ADHD and the Tangled Web of Self-Trust

Hey there, welcome back to Authentically ADHD! I'm so glad you pressed play on this episode today, because its on a topic that when I learned it, i found out it was the work i never knew i was missing and this skill has given me so much more access to my authentic self. Today, we're diving into a big, messy, important topic: self-trust – or as I like to call it, the tangled web of self-trust. Now, if you just chuckled nervously or sighed "ugh, self-trust...", you're in the right place. Stick around for the next 25 minutes, and we'll untangle this web together with a healthy dose of honesty, humor, and hope.

Host (conversational): So, self-trust. Raise your hand if you've ever said something like, "I can't trust myself to do anything right!" (I'm raising mine high, by the way). Maybe you promised yourself you'd start that project well before the deadline, only to find yourself pulling an all-nighter again. Or you swore you'd not forget your friend's birthday this time, and then... whoops, you did – again. If any of this rings a bell, you are so not alone. In fact, one ADHD coach bluntly observed: "This is the truth about ADHD and self-trust: it doesn’t exist. ADHD adults don’t trust themselves at all. Our self-concept begins to erode pretty early in life". Ouch, right? That sounds harsh, but for many of us it feels true. Our confidence in ourselves got pretty banged up over the years.

Host (relatable anecdote): I want to start with a little story here. Picture late-diagnosed me a few years back, before I knew I had ADHD. Every morning I'd pep-talk myself: "Today, I'm gonna get everything on my to-do list done. I got this." And every evening I'd go to bed thinking, "I screwed it up again. What is wrong with me?" I remember once triple-booking my Saturday because Past Me didn't trust Future Me to actually remember my plans – I figured at least one of those events I'd flake on, so better to have backups! 🤦‍♀️ Yeah... my self-trust was basically non-existent. And the less I trusted myself, the more anxious and overbooked I became. It's a vicious cycle.

Host (upbeat): Well, friends, it's time to break that cycle. Today we'll cover a lot: We'll bust the common myths about self-trust (spoiler: it's not about being perfect). We'll define what real self-trust means – including a quote that changed the way I think about it. We'll explore why so many of us with ADHD struggle with self-trust (we'll dip into a little neuroscience and psychology, including some Internal Family Systems theory and insights from ADHD coach Kristen Carder). And of course, we'll get practical: I'll share 7 strategies – both practical hacks and mindset shifts – to help you rebuild your self-trust as an ADHD adult. Plus, I've got 7 reflection prompts for you, so you can dig into your own self-trust story after the episode. Sound good? Alright, let's jump in!

The Myth of Self-Trust (Especially in ADHD)

Host (slightly humorous): First, let's talk about what a lot of us think self-trust means. I used to imagine that “self-trust” was basically me turning into some magically responsible, never-make-a-mistake unicorn. Like, if I truly trusted myself, I’d do everything right – I'd make the perfect choices, follow through on all my plans flawlessly, and probably have alphabetized spice racks while I was at it. (Because obviously, trusted-self-me has it that together, right?)

Host (empathetic): Turns out, this idea is everywhere. We ADHDers often define self-trust as “I believe I’ll do everything perfectly and stick to every commitment, no matter what.” In the words of ADHD coach Kristen Carder, usually we think “self-trust” means “I believe that all of my choices are going to be perfect, and I believe that I will follow through on everything I say I’m going to do”. Sound familiar? We basically equate trusting ourselves with never messing up. And if you're anything like me (or like most people, really), that bar is waaaay too high. No wonder we feel like we can't trust ourselves – by that definition, nobody on the planet could!

Host (reassuring): So let's bust that myth right now. Self-trust is NOT "I trust myself to always do the right thing and be perfect and follow through 100%." Nope. That common misconception is a recipe for self-loathing, especially for those of us with ADHD who might leave a trail of unfinished projects and oopsies in our wake. If you've been thinking, "I can't trust myself because I keep dropping the ball," you're operating under the wrong definition of self-trust. And it's time to rewrite that definition.

What Is Real Self-Trust? (Redefining It)

Host (inviting): Okay, so if self-trust isn't about perfection, what is it about? I am so glad you asked. This redefinition was a game-changer for me, and I want to share it with you.

(slight pause for effect)

One of my favorite quotes on this comes again from Kristen Carder, who reframed it beautifully. She explains th