BONUS EPISODE: Love on a Roller Coaster, The ADHD Guide to Spotting Toxic Partners

Picture this: You’re on the wildest roller coaster of your life – dizzying highs, sudden drops, and your heart racing. For many of us with ADHD, early romance can feel exactly like that. Our brains light up with excitement and novelty, but those same traits that make us passionate can also leave us vulnerable to toxic relationships. Research shows that adults with ADHD often report childhood trauma and have brains that crave dopamine in high doses. That means the drama of a turbulent partner might feel familiar or even thrilling. As Dr. Gabor Maté puts it, people unconsciously “choose each other with an unerring instinct” for partners who mirror their own unresolved anxieties and pain. In plain terms, ADHD traits plus past stresses can set us up for danger if we’re not careful. Today on Authentically ADHD, we’re peeling back the curtain on why ADHD brains are wired to overlook red flags, and how to recognize and escape toxic dynamics – with a dose of neuroscience, expert insight, and real talk.

Impulsivity & Novelty-Seeking

For someone with ADHD, new romance can be intoxicating. We crave excitement, and a high-energy partner often delivers. As ADHD experts explain, ADHD often means higher impulsivity and constant novelty-seeking. In one study’s key takeaways, ADHD “can cause increased impulsivity and novelty-seeking behavior — like constantly looking for new and exciting experiences”. In practice, that means you might rush headlong into a relationship without waiting to see the red flags. Dr. Edward Hallowell famously described how a person with ADHD “seldom feels bored”, instantly switching to something new at the first hint of dullness. When a toxic partner offers a rush of drama – extreme highs like bombarding you with affection (love-bombing), followed by sharp criticisms – your ADHD brain gets dopamine hits at every twist and turn. Those dopamine spikes can feel like love, making chaos seem exciting instead of dangerous.

For example, imagine texting back instantly without thinking, even when something feels off. Or jumping into serious commitments with someone who’s shown controlling behaviors, simply because the initial chemistry is overwhelming. That’s ADHD impulsivity and thrill-seeking at work. We’re more likely to mistake high drama for passion. But remember: healthy relationships can be dynamic too, with steady excitement that builds trust, not tension. As one ADDitude expert notes, treating your ADHD through therapy, medication, or coaching can diminish the craving for those unhealthy dopamine hits, helping you choose more stable love over wild rides.

Hyperfocus on the Wrong Partners

It’s no secret: we can intensely fixate on a new crush. In ADHD terms, this is hyperfocus – pouring all our attention into one person. Early in romance, that means calling, texting, planning every detail together in a way that feels magical. But there’s a catch. As ADDitude editors point out, people with ADHD “feel emotions intensely and might hyperfocus on their partner, especially at the outset of a new, exciting relationship”. In practice, we hang on every word they say, overlook snide comments, and rewrite our own friend’s concerns as jealousy or misunderstanding.

For instance, imagine the first few weeks with a new partner: your ADHD brain is 100% engaged. They text, you reply lightning-fast. They cancel plans unexpectedly, and you shrug it off because you’re so grateful to have their attention at all. That hyperfocus can blind us to manipulation. We might stay up all night chatting about their life story – even the parts that don’t add up – or excuse their mood swings because we’re convinced this time they really get us. In short, hyperfocus makes us all in right away. Unfortunately, that’s exactly when a toxic partner is most charming. The downside: once the infatuation fades, the problems you missed can hit hard.

Emotional Dysregulation & RSD

If romance hits a rough pat