Masking, Unmasking, and the Exhaustion in Between

Introduction

Imagine trying to swim while holding a beach ball underwater – you might pull it off for a bit, but sooner or later that ball is bobbing to the surface. Masking ADHD can feel just like that. Many of us with ADHD learn early that our brains and behaviors can stand out, so we develop a “socially acceptable” persona to blend in. We smile, sit still, and force focus – all to hide our natural restlessness or distraction. This isn’t about being fake; it’s a survival strategy learned over years. But as the ADDA (Adult ADHD Organization) puts it, keeping that mask on “will take a lot of energy – and the same goes for hiding your ADHD symptoms” In this episode, we’ll explore what masking looks like, why we do it, how it varies across individuals, and most importantly, how to gradually unmask without burning out.

What Is Masking and Why We Do It

“Masking” (also called camouflaging or impression management) means hiding ADHD-related behaviors to appear neurotypical, usually to avoid stigma or negative judgments. Psychologists trace the idea back to Russell Barkley, who noted roughly one-third of people with ADHD develop masking habit. In practice, this can mean sitting unnaturally still to hide hyperactivity, speaking slowly to avoid interrupting, or painstakingly rehearsing what to say in social situations. We do it for safety. Maybe a teacher, boss, or parent once told us our energy was “too much,” or we saw peers get punished for fidgeting. Over time, we absorb: if we let our ADHD out, we risk judgment, rejection, or even losing out on opportunities. In fact, research shows it’s not paranoia: about 78% of adults with ADHD admit to concealing their symptoms at work for fear of discrimination In school, the disparity can be shocking – one study found students with overt ADHD behaviors are disciplined 3.5 times more often than their peers for the same actions. Add gender and cultural pressures, and masking can feel like the only path: for example, women with ADHD often face “double discrimination” (for having ADHD and for not fitting feminine organizational norms) and are 40% more likely than men to hide their diagnosis entirely. In short, from childhood on, many of us learn that showing our “whole” ADHD selves is risky or unwelcome. So we adapt. We smile when our mind is racing, offer practical reasons for missed details (“Sorry I’m late, traffic was a nightmare!”), and push down our impulsivity. This constant self-monitoring – judging every word, movement, or post you make – drains your brain like a marathon trainer. It literally spikes stress: one study found that simply drafting and editing an email to seem “normal” boosts cortisol by 45% – your body treats each message like a big performance reviewe. Over time, the nervous system can’t tell the difference between a social slip-up and physical dange, so we end up trapped in a cycle of hyper-alertness, exhaustion, and anxiety.

What Masking Looks Like

Because masking is so ingrained, it can look subtle – almost invisible – to others. Here are some common signs:

Forcing calmness: You feel restless or impulsive inside, but you keep your voice and movements unusually slow. Your leg might be itching to bounce, but you tuck it under the chair. (Essentially, you’re acting tranquil on the outside to hide your inside.).

Over-checking & perfectionism: You triple-check your work or double-back on a short text. It’s not just organization; it’s anxiety about making even a tiny mistake. You polish emails or assignments obsessively so no one will doubt you. This can buy you time socially, but it bleeds your time and energy.

Mimicking behavior: You silently copy others. If classmates fidget with a pencil or crack jokes, you nod and do something similar, even if it feels unnatural. You rehearse social scripts or small talk lines so you don’t stand out.

Hyper-focusing to overcompensate: You push intense focus on tasks that are being observed. In a meeting, you might go above and beyond on one project to cover for the times your attention drifts away.

Suppressing stims: You swallow small yelps when you’re excited, hold in hand-flapping urges, or quietly tap your foot under the table so nobody notices your need to move.

Masking emotions: Instead of expressing frustration or excitement, you “perform” a neutral or cheerfully appropriate response. You might bottle up anxiety during social events and then have a breakdown in private.

Over time, these “adaptations” literally become a second job. You’re constantly monitoring yourself: “Am I moving too much? Did I blurt out something weird? Should I rephrase that?” It can feel like juggling while walking a tightrope. Nothing about the self feels authentic anymore – you’re playing roles, not being you. But it’s understandable: many ADHDers grew up being rewarded for “good behavior” and punished for impulsivity. The very need to mask is born out of t