👉 YouTube Video of this live spoken word performance
👉 “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” Amazon book & ebook
Cold Open
I feel like a brilliant creative soul
as if…
trapped in a damaged body
& neurology
trying to communicate with the world
through an intermittently short-circuiting transistor radio
playing through static
& the distortion
& sparking circuits…
to just be heard.
Do you understand at all what I mean?
Intro
You're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.
Season 5, Episode 7 is special. This live spoken word performance comes straight from my first Amazon book, "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head." Raw insight into my autism… and ADHD.
No hidden meanings. Nothing to decode. Just real life. Meant for autistics who need to be seen… And for family, allies, and researchers who want to see us truly. Not through Hollywood's lens of Rain Man and Love on the Spectrum.
Just one 72-year-old autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.
Content Note: Frank discussion of trauma, including sexual abuse. Because… frankly… most autistics I've known survived trauma. This material may be triggering.
Subscribers to my Substack receive a free PDF of the entire book. Links to Amazon book and ebook are in the podcast notes.
Btw, tomorrow, Sunday 8/31, I'm doing another live performance for subscribers. 12:45 Eastern, 4:45 UTC.
With that? Let's dive right in.
Live Spoken Word Performance, 8/24/25
1. Dancing Close to the Edge of the Noise
Thought i’d start with a metaphor… something that autistics see…right away. And I think will help.. This autist at least… be seen.
#AskingAuDHDists…bear with me a minute.I'm autistic+ADHD.71.
i feel likea brilliant creative soulas if…
trapped in a damaged body& neurology
trying to communicatewith the world
through an intermittentlyshort-circuiting transistor radio
playing through static
& the distortion& sparking circuits…
to just be heard.
do you understand at all what I mean?
#ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #ReallyAuDHD
2. That Song I'll Never Sing to My Son
So let me build another bridge. Who doesn’t relate to children.
Like some angelWith a dislocated shoulderHalf f l y i n g H a l f fallingYounger to olderFrom the day I was born.
Tumbling to earthRushing up belowBody on f i r eH e a r t aflameIn s l o – m o ,
a horror picture show…
To a silent piano score…
Like that songI’ll never singTo my son.Like that song
Like this song….
Don’t be a dick
Real talk…
It’s harder than you think…
Listen up…
Maybe…
Don’t mask… protecting others
Don’t please yourself
Less than bosses & lovers…
Hold up…
Most of all…
Don’t forget
To have a kid
Like you might
Forget
That call-in contest
You just knew
You could win
Cuz you knew all the words….
Gimme a minute.
I need a minute…
Like some angel
Thrown outta heaven
H a l f falling
Half f l y i n g
From what should’ve been…
The day I was born.
Like that song
On that game show…
That I’ll never sing…
To that son
I never had
Hell,
Like this song.
3. My Friend Billy
One last bridge. Before we maybe jump off the cliff… They say we don’t having emotions. Or make friends. Clue… I ain’t Spock.
65
Going on death,
Woke to a frozen world
Where no car crept
A day no singing bird
Was left alive
A day another friend
Sighed his last breath
Polar vortex
Blew thru my trailer
Wrapped windows in blankets
Stale air hung like failure
Cranked the oven
Cracked its door
Sealed the entries to my life
Like a bunker in war
Settled in for a day alone
Picked up the phone
My only open door…
Wars, rumors of wars
Disasters revealed
Disasters concealed
Across its screen
A dying world's dreams
I read the news,
A politician lies
Local man dies…
Wind froze my heart
Another sun sets
That'll never rise
Another friend
Where I can't hear his cries
Billy…
I wish I were that poet
Say, Yeats sweet v
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