Podcast: Every Clock is a Handgun in My Autistic Time

Hey! I’m Johnny Profane… back after a 6-month bout of the "shys" to launch Season 5 of AutisticAF Out Loud.

Missed you guys…

But I'm here now, at least for the moment... Let's do something great with that moment, shall we?

This seems like the perfect occasion to talk about Time… and how it passes. A crucial topic… whether you’re autistic or ADHD, wonder if you are, have kids or a loved one, work with some, or work to support us…

I want to give you my experience of autistic time. Which is not chained to clocks or calendars. And different enough from what most folks expect… that I’ve struggled for two years… just to use my words.

So I’ve turned to art. Which is both adult and intense at points…

Some of the images are available as posters. And stick around to the end for a special AI-generated treat. Google's NotebookLM creates a lively dialogue between two AI commentators to break down the key ideas… especially for non-autistics. It's like having digital study buddies to help process all this time-bending stuff!

Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head

III

Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.

Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.

10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.

Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart. . . . I crash out with a scream for escape

II

Woods

Deep woods

Deepest woods

My ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.

A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now deadWind steals my breathTaking words never said

This skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new air

When the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passes

Clouds above my head.Shaped by wind

Outside my bodyThe same wind

Inside my bodyThesamewind

Yet…

I

10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.

Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head

zero

The Māori must be a wise people. They really get autistic time.

Or at least, Keri Opai did back in 2017. That’s when he coined their new dictionary entry for autism, Takiwātanga, “in his or her own time and space.”

Keri is an author, educator, and social activist. He certainly knew of the Western Medical Model of autism. But… it seems, Keri’s childhood pal, Peter, was autistic. So Keri just could not bring himself to define us as broken.

No medical pathology in Keri’s words. No disabling pity. Rather, respect. Even admiration…

He, and his people, saw what many of us feel. Our deep connection with natural rhythms. Our walk through the world at our own pace. On our own path. Maybe in our own dimensions of time & space.

Takiwātanga. A dictionary definition born out of love. It captures the heart of my autistic life — a different walk through time and space.

Reflecting on Keri's compassionate wisdom… My guess is that the Māoris, at least, are glad we're on the planet. Not because of our needs. Because of our contributions. Rooted in our different perceptions, our outsider experiences.

Let’s dive deeper into Māoris, autism, and our journey through time perception. After this quick word, got bills to pay…

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