What They Didn’t Tell Me About My Autistic Body… That Remembers Everything

Content Note: Sexual abuse, family trauma, therapy processing, strong language, intense emotional content

Video Summary

This live piece cuts to the bone of what trauma recovery actually looks like. When your brain works differently. And your body never forgets.

What happens when you finally see yourself clearly in a therapist's mirror?When rage becomes the only honest response to betrayal? When family protection fails and the body becomes your only witness?

Studies report as many as 75% of all adult autistics have experienced trauma. And specifically sexual trauma? From 60 to 75% across a lifetime.

No therapeutic jargon. No sanitized healing narratives. Just the raw truth that most trauma content won't touch. In plain, direct language that doesn't hide behind disease-based, diagnostic terms.

Free Resources & Purchase Links

👉 Subscribe free to AutisticAF Substack and get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.

👉 Support this work → Available on Amazon as ebook or softcover. "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" - Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.

Key Themes Explored:

* Childhood sexual abuse and the body's persistent memory

* Family dysfunction and protective failure

* Therapy processing and breakthrough moments of clarity

* Autistic self-recognition during trauma recovery

* Rage as a healing response to violation and betrayal

* The witness within - how the body always remembers

Who This Speaks To:

* Trauma survivors seeking authentic voices about recovery

* Adult autistics processing childhood experiences

* Family members trying to understand complex trauma dynamics

* Therapists and counselors working with neurodivergent trauma survivors

* Anyone who knows that healing isn't linear or pretty

Discussion Starters:

* How does neurodivergence affect trauma processing and memory?

* What does authentic trauma recovery look like beyond inspiration narratives?

* How do family systems enable or prevent healing from abuse?

* When does rage become a necessary part of recovery?

Connect:

Share your thoughts on trauma, healing, and truth-telling below. Hit subscribe for more unfiltered autistic perspectives.

Full Transcript

A son no more. Yet the body abides.

This one's a little rough for me. Maybe for you. Trauma. Well, it's it's a fucking bitch, too.

The Body Abides

"Like I told you

Nothing really happened

Can't sleep is all..."

He repeats his view,

"The body watches.

The body ALWAYS

Fucking watches."

"Yeah, he kissed me

Fathers do that.

Yeah, it was weird but..."

He whispers me,

"Your body, your witness.

And this witness ALWAYS

Fucking watches."

Then he leans in…

"What if he'd kissed

your sister's lips...?"

"I'd fucking kill him."

That's when...

i see me

in his mirror

watching myself

watch my self

transparently autistic

a son no more,

yet the body...

abides.

images, never shared

images… never dared

hard, wet, frantic

fumbling… bare

rage

dark rage

Screaming RAGE

i'd fucking kill him

fucking kill him

kill him

him.

i rise...

so

slowly

and fucking smash that mirror

i rock, i sway…

i rub one red eye.

i stand, I stare…

I sigh, I say,

"My body watches

The body ALWAYS

Fucking watches…"

into a mirror staring nowhere

As I close his office door...

I abide.

#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts and the free PDF of “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.” To support my work, please consider choosing a paid subscription.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe