July 9, 2023 • 30 mins
Ever felt a cold, gripping fear clawing at your heart, trying to drown you in a sea of doubts and insecurities? If your answer is yes, then this episode is for you. We begin by diving into my personal journey where fear and its harrowing cousin, terror, took center stage. Poetry, as you’ll see, is my vehicle of expression and I share my poem, "Wallflower," inspired by a DJ set, that metaphorically lays bare my struggles and eventual triumph over these emotions. The key takeaway—fear and terror, however menacing, do not define us or our paths!
Our conversation evolves and we tackle the Goliath that is imposter syndrome. You wouldn't think, as I share experiences from writing my first book and leading postal operations at Ramstein Air Base, that this was ever a struggle for me. Thanks to the unwavering support of mentors like Brandon Allen from New Work Revolution, these experiences have been my stepping stones to overcoming this challenge. We also delve into the bittersweet journey of quitting a project that was dear to me. It was a hit to my self-esteem, but the lessons learned were priceless and pivotal for my growth.
We wrap up our chat by celebrating the joy that is rhyming and freestyle—a beautiful reminder to stay present and appreciate the moment. I share how quitting and heartbreak can surprisingly pave the way for better opportunities and how the end of a relationship can open numerous doors of possibilities. This episode is a testament to the fact that self-growth, resilience, and courage can guide us on the path to overcoming any challenge that life throws at us. So, strap in and join me on the Axé All Day Podcast for this enriching discussion, and remember to keep the podcast family close because, at the end of the day, the work is about being present without judgment.
Shoutouts & Thanks (IG Handles):
@santamaria_r10
@nocheslucidas
@topsytish
@yesmusicseattle
@nudamusic
- check out her music video "All In Your Head"
- https://youtu.be/amc2-nh0gtc
- shot and edited by @skyewarden1
@dexter_deam for reminding me to keep that taste out of my mouth
@newworkrevolution
@b160Allen
@norrisfrederick
@embracingthejourneypod
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Yes, yes, yes, oh, my goodness, so happy, so happy
every time this comes on,because we know, we know that
what's coming next is the AsheAll Day Podcast family.
(00:32):
I'm so happy to have you here.
We're just making someadjustments on this, this camera
here, but we'll probably be.
I'll probably use this one thatI'm looking at and chop this up
.
So there we go.
It's a little better, it's alittle better.
Yeah, all right, awesome, oh,okay.
(00:55):
So, look, haven't recorded in afew days.
Maybe you're wondering why?
Well, i'll be honest with you.
There is a tendency inside ofme to work really hard and get a
little bit exhausted, and inthe past I maybe would have been
(01:16):
like you know what I am.
I'm exhausted and I'm just Iquit, right, and we're going to
be talking about some impostersyndrome today and we're going
to be talking about quittingtoday.
That's really what's coming upfor me, and we'll just start
with that.
But first, what we're actuallygoing to do we're actually going
(01:38):
to start with is a poem that Iwrote that I would love to share
with you guys, and it's calledWallflower.
So I will give you a littlebackground on where this poem
came from.
I was out this weekend went andsaw an incredible DJ.
Dj Santa Maria used to playsoccer for the Seattle Sounders.
(02:02):
Great human being.
Met him after his set, got somepictures, quick chit, chat, but
just the medicine that he wasproviding to all of us that
night was just so incredible.
And when you're in thatenvironment there can be a
tendency to for some people Inoticed they'll just pull off
and they just sit on thesidelines all night.
(02:24):
And that's what inspired this,this poem.
So just join me in this moment,invite you to drop into your
body with the breath, close youreyes, let go of that stress,
let go of that tension, let itout, exhale that poison, inhale
(02:51):
and fill your body with love andlight.
Make the invitation right now,in this moment.
It's beautiful Wallflower, thedemise of a wallflower, it is
the death of us all.
To sit on the sidelines as theworld unfolds.
This is the lost city ofAtlantis.
(03:13):
We are the bones foundation.
Break us again and again inorder to level up the field of
play.
We are Ache all day.
Let us play Bigger, bolder.
(03:37):
Every single day.
Here comes in this place.
We stand and embrace, integratewith love, finally understand.
We've been in community withwallflowers And I am the weeping
willow, tears of joy Takerefuge in the shade of my
(04:06):
eternal medicine.
Take refuge in the shade of myeternal medicine.
So that came to me after feelinga very intense wave of fear and
(04:28):
terror in the night Yes, amoment where I felt like nothing
I do matters, that everythingis empty and meaningless, that
relationships and the narrativethat is constructed is
destructive, that this path islonely, full of terrors, and
(04:55):
then I'm not what I think I amor who I claim to be.
And in that utter horror, inthis EDM club, i'm dancing out
spirits and energy and makingnew friends and connections and
(05:15):
building relationship and livingin my truth.
These feelings still came up,and here's the beauty of the
work is that in that momentwhere I was experiencing an
emotional dying, a horror andfear that rippled through my
body and my reality andimmediately painted it darker
(05:39):
and homage to Leonard Cohen Icontinued to move forward on my
path.
Do you see, this is the natureof the work When everything
feels as though it means nothingand you have this absolute
(06:02):
horror rolling through your body, you can choose to be present
with it and still choose to comeback to the moment, to resource
in your body to find your happyplace, while still honoring
that fear and terror.
(06:23):
Being an entrepreneur can bescary.
Being in an EDM club surroundedby strangers can be scary.
Being alone can be scary,especially in our society that
pushes relationship and beingwith someone else in order to
create value and codependencyand so many other things.
(06:47):
It can feel scary, but the workhelps us know that those
feelings might be our reality inthe moment.
Yes, this is scary.
So what?
So what?
It is terrifying to make thispodcast and put my opinions out
into the world, but every time Isit down and do it, i feel like
(07:09):
a little kid.
It is joy, it is abundance.
In this moment, i channelspirit.
It is so good, it is so goodAnd you can do that too.
That is your birthright To keepmaking moves, to keep living
life, to keep being present inthe moment and to experience
(07:32):
that horror and fear.
Because they will tell you what, as soon as I got through that
layer and it was quick that isthe other nature of the work is
that these layers will flash.
They are not permanent.
The only permanent thing isimpermanence.
The only constant is change.
So on the other side of thatfear layer, that horror, that
(07:54):
fucking death.
Oh man, i had the best night.
I had the absolute best night.
Truly, it was so good So muchdancing, so much movement, so
much connection, so much joy andtenderness and relating.
I made some new friends whoaren't even from here.
They're from Dallas.
(08:14):
I made a deeper connection withan incredible music producer
named Tish, who is from YesMusic Productions absolutely
phenomenal human being, soincredible, and that led to an
amazing birthday party at thehome of the musician Nuda.
I'm going to link her stuff inthis.
(08:34):
You got to check her out.
Absolutely phenomenal and oneof the most premium human beings
I've ever met, absolutesweetheart.
And when she gets on stage, wow, she transforms into this
monolithic beast mode, absolute,just divine being.
(08:56):
So check that out.
She's got a show coming up herein Seattle on the 17th of
August.
You'll catch me there for sureAnd I'm just, i'm super excited,
i'm so stoked.
So in that experience of fear,there is the opportunity to be
present with that, to grow, toflex some muscles, to get a
(09:18):
little bit more comfortable withbeing in those places, to
integrating that darkness andthen to making the conscious
decision to really, you know,like, okay, i've felt this for
five, 10 minutes.
I've honored it, i've beenpresent, i'm no longer
spiritually bypassing becauseI've been doing my work and I
listened to the Oshay All Daypodcast about spiritual
(09:39):
bypassing.
So I used those tools and nowI'm in a place where I can
really be so juicy in this fearand in this present moment and
then just move forward into thisjoy, because it's waves, baby,
it's all waves, everything.
It's not permanent And I meanthere are depressive episodes
(10:00):
that feel like they will go onforever.
But that is again the nature ofthe work of like, how do I keep
it moving when I'm feeling sodepressed and I'm feeling like I
don't have anything to give?
And that comes down todiscipline and some other things
.
But today we're talking aboutquitting, an imposter syndrome.
So I've just shared a lot withyou.
(10:22):
I have just shared a lot withyou And I just want to make sure
that it is is this recording?
Yeah, okay, so crazy.
So yeah, we've got impostersyndrome and we have quitting,
(10:44):
and we'll talk about quittingfirst.
Actually, let's talk aboutimposter syndrome first, because
I think that imposter syndromehas the potential to drive
people to quit, yeah, so I thinkthat's a it'll be a good
natural segue I'm sure you'refamiliar with imposter syndrome.
If you're not, here's a quickbreakdown.
(11:07):
Imposter syndrome is thecondition wherein you feel like
you're an imposter, that you'repretending that it's just an act
, that there's a falseness toeverything that you do.
That could be at work.
I've experienced it in manyways.
Let me give you some examples.
When I published my first book,the Three Eyes man, that night
(11:31):
I didn't get any sleep.
I poured my heart into that andit's it's short, but I laid out
very honestly how poorly I hadshown up in relationships, how I
had been an unfaithful spouse,how I had just really dishonored
myself.
But I didn't fully have anunderstanding of what that was
doing to me personally.
(11:53):
I knew in some ways, but nowI've matured more, i've done
more work on myself.
I've gotten a deeper, moreintimate understanding of what
relationships are.
But the night that I publishedthat and I worked with a coach
to do that first book and somethings like that And it's gotten
great reviews.
It's a quality, it's a qualityoffering.
(12:15):
But I did not feel like who.
I felt like who am I to tellthis story, which is ridiculous,
right, because it's my story.
Who else could tell it?
But that was really one of thenarratives, one of the stories
going on in my head was like whoam I to tell this story?
Who am I to say these things?
Who am I to give anyone thisadvice?
And that goes, i mean, evenfurther.
(12:41):
I was the director of postaloperations at Ramstein Air Base
and I had a huge team, largestmilitary postal operation on the
planet And I just I felt like Icouldn't do anything right And
that's kind of the nature ofthat beast.
But it was a combination ofthat feedback where my work
(13:01):
product was being accepted,everything was buttoned up and
dialed in And I knew myregulations and rules and what
was expected of me And I did mybest to show up powerfully and
intentionally, but I just Ididn't fit into the system And
that was to my detriment.
They could never get me on anyof my work product.
(13:22):
But just like personalityconflict, wise it was.
It was not a win for me Andthat's okay.
I learned a lot, but it broughtme to a point in time where I
began to question everythingabout everything that I had
learned at a really high levelabout management and leadership
and team building andcommunication, and these are
(13:44):
kind of my greatest strengthsLike it was.
It was crazy, and so There weresome things I did to try to
validate myself.
One of them was that I finisheda master's degree.
I started and finished amaster's degree in management
and leadership through WesternGovernors University a great
program and I did that onefaster than anyone has ever
(14:09):
completed the program.
It's self-paced and it is veryrobust.
Some people tried to tell methat I couldn't have possibly
gotten anything out of thateducation, and I'm like man.
I picked a topic that I alreadyknew a lot about.
I've had incredible mentors.
One of them is Brandon Allen,and he's from New Work
Revolution.
Check out his podcast on it.
It's all about leadership.
(14:30):
He taught me so much and Iworked directly for and with him
for a couple of years, and thenour relationship has continued
on and into the future, intothis present moment.
Even If I were to pick up thephone and call Brandon right now
, he may or may not answer, buthe would get back to me and we
would set up a connection.
It's beautiful.
He has been there for me and Ilearned so much from him and I
(14:53):
respect him so deeply.
So I picked a topic and agraduate program that I already
knew a ton about and I hadexperience with all of it, so
that helped me in a huge way tocomplete the program very
quickly.
Also, it is a very writtenfocused program, so I had to
(15:16):
write a ton.
But that is a strength of mineI am very well written and I can
write about a topic that I knowa lot about very quickly.
So that really helped mecomplete the program in a very
timely fashion.
So that was all for me, and Iexpended so much time, attention
and energy to validating myselfthrough a graduate level
(15:40):
program of education in order tobe like yo.
I'm clearly not a bad manageror leader.
I have a master's degree inthis topic.
What is going on here And whatthat did was furthered my level
of confusion in that situation.
So feeling like an imposterYeah, so that should make sense
(16:02):
now.
So just feeling like an imposterin the imposter syndrome is
feeling like you're more or lessnot good enough, that you can't
show it powerfully, that youdon't know what you're doing,
even if you do.
And how does that actuallymanifest?
Well, if you have this internalnarrative running that says
over and over and over and overand over again you're not good
enough, i'm not good enough, ican't do this, i don't know what
(16:24):
to do.
I don't listen to that.
That'll beat you down.
It will truly beat you down.
It is difficult to manage,especially when you start to
believe it.
That's when you really get intothe wickets and the weeds and
man you loved ones.
You've got to keep your gardenclean.
You've got to do the work tokeep your garden clean, and it's
(16:46):
not always easy.
It is not always easy But itdoes require you know a really
disciplined self care routine.
Some of my mentors recommend amorning power hour.
That's, i'm not really.
I say I'm not a morning person.
Therefore I am not a morningperson.
But I can get up, like you know, when I really make the
(17:08):
decision, like, all right, i'mdoing the morning thing.
Now I'm up at five, i'm at thegym by 530, i'm cooking
breakfast, i'm doing, i'm doingmy mobility, all those kinds of
things.
I hit my morning, hit theground running, get in that
audible book while I'm workingout at the gym so I can just
work out the brain at the sametime.
And these are all means ofcombating.
(17:30):
Actually, let's not combat it,because what we want to do is
integrate things.
We want to open our arms.
We want to love and embracethese challenging opportunities
for growth.
That is, that is our, that'sour goal.
That is what we're doing, andso we want to integrate this
imposter.
Everything is there, trying itsbest to help us.
(17:51):
So what's acting out of shadowin this moment?
What is it?
childhood trauma?
Is it mother, father, wound?
What is it?
Is it someone said something toyou when you were a kid, or
maybe when you were in juniorhigh or high school of college?
What is it?
Are you able to do that workand find that root cause, to get
(18:11):
clear on what it is that isdriving this imposter syndrome?
Are you able to invite thatimposter syndrome in to sit by
your fire and to really ask itwhat do you need?
How can I help you?
What does it look like to beworking together to create this
(18:32):
safety?
Can you show me And in doingthat, you'll be able to get more
clear on things that you can doto help eliminate that process
that, excuse me, to eliminate orto integrate that experience
And in so doing, you will beable to level up your game?
(18:56):
Now, talking about quitting, andthis is something that I've
learned from several mentors,very successful people.
There is no shame in quitting.
I'm gonna say this again Thereis no shame in quitting.
I have quit so many things.
I quit my job in Germany.
(19:17):
I have quit plenty of otherjobs.
I've quit businesses that I'vestarted.
I've quit opportunity.
I've quit relationships.
I quit when things that I doare not things for me.
Sometimes that can be reallyhard to admit.
Sometimes, when you're likeeyeballs deep in a relationship
with somebody and you'veinvested all the time and you
(19:38):
have these trauma bonds, it canbe hard to quit those
relationships.
It can be hard to quit a jobthat's not serving you.
It can be hard to quit anactivity or a sport or something
that you have that you did makea commitment to do.
It can be hard to quit writinga book or trying to start a
(19:58):
business.
But here's the thing If itisn't serving you and it's not
bringing you joy and you you'vetried it, you've sampled it and
you're like I don't like the waythis tastes, then why would you
keep eating it?
I gotta give a shout out toDexter for saying that last
night he was sharing with meabout an experience he had.
(20:22):
It involves some blue, neonglowing clowns and a saxophone.
He was like it was like I hadtaken a bite.
I didn't like how it tastes, ispit it out.
I was like dude, that'sactually a really profound way
to think about that.
I love that.
Now I get to pass thatknowledge on to you.
It is literally like there'sall these experiences in life
(20:44):
that are out there for us topartake in, to taste, touch,
smell, feel, experience, sense,listen to all, all of the
sensations being with itenergetically.
You may have noticed, okay, sohere's a perfect example.
And there was some shame in thisfor me.
Oh, man, there was some shamein this for me.
(21:04):
I was meant to lead a blackmasculinity four week series in
coordination with a with anorganization here in Seattle,
and we had a few meetingsbeforehand.
did the outline, had theprogram built all that stuff,
set the price point, didn't sella single ticket.
Yeah, didn't sell a singleticket, and I've been.
(21:28):
I was ashamed of that.
There was some some.
A part of me took that as amessage of my value, like, no
one believes in me, no onethinks I'm worthy, the
organization that I hadpartnered up with doesn't see my
value.
But none of those things aretrue.
What could be true is that Ihaven't established enough trust
(21:53):
in the local community or inthat specific community or that
demographic, whatever you wantto call it, to put a $250 price
tag on a four week series.
Maybe that's the case.
That could be true.
I'm pretty new to the scene outhere.
People don't know me, andthat's fine, that's okay.
(22:15):
But I got to be honest, i did,i felt like a failure in that
And we sort of quit thatrelationship And I haven't
pursued that series since then.
But so many other beautifulthings have come up And I don't
I did.
I quit that Like, yes, i didn'tsell tickets, but I could have
(22:37):
kept trying to relentlesslypursue that thing.
That could have become the thornin my side or my you know, my
Don Quixote monster right that Ijust pursue relentlessly.
But that wouldn't serve me.
Like I did my toe out, i putout some feelers, we saw what
was happening.
(22:57):
The market wasn't there for mein this particular moment And so
, okay, it's time to pivot.
It would have taken a lot of mytime, a lot of my time.
I wouldn't have been able to goto the birthday party that I
went to yesterday.
I wouldn't have been able to goout to see DJ Santa Maria And
(23:18):
so many other things I wouldhave missed out on the Harbor
Island studio grand opening, theopen house, which was
incredible.
I got to hang out with myamazing friend Asher, got
connected with a 48 hour filmproject team.
I'm super excited for that.
And so there are so many thingsthat have come to fruition.
(23:41):
Because that opportunityresolved in a quitting And you
may be like, well, you didn'tquit, it just didn't work out,
like okay, well, either way, idid kind of quit because a week
or two before there were noticket sales And I was like we
need to just pull the plug onthis.
People are interested.
We priced it too high And myheart wasn't in it And the
(24:02):
universe or creator source,whatever you want to say knew
that, knew that Right now, inthis moment, that is not what I
meant to do.
And I had an experience aweekend ago, right before the
fourth of July, i went to asummer night Moonbloom festival.
(24:22):
That that is an incrediblefestival put on by a leecho tree
just a beautiful human beingand the people of conscious
community that I connected withthere a lot of them from my
ecstatic dance community it wasabsolutely incredible And I got
some downloads And one of themwas work harder.
But I've been sitting with thatAnd it's just like yo.
(24:45):
That is a freaking story thatruns in my head constantly,
constantly, constantly.
I'm pushing myself, i do thispodcast, i'm editing a book, i'm
writing a book, i'm constantlywriting poetry, i'm in an
advanced software developmentboot camp learning Python.
We've got group projects thisweek And there are so many other
(25:06):
.
I'm networking and connectingand I'm learning.
There are so many things thatI'm doing doing doing doing.
So.
This message of like you needto work harder.
I was like, oh man, but I'mworking so hard already And what
.
What I really came to with thatis getting more clear, kind of
(25:29):
on my self care practice, myspirituality work, but also just
being a bit more intentionalwith what I'm doing and where
I'm giving my energy.
I was also given the message tostop seeking collaboration in
(25:52):
so many ways.
I can totally run a men's group, but I need to do that on my
own.
I don't want or need to partnerwith an organization in order
to do that, and that's thelesson that's come out of what I
consider quitting thatengagement.
So and it goes even like withwith our kids.
(26:14):
So many people teach their kidsoh, you can't quit, you got to
stick with it.
You made a commitment, you gotto, or we, we won't quit
relationships.
And that's super toxic.
Why would you continue to bewith somebody you don't want to
be with?
It's not good for anyone, it'snot good for anybody.
But we have these stories andthese operations and these
expectations that are justrunning our lives, that have
(26:35):
been there since youth.
You can't quit the basketballteam, you can't quit playing
football, and it teaches youlike you have to stick with
these things and be miserableeven if you're miserable.
And our traditional educationsystem facilitates this entire
process.
Right, and then that bleedsinto well, i got it, i have this
job.
I should be grateful for it.
(26:57):
Well, don't they treat you likegarbage, they don't pay you
very well and you're totallyunsatisfied.
Yeah, but I've got theseresponsibilities And you can't
meet your responsibilities ifyou're not taking care of
yourself.
And so that's kind of themessage that's come up for me is
to be taking care of myself, totake a deeper look at my
(27:18):
ruthless commitment to mypurpose.
I am in this softwaredevelopment bootcamp and I'm
looking at it and trying toanalyze, like, how am I showing
up here?
I'm giving it my best right now.
My grades are good.
It's a very demanding program,it's incredibly demanding, but
(27:40):
does it fit with my purpose?
Or am I just?
am I being?
am I in a state of fear or anexperience of fear and working
on a plan B in case this doesn'twork out?
You know well what if itdoesn't work out.
So what Do I love doing this?
Yeah, i do, i really do, and Ihope what I'm sharing with you
(28:02):
makes an impact, so that, in andof itself, is working out for
me, and then, in that, i hopethat it is working out for you,
because that is the whole pointof why I'm here and why this
brings me joy.
If I've already made themistake and I can offer you an
opportunity and an invitation totake a look at the mess that I
(28:24):
had made in my life and maybehelp you make some different
decisions, or to see thatheartbreak as an opportunity, or
to see that walking away fromthat job as the catalyst that
catapults you into a thousand Xtimes better life and
opportunity.
Every closing of a relationshipis 50 other doors opening to
(28:47):
possibility, every single one.
I hope that you can carry thatwith you today as we part ways.
My goodness, this is so muchfun, so much fun, and I hope
that you guys enjoy it too.
Our time together is soimportant to me And you got that
(29:10):
happy saxophone that just comesto it.
It gets me every time.
It really does So.
Do we want a freestyle right now?
Is it coming up?
Let's see, let's see what wegot.
I'll say all day, you know it'sthe way I'm coming up and there
(29:42):
is no way that I'm gonna fallright flat on my face.
I'm picking up the mace and I'mgoing out of pace.
That's a little slower, alittle bit rewind, and I don't
know why.
It's movie recording time andit says it's been stopped
automatically.
The maximum recording time hasbeen reached.
So I was looking over here whenthe message popped up and I was
like, oh no, it's a littleinterruption of what I'm doing.
(30:04):
I'm over here.
Volcano, flowing lava, magmayou know that, oh, it gets a
little hot in here.
Can you experience selfjudgment with me in this moment?
My rhymes should be fire.
Oh, my goodness, is thisanother story that puts me on a
funeral pyre, when I'm lookinglike a little bit of a liar?
I know that I want to flow alittle bit slow, so here we go
(30:27):
and break it down low.
Oh, that is the happy saxophone.
And you know that I love to laythe bone down for a dog to have
a treat.
You know that I'm so good inthe street, so here we go is
smiling flow.
And I know that when I light upI glow.
So everybody wants to movetheir feet and do this dance
(30:47):
like yeah, it's a shit.
All day podcast.
I love you, family.
I'm such a beautiful time.
Yes, yes, yes, oh, my goodness, so happy, so happy
every time this comes on,because we know, we know that
what's coming next is the AsheAll Day Podcast family.
(00:32):
I'm so happy to have you here.
We're just making someadjustments on this, this camera
here, but we'll probably be.
I'll probably use this one thatI'm looking at and chop this up
.
So there we go.
It's a little better, it's alittle better.
Yeah, all right, awesome, oh,okay.
(00:55):
So, look, haven't recorded in afew days.
Maybe you're wondering why?
Well, i'll be honest with you.
There is a tendency inside ofme to work really hard and get a
little bit exhausted, and inthe past I maybe would have been
(01:16):
like you know what I am.
I'm exhausted and I'm just Iquit, right, and we're going to
be talking about some impostersyndrome today and we're going
to be talking about quittingtoday.
That's really what's coming upfor me, and we'll just start
with that.
But first, what we're actuallygoing to do we're actually going
(01:38):
to start with is a poem that Iwrote that I would love to share
with you guys, and it's calledWallflower.
So I will give you a littlebackground on where this poem
came from.
I was out this weekend went andsaw an incredible DJ.
Dj Santa Maria used to playsoccer for the Seattle Sounders.
(02:02):
Great human being.
Met him after his set, got somepictures, quick chit, chat, but
just the medicine that he wasproviding to all of us that
night was just so incredible.
And when you're in thatenvironment there can be a
tendency to for some people Inoticed they'll just pull off
and they just sit on thesidelines all night.
(02:24):
And that's what inspired this,this poem.
So just join me in this moment,invite you to drop into your
body with the breath, close youreyes, let go of that stress,
let go of that tension, let itout, exhale that poison, inhale
(02:51):
and fill your body with love andlight.
Make the invitation right now,in this moment.
It's beautiful Wallflower, thedemise of a wallflower, it is
the death of us all.
To sit on the sidelines as theworld unfolds.
This is the lost city ofAtlantis.
(03:13):
We are the bones foundation.
Break us again and again inorder to level up the field of
play.
We are Ache all day.
Let us play Bigger, bolder.
(03:37):
Every single day.
Here comes in this place.
We stand and embrace, integratewith love, finally understand.
We've been in community withwallflowers And I am the weeping
willow, tears of joy Takerefuge in the shade of my
(04:06):
eternal medicine.
Take refuge in the shade of myeternal medicine.
So that came to me after feelinga very intense wave of fear and
(04:28):
terror in the night Yes, amoment where I felt like nothing
I do matters, that everythingis empty and meaningless, that
relationships and the narrativethat is constructed is
destructive, that this path islonely, full of terrors, and
(04:55):
then I'm not what I think I amor who I claim to be.
And in that utter horror, inthis EDM club, i'm dancing out
spirits and energy and makingnew friends and connections and
(05:15):
building relationship and livingin my truth.
These feelings still came up,and here's the beauty of the
work is that in that momentwhere I was experiencing an
emotional dying, a horror andfear that rippled through my
body and my reality andimmediately painted it darker
(05:39):
and homage to Leonard Cohen Icontinued to move forward on my
path.
Do you see, this is the natureof the work When everything
feels as though it means nothingand you have this absolute
(06:02):
horror rolling through your body, you can choose to be present
with it and still choose to comeback to the moment, to resource
in your body to find your happyplace, while still honoring
that fear and terror.
(06:23):
Being an entrepreneur can bescary.
Being in an EDM club surroundedby strangers can be scary.
Being alone can be scary,especially in our society that
pushes relationship and beingwith someone else in order to
create value and codependencyand so many other things.
(06:47):
It can feel scary, but the workhelps us know that those
feelings might be our reality inthe moment.
Yes, this is scary.
So what?
So what?
It is terrifying to make thispodcast and put my opinions out
into the world, but every time Isit down and do it, i feel like
(07:09):
a little kid.
It is joy, it is abundance.
In this moment, i channelspirit.
It is so good, it is so goodAnd you can do that too.
That is your birthright To keepmaking moves, to keep living
life, to keep being present inthe moment and to experience
(07:32):
that horror and fear.
Because they will tell you what, as soon as I got through that
layer and it was quick that isthe other nature of the work is
that these layers will flash.
They are not permanent.
The only permanent thing isimpermanence.
The only constant is change.
So on the other side of thatfear layer, that horror, that
(07:54):
fucking death.
Oh man, i had the best night.
I had the absolute best night.
Truly, it was so good So muchdancing, so much movement, so
much connection, so much joy andtenderness and relating.
I made some new friends whoaren't even from here.
They're from Dallas.
(08:14):
I made a deeper connection withan incredible music producer
named Tish, who is from YesMusic Productions absolutely
phenomenal human being, soincredible, and that led to an
amazing birthday party at thehome of the musician Nuda.
I'm going to link her stuff inthis.
(08:34):
You got to check her out.
Absolutely phenomenal and oneof the most premium human beings
I've ever met, absolutesweetheart.
And when she gets on stage, wow, she transforms into this
monolithic beast mode, absolute,just divine being.
(08:56):
So check that out.
She's got a show coming up herein Seattle on the 17th of
August.
You'll catch me there for sureAnd I'm just, i'm super excited,
i'm so stoked.
So in that experience of fear,there is the opportunity to be
present with that, to grow, toflex some muscles, to get a
(09:18):
little bit more comfortable withbeing in those places, to
integrating that darkness andthen to making the conscious
decision to really, you know,like, okay, i've felt this for
five, 10 minutes.
I've honored it, i've beenpresent, i'm no longer
spiritually bypassing becauseI've been doing my work and I
listened to the Oshay All Daypodcast about spiritual
(09:39):
bypassing.
So I used those tools and nowI'm in a place where I can
really be so juicy in this fearand in this present moment and
then just move forward into thisjoy, because it's waves, baby,
it's all waves, everything.
It's not permanent And I meanthere are depressive episodes
(10:00):
that feel like they will go onforever.
But that is again the nature ofthe work of like, how do I keep
it moving when I'm feeling sodepressed and I'm feeling like I
don't have anything to give?
And that comes down todiscipline and some other things
.
But today we're talking aboutquitting, an imposter syndrome.
So I've just shared a lot withyou.
(10:22):
I have just shared a lot withyou And I just want to make sure
that it is is this recording?
Yeah, okay, so crazy.
So yeah, we've got impostersyndrome and we have quitting,
(10:44):
and we'll talk about quittingfirst.
Actually, let's talk aboutimposter syndrome first, because
I think that imposter syndromehas the potential to drive
people to quit, yeah, so I thinkthat's a it'll be a good
natural segue I'm sure you'refamiliar with imposter syndrome.
If you're not, here's a quickbreakdown.
(11:07):
Imposter syndrome is thecondition wherein you feel like
you're an imposter, that you'repretending that it's just an act
, that there's a falseness toeverything that you do.
That could be at work.
I've experienced it in manyways.
Let me give you some examples.
When I published my first book,the Three Eyes man, that night
(11:31):
I didn't get any sleep.
I poured my heart into that andit's it's short, but I laid out
very honestly how poorly I hadshown up in relationships, how I
had been an unfaithful spouse,how I had just really dishonored
myself.
But I didn't fully have anunderstanding of what that was
doing to me personally.
(11:53):
I knew in some ways, but nowI've matured more, i've done
more work on myself.
I've gotten a deeper, moreintimate understanding of what
relationships are.
But the night that I publishedthat and I worked with a coach
to do that first book and somethings like that And it's gotten
great reviews.
It's a quality, it's a qualityoffering.
(12:15):
But I did not feel like who.
I felt like who am I to tellthis story, which is ridiculous,
right, because it's my story.
Who else could tell it?
But that was really one of thenarratives, one of the stories
going on in my head was like whoam I to tell this story?
Who am I to say these things?
Who am I to give anyone thisadvice?
And that goes, i mean, evenfurther.
(12:41):
I was the director of postaloperations at Ramstein Air Base
and I had a huge team, largestmilitary postal operation on the
planet And I just I felt like Icouldn't do anything right And
that's kind of the nature ofthat beast.
But it was a combination ofthat feedback where my work
(13:01):
product was being accepted,everything was buttoned up and
dialed in And I knew myregulations and rules and what
was expected of me And I did mybest to show up powerfully and
intentionally, but I just Ididn't fit into the system And
that was to my detriment.
They could never get me on anyof my work product.
(13:22):
But just like personalityconflict, wise it was.
It was not a win for me Andthat's okay.
I learned a lot, but it broughtme to a point in time where I
began to question everythingabout everything that I had
learned at a really high levelabout management and leadership
and team building andcommunication, and these are
(13:44):
kind of my greatest strengthsLike it was.
It was crazy, and so There weresome things I did to try to
validate myself.
One of them was that I finisheda master's degree.
I started and finished amaster's degree in management
and leadership through WesternGovernors University a great
program and I did that onefaster than anyone has ever
(14:09):
completed the program.
It's self-paced and it is veryrobust.
Some people tried to tell methat I couldn't have possibly
gotten anything out of thateducation, and I'm like man.
I picked a topic that I alreadyknew a lot about.
I've had incredible mentors.
One of them is Brandon Allen,and he's from New Work
Revolution.
Check out his podcast on it.
It's all about leadership.
(14:30):
He taught me so much and Iworked directly for and with him
for a couple of years, and thenour relationship has continued
on and into the future, intothis present moment.
Even If I were to pick up thephone and call Brandon right now
, he may or may not answer, buthe would get back to me and we
would set up a connection.
It's beautiful.
He has been there for me and Ilearned so much from him and I
(14:53):
respect him so deeply.
So I picked a topic and agraduate program that I already
knew a ton about and I hadexperience with all of it, so
that helped me in a huge way tocomplete the program very
quickly.
Also, it is a very writtenfocused program, so I had to
(15:16):
write a ton.
But that is a strength of mineI am very well written and I can
write about a topic that I knowa lot about very quickly.
So that really helped mecomplete the program in a very
timely fashion.
So that was all for me, and Iexpended so much time, attention
and energy to validating myselfthrough a graduate level
(15:40):
program of education in order tobe like yo.
I'm clearly not a bad manageror leader.
I have a master's degree inthis topic.
What is going on here And whatthat did was furthered my level
of confusion in that situation.
So feeling like an imposterYeah, so that should make sense
(16:02):
now.
So just feeling like an imposterin the imposter syndrome is
feeling like you're more or lessnot good enough, that you can't
show it powerfully, that youdon't know what you're doing,
even if you do.
And how does that actuallymanifest?
Well, if you have this internalnarrative running that says
over and over and over and overand over again you're not good
enough, i'm not good enough, ican't do this, i don't know what
(16:24):
to do.
I don't listen to that.
That'll beat you down.
It will truly beat you down.
It is difficult to manage,especially when you start to
believe it.
That's when you really get intothe wickets and the weeds and
man you loved ones.
You've got to keep your gardenclean.
You've got to do the work tokeep your garden clean, and it's
(16:46):
not always easy.
It is not always easy But itdoes require you know a really
disciplined self care routine.
Some of my mentors recommend amorning power hour.
That's, i'm not really.
I say I'm not a morning person.
Therefore I am not a morningperson.
But I can get up, like you know, when I really make the
(17:08):
decision, like, all right, i'mdoing the morning thing.
Now I'm up at five, i'm at thegym by 530, i'm cooking
breakfast, i'm doing, i'm doingmy mobility, all those kinds of
things.
I hit my morning, hit theground running, get in that
audible book while I'm workingout at the gym so I can just
work out the brain at the sametime.
And these are all means ofcombating.
(17:30):
Actually, let's not combat it,because what we want to do is
integrate things.
We want to open our arms.
We want to love and embracethese challenging opportunities
for growth.
That is, that is our, that'sour goal.
That is what we're doing, andso we want to integrate this
imposter.
Everything is there, trying itsbest to help us.
(17:51):
So what's acting out of shadowin this moment?
What is it?
childhood trauma?
Is it mother, father, wound?
What is it?
Is it someone said something toyou when you were a kid, or
maybe when you were in juniorhigh or high school of college?
What is it?
Are you able to do that workand find that root cause, to get
(18:11):
clear on what it is that isdriving this imposter syndrome?
Are you able to invite thatimposter syndrome in to sit by
your fire and to really ask itwhat do you need?
How can I help you?
What does it look like to beworking together to create this
(18:32):
safety?
Can you show me And in doingthat, you'll be able to get more
clear on things that you can doto help eliminate that process
that, excuse me, to eliminate orto integrate that experience
And in so doing, you will beable to level up your game?
(18:56):
Now, talking about quitting, andthis is something that I've
learned from several mentors,very successful people.
There is no shame in quitting.
I'm gonna say this again Thereis no shame in quitting.
I have quit so many things.
I quit my job in Germany.
(19:17):
I have quit plenty of otherjobs.
I've quit businesses that I'vestarted.
I've quit opportunity.
I've quit relationships.
I quit when things that I doare not things for me.
Sometimes that can be reallyhard to admit.
Sometimes, when you're likeeyeballs deep in a relationship
with somebody and you'veinvested all the time and you
(19:38):
have these trauma bonds, it canbe hard to quit those
relationships.
It can be hard to quit a jobthat's not serving you.
It can be hard to quit anactivity or a sport or something
that you have that you did makea commitment to do.
It can be hard to quit writinga book or trying to start a
(19:58):
business.
But here's the thing If itisn't serving you and it's not
bringing you joy and you you'vetried it, you've sampled it and
you're like I don't like the waythis tastes, then why would you
keep eating it?
I gotta give a shout out toDexter for saying that last
night he was sharing with meabout an experience he had.
(20:22):
It involves some blue, neonglowing clowns and a saxophone.
He was like it was like I hadtaken a bite.
I didn't like how it tastes, ispit it out.
I was like dude, that'sactually a really profound way
to think about that.
I love that.
Now I get to pass thatknowledge on to you.
It is literally like there'sall these experiences in life
(20:44):
that are out there for us topartake in, to taste, touch,
smell, feel, experience, sense,listen to all, all of the
sensations being with itenergetically.
You may have noticed, okay, sohere's a perfect example.
And there was some shame in thisfor me.
Oh, man, there was some shamein this for me.
(21:04):
I was meant to lead a blackmasculinity four week series in
coordination with a with anorganization here in Seattle,
and we had a few meetingsbeforehand.
did the outline, had theprogram built all that stuff,
set the price point, didn't sella single ticket.
Yeah, didn't sell a singleticket, and I've been.
(21:28):
I was ashamed of that.
There was some some.
A part of me took that as amessage of my value, like, no
one believes in me, no onethinks I'm worthy, the
organization that I hadpartnered up with doesn't see my
value.
But none of those things aretrue.
What could be true is that Ihaven't established enough trust
(21:53):
in the local community or inthat specific community or that
demographic, whatever you wantto call it, to put a $250 price
tag on a four week series.
Maybe that's the case.
That could be true.
I'm pretty new to the scene outhere.
People don't know me, andthat's fine, that's okay.
(22:15):
But I got to be honest, i did,i felt like a failure in that
And we sort of quit thatrelationship And I haven't
pursued that series since then.
But so many other beautifulthings have come up And I don't
I did.
I quit that Like, yes, i didn'tsell tickets, but I could have
(22:37):
kept trying to relentlesslypursue that thing.
That could have become the thornin my side or my you know, my
Don Quixote monster right that Ijust pursue relentlessly.
But that wouldn't serve me.
Like I did my toe out, i putout some feelers, we saw what
was happening.
(22:57):
The market wasn't there for mein this particular moment And so
, okay, it's time to pivot.
It would have taken a lot of mytime, a lot of my time.
I wouldn't have been able to goto the birthday party that I
went to yesterday.
I wouldn't have been able to goout to see DJ Santa Maria And
(23:18):
so many other things I wouldhave missed out on the Harbor
Island studio grand opening, theopen house, which was
incredible.
I got to hang out with myamazing friend Asher, got
connected with a 48 hour filmproject team.
I'm super excited for that.
And so there are so many thingsthat have come to fruition.
(23:41):
Because that opportunityresolved in a quitting And you
may be like, well, you didn'tquit, it just didn't work out,
like okay, well, either way, idid kind of quit because a week
or two before there were noticket sales And I was like we
need to just pull the plug onthis.
People are interested.
We priced it too high And myheart wasn't in it And the
(24:02):
universe or creator source,whatever you want to say knew
that, knew that Right now, inthis moment, that is not what I
meant to do.
And I had an experience aweekend ago, right before the
fourth of July, i went to asummer night Moonbloom festival.
(24:22):
That that is an incrediblefestival put on by a leecho tree
just a beautiful human beingand the people of conscious
community that I connected withthere a lot of them from my
ecstatic dance community it wasabsolutely incredible And I got
some downloads And one of themwas work harder.
But I've been sitting with thatAnd it's just like yo.
(24:45):
That is a freaking story thatruns in my head constantly,
constantly, constantly.
I'm pushing myself, i do thispodcast, i'm editing a book, i'm
writing a book, i'm constantlywriting poetry, i'm in an
advanced software developmentboot camp learning Python.
We've got group projects thisweek And there are so many other
(25:06):
.
I'm networking and connectingand I'm learning.
There are so many things thatI'm doing doing doing doing.
So.
This message of like you needto work harder.
I was like, oh man, but I'mworking so hard already And what
.
What I really came to with thatis getting more clear, kind of
(25:29):
on my self care practice, myspirituality work, but also just
being a bit more intentionalwith what I'm doing and where
I'm giving my energy.
I was also given the message tostop seeking collaboration in
(25:52):
so many ways.
I can totally run a men's group, but I need to do that on my
own.
I don't want or need to partnerwith an organization in order
to do that, and that's thelesson that's come out of what I
consider quitting thatengagement.
So and it goes even like withwith our kids.
(26:14):
So many people teach their kidsoh, you can't quit, you got to
stick with it.
You made a commitment, you gotto, or we, we won't quit
relationships.
And that's super toxic.
Why would you continue to bewith somebody you don't want to
be with?
It's not good for anyone, it'snot good for anybody.
But we have these stories andthese operations and these
expectations that are justrunning our lives, that have
(26:35):
been there since youth.
You can't quit the basketballteam, you can't quit playing
football, and it teaches youlike you have to stick with
these things and be miserableeven if you're miserable.
And our traditional educationsystem facilitates this entire
process.
Right, and then that bleedsinto well, i got it, i have this
job.
I should be grateful for it.
(26:57):
Well, don't they treat you likegarbage, they don't pay you
very well and you're totallyunsatisfied.
Yeah, but I've got theseresponsibilities And you can't
meet your responsibilities ifyou're not taking care of
yourself.
And so that's kind of themessage that's come up for me is
to be taking care of myself, totake a deeper look at my
(27:18):
ruthless commitment to mypurpose.
I am in this softwaredevelopment bootcamp and I'm
looking at it and trying toanalyze, like, how am I showing
up here?
I'm giving it my best right now.
My grades are good.
It's a very demanding program,it's incredibly demanding, but
(27:40):
does it fit with my purpose?
Or am I just?
am I being?
am I in a state of fear or anexperience of fear and working
on a plan B in case this doesn'twork out?
You know well what if itdoesn't work out.
So what Do I love doing this?
Yeah, i do, i really do, and Ihope what I'm sharing with you
(28:02):
makes an impact, so that, in andof itself, is working out for
me, and then, in that, i hopethat it is working out for you,
because that is the whole pointof why I'm here and why this
brings me joy.
If I've already made themistake and I can offer you an
opportunity and an invitation totake a look at the mess that I
(28:24):
had made in my life and maybehelp you make some different
decisions, or to see thatheartbreak as an opportunity, or
to see that walking away fromthat job as the catalyst that
catapults you into a thousand Xtimes better life and
opportunity.
Every closing of a relationshipis 50 other doors opening to
(28:47):
possibility, every single one.
I hope that you can carry thatwith you today as we part ways.
My goodness, this is so muchfun, so much fun, and I hope
that you guys enjoy it too.
Our time together is soimportant to me And you got that
(29:10):
happy saxophone that just comesto it.
It gets me every time.
It really does So.
Do we want a freestyle right now?
Is it coming up?
Let's see, let's see what wegot.
I'll say all day, you know it'sthe way I'm coming up and there
(29:42):
is no way that I'm gonna fallright flat on my face.
I'm picking up the mace and I'mgoing out of pace.
That's a little slower, alittle bit rewind, and I don't
know why.
It's movie recording time andit says it's been stopped
automatically.
The maximum recording time hasbeen reached.
So I was looking over here whenthe message popped up and I was
like, oh no, it's a littleinterruption of what I'm doing.
(30:04):
I'm over here.
Volcano, flowing lava, magmayou know that, oh, it gets a
little hot in here.
Can you experience selfjudgment with me in this moment?
My rhymes should be fire.
Oh, my goodness, is thisanother story that puts me on a
funeral pyre, when I'm lookinglike a little bit of a liar?
I know that I want to flow alittle bit slow, so here we go
(30:27):
and break it down low.
Oh, that is the happy saxophone.
And you know that I love to laythe bone down for a dog to have
a treat.
You know that I'm so good inthe street, so here we go is
smiling flow.
And I know that when I light upI glow.
So everybody wants to movetheir feet and do this dance
(30:47):
like yeah, it's a shit.
All day podcast.
I love you, family.
I'm such a beautiful time.
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