September 21, 2023 • 19 mins
Are you yearning for deeper self-love and stronger personal growth? This episode is set to deliver an engaging exploration into the human connection, where we unravel the complexities of navigating relationships, the power of emotional and spiritual nourishment, and the positive effects these have on personal development.
The journey begins with the pain of letting go of unfulfilling friendships and the healing power of being present with our own discomfort. We delve into the importance of honoring our experiences and seizing the opportunity to learn from them to garner a higher level of self-love and individual growth. As we journey further, we discuss the significant role of personal growth in our relationships. We highlight the importance of staying true to ourselves, taking ownership of our actions, and how these contribute to our growth even when it comes at a cost.
We also shed light on the potential hazards of unchecked social media use, exploring the evolution of our need for validation and how it can be fulfilled offline. Dive into our stimulating dialogue as we guide you through these vital elements of human connection and personal evolution, promising enlightenment and empowerment. Join us on this rewarding journey towards healthier relationships, self-love, and personal growth.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Andrew Carroll (00:00):
Talking about having to let friends go and
really change relationshipdynamics that aren't serving you
is a huge part of the work and,in my experience, the ability
to be present with that pain andchoosing to really love
yourself and that other personthat you may be in unhealthy
relationship with and lettingthem go is a huge step in the
(00:23):
healing process overall.
The dynamics of humanconnection are hugely complex.
Every situation is different.
There's so many layers to allof it and if you're really truly
listening, people will tell youexactly what is going on for
them.
If you're investigatingromantic connection and someone
(00:43):
tells you that I don't deserveyou, that's not romantic.
It's not.
That's coming from somewhere.
There's truth in that and itneeds to be looked at.
Anytime I've been in arelationship where I've said
something like that to somebody,or someone has said something
like that to me, or if a personis telling you nobody will ever
love you like I do, these aren'tsweet things to say.
(01:05):
They're coming from a place ofscarcity within that person or
within yourself, and they'recoming from a place of
insecurity.
It needs to be heard andaccepted for what it is and
along this path you'll begin tohave a voice and your voice will
set you free, and sometimes ithurts, you know, sometimes that
hurts a lot.
(01:26):
I've been the friend thatpeople needed to cut out of
their lives.
I've had to cut people out ofmy life, but every one of those
evolutions has been the bestthing that could have happened
to me and it is truly, truly,truly my hope that me not being
in someone else's life was thebest thing that happened to them
.
I wish the best for everysingle person that I've explored
(01:47):
with, that I've been in arelationship with, that I am no
longer in a relationship with,with deep gratitude for what I
was provided the opportunity tolearn, and that took a long time
, and being present with thatpain is necessary.
You must honor every feelingthat comes up and every
experience that comes upthroughout that process.
(02:09):
There's this misconception that, well, it just, it hurts less
and less or you're not, youdon't have to experience that
much pain or these kinds ofthoughts.
But that's actually quite theopposite.
What I have found living withmy heart open and inviting
people in and being able to lovesomeone immediately because I
(02:30):
love myself is that I get hurt,but I'm open to that.
What I have been able to do isto grow as a container, which
means that I'm able toemotionally experience a broader
range of sensations, and whatused to break my heart when I
was 20, 25, 30 years old doesn'thave the ability to crush me
(02:57):
like it used to.
The pain is still intense andit is to be experienced, but I
am able to, as the container,hold that more effectively,
examine it more closely, honorwhat I'm being taught in that
process, get curious about whatI need to be doing in my life as
(03:19):
I move forward.
That's really, really one ofthe biggest lessons that I've
learned.
Like last night, a great exampleright, I was at karaoke last
night and my ex and I listenedto Weezer a lot.
I love Weezer, they're a funtime.
They're a fun time.
So I was looking through thekaraoke stuff and I was like man
, I want to sing some Weezer.
(03:40):
So I pulled up Weezer and I waslooking through their list of
songs and I just felt my heartjust wrenched and I was like, oh
, so I closed my phone and as Iwas sitting with that pain, I
was like you know what?
No, that's beautiful.
I had such awesome times withthis person.
In those moments I'm going tojust I'm going to take that.
I can still look at the wholething.
(04:00):
As for what it was, it was nothealthy for either one of us,
but that was something that weshared and in those little
slices it was, it was fun, right, yeah?
And so I went back, picked asong, belted my heart out, loved
every second of it.
And now, you know, I faced thatbecame a bigger container and
now Weezer can be a part of myplaylist again, and I'm not
(04:21):
afraid of what is the experiencegoing to be when I go into that
and I think that's a bigtestament of like the fact that
you've probably done a lot ofwork to get there like that.
Asher Vast (04:32):
You've worked for that and that's not something
that a lot of people would havebeen able to do.
You know, sing a karaoke of asong that they were, you know,
loved to sing with their partner.
That in my earlier years thatwould have been impossible for
me to do.
And into this day.
It's still a challenge to doand I don't do karaoke.
But I get where you're comingfrom in that, like sharing that
(04:54):
you know that experience againand participating in that being
a part of that memory, and thatit is more than just what you
shared with that person.
You know it's something thatwas an important part of your
life and it doesn't necessarilyalways have to come back to them
.
You know you were both there,you both had a lot of joy and
(05:14):
that's something that can behonored without having to tie in
with.
You know the trauma of them notbeing in your life anymore.
Andrew Carroll (05:22):
Absolutely, or even the trauma of them being in
my life, right yeah.
Asher Vast (05:26):
Right yeah.
Andrew Carroll (05:27):
It's full size of the coin and I can only be
100% responsible for how Andrewshows up.
Right, I can't be heldresponsible for how somebody
else shows up in relationship.
But again, like I don't holdany ill will towards anyone
anymore Let me dial that back.
There's probably some areasthat I could do some deeper
dives and pick up some things.
(05:47):
Like we were talking aboutreligion just a minute ago when
we were on a break and there'sstill some stuff that is
challenging around that for me,because that was a root program
that ran in my life as a kid.
That takes deep work to digthrough that stuff.
So I can't say that I don'thave any ill will towards
certain things or this or thatanymore.
But there are many relationshipsthat used to really crush me,
(06:10):
even going back and looking atthem that now I'm just like I
chose that.
I chose to allow someone tomanipulate me.
I chose to allow someone to beunfaithful and continue to be in
relationship with me.
I chose all of that.
I needed to choose it so that Icould evolve and feel that pain
.
I reap what I sow.
I had cheated on so many peopleand then when it finally
(06:33):
happened to me, I was like holyfuck, this is what I've been
doing to people.
I needed that.
I'm grateful for it, right?
Asher Vast (06:40):
Sometimes we don't know how we hurt other people
until we're hurt ourselves.
Andrew Carroll (06:44):
Yeah, and that's exactly what it was.
Man and this person was put inmy life to reflect back to me
exactly what I had been doing toother people I knew.
When it happened, I felt anenergetic dagger go through my
heart in the middle of the night.
It woke me up, dude.
I tried to have someconversations with it, with this
partner, and just got lied toand belittled until I was
(07:05):
insecure and paranoid and allthese things right.
Then, finally, they admitted itsix months later.
It was exactly what I needed.
It was just enough.
I hope that she's able to be ona super healing journey, just
like I am right now, like I wantthe world for her, for her
happiness and her health andwell-being, you know, and maybe
that's what she needed in herjourney was to a new start.
(07:27):
I hope so, you know, because itwas very clear that the work
could not be done with me in thepicture.
Asher Vast (07:32):
Yeah, you know that's a hard realization, oh
bro.
Andrew Carroll (07:36):
I love this exploration with people.
Even right now, I'm feeling itagain, and it's beautiful and it
also sucks, right?
I want to be clear foreverybody too, like it can be
beautiful and it can suck at thesame time.
It's not all like we're overhere like it's so good.
It's so good.
Listen, guys, it's gonna sucksometimes, but you've got to be
grateful for that too.
So I just We've all had an end.
(07:57):
To remember that like yearsback.
Asher Vast (08:00):
You're gonna look on this and you're going to either
, you know, remember what greatopportunity that was, or you're
going to, you know, fight thechange and fight the progress
and try to like victim blame.
You know, oh she, you know, wasthis or wasn't that?
and she did this and but reallyI mean, you know you're each
(08:22):
your own, like you're saying,you're each your own container.
So, like you, you have optionsand you have responsibilities.
To be true to yourself.
To be true to yourself first,and then that way you're able to
be, you know, true to others aswell.
Andrew Carroll (08:36):
Yeah, absolutely .
How have you experienced thatsort of expansion of your
personal container, asher?
What does that look like foryou?
Do you see anything specificthat shows up in, maybe, the
relationship that you'recurrently in with a friend or in
business, or with your partnerthat really highlights your
improved ability to show up?
Asher Vast (08:56):
powerfully?
That's a great question.
You know, that's something thatI feel like I've been
discovering, like a lot in, youknow, the last you know five or
10 years, with my relationshipswith my friends and my family, I
feel like my, my group offriends has gotten smaller, even
though the people that I've metand know has grown bigger.
(09:17):
Yeah, so, like, I know a lot ofpeople and I have a lot of
friends like, who are youracquaintances?
Like hundreds of people who youknow, know me by name and know
who I am and what I do, and youknow we're friends, but like
they're not.
You know they're not my tribe.
You know, like even, andthey're great, like these are
great people I'm talking about.
Most of them are individuals whoare doing great things in their
(09:41):
own right, you know, but youknow we're not.
They're not in my inner circle,yeah, and that's okay.
You know that's okay.
Not everybody's going to beyour best friend.
You know, like, not everybody'sgoing to be in your tribe and
that's, that's all right,because I feel like that circle
should be reserved for peoplewho are on the same path as you,
or at least on the samefrequency, in that you know you
(10:03):
have similar objectives andyou're able to, you know, work
together and support each otherin your own trials and
tribulations in life and comeout better at the end.
Andrew Carroll (10:15):
I love what you just said about not everyone's
going to be your best friend.
That's so deeply important tome.
I grew up in a place where Ididn't fit in and I didn't have
options A town of 300 people.
Asher Vast (10:27):
That's really small.
Andrew Carroll (10:28):
Yeah, so small, right, and so trying to build
relationships with people whodidn't want to be in
relationship with me.
Just recently I read thislittle blurb that somebody said
people aren't needy.
Imagine you're walking throughthe desert and you didn't have
any water, you didn't have anyfood, and then you show up at
someone's doorstep and therethey see you and you're
dehydrated and you're sick andyou've sun exposure, all these
(10:51):
things, and they finally giveyou some food and some water and
you're just ravenously eatingit.
Well, walking this world alonein a sense, or in unhealthy
relationship or any of thosekinds of things, is the same
emotional equivalent to thesingular human body experience
of being lost and alone in thedesert.
(11:11):
I haven't had emotional water, Ihadn't had emotional food, I
hadn't had spiritual connection,and so when someone would
finally offer it to me, I wasdehydrated and I was starving
and I needed some love, right,and I would invite other people
to get really curious about howthat's showing up in their lives
, because we find ourselves notonly, like we've talked about,
(11:35):
repeating patterns, butaccepting relationship from
others.
That is less than we should.
That is unhealthy, because wehave been without that
connection and what you'repointing out, if I'm lost in the
desert and I don't have anywater, the kind of water I'm
going to be willing to drink issignificantly different than the
kind of water I'm willing todrink when I'm hydrated.
Yeah is the same with friendsand even family and romantic
(12:01):
partners.
So the way you highlight thatis beautifully said it's just
like the work and theconsistency and the
investigation that truly bringsit all together.
Asher Vast (12:14):
Yeah, it's really a wonderful thing to ponder when
you can take a high-level viewand kind of look down on where
you came from and where you are.
I know that that's not, that'ssuper subjective for a lot of
people, but if you've beenthrough trauma, if you've been
through really bad situationswhere you felt like there was
(12:38):
just nothing left to live foranymore, and then you get over
that and you're able to lookback and realize that that
distress and that feeling ofhopelessness you had was
transitory.
It was a part of the, you know,the whole experience of
transcending into a betterversion of yourself, because you
(13:01):
made it through and yousurvived and if you did the work
, you're gonna thrive.
Andrew Carroll (13:08):
If you did the work, you're gonna thrive.
That's it, man.
That's everything.
Perfect point to bring upspiritual bypassing.
It's been it's been coming upfor me in and out as we've been
weaving this conversationtogether and examining some
things, and I want to touch onit again.
There's an episode on thepodcast already about spiritual
bypassing.
(13:28):
If you haven't listened to thatyet, really invite you to do so
.
It's a deeper dive than whatwe'll do here.
When you were speaking ofmeditation.
You're talking about, you know,clearing the space, creating
the space for you to sit withyourself, to be present with
what comes up, to honor thosethings.
When you're just getting intomeditation or spirituality,
(13:50):
mindfulness practices and thosekinds of things, there can be
this common misconception that Iguess has kind of been labeled
as toxic positivity.
Are you familiar with that?
Have you heard of that?
Have you heard that?
Asher Vast (14:01):
I have heard that it's um, and I guess I don't
quite understand the basis there.
Andrew Carroll (14:07):
In our conversations.
I think I can't speak for you,but I get the feeling that you
also view kind of the spectrumof potential experiences right.
I do try to approach things ina non-dualistic view.
It's not good or bad, it justis.
And so the idea of toxicpositivity, my understanding of
it and in my experience is thatlet's just for example you,
(14:29):
let's say you get hit by a carthat sucks, and if you're just
sitting there trying to spin,that is that like, oh, this is
me getting smashed by this car.
It's such a huge blessing theremight be some good that comes
out of that, but you'redishonoring the experience and
the sensation and the feelingthat it sucks to get hit by a
car.
I'm inviting everyone to reallyconsider that if you are
ignoring and not honoring thewide, vibrant rainbow of
(14:55):
sensations that are available tous in every situation, you're
planting seeds for what could becalled the negative outcomes.
And I know I'm now I'm labelingsomething as negative after I
just said being non-dualistic inyour approach to things.
But it's an opportunity forshadow to act out.
And when shadow is acting outand in control, like you
mentioned, when is the time forme to take the wheel?
(15:16):
When is the time for me tosurrender If you're not Honoring
your shadow just as much asyou're honoring your light?
You're creating space for thereto be significant issues, right
?
Significant issues, right.
Asher Vast (15:27):
It's not always all good, exactly when we refer to
things as good or bad, orpleasant or unpleasant.
That's a very circumstantialtype of event that you know is
going to be very Subjective tothe person who's viewing it in
the environment that they're inand the people around them.
So I think I've witnessed someof what you're referring to with
(15:47):
talks of positivity, especiallyin in in the community, where
people who are more Focused ongrowth you, I think I've seen it
where it's just like, oh, it'sall good.
You know, everything's just,it's all positive, everything's
you know vibrant in the world,it's just such a great place and
everything's you know soAmazing.
And that's true in a sense.
(16:10):
You know that, like that,everything is wonderful if you,
you know, look at the rightangle and you know if you're
viewing it through the rightlens.
But you know there's a lot oflike awful, horrible shit in
life too that like we are betteroff without.
You know, and some of that isToxic people, you know, and some
(16:31):
of it is, you know, unhealthyrelationships with technology
and Social media and those typesof things.
And we can I think we can all dobetter to like find a place to,
to you know, exist even in inthe moments of meditation or
otherwise, without those thoseelements in our life.
(16:55):
And this comes from, comes fromsomebody who uses social media
all the time for for businessand staying in touch with my
friends.
But also I acknowledge thatit's become an unhealthy, an
unhealthy element if I don'tkeep it in check, you know, like
if I don't Be aware of the factthat I'm doom scrolling, you
(17:15):
know, and that I'm so glad thatsomebody put a name on that.
Yeah, because it makes it moreevident and more easy to realize
, when you're doing it, thatyou're basically doing the same
thing that boomers did back inthe day, when they flip on the
TV and they're, like you know,flipping, looking for something
to watch, and Do you justidentified the original doom
(17:38):
scrolling.
Andrew Carroll (17:38):
I had never thought about that.
That's how I look about.
Asher Vast (17:41):
That's so accurate though, but the process of
checking out in your environmentand checking out in your life,
to be an observer and beentertained.
And now there's another levelto it and it's the engagement
level, where it's not just thatpeople want to be entertained
but they also want to bevalidated.
And so people I feel, like somepeople who used to watch a lot
(18:03):
of TV and it used to be couchpotatoes, whatever, they would
have their thing where they getoff of work and they go home and
and watch TV that that theyfound some Validation from the
shows that they watched or thedifferent personalities that
they would follow, and it's anevolution of that nowadays, in
my opinion, on social media.
But there's the additionalelement of the interaction from
(18:25):
when you post something andsomebody else gives you
validation, that is fulfilling aneed in people's lives that I
feel like could be filledsomewhere else and should be
filled somewhere else.
So it's like we all, like youknow, when we share something
with the world and we think it'sawesome and then it gets a lot
(18:47):
of likes, you know we all youcan't not like that.
There's literally nobody postingwho looks back on their posts
and sees the Interactions anddoesn't get a dopamine boost
from that, you know.
So we all get that.
I think it's important tounderstand that there's a line
between what is healthy for youto receive that, that validation
(19:09):
and how much of that validationis healthy versus how much of
it you could be gettingsomewhere else.
So if you're getting thatvalidation online from those
interactions and you're gettinga lot of it you need to Be aware
of the fact that that some ofthat needs to come offline.
So that needs to come fromphysical, like interactions with
(19:31):
people, conversations that youhave, like the ones that we're
having right now, and that'simperative for Becoming a you
know, a well-rounded human.
Yeah,
Talking about having to let friends go and
really change relationshipdynamics that aren't serving you
is a huge part of the work and,in my experience, the ability
to be present with that pain andchoosing to really love
yourself and that other personthat you may be in unhealthy
relationship with and lettingthem go is a huge step in the
(00:23):
healing process overall.
The dynamics of humanconnection are hugely complex.
Every situation is different.
There's so many layers to allof it and if you're really truly
listening, people will tell youexactly what is going on for
them.
If you're investigatingromantic connection and someone
(00:43):
tells you that I don't deserveyou, that's not romantic.
It's not.
That's coming from somewhere.
There's truth in that and itneeds to be looked at.
Anytime I've been in arelationship where I've said
something like that to somebody,or someone has said something
like that to me, or if a personis telling you nobody will ever
love you like I do, these aren'tsweet things to say.
(01:05):
They're coming from a place ofscarcity within that person or
within yourself, and they'recoming from a place of
insecurity.
It needs to be heard andaccepted for what it is and
along this path you'll begin tohave a voice and your voice will
set you free, and sometimes ithurts, you know, sometimes that
hurts a lot.
(01:26):
I've been the friend thatpeople needed to cut out of
their lives.
I've had to cut people out ofmy life, but every one of those
evolutions has been the bestthing that could have happened
to me and it is truly, truly,truly my hope that me not being
in someone else's life was thebest thing that happened to them
.
I wish the best for everysingle person that I've explored
(01:47):
with, that I've been in arelationship with, that I am no
longer in a relationship with,with deep gratitude for what I
was provided the opportunity tolearn, and that took a long time
, and being present with thatpain is necessary.
You must honor every feelingthat comes up and every
experience that comes upthroughout that process.
(02:09):
There's this misconception that, well, it just, it hurts less
and less or you're not, youdon't have to experience that
much pain or these kinds ofthoughts.
But that's actually quite theopposite.
What I have found living withmy heart open and inviting
people in and being able to lovesomeone immediately because I
(02:30):
love myself is that I get hurt,but I'm open to that.
What I have been able to do isto grow as a container, which
means that I'm able toemotionally experience a broader
range of sensations, and whatused to break my heart when I
was 20, 25, 30 years old doesn'thave the ability to crush me
(02:57):
like it used to.
The pain is still intense andit is to be experienced, but I
am able to, as the container,hold that more effectively,
examine it more closely, honorwhat I'm being taught in that
process, get curious about whatI need to be doing in my life as
(03:19):
I move forward.
That's really, really one ofthe biggest lessons that I've
learned.
Like last night, a great exampleright, I was at karaoke last
night and my ex and I listenedto Weezer a lot.
I love Weezer, they're a funtime.
They're a fun time.
So I was looking through thekaraoke stuff and I was like man
, I want to sing some Weezer.
(03:40):
So I pulled up Weezer and I waslooking through their list of
songs and I just felt my heartjust wrenched and I was like, oh
, so I closed my phone and as Iwas sitting with that pain, I
was like you know what?
No, that's beautiful.
I had such awesome times withthis person.
In those moments I'm going tojust I'm going to take that.
I can still look at the wholething.
(04:00):
As for what it was, it was nothealthy for either one of us,
but that was something that weshared and in those little
slices it was, it was fun, right, yeah?
And so I went back, picked asong, belted my heart out, loved
every second of it.
And now, you know, I faced thatbecame a bigger container and
now Weezer can be a part of myplaylist again, and I'm not
(04:21):
afraid of what is the experiencegoing to be when I go into that
and I think that's a bigtestament of like the fact that
you've probably done a lot ofwork to get there like that.
Asher Vast (04:32):
You've worked for that and that's not something
that a lot of people would havebeen able to do.
You know, sing a karaoke of asong that they were, you know,
loved to sing with their partner.
That in my earlier years thatwould have been impossible for
me to do.
And into this day.
It's still a challenge to doand I don't do karaoke.
But I get where you're comingfrom in that, like sharing that
(04:54):
you know that experience againand participating in that being
a part of that memory, and thatit is more than just what you
shared with that person.
You know it's something thatwas an important part of your
life and it doesn't necessarilyalways have to come back to them
.
You know you were both there,you both had a lot of joy and
(05:14):
that's something that can behonored without having to tie in
with.
You know the trauma of them notbeing in your life anymore.
Andrew Carroll (05:22):
Absolutely, or even the trauma of them being in
my life, right yeah.
Asher Vast (05:26):
Right yeah.
Andrew Carroll (05:27):
It's full size of the coin and I can only be
100% responsible for how Andrewshows up.
Right, I can't be heldresponsible for how somebody
else shows up in relationship.
But again, like I don't holdany ill will towards anyone
anymore Let me dial that back.
There's probably some areasthat I could do some deeper
dives and pick up some things.
(05:47):
Like we were talking aboutreligion just a minute ago when
we were on a break and there'sstill some stuff that is
challenging around that for me,because that was a root program
that ran in my life as a kid.
That takes deep work to digthrough that stuff.
So I can't say that I don'thave any ill will towards
certain things or this or thatanymore.
But there are many relationshipsthat used to really crush me,
(06:10):
even going back and looking atthem that now I'm just like I
chose that.
I chose to allow someone tomanipulate me.
I chose to allow someone to beunfaithful and continue to be in
relationship with me.
I chose all of that.
I needed to choose it so that Icould evolve and feel that pain
.
I reap what I sow.
I had cheated on so many peopleand then when it finally
(06:33):
happened to me, I was like holyfuck, this is what I've been
doing to people.
I needed that.
I'm grateful for it, right?
Asher Vast (06:40):
Sometimes we don't know how we hurt other people
until we're hurt ourselves.
Andrew Carroll (06:44):
Yeah, and that's exactly what it was.
Man and this person was put inmy life to reflect back to me
exactly what I had been doing toother people I knew.
When it happened, I felt anenergetic dagger go through my
heart in the middle of the night.
It woke me up, dude.
I tried to have someconversations with it, with this
partner, and just got lied toand belittled until I was
(07:05):
insecure and paranoid and allthese things right.
Then, finally, they admitted itsix months later.
It was exactly what I needed.
It was just enough.
I hope that she's able to be ona super healing journey, just
like I am right now, like I wantthe world for her, for her
happiness and her health andwell-being, you know, and maybe
that's what she needed in herjourney was to a new start.
(07:27):
I hope so, you know, because itwas very clear that the work
could not be done with me in thepicture.
Asher Vast (07:32):
Yeah, you know that's a hard realization, oh
bro.
Andrew Carroll (07:36):
I love this exploration with people.
Even right now, I'm feeling itagain, and it's beautiful and it
also sucks, right?
I want to be clear foreverybody too, like it can be
beautiful and it can suck at thesame time.
It's not all like we're overhere like it's so good.
It's so good.
Listen, guys, it's gonna sucksometimes, but you've got to be
grateful for that too.
So I just We've all had an end.
(07:57):
To remember that like yearsback.
Asher Vast (08:00):
You're gonna look on this and you're going to either
, you know, remember what greatopportunity that was, or you're
going to, you know, fight thechange and fight the progress
and try to like victim blame.
You know, oh she, you know, wasthis or wasn't that?
and she did this and but reallyI mean, you know you're each
(08:22):
your own, like you're saying,you're each your own container.
So, like you, you have optionsand you have responsibilities.
To be true to yourself.
To be true to yourself first,and then that way you're able to
be, you know, true to others aswell.
Andrew Carroll (08:36):
Yeah, absolutely .
How have you experienced thatsort of expansion of your
personal container, asher?
What does that look like foryou?
Do you see anything specificthat shows up in, maybe, the
relationship that you'recurrently in with a friend or in
business, or with your partnerthat really highlights your
improved ability to show up?
Asher Vast (08:56):
powerfully?
That's a great question.
You know, that's something thatI feel like I've been
discovering, like a lot in, youknow, the last you know five or
10 years, with my relationshipswith my friends and my family, I
feel like my, my group offriends has gotten smaller, even
though the people that I've metand know has grown bigger.
(09:17):
Yeah, so, like, I know a lot ofpeople and I have a lot of
friends like, who are youracquaintances?
Like hundreds of people who youknow, know me by name and know
who I am and what I do, and youknow we're friends, but like
they're not.
You know they're not my tribe.
You know, like even, andthey're great, like these are
great people I'm talking about.
Most of them are individuals whoare doing great things in their
(09:41):
own right, you know, but youknow we're not.
They're not in my inner circle,yeah, and that's okay.
You know that's okay.
Not everybody's going to beyour best friend.
You know, like, not everybody'sgoing to be in your tribe and
that's, that's all right,because I feel like that circle
should be reserved for peoplewho are on the same path as you,
or at least on the samefrequency, in that you know you
(10:03):
have similar objectives andyou're able to, you know, work
together and support each otherin your own trials and
tribulations in life and comeout better at the end.
Andrew Carroll (10:15):
I love what you just said about not everyone's
going to be your best friend.
That's so deeply important tome.
I grew up in a place where Ididn't fit in and I didn't have
options A town of 300 people.
Asher Vast (10:27):
That's really small.
Andrew Carroll (10:28):
Yeah, so small, right, and so trying to build
relationships with people whodidn't want to be in
relationship with me.
Just recently I read thislittle blurb that somebody said
people aren't needy.
Imagine you're walking throughthe desert and you didn't have
any water, you didn't have anyfood, and then you show up at
someone's doorstep and therethey see you and you're
dehydrated and you're sick andyou've sun exposure, all these
(10:51):
things, and they finally giveyou some food and some water and
you're just ravenously eatingit.
Well, walking this world alonein a sense, or in unhealthy
relationship or any of thosekinds of things, is the same
emotional equivalent to thesingular human body experience
of being lost and alone in thedesert.
(11:11):
I haven't had emotional water, Ihadn't had emotional food, I
hadn't had spiritual connection,and so when someone would
finally offer it to me, I wasdehydrated and I was starving
and I needed some love, right,and I would invite other people
to get really curious about howthat's showing up in their lives
, because we find ourselves notonly, like we've talked about,
(11:35):
repeating patterns, butaccepting relationship from
others.
That is less than we should.
That is unhealthy, because wehave been without that
connection and what you'repointing out, if I'm lost in the
desert and I don't have anywater, the kind of water I'm
going to be willing to drink issignificantly different than the
kind of water I'm willing todrink when I'm hydrated.
Yeah is the same with friendsand even family and romantic
(12:01):
partners.
So the way you highlight thatis beautifully said it's just
like the work and theconsistency and the
investigation that truly bringsit all together.
Asher Vast (12:14):
Yeah, it's really a wonderful thing to ponder when
you can take a high-level viewand kind of look down on where
you came from and where you are.
I know that that's not, that'ssuper subjective for a lot of
people, but if you've beenthrough trauma, if you've been
through really bad situationswhere you felt like there was
(12:38):
just nothing left to live foranymore, and then you get over
that and you're able to lookback and realize that that
distress and that feeling ofhopelessness you had was
transitory.
It was a part of the, you know,the whole experience of
transcending into a betterversion of yourself, because you
(13:01):
made it through and yousurvived and if you did the work
, you're gonna thrive.
Andrew Carroll (13:08):
If you did the work, you're gonna thrive.
That's it, man.
That's everything.
Perfect point to bring upspiritual bypassing.
It's been it's been coming upfor me in and out as we've been
weaving this conversationtogether and examining some
things, and I want to touch onit again.
There's an episode on thepodcast already about spiritual
bypassing.
(13:28):
If you haven't listened to thatyet, really invite you to do so
.
It's a deeper dive than whatwe'll do here.
When you were speaking ofmeditation.
You're talking about, you know,clearing the space, creating
the space for you to sit withyourself, to be present with
what comes up, to honor thosethings.
When you're just getting intomeditation or spirituality,
(13:50):
mindfulness practices and thosekinds of things, there can be
this common misconception that Iguess has kind of been labeled
as toxic positivity.
Are you familiar with that?
Have you heard of that?
Have you heard that?
Asher Vast (14:01):
I have heard that it's um, and I guess I don't
quite understand the basis there.
Andrew Carroll (14:07):
In our conversations.
I think I can't speak for you,but I get the feeling that you
also view kind of the spectrumof potential experiences right.
I do try to approach things ina non-dualistic view.
It's not good or bad, it justis.
And so the idea of toxicpositivity, my understanding of
it and in my experience is thatlet's just for example you,
(14:29):
let's say you get hit by a carthat sucks, and if you're just
sitting there trying to spin,that is that like, oh, this is
me getting smashed by this car.
It's such a huge blessing theremight be some good that comes
out of that, but you'redishonoring the experience and
the sensation and the feelingthat it sucks to get hit by a
car.
I'm inviting everyone to reallyconsider that if you are
ignoring and not honoring thewide, vibrant rainbow of
(14:55):
sensations that are available tous in every situation, you're
planting seeds for what could becalled the negative outcomes.
And I know I'm now I'm labelingsomething as negative after I
just said being non-dualistic inyour approach to things.
But it's an opportunity forshadow to act out.
And when shadow is acting outand in control, like you
mentioned, when is the time forme to take the wheel?
(15:16):
When is the time for me tosurrender If you're not Honoring
your shadow just as much asyou're honoring your light?
You're creating space for thereto be significant issues, right
?
Significant issues, right.
Asher Vast (15:27):
It's not always all good, exactly when we refer to
things as good or bad, orpleasant or unpleasant.
That's a very circumstantialtype of event that you know is
going to be very Subjective tothe person who's viewing it in
the environment that they're inand the people around them.
So I think I've witnessed someof what you're referring to with
(15:47):
talks of positivity, especiallyin in in the community, where
people who are more Focused ongrowth you, I think I've seen it
where it's just like, oh, it'sall good.
You know, everything's just,it's all positive, everything's
you know vibrant in the world,it's just such a great place and
everything's you know soAmazing.
And that's true in a sense.
(16:10):
You know that, like that,everything is wonderful if you,
you know, look at the rightangle and you know if you're
viewing it through the rightlens.
But you know there's a lot oflike awful, horrible shit in
life too that like we are betteroff without.
You know, and some of that isToxic people, you know, and some
(16:31):
of it is, you know, unhealthyrelationships with technology
and Social media and those typesof things.
And we can I think we can all dobetter to like find a place to,
to you know, exist even in inthe moments of meditation or
otherwise, without those thoseelements in our life.
(16:55):
And this comes from, comes fromsomebody who uses social media
all the time for for businessand staying in touch with my
friends.
But also I acknowledge thatit's become an unhealthy, an
unhealthy element if I don'tkeep it in check, you know, like
if I don't Be aware of the factthat I'm doom scrolling, you
(17:15):
know, and that I'm so glad thatsomebody put a name on that.
Yeah, because it makes it moreevident and more easy to realize
, when you're doing it, thatyou're basically doing the same
thing that boomers did back inthe day, when they flip on the
TV and they're, like you know,flipping, looking for something
to watch, and Do you justidentified the original doom
(17:38):
scrolling.
Andrew Carroll (17:38):
I had never thought about that.
That's how I look about.
Asher Vast (17:41):
That's so accurate though, but the process of
checking out in your environmentand checking out in your life,
to be an observer and beentertained.
And now there's another levelto it and it's the engagement
level, where it's not just thatpeople want to be entertained
but they also want to bevalidated.
And so people I feel, like somepeople who used to watch a lot
(18:03):
of TV and it used to be couchpotatoes, whatever, they would
have their thing where they getoff of work and they go home and
and watch TV that that theyfound some Validation from the
shows that they watched or thedifferent personalities that
they would follow, and it's anevolution of that nowadays, in
my opinion, on social media.
But there's the additionalelement of the interaction from
(18:25):
when you post something andsomebody else gives you
validation, that is fulfilling aneed in people's lives that I
feel like could be filledsomewhere else and should be
filled somewhere else.
So it's like we all, like youknow, when we share something
with the world and we think it'sawesome and then it gets a lot
(18:47):
of likes, you know we all youcan't not like that.
There's literally nobody postingwho looks back on their posts
and sees the Interactions anddoesn't get a dopamine boost
from that, you know.
So we all get that.
I think it's important tounderstand that there's a line
between what is healthy for youto receive that, that validation
(19:09):
and how much of that validationis healthy versus how much of
it you could be gettingsomewhere else.
So if you're getting thatvalidation online from those
interactions and you're gettinga lot of it you need to Be aware
of the fact that that some ofthat needs to come offline.
So that needs to come fromphysical, like interactions with
(19:31):
people, conversations that youhave, like the ones that we're
having right now, and that'simperative for Becoming a you
know, a well-rounded human.
Yeah,
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