Episode Transcript
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Johnna (00:00):
All right, guys,
welcome back to another episode
of the Babbles Nonsense podcast,where I am flying solo today
and we're diving into somethingthat's probably going to sting a
little bit, but in the best waypossible.
So we're going to talk aboutaccountability, and not the kind
that shames you, not the kindthat sends you into a spiral of
(00:20):
regret, but the kind that setsyou free, the kind that lets you
finally stop repeating the samerelationship cycles.
The kind that sets you free,the kind that lets you finally
stop repeating the samerelationship cycles.
The kind that says okay, maybeit wasn't all them, maybe I
played a role in this, and maybethat role came from the wounds
that I haven't fully healed fromyet, and maybe we're going to
talk about how it can kind ofshine a mirror onto us.
(00:41):
So let's get into it.
(01:08):
So, for me, I'm someone that youknow used to think that
accountability meant that I hadto take all the blame, and I was
very guilty of that, still ampretty guilty of that, and
that's and I'm and I'm talkingabout any relationship, whether
that be with your family, dating, romantic, platonic friendships
, whatever the relationship maybe, it doesn't have to be a
(01:29):
romantic one I was very guiltyof taking all the blame, like if
somebody got upset, if you know, if I was automatically like,
what did I do?
And it was never.
Like maybe I didn't dosomething, and that's something
I'm having to work on.
So that's why I wanted to dothis episode was because I felt
like I do take a lot ofaccountability and I have been
(01:54):
in partnerships or relationshipsor even friendships where I am
blamed the entire time and then,like, looking back, going
through therapy and stuff likethat, I realized that I wasn't
the only one to blame, likethere was two parties here.
And you know, I know, the oldsaying goes there's always three
sides of the story.
There's your side, my side andthe truth.
Right, but but anyways, we allknow that.
(02:15):
Saying so, let's get back to theaccountability portion of it.
So for me, true accountabilityis saying you know, I see what I
allowed, I see what I ignored,I see how I abandoned myself to
keep someone else comfortable.
It's not saying they wereperfect and I ruined it.
Because, let's be honest, ifyou're listening to this, you've
(02:36):
probably been with someone whois emotionally unavailable,
inconsistent, selfish or evenstraight up hurtful to you.
Maybe they were physically orverbally abusive, and no one
deserves that ever.
There's no excuse for it,because, also, I think as human
beings we have to start learninghow to talk to other people and
communicate.
And I understand that there istrauma, that everyone is working
(02:58):
around, but at the end of theday, we have to decide what we
allow, because that does teachsomeone how to treat us and I'm
bad about it.
It's so crazy because Imentioned this multiple times on
the podcast that in my worklife I am so confident and I,
you know, don't really allowthat type of behavior and I put
(03:20):
a stop to it and I have a lot ofboundaries in my professional
life.
But in my personal life I don't, like I, for whatever reason,
will let certain people walk allover me and I haven't figured
out truly why certain people andthen not others.
But I think there's probablysome kind of trauma bond there
from something I haven't workedthrough in my childhood,
(03:42):
something else to talk about intherapy.
But this podcast is also verytherapeutic because it helps me
just talk out things and thenI'm like, oh, wow, okay, I see
something.
But going back to theaccountability, accountability
like is saying like when you dostay too long or maybe you
(04:04):
followed and chased potential insomeone or you stayed in a
unhealthy, toxic relationship.
Accountability is saying Istayed and I hoped, I kept
trying to prove I was worthstaying for I thought if I lived
harder it would fix it, likeowning why you stayed and not
(04:26):
blaming yourself, knowing thatyou did everything, not blaming
yourself, knowing that you dideverything you could in the
moment that you had and thetools that you had at that time.
And I think that we have tolook at patterns that we like do
in relationships.
I think that many of us havemany patterns like falling for
potential I talked about thatjust a minute ago confusing
(04:47):
emotional chaos with passion,mistaking inconsistency for
mystery, mystery and thenchasing unavailable people
because we secretly believewe're the ones who aren't enough
.
And I learned that, like I know, when I worked with me and you
a lot like I would be.
Like I think the reason why Ichase emotionally unavailable
men is because I I'm probablyemotionally unavailable myself
(05:09):
and it's something that I haveto get real with myself and be
like what do you want when itcomes to dating?
And it's crazy because I trulythink I don't know.
Like sometimes I'm like I reallywant a relationship and I want
to be in a committedrelationship.
And then sometimes I'm likethat kind of scares me.
I've been alone for a reallylong time and I've lived by
myself for gosh 18 years now andI don't know like bringing
(05:33):
someone into that does liketerrify me.
And then it's like I don't wantchildren.
Not that I don't like children,I love children I just
personally don't want themmyself.
And then at the age that I am,like I'm two years away from 40.
So the age bracket that I'mdating with it's like they're
going to have children andthat's fine.
I just personally didn't wantto have like physically have
children.
Maybe I'll do a whole podcaston why one day and so like
(05:57):
learning someone else's routineor their children and stuff like
that, like as, as you get older, that does terrify me a little
bit, but I know I can do it.
I just have to do more work onmyself.
Anyways, going back to thepatterns that, like we, some of
us have and I feel like thechasing potential or falling for
potential, and then especiallythe confusing that emotional
(06:20):
chaos with passion is definitelytwo that I've seen in a lot of
people when I've talked to themor that has resonated with
people listening to this podcast.
I know that for a long timebecause my childhood was so
chaotic that that's what Ithought love was.
So that's what I chased a lot.
I was like, oh, this isfamiliar, it's a familiar
pattern Because if something wasstable, it was boring and I
(06:43):
didn't want it and I didn'tthink that that was a normal
thing because I didn't grow upwith an emotional, secure
parents or any kind of likeparental figure where that was
like a stable environment.
But as I've gotten older andI've reconnected with some older
family members and seedifferent families that you know
(07:04):
throughout my college careerand whatnot, that is normal and
it's hard.
It's hard to understand it.
But we keep going through thesecycles because we haven't sat
down and really asked like whatam I trying to fix in them that
I haven't healed in me?
And I think that that's a hugestatement.
Like whenever and this has beensomething a therapist told me
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one time is like wheneversomething is really bothering
you that someone else is doing.
Typically they're mirroringeither something that you have
healed and worked on and thatused to be you, or something
that you're currently goingthrough yourself, that you
either don't want to admit thatyou also do it or you know you
do it and you know you need tofix it.
So it's always like a mirrorheld up to you.
(07:49):
And I know I have a friend thatyou know we get in fights all
the time and she won't care thatif I say this to her.
You know, I'm not obviously notgoing to share her name, but
she tends to stay in thepessimistic, negative mind frame
a lot and I used to do that allthe time.
I used to think, I used to belike I'm not pessimistic, I'm a
(08:10):
realist.
So yeah, and we kind of, whenwe became friends, we kind of
bonded because that's how I wasand that's how she is.
Well, she's still there andever since I've done like the
energy healing and the lifecoaching with me and you, I've
grown so much.
I realized that a lot of thingsare what we put into the
universe.
We're going to get back, andhow we truly think about things
(08:32):
is really what you're puttingout there and it's going to keep
coming back to you and I'velearned that and so so my
personality has shifted a littlebit.
Now don't get me wrong.
I can still have those momentswhere I can get down and be
pessimistic, but majority of thetime I try to not be, or I try
to be like okay, well, thishappened.
Yes, it sucked, but what is thepositives that could come out
(08:52):
of it?
What's the things that we couldlearn from it?
And she's still not there yet.
So we will bump heads a lot allthe time and it infuriates me
and I think it's because I oncewas like that and it's holding a
mirror up to me, me and I waslike gosh, is this what I was
like?
And so it's showing me how myother friends felt about it when
they used to be like gosh,shauna, you know, like let's be
(09:13):
a little bit more positive.
So a lot of times it is just amirror, you know, being held up
to us and that's.
That's kind of hard to admit.
But when we start to recognizeit not the shame, like don't,
don't put shame on yourself, butwith compassion and I think
that's where the growth lives Ithink that we can all like it's
almost like that aha momentwhere you're like this is it?
(09:36):
You know what I'm saying.
And then we also have to likelearn to love ourselves more,
and I say that because I amreally bad about like putting
other people first, or like andI'm not saying that that's a bad
thing Like, obviously there'sreasons and times for it, but I
think that sometimes Iconsistently do it in a
relationship and I keep giving,and giving, and giving, and they
(09:58):
may not even be giving anythingback, but I'm still giving and
I need to recognize that.
Hey, like, this is definitely amismatch in energy here.
But also, when we do that, Ithink it's because we're not.
Maybe we don't have theconfidence that we want, or
maybe we don't love ourselves,so we're trying to get them to
validate us in a way, and thetruth is is we don't have to do
(10:21):
that anymore.
Okay, so here's the shift Iwant to hear today Taking
accountability shouldn't makeyou love yourself less.
It should make you love yourselfmore because you're doing hard
work and because when yourealize the ways that you've
hurt yourself just to feel lovedby someone else, you start to
realize you are always worthmore.
(10:41):
I know I have.
I know that, yes, it may takeme 20 to 40 times in the same
situation, ship or relationshipto realize I was chasing
potential or I was, you know,confusing that emotional chaos
with love, and then it all like.
The third thing was that I wastrying to get validation from
(11:04):
this person, because I don'tknow if y'all listen to the
episode.
I don't know if y'all havelistened to the episode that
I've had.
I've mentioned it a Talkingabout my childhood.
I mentioned it recently withChris Medina when we did our
astrology podcast that you know,the last thing I said to my dad
when I was 10 years old is thatI hated him and I have lived
(11:27):
with that.
And so a lot of times I don'tlike like relationships or
conversations or anything endingbadly, because I'm you just
never know what's going tohappen in life and that's just
something like I'm going gonnahave to work through, because
sometimes things just do have toend badly.
And I think that what I'velearned from that is that I
don't have to be mean andhurtful but like still being
(11:48):
able to get my point across.
It's okay to do like it's okayto say how you're feeling and
you, you just don't have todeliver it in a mean or rude way
, and that's something I'mworking through.
And then I've also mentioned,like when I like a lot of
childhood trauma that I had,like I was just teased a lot by
my own family, like my sistersand my brothers, like they would
(12:08):
either make fun of the way Ilooked or something like that.
So I did grow up like with verylow self esteem and low, you
know, self-confidence, and thatover the probably the past two
to three years has definitelygrown.
And I think the more that hasgrown, the more I have loved
myself, more and stood up formyself more Um, anyways, getting
(12:33):
off on a tangent Um, but goingback to learning to love
yourself more.
I think that when we realizethe ways that we've hurt our own
selves just to feel loved bysomeone else, we start to
realize that we are always worthmore than that situation and I
think it sometimes just takeshard things in our lives and I
(12:54):
mean, that's just what life isabout is ups and downs, but just
knowing that, if you've beenthere like you aren't dumb, you
aren't naive, you were justtrying to meet a need in the
only way that you know how atthe moment, like I said and me
and you have said this too onour on podcast episode is that
sometimes we do the best that wecan with the toolbox that we
have at the moment.
(13:14):
But the biggest thing is was.
Once you've learned and you'reaware, then what you're not
choosing.
Yeah, what?
No, sorry, what you're notchanging.
You're choosing, but it's also,with that said, like it's not
that you're going to changeovernight.
Like if you've had a pattern,so I'll.
I'm 37.
So I've had a pattern for 37years.
(13:36):
And to unlearn that or to learnto grow out of it Number one
you have to be aware of it.
Number two you have to seekprofessional help.
Trying to do it on your ownwhen you're the one who has this
pattern is almost nearimpossible, because how do you
fix a pattern that that is yourpattern?
You can't you either need atherapist, a life coach.
(13:56):
You know someone whospecializes in the mental health
field that can help you andlearning those new ways.
That's powerful, that'sself-respect and that is growth.
You know we don't have to fixthis all overnight.
Like I said, like if you'vedealt with something for several
years in a row, it's going totake time and I don't know about
(14:16):
y'all, but like I'm a type, apersonality, so I want to fix
that first time and like Ialways feel like I took two
steps forward and then maybe onestep back, but I'm still one
step ahead and I don't realizethat sometimes because I focus
on well, I took a step back.
You know what I'm saying andyou don't have to become that
hyper independent.
I don't need anybody version ofyourself.
(14:37):
I know a lot of women recentlyor not recently, but in the past
few years.
That's what we do, like MissIndependent, and sometimes, you
know, that's a huge turnoff formen, I feel like, because we are
supposed to be more in ourfeminine energy and you know
that would bring out a masculineenergy in a male.
But also guys, I get it there'sa lot of feminine energy men
these days that don't want to bedoing the masculine stuff and
(15:00):
you're like fine, I can just doit and I get it.
And sometimes we're just like Idon't need anybody.
But the more you give thatenergy off, then people aren't
going to approach you.
And I was that way for a reallylong time Because I again came
from childhood trauma.
I had to learn to do everythingmyself.
At such a young age I was veryself sufficient.
Then I, you know, got a job,went to college, got a better
(15:26):
job and started making moremoney, and then the longer I did
it by myself, the longer.
That's when I got set in this Idon't need anybody, but now
it's like more so, thatemotional connection.
I think that we all do needemotional connection and as good
as AI is, trust me, like asgood as it is, it's never going
to replace like a human being,you know.
I think that we just have to bemore honest, especially with
(15:46):
ourselves, and ask ourselveslike what did I ignore, what did
I accept that made me feelsmall?
What am I still grieving?
What can I do differently nexttime?
And then we have to forgiveourselves, and true forgiveness
means forgive yourself and allowyourself to grow, and you're
(16:06):
going to have to do that overand over and over again as long
as you need to.
Maybe it's something you askyourself every day.
Maybe you start journaling onit, because the truth is is
you're not behind, you'rebecoming and you're growing and
you're learning.
Just as I am.
Like I'm not an expert in anyway in dating, in relationships
and friendships, but the onething that I'll say that I love
(16:28):
about myself and the one thingthat I will always I'm very self
like, introspective, like I cantruly look at a situation from
a 360 view that's where I getmyself in trouble a lot, because
I'll be like, well, it was allmy fault and that's where I have
to try it.
When I'm looking at it from a360 view, I have to look at the
(16:50):
other person's behavior too andrealize like, hey, these are
patterns in them that they'rethey're not, you know, changing.
And as much as we want tochange someone, the truth is,
guys, is we can't we can'tchange anyone.
We can barely change ourselves.
So we just have to realize thatwe can't always change someone
and they have to want to do thework.
(17:13):
But maybe sometimes losing youor losing something that they
really loved is, unfortunately,the catalyst that will get the
change happening.
But anyways, I'll end it there.
So, if no one's told you today,you are allowed to be both a
work in progress and worthy oflove.
Right now, you're allowed tochange the story.
(17:34):
You're allowed to say I deservebetter and actually believe in
it.
And, yeah, that's where I'mgoing to end it.
So thank you for spending timewith me, guys.
If this episode hits somethingtender for you, no, you're not
alone.
And hey, go be a little softerwith yourself.
Today, you're doing better thanyou think.
Until next time, guys.
As always, bye, bye you.