June 10, 2025 • 20 mins
#176: Ever noticed how "be vulnerable" has become the go-to advice for everything from dating to leadership? But what if vulnerability isn't always the answer?
The truth about vulnerability is far more nuanced than inspirational quotes suggest. While opening up can create deeper connections and build self-respect, vulnerability with the wrong people at the wrong time can leave us wounded, manipulated, and heartbroken. In this raw exploration, I dive into both sides of this emotional coin—examining how vulnerability serves us and when it harms us.
Drawing from personal experiences (including my tendency to overshare in dating situations), I explore what happens when vulnerability becomes a one-sided endeavor. Do you find yourself always being the one to reach out, open up, and share your feelings while others give emotional crumbs in return? That's not intimacy—it's a power imbalance.
We'll also tackle the uncomfortable truth that sometimes people who haven't earned our trust don't deserve access to our hearts. Vulnerability without boundaries is just emotional exposure, and discerning who gets to see your authentic self is an act of self-protection, not walls.
The key isn't to never be vulnerable but to be wise about when and with whom we share our true selves. True vulnerability filters your life, bringing the right people closer while revealing who isn't capable of meeting you where you need to be met.
Whether you're recovering from heartbreak, navigating difficult relationships, or simply trying to understand the line between openness and oversharing, this episode offers a fresh perspective on what healthy vulnerability actually looks like. Listen now and learn how to stop dimming your light just to make others more comfortable.
You can now send us a text to ask a question or review the show. We would love to hear from you!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Johnna (00:00):
What is up everyone?
Welcome back to another episodeof the Babbles Nonsense Podcast
.
I want to first start out bythanking everyone for supporting
last week's episode with thepeople pleasing.
I think it's safe to say thatmajority of us are people
pleasers or, you know, survivingpeople pleasing, so it seems
like everyone really enjoyedthat episode.
So, to piggyback off thatepisode a little bit, I want to
(00:23):
dive into vulnerability in thisepisode, kind of kind of from a
different take, because I knowI've done this on episodes in
the past.
So I tend to overshare and tendto be vulnerable maybe when I
shouldn't, which is odd becauseit's hard for me to like open up
to new people.
So I think it's just mostlylike I honestly it's probably
(00:44):
more in my dating life that Itend to overshare and be more
vulnerable when I probablyshould be a little bit more
reserved.
So I wanted to take it from adifferent perspective and talk
about it like how it's good forus to be vulnerable and how it
can also harm us as well.
And when I say harm, I don'tmean like truly harm, I just
meant like it can maybe eitherhave you end up leaving crying
(01:06):
or heartbroken or whatnot, whenwe choose to be vulnerable with
you know, maybe not the rightpeople.
So if you're interested in thistopic, then stay tuned.
All right, guys?
(01:43):
Well, like I said in the intro,today we are going to be
talking about vulnerability.
I'm just going to go ahead andsay just ignore.
Every time I mess up that wordbecause, for whatever reason,
I'm having difficulty with it.
But I also know that this wordgets tossed around a lot like
it's something oh, it's so cute,it's so empowering, like the
more vulnerable you are, thebetter.
(02:05):
But then you have the flip sideof it where people are taught
mostly men, I would say are toldnot to be vulnerable because
that makes you weak.
So I wanted to do like adifferent approach in this
episode.
I have talked aboutvulnerability in the past and
you know how we can try to bemore vulnerable, but I also
never had thought about beingvulnerable where it could maybe
(02:26):
harm you or become more negative.
You know, and I've neverthought about it from that
perspective, probably because Itend to be an overshare, which
sometimes makes you vulnerable,but without even wanting to be
or trying to be, I mean, you'rejust trying to, you know, get a
point across or have someonelisten to you or whatever.
But then I, you know, I waslooking this up because I wanted
, wanted to obviously a topicfor this week to follow the
(02:49):
people pleasing.
And then I just realized, whenI looked it up, there was like
here's some ways it can bepositive and then here's some
ways it can be negative.
So let's talk about where beingvulnerable helps and where it
absolutely does not.
And again, I'm not a therapist,nor my life coach.
I just get interested in thesetopics.
I just I don't know.
I just really kind of like howthe human brain works and I
(03:11):
always want to know why someoneis thinking what they're
thinking.
I typically ask a lot of whyquestions or become very
inquisitive, which can comeacross as rude to some, which,
if y'all are my friends, you'reprobably sitting there nodding
your head, yes, but honestly,from my perception, and what I'm
actually trying to do is justto understand how someone came
to that conclusion, how someonecame to that thought process,
(03:35):
and honestly, I don't think it'sa bad trait.
I used to hate it because I wasalways like why, why, why, why?
I need to understand.
I need to understand why can'tI be like everybody else and
just be like, okay, it is whatit is.
Well, that's not how my brainis wired.
And if you're like that, trustme, you know it's a blessing and
a curse, but let's get into it.
So why is vulnerable or how isvulnerable vulnerability here to
(03:58):
help you?
So we're going to talk aboutthe good stuff first and then
we'll talk about how it can harmyou later.
So, number one it deepens realconnections.
When you're vulnerable, liketruly honest about your fears,
your flaws, your feelings, yougive the right people permission
to meet you there, not thequote unquote I'm fine, I'm fine
, but the real, messy, humanversion of you I'm I used to be
(04:22):
well, I'm still bad about sayingI'm fine, like I feel like I'm
a strong, independent person andI feel like I've had to do a
lot of stuff, stuff on my own.
So when people truly ask me likehow are you doing?
Or, or maybe I went through abreakup, or, you know, stop
dating someone and someone'slike how are you doing?
And I'm just like, oh, I'm fine, you know, just try not to put
my problems on other people,because I know other people are
(04:44):
going through stuff too.
That brings me to another kindof thought.
Like I used to tell people like, oh, my story doesn't matter,
it's you know, there's peopleout there who have worse, but
actually our stories do matter.
And the reason why I say thatis because it does tell a person
, kind of how you got to thethought process that you got to.
And obviously I have things inmy head that I'm thinking about,
(05:05):
like certain conversations thatI've had with certain people
and we'll see how this podcastlays out and where I can kind of
intermingle personal stories.
But going back to like sayingI'm fine all the time or whatnot
, I think if we could honestlyor just open up and be honest
and just say or be vulnerableand say, yes, you know I'm
(05:26):
hurting right now, or no, I'mnot doing so good, and I think
it goes back to like that peoplepleasing mentality that we
talked about last week, like,and just like I just said a few
minutes ago, like sometimes wedon't want to burden others or
we don't want people to thinkthat we are going through
something difficult.
Our life is quote unquoteperfect, it's Instagram worthy,
and so we don't want people tothink, oh, she's going through
(05:48):
something too, but honestly, Ithink it makes us humans.
I think that's why one of thereasons why I started this
podcast is because I think thatwe all have these thoughts
surrounding our brains.
You know, not daily like mine,but you have these thoughts and
you're like I wonder if anyoneelse thinks this too, or am I
alone in this thought process?
I mean, obviously we have theinternet now and we could all
get on reddit or tiktok and findout.
(06:10):
But I'm just saying like that'sone of the reasons why I did
want to start um the podcast.
But going back to like thepeople you know, just not
telling the whole truth of howthey're feeling, and then if we
could just start telling peoplehow we're feeling, like slowly
and little, I think that helpsopen, open you up, to be more
(06:31):
vulnerable in those deeperconnections, like, obviously,
like if someone comes up to youand I don't know, let's say you
work at Walmart and you're acashier and your customer's like
how are you doing?
I don't, I don't think spillingyour guts to that person is the
moment to be vulnerable, butmaybe we could try a little bit
riskier things and just be likeoh, you know, it's been a tough
(06:52):
day, but I'm sure it'll getbetter, or you know anything,
just to kind of give you thosemoments of opening up, to be a
little bit more vulnerable sothat if a friend comes to you
and says, okay, how are youdoing?
You don't just say I'm fine,you can talk to your friend and
be vulnerable.
But number two being vulnerablecan build self-respect.
(07:15):
So there is something powerfulabout speaking your truth, even
when it's scary.
Vulnerability isn't always aboutconnection with others.
Sometimes it's about connectionwith yourself, about not
betraying your own feelings justto appear chill or unbothered
or what.
What's the other phrase.
It is what it is.
I'm just going with the flowBecause, let's be honest,
(07:37):
pretending you don't care whenyou do can become exhausting.
Now, don't get me wrong.
I think there are people outthere that truly don't care and
truly can go with the flow.
But for the people that can'tand you can't open up and be
vulnerable and show like that,like being like well, I just
can't do that, or explaining whyyou can't do that or why it
(07:57):
stresses you out.
For example, I have a friend,who is one of my best friends,
who is a chill, go with the flowperson, like she doesn't have
to have an itinerary, shedoesn't even need to know.
Like if we're going on a trip,she doesn't even need to know
when we're booking a flight.
I mean, she will.
I'm just, you know, saucingthis up for the podcast, but she
can do that.
(08:17):
But if I like, if we startgetting like four weeks before,
oh, we don't have a flight, wedon't have a hotel, this is
really, really bugging me.
We're just very different peopleand I think that understanding
personalities also helps when itcomes to being vulnerable, but
also builds that self-respectwithin your friendship as well.
There's also always a way tocommunicate, right Like I can't
go up to my friend and be likebitch, can you please figure
(08:42):
this out?
Like she's going to takeoffense to that because her
personality and her brain isn'twired that way.
So I can easily come up to herand just say, hey, girl, this is
really stressing me out.
Can we have a deadline?
Or can we compromise on whenthe flight should be booked?
You know something like that?
And vice versa, like justbecause my personality is the
more aggressive one usually andwhen I say aggressive I mean
(09:05):
like it's it's more because I'mso loud, I'm so vocal most of
the time it can be perceived asthe negative of the two, where I
do think people who are quieteror who don't speak up or, you
know, are chill and go with theflow.
I think that sometimes we haveto remember they're compromising
is both ways right.
But anyways, enough about that.
(09:27):
Number three, on howvulnerability can be positive it
exposes who's not for you, sothis one can sting a little bit,
but it also can be a gift.
So when you're vulnerable withsomeone and they shut down,
ghost or mock you, that isinformation and we have to
remember that it's painful or itcan be painful, but it also can
(09:50):
clarify, because a lot of youknow I'm learning no answer is
an answer, and that was reallyhard for me for a really long
time.
I think I mentioned this on apast podcast where I talked
about how being ignored is justreally hard for me because of my
childhood trauma, and so I'mhaving to work through that.
And the more I work throughthat, the more I realize, like
okay, if someone doesn't answeryou or doesn't answer you in the
(10:12):
way that you expected or wanted, that is an answer, you know.
So stop asking why talking tomyself to find a different
answer, because that's whatyou're trying to do is you're
just trying to find a differentanswer.
But anyways, vulnerability hasa way of revealing what's real
and what's performative and,even though it hurts, you just
(10:33):
saved yourself months or yearsof guessing when someone says no
, and that's something I had totell myself.
So those are the three of thepositives for vulnerability, and
then here are some of the waysI think it's three ways
vulnerability can hurt you.
So we're going to talk aboutthat side for now, because being
(10:54):
vulnerable is not always beingbrave or beautiful in that
moment that we want it to be.
So number one on howvulnerability can seem on the
more negative side or hurtfulside, is when the other person
hasn't earned it, and what thatmeans is like we have to realize
that not everyone deservesaccess to our hearts.
I'm really bad about that.
I know some people who meet me,like in my professional life,
(11:17):
think I am pretty closed off,but I really do have a huge
heart and I get hurt a lotbecause I tried to make myself
come across like I don't care,when I really care a lot.
Yeah, that's vulnerable, rightthere to say that, because
sometimes, like you, it's aself-defense mechanism, right.
And then sometimes we confuseoversharing with connection.
(11:40):
So you know I overshare a lotto a lot of people aka this
podcast, and sometimes you know,when I meet someone that's
willing to listen or willing tocommunicate back, sometimes I do
confuse that with having aconnection with them, because
it's hard to find those peoplewho will overshare back or
(12:01):
communicate back.
So just remember thatvulnerability without the
boundaries is just emotionalexposure.
So you're just kind of puttingyourself out there for people to
hurt you and I'm not sayingintentionally hurt you.
But, for example, like when Iwas dating and I tend to
overshare because I'm verynervous, I have social anxiety
and I just kind of talk a lot,especially on the first date,
(12:26):
and I'll like, if someone askedme a question, I'm like, oh yeah
, I'll tell you all about that,I'll tell you the truth.
And sometimes, if you're beingvulnerable with someone and
you're doing it because youthink, because they're a good
listener or whatever, and youthink that they care, sometimes
they may use that to harm youlater.
Sometimes they just want theplaybook to know how to hurt you
or to play you or to get awaywith it.
(12:46):
Why I still haven't figured out, but just remember that it that
is one way that it can harm you.
So if someone hasn't shown theconsistency or emotional
maturity or that they care aboutyou, probably not the best
place to overshare or drop thetruth.
Okay, me.
So basically, dating, thinkabout that.
(13:08):
In the dating world.
If you're out dating someonenew, sometimes it is good to
stay a little mysterious.
It's very hard for me.
I always say, like I can't besomeone I'm not and so maybe I'm
just gonna have to wait for theperson who accepts flaws and
all you know.
And number two for howvulnerability can sometimes harm
(13:28):
us is when it becomes a patternof self-abandonment.
Which raise the hand here solike, have you ever been in a
situation where you're alwaysthe one reaching out to someone,
opening up, saying, hey, can wetalk?
I really got something to say,because I'll tell you right now
that typically is me.
Um, so if you find yourselfbeing vulnerable over and over
(13:51):
again with someone who gives youcrumbs in return, that's not
intimacy nor vulnerability ontheir behalf.
That is a power imbalance and,like me and you is always
talking about, we have to keepour power, because when you give
it away, it does become veryunattractive, and that is
something I would say.
I've done a lot in my datinglife.
I, you know, gave them all thepower.
Oh, what if they don't like me?
Or what if they?
That is unattractive, becauseso what if they don't like what
(14:18):
I have to say?
They don't have to like what Ihave to say.
They don't have to agree withwhat I have to say, but what
they do have to do, if we're inthis partnership together, is be
willing to listen.
And if they're not willing tolisten or not willing to be
vulnerable back, then that'sreally not a partnership, that
is just a power imbalance.
So sometimes being quoteunquote vulnerable is just a
(14:39):
power imbalance.
So sometimes being quoteunquote vulnerable is just a way
we keep chasing validation fromsomeone who's not capable of
giving it.
So just remember that I reallyshould have probably had me knew
on this episode to go over it,because she would have a lot
more life coaching things to sayversus me.
I can just give you kind ofexamples.
But the third way that beingvulnerable can sometimes harm us
(15:03):
is when you use it to controlthe outcome.
So sometimes this is subtle butit can be very real.
Like, for example, we can thinkif I just say this vulnerable
thing, they'll see how much Icare, they'll change, they'll
listen or whatever else you wantto put in there and then when
the person doesn't change ordoesn't listen or doesn't care,
(15:26):
we are heartbroken, we're leftheartbroken, we're left in the
dust, because when you're notbeing authentically vulnerable
to express how you're feeling,that can then turn into a
manipulation tactic where you'rejust trying to be vulnerable to
convince someone to agree withyou.
I have seen that happen.
I've never done that.
Actually, like I, when I'mbeing vulnerable, I'm truly
(15:48):
being vulnerable to express howI'm feeling, and sometimes it
comes across way wrong because Ineed to sometimes learn to take
a step away and come back tothe situation when I can better
explain it or better articulateit.
But anyways, I think here's someof the truths that I've had to
come to realize in a lot ofsituations that have been going
on in my life lately is thatvulnerability can be a tool.
(16:11):
It's not a personality trait.
I don't think everyone'swalking around going.
I'm a vulnerable person, I'm,you know.
I think we all want that but itcan be a tool where, if you can
tap into that emotion and youcan open up and you can be
vulnerable, then I think thatdoes bring out like a more
sensitive side and a moreattractive side of you, because
if you can open that up, um itjust, you know I can.
(16:35):
I don't know how to explain it,but it just comes across more
authentic.
But we also have to know thatwe don't owe that to everyone,
something that I'm learningmyself.
But we have to start usingdiscernment on who gets our
vulnerable side, who we can beemotionally safe with, who we
know is going to empower us andwho we know is going to
(16:58):
encourage us to continue thatside.
And I think when you have twopeople that are willing to be
vulnerable whether it be new ornot, I think that does become a
power because you can learn eachother better and you can grow
better.
But when you have someone whois willing to be vulnerable and
someone who is willing to not bevulnerable, then that's where
the mishaps happen, themiscommunications happen,
because you have to also be like, for example, if some, if I'm
(17:22):
being vulnerable to someone andthey're they're not listening or
they're not hearing me andthey're not willing to be
vulnerable, back then aconversation usually shuts down.
And if they are willing to bevulnerable back, then I also
think as women and sorry, thisis one thing I am going to say
about women I think, as women,it's already hard enough for men
to be vulnerable because ofsociety and the way they were
(17:44):
raised and things like that.
I think it's getting better themore women are trying to teach
men their emotions.
But I think that if a man isand willing, after you know
harping on it for a long time,to be vulnerable back, I think
that's when women have to sitquiet and listen, and truly
listen to hear what they'resaying.
Otherwise it shuts it down.
(18:04):
If we immediately interrupt orwe immediately say no, no, no,
no, no, no, or we do any of that, that's discounting someone
else's feelings.
But also you have to have theemotional intelligence to know
if they are doing what like it.
Like we said earlier, if theyare, you know being vulnerable
to convince, or you knowmanipulate, or they're actually
truly being vulnerable and Ithink if you have the
(18:25):
discernment, you should be ableto tell that.
But I obviously I'm not atherapist, I can't tell you how
to tell that, but I think that'ssomething we as women need to
get better at.
We need to get better atlistening to men when they're
being vulnerable and not justautomatically shutting it down,
because when you shut it down,then forget it and then don't
get mad when they're notvulnerable again.
You know what I'm saying, butjust know that the whole caveat
(18:49):
to this podcast is vulnerabilitywith the right people will
deepen your connection andvulnerability with the wrong
people can deepen your woundsand you will remain heartbroken.
So the goal isn't to never notbe vulnerable.
The goal is to be wise aboutwhen and with who we are
vulnerable with.
So if you're struggling withbeing vulnerable, just know that
(19:10):
you're not alone.
It takes guts, it's not for thefaint of heart and I would say I
get real vulnerable with peoplevery easily and I probably
shouldn't, but then I also havea very hard time of letting
people in my circle.
So that's that's also needs togo into life coaching.
Sometimes when I do thesepodcasts, I'm like, okay, now I
know what I need to talk aboutin therapy next.
But I'll tell you thisvulnerability, done right, can
(19:35):
and will filter your life.
It will show you who's real, itwill bring you the right people
closer and it will help youstop dimming your light just to
make someone else feel morecomfortable.
And if someone can't handleyour honesty, your tenderness or
your truth, then that says moreabout them and not anything
about you or your worth, sothat's where I'll leave it.
(19:56):
Thanks for listening and, andas always guys, um until next
time.
Bye you.
What is up everyone?
Welcome back to another episodeof the Babbles Nonsense Podcast
.
I want to first start out bythanking everyone for supporting
last week's episode with thepeople pleasing.
I think it's safe to say thatmajority of us are people
pleasers or, you know, survivingpeople pleasing, so it seems
like everyone really enjoyedthat episode.
So, to piggyback off thatepisode a little bit, I want to
(00:23):
dive into vulnerability in thisepisode, kind of kind of from a
different take, because I knowI've done this on episodes in
the past.
So I tend to overshare and tendto be vulnerable maybe when I
shouldn't, which is odd becauseit's hard for me to like open up
to new people.
So I think it's just mostlylike I honestly it's probably
(00:44):
more in my dating life that Itend to overshare and be more
vulnerable when I probablyshould be a little bit more
reserved.
So I wanted to take it from adifferent perspective and talk
about it like how it's good forus to be vulnerable and how it
can also harm us as well.
And when I say harm, I don'tmean like truly harm, I just
meant like it can maybe eitherhave you end up leaving crying
(01:06):
or heartbroken or whatnot, whenwe choose to be vulnerable with
you know, maybe not the rightpeople.
So if you're interested in thistopic, then stay tuned.
All right, guys?
(01:43):
Well, like I said in the intro,today we are going to be
talking about vulnerability.
I'm just going to go ahead andsay just ignore.
Every time I mess up that wordbecause, for whatever reason,
I'm having difficulty with it.
But I also know that this wordgets tossed around a lot like
it's something oh, it's so cute,it's so empowering, like the
more vulnerable you are, thebetter.
(02:05):
But then you have the flip sideof it where people are taught
mostly men, I would say are toldnot to be vulnerable because
that makes you weak.
So I wanted to do like adifferent approach in this
episode.
I have talked aboutvulnerability in the past and
you know how we can try to bemore vulnerable, but I also
never had thought about beingvulnerable where it could maybe
(02:26):
harm you or become more negative.
You know, and I've neverthought about it from that
perspective, probably because Itend to be an overshare, which
sometimes makes you vulnerable,but without even wanting to be
or trying to be, I mean, you'rejust trying to, you know, get a
point across or have someonelisten to you or whatever.
But then I, you know, I waslooking this up because I wanted
, wanted to obviously a topicfor this week to follow the
(02:49):
people pleasing.
And then I just realized, whenI looked it up, there was like
here's some ways it can bepositive and then here's some
ways it can be negative.
So let's talk about where beingvulnerable helps and where it
absolutely does not.
And again, I'm not a therapist,nor my life coach.
I just get interested in thesetopics.
I just I don't know.
I just really kind of like howthe human brain works and I
(03:11):
always want to know why someoneis thinking what they're
thinking.
I typically ask a lot of whyquestions or become very
inquisitive, which can comeacross as rude to some, which,
if y'all are my friends, you'reprobably sitting there nodding
your head, yes, but honestly,from my perception, and what I'm
actually trying to do is justto understand how someone came
to that conclusion, how someonecame to that thought process,
(03:35):
and honestly, I don't think it'sa bad trait.
I used to hate it because I wasalways like why, why, why, why?
I need to understand.
I need to understand why can'tI be like everybody else and
just be like, okay, it is whatit is.
Well, that's not how my brainis wired.
And if you're like that, trustme, you know it's a blessing and
a curse, but let's get into it.
So why is vulnerable or how isvulnerable vulnerability here to
(03:58):
help you?
So we're going to talk aboutthe good stuff first and then
we'll talk about how it can harmyou later.
So, number one it deepens realconnections.
When you're vulnerable, liketruly honest about your fears,
your flaws, your feelings, yougive the right people permission
to meet you there, not thequote unquote I'm fine, I'm fine
, but the real, messy, humanversion of you I'm I used to be
(04:22):
well, I'm still bad about sayingI'm fine, like I feel like I'm
a strong, independent person andI feel like I've had to do a
lot of stuff, stuff on my own.
So when people truly ask me likehow are you doing?
Or, or maybe I went through abreakup, or, you know, stop
dating someone and someone'slike how are you doing?
And I'm just like, oh, I'm fine, you know, just try not to put
my problems on other people,because I know other people are
(04:44):
going through stuff too.
That brings me to another kindof thought.
Like I used to tell people like, oh, my story doesn't matter,
it's you know, there's peopleout there who have worse, but
actually our stories do matter.
And the reason why I say thatis because it does tell a person
, kind of how you got to thethought process that you got to.
And obviously I have things inmy head that I'm thinking about,
(05:05):
like certain conversations thatI've had with certain people
and we'll see how this podcastlays out and where I can kind of
intermingle personal stories.
But going back to like sayingI'm fine all the time or whatnot
, I think if we could honestlyor just open up and be honest
and just say or be vulnerableand say, yes, you know I'm
(05:26):
hurting right now, or no, I'mnot doing so good, and I think
it goes back to like that peoplepleasing mentality that we
talked about last week, like,and just like I just said a few
minutes ago, like sometimes wedon't want to burden others or
we don't want people to thinkthat we are going through
something difficult.
Our life is quote unquoteperfect, it's Instagram worthy,
and so we don't want people tothink, oh, she's going through
(05:48):
something too, but honestly, Ithink it makes us humans.
I think that's why one of thereasons why I started this
podcast is because I think thatwe all have these thoughts
surrounding our brains.
You know, not daily like mine,but you have these thoughts and
you're like I wonder if anyoneelse thinks this too, or am I
alone in this thought process?
I mean, obviously we have theinternet now and we could all
get on reddit or tiktok and findout.
(06:10):
But I'm just saying like that'sone of the reasons why I did
want to start um the podcast.
But going back to like thepeople you know, just not
telling the whole truth of howthey're feeling, and then if we
could just start telling peoplehow we're feeling, like slowly
and little, I think that helpsopen, open you up, to be more
(06:31):
vulnerable in those deeperconnections, like, obviously,
like if someone comes up to youand I don't know, let's say you
work at Walmart and you're acashier and your customer's like
how are you doing?
I don't, I don't think spillingyour guts to that person is the
moment to be vulnerable, butmaybe we could try a little bit
riskier things and just be likeoh, you know, it's been a tough
(06:52):
day, but I'm sure it'll getbetter, or you know anything,
just to kind of give you thosemoments of opening up, to be a
little bit more vulnerable sothat if a friend comes to you
and says, okay, how are youdoing?
You don't just say I'm fine,you can talk to your friend and
be vulnerable.
But number two being vulnerablecan build self-respect.
(07:15):
So there is something powerfulabout speaking your truth, even
when it's scary.
Vulnerability isn't always aboutconnection with others.
Sometimes it's about connectionwith yourself, about not
betraying your own feelings justto appear chill or unbothered
or what.
What's the other phrase.
It is what it is.
I'm just going with the flowBecause, let's be honest,
(07:37):
pretending you don't care whenyou do can become exhausting.
Now, don't get me wrong.
I think there are people outthere that truly don't care and
truly can go with the flow.
But for the people that can'tand you can't open up and be
vulnerable and show like that,like being like well, I just
can't do that, or explaining whyyou can't do that or why it
(07:57):
stresses you out.
For example, I have a friend,who is one of my best friends,
who is a chill, go with the flowperson, like she doesn't have
to have an itinerary, shedoesn't even need to know.
Like if we're going on a trip,she doesn't even need to know
when we're booking a flight.
I mean, she will.
I'm just, you know, saucingthis up for the podcast, but she
can do that.
(08:17):
But if I like, if we startgetting like four weeks before,
oh, we don't have a flight, wedon't have a hotel, this is
really, really bugging me.
We're just very different peopleand I think that understanding
personalities also helps when itcomes to being vulnerable, but
also builds that self-respectwithin your friendship as well.
There's also always a way tocommunicate, right Like I can't
go up to my friend and be likebitch, can you please figure
(08:42):
this out?
Like she's going to takeoffense to that because her
personality and her brain isn'twired that way.
So I can easily come up to herand just say, hey, girl, this is
really stressing me out.
Can we have a deadline?
Or can we compromise on whenthe flight should be booked?
You know something like that?
And vice versa, like justbecause my personality is the
more aggressive one usually andwhen I say aggressive I mean
(09:05):
like it's it's more because I'mso loud, I'm so vocal most of
the time it can be perceived asthe negative of the two, where I
do think people who are quieteror who don't speak up or, you
know, are chill and go with theflow.
I think that sometimes we haveto remember they're compromising
is both ways right.
But anyways, enough about that.
(09:27):
Number three, on howvulnerability can be positive it
exposes who's not for you, sothis one can sting a little bit,
but it also can be a gift.
So when you're vulnerable withsomeone and they shut down,
ghost or mock you, that isinformation and we have to
remember that it's painful or itcan be painful, but it also can
(09:50):
clarify, because a lot of youknow I'm learning no answer is
an answer, and that was reallyhard for me for a really long
time.
I think I mentioned this on apast podcast where I talked
about how being ignored is justreally hard for me because of my
childhood trauma, and so I'mhaving to work through that.
And the more I work throughthat, the more I realize, like
okay, if someone doesn't answeryou or doesn't answer you in the
(10:12):
way that you expected or wanted, that is an answer, you know.
So stop asking why talking tomyself to find a different
answer, because that's whatyou're trying to do is you're
just trying to find a differentanswer.
But anyways, vulnerability hasa way of revealing what's real
and what's performative and,even though it hurts, you just
(10:33):
saved yourself months or yearsof guessing when someone says no
, and that's something I had totell myself.
So those are the three of thepositives for vulnerability, and
then here are some of the waysI think it's three ways
vulnerability can hurt you.
So we're going to talk aboutthat side for now, because being
(10:54):
vulnerable is not always beingbrave or beautiful in that
moment that we want it to be.
So number one on howvulnerability can seem on the
more negative side or hurtfulside, is when the other person
hasn't earned it, and what thatmeans is like we have to realize
that not everyone deservesaccess to our hearts.
I'm really bad about that.
I know some people who meet me,like in my professional life,
(11:17):
think I am pretty closed off,but I really do have a huge
heart and I get hurt a lotbecause I tried to make myself
come across like I don't care,when I really care a lot.
Yeah, that's vulnerable, rightthere to say that, because
sometimes, like you, it's aself-defense mechanism, right.
And then sometimes we confuseoversharing with connection.
(11:40):
So you know I overshare a lotto a lot of people aka this
podcast, and sometimes you know,when I meet someone that's
willing to listen or willing tocommunicate back, sometimes I do
confuse that with having aconnection with them, because
it's hard to find those peoplewho will overshare back or
(12:01):
communicate back.
So just remember thatvulnerability without the
boundaries is just emotionalexposure.
So you're just kind of puttingyourself out there for people to
hurt you and I'm not sayingintentionally hurt you.
But, for example, like when Iwas dating and I tend to
overshare because I'm verynervous, I have social anxiety
and I just kind of talk a lot,especially on the first date,
(12:26):
and I'll like, if someone askedme a question, I'm like, oh yeah
, I'll tell you all about that,I'll tell you the truth.
And sometimes, if you're beingvulnerable with someone and
you're doing it because youthink, because they're a good
listener or whatever, and youthink that they care, sometimes
they may use that to harm youlater.
Sometimes they just want theplaybook to know how to hurt you
or to play you or to get awaywith it.
(12:46):
Why I still haven't figured out, but just remember that it that
is one way that it can harm you.
So if someone hasn't shown theconsistency or emotional
maturity or that they care aboutyou, probably not the best
place to overshare or drop thetruth.
Okay, me.
So basically, dating, thinkabout that.
(13:08):
In the dating world.
If you're out dating someonenew, sometimes it is good to
stay a little mysterious.
It's very hard for me.
I always say, like I can't besomeone I'm not and so maybe I'm
just gonna have to wait for theperson who accepts flaws and
all you know.
And number two for howvulnerability can sometimes harm
(13:28):
us is when it becomes a patternof self-abandonment.
Which raise the hand here solike, have you ever been in a
situation where you're alwaysthe one reaching out to someone,
opening up, saying, hey, can wetalk?
I really got something to say,because I'll tell you right now
that typically is me.
Um, so if you find yourselfbeing vulnerable over and over
(13:51):
again with someone who gives youcrumbs in return, that's not
intimacy nor vulnerability ontheir behalf.
That is a power imbalance and,like me and you is always
talking about, we have to keepour power, because when you give
it away, it does become veryunattractive, and that is
something I would say.
I've done a lot in my datinglife.
I, you know, gave them all thepower.
Oh, what if they don't like me?
Or what if they?
That is unattractive, becauseso what if they don't like what
(14:18):
I have to say?
They don't have to like what Ihave to say.
They don't have to agree withwhat I have to say, but what
they do have to do, if we're inthis partnership together, is be
willing to listen.
And if they're not willing tolisten or not willing to be
vulnerable back, then that'sreally not a partnership, that
is just a power imbalance.
So sometimes being quoteunquote vulnerable is just a
(14:39):
power imbalance.
So sometimes being quoteunquote vulnerable is just a way
we keep chasing validation fromsomeone who's not capable of
giving it.
So just remember that I reallyshould have probably had me knew
on this episode to go over it,because she would have a lot
more life coaching things to sayversus me.
I can just give you kind ofexamples.
But the third way that beingvulnerable can sometimes harm us
(15:03):
is when you use it to controlthe outcome.
So sometimes this is subtle butit can be very real.
Like, for example, we can thinkif I just say this vulnerable
thing, they'll see how much Icare, they'll change, they'll
listen or whatever else you wantto put in there and then when
the person doesn't change ordoesn't listen or doesn't care,
(15:26):
we are heartbroken, we're leftheartbroken, we're left in the
dust, because when you're notbeing authentically vulnerable
to express how you're feeling,that can then turn into a
manipulation tactic where you'rejust trying to be vulnerable to
convince someone to agree withyou.
I have seen that happen.
I've never done that.
Actually, like I, when I'mbeing vulnerable, I'm truly
(15:48):
being vulnerable to express howI'm feeling, and sometimes it
comes across way wrong because Ineed to sometimes learn to take
a step away and come back tothe situation when I can better
explain it or better articulateit.
But anyways, I think here's someof the truths that I've had to
come to realize in a lot ofsituations that have been going
on in my life lately is thatvulnerability can be a tool.
(16:11):
It's not a personality trait.
I don't think everyone'swalking around going.
I'm a vulnerable person, I'm,you know.
I think we all want that but itcan be a tool where, if you can
tap into that emotion and youcan open up and you can be
vulnerable, then I think thatdoes bring out like a more
sensitive side and a moreattractive side of you, because
if you can open that up, um itjust, you know I can.
(16:35):
I don't know how to explain it,but it just comes across more
authentic.
But we also have to know thatwe don't owe that to everyone,
something that I'm learningmyself.
But we have to start usingdiscernment on who gets our
vulnerable side, who we can beemotionally safe with, who we
know is going to empower us andwho we know is going to
(16:58):
encourage us to continue thatside.
And I think when you have twopeople that are willing to be
vulnerable whether it be new ornot, I think that does become a
power because you can learn eachother better and you can grow
better.
But when you have someone whois willing to be vulnerable and
someone who is willing to not bevulnerable, then that's where
the mishaps happen, themiscommunications happen,
because you have to also be like, for example, if some, if I'm
(17:22):
being vulnerable to someone andthey're they're not listening or
they're not hearing me andthey're not willing to be
vulnerable, back then aconversation usually shuts down.
And if they are willing to bevulnerable back, then I also
think as women and sorry, thisis one thing I am going to say
about women I think, as women,it's already hard enough for men
to be vulnerable because ofsociety and the way they were
(17:44):
raised and things like that.
I think it's getting better themore women are trying to teach
men their emotions.
But I think that if a man isand willing, after you know
harping on it for a long time,to be vulnerable back, I think
that's when women have to sitquiet and listen, and truly
listen to hear what they'resaying.
Otherwise it shuts it down.
(18:04):
If we immediately interrupt orwe immediately say no, no, no,
no, no, no, or we do any of that, that's discounting someone
else's feelings.
But also you have to have theemotional intelligence to know
if they are doing what like it.
Like we said earlier, if theyare, you know being vulnerable
to convince, or you knowmanipulate, or they're actually
truly being vulnerable and Ithink if you have the
(18:25):
discernment, you should be ableto tell that.
But I obviously I'm not atherapist, I can't tell you how
to tell that, but I think that'ssomething we as women need to
get better at.
We need to get better atlistening to men when they're
being vulnerable and not justautomatically shutting it down,
because when you shut it down,then forget it and then don't
get mad when they're notvulnerable again.
You know what I'm saying, butjust know that the whole caveat
(18:49):
to this podcast is vulnerabilitywith the right people will
deepen your connection andvulnerability with the wrong
people can deepen your woundsand you will remain heartbroken.
So the goal isn't to never notbe vulnerable.
The goal is to be wise aboutwhen and with who we are
vulnerable with.
So if you're struggling withbeing vulnerable, just know that
(19:10):
you're not alone.
It takes guts, it's not for thefaint of heart and I would say I
get real vulnerable with peoplevery easily and I probably
shouldn't, but then I also havea very hard time of letting
people in my circle.
So that's that's also needs togo into life coaching.
Sometimes when I do thesepodcasts, I'm like, okay, now I
know what I need to talk aboutin therapy next.
But I'll tell you thisvulnerability, done right, can
(19:35):
and will filter your life.
It will show you who's real, itwill bring you the right people
closer and it will help youstop dimming your light just to
make someone else feel morecomfortable.
And if someone can't handleyour honesty, your tenderness or
your truth, then that says moreabout them and not anything
about you or your worth, sothat's where I'll leave it.
(19:56):
Thanks for listening and, andas always guys, um until next
time.
Bye you.
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