August 12, 2025 • 22 mins
#185: That moment when the room falls silent after you've spoken up—not because you're wrong, but because you dared to say something. You've just stepped into that familiar territory where advocating for yourself or others gets you labeled as "difficult," while others receive praise for the exact same behavior.
This frustrating double standard isn't just in your head. Harvard Business Review research confirms that 66% of women receive negative personality descriptors in performance reviews when they speak up, with words like "abrasive" and "difficult" appearing far more frequently than in men's reviews. Columbia Business School found that when women are assertive, their likability drops significantly, while men's remains unchanged. We're constantly navigating an impossible tightrope: be warm but not strong enough for leadership, or be direct but "unlikable."
The calculation is exhausting—how do I speak my truth without being seen as "too much"? But remaining silent is equally damaging, reinforcing inequities and teaching others you'll tolerate imbalance. Every social advancement throughout history came because someone was willing to be labeled difficult. From women's suffrage to workplace protections, progress happens when people speak uncomfortable truths.
You can advocate effectively by leading with facts, using "we" framing instead of "I need," practicing neutral delivery, and knowing which battles deserve your energy. Set boundaries early rather than letting resentment build, and surround yourself with people who value directness rather than trying to convince others your personality is worthwhile.
If speaking up makes you "difficult," then perhaps more of us should embrace being difficult together. Workplaces, relationships, and societies don't improve because everyone stayed comfortable—they change because someone had the courage to say "this isn't working" and advocate for better. The next time someone calls you difficult, consider that they might actually be telling you that you're doing something right.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of the Babbles
Nonsense podcast.
On this week's episode, I dohave a question for you.
Have you ever spoken up whetherthat be at work, in a
relationship or in a friendshipand just felt the energy in the
room shift, not because you werewrong, but because you weren't
quiet about it?
To me, that's such an oddphenomenon you point out a
(00:22):
problem, may even offer asolution, and then suddenly the
focus isn't on the issue anymore, it's on you.
You're considered complaining,you're making things difficult
or you're too much.
I've noticed that when men dothis, they're often called
leaders, assertive or evenattractive, but when women do it
, we're called bitchy,complainers or even difficult.
But this isn't a men versuswomen conversation.
(00:44):
That's just an example of howspeaking up can be perceived.
This episode is about standingconfident when you stand up for
yourself and for what's right,even when it makes people
(01:18):
uncomfortable.
So let jump straight into it.
Today we're talking about thatdouble standard I just mentioned
in the intro, the one thattells women to be strong but not
too strong, be confident butnot intimidating, be direct but
not difficult.
This has happened to me far toooften, because I learned at a
young age that I had to stand upfor myself or who was going to
(01:42):
do it.
It also stems from a lot ofchildhood trauma that I'm, you
know.
Obviously I feel like childhoodtrauma we're always going to be
working through.
It's not an excuse, it's justlike that's so deep
subconsciously and I'll justhave to.
I mean, y'all heard severalpodcasts with me and me and you,
about how deep the subconsciousgoes.
But, with that said, like all,all of this that I'm talking
(02:05):
about is stemming from somechildhood trauma where I didn't
stand up for myself as a childand I just accepted verbal and
physical abuse from people thatshould have just really cared
about me and loved me.
Y'all know I've talked about myyou know that being my sister,
so I have always worn this mask.
I feel like in my professionallife I have always worn this
(02:28):
mask.
I feel like in my professionallife Because, well, I guess it's
not necessarily a mask.
I don't know where the maskgoes.
Is it my personal life or is itmy professional life?
Because in my personal life,growing up with all this
childhood trauma and not knowinglike standing up for myself,
and then it took years and yearsand years, and I'm I was one of
those people probably stillcould be one of these people
that I would let things justconstantly build and I would
(02:49):
just be like, okay, okay, okay.
And then all of a sudden, onething happens and I'm exploding
right and someone's like where'sthis coming from?
Because it may be somethinglittle as you know the saying
the straw that broke the camel'sback like it wasn't that one
thing, it was just over time,several things that built up and
I would explode.
(03:09):
So, through therapy and lifecoaching and things like that, I
had tried to start working onthat and expressing things right
then and like talking about itthen and doing it in a
professional and respectful way,whether that be at work or in
my personal life.
But I noticed that I started tobe labeled quote unquote
difficult and I was alwayscurious why, like it used to
(03:33):
really bother me.
It used to really bother mewhen people would be like you're
just difficult.
And then, as I've talked to myAunt, debbie, whom I've
mentioned on this podcastseveral times, who really should
be a therapist butunfortunately she's not.
She's my free therapist.
I guess I don't know if sheloves that, but she and I would
talk about this and I think sheused the example like a martyr,
(03:55):
like how does she say it?
Because I'm going to definitelybutcher this.
She would say, like martyrs,don't have an easy life.
And she was like I'm by nomeans calling you a martyr.
She was like, but think aboutit.
Like have an easy life.
And she was like I'm by nomeans calling you a martyr.
She was like, but think aboutit, like we wouldn't have the
things we have in life, likesocial justice and gender
equality and things like that,if people didn't stand up.
And that probably was not easy,well, it was not easy for them
(04:16):
to do either, but they did itbecause it was the right thing
to do.
And so and I'm not trying to putmyself in that category, I'm
just saying like, when I do seeinjustices being played out,
whether that be in my personalor professional life, I tend to
stand up for things and I tendto speak out, maybe even when
it's not even about myself,which again labels me as quote
(04:36):
unquote being difficult.
So I'm going to kind of startwith some of my own experiences
and then I want to kind of diveinto the research that proves
that it's not just in my head ormade up, because for a long
time I was like maybe I am I fedinto it, maybe I believed it.
But as I have worked throughtherapy and as I have grown to
(04:57):
appreciate my personality, Ihave become stronger and
confident in what I am doing.
And I appreciate that Because,again, if somebody doesn't do it
, who's going to?
How are we going to makechanges or headways in our, in
our own lives or in aprofessional career, if someone
doesn't start making thoseheadways?
So we're going to kind of talkabout why it happens, what it
(05:19):
costs us and how to push backwithout burning ourselves out.
So kind of want to dive into whythis can, why this podcast
topic came up.
It's because you know there's acurrent situation at work that
had happened.
And then I started thinkingabout my previous jobs where I
had noticed imbalances inworkloads, policies not applying
(05:41):
to all, and then you knowfavoritism, etc.
Whatever you want to put intoit, like if you're thinking
about your own career, and thatkind of thing, in my opinion, if
I left it alone, was going tokeep happening.
And I know sometimes they saylike don't stick your nose in
where it doesn't belong.
But those kind of things are thejustice that I'm talking about,
like if it's not applying toeveryone, which I also
(06:04):
understand that the life is notfair, the world is not fair, so
I tend to be the person thatdoesn't stay quiet about it.
I tend to attempt to bring itup to people, whether that be my
friends or administration atwork, like I said, in a
professional and respectful way.
I would try to explain thenumbers.
The policies provide examplesof inconsistencies, but I would
(06:24):
try to explain the numbers.
The policies provide examplesof inconsistencies, but I always
tried to also offer solutionsbecause, again, my aunt, whom I
get advice from, always told meto not complain without a
solution.
I did all the things that I wastold to do when addressing
issues constructively,professionally and politely.
But, with that being said,don't get me wrong.
Like early in my career, when Ifirst started doing all of this
(06:47):
and like trying to stand up formyself, I didn't go about it in
the best way.
I had to learn through years ofexperiences and you know
therapy and talking to my auntand all that on how to advocate
for myself, and I think I'vegotten better at it.
I think I've.
You know, am I perfect at it?
No.
Will I continue to work at thismy entire life?
Yes, but when I would advocatefor myself or when I do not win,
(07:10):
but when I do advocate formyself, usually the reaction is
well, you know, it's never.
It's never about what I'mtalking about, whether that be
about the numbers, the rules,the policy, it was never thanks
for pointing that out.
It always tended to shift backtowards why I was bringing it up
or why, like, why did you haveto bring that up?
(07:32):
Because, honestly, if everybodyjust stayed silent and I didn't
bring it up, then everythingwas all good right.
That tone seemed to shift backtowards me and I could feel that
subtle implication that bybringing it up at all, I was
being quote, unquote, difficult,and maybe that was never the
intention, but that was myperception and I always thought,
you know, cause, just me beinga female in the workplace, I
(07:55):
always had these thoughts like Iwonder, if a man in the same
role had said the same exactwords in the same exact tone,
would the response have been thesame?
Or would have it?
Would have it been he's a gogetter, he's looking out for the
team.
So I always, you know, havethese conversations, like I said
, with my aunt and I Just so youknow, like her background is,
(08:19):
she has a long standing careerin administration and so that's
why I talked to her when itcomes to work things and I mean,
obviously I talked to her aboutmy personal life as well,
because she gives great lifeadvice and I definitely admire
her and the work and the paththat she's paved in her own
career, and I would love to belike her, like I would strive to
be like her, and she had tohelp me realize that maybe this
wasn't just my imagination, thiswas real, because she would
(08:41):
give me, you know, examples ofher career and how she would do
the same thing.
She would stand up for thingsand fight for things at her
workforce and she, you know,built a great physical therapy
department at the Mayo Clinicwhen she was working and how
things you know went and stufflike that, and she was very
proud of it.
But the difference between herand I is it took me a long time
(09:02):
like I'm two years away from 40almost and I am just now
becoming a little bit moreconfident in my personality,
where she's always beenconfident in her personality.
But again, childhood trauma isdifferent in everybody.
But going back to what I wastalking about.
I did do a little digging andsome research through ChatGPT,
because it's just the easiestway to do research these days,
(09:24):
and I did find a study fromHarvard Business Review that
found that 66% of women are morelikely to be described with
negative personality attributesin performance reviews compared
to men.
Words like abrasive, emotionalor difficult show up far more
often when we speak up, whenwomen speak up.
The Columbia Business Schooldid another study when women are
(09:48):
assertive, their likabilitydrops, and that's and this isn't
in the study, but I have foundthat to be true in my personal
life as well.
When men are assertive, theirlikability doesn't change.
It's really just a doublestandard.
And if you're warm andagreeable, you're seen as nice
but maybe not strong enough forleadership.
(10:08):
If you're direct and assertive,you're competent but unlikable.
And here's the kicker Men whoadvocate for themselves are
often rewarded.
Women who do it were told to bemore collaborative, which is
often code for quote unquote.
Stop making people feeluncomfortable, and I honestly, I
started seeing this in everypart of my life.
Like you can literally just geton TikTok and look up dating
(10:31):
advice and there are 1000s ofmen telling, telling women.
The one turnoff about women isthat if they're too hyper
independent or, you know,advocate, basically advocating
for themselves or likedisagreeing, or it just comes
across as being difficult to men, and I do get it, because that
(10:52):
puts women more in theirmasculine energy.
But at the same time, how arewomen supposed to stay in their
feminine energy, advocate forthemselves, their careers and
try to get ahead in life,especially in a society that
we're in?
We're no longer in a societywhere we depend on men for
finances and whatever it may be,so we still have to be able to
(11:15):
do what we can do for ourselves.
But then how do you turn thatoff?
And maybe there is a way.
Maybe I need to talk about talk, talk to me and you about this
and get her advice.
But for me, like this constantcalculation that we do, how do I
say this without being seen astoo much?
It's exhausting and honestly Ifeel like it chips away at our
(11:36):
confidence at the end of the day, because people want to put
labels on it all the time.
You start to second guessyourself Is it me?
Am I overreacting?
Should I have said nothing?
And that's exactly how biaseskeep themselves alive.
It makes you doubt your ownright to speak up emotional and
corporate gaslighting, if youask me.
(11:56):
But here's the thing Remainingsilent also eats away at you.
It doesn't seem to align withwhat you want to make of
yourselves or your life.
It'll definitely, and itdefinitely doesn't protect you
in any way.
It just keeps the imbalance inplace and it teaches everyone
around you that you'll tolerateit, you'll accept the work,
you'll do it.
You won't say anything becauseyou don't want to be labeled
quote unquote difficult.
(12:17):
So what if we flipped it?
What if being called quoteunquote difficult was a sign you
were actually holding the line,protecting your energy and
advocating for fairness, andthat you were getting one step
closer to a breakthrough?
In fact, the McKinsey women inthe workplace report found that
women who are vocal aboutinequities, even if they get
(12:39):
pushback, often improveconditions for their team over
time.
And, like I said, we have to goback to thinking about the
women who fought for the rightto vote to be able to divorce
their husbands.
Because, yes, ladies, men usedto be the only ones who could
ask for or approve a divorce,and that was not that long ago.
Don't quote me on this, becauseI didn't look it up and I
should have, but I want to saythat women were not allowed to
(13:02):
divorce their husbands until, Ithink, the 1950s, but I'll fact
check that.
So if those women didn't speakup, if they weren't called
difficult, if they didn'tadvocate for themselves, where
would we be today, in 2025?
And I have to continue to remindmyself of that when I start
getting down on myself, when,when I start thinking that this
(13:26):
is a negative attribute, becauseI've also noticed, like, going
back to the like, if you'requiet, if you and this is again
personal or professional ifyou're quiet or if you don't
like confrontation or you're notconfrontational at all or you
don't speak up for yourself,then that personality seems to
be more positive and people kindof gravitate more towards that
(13:49):
than someone who's more vocal orsomeone who is willing to talk
about situations that botherthem, because it's seen as
confrontation, even though it'snot really confrontation.
In my opinion, you're justtrying to talk about a situation
, to learn about it, grow, fixit.
That seems to be more of anegative personality trait.
So the one with the negativepersonality trait is always
(14:09):
asked to like tone it down,don't ask so many questions,
don't be like that, just keepquiet.
But the person who's quiet, ormaybe they're emotional, maybe
they get their feelings hurt alittle bit.
They're never asked to.
You know, speak up a little bitmore, toughen up.
You know, maybe maybe it's both.
(14:30):
Maybe we should ask the personwho is a little bit more loud
and a little bit more vocal totone it back a little bit and
the person who doesn't to toneit up a little bit and let's
meet somewhere in the middle.
But you know, obviously this isnot a perfect world and that's
probably not going to happen.
But if you've ever foundyourself like in this position,
whether it be personal orprofessional, here are a few
ways to advocate for yourself.
(14:51):
So if we're talkingprofessional, we can always lead
with facts.
Data makes biases harder todismiss and my aunt has always
talked to me about that.
Take the emotion out of it.
Only speak facts, documentpatterns, not as ammunition but
as clarity, like to show and toprove.
This does continue to happenover time.
And then we have to use weframing.
(15:12):
We all benefit when, instead ofI need, which is kind of like
when they tell you to take youout of it, like don't put you in
your emails.
We have to stop taking I out ofthings and saying this would be
beneficial for all, becausethat's what we're trying to do.
That's the goal is to make itbeneficial for all.
We also have to practiceneutral delivery.
We can stay firm without givingany tone to our emails, and
(15:37):
that's something that you know.
When I was talking about myearlier career, I would keep
emotion in it and I wouldn'ttake it out.
And now I will write my emailwhen I am emotional, set it to
the side, go back through it,the use, take out the eyes and
take out any of the emotionalwords and then just straight
(15:57):
talk facts, and I'm talkingabout like as simple as this
happened at nine o'clock.
This happened at 10 o'clock,this is how many patients.
Facts, because no one candispute or argue facts.
And then you also have to knowwhen to disengage, because not
every battle is worth yourenergy, but the big ones are.
And that's something that I amcurrently still working through
(16:18):
is that I still am trying tofight these little battles that
really probably don't amount toanything.
And then I'm not thinking aboutthe bigger picture, because
when you do continue to fightthese battles and someone has
labeled you as difficult it'sreally hard to be heard when it
really is important.
But in life and relationships,we can choose where we put our
energy.
Not every comment or criticismneeds a response, and that's
(16:42):
something that one day,hopefully, will get into my head
.
I'm consistently thinking Ialways have to respond, whether
good or bad, when sometimes youdon't have to respond and people
can get the hint.
We also can set boundariesearly.
Don't wait until resentmentbuilds, and that's something
that I was talking about.
How I used to do that when Iwas younger.
(17:03):
I would be like, okay, okay,okay, and then it just kept
stacking and stacking andstacking until boom, explosion.
So then I started being like,okay, we have to start talking
about things in real time, nomatter how uncomfortable it is.
And that's why people will belike you.
Just, you like confrontation.
No, it's not that I'd likeconfrontation, I just it's very
(17:23):
uncomfortable for me to confrontsomeone, but you truly don't
want to see what happens when Iexplode.
So, trust me, you're you wouldthank me if you knew.
And then we have to realize thataligning with people like we
need to align with people whovalue our directness and we
shouldn't have to convincesomeone it's a good thing.
(17:43):
And that, again, is somethingI'm working through, because I
used to beat myself up about mypersonality and I think it was
that I was just trying to fit inwith people that I didn't align
with and that people thatdidn't appreciate it, and that
because I appreciate directness,I appreciate friends that are
direct.
And I'll give you an example,just talking personal If I put
on an outfit and I asked mygirlfriend, hey, do you like
(18:05):
this?
And she tells me yes, and thenwe go out and everybody's like,
why would you wear that?
Why would your friend just nottell you like hey, girl, no,
it's not cute, it's not as cuteas you thought in your head, go
change Like.
Obviously we can do it withcompassion and we don't have to
do it like rudely or hateful,because there's a difference in
directness and bluntness, andthat's something I also had to
learn.
(18:26):
But anyways, another thing wecan do is don't shrink to fit in
.
If you have to dim your lightto make someone else comfortable
, then that's not your person,that's not your friend, that's
not your romantic partner, andthat's something that I would
consistently do because, forexample, in dating because I do,
you know, have a great career,I'm professional some men that
(18:48):
I've dated in the past did notlike that I made more money than
them and I understand thatthat's a thing, but and I would
try to like dumb it down, like Iwould try to say, oh, I'm just
a nurse or oh, I'm just this,just to dumb down my career to
make someone else feelcomfortable.
So I've learned to stop doingthat as well.
And then the last thing we cando is balance independence with
(19:11):
openness.
Show that you can do things onyour own, but you're still open
to help, connect and havepartnership.
And that goes back to like whenI was talking about
relationships and a lot of menon TikTok giving advice, saying
that a lot of men find itunattractive that women are
super hyper independent.
I think there is a balancebetween being independent
(19:34):
because, like, for example, I'ma single female, I have to do a
lot of things by myself.
So when someone does come inand they want to help, because
of my past experiences, I'm like, okay, what do you want?
And to know I can do it myself,but I'm having to learn to
allow people to help me.
And it's kind of crazy becauseI am in the healthcare field and
in the nursing field and youwould think being in that field
(19:57):
would teach you like we all needhelp, because that's a career
that you cannot do everything byyourself.
But I'm telling you, as nursesask any nurse there's a saying
they eat their young and that'sbecause they will let you drown
and watch you drown beforehelping you, knowing that this
field is so hard and needs help.
(20:18):
But anyways, with all thatbeing said, with everything that
I just said, I want to just sayif speaking up makes me
difficult, then I hope more ofus choose to be difficult
together.
It used to really bother me whenpeople labeled me this way, but
the truth is I do know my heart, I know what's right, I know my
intentions and I'll continuebeing me, with my held held high
(20:40):
and allowing the right peopleto gravitate toward me, because
the truth is workplaces,relationships, friendships and
life don't change becauseeveryone stayed comfortable.
It changes because someone saidthis isn't working and we need
to do better.
So the next time someone callsyou difficult, just remember
they might actually be tellingyou that you're doing something
(21:02):
right.
So thank you all for listeningto this episode.
I know I babbled on, but ifthis resonated with you or you
know a friend struggling withthe same thing, obviously share
this episode with them.
And if you have your own storyyou know I love when y'all tell
me stories or if you need me todo a sequel or get me and you on
to talk about this more indepth willing to do that too
(21:23):
just shoot me a message, email,dm.
I would always love to hearyour experiences.
But anyways, guys, until nexttime, bye you.
Welcome back to another episode of the Babbles
Nonsense podcast.
On this week's episode, I dohave a question for you.
Have you ever spoken up whetherthat be at work, in a
relationship or in a friendshipand just felt the energy in the
room shift, not because you werewrong, but because you weren't
quiet about it?
To me, that's such an oddphenomenon you point out a
(00:22):
problem, may even offer asolution, and then suddenly the
focus isn't on the issue anymore, it's on you.
You're considered complaining,you're making things difficult
or you're too much.
I've noticed that when men dothis, they're often called
leaders, assertive or evenattractive, but when women do it
, we're called bitchy,complainers or even difficult.
But this isn't a men versuswomen conversation.
(00:44):
That's just an example of howspeaking up can be perceived.
This episode is about standingconfident when you stand up for
yourself and for what's right,even when it makes people
(01:18):
uncomfortable.
So let jump straight into it.
Today we're talking about thatdouble standard I just mentioned
in the intro, the one thattells women to be strong but not
too strong, be confident butnot intimidating, be direct but
not difficult.
This has happened to me far toooften, because I learned at a
young age that I had to stand upfor myself or who was going to
(01:42):
do it.
It also stems from a lot ofchildhood trauma that I'm, you
know.
Obviously I feel like childhoodtrauma we're always going to be
working through.
It's not an excuse, it's justlike that's so deep
subconsciously and I'll justhave to.
I mean, y'all heard severalpodcasts with me and me and you,
about how deep the subconsciousgoes.
But, with that said, like all,all of this that I'm talking
(02:05):
about is stemming from somechildhood trauma where I didn't
stand up for myself as a childand I just accepted verbal and
physical abuse from people thatshould have just really cared
about me and loved me.
Y'all know I've talked about myyou know that being my sister,
so I have always worn this mask.
I feel like in my professionallife I have always worn this
(02:28):
mask.
I feel like in my professionallife Because, well, I guess it's
not necessarily a mask.
I don't know where the maskgoes.
Is it my personal life or is itmy professional life?
Because in my personal life,growing up with all this
childhood trauma and not knowinglike standing up for myself,
and then it took years and yearsand years, and I'm I was one of
those people probably stillcould be one of these people
that I would let things justconstantly build and I would
(02:49):
just be like, okay, okay, okay.
And then all of a sudden, onething happens and I'm exploding
right and someone's like where'sthis coming from?
Because it may be somethinglittle as you know the saying
the straw that broke the camel'sback like it wasn't that one
thing, it was just over time,several things that built up and
I would explode.
(03:09):
So, through therapy and lifecoaching and things like that, I
had tried to start working onthat and expressing things right
then and like talking about itthen and doing it in a
professional and respectful way,whether that be at work or in
my personal life.
But I noticed that I started tobe labeled quote unquote
difficult and I was alwayscurious why, like it used to
(03:33):
really bother me.
It used to really bother mewhen people would be like you're
just difficult.
And then, as I've talked to myAunt, debbie, whom I've
mentioned on this podcastseveral times, who really should
be a therapist butunfortunately she's not.
She's my free therapist.
I guess I don't know if sheloves that, but she and I would
talk about this and I think sheused the example like a martyr,
(03:55):
like how does she say it?
Because I'm going to definitelybutcher this.
She would say, like martyrs,don't have an easy life.
And she was like I'm by nomeans calling you a martyr.
She was like, but think aboutit.
Like have an easy life.
And she was like I'm by nomeans calling you a martyr.
She was like, but think aboutit, like we wouldn't have the
things we have in life, likesocial justice and gender
equality and things like that,if people didn't stand up.
And that probably was not easy,well, it was not easy for them
(04:16):
to do either, but they did itbecause it was the right thing
to do.
And so and I'm not trying to putmyself in that category, I'm
just saying like, when I do seeinjustices being played out,
whether that be in my personalor professional life, I tend to
stand up for things and I tendto speak out, maybe even when
it's not even about myself,which again labels me as quote
(04:36):
unquote being difficult.
So I'm going to kind of startwith some of my own experiences
and then I want to kind of diveinto the research that proves
that it's not just in my head ormade up, because for a long
time I was like maybe I am I fedinto it, maybe I believed it.
But as I have worked throughtherapy and as I have grown to
(04:57):
appreciate my personality, Ihave become stronger and
confident in what I am doing.
And I appreciate that Because,again, if somebody doesn't do it
, who's going to?
How are we going to makechanges or headways in our, in
our own lives or in aprofessional career, if someone
doesn't start making thoseheadways?
So we're going to kind of talkabout why it happens, what it
(05:19):
costs us and how to push backwithout burning ourselves out.
So kind of want to dive into whythis can, why this podcast
topic came up.
It's because you know there's acurrent situation at work that
had happened.
And then I started thinkingabout my previous jobs where I
had noticed imbalances inworkloads, policies not applying
(05:41):
to all, and then you knowfavoritism, etc.
Whatever you want to put intoit, like if you're thinking
about your own career, and thatkind of thing, in my opinion, if
I left it alone, was going tokeep happening.
And I know sometimes they saylike don't stick your nose in
where it doesn't belong.
But those kind of things are thejustice that I'm talking about,
like if it's not applying toeveryone, which I also
(06:04):
understand that the life is notfair, the world is not fair, so
I tend to be the person thatdoesn't stay quiet about it.
I tend to attempt to bring itup to people, whether that be my
friends or administration atwork, like I said, in a
professional and respectful way.
I would try to explain thenumbers.
The policies provide examplesof inconsistencies, but I would
(06:24):
try to explain the numbers.
The policies provide examplesof inconsistencies, but I always
tried to also offer solutionsbecause, again, my aunt, whom I
get advice from, always told meto not complain without a
solution.
I did all the things that I wastold to do when addressing
issues constructively,professionally and politely.
But, with that being said,don't get me wrong.
Like early in my career, when Ifirst started doing all of this
(06:47):
and like trying to stand up formyself, I didn't go about it in
the best way.
I had to learn through years ofexperiences and you know
therapy and talking to my auntand all that on how to advocate
for myself, and I think I'vegotten better at it.
I think I've.
You know, am I perfect at it?
No.
Will I continue to work at thismy entire life?
Yes, but when I would advocatefor myself or when I do not win,
(07:10):
but when I do advocate formyself, usually the reaction is
well, you know, it's never.
It's never about what I'mtalking about, whether that be
about the numbers, the rules,the policy, it was never thanks
for pointing that out.
It always tended to shift backtowards why I was bringing it up
or why, like, why did you haveto bring that up?
(07:32):
Because, honestly, if everybodyjust stayed silent and I didn't
bring it up, then everythingwas all good right.
That tone seemed to shift backtowards me and I could feel that
subtle implication that bybringing it up at all, I was
being quote, unquote, difficult,and maybe that was never the
intention, but that was myperception and I always thought,
you know, cause, just me beinga female in the workplace, I
(07:55):
always had these thoughts like Iwonder, if a man in the same
role had said the same exactwords in the same exact tone,
would the response have been thesame?
Or would have it?
Would have it been he's a gogetter, he's looking out for the
team.
So I always, you know, havethese conversations, like I said
, with my aunt and I Just so youknow, like her background is,
(08:19):
she has a long standing careerin administration and so that's
why I talked to her when itcomes to work things and I mean,
obviously I talked to her aboutmy personal life as well,
because she gives great lifeadvice and I definitely admire
her and the work and the paththat she's paved in her own
career, and I would love to belike her, like I would strive to
be like her, and she had tohelp me realize that maybe this
wasn't just my imagination, thiswas real, because she would
(08:41):
give me, you know, examples ofher career and how she would do
the same thing.
She would stand up for thingsand fight for things at her
workforce and she, you know,built a great physical therapy
department at the Mayo Clinicwhen she was working and how
things you know went and stufflike that, and she was very
proud of it.
But the difference between herand I is it took me a long time
(09:02):
like I'm two years away from 40almost and I am just now
becoming a little bit moreconfident in my personality,
where she's always beenconfident in her personality.
But again, childhood trauma isdifferent in everybody.
But going back to what I wastalking about.
I did do a little digging andsome research through ChatGPT,
because it's just the easiestway to do research these days,
(09:24):
and I did find a study fromHarvard Business Review that
found that 66% of women are morelikely to be described with
negative personality attributesin performance reviews compared
to men.
Words like abrasive, emotionalor difficult show up far more
often when we speak up, whenwomen speak up.
The Columbia Business Schooldid another study when women are
(09:48):
assertive, their likabilitydrops, and that's and this isn't
in the study, but I have foundthat to be true in my personal
life as well.
When men are assertive, theirlikability doesn't change.
It's really just a doublestandard.
And if you're warm andagreeable, you're seen as nice
but maybe not strong enough forleadership.
(10:08):
If you're direct and assertive,you're competent but unlikable.
And here's the kicker Men whoadvocate for themselves are
often rewarded.
Women who do it were told to bemore collaborative, which is
often code for quote unquote.
Stop making people feeluncomfortable, and I honestly, I
started seeing this in everypart of my life.
Like you can literally just geton TikTok and look up dating
(10:31):
advice and there are 1000s ofmen telling, telling women.
The one turnoff about women isthat if they're too hyper
independent or, you know,advocate, basically advocating
for themselves or likedisagreeing, or it just comes
across as being difficult to men, and I do get it, because that
(10:52):
puts women more in theirmasculine energy.
But at the same time, how arewomen supposed to stay in their
feminine energy, advocate forthemselves, their careers and
try to get ahead in life,especially in a society that
we're in?
We're no longer in a societywhere we depend on men for
finances and whatever it may be,so we still have to be able to
(11:15):
do what we can do for ourselves.
But then how do you turn thatoff?
And maybe there is a way.
Maybe I need to talk about talk, talk to me and you about this
and get her advice.
But for me, like this constantcalculation that we do, how do I
say this without being seen astoo much?
It's exhausting and honestly Ifeel like it chips away at our
(11:36):
confidence at the end of the day, because people want to put
labels on it all the time.
You start to second guessyourself Is it me?
Am I overreacting?
Should I have said nothing?
And that's exactly how biaseskeep themselves alive.
It makes you doubt your ownright to speak up emotional and
corporate gaslighting, if youask me.
(11:56):
But here's the thing Remainingsilent also eats away at you.
It doesn't seem to align withwhat you want to make of
yourselves or your life.
It'll definitely, and itdefinitely doesn't protect you
in any way.
It just keeps the imbalance inplace and it teaches everyone
around you that you'll tolerateit, you'll accept the work,
you'll do it.
You won't say anything becauseyou don't want to be labeled
quote unquote difficult.
(12:17):
So what if we flipped it?
What if being called quoteunquote difficult was a sign you
were actually holding the line,protecting your energy and
advocating for fairness, andthat you were getting one step
closer to a breakthrough?
In fact, the McKinsey women inthe workplace report found that
women who are vocal aboutinequities, even if they get
(12:39):
pushback, often improveconditions for their team over
time.
And, like I said, we have to goback to thinking about the
women who fought for the rightto vote to be able to divorce
their husbands.
Because, yes, ladies, men usedto be the only ones who could
ask for or approve a divorce,and that was not that long ago.
Don't quote me on this, becauseI didn't look it up and I
should have, but I want to saythat women were not allowed to
(13:02):
divorce their husbands until, Ithink, the 1950s, but I'll fact
check that.
So if those women didn't speakup, if they weren't called
difficult, if they didn'tadvocate for themselves, where
would we be today, in 2025?
And I have to continue to remindmyself of that when I start
getting down on myself, when,when I start thinking that this
(13:26):
is a negative attribute, becauseI've also noticed, like, going
back to the like, if you'requiet, if you and this is again
personal or professional ifyou're quiet or if you don't
like confrontation or you're notconfrontational at all or you
don't speak up for yourself,then that personality seems to
be more positive and people kindof gravitate more towards that
(13:49):
than someone who's more vocal orsomeone who is willing to talk
about situations that botherthem, because it's seen as
confrontation, even though it'snot really confrontation.
In my opinion, you're justtrying to talk about a situation
, to learn about it, grow, fixit.
That seems to be more of anegative personality trait.
So the one with the negativepersonality trait is always
(14:09):
asked to like tone it down,don't ask so many questions,
don't be like that, just keepquiet.
But the person who's quiet, ormaybe they're emotional, maybe
they get their feelings hurt alittle bit.
They're never asked to.
You know, speak up a little bitmore, toughen up.
You know, maybe maybe it's both.
(14:30):
Maybe we should ask the personwho is a little bit more loud
and a little bit more vocal totone it back a little bit and
the person who doesn't to toneit up a little bit and let's
meet somewhere in the middle.
But you know, obviously this isnot a perfect world and that's
probably not going to happen.
But if you've ever foundyourself like in this position,
whether it be personal orprofessional, here are a few
ways to advocate for yourself.
(14:51):
So if we're talkingprofessional, we can always lead
with facts.
Data makes biases harder todismiss and my aunt has always
talked to me about that.
Take the emotion out of it.
Only speak facts, documentpatterns, not as ammunition but
as clarity, like to show and toprove.
This does continue to happenover time.
And then we have to use weframing.
(15:12):
We all benefit when, instead ofI need, which is kind of like
when they tell you to take youout of it, like don't put you in
your emails.
We have to stop taking I out ofthings and saying this would be
beneficial for all, becausethat's what we're trying to do.
That's the goal is to make itbeneficial for all.
We also have to practiceneutral delivery.
We can stay firm without givingany tone to our emails, and
(15:37):
that's something that you know.
When I was talking about myearlier career, I would keep
emotion in it and I wouldn'ttake it out.
And now I will write my emailwhen I am emotional, set it to
the side, go back through it,the use, take out the eyes and
take out any of the emotionalwords and then just straight
(15:57):
talk facts, and I'm talkingabout like as simple as this
happened at nine o'clock.
This happened at 10 o'clock,this is how many patients.
Facts, because no one candispute or argue facts.
And then you also have to knowwhen to disengage, because not
every battle is worth yourenergy, but the big ones are.
And that's something that I amcurrently still working through
(16:18):
is that I still am trying tofight these little battles that
really probably don't amount toanything.
And then I'm not thinking aboutthe bigger picture, because
when you do continue to fightthese battles and someone has
labeled you as difficult it'sreally hard to be heard when it
really is important.
But in life and relationships,we can choose where we put our
energy.
Not every comment or criticismneeds a response, and that's
(16:42):
something that one day,hopefully, will get into my head
.
I'm consistently thinking Ialways have to respond, whether
good or bad, when sometimes youdon't have to respond and people
can get the hint.
We also can set boundariesearly.
Don't wait until resentmentbuilds, and that's something
that I was talking about.
How I used to do that when Iwas younger.
(17:03):
I would be like, okay, okay,okay, and then it just kept
stacking and stacking andstacking until boom, explosion.
So then I started being like,okay, we have to start talking
about things in real time, nomatter how uncomfortable it is.
And that's why people will belike you.
Just, you like confrontation.
No, it's not that I'd likeconfrontation, I just it's very
(17:23):
uncomfortable for me to confrontsomeone, but you truly don't
want to see what happens when Iexplode.
So, trust me, you're you wouldthank me if you knew.
And then we have to realize thataligning with people like we
need to align with people whovalue our directness and we
shouldn't have to convincesomeone it's a good thing.
(17:43):
And that, again, is somethingI'm working through, because I
used to beat myself up about mypersonality and I think it was
that I was just trying to fit inwith people that I didn't align
with and that people thatdidn't appreciate it, and that
because I appreciate directness,I appreciate friends that are
direct.
And I'll give you an example,just talking personal If I put
on an outfit and I asked mygirlfriend, hey, do you like
(18:05):
this?
And she tells me yes, and thenwe go out and everybody's like,
why would you wear that?
Why would your friend just nottell you like hey, girl, no,
it's not cute, it's not as cuteas you thought in your head, go
change Like.
Obviously we can do it withcompassion and we don't have to
do it like rudely or hateful,because there's a difference in
directness and bluntness, andthat's something I also had to
learn.
(18:26):
But anyways, another thing wecan do is don't shrink to fit in
.
If you have to dim your lightto make someone else comfortable
, then that's not your person,that's not your friend, that's
not your romantic partner, andthat's something that I would
consistently do because, forexample, in dating because I do,
you know, have a great career,I'm professional some men that
(18:48):
I've dated in the past did notlike that I made more money than
them and I understand thatthat's a thing, but and I would
try to like dumb it down, like Iwould try to say, oh, I'm just
a nurse or oh, I'm just this,just to dumb down my career to
make someone else feelcomfortable.
So I've learned to stop doingthat as well.
And then the last thing we cando is balance independence with
(19:11):
openness.
Show that you can do things onyour own, but you're still open
to help, connect and havepartnership.
And that goes back to like whenI was talking about
relationships and a lot of menon TikTok giving advice, saying
that a lot of men find itunattractive that women are
super hyper independent.
I think there is a balancebetween being independent
(19:34):
because, like, for example, I'ma single female, I have to do a
lot of things by myself.
So when someone does come inand they want to help, because
of my past experiences, I'm like, okay, what do you want?
And to know I can do it myself,but I'm having to learn to
allow people to help me.
And it's kind of crazy becauseI am in the healthcare field and
in the nursing field and youwould think being in that field
(19:57):
would teach you like we all needhelp, because that's a career
that you cannot do everything byyourself.
But I'm telling you, as nursesask any nurse there's a saying
they eat their young and that'sbecause they will let you drown
and watch you drown beforehelping you, knowing that this
field is so hard and needs help.
(20:18):
But anyways, with all thatbeing said, with everything that
I just said, I want to just sayif speaking up makes me
difficult, then I hope more ofus choose to be difficult
together.
It used to really bother me whenpeople labeled me this way, but
the truth is I do know my heart, I know what's right, I know my
intentions and I'll continuebeing me, with my held held high
(20:40):
and allowing the right peopleto gravitate toward me, because
the truth is workplaces,relationships, friendships and
life don't change becauseeveryone stayed comfortable.
It changes because someone saidthis isn't working and we need
to do better.
So the next time someone callsyou difficult, just remember
they might actually be tellingyou that you're doing something
(21:02):
right.
So thank you all for listeningto this episode.
I know I babbled on, but ifthis resonated with you or you
know a friend struggling withthe same thing, obviously share
this episode with them.
And if you have your own storyyou know I love when y'all tell
me stories or if you need me todo a sequel or get me and you on
to talk about this more indepth willing to do that too
(21:23):
just shoot me a message, email,dm.
I would always love to hearyour experiences.
But anyways, guys, until nexttime, bye you.
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