Episode Transcript
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Johnna (00:00):
What is up, everyone?
Welcome back to another episodeof the Babbles Nonsense
podcast.
Today, I want to talk aboutsomething I feel like we've all
experienced at one time oranother.
And it's that uncomfortablesilence that happens when
communication fades.
You know, when someone's wordsused to fill your phone and now
it's just quiet.
But instead of overanalyzingthat quiet, I want to unpack
(00:22):
what silence actually means orsays.
Because whether it's in arelationship, friendships, or
even at work, silence does havea meaning.
And that's something I'mcurrently learning myself.
All right, guys.
(00:59):
So let's just jump into it.
This is going to be a short andsweet episode today.
It's just something I've kindof been thinking about.
Um, because I used to thinkwhen someone went silent, like
it was always a me thing and itbothered me.
I think like I've mentioned onthis podcast before, like just
the whole quote unquoteignoring.
Um, but sometimes silencedoesn't mean someone's ignoring
you.
Sometimes it's just their wayof either distancing themselves
(01:21):
or their way of likecommunicating with you through
silence.
Um, because silence overall isa language that people don't
realize they're speaking whenthey do it.
And it's all about how we doit, right?
That's with anything, anycommunication.
Because silence can meandisinterest, discomfort, guilt,
or sometimes it could just meanmaybe emotional immaturity if
(01:43):
someone doesn't know how toeither have confrontation or
like to not have confrontation,but to like communicate through
confrontation.
When someone stops showing upwith effort or clarity,
sometimes that's enoughinformation for us, even though
our minds can't wrap our headaround it.
And that's where everything isnuanced, right?
That's where everyone, based ontheir childhood traumas and
(02:05):
their past experiences, that'show everyone interprets
everything when it comes tocommunication, even silence,
because sometimes, like I said,maybe someone's being silent
because either they're notinterested in the conversation
anymore, it's an uncomfortableconversation for them, or maybe
they just lack the maturity tofinish the conversation.
But yet maybe with my childhoodtrauma, if someone goes
silence, I'll automaticallythink, oh my gosh, what have I
(02:28):
done?
Why is someone ignoring me?
When it may not be that at all.
Um, we don't have to alwaystake silence as rejection.
That's typically what I do.
I'll just go ahead and throw myname in the pot there.
Um, we can take it as data.
It tells us where someone'scapacity ends and where our own
boundaries should begin.
And I think that's beautifulbecause that's something I'm
(02:49):
trying to learn more to do.
I'm actually trying to staymore silent myself because I'm
always overexplaining.
I'm always trying to, you know,fix situations where I think
that I've upset someone insteadof just owning who I am and who
my what my personality is andjust sometimes sitting with
silence.
And sometimes that even likelike I hate ignoring people or
leaving people on red, but herelately I've been trying to be
(03:11):
better at it because sometimes Idon't have something to say, or
it's not even that I don't havesomething to say.
It's like I've said everythingI could say, like maybe I've
said the same thing 20 times andsomeone's just not getting it.
And so sometimes I just have toleave it on red, you know?
But then sometimes, like, andthis is just I'm talking more so
communication via text becausesometimes people DM me and my
(03:32):
Instagram and stuff, andsometimes I'll see it like while
I'm at the gym and completelyforget to respond, and then I'll
think about it a couple dayslater and I'll be like, oh my
gosh.
Um, but anyways, I wanted tokind of also briefly touch on
like why I feel like sometimeswe try to fill in the blanks
when there's silence because Ifeel like we all do it.
We write stories in our headsto make silence feel softer.
(03:54):
Um, and that's something, youknow, Min Yu and I have talked
about previously on the podcast,especially when she's done life
coaching with me.
And she, you know, she waslike, we all tell ourselves
stories and we have to get outof our own heads.
And sometimes, you know, Ithink it's that we're
uncomfortable, especially inthis day and age of just sitting
in silence.
Um, I remember when I used towork in the ER after a very
(04:15):
tough shift, you know, working13 hours and it's just been busy
and balls to the wall.
I remember like going home,like especially if I worked
three 12s in a row to get themover with, like, and that's
another thing we need to talkabout when people are like, but
you only work three days a week.
Okay, let's that, yeah, that'sa whole nother topic that I will
touch on um when I do ahealthcare podcast next.
(04:38):
Um, but so anyways, going backto the example, like if I am
sitting in the car on the wayhome from you know a 13-hour
shift, sometimes most of thetime it was 14 hours for me.
That had nothing to do withwork, that had everything to do
with me, being paranoid aboutbeing late to anything.
I was always to work early.
Um, but I would be driving homeand I would just be like
(04:59):
over-stimulated, likeoverwhelmed just from as many,
like as many people I had talkedto in the shift, or maybe it
was like a bad trauma orsomething.
And I would just sit in silenceall the way home.
And like I said, if I did three12s in a row, that next day,
you couldn't find me talking toanyone.
If someone tried to call myphone, I would literally hit end
(05:19):
and I would message them andsay, sorry, can't talk right
now, even if I was just sittingon the couch, like watching TV,
because I was justoverstimulated.
And sometimes I have to remindmyself like sometimes, maybe
when people are being silent,maybe they're just
overstimulated.
Maybe they have a, you know,work deadline, maybe they have
50 unread text messages on theirphone.
Maybe work is just bogging themdown, slamming them.
(05:42):
Maybe they just got in a fightwith their parents or their
significant other or a friend,and you're the last, you know,
the straw that broke the camel'sback.
You know what I'm saying?
But going back to like we alldo it, we write stories in our
heads to make silence feelsofter.
Like we tell ourselves maybethey're just busy, maybe they
didn't see it, maybe they justneed time, maybe, like that was
(06:02):
all the things like we're in ourheads just about like maybe,
maybe, maybe, maybe.
But the truth is, emotionallyavailable people don't leave
space for that kind of guessing.
Like emotionally mature people,I feel like would clarify,
communicate, and care enough notto let you wonder or to fill
that space.
Like, if there's silencebetween you and we're talking
(06:25):
about, I guess, a significantother or a friend, and there's
silence between y'all.
I feel like if we know theperson well enough and we feel
safe and we feel confident inbeing able to speak about
problems, I think that's whensilence feels less scary.
I think it's when maybe you'rein a relationship and you're
walking on eggshells orsomething like that, and then
(06:46):
and someone goes silent, you'remaybe wondering in your head,
like, oh, are they fading away?
Are they doing the slow ghost?
Like, what's going on becauseyou're not confident or feeling
quote unquote, I guess, safe inthat relationship, and your
nervous system is dysregulated.
On the flip side of that, youcould just have a very anxious
attachment style and nothing iswrong.
(07:06):
And maybe you've been inprevious relationships where you
haven't healed that part ofyou.
But I will say this it's notyour current partner's position
or job to make you have less ofan anxious attachment style.
Well, let me reword that.
Yes, it is their job to helpyou through that anxious
attachment style by giving youthe security, reassurance, and
(07:27):
stuff like that.
That should calm the anxiousattachment style down.
However, if it's more likeinternalized and deep, like that
deep-rooted childhood traumawhere everything is affecting
you and maybe you haven't healedfrom a previous relationship,
then it is your ultimate job towork on that.
But you also have to recognizeit, right?
We have to recognize when we'reanxiously attached, avoidantly
(07:48):
attached, or whatever it is.
Um, we have to recognize thatbecause if we don't recognize
it, then we can't fix it becausemost of the times it's
something within you that'striggering those past childhood
emotions that's just coming outin adulthood, and they're gonna
wax and wane.
Like I I did a um test, not atest, a quiz on attachment
(08:11):
styles, which you'll hear alittle bit more about in next
week's episode.
Um, so I don't want to give toomuch away, but just did this
quiz, and like I I didn'trealize that you could have like
a main attachment style andthen you can have secondary
attachment styles pending therelationship that you're in
because we all, you know, we allcan flip and flop.
Like usually when people aretalking about these attachment
(08:32):
styles, it almost feels likethis is your attachment style,
you just gotta heal from it,move on.
But we all have core wounds,and like I feel like there's
probably been moments where youyour parents were secure or your
parents were, you know,avoiding you, or they caused
some anxiety in you to, youknow, that's how we form our
attachment styles.
And so I feel like likesometimes I'm anxiously
(08:53):
attached, pending what partnerI'm with, sometimes I'm securely
attached, and then sometimesI'm an avoidant.
Like sometimes I'm like, yeah,don't want to be around you
right now.
Um, but anyways, enough onthat.
I think me and Min Yu are goingto try to do attachment style
podcasts because I've just beengetting into it lately, just
trying to learn like more aboutmyself and how you know I can
(09:14):
grow as a human.
And it's just very interesting.
Um, anyways, moving on, Iwanted to also touch on like a
little bit of respectingyourself when it comes to the
silence, because the moment youstop chasing answers and start
accepting the silence ascommunication, you do start
reclaiming your power and itgives you more self-respect and
(09:34):
you start building thatself-confidence.
Um, you stop begging forexplanations from people who
already gave you one throughtheir actions.
So sometimes I think we ashumans, we want closure, whether
that be, you know, like I said,a platonic relationship, work
relationship, romanticrelationship, we're always
seeking closure when sometimeswe have to give ourselves
(09:57):
closure by stop replayingeverything in our head, stop
fantasizing potential, you know,take everything as it was.
Like if they said, you know,I'm walking out this door, take
it as I'm walking out this door.
Don't go, oh, well, what doesthat mean?
Does that mean he's coming backin the door?
You know, sometimes I thinkthat we just try to make
questions that really aren'tthere because our brain is
(10:19):
trying to keep you safe fromhurting.
And so we're just trying tofind a why when we may never
find a why.
And I think that sometimes, youknow, like if someone does go
silent or ghost you or, youknow, not give you an answer for
a breakup or why they're endinga friendship or why they fired
you or whatever case in pointmay be, then I think that's
sometimes where we have to startself-regulating.
(10:40):
And that also helps you build amore secure attachment style
when you can self-regulate andyou don't push somebody away to
regulate or you don't have topull someone close to regulate.
Um, and that's not me beingbitter, that's just like
becoming more emotionallyintelligent, emotionally mature,
whatever you want to put inthat category.
(11:00):
It's just saying, like, I'm notgoing to interpret silence as
mystery anymore.
I'm going to interpret it asmisalignment.
This wasn't meant for me.
Here's my answer, and stoptrying to find answers when
there's none there.
Or there may be answers there,but if the other person's not
willing to give you thoseanswers, then you can't make
assumptions for them because youare not them and you didn't,
(11:24):
you like we have not lived theirexperience in life.
We have not grown up in their,you know, childhoods.
So I always try to give peoplegrace in that aspect.
Like whenever someone, like,let's say I'm the silent one and
I go silent, someone can guessall day long, well, she's
ignoring because of this, or shewent silent because of that,
but no one truly knows but me.
And like I said, we're onlyjust making assumptions versus
(11:46):
saying, you know what, itdoesn't matter why they went
silent, they went silent, andthat is the answer.
So we've got to stop trying me.
When I say we, I'm saying me,trying to find the why behind
things.
Um, but yeah, if someone, ifsomething feels off and no one's
saying anything, I guess I'mjust saying, let's not try to
fill in those blanks with hope.
Let's fill in those blanks withhonesty.
(12:08):
If their energy feels distance,believe the distance.
If their silence feels like ananswer, believe that too.
Because peace comes when westop trying to translate someone
else's inconsistency and startlistening to our own intuition.
And that's something I'm reallyworking on heavy here lately,
um, especially like I've beengoing back to therapy.
Um, and so just something I'vereally been focusing on, and I
(12:31):
just kind of wanted to share it.
But, anyways, I will end itthere.
So thank you all for babblingwith me today.
If this episode spoke to you,please share it with someone
who's been overthinking silencetoo.
And just remember for a finaltakeaway, people who care about
you will always make sure youknow it.
Everyone else teaches you tostop overthinking yourself to
(12:52):
people who don't deserve theexplanation.
But, anyways, guys, I hope thatresonated.
Until next time, bye.