April 8, 2025 • 33 mins
#169: Have you ever been left on read, ghosted, or flat-out ignored? That sinking feeling when someone vanishes without explanation isn't just annoying—it can trigger deep emotional wounds we didn't even know we had.
In this deeply personal episode, I open up about my own triggers around being ignored, tracing them back to childhood experiences with parental figures who weren't consistently present. When that first text goes unanswered, many of us immediately turn inward, questioning what we did wrong—but the truth is, ghosting reveals far more about the person doing it than about us.
We dive into the psychology behind why people disappear without explanation: fear of confrontation, emotional immaturity, avoidant attachment styles, our swipe-and-discard dating culture, and sometimes just plain lack of empathy. Understanding these motivations doesn't excuse the behavior, but it can help us stop taking it so personally.
The real magic happens when we learn to reclaim our power in these situations. I share six practical strategies for dealing with being ghosted, from resisting the urge to chase after someone to finding closure within ourselves rather than waiting for it from others. Your value doesn't decrease because someone failed to see it—and you never need to beg for basic respect.
Whether you're currently nursing the sting of being ghosted or want to better understand why it hurts so much when someone goes silent, this episode offers both validation and practical wisdom. Ready to take your power back when someone leaves you on read? Listen now, and let's navigate this modern relationship challenge together.
You can now send us a text to ask a question or review the show. We would love to hear from you!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Johnna (00:00):
What is up everyone?
Welcome back to another episodeof the Babbles Nonsense podcast
.
So today we are talking aboutthe infamous ghosting and
ignoring that we probably allhave experienced at one point or
another, whether that be inyour social life, your
relationships, dating,professional life, whatever it
may be, we have probably all atsome point been ghosted and or
(00:22):
ignored.
So if you're interested in thistopic, then stick around.
I may or may not have someinteresting thoughts on this.
We shall see once we dive intoit.
So let's get started.
What is up, everyone?
(01:00):
Welcome back.
So I just wanted to do a littlehousekeeping, if you will,
because I keep getting askedabout the house, and I haven
wanted to do a littlehousekeeping, if you will,
because I keep getting askedabout the house and I haven't
really done a full episode onthat yet.
So all I will say is just alittle snippet, I guess, is I
purchased a brand new home thatwas not custom built for me but
was like already built, but noone had lived in it in 2020.
(01:24):
Yeah, 2020.
And shortly thereafter, like sixmonths to seven months later
after purchasing the home maybeeight months, unsure,
approximately six to nine monthsI noticed like some hardwood
was delaminating in the diningroom, in the living room area,
and actually my realtor, whohelped me purchase the home,
(01:46):
came over to do a podcast thatwe actually never released
because we were talking aboutthe real estate market during
COVID.
And how crazy it was.
She had come over to thepodcast and I was like, hey, let
me show you what's going onwith my floors over here.
Have you ever seen somethinglike this?
Which she had not.
So she told me to submit thatunder my one year warranty.
So I did under her advice, andthe builder at the time, you
(02:09):
know, sent the flooring peopleout to replace some of the
planks that had turned like graybecause I have like dark
hardwood and the flooring peoplecame out to replace them and
then it happened again and thenthey came back to replace it
again and they were like, hey,we're not going to keep
replacing this flooring If youcan't find the cause of what's
causing it, because it's not theflooring just turning a color,
(02:30):
there's water and moisturecoming in which is causing the
flooring to change colors,because there's moisture getting
in the house.
So this was my first home, youknow, I didn't really know the
ins and outs of what I could orcouldn't do at the time.
And lo and behold, like thebuilder told me, it was one
thing and it wasn't, which Ididn't know.
(02:50):
I could get outside sources into also check, but there wasn't
really an investigation tofigure out where the water and
the moisture was coming in from,so they had convinced me it was
.
You know one thing, when it,when, you know, come to find out
years later, it was not that,because the water and moisture
returned, which I found lastyear, and you know, I reached
(03:12):
out to the builder again becauseI had asked them, when they
thought they had fixed it backin 2021, if this should come
back, what would happen.
And that's when they told methat, you know, don't worry, it
would be taken care of.
Well, I reached back out to thebuilder and told him it was
back, but unfortunately they hada new warranty manager.
So I had to, you know, explainthe situation again and I was
(03:33):
told that this was not awarranty issue, even though I
still had the emails from theprior warranty manager.
And then it was like several,several months of like trying to
investigate, trying to get itto figure out the problem, and I
had hired my own people likemold mitigation specialist.
I had to hire contractors youknow a structural engineer to
come out and try to figure outwhat was going on and turned out
(03:54):
that there was a lot ofstructural defects, some code
violations.
The builder was aware.
The builder did not think thatthey needed to do what the
structural engineer recommendedto fix the house and they
weren't willing to fix thestructural defects at the time
in an email that I had received.
So I didn't have really anyother choice other than to seek
(04:15):
legal counsel, which I did, andso now I have a lawyer.
So I can't really talk aboutthe ins and outs of everything,
but I am unfortunately having togo through that process
currently, and once there is aresolution, once we figure out
what's going on, I can, or onceI'm given the okay to talk about
(04:37):
it more in detail.
I'll do it then.
But just to give everyone kindof a brief synopsis, because I
do keep getting asked like Ihave not forgotten.
Trust me, this is like a hugething in my life.
But getting on with the topicof today's episode, oh, one more
thing if you're local toHuntsville, madison area, highly
recommend the um.
(04:57):
Is it the Lanier?
Maybe it's, I don't know if I'msaying this right.
Y'all know I pronounceeverything wrong.
But the Lanier house it's likea tea house.
If you're into it's a reallyawesome thing to do.
Um, we, oh great.
So Siri is like talking to me.
Sorry, sorry about that.
Um, so we had, um, my friends,baby sprinkle there and it was
(05:18):
just beautiful, had a good time,the food was delicious, they
have gluten-free and vegetarianoptions and then, of course, the
all the tea was absolutelyphenomenal and it was just fun
catching up with the girls.
But I wanted to catch y'all upon that.
But going back to the topic ofghosting and ignoring so I'm not
(05:39):
an expert I wanted to do thiswith Meenu, but she's super busy
, which I'm super happy for her,because that just means her
business is taking off, whichher business is always doing
great, but it's just very busyright now.
But I just wanted to talk aboutghosting, being ignored, being
left on read, however you wantto say it.
I feel like we've all kind ofexperienced that and we've all,
(06:00):
whether we've all sent a messageor watch those three little
dots pop up and then theydisappear and then we never hear
back.
I feel like we've all beenthere and it's honestly
confusing, it can be painful,depending on who it is that's
doing it, and it can also messwith your head because you're
questioning yourself like Ithought they liked me.
Should I be embarrassed?
(06:20):
You know all those feelings,right.
So today we're going to try tobreak down why people ghost and
what it does to us emotionallyand how we can take our power
back, cause I know me and you'salways preaching about.
You know we give our power awaywhen we allow people to get
into our heads like this.
So let's just get on into it,okay.
(06:40):
So let's just start with thedefinition.
What is ghosting?
So ghosting to me my personalexperience and maybe this is
because it's a childhood traumawhich we're going to get into as
well but like ghosting to me isjust simply ignoring right.
So.
But the actual definition islike ghosting is when someone
suddenly cuts off allcommunication without warning or
(07:02):
explanation.
No text, no call, no, hey, thisisn't working, just poof gone.
So we mostly think aboutghosting in the dating world,
and if it's not in dating, wecall it ignoring right.
So like if it's a parent, ifit's a friend, we don't say,
well, my friend ghosted me.
We're like no, they juststraight up ignored me.
But then I guess ghosting isdifferent than ignoring, because
sometimes people can ignoreyour text message and then talk
(07:24):
to you two days later and that'snot necessarily ghosting,
because ghosting would be theydon't come back.
So I guess, now that I'mthinking about it, it's not
exactly the same thing.
But in all actuality ghosting isstill ignoring.
We will just call ignoringghosting's distant cousin.
That's what we will do becauseessentially they're the same
thing in my opinion.
But there's a common thread andtheme with both ignoring and
(07:48):
ghosting, because it just leavesyou hanging and wondering what
the hell happened.
And again, this maybe, maybe.
For me it is coming more from adating perspective.
Not that too many peopleactually have ghosted me, but I
constantly have issues with justbeing ignored in general.
So that's why I wanted toaddress it on the podcast,
because when I talk to mygirlfriends about it it's just
(08:09):
like it's not that it's a manthat's ignoring me, because I
get upset when anyone does it.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I just think it's rude I just think ignoring
someone is rude.
Johnna (08:18):
That's just my personal opinion.
So for me and my personalexperience, being ignored is
triggering, I think, like youknow, through therapy sessions
and whatnot.
Because my father, you know, he, didn't really have anything to
do with us as children and he,you know him and my mom, my mom
left him when I was very youngbecause he just wasn't a good
(08:40):
provider.
Honestly, he wasn't a man, Ihate to say that, he just wasn't
.
And so he would call us a lot,kind of the typical thing that
you see on TV, like he wouldcall, say that he was going to
show up, that he was going topick us up, and then we would be
the kids waiting by the windowand then he would never show up.
So that was my earliestremembrance of just being
ignored, and especially bysomeone who is such a strong
(09:02):
figure in my life, you know, afather figure.
Now, granted, I had a wonderfulstepdad who never ignored me,
and he's always.
Well, we'll get to that.
He never ignored me as a childand I'm laughing because, like
now that I'm older, if I likecall or something, sometimes he
will just ignore my call andhe'll like be like I'm not
talking to you because he alwaysand it's laughable because he's
(09:23):
not really like, well, he isignoring me, but he's doing it
because typically when I'mcalling, I really am just
bugging him with questions likehey, how do you do this, or
should I do that?
So half the time he's like Ijust don't want to talk to you
right now.
I totally get that, totallywould ignore myself as well.
But just from a very early age,like was just ignored by
someone who is supposed to bethis important figure in my life
(09:44):
.
Fast forward to, you know,growing up and I've talked about
this on previous podcasts whereI had, you know, an older
sister that was constantly introuble after my dad had passed
away, and then my mom wasconstantly feeling the need to
just give her attention, whetherit be good attention or bad
attention because she justthought she wasn't doing enough
(10:06):
as a parent, which in turn, tookmore of her attention away from
me.
So I was, you know, ignored bymy mother.
I would come home with goodgrades, I would try to talk to
her, and then it was like John,I'm not right now, I need to
focus on your sister.
So it was just a constantbattle of being ignored as a
child by both parents, oneintentionally, one not so
(10:26):
intentionally.
And so, just growing up, Ialways was.
I just, I guess, because thatjust triggered me and that's my
childhood quote unquote traumathat growing up, like, once we
did get cell phones and once,you know, I did have friends,
I'm you can ask any of myfriends this I just respond back
fast if I have my phone.
Like, if I have my phone andI'm, you can ask any of my
friends is I just respond backfast if I have my phone.
Like, if I have my phone andI'm able to respond back, I will
(10:49):
pick up my phone and respondback, because to me it takes
like 30 seconds just to respondto someone and I hate waiting.
So it's more about me than itis about someone else.
So, yeah, so that just so.
Then going into college youknow, as I've mentioned, dating
the first guy that you know, Ifell in love with my first love
and when we were back and forthin our situationship and he I
(11:11):
don't know, I can't speak forhim We've never actually talked
about this Sometimes I felt likehe was intentionally ignoring
me because, you know, I talkedabout my childhood and I talked
about my biggest hate in lifewas just when someone ignored me
.
And I'm not talking about whensomeone's busy, like I get
people are busy.
I'm talking about whensomeone's just flat out ignoring
you and they could haveanswered and they don't.
(11:32):
For example, if you textsomeone and they don't respond
back, but then they get onsocial media and make a post and
then you're like, hey, did yousee my message?
Or whatever.
And they're like, oh yeah, Iwas so busy, or I was just so
busy and I'm like, oh okay, youwere so busy that you posted on
social media but you couldn'trespond back.
That is the stuff I'm talkingabout.
I'm not talking about whenpeople are busy and they're out
(11:53):
doing something or they see thetext out, ignores it, or or when
we're talking about well, we'retalking about ignoring right
now the distant cousin ofghosting, just because I have to
give my backstory of why itjust affects me so much and so
(12:15):
talked about my mom, talkedabout my dad, talked about my
sister and then firstrelationship I get in, like I
said, I can't say that he wasdoing it on purpose or
intentionally, but it felt thatway at times that he would
withdraw like communication topunish me because he knew it
affected me so bad.
And then, you know, it justkind of snowballed from there
(12:37):
until I got older and likerealized I needed to heal this
trigger.
And so the couple guys are aguy dated two years ago, two,
three years ago um, like thatwas when I was trying to figure
out all this childhood traumaand go to therapy and whatnot
and there was like our firstfight that we had gotten into
(12:58):
and I saw like he had ignored meor whatever and for whatever
reason.
That just triggers me so and itmakes me want to reach out more
, which I know is the directopposite of what we need to do.
And then I caught myself in themiddle of it because of therapy
, because that's what obviouslytherapy is is to point out your
behavior so that you canrecognize them and start
stopping them when you're doingit.
(13:19):
And then from then on it'sgotten like better.
I'm not saying I'm not triggeredby being ignored or ghosted,
because I probably always willbe, but the response that I give
is just very different, andthat could be anybody, it's not
just someone dating.
I think we just think aboutdating when we talk about
ghosting, because that's themost prevalent when it's in our
(13:41):
society, right, I'm just talkingabout in general.
Like my friends can tell you,it's the same with my friends,
guys I'm dating my parentsanybody that does it.
It just irritates me beyondbelief.
So, anyways, I'm giving a lotaway about myself today, but it
is what it is.
So I looked up some stuff onghosting and ignoring and this
(14:01):
is what some research has saidand why ghosting or and or
ignoring is so triggering.
As humans, we crave closure.
Our brains are literally wiredto seek patterns and answers.
So when someone disappearswithout explanation, our mind
fills in the blanks and itusually isn't kind.
We start to wonder was it me?
Did I do something wrong?
And we always kind of go inward.
(14:22):
For most people not all peopleI've met some very confident
people that don't do this, butthen usually they're not
bothered by someone ghostingthem, because I think a lot of
it does stem from confidence andself-esteem.
And again, it all comes fromtriggers, just like I talked
about my childhood trauma andtrigger.
But it's true, and I actuallysaid this to someone one time
when they didn't talk, like whenwe were arguing or whatever,
(14:45):
and they didn't want to talkabout it.
Then I was like you know what.
Well then, don't get upset withme when my mind wants to fill
in any of the blanks with thisstory that I've created, because
you won't give me the versionfrom your head.
You know what I'm saying.
So, like and that's one thing Idon't understand like if I know
that no one loves confrontationor maybe there are some people
(15:06):
that do.
I don't personally loveconfrontation.
I don't personally like feelingick or whatever.
And I know some of my friendsmight disagree.
They might be like, oh, wethought you liked confrontation.
It's not that I like it, it'sthat I'm not afraid of
confrontation.
I'm not afraid to havediffering of opinions than
(15:28):
someone else and to be able totalk about it collaboratively
with someone.
Well, I guess notcollaboratively, but you know
what I'm talking about Talkabout it with someone and
coexist and then, if we can'tcome to some kind of mutual
agreement, to agree to disagree,because at the end of the day,
if you care about someone, youshould want to resolve it,
whether that be friends,platonic romantic parents,
(15:49):
grandparents, any of that.
But with all that said, usuallythe silence says more about them
than it does about you.
Because if you're willing tohave a hard conversation, that
does speak volumes to yourcharacter.
If someone can't give you thathard conversation back, if
someone does like let's.
If we are talking about datingand I know sometimes when me and
(16:13):
my friends talk, that's whatone of the reasons why, like you
, don't want to put yourself outthere and I've heard this from
people like that send me storiesand stuff for the podcast.
People don't want to putthemselves out there because
they are afraid of being ghostedor because we do live in that
time where it's just easy todelete the phone number, move on
, delete all social media andact like that person didn't
exist.
To me that is cowardly.
(16:33):
To me that doesn't speakvolumes to someone else's
character, because how hard isit like to just say, hey, I'm
not feeling this.
How hard is that to say?
Or hey, like you're texting metoo much, or something like I
know we don't want to hurtpeople's feelings and I know
there's a lot nicer ways to sayit.
We have chat, gbt, for heaven'ssake, where we can literally
(16:56):
get on there and say how can Itell someone that I'm not
interested in a nice way thatdoesn't hurt their feelings?
You know we have the technologynow to do that.
So I'm not exactly sure why weghost and ignore, but I guess
that there are certainsituations that it may be
beneficial if someone's just notgetting the hint.
Maybe I don't know.
But I want to get into what Ifound about why people ghost.
(17:20):
So there are five topics, orfive reasons, I guess, why
people do this.
So the first one would be fearof confrontation.
Some people would rather justdisappear than deal with
uncomfortable conversations.
Five topics, or five reasons, Iguess, why people do this.
So the first one would be fearof confrontation.
Some people would rather justdisappear than deal with
uncomfortable conversations.
Like I was saying earlier, theydon't want to say I'm not
interested because they'reafraid it'll make them look bad.
Um, even though ghosting, in myopinion, is worse.
(17:40):
Um.
The second one is emotionalimmaturity.
Ghosting is a sign that someonedoesn't have the tools or the
courage to communicate like anadult.
And I 1000% agree with that,because if you can't have an
emotional conversation, then tome you are lacking emotional
maturity, because it just saysthat you don't want to have a
hard conversation, or you'redon't want to hurt someone's
(18:02):
feelings, or you don't know howto do that without hurting
someone's feelings.
You know what I'm saying.
And then the third one isavoidance.
Maybe they're overwhelmeddealing with something or just
avoidant by nature, but again,their inability to communicate
isn't our burden to carry,because there are the avoidant
type people and typically thisis, I think, when it happens the
most, because most of the timethe avoidance link up with the
(18:28):
insecure attachment is insecureattachment.
There's another.
Let me look it up real quickanxious yes, that's what it is.
So a lot of times avoidancelink up with anxious, because
they're just drawn to each otherand so when the avoidant avoids
, the anxious gets anxious andthen they try to, you know,
reach out more, which makes theavoid avoid more.
You see where I'm going withthis.
(18:49):
So sometimes it is just theircharacter traits, but again, we
all can work on that.
The fourth one is modern culture.
So let's be real, dating appshave made people disposable.
I think social media and datingapps have made people
disposable.
There's always someone new toswipe on.
So the motivation to treatothers with respect just kind of
(19:10):
has dipped a little bit.
It's so easy to be like I had agreat date with her, but you
know, she or him, whatever himor her, and it it went great,
but it's just not what I'mfeeling.
And then get on the apps andjust keep swiping and then if
someone reaches out like,instead of just saying like hey,
I'm so, like I had a great timeon the date, I just don't see
this going anywhere and justletting it have the closure and
(19:32):
letting the person move on whenthe other person might have
thought it was just the mostwonderful date ever.
Then you can just get back onthe dating app and swipe, swipe,
swipe or someone's always inthe DMs just being like trying
to like hook up or trying to seehow you're doing, or whatever
it may be.
There's just this abundancearound and that's one of the
(19:53):
reasons why I don't like to dateis because it's just so much
abundance.
It's almost like no one islooking for anyone anymore
because they want to find thisquote unquote perfect specimen
of a human that doesn't existand no one's willing to put in
the work, because there's justso many options.
So why would you?
You know what I'm saying, so Iget it.
Um, the fifth and final one islack of empathy.
(20:13):
Some folks just don't care.
So if you are meeting up withthe narcissistic people, selfish
people, emotionally detached,emotionally immature, whatever
the reason or the character flaw, they don't see the harm in
disappearing because they're notthinking about you in that
moment when they're ghosting,they're focusing on their
feelings and how, what's goingon in their life, which I get,
(20:36):
to a certain extent, like.
We all kind of are self centricAt some point in our lives.
We all kind of do focus onourselves or you know parts in
our lives, are trying to makethings relate in our lives so
that we can connect andunderstand.
So I get it to a certain extent.
Again, I can understandsomething from someone else's
perspective but disagree with it.
So I'm not saying we shouldexcuse the behavior for it, but
(21:01):
when you understand where itcomes from, it kind of helps you
detach and stop taking it alittle personally.
So just kind of identifyingwhere they're coming from it
kind of helps you detach andstop taking it a little
personally.
So just kind of identifyingwhere they're coming from,
whether it be fear ofconfrontation, emotional
immaturity, avoidance, modernculture or lack of empathy.
If you can kind of understandit, then you can kind of get the
closure you need without themgiving you that closure which we
all have to work on anyways.
I know that, I know that I meanyou says it all the time but the
(21:25):
biggest deal, I think, is justthe impact of being ignored.
So that's what I wanted tofocus on, kind of like I shared
my experience, like how ittriggers like that childhood
trauma in me and you can kind ofrelate when you're listening to
this if you have a certainchildhood trauma and something
that someone does or says insociety or whatnot in your life
and it kind of just you get thistrigger, whether it be like
(21:47):
annoyance or aggravation, anger,and you don't really know where
it's coming from and you'relike why did I just all of a
sudden get angry by somethingsomeone said and you know it
wasn't what they said or who itwas.
It just you're like why am I?
So?
That's usually the childhoodtrauma and the trigger coming
out.
So then you have to do somedeep work there to try to figure
it out.
(22:08):
But getting into the real stuffon how it feels being ignored or
ghosted can feel like rejectionon steroids.
Sometimes it triggers oldwounds, like the childhood
trauma I was talking about,especially if it comes from
abandonment issues.
So I think, like I don't wantto say I was abandoned, but I
guess I was as a child, like mydad did just not want to be a
(22:29):
dad.
I guess I don't know he's notalive for me to ask him, but I
wish I were older prior to himpassing so that I could maybe
have this hard conversation withhim, to just be like why didn't
you want to be a father?
Why didn't you want to takecare of us Because he did just
like to go out to the bars andplay music.
He was a musician, he didn'twant to work, but you know you
(22:52):
gotta do that when you havechildren.
But regardless, I guess thatdid make me feel abandoned and
sometimes we have to just say itto like resonate with it.
I just don't like saying itbecause I don't want to feel
like a victim, because I'm not avictim.
I had a wonderful stepdad so Ifelt like I had someone that
took his place and did anamazing job.
(23:13):
But if you've ever felt likethat, felt abandoned, felt
unworthy, felt unloved oroverlooked in the past, this
kind of behavior, like theghosting and the ignoring, can
sometimes bring all that painback to the surface and our
nervous systems don't know thedifference between physical and
emotional threat.
So when we do feel thatabandonment or whatnot, whatever
(23:33):
you want to call it, our fightor flight response does tend to
kick in.
Sometimes we start spiraling,overthinking, obsessing,
refreshing, keep looking at ourphone, rereading text messages,
and we start doing, or like,keep reaching out, because it's
triggered, that response in usthat's trying to make us fix it
right, like we're not trying toactually fix that moment with
(23:54):
that person.
We're trying to fix the triggerto get to get it to stop, but
we can't until we recognize itand that's something that I'm so
happy that I have done, becauseI can recognize it and stop it
in the moment Not 100% of thetime, but most of the time and
it stopped making me questionmyself, like it stopped making
me be like what did I do?
(24:16):
Because I know it's notanything I've done.
Like sometimes two people justdon't jive, or sometimes, like I
said earlier, it's more aboutthe other person and what
they're going through reallyreally than what you've done,
and sometimes we give too muchpower and too much recognition
to someone else when really wecould just let it go to them and
(24:36):
just like whatever you'redealing with, I wish you nothing
but the best.
You know what I'm saying, likebecause it's really not a
reflection of us is, I guesswhat I'm trying to get at, is
all I guess what I'm trying toget at, but something that mean
you and like my therapist andeverything, and friends have
always told me that silence isthe biggest communication, like
I like just because someone'sbeing silent doesn't mean
(24:56):
they're not communicating withyou.
Sometimes it tells youeverything that you need to know
without them having to sayanything at all.
Like it can tell you a lot.
You can look at their character.
You can look at theconversation that they left.
You can look at like.
If you look at it like from anoutside perspective, I think we
can get a lot more clarity on it, which I know is really like
it's easy to sit here on thispodcast and say that, but when
(25:18):
you're in that emotional statein that moment, it's really hard
to do that.
But maybe if someone'slistening to this and they're
going through that, you can giveit a couple of weeks or try to
look at it from a differentperspective and try to realize
like it has nothing to do withwhat you've said or done.
But we can handle it indifferent ways.
(25:40):
I've learned some ways throughme and you and through therapy.
I've also done some research.
I'm going to read through theways that that's listed.
I have six different ways, soone of them being don't chase
them.
So if someone chooses todisappear, we're just supposed
to let them go and that gives usour power back, like me and you
always talks about that's why Iwish she was on this podcast
(26:01):
and then do your best not todouble text, don't beg for
answers and don't shrink yourpersonality in yourself to try
to figure out something thatsomeone else did and what
someone else is going through.
Like I said, like sometimes wecan look at it and it says a lot
.
Sometimes silence and peopleignoring you does say a lot.
The second one is reframe it.
(26:22):
If their silence is about oryou can just in your mind their
silence is about them, not you.
You did not do anything to messanything up.
You just saw the true colors ofsomeone you know.
Number three protect your peace.
Sometimes, like, people willignore you and or ghost you and
then come back around my friendcalls it spinning the block,
(26:45):
something I've learned andsometimes that will happen.
And if you're not, if youhaven't moved on or you haven't
made peace with it, thensometimes we allow people back
in when they clearly justdisrespected us by not giving us
that communication.
So sometimes that means mutingthem or blocking them on texting
(27:07):
and social media.
If it needs to be like I'm nottalking about someone you just
met, I'm talking about likemaybe you had dated for a long
time, or maybe you were in arelationship, or maybe it is
your family member.
I've had to do this with familymembers.
You know where.
We just need space, you know,for the moment, and sometimes
that's okay.
Number four would be focusing onyour own worth.
(27:28):
Your value does not decreasejust because someone failed to
see it.
Their inability to recognizeyour greatness isn't your
failure, it's their loss.
So just realize and like I saidearlier it I think a lot of it
does come down toself-confidence and self-esteem.
And when we focus inward onthat, then usually it doesn't
matter what someone else issaying or not saying to us.
(27:49):
Um, usually just because you'revery secure in who you are and
someone else doesn't need tobreak that down.
Number five practical detachmentletting go of needing closure
from someone who didn't respectyou in the first place.
Closure always should come fromyou, not them, and that's
something I had to learn manyyears too late that sometimes
(28:10):
you don't get closure.
Sometimes you have to just giveyourself that closure, and I
know that's hard and I knowthere's a friend and I don't
know if she's still goingthrough this because we haven't
spoken in a little bit.
I need to actually reach out toher.
This podcast is making me thinkabout her and I know her and I
have had conversations aboutthat.
You know, like we're, sometimesyou're just not going to know,
like, for instance, the firstexample I gave on this not the
(28:33):
first, but the one of the firstexamples I gave on this podcast
about when, how this started asa childhood trigger, you know,
from the ages from birth to 1517.
That's when, that's when I waslearning all like ghosting,
ignoring and whatnot frompivotal people in my life.
And I mentioned, I made thecomment where I said I don't
(28:54):
know if he did thisintentionally or if he did it to
hurt me, but that's somethingI'll let go because that's
something I used to really usedto really bother me.
But that's something I'll letgo because that's something it
used to really bother me, butthat's something I had to just
be like you know what, I don'tknow what he did, and that's for
him to know.
I don't need to know.
And that's giving yourselfclosure is by allowing yourself
the I don't need to knowinformation anymore.
(29:16):
And the sixth and final one is,if you're tempted to reach out,
ask yourself will it bring peaceor prolong the pain?
Sometimes writing out what youwant to say and not sending it
can help release it from yoursystem.
I recommend doing this in yournotes app and not on the
messaging, because you mightaccidentally hit send Won't say
I've done that, but you might.
(29:36):
So I recommend, highlyrecommend, the notes app or just
get on chat gpt and have aconversation with it.
You know, or you I'm sureyou've got some really great
friends and you can reach out tothem instead.
So just remember you don't needto beg for respect, you don't
need to explain your worth.
You can let them go and makeroom for better.
So it doesn't matter if someonehas ghosted you or ignoring and
(29:57):
clearly this is more aboutdating than family professional
it can.
I was just giving thoseexamples earlier on where it can
happen.
So, anyways, that is theepisode today and what kind of
started it all as I was onTikTok, which I I'm not like a
full TikTok girly, yet I amstarting to like it more.
But there was aok aboutghosting from this guy that I
(30:20):
was just like wow, that's areally good point.
And then that's when it kind ofsnowballed into like I really
want to do an episode on thatbecause I'm sure that's happened
to a lot of people.
It's happened to me like I'vebeen ghosted and ignored before
by several people actually youknow my own family, for heaven's
sake.
But um, it is what it is andit's kind of comical now that I
(30:41):
can talk about on the podcast,because it clearly isn't
bothering me or hurting me.
It's just something I wanted totalk about.
But I want to play this TikTokreal quick.
It's a little long, maybe twoto three minutes.
So if you want to stop thepodcast now, then that's fine.
If you want to listen to it,then would love for you to do
that.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
So I'm going to play it now and then left her feeling
like a fool.
All because you was too afraidto communicate.
But that's fake, because if youknew she wasn't the one, you
(31:22):
could have just said that.
Instead, you wanted her toquestion her worth and keep that
bridge unburned so one day youmight be able to come back
across it.
Once.
You, and whoever it is youthink you're replacing her with,
don't work out, becauseghosting ain't about protecting
their feelings.
It's just proof that you nevercared about them to begin with.
And the worst part aboutghosting her like that wasn't
making her lose you.
It was making her lose thebelief that the version of
(31:42):
herself that she showed you thatshe barely showed anybody else
was actually valued.
You could say all you want, how.
You just wanted to avoidconflict, but you left her to
battle her own thoughts aboutwhat she may have done wrong,
when you knew good and well thatshe was innocent, like you
didn't owe her commitment, bro,if the feelings weren't mutual.
But leaving her in confusionlike that instead of having the
basic decency to just say hey,this ain't working out for me.
(32:03):
It wasn't just immature, it wascruel.
You're a coward for doing it.
Johnna (32:09):
So, yeah, that's what kind of triggered this.
When I saw it pop up on my Foryou page, I was just like I love
when men will get on there andbe vulnerable and just say
things.
When men will get on there andbe vulnerable and just say
things and I'm like it reallydoes make you believe in
chivalry again, like being likeokay, there are some men out
there that still think this wayI'm not saying all men and I
mean I know there's, there'swomen.
That goes to.
I'm just saying like when it isdating.
(32:32):
And obviously it's coming frommy perspective as a woman then,
and I'm just, I'm just huge incommunication.
Like I will talk about all myfeelings until death, but and
sometimes I won't there'scertain things that I'm actually
get like shy away from.
But it really depends on howcomfortable someone makes me.
If you're my friend and I knowyou, then you're going to hear
it all.
You're going to hear everything.
(32:52):
If I'm dating someone, it'sgoing to take me a little while
to open up, but once I do, youare going to hear everything,
all my feelings, because I dobelieve in communication, I'm
just huge in communication.
And again, like I said, it goesback to my childhood trauma
because there wasn't a lot ofcommunication and that's what I
really wanted.
So that's what I do now.
Anyways, I'm going to end itright there.
(33:14):
I hope y'all enjoyed thisepisode and until next time, bye
.
Enjoyed this episode and untilnext time, bye you.
What is up everyone?
Welcome back to another episodeof the Babbles Nonsense podcast
.
So today we are talking aboutthe infamous ghosting and
ignoring that we probably allhave experienced at one point or
another, whether that be inyour social life, your
relationships, dating,professional life, whatever it
may be, we have probably all atsome point been ghosted and or
(00:22):
ignored.
So if you're interested in thistopic, then stick around.
I may or may not have someinteresting thoughts on this.
We shall see once we dive intoit.
So let's get started.
What is up, everyone?
(01:00):
Welcome back.
So I just wanted to do a littlehousekeeping, if you will,
because I keep getting askedabout the house, and I haven
wanted to do a littlehousekeeping, if you will,
because I keep getting askedabout the house and I haven't
really done a full episode onthat yet.
So all I will say is just alittle snippet, I guess, is I
purchased a brand new home thatwas not custom built for me but
was like already built, but noone had lived in it in 2020.
(01:24):
Yeah, 2020.
And shortly thereafter, like sixmonths to seven months later
after purchasing the home maybeeight months, unsure,
approximately six to nine monthsI noticed like some hardwood
was delaminating in the diningroom, in the living room area,
and actually my realtor, whohelped me purchase the home,
(01:46):
came over to do a podcast thatwe actually never released
because we were talking aboutthe real estate market during
COVID.
And how crazy it was.
She had come over to thepodcast and I was like, hey, let
me show you what's going onwith my floors over here.
Have you ever seen somethinglike this?
Which she had not.
So she told me to submit thatunder my one year warranty.
So I did under her advice, andthe builder at the time, you
(02:09):
know, sent the flooring peopleout to replace some of the
planks that had turned like graybecause I have like dark
hardwood and the flooring peoplecame out to replace them and
then it happened again and thenthey came back to replace it
again and they were like, hey,we're not going to keep
replacing this flooring If youcan't find the cause of what's
causing it, because it's not theflooring just turning a color,
(02:30):
there's water and moisturecoming in which is causing the
flooring to change colors,because there's moisture getting
in the house.
So this was my first home, youknow, I didn't really know the
ins and outs of what I could orcouldn't do at the time.
And lo and behold, like thebuilder told me, it was one
thing and it wasn't, which Ididn't know.
(02:50):
I could get outside sources into also check, but there wasn't
really an investigation tofigure out where the water and
the moisture was coming in from,so they had convinced me it was
.
You know one thing, when it,when, you know, come to find out
years later, it was not that,because the water and moisture
returned, which I found lastyear, and you know, I reached
(03:12):
out to the builder again becauseI had asked them, when they
thought they had fixed it backin 2021, if this should come
back, what would happen.
And that's when they told methat, you know, don't worry, it
would be taken care of.
Well, I reached back out to thebuilder and told him it was
back, but unfortunately they hada new warranty manager.
So I had to, you know, explainthe situation again and I was
(03:33):
told that this was not awarranty issue, even though I
still had the emails from theprior warranty manager.
And then it was like several,several months of like trying to
investigate, trying to get itto figure out the problem, and I
had hired my own people likemold mitigation specialist.
I had to hire contractors youknow a structural engineer to
come out and try to figure outwhat was going on and turned out
(03:54):
that there was a lot ofstructural defects, some code
violations.
The builder was aware.
The builder did not think thatthey needed to do what the
structural engineer recommendedto fix the house and they
weren't willing to fix thestructural defects at the time
in an email that I had received.
So I didn't have really anyother choice other than to seek
(04:15):
legal counsel, which I did, andso now I have a lawyer.
So I can't really talk aboutthe ins and outs of everything,
but I am unfortunately having togo through that process
currently, and once there is aresolution, once we figure out
what's going on, I can, or onceI'm given the okay to talk about
(04:37):
it more in detail.
I'll do it then.
But just to give everyone kindof a brief synopsis, because I
do keep getting asked like Ihave not forgotten.
Trust me, this is like a hugething in my life.
But getting on with the topicof today's episode, oh, one more
thing if you're local toHuntsville, madison area, highly
recommend the um.
(04:57):
Is it the Lanier?
Maybe it's, I don't know if I'msaying this right.
Y'all know I pronounceeverything wrong.
But the Lanier house it's likea tea house.
If you're into it's a reallyawesome thing to do.
Um, we, oh great.
So Siri is like talking to me.
Sorry, sorry about that.
Um, so we had, um, my friends,baby sprinkle there and it was
(05:18):
just beautiful, had a good time,the food was delicious, they
have gluten-free and vegetarianoptions and then, of course, the
all the tea was absolutelyphenomenal and it was just fun
catching up with the girls.
But I wanted to catch y'all upon that.
But going back to the topic ofghosting and ignoring so I'm not
(05:39):
an expert I wanted to do thiswith Meenu, but she's super busy
, which I'm super happy for her,because that just means her
business is taking off, whichher business is always doing
great, but it's just very busyright now.
But I just wanted to talk aboutghosting, being ignored, being
left on read, however you wantto say it.
I feel like we've all kind ofexperienced that and we've all,
(06:00):
whether we've all sent a messageor watch those three little
dots pop up and then theydisappear and then we never hear
back.
I feel like we've all beenthere and it's honestly
confusing, it can be painful,depending on who it is that's
doing it, and it can also messwith your head because you're
questioning yourself like Ithought they liked me.
Should I be embarrassed?
(06:20):
You know all those feelings,right.
So today we're going to try tobreak down why people ghost and
what it does to us emotionallyand how we can take our power
back, cause I know me and you'salways preaching about.
You know we give our power awaywhen we allow people to get
into our heads like this.
So let's just get on into it,okay.
(06:40):
So let's just start with thedefinition.
What is ghosting?
So ghosting to me my personalexperience and maybe this is
because it's a childhood traumawhich we're going to get into as
well but like ghosting to me isjust simply ignoring right.
So.
But the actual definition islike ghosting is when someone
suddenly cuts off allcommunication without warning or
(07:02):
explanation.
No text, no call, no, hey, thisisn't working, just poof gone.
So we mostly think aboutghosting in the dating world,
and if it's not in dating, wecall it ignoring right.
So like if it's a parent, ifit's a friend, we don't say,
well, my friend ghosted me.
We're like no, they juststraight up ignored me.
But then I guess ghosting isdifferent than ignoring, because
sometimes people can ignoreyour text message and then talk
(07:24):
to you two days later and that'snot necessarily ghosting,
because ghosting would be theydon't come back.
So I guess, now that I'mthinking about it, it's not
exactly the same thing.
But in all actuality ghosting isstill ignoring.
We will just call ignoringghosting's distant cousin.
That's what we will do becauseessentially they're the same
thing in my opinion.
But there's a common thread andtheme with both ignoring and
(07:48):
ghosting, because it just leavesyou hanging and wondering what
the hell happened.
And again, this maybe, maybe.
For me it is coming more from adating perspective.
Not that too many peopleactually have ghosted me, but I
constantly have issues with justbeing ignored in general.
So that's why I wanted toaddress it on the podcast,
because when I talk to mygirlfriends about it it's just
(08:09):
like it's not that it's a manthat's ignoring me, because I
get upset when anyone does it.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I just think it's rude I just think ignoring
someone is rude.
Johnna (08:18):
That's just my personal opinion.
So for me and my personalexperience, being ignored is
triggering, I think, like youknow, through therapy sessions
and whatnot.
Because my father, you know, he, didn't really have anything to
do with us as children and he,you know him and my mom, my mom
left him when I was very youngbecause he just wasn't a good
(08:40):
provider.
Honestly, he wasn't a man, Ihate to say that, he just wasn't
.
And so he would call us a lot,kind of the typical thing that
you see on TV, like he wouldcall, say that he was going to
show up, that he was going topick us up, and then we would be
the kids waiting by the windowand then he would never show up.
So that was my earliestremembrance of just being
ignored, and especially bysomeone who is such a strong
(09:02):
figure in my life, you know, afather figure.
Now, granted, I had a wonderfulstepdad who never ignored me,
and he's always.
Well, we'll get to that.
He never ignored me as a childand I'm laughing because, like
now that I'm older, if I likecall or something, sometimes he
will just ignore my call andhe'll like be like I'm not
talking to you because he alwaysand it's laughable because he's
(09:23):
not really like, well, he isignoring me, but he's doing it
because typically when I'mcalling, I really am just
bugging him with questions likehey, how do you do this, or
should I do that?
So half the time he's like Ijust don't want to talk to you
right now.
I totally get that, totallywould ignore myself as well.
But just from a very early age,like was just ignored by
someone who is supposed to bethis important figure in my life
(09:44):
.
Fast forward to, you know,growing up and I've talked about
this on previous podcasts whereI had, you know, an older
sister that was constantly introuble after my dad had passed
away, and then my mom wasconstantly feeling the need to
just give her attention, whetherit be good attention or bad
attention because she justthought she wasn't doing enough
(10:06):
as a parent, which in turn, tookmore of her attention away from
me.
So I was, you know, ignored bymy mother.
I would come home with goodgrades, I would try to talk to
her, and then it was like John,I'm not right now, I need to
focus on your sister.
So it was just a constantbattle of being ignored as a
child by both parents, oneintentionally, one not so
(10:26):
intentionally.
And so, just growing up, Ialways was.
I just, I guess, because thatjust triggered me and that's my
childhood quote unquote traumathat growing up, like, once we
did get cell phones and once,you know, I did have friends,
I'm you can ask any of myfriends this I just respond back
fast if I have my phone.
Like, if I have my phone andI'm, you can ask any of my
friends is I just respond backfast if I have my phone.
Like, if I have my phone andI'm able to respond back, I will
(10:49):
pick up my phone and respondback, because to me it takes
like 30 seconds just to respondto someone and I hate waiting.
So it's more about me than itis about someone else.
So, yeah, so that just so.
Then going into college youknow, as I've mentioned, dating
the first guy that you know, Ifell in love with my first love
and when we were back and forthin our situationship and he I
(11:11):
don't know, I can't speak forhim We've never actually talked
about this Sometimes I felt likehe was intentionally ignoring
me because, you know, I talkedabout my childhood and I talked
about my biggest hate in lifewas just when someone ignored me
.
And I'm not talking about whensomeone's busy, like I get
people are busy.
I'm talking about whensomeone's just flat out ignoring
you and they could haveanswered and they don't.
(11:32):
For example, if you textsomeone and they don't respond
back, but then they get onsocial media and make a post and
then you're like, hey, did yousee my message?
Or whatever.
And they're like, oh yeah, Iwas so busy, or I was just so
busy and I'm like, oh okay, youwere so busy that you posted on
social media but you couldn'trespond back.
That is the stuff I'm talkingabout.
I'm not talking about whenpeople are busy and they're out
(11:53):
doing something or they see thetext out, ignores it, or or when
we're talking about well, we'retalking about ignoring right
now the distant cousin ofghosting, just because I have to
give my backstory of why itjust affects me so much and so
(12:15):
talked about my mom, talkedabout my dad, talked about my
sister and then firstrelationship I get in, like I
said, I can't say that he wasdoing it on purpose or
intentionally, but it felt thatway at times that he would
withdraw like communication topunish me because he knew it
affected me so bad.
And then, you know, it justkind of snowballed from there
(12:37):
until I got older and likerealized I needed to heal this
trigger.
And so the couple guys are aguy dated two years ago, two,
three years ago um, like thatwas when I was trying to figure
out all this childhood traumaand go to therapy and whatnot
and there was like our firstfight that we had gotten into
(12:58):
and I saw like he had ignored meor whatever and for whatever
reason.
That just triggers me so and itmakes me want to reach out more
, which I know is the directopposite of what we need to do.
And then I caught myself in themiddle of it because of therapy
, because that's what obviouslytherapy is is to point out your
behavior so that you canrecognize them and start
stopping them when you're doingit.
(13:19):
And then from then on it'sgotten like better.
I'm not saying I'm not triggeredby being ignored or ghosted,
because I probably always willbe, but the response that I give
is just very different, andthat could be anybody, it's not
just someone dating.
I think we just think aboutdating when we talk about
ghosting, because that's themost prevalent when it's in our
(13:41):
society, right, I'm just talkingabout in general.
Like my friends can tell you,it's the same with my friends,
guys I'm dating my parentsanybody that does it.
It just irritates me beyondbelief.
So, anyways, I'm giving a lotaway about myself today, but it
is what it is.
So I looked up some stuff onghosting and ignoring and this
(14:01):
is what some research has saidand why ghosting or and or
ignoring is so triggering.
As humans, we crave closure.
Our brains are literally wiredto seek patterns and answers.
So when someone disappearswithout explanation, our mind
fills in the blanks and itusually isn't kind.
We start to wonder was it me?
Did I do something wrong?
And we always kind of go inward.
(14:22):
For most people not all peopleI've met some very confident
people that don't do this, butthen usually they're not
bothered by someone ghostingthem, because I think a lot of
it does stem from confidence andself-esteem.
And again, it all comes fromtriggers, just like I talked
about my childhood trauma andtrigger.
But it's true, and I actuallysaid this to someone one time
when they didn't talk, like whenwe were arguing or whatever,
(14:45):
and they didn't want to talkabout it.
Then I was like you know what.
Well then, don't get upset withme when my mind wants to fill
in any of the blanks with thisstory that I've created, because
you won't give me the versionfrom your head.
You know what I'm saying.
So, like and that's one thing Idon't understand like if I know
that no one loves confrontationor maybe there are some people
(15:06):
that do.
I don't personally loveconfrontation.
I don't personally like feelingick or whatever.
And I know some of my friendsmight disagree.
They might be like, oh, wethought you liked confrontation.
It's not that I like it, it'sthat I'm not afraid of
confrontation.
I'm not afraid to havediffering of opinions than
(15:28):
someone else and to be able totalk about it collaboratively
with someone.
Well, I guess notcollaboratively, but you know
what I'm talking about Talkabout it with someone and
coexist and then, if we can'tcome to some kind of mutual
agreement, to agree to disagree,because at the end of the day,
if you care about someone, youshould want to resolve it,
whether that be friends,platonic romantic parents,
(15:49):
grandparents, any of that.
But with all that said, usuallythe silence says more about them
than it does about you.
Because if you're willing tohave a hard conversation, that
does speak volumes to yourcharacter.
If someone can't give you thathard conversation back, if
someone does like let's.
If we are talking about datingand I know sometimes when me and
(16:13):
my friends talk, that's whatone of the reasons why, like you
, don't want to put yourself outthere and I've heard this from
people like that send me storiesand stuff for the podcast.
People don't want to putthemselves out there because
they are afraid of being ghostedor because we do live in that
time where it's just easy todelete the phone number, move on
, delete all social media andact like that person didn't
exist.
To me that is cowardly.
(16:33):
To me that doesn't speakvolumes to someone else's
character, because how hard isit like to just say, hey, I'm
not feeling this.
How hard is that to say?
Or hey, like you're texting metoo much, or something like I
know we don't want to hurtpeople's feelings and I know
there's a lot nicer ways to sayit.
We have chat, gbt, for heaven'ssake, where we can literally
(16:56):
get on there and say how can Itell someone that I'm not
interested in a nice way thatdoesn't hurt their feelings?
You know we have the technologynow to do that.
So I'm not exactly sure why weghost and ignore, but I guess
that there are certainsituations that it may be
beneficial if someone's just notgetting the hint.
Maybe I don't know.
But I want to get into what Ifound about why people ghost.
(17:20):
So there are five topics, orfive reasons, I guess, why
people do this.
So the first one would be fearof confrontation.
Some people would rather justdisappear than deal with
uncomfortable conversations.
Five topics, or five reasons, Iguess, why people do this.
So the first one would be fearof confrontation.
Some people would rather justdisappear than deal with
uncomfortable conversations.
Like I was saying earlier, theydon't want to say I'm not
interested because they'reafraid it'll make them look bad.
Um, even though ghosting, in myopinion, is worse.
(17:40):
Um.
The second one is emotionalimmaturity.
Ghosting is a sign that someonedoesn't have the tools or the
courage to communicate like anadult.
And I 1000% agree with that,because if you can't have an
emotional conversation, then tome you are lacking emotional
maturity, because it just saysthat you don't want to have a
hard conversation, or you'redon't want to hurt someone's
(18:02):
feelings, or you don't know howto do that without hurting
someone's feelings.
You know what I'm saying.
And then the third one isavoidance.
Maybe they're overwhelmeddealing with something or just
avoidant by nature, but again,their inability to communicate
isn't our burden to carry,because there are the avoidant
type people and typically thisis, I think, when it happens the
most, because most of the timethe avoidance link up with the
(18:28):
insecure attachment is insecureattachment.
There's another.
Let me look it up real quickanxious yes, that's what it is.
So a lot of times avoidancelink up with anxious, because
they're just drawn to each otherand so when the avoidant avoids
, the anxious gets anxious andthen they try to, you know,
reach out more, which makes theavoid avoid more.
You see where I'm going withthis.
(18:49):
So sometimes it is just theircharacter traits, but again, we
all can work on that.
The fourth one is modern culture.
So let's be real, dating appshave made people disposable.
I think social media and datingapps have made people
disposable.
There's always someone new toswipe on.
So the motivation to treatothers with respect just kind of
(19:10):
has dipped a little bit.
It's so easy to be like I had agreat date with her, but you
know, she or him, whatever himor her, and it it went great,
but it's just not what I'mfeeling.
And then get on the apps andjust keep swiping and then if
someone reaches out like,instead of just saying like hey,
I'm so, like I had a great timeon the date, I just don't see
this going anywhere and justletting it have the closure and
(19:32):
letting the person move on whenthe other person might have
thought it was just the mostwonderful date ever.
Then you can just get back onthe dating app and swipe, swipe,
swipe or someone's always inthe DMs just being like trying
to like hook up or trying to seehow you're doing, or whatever
it may be.
There's just this abundancearound and that's one of the
(19:53):
reasons why I don't like to dateis because it's just so much
abundance.
It's almost like no one islooking for anyone anymore
because they want to find thisquote unquote perfect specimen
of a human that doesn't existand no one's willing to put in
the work, because there's justso many options.
So why would you?
You know what I'm saying, so Iget it.
Um, the fifth and final one islack of empathy.
(20:13):
Some folks just don't care.
So if you are meeting up withthe narcissistic people, selfish
people, emotionally detached,emotionally immature, whatever
the reason or the character flaw, they don't see the harm in
disappearing because they're notthinking about you in that
moment when they're ghosting,they're focusing on their
feelings and how, what's goingon in their life, which I get,
(20:36):
to a certain extent, like.
We all kind of are self centricAt some point in our lives.
We all kind of do focus onourselves or you know parts in
our lives, are trying to makethings relate in our lives so
that we can connect andunderstand.
So I get it to a certain extent.
Again, I can understandsomething from someone else's
perspective but disagree with it.
So I'm not saying we shouldexcuse the behavior for it, but
(21:01):
when you understand where itcomes from, it kind of helps you
detach and stop taking it alittle personally.
So just kind of identifyingwhere they're coming from it
kind of helps you detach andstop taking it a little
personally.
So just kind of identifyingwhere they're coming from,
whether it be fear ofconfrontation, emotional
immaturity, avoidance, modernculture or lack of empathy.
If you can kind of understandit, then you can kind of get the
closure you need without themgiving you that closure which we
all have to work on anyways.
I know that, I know that I meanyou says it all the time but the
(21:25):
biggest deal, I think, is justthe impact of being ignored.
So that's what I wanted tofocus on, kind of like I shared
my experience, like how ittriggers like that childhood
trauma in me and you can kind ofrelate when you're listening to
this if you have a certainchildhood trauma and something
that someone does or says insociety or whatnot in your life
and it kind of just you get thistrigger, whether it be like
(21:47):
annoyance or aggravation, anger,and you don't really know where
it's coming from and you'relike why did I just all of a
sudden get angry by somethingsomeone said and you know it
wasn't what they said or who itwas.
It just you're like why am I?
So?
That's usually the childhoodtrauma and the trigger coming
out.
So then you have to do somedeep work there to try to figure
it out.
(22:08):
But getting into the real stuffon how it feels being ignored or
ghosted can feel like rejectionon steroids.
Sometimes it triggers oldwounds, like the childhood
trauma I was talking about,especially if it comes from
abandonment issues.
So I think, like I don't wantto say I was abandoned, but I
guess I was as a child, like mydad did just not want to be a
(22:29):
dad.
I guess I don't know he's notalive for me to ask him, but I
wish I were older prior to himpassing so that I could maybe
have this hard conversation withhim, to just be like why didn't
you want to be a father?
Why didn't you want to takecare of us Because he did just
like to go out to the bars andplay music.
He was a musician, he didn'twant to work, but you know you
(22:52):
gotta do that when you havechildren.
But regardless, I guess thatdid make me feel abandoned and
sometimes we have to just say itto like resonate with it.
I just don't like saying itbecause I don't want to feel
like a victim, because I'm not avictim.
I had a wonderful stepdad so Ifelt like I had someone that
took his place and did anamazing job.
(23:13):
But if you've ever felt likethat, felt abandoned, felt
unworthy, felt unloved oroverlooked in the past, this
kind of behavior, like theghosting and the ignoring, can
sometimes bring all that painback to the surface and our
nervous systems don't know thedifference between physical and
emotional threat.
So when we do feel thatabandonment or whatnot, whatever
(23:33):
you want to call it, our fightor flight response does tend to
kick in.
Sometimes we start spiraling,overthinking, obsessing,
refreshing, keep looking at ourphone, rereading text messages,
and we start doing, or like,keep reaching out, because it's
triggered, that response in usthat's trying to make us fix it
right, like we're not trying toactually fix that moment with
(23:54):
that person.
We're trying to fix the triggerto get to get it to stop, but
we can't until we recognize itand that's something that I'm so
happy that I have done, becauseI can recognize it and stop it
in the moment Not 100% of thetime, but most of the time and
it stopped making me questionmyself, like it stopped making
me be like what did I do?
(24:16):
Because I know it's notanything I've done.
Like sometimes two people justdon't jive, or sometimes, like I
said earlier, it's more aboutthe other person and what
they're going through reallyreally than what you've done,
and sometimes we give too muchpower and too much recognition
to someone else when really wecould just let it go to them and
(24:36):
just like whatever you'redealing with, I wish you nothing
but the best.
You know what I'm saying, likebecause it's really not a
reflection of us is, I guesswhat I'm trying to get at, is
all I guess what I'm trying toget at, but something that mean
you and like my therapist andeverything, and friends have
always told me that silence isthe biggest communication, like
I like just because someone'sbeing silent doesn't mean
(24:56):
they're not communicating withyou.
Sometimes it tells youeverything that you need to know
without them having to sayanything at all.
Like it can tell you a lot.
You can look at their character.
You can look at theconversation that they left.
You can look at like.
If you look at it like from anoutside perspective, I think we
can get a lot more clarity on it, which I know is really like
it's easy to sit here on thispodcast and say that, but when
(25:18):
you're in that emotional statein that moment, it's really hard
to do that.
But maybe if someone'slistening to this and they're
going through that, you can giveit a couple of weeks or try to
look at it from a differentperspective and try to realize
like it has nothing to do withwhat you've said or done.
But we can handle it indifferent ways.
(25:40):
I've learned some ways throughme and you and through therapy.
I've also done some research.
I'm going to read through theways that that's listed.
I have six different ways, soone of them being don't chase
them.
So if someone chooses todisappear, we're just supposed
to let them go and that gives usour power back, like me and you
always talks about that's why Iwish she was on this podcast
(26:01):
and then do your best not todouble text, don't beg for
answers and don't shrink yourpersonality in yourself to try
to figure out something thatsomeone else did and what
someone else is going through.
Like I said, like sometimes wecan look at it and it says a lot
.
Sometimes silence and peopleignoring you does say a lot.
The second one is reframe it.
(26:22):
If their silence is about oryou can just in your mind their
silence is about them, not you.
You did not do anything to messanything up.
You just saw the true colors ofsomeone you know.
Number three protect your peace.
Sometimes, like, people willignore you and or ghost you and
then come back around my friendcalls it spinning the block,
(26:45):
something I've learned andsometimes that will happen.
And if you're not, if youhaven't moved on or you haven't
made peace with it, thensometimes we allow people back
in when they clearly justdisrespected us by not giving us
that communication.
So sometimes that means mutingthem or blocking them on texting
(27:07):
and social media.
If it needs to be like I'm nottalking about someone you just
met, I'm talking about likemaybe you had dated for a long
time, or maybe you were in arelationship, or maybe it is
your family member.
I've had to do this with familymembers.
You know where.
We just need space, you know,for the moment, and sometimes
that's okay.
Number four would be focusing onyour own worth.
(27:28):
Your value does not decreasejust because someone failed to
see it.
Their inability to recognizeyour greatness isn't your
failure, it's their loss.
So just realize and like I saidearlier it I think a lot of it
does come down toself-confidence and self-esteem.
And when we focus inward onthat, then usually it doesn't
matter what someone else issaying or not saying to us.
(27:49):
Um, usually just because you'revery secure in who you are and
someone else doesn't need tobreak that down.
Number five practical detachmentletting go of needing closure
from someone who didn't respectyou in the first place.
Closure always should come fromyou, not them, and that's
something I had to learn manyyears too late that sometimes
(28:10):
you don't get closure.
Sometimes you have to just giveyourself that closure, and I
know that's hard and I knowthere's a friend and I don't
know if she's still goingthrough this because we haven't
spoken in a little bit.
I need to actually reach out toher.
This podcast is making me thinkabout her and I know her and I
have had conversations aboutthat.
You know, like we're, sometimesyou're just not going to know,
like, for instance, the firstexample I gave on this not the
(28:33):
first, but the one of the firstexamples I gave on this podcast
about when, how this started asa childhood trigger, you know,
from the ages from birth to 1517.
That's when, that's when I waslearning all like ghosting,
ignoring and whatnot frompivotal people in my life.
And I mentioned, I made thecomment where I said I don't
(28:54):
know if he did thisintentionally or if he did it to
hurt me, but that's somethingI'll let go because that's
something I used to really usedto really bother me.
But that's something I'll letgo because that's something it
used to really bother me, butthat's something I had to just
be like you know what, I don'tknow what he did, and that's for
him to know.
I don't need to know.
And that's giving yourselfclosure is by allowing yourself
the I don't need to knowinformation anymore.
(29:16):
And the sixth and final one is,if you're tempted to reach out,
ask yourself will it bring peaceor prolong the pain?
Sometimes writing out what youwant to say and not sending it
can help release it from yoursystem.
I recommend doing this in yournotes app and not on the
messaging, because you mightaccidentally hit send Won't say
I've done that, but you might.
(29:36):
So I recommend, highlyrecommend, the notes app or just
get on chat gpt and have aconversation with it.
You know, or you I'm sureyou've got some really great
friends and you can reach out tothem instead.
So just remember you don't needto beg for respect, you don't
need to explain your worth.
You can let them go and makeroom for better.
So it doesn't matter if someonehas ghosted you or ignoring and
(29:57):
clearly this is more aboutdating than family professional
it can.
I was just giving thoseexamples earlier on where it can
happen.
So, anyways, that is theepisode today and what kind of
started it all as I was onTikTok, which I I'm not like a
full TikTok girly, yet I amstarting to like it more.
But there was aok aboutghosting from this guy that I
(30:20):
was just like wow, that's areally good point.
And then that's when it kind ofsnowballed into like I really
want to do an episode on thatbecause I'm sure that's happened
to a lot of people.
It's happened to me like I'vebeen ghosted and ignored before
by several people actually youknow my own family, for heaven's
sake.
But um, it is what it is andit's kind of comical now that I
(30:41):
can talk about on the podcast,because it clearly isn't
bothering me or hurting me.
It's just something I wanted totalk about.
But I want to play this TikTokreal quick.
It's a little long, maybe twoto three minutes.
So if you want to stop thepodcast now, then that's fine.
If you want to listen to it,then would love for you to do
that.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
So I'm going to play it now and then left her feeling
like a fool.
All because you was too afraidto communicate.
But that's fake, because if youknew she wasn't the one, you
(31:22):
could have just said that.
Instead, you wanted her toquestion her worth and keep that
bridge unburned so one day youmight be able to come back
across it.
Once.
You, and whoever it is youthink you're replacing her with,
don't work out, becauseghosting ain't about protecting
their feelings.
It's just proof that you nevercared about them to begin with.
And the worst part aboutghosting her like that wasn't
making her lose you.
It was making her lose thebelief that the version of
(31:42):
herself that she showed you thatshe barely showed anybody else
was actually valued.
You could say all you want, how.
You just wanted to avoidconflict, but you left her to
battle her own thoughts aboutwhat she may have done wrong,
when you knew good and well thatshe was innocent, like you
didn't owe her commitment, bro,if the feelings weren't mutual.
But leaving her in confusionlike that instead of having the
basic decency to just say hey,this ain't working out for me.
(32:03):
It wasn't just immature, it wascruel.
You're a coward for doing it.
Johnna (32:09):
So, yeah, that's what kind of triggered this.
When I saw it pop up on my Foryou page, I was just like I love
when men will get on there andbe vulnerable and just say
things.
When men will get on there andbe vulnerable and just say
things and I'm like it reallydoes make you believe in
chivalry again, like being likeokay, there are some men out
there that still think this wayI'm not saying all men and I
mean I know there's, there'swomen.
That goes to.
I'm just saying like when it isdating.
(32:32):
And obviously it's coming frommy perspective as a woman then,
and I'm just, I'm just huge incommunication.
Like I will talk about all myfeelings until death, but and
sometimes I won't there'scertain things that I'm actually
get like shy away from.
But it really depends on howcomfortable someone makes me.
If you're my friend and I knowyou, then you're going to hear
it all.
You're going to hear everything.
(32:52):
If I'm dating someone, it'sgoing to take me a little while
to open up, but once I do, youare going to hear everything,
all my feelings, because I dobelieve in communication, I'm
just huge in communication.
And again, like I said, it goesback to my childhood trauma
because there wasn't a lot ofcommunication and that's what I
really wanted.
So that's what I do now.
Anyways, I'm going to end itright there.
(33:14):
I hope y'all enjoyed thisepisode and until next time, bye
.
Enjoyed this episode and untilnext time, bye you.
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