Moment: The Real Reason You Can’t Sit Still

We unpack the psychological connection between our to-do lists and our sense of self-worth. This powerful insight reveals how our childhood conditioning has created a neurological pathway where we equate achievement with love, approval, and ultimately survival.

• The never-ending to-do list has become a substitute for our need for approval
• Our brain evolved to equate attention with love and survival from our earliest days
• As children, we learned that achievement was a reliable way to gain parental attention
• Ticking items off our lists gives us a dopamine hit, making us "dopamine junkies"
• We often tie our emotional state (feeling calm, worthy) to completing external tasks
• The key is detaching our sense of self-worth from productivity and achievement
• You are enough just as you are, regardless of what remains on your to-do list

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Episode Transcript

Jo (00:04):
Welcome to Balance and Beyond Moments.
Your weekly dose of insight,wisdom and mindset shifts all in
10 minutes or less, whetherit's a powerful truth, a fresh
perspective or a spark ofinspiration, this is your space
to pause, reflect and reset.
Let's dive in.
Ah, the to-do list, thatnever-ending list.

(00:27):
Or maybe you've got lists oflists where it never, ever seems
to end.
I don't know what's on yours,but as a woman, this is
something that plagues us somuch.
Might be crazy sock day comingup, I've got a netball gala day.
There's this thing for a boss.
There's a million and onethings that you've got, and
everybody always tells me thatthis is the one thing that they

(00:50):
cannot put down.
It's on their minds all thetime and as they're doing one
thing, they're now thinkingabout what's the next thing on
my list and what's the nextthing?
And when I do this, I'm goingto do this and I'm going to fit
this in, and life becomes thiscrazy frantic mess of trying to
tick things off and you tellyourself little stories like

(01:12):
when I've got through the list,then I will sit down.
When I've got through thislittle bit, then it will be okay
, I'll play with the kids afterI've done all these things and I
certainly know when my kidswere younger, before I did a lot
of this work on myself, I wouldfind myself saying, no, no, no,
not just yet.
Let me go and put away thewashing and then I'll empty the
dishwasher and then I'll prepthis and then I'll do that, and

(01:32):
then we'll sit down and the kidswould come up to me and say,
mom, that was a half an hour ago.
So this to-do list, while itfeels all consuming and it feels
necessary, I get, we have tofunction in life and there is a
lot to do.
But there are a couple ofthings you really need to

(01:52):
understand about what's reallygoing on here with the to-do
list.
And it's actually nothing aboutthe list and it's everything
about you.
What the to-do list is really asubstitute for is your need for
approval as an ambitious,high-achieving woman.
What has happened is, throughoutyour childhood, it has been

(02:13):
conditioned in you that doingand achieving whether it's marks
or running or races or anythinglike that that is what's going
to get you the attention of yourparents and, believe it or not,
we are wired for attention.
Now, this may not come as asurprise when you have a child
who's tugging at you going mum,mum, mum, mum.

(02:33):
Of course we're wired forattention, but it's actually
primal and much deeper than that.
The reason that we are wiredfor attention is that as a child
, we equate attention with love.
And if we go right back to ourcaveman days, knowing that 95%,

(02:55):
actually 99% of our brain wasactually evolved on the savannah
so this thing walking aroundinside our noggin every single
day was built for caveman times.
It was not built for all thistechnology.
It was not built for this speedand sophistication.
Our brain, as it used tofunction as was necessary in a
very, very simple life, meantthat when we were born as a

(03:15):
child, we're born with thesebeautiful big eyes and these
cute little limbs and everythinglike that, but as a human we're
pretty useless.
Cute little limbs andeverything like that, but as a
human we're pretty useless.
Now, if you weren't loved,don't you think back to, if
you've had children yourself,those first couple of months?
The kids wee, they poo, theycry, they make you feel like a

(03:37):
human cow and if there was nolove there, there's a pretty
good chance that you would stickthem out on the rock for the
saber-toothed tiger to come andeat and be like I don't need
this, I'm getting nothing backin return, I'm not getting any
feedback.
All I'm getting is crying andpooping, and, yeah, I get the
other little kind of noise nowand then, but that's about it.

(03:58):
So we are wired to attach andas children, as newborns, we
will do whatever it takes to getthat love.
And as we start to get older,you know so that early primary
school age five, six, seven whatstarts to happen is that we
start to realize okay, what getsmy parents' attention?
Maybe it's achieving, maybeit's doing things, and for many

(04:21):
of you, if you're listening tothis podcast, that is the case
for you.
That was certainly myupbringing, bear in mind.
A lot of the time.
This wasn't necessarilyexplicit.
For many people it is, but Iknow that in my family, what was
often considered an insult wasto be called lazy, and I was
never really one to beencouraged to sit around or to

(04:43):
just chill out and just hang out.
It was always somebody who wasup and doing things.
And so, as this happens, thispattern starts to form oh, okay,
well, if I am doing things,then I am safe because I'm
getting my parents' attention,and then I am loved.
And if I'm loved, then I'm notgoing to die.
It sounds incredibly dramatic.

(05:06):
However, that is where ourcaveman brain goes, which means
that we literally tie the to-dolist, ticking things off the
list, and must do this, and mustdo this without absolute
survival, which is nuts, I know.
I know, hear me out, but it'salso why that compulsion in you

(05:28):
to put things on that list is sostrong.
Bear in mind, every time youtick something off that list,
every time you say yes, I didthat, you actually also give
yourself a dopamine hit, whichis a hormone in your brain which
is like crack for the brain andthe brain goes oh yes, tick
that off.
Awesome, well done.
And that is how we measureachievement.

(05:50):
Now, you know you're a bit of adopamine junkie if you've ever
added something to your listafter you've completed it,
simply for the satisfaction ofbeing able to tick it off.
Because in that adding it tothe list and ticking Now, what

(06:11):
happens is we feel like, if Ican just get to the bottom of
the list, if I can just be okaywith this, if I can get
everything done, I need to bemore efficient, I need to be
better organized.
That's the thing.
That's the thing, and when I'mbetter organized, then I will
sit down, or then I will rest,or then I will do something for

(06:33):
me.
But you and I both know thatthat list never, ever ends, and
if you have children, it justgets exponentially longer,
usually because every time youdo something and finish
something on the list, that thengenerates another task to go on
the list.
And so this is all about.
We've got to stop this train offeeling like I have to wait

(06:55):
until the list is done or I haveto wait until I'm through
things in order for me to getwhat I need.
Now, what happens in life is wedo everything for an emotion.
We are creatures who are drivenby our feelings, despite the
fact that we do our best to numbthem when we are feeling like

(07:15):
this.
So if we do everything for anemotion, what that means is we
usually spend a lot of timetrying to make the house feel
organized and clean so that wecan feel calm, because we have
tied our environment and ourcircumstances to how we feel.
I personally very much put myhands up, love a good, clean

(07:35):
kitchen bench, and that'ssomething that I've come to
terms with.
I've done a lot of work on, butI've also learned to let go of
a lot of other things.
I am certainly not aperfectionist in my house, even
though my mom absolutely loveher to bits but she is very
perfectionistic or very, let'ssay, very tidy and neat-nink.
I used to call her is veryperfectionistic or very, let's
say, very tidy and neat-nink, Iused to call her.

(07:56):
And growing up my house verymuch looked like a display home
Beautiful cushions and glasstables and everything was white.
But and so that is where a lotof my, some of my challenges
have come from in terms ofunderstanding what it's like to
run a home and doing things myway.
So if we do everything in lifefor a feeling, what could happen
if you actually give yourselfpermission to do the one thing

(08:20):
you want now without having togo through this I'm doing, I'm
doing, I've got to do, and whenthat's done and that's done,
then I'll sit down, then I'll dothis or then I feel calm.
This is how we detach from theto-do list, and we're not just
detaching our feelings from theto-do list, we're actually
detaching our sense ofself-worth.

(08:40):
We take your sense ofself-worth and mean that you are
enough just as you are.
You are safe.
If you sit down on the couchsurrounded by laundry, it's okay
, you are enough, and you canlearn.
If you can give yourself adopamine hit and celebrate that,

(09:01):
that is even better.
It's how we hack your brain.
So this is what's really reallyimportant to understand is you
need to start to do this work onyourself so that your sense of
self and your sense ofself-worth and all this drive
for achievement and all yourdopamine doesn't just come from
the to-do list.
Thanks for taking this momentfor yourself.

(09:27):
If this resonated, share itwith a friend who needs to hear
it today, and don't forget tosubscribe to Balance and Beyond
for full episodes and more ofthese bite-sized breakthroughs.
See you next time.