June 10, 2025 • 18 mins
As you jump into this week’s episode, don’t forget to check out our brand new Boundaries Workshop! Click on the link here to sign up now! https://www.balanceinstitute.com/boundary-workshop-2025
"You said no, you blocked the time, you set the boundary, so why are you still resentful and exhausted?"
This question cuts to the heart of what many ambitious women experience – the frustration of doing everything "right" in boundary-setting yet still feeling drained. The answer, as we explore in this episode, lies in the subtle yet powerful concept of boundary leaks.
Beyond the initial challenge of giving yourself permission to say no, there exists a more advanced level of boundary work that few discuss. We uncover three major ways your energy continues to leak despite setting theoretical boundaries: emotional over-functioning (making sure everyone's okay with your no), over-explaining (defending and justifying your decisions), and incomplete delegation (handing off tasks while still carrying the mental load).
These patterns stem from our deep discomfort with allowing others – and ourselves – to experience the natural consequences of our boundaries. We've been conditioned to believe that others' emotional responses are our responsibility, leading us to exhaust ourselves trying to prevent any possible discomfort. The irony? This very effort often creates the burnout we're trying to avoid.
What would it look like to break what we call "the sisterhood contract" of female over-functioning? To deliver a no with a period at the end – no apologies, no explanations? To truly delegate not just the task but the outcome? This is where true personal power resides, in choosing authenticity over performance, even when that means embracing the messiness of real boundaries.
Ready to move from knowing you should set boundaries to actually holding them with confidence? Check out our boundaries workshop with a bonus "saying no" guide in the show notes to support your journey toward boundaries that actually restore your energy rather than deplete it.
To view the Transcript from this week's episode, visit our Balance & Beyond Podcast webpage: https://www.balanceinstitute.com/podcast/2025/101
Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself!
If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, here are our socials where you can discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women create a life of balance.
Website: www.balanceinstitute.com
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Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jo (00:03):
Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for
ambitious women who refuse toaccept burnout as the price of
success.
Here we're committed toempowering you with the tools
and strategies you need toachieve true balance, where your
career, relationships andhealth all thrive and where you
have the power to define successon your terms.
I honor the space you'vecreated for yourself today, so
(00:25):
let's take a breath and diveright in.
You said no, you blocked thetime, you set the boundary, so
why are you still resentful andexhausted?
Because most women setboundaries in theory, not in
practice.
Today, we're revealing thesneaky ways your energy is still
leaking and how to plug thoseholes for good.
(00:47):
Jacqueline joining me today.
What is going?
Jaclyn (00:51):
on.
Jo (00:51):
This is an advanced concept that we're talking about and
that we see when people arespending a lot of, investing a
lot of time energy and money incontinual learning.
Jaclyn (01:00):
Saying no is kind of the first hurdle, right.
It's giving yourself permissionto say no.
So many of the women coming tous like that's the first
gauntlet.
But if you're tuning in, youknow you might still be working
with that gauntlet and you mightfeel like actually I have been
saying no.
Give yourself a pat on the backand we want to offer you a more
(01:22):
advanced way of checking inwith your power and your
boundaries around no.
So congratulations, you said no.
Now we want to ask you animportant question Are you
holding any apology around thatno?
Are you explaining, defendingyour no?
(01:45):
Are you secretly regretting itor feeling guilty?
So these kind of secret,stealthy, sneaky ways that our
energy is still bound up in whatfelt like an empowering choice.
Saying no, we were not totallyletting go.
(02:07):
So I know that there's threeways that you've broken this
down, joan.
We can go through each one ofthose if you want, but yeah,
that's just my.
My introduction is to considerthat saying no is the first step
.
Jo (02:20):
Yeah, Cause boundary leaks aren't always visible.
So this is what we're seeing.
Is that there's the obvious I'msaying yes to everything, I'm
completely overloaded.
But there is this more subtle,nuanced pattern that is really
important for us to share and,as we mentioned, this is
advanced levels.
So, first up, say no, reallyreally important.
(02:43):
However, there is a lot morenuance that sits under that,
once we've learned how to do it.
So let's talk about the firstway that we are leaking our
energy.
When it comes to boundaries,Jacqueline, this word emotional
over-functioning it's a no, butit's not.
(03:03):
What is it?
Jaclyn (03:06):
Yep, it's making sure that other people are okay with
your no, essentially.
So I said no, but now I got togo make sure that everyone's
okay.
I might have to bend overbackwards and make up for my no
in another way yeah, apologizingfor your no, and yeah, at the
(03:28):
end of the day, it's like youhave to earn back that no,
because I said no.
Now I have to make up for it.
So it's a sneaky way that wethought we could congratulate
ourselves for saying no and thenwe end up emotionally
over-functioning, overlycaretaking other people's
feelings.
Jo (03:48):
Yeah, and that's what it comes down to, isn't it?
It's something that we've notreally been taught how to do,
and that's how to be okay withothers' discomfort.
You've said, no, they don'tlike it.
Maybe they now have to dosomething they didn't want to do
, or they now have to go toextra effort, and we can't sit
in that we make it meansomething about ourselves that
(04:12):
we've overstretched, or we'renow mean, or we're selfish, or
all of these patterns that arereally, really prevalent.
Jaclyn (04:17):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, another way is to,because you're worried about
saying no.
So, to avoid saying no, you tokind of do all this gymnastics
to make life easier for thisother person, right, like it's
your spouse, and you don't wantto say no to picking the kids up
.
So then you go through all thisgymnastics of making okay, so
(04:38):
I'll make sure I pack thelunches for the kids.
So if he's going to, if I'mgoing to ask him to pick up the
kids because I'm going to say noto picking up the kids, then I
made it easy for him to pick upthe kids.
So now I don't even really haveto say no, because he'll
obviously want to pick up thekids, because I went all the
extra mile to make his lifeeasier, et cetera, et cetera.
So it's all this like extragymnastics, essentially to
(05:00):
soften the blow of our no or toavoid saying no or whatever.
It's a funny little thing we do.
Jo (05:08):
But it can be a huge energy leak, can't it?
You mentioned this?
Mental and emotional gymnasticsinstead of owning our no and
being clean in it, which is,let's be honest, a lot harder to
do.
Jaclyn (05:20):
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, absolutely, I mean this.
These are advanced conceptsthat we're introducing here,
like the first step is justgiving having the permission to
say no and then, once you say no, then you'll be contending with
all these other sneaky waysthat the people pleaser in you
is going to be rioting andyou're going to want to start
appeasing, and those are allenergy lakes, or power lakes, as
(05:43):
we like to say.
So, yeah, so it's important tostart looking out for this.
Jo (05:48):
Another way that we break these own boundary, our own
boundaries, without realizing itis we over-explain.
So this is part of the mentalgymnastics, isn't it?
We say no, but instead ofsaying no and just owning it,
what does over-explaining looklike?
Jaclyn (06:05):
Defending, basically just over-talking it.
But it's all about defense.
Are you sure you're going to beokay?
The reason why I'm doing it isthis reason.
It's all again around thediscomfort, like not, it's, it's
.
You give yourself thepermission, you say no and then
you're backtracking on thepermission you gave yourself.
(06:26):
So over-explaining is this wayof?
Is it okay?
Let me prove to myself and toyou that it is okay with all
this over-explaining.
Is this way of?
Is it okay?
Let me prove to myself and toyou that it is okay with all
this over-explaining.
I'm not being selfish, right,like just wanting that
validation from yourself, fromwhoever.
Yeah, explaining yourself awayreally.
Jo (06:46):
Yeah, and it can be really.
I guess you have to learn tostep into discomfort when you
start doing this, because I knowI used to be a big
over-explainer and I'm not asmuch anymore.
I recently said no to somethingat my daughter's school and I
had people almost fishing for myreason.
And I simply said I would loveto help, but now's not a good
(07:06):
time, and they almost werelooking at me like and.
Jaclyn (07:10):
And the reason why it's not a good time.
You must justify it.
Jo (07:14):
There's.
I don't need to justify that,it's my no, I sleep very well at
night.
That's my no.
And there was this but but.
But you can't, you can't justdo that.
And there's almost thissisterhood of we both
over-explain and we bothapologize and we both
over-justify and you're breakingthe damn sisterhood rule.
Jaclyn (07:31):
You're not Just do it that way.
It's actually so true, but Ilove that Be the rule breaker
and be the first person to set anew precedent, for my no has a
period at the end of it, andthat's good and clean and
awesome.
Jo (07:47):
Yeah, my no is my no, as you say, with no explaining.
And then another wayparticularly when it comes to
home and this happens at work aswell is how our boundaries leak
and become a bit more porous iswe will delegate, which means
we're not going to do the thing,but we don't actually let it go
fully do we, we don't fullydelegate it.
Jaclyn (08:10):
Yeah, totally, let it go fully, do we don't fully
delegate it?
Yeah, totally, micromanaging,hovering like helicoptering with
the kids or with people at workum, yeah, it's energetically
still managing it.
So you're not, you haven'treally delegated it.
You've delegated it the manuallabor, but not the mental labor.
So all three, like the threadthrough all three of these is
(08:31):
there's still this emotionalmental labor that you're
attending to.
Even though you said no, you'restill saying yes, with
investing your energy and your,your mental energy, your
emotional energy, which is a bigdistinction.
Jo (08:47):
Yeah, ironic right.
It's like, yes, I'm saying no,but I'm actually more exhausted
than ever, because it's reallyhard to say no.
Yeah, it's really hard to sayno, but it's even harder when
you say no and you continue toover-function, over-explain and
hold on to everything.
Jaclyn (09:04):
Yeah, oh, man, man, as women, we really we have a funny
agreement, we have a funnysisterhood, don't we Like?
Well, we're all in this stupidcontract together, this weird
agreement to over-function andall these things.
So nobody break the contract,but actually, please, somebody
break the contract.
Jo (09:23):
Show me that it can be done.
Jaclyn (09:26):
Yeah, and that's why women come to us, because this
is we're kind of like a placewhere women get to break the
rules and start a new precedentin their lives, right?
Jo (09:34):
And what is, I think, the hardest part when you delegate
and actually let go, you have tolet go of the outcome and how
it's done, which is what womenaren't very good at.
So one of the big things earlyon in my journey, I said to my
husband right, I'm delegating.
The dog needs to go to the vet.
We agreed that he was going todo it.
The old me would have checkedin once a week.
(09:57):
When's the dog booked in?
Do you need me to take?
When are you taking the dog tothe vet?
When are we going to fit thatin?
Have you booked the dog?
And I would constantly be thishypervigilant.
Has he booked the dog in?
Has he booked the dog in?
Instead, I just went.
You know what Worst case if thedog doesn't go to the vet for
six months, he has to wear theconsequences of that.
So this is what women areterrible at is we try to let go,
(10:19):
we try to delegate, but westill hold it and we still check
and we still worry.
It's like just do it in thefirst place.
So you either got to delegateit and be clean in your boundary
and understand that it mightget done differently to a
different timeframe, or as youget better at delegating, you
agree with the person you'redelegating it to.
So we need to book the dog intothe vet You're going to take it
(10:42):
, and when do you agree to bookthe dog in by?
This happens at work all thetime.
It's like here, can you takethis report off my hands?
But you don't actually say canyou take the report off my hands
?
But you don't actually say canyou take the report off my hands
?
I need three pages of thereport completed by next Friday
on my desk on this topic.
And then we wonder why we'reconstantly checking in and
nagging and resentful of thembecause we haven't done it
(11:05):
properly.
Jaclyn (11:06):
Yeah, yeah, it's.
Yeah, we haven't been taughthow to create those agreements,
to be explicit and then toreally let it go Right To once
the agreement is made.
Okay, I let, I let it fully go.
I'm not going to over function.
Make sure that that person'sokay and taking care of
themselves while they go makethe appointment for the vet.
(11:29):
I can trust that they can takecare of themselves while they go
make the appointment for thevet.
I can trust that they can takecare of themselves.
Same thing with, yeah, theover-explaining, the deli, all
of these pieces.
Oh yeah, I was like we don'twant to be with the consequences
in both ways, like what I meanis we don't want to let the
other person be with theconsequences because that's
painful for us to watch.
(11:49):
So if something happens with thedog and then your husband has
to deal with the consequencesbecause that's painful for us to
watch, so if something happenswith the dog and then your
husband has to deal with theconsequences, the dog has to
deal with the consequences andthen you have to watch those two
dealing with the consequencesand those are your consequences.
And I think that's what happensis that we were like, well, I
don't want those consequences ofthem dealing with the
consequences.
So I'm just going to eliminatethat to begin with, like it's a
(12:11):
weird mathematical equation thatwe already do unconsciously
immediately, like I'm just goingto avoid them the mess that
could result.
It might not even result, butjust in case that mess happens,
I don't want to be with thatmess and so I'm just going to
handle everything.
So I think that's one thingthat happens.
So how can we build enoughresilience to be with the
(12:35):
discomfort of people, of themess, of whatever that might
look like?
Jo (12:41):
And that's how we start slipping into martyrdom, right?
Well, I'll just take it all.
I'll just do it all, becausewhat's the point?
I don't want to deal with theirmess, or I don't want to deal
with the discomfort, so I'lltake it all.
And then we wonder, when we'respending all our time juggling
or, you know, feeling, swimmingin resentment.
Oh, you know, this isn't fair.
And why do I feel this way,this way?
And well, unfortunately, youcreated your reality.
(13:04):
As much as you would like tonot think.
That's the case.
Jaclyn (13:09):
You did for a whole range of reasons that aren't
often your fault, but you get tobe responsible for changing it
yeah, it's like enabling it andand I think there is some truth
to the matter that it might bereally sucky to be with a mess
should said person fail to meetthe agreement that you agreed to
, right, um, there isconsequences potentially for the
(13:30):
dog and everybody watching that, which could be awful, and I,
and I think that's it.
I think we're just really don'twant to be with anything painful
, um, because for obviousreasons and there is a reality
to that but at the end of theday, we're going to make
ourselves crazy, trying to avoidpain all the time by taking
control of everything.
So, at the end of the day, weit's like we need to meet pain,
(13:54):
potential pain, and and learnhow to be with it, so that and
not only that, but not everysituation is going to be painful
Like it could be a really greatlearning or maybe they'll be
successful, like whatever,whatever it is, how can the
husband learned how to take moreinitiative and do more around
the house if we never let himfail or we never let the
(14:15):
employee take, take on thereport and stuff it up and and
then like we need to let peoplefail and that can be hard, right
, because it can reflect on us,but what do we do?
That's the better question,instead of avoid, like
preventing all of the mess, thepain or the failures that
reflect on you in some way andit does, in reality, right, like
(14:38):
there is a reflection on you atwork, there is a painful thing
if the dog ends up sick, likewhatever, so that my question is
what do you want to do aboutthat?
Because that's where your workis as a woman.
It's like what do I do whenthings are painful?
What do I do when there's afailure and it reflects on me
somehow?
Who am I going to be then,versus the person trying to
(15:00):
constantly like a crazy woman?
Stop all that from happeningwith over-functioning,
over-explaining, delegating butnot really delegating.
Jo (15:09):
And then, ironically, it usually ends up happening anyway
, because then you take on toomuch and then things slip
through the cracks, and so thefailure, the mess, is inevitable
, but we still don't accept it.
Then we lean into well, I justneed to do more, I need to
control more.
So it's ironic that we spend alot of energy trying to avoid
something happening and itbecomes a self-linked prophecy
(15:31):
anyway.
Yeah, so yeah, the irony of howwe live our lives is insane,
right?
Jaclyn (15:37):
it.
It's insane, it's crazy making.
But yeah, I think, if you takeanything from listening to this
episode, hopefully it's askingthat maybe a higher quality
question of who do I want to bein the face of failure or pain,
and am I willing to be to takethat risk on, or the risk of
success, versus tightlycontrolling everything, because
(15:59):
I'm too afraid to meet, to meetthose moments?
Jo (16:03):
Hmm, which, ultimately, is a question about how do we own
our power right?
We often talk about, yes, wecan boundary our time, we can
boundary our energy, but on theother side of those boundaries
is our true selves, is whatreally matters is our personal
power, is our opportunity tolive full, authentic lives,
which is the thing that mostwomen tell us constantly that
(16:24):
they want.
Instead of all of thisperforming and all of this
over-functioning, it's time toput that down and unlock what's
really there.
Jaclyn (16:33):
Yeah, so it's actually more about living your life
boldly and powerfully versusperforming really strong.
Does that make sense?
The performing really strongcomes with, like all these
golden handcuffs andmicromanaging, whereas living
powerfully is messier andriskier and more painful
(16:55):
potentially, but fruit more ismore freedom and authenticity
and self-expression.
So you choose your.
You choose your path.
Jo (17:05):
You choose your path, but we know that most women who come
to us want the power path.
They want the path ofauthenticity and freedom and joy
and fulfillment, because thatcomes with mess.
So if you are someone who isready to go deeper, we encourage
you to check out our boundariesworkshop, which includes a
bonus saying no guide, so you'regoing to get the actual
(17:27):
strategies to say no, as well asmore information on how to hold
boundaries.
So if you're ready to move fromknowing you should set
boundaries to actually holdingthem cleanly, powerfully and
without guilt, check out ourboundaries workshop.
It includes a bonus saying noguide and tools to help you stay
in your power even when it'suncomfortable.
(17:48):
Check out the show notes tolearn more.
Thanks for joining us today onthe balance and beyond podcast.
We're so glad you carved outthis time for yourself.
If you enjoyed this episode,please share it with a friend
who might need to hear thistoday and and if you're feeling
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(18:08):
If you're keen to dive deeperinto our world, visit
balanceinstitutecom to discovermore about the toolkit that has
helped thousands of women avoidburnout and create a life of
balance and beyond.
Thanks again for tuning in andwe'll see you next time on the
Balance and Beyond podcast.
Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for
ambitious women who refuse toaccept burnout as the price of
success.
Here we're committed toempowering you with the tools
and strategies you need toachieve true balance, where your
career, relationships andhealth all thrive and where you
have the power to define successon your terms.
I honor the space you'vecreated for yourself today, so
(00:25):
let's take a breath and diveright in.
You said no, you blocked thetime, you set the boundary, so
why are you still resentful andexhausted?
Because most women setboundaries in theory, not in
practice.
Today, we're revealing thesneaky ways your energy is still
leaking and how to plug thoseholes for good.
(00:47):
Jacqueline joining me today.
What is going?
Jaclyn (00:51):
on.
Jo (00:51):
This is an advanced concept that we're talking about and
that we see when people arespending a lot of, investing a
lot of time energy and money incontinual learning.
Jaclyn (01:00):
Saying no is kind of the first hurdle, right.
It's giving yourself permissionto say no.
So many of the women coming tous like that's the first
gauntlet.
But if you're tuning in, youknow you might still be working
with that gauntlet and you mightfeel like actually I have been
saying no.
Give yourself a pat on the backand we want to offer you a more
(01:22):
advanced way of checking inwith your power and your
boundaries around no.
So congratulations, you said no.
Now we want to ask you animportant question Are you
holding any apology around thatno?
Are you explaining, defendingyour no?
(01:45):
Are you secretly regretting itor feeling guilty?
So these kind of secret,stealthy, sneaky ways that our
energy is still bound up in whatfelt like an empowering choice.
Saying no, we were not totallyletting go.
(02:07):
So I know that there's threeways that you've broken this
down, joan.
We can go through each one ofthose if you want, but yeah,
that's just my.
My introduction is to considerthat saying no is the first step
.
Jo (02:20):
Yeah, Cause boundary leaks aren't always visible.
So this is what we're seeing.
Is that there's the obvious I'msaying yes to everything, I'm
completely overloaded.
But there is this more subtle,nuanced pattern that is really
important for us to share and,as we mentioned, this is
advanced levels.
So, first up, say no, reallyreally important.
(02:43):
However, there is a lot morenuance that sits under that,
once we've learned how to do it.
So let's talk about the firstway that we are leaking our
energy.
When it comes to boundaries,Jacqueline, this word emotional
over-functioning it's a no, butit's not.
(03:03):
What is it?
Jaclyn (03:06):
Yep, it's making sure that other people are okay with
your no, essentially.
So I said no, but now I got togo make sure that everyone's
okay.
I might have to bend overbackwards and make up for my no
in another way yeah, apologizingfor your no, and yeah, at the
(03:28):
end of the day, it's like youhave to earn back that no,
because I said no.
Now I have to make up for it.
So it's a sneaky way that wethought we could congratulate
ourselves for saying no and thenwe end up emotionally
over-functioning, overlycaretaking other people's
feelings.
Jo (03:48):
Yeah, and that's what it comes down to, isn't it?
It's something that we've notreally been taught how to do,
and that's how to be okay withothers' discomfort.
You've said, no, they don'tlike it.
Maybe they now have to dosomething they didn't want to do
, or they now have to go toextra effort, and we can't sit
in that we make it meansomething about ourselves that
(04:12):
we've overstretched, or we'renow mean, or we're selfish, or
all of these patterns that arereally, really prevalent.
Jaclyn (04:17):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, another way is to,because you're worried about
saying no.
So, to avoid saying no, you tokind of do all this gymnastics
to make life easier for thisother person, right, like it's
your spouse, and you don't wantto say no to picking the kids up
.
So then you go through all thisgymnastics of making okay, so
(04:38):
I'll make sure I pack thelunches for the kids.
So if he's going to, if I'mgoing to ask him to pick up the
kids because I'm going to say noto picking up the kids, then I
made it easy for him to pick upthe kids.
So now I don't even really haveto say no, because he'll
obviously want to pick up thekids, because I went all the
extra mile to make his lifeeasier, et cetera, et cetera.
So it's all this like extragymnastics, essentially to
(05:00):
soften the blow of our no or toavoid saying no or whatever.
It's a funny little thing we do.
Jo (05:08):
But it can be a huge energy leak, can't it?
You mentioned this?
Mental and emotional gymnasticsinstead of owning our no and
being clean in it, which is,let's be honest, a lot harder to
do.
Jaclyn (05:20):
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, absolutely, I mean this.
These are advanced conceptsthat we're introducing here,
like the first step is justgiving having the permission to
say no and then, once you say no, then you'll be contending with
all these other sneaky waysthat the people pleaser in you
is going to be rioting andyou're going to want to start
appeasing, and those are allenergy lakes, or power lakes, as
(05:43):
we like to say.
So, yeah, so it's important tostart looking out for this.
Jo (05:48):
Another way that we break these own boundary, our own
boundaries, without realizing itis we over-explain.
So this is part of the mentalgymnastics, isn't it?
We say no, but instead ofsaying no and just owning it,
what does over-explaining looklike?
Jaclyn (06:05):
Defending, basically just over-talking it.
But it's all about defense.
Are you sure you're going to beokay?
The reason why I'm doing it isthis reason.
It's all again around thediscomfort, like not, it's, it's
.
You give yourself thepermission, you say no and then
you're backtracking on thepermission you gave yourself.
(06:26):
So over-explaining is this wayof?
Is it okay?
Let me prove to myself and toyou that it is okay with all
this over-explaining.
Is this way of?
Is it okay?
Let me prove to myself and toyou that it is okay with all
this over-explaining.
I'm not being selfish, right,like just wanting that
validation from yourself, fromwhoever.
Yeah, explaining yourself awayreally.
Jo (06:46):
Yeah, and it can be really.
I guess you have to learn tostep into discomfort when you
start doing this, because I knowI used to be a big
over-explainer and I'm not asmuch anymore.
I recently said no to somethingat my daughter's school and I
had people almost fishing for myreason.
And I simply said I would loveto help, but now's not a good
(07:06):
time, and they almost werelooking at me like and.
Jaclyn (07:10):
And the reason why it's not a good time.
You must justify it.
Jo (07:14):
There's.
I don't need to justify that,it's my no, I sleep very well at
night.
That's my no.
And there was this but but.
But you can't, you can't justdo that.
And there's almost thissisterhood of we both
over-explain and we bothapologize and we both
over-justify and you're breakingthe damn sisterhood rule.
Jaclyn (07:31):
You're not Just do it that way.
It's actually so true, but Ilove that Be the rule breaker
and be the first person to set anew precedent, for my no has a
period at the end of it, andthat's good and clean and
awesome.
Jo (07:47):
Yeah, my no is my no, as you say, with no explaining.
And then another wayparticularly when it comes to
home and this happens at work aswell is how our boundaries leak
and become a bit more porous iswe will delegate, which means
we're not going to do the thing,but we don't actually let it go
fully do we, we don't fullydelegate it.
Jaclyn (08:10):
Yeah, totally, let it go fully, do we don't fully
delegate it?
Yeah, totally, micromanaging,hovering like helicoptering with
the kids or with people at workum, yeah, it's energetically
still managing it.
So you're not, you haven'treally delegated it.
You've delegated it the manuallabor, but not the mental labor.
So all three, like the threadthrough all three of these is
(08:31):
there's still this emotionalmental labor that you're
attending to.
Even though you said no, you'restill saying yes, with
investing your energy and your,your mental energy, your
emotional energy, which is a bigdistinction.
Jo (08:47):
Yeah, ironic right.
It's like, yes, I'm saying no,but I'm actually more exhausted
than ever, because it's reallyhard to say no.
Yeah, it's really hard to sayno, but it's even harder when
you say no and you continue toover-function, over-explain and
hold on to everything.
Jaclyn (09:04):
Yeah, oh, man, man, as women, we really we have a funny
agreement, we have a funnysisterhood, don't we Like?
Well, we're all in this stupidcontract together, this weird
agreement to over-function andall these things.
So nobody break the contract,but actually, please, somebody
break the contract.
Jo (09:23):
Show me that it can be done.
Jaclyn (09:26):
Yeah, and that's why women come to us, because this
is we're kind of like a placewhere women get to break the
rules and start a new precedentin their lives, right?
Jo (09:34):
And what is, I think, the hardest part when you delegate
and actually let go, you have tolet go of the outcome and how
it's done, which is what womenaren't very good at.
So one of the big things earlyon in my journey, I said to my
husband right, I'm delegating.
The dog needs to go to the vet.
We agreed that he was going todo it.
The old me would have checkedin once a week.
(09:57):
When's the dog booked in?
Do you need me to take?
When are you taking the dog tothe vet?
When are we going to fit thatin?
Have you booked the dog?
And I would constantly be thishypervigilant.
Has he booked the dog in?
Has he booked the dog in?
Instead, I just went.
You know what Worst case if thedog doesn't go to the vet for
six months, he has to wear theconsequences of that.
So this is what women areterrible at is we try to let go,
(10:19):
we try to delegate, but westill hold it and we still check
and we still worry.
It's like just do it in thefirst place.
So you either got to delegateit and be clean in your boundary
and understand that it mightget done differently to a
different timeframe, or as youget better at delegating, you
agree with the person you'redelegating it to.
So we need to book the dog intothe vet You're going to take it
(10:42):
, and when do you agree to bookthe dog in by?
This happens at work all thetime.
It's like here, can you takethis report off my hands?
But you don't actually say canyou take the report off my hands
?
But you don't actually say canyou take the report off my hands
?
I need three pages of thereport completed by next Friday
on my desk on this topic.
And then we wonder why we'reconstantly checking in and
nagging and resentful of thembecause we haven't done it
(11:05):
properly.
Jaclyn (11:06):
Yeah, yeah, it's.
Yeah, we haven't been taughthow to create those agreements,
to be explicit and then toreally let it go Right To once
the agreement is made.
Okay, I let, I let it fully go.
I'm not going to over function.
Make sure that that person'sokay and taking care of
themselves while they go makethe appointment for the vet.
(11:29):
I can trust that they can takecare of themselves while they go
make the appointment for thevet.
I can trust that they can takecare of themselves.
Same thing with, yeah, theover-explaining, the deli, all
of these pieces.
Oh yeah, I was like we don'twant to be with the consequences
in both ways, like what I meanis we don't want to let the
other person be with theconsequences because that's
painful for us to watch.
(11:49):
So if something happens with thedog and then your husband has
to deal with the consequencesbecause that's painful for us to
watch, so if something happenswith the dog and then your
husband has to deal with theconsequences, the dog has to
deal with the consequences andthen you have to watch those two
dealing with the consequencesand those are your consequences.
And I think that's what happensis that we were like, well, I
don't want those consequences ofthem dealing with the
consequences.
So I'm just going to eliminatethat to begin with, like it's a
(12:11):
weird mathematical equation thatwe already do unconsciously
immediately, like I'm just goingto avoid them the mess that
could result.
It might not even result, butjust in case that mess happens,
I don't want to be with thatmess and so I'm just going to
handle everything.
So I think that's one thingthat happens.
So how can we build enoughresilience to be with the
(12:35):
discomfort of people, of themess, of whatever that might
look like?
Jo (12:41):
And that's how we start slipping into martyrdom, right?
Well, I'll just take it all.
I'll just do it all, becausewhat's the point?
I don't want to deal with theirmess, or I don't want to deal
with the discomfort, so I'lltake it all.
And then we wonder, when we'respending all our time juggling
or, you know, feeling, swimmingin resentment.
Oh, you know, this isn't fair.
And why do I feel this way,this way?
And well, unfortunately, youcreated your reality.
(13:04):
As much as you would like tonot think.
That's the case.
Jaclyn (13:09):
You did for a whole range of reasons that aren't
often your fault, but you get tobe responsible for changing it
yeah, it's like enabling it andand I think there is some truth
to the matter that it might bereally sucky to be with a mess
should said person fail to meetthe agreement that you agreed to
, right, um, there isconsequences potentially for the
(13:30):
dog and everybody watching that, which could be awful, and I,
and I think that's it.
I think we're just really don'twant to be with anything painful
, um, because for obviousreasons and there is a reality
to that but at the end of theday, we're going to make
ourselves crazy, trying to avoidpain all the time by taking
control of everything.
So, at the end of the day, weit's like we need to meet pain,
(13:54):
potential pain, and and learnhow to be with it, so that and
not only that, but not everysituation is going to be painful
Like it could be a really greatlearning or maybe they'll be
successful, like whatever,whatever it is, how can the
husband learned how to take moreinitiative and do more around
the house if we never let himfail or we never let the
(14:15):
employee take, take on thereport and stuff it up and and
then like we need to let peoplefail and that can be hard, right
, because it can reflect on us,but what do we do?
That's the better question,instead of avoid, like
preventing all of the mess, thepain or the failures that
reflect on you in some way andit does, in reality, right, like
(14:38):
there is a reflection on you atwork, there is a painful thing
if the dog ends up sick, likewhatever, so that my question is
what do you want to do aboutthat?
Because that's where your workis as a woman.
It's like what do I do whenthings are painful?
What do I do when there's afailure and it reflects on me
somehow?
Who am I going to be then,versus the person trying to
(15:00):
constantly like a crazy woman?
Stop all that from happeningwith over-functioning,
over-explaining, delegating butnot really delegating.
Jo (15:09):
And then, ironically, it usually ends up happening anyway
, because then you take on toomuch and then things slip
through the cracks, and so thefailure, the mess, is inevitable
, but we still don't accept it.
Then we lean into well, I justneed to do more, I need to
control more.
So it's ironic that we spend alot of energy trying to avoid
something happening and itbecomes a self-linked prophecy
(15:31):
anyway.
Yeah, so yeah, the irony of howwe live our lives is insane,
right?
Jaclyn (15:37):
it.
It's insane, it's crazy making.
But yeah, I think, if you takeanything from listening to this
episode, hopefully it's askingthat maybe a higher quality
question of who do I want to bein the face of failure or pain,
and am I willing to be to takethat risk on, or the risk of
success, versus tightlycontrolling everything, because
(15:59):
I'm too afraid to meet, to meetthose moments?
Jo (16:03):
Hmm, which, ultimately, is a question about how do we own
our power right?
We often talk about, yes, wecan boundary our time, we can
boundary our energy, but on theother side of those boundaries
is our true selves, is whatreally matters is our personal
power, is our opportunity tolive full, authentic lives,
which is the thing that mostwomen tell us constantly that
(16:24):
they want.
Instead of all of thisperforming and all of this
over-functioning, it's time toput that down and unlock what's
really there.
Jaclyn (16:33):
Yeah, so it's actually more about living your life
boldly and powerfully versusperforming really strong.
Does that make sense?
The performing really strongcomes with, like all these
golden handcuffs andmicromanaging, whereas living
powerfully is messier andriskier and more painful
(16:55):
potentially, but fruit more ismore freedom and authenticity
and self-expression.
So you choose your.
You choose your path.
Jo (17:05):
You choose your path, but we know that most women who come
to us want the power path.
They want the path ofauthenticity and freedom and joy
and fulfillment, because thatcomes with mess.
So if you are someone who isready to go deeper, we encourage
you to check out our boundariesworkshop, which includes a
bonus saying no guide, so you'regoing to get the actual
(17:27):
strategies to say no, as well asmore information on how to hold
boundaries.
So if you're ready to move fromknowing you should set
boundaries to actually holdingthem cleanly, powerfully and
without guilt, check out ourboundaries workshop.
It includes a bonus saying noguide and tools to help you stay
in your power even when it'suncomfortable.
(17:48):
Check out the show notes tolearn more.
Thanks for joining us today onthe balance and beyond podcast.
We're so glad you carved outthis time for yourself.
If you enjoyed this episode,please share it with a friend
who might need to hear thistoday and and if you're feeling
extra generous, leaving us areview on your podcast platform
of choice would mean the worldto us.
(18:08):
If you're keen to dive deeperinto our world, visit
balanceinstitutecom to discovermore about the toolkit that has
helped thousands of women avoidburnout and create a life of
balance and beyond.
Thanks again for tuning in andwe'll see you next time on the
Balance and Beyond podcast.
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