Solonge's Story of Resilience: Finding Purpose Through Pain

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TW: Please be aware that Solonge's story speaks of the loss of her boys (stillborn)
When faced with some of life's toughest battles, how do we find the courage to push through?
In this episode of Baring it All, our remarkable guest, Solonge, a corporate communications specialist, wife, and mother with a heart as wide as the sky, opens up about her harrowing yet uplifting journey. Throughout her life, she has faced many tough battles from a young age, marked by her brother's drug addiction and the loss of her twins, Leo and Cruz at 22 weeks and 4 days ; it is a profound narrative of facing adversity with unwavering strength and grace.

Throughout this episode, Solonge shares her story and invites us into her world of complex family dynamics, intergenerational trauma, and her battles with body image and mental health. Her story transitions from the shock of discovering her brother's secret life to the anguish of her own personal tragedies. Yet, during her struggles, she finds resilience and the transformative power of mindset and helping others - her voice is a beacon for anyone navigating their darkest hours. It explores the depth of maternal bonds, the importance of personal healing, and the embrace of vulnerability as a source of strength.

As Solonge shares her path to recovery and growth, we are reminded of the importance of self-care, boundary-setting, and the beauty of finding purpose in our pain. Solonge inspires us to look within, confront our triggers, and possibly discover our wings to rise above and soar, just as she has. Join us for this raw, intimate, soul-stirring conversation, an ode to the incredible human spirit.

Find more about Solonge on Instagram @simplysolonge
*please note that Solonge’s twins were 22 weeks and 4 days when delivered. 
SANDS - Miscarriage, stillborn and newborn death support:
24/7 Bereavement Support Line: 1300 308 307

Lifeline Australia 131114

Connect with Rose and Chrystal on Instagram for more stories and fun mini-weekly catch-ups.
DM the girls, get involved with the conversations, and feel free to ask questions!
@baringitall_thepodcast
Rose Oates
@roseoates_
Chrystal Russell
@chrystalrussell_

And don’t forget to take care of yourself and each other -

With Love Rose & Chrystal x

Episode Transcript

Rose (00:05):
Welcome to Bearing it All with Rose and Crystal.

Chrystal (00:08):
Where the conversations get real emotions
run raw and nothing is filtered.

Rose (00:13):
Buckle up because we're Bearing it All deep, diving into
everything from motherhood tomental health and everything in
between.
We want to get to know you,each other and our bodies, and
things are going to get spicywe're spicy Raspassy.

Chrystal (00:26):
Are you ready for it?

Rose (00:27):
Let's do it.
Welcome to another episode ofBearing it All with Crystal and
Rose.
We have a special guest ontoday.
We have Solange, who is aself-confessed shopaholic, rap
lover and spiritual socialite.
She's a corporatecommunications specialist by day
and mama of five by night.
In 2018, her world was turnedupside down when she birthed her

(00:48):
stillborn twins, leo and Cruz.
As a result of her grief, manyof Solange's suppressed
childhood traumas came to thesurface.
She was faced with more thanmost will have to face in a
lifetime.
Known as the resilience queenby her inner circle, this is her
remarkable story of healing,finding her true self and her

(01:08):
inspiring plans for the future.
Welcome to the pod.

Chrystal (01:13):
Solange, we are so happy to have you on today.
Thank you for having me.
No worries at all.
We've been dying to get you on,thank you.
But we want to kind of start atthe beginning.
So I guess we're going to leaveit to you to just head us down
that path.
So I guess we're going to leaveit to you to just head us down
that path.

Solonge (01:25):
So I guess I'll start at childhood.
Yeah, for me I was born.
So my parents migrated toAustralia in 1985.
So mum was heavily pregnantwith me and by February of 1986,
I was born.
Sadly, when I was nine monthsold my dad left mum, so she had

(01:47):
three kids under the age ofeight and didn't speak a word of
English, so she had quite thebattle ahead of her.
So for the most part of my lifewe had a really really close
bond, my two.
I've got two older brothers andand I of my oldest brother
became my father figure, so tospeak, and he was incredible.

(02:10):
Like he'd pick me up fromschool and he'd.
I remember this one time he hada cardboard box and he popped a
brick in it.
So I thought it was somethingreally heavy because I made.
I was recruited into a netballteam and he put a brick in a box
and I was like, oh my God, whatis it?
What is it?
And I opened it and it was justa teddy bear.
So he used to do things likethat.

(02:30):
He was really sweet, he wasreally successful and
unfortunately it wasn't untilhis late twenties when he
started to dabble in drugsbasically, and it just
progressively got worse fromthere.
I think sort of one of thepivotal moments in my life was I

(02:51):
knew that he was using and itwas evident in his behaviours
and how he changed as a person.
But what happened was one dayI'd come home and he had he goes
, I got you something today.
And I saw a glimpse of that oldbrother and he handed me a
sunglass case and it was aVersace sunglass case and I was

(03:11):
like, oh really, these are forme.
And he was like yeah, yeah, Igot them for you today.
And as I opened the case,nestled between the sunglasses
was a needle and in that moment,my, my world, just, I, just, I
remember just pouring out withtears and I just, and he threw
himself back in the couch andwas screaming no, no, no,
because he'd realised he'dobviously forgotten it there

(03:33):
yeah.
And I just ran out the house.
I just remember running andrunning and running.
I didn't know where I wasrunning, but I, just, like it
was my world, just camecrumbling down this figure.

Rose (03:44):
Can I ask what was the world just came crumbling down
this figure?
Can I ask what was the agedifference between you?

Solonge (03:47):
um.
So there's eight yearsdifference between us and I
think I'm trying to rememberaround about how old I was at
the time.
I must have been maybe around18 or 19, I think, at the time
when I found I knew that he wasusing yep um.
At the time I just thought itwas meth, but I finding the

(04:08):
needle was just like soulshattering and he was like I
probably didn't paint a bigenough picture.
he was the boy.
So my mum was a real devoutcatholic and he was in church
groups growing up.
He'd go on like catholicweekends and and all this kind
of stuff and out of like thethree of our siblings he was
probably the one most involvedin the church and so it was so

(04:33):
out of character he would be thelast person on air if any of
friends would ever think woulduse drugs.
So that was the first sort ofshock.
And then to find the needlejust like absolutely ripped my
life apart.

Rose (04:46):
Yeah, it was like confirming your like you knew it
was happening, but it wasn'tsomething you wanted to admit
almost to yourself.
It was like finding it was veryreal.

Solonge (04:56):
Yeah, it was really difficult and um, and then it
kind of just spiraled from there.
We found out he had a propertyat the time and he was like, um,
like one of the top salesmen atBMW.
So there was, yeah, he.
It was just.
Everything came crumbling downand we slowly found out that he
had relapsed on his mortgagerepayments and at the time so by

(05:19):
this time I was 21, I think,and I was looking at a home and
land package and my mum came tome.
She was, like you have to saveyour brother's house.
Like this is his last straw.
You have to save him.
He'll lose himself this andthat and um.
So instead of buying myself aproperty at the time, I ended up
saving my brother's house, andwhat happened the year after was

(05:43):
just some of the most horrificstuff that I could have gone
through.
I had people ringing me withhis drug debts, bikeys and all
sorts of things, saying yourbrother owes me this, like you
need to pay.
I had people confront me aboutoh well, you know, we can work
it off together if you want.
Like, really like a lot ofstuff.

(06:06):
He became really aggressivetowards me.
I remember my work being onhigh alert because he owed some
people money and, yeah, it'squite.
I should have really given abit of a trigger warning.
But yeah, I remember one guyringing me and saying that he
was going to set my car on fireand I I was.

(06:27):
It was so bizarre, though I wasso fearless at that time.
I was so fearless.
I was like yep, sure, mate,this is my work address.
Come, I'll stand at the front.
I was just really fearless.
I just thought you know what,if this is my time, this is my
time, like I just I don't.
I really don't know who thatperson was, but it got me
through that time.

(06:48):
So I paid a lot of his drugdebts and things like that and
unfortunately, like thatbeautiful, like obviously what
killed me the most was not justthe financial.
So I ended up.
So I ended up, they ended upliving.
My mum and my brothers lived inthat home for a year and I
lived with my then boyfriend,now husband, yep, so I was

(07:11):
paying a mortgage for a house Ididn't even live in and it just
became too much.
I was like what is going onhere?
I don't even live in this house.
So we ended up selling.
I ended up selling the houseand the whole family were just
really upset at me.
But I was like I need to getout of this situation and I
remember giving my brother acheque for $90,000 and I took

(07:35):
$19,000 even though I had paidthe mortgage for a year.
I just didn't want anyone tothink that I'd made money off
his back or his property and soI walked away, not even covering
the the repayments that I hadpaid for that year, and I lost
my first homeowner's grant onthat home and I remember the
house settling on Christmas Eveand by January he had rang me

(07:59):
asking for money so he blew the90k already he blew it, whether
it had been debts, whether ithad been drugs.

Chrystal (08:06):
That's what I was going to ask you, like when you
said you gave him the $90,000check.
I've got family members thatare severe drug addicts living
on the street and I was thinkingstraight away when you said
that what's going to happen tothat money?

Solonge (08:18):
I think me.
I didn't want to give it to him, but at the time I was being
guided by my dad and my uncleand I kind of everyone was so
invested in what was going on.
I wanted to do what everyoneelse thought was right.
In my heart I was like this isthe wrong thing to do.
I wanted to put the money in along-term fixed account.

(08:38):
And when he got himself clean hehad a bit of a kitty to sort of
get his life back on track.
But no, they said no, it's hismoney, give him his money.
Yeah, I gave him his money andit was just gone.
It was gone yeah that was astart and um, we still have a
very broken relationship.
I've tried, you know, to repairthat um has he gotten clean

(09:03):
since?
no, okay, he did.
He did go to shalom house andhe did get clean for a year.
So shalom house is a rehabcenter for those who aren't
aware and they actually havecounselors and things there and
they actually did some mediationwith him and I to repair that
relationship and I was reallyreluctant to begin with because

(09:25):
there was so much damage done.
Obviously, as I said, thethreats, the, the physical
violence, like there was so muchthat I enjoyed with him.
But I was willing to put itpast because I knew that wasn't
my brother like and it's it'snot an excuse, but I loved the
human under all that pain.
He had some sort of pain and hejust wasn't processing it and

(09:47):
chose to go down the substanceabuse sort of line.
So he did go to Shalom Housebut he ended up his partner at
the time, he ended up basicallygoing back on drugs and he's now
back in prison.

Chrystal (10:05):
Oh, wow, okay, so you don't really have much contact
with him then.

Solonge (10:09):
No, so he hasn't really met my two younger children and
I mean, if I see him we're likehi, and it's really difficult
because when I see him I seethat soul is still in there.
But he's just really lost andreally he needs help.
But I've tried for too long andat some point.

(10:31):
I just had to say I need tostop, Yep.

Rose (10:34):
Yeah, and I think a lot of family members I've seen this
with friends that have, you know, family members that are also
addicts or that have struggledwith abuse through substance.
So they take it upon themselvesto try fix it and it becomes so
taxing on them personally andthere's got to be a time when

(10:56):
you're like I need to step outof this, not only, not because I
don't love you, but becauseit's harming me too and my
family.
So, yeah, it's a big thing foryou to have done and I think I
was very good poker face.

Solonge (11:11):
So I was always the bubbly person in the workplace.
In high school I was the sameum, it wasn't until a teacher
actually confiscated a book andI was writing in class and I
used to write poetry, and shewas like called me aside at the
end of class and was like what'sall this about?
It's quite dark.
I said, oh, nothing, nothing,but that was my way of

(11:31):
expressing itself and it stillis.
It's through my words.
So it was.
I just wanted to see everybodyelse happy.
But, that's, I guess, a big partof my journey which we'll come
to, is that I was so focused onmaking sure everyone else was
okay, I was really neglectingthe main person like, let's go
back to that.

Rose (11:50):
So putting on the facade which I think we're all so good
at, and it is very hard to totake down that wall when people
think that that's who you are, Imean I can relate.
You were saying you're alwaysthe bubbly, always the fun,
always you know people lookingto you for help and guidance.
Yet underneath the surfacethere was so much going on for

(12:14):
you.
When did you let that down?

Solonge (12:17):
I feel like it was escapism, so like I had this
pain going on at home and it wasa place where I could just be
me.
I didn't have to worry aboutthat stuff.
Like I was at school and I washappy and like no one really
needed to know.
Like my mum struggledfinancially, obviously a mum of
three on a single income.
Like I just I never thoughtI've always been quite a genuine

(12:41):
person.
I don't think I've ever reallybeen fake, but it was just I
loved seeing other people happyand maybe that came from a place
of just not having that at home.
So it was my place to go outinto the world and just show up
the way.
I want.
Maybe I felt like I couldn'treally express myself
authentically.

Chrystal (12:59):
You were safe at school.

Solonge (13:01):
Yeah, I was safe.
Yeah, I was safe to expressmyself and be myself and and
that kind of thing.
And that was, yeah, that was myhappy place yeah.

Chrystal (13:11):
So then, moving forward, after everything that
happened with your brother, kindof take us down that route of,
like different struggles thatyou've had to go through yeah,
so I think after my brothers, Ione of the biggest things was my
mum worked shift work.

Solonge (13:28):
She worked two jobs, obviously to put food on the
table and things for us, so sheworked at a hospital, so she'd
work late nights and things likethat.
And I found that I was fallingin a habit of comfort eating and
I wasn't aware at the time butI would just comfort eat and
just eat myself eat myself andthat was.
It was a way of almostmetaphorically like pushing

(13:49):
those emotions down, just like,and so, yeah, my weight sort of
spiraled and I put on a lot ofweight.
I remember at my wedding like Ido not have a single wedding
photo hung up at a house becauseI was the biggest I've ever
been and I was at the time atthat age, you don't really know.
Obviously I've done a lot ofhealing and everything now and I

(14:11):
recognize what that was, but Ijust was again in another way,
putting myself last, just eatingfoods for comfort rather than
feeling my feelings and actuallyprocessing.

Chrystal (14:23):
I know guilty, guilty I was like what was that?
I'll tell you what the amountof Tim Tam packets I ate during
my time.
Oh my God, I turned into a TimTam.

Solonge (14:35):
I was so bad and this is the first, I'm actually so
embarrassed to say it out loud Iremember like I would drive
through a McDonald's and getlike a cheeseburger, and then I
would drive to another suburband get like another one,
because I was like tooembarrassed to order two.

Rose (14:50):
You should have just ordered two meals, like it was
for two people.
It was so bad.

Solonge (14:55):
I just that's what I just used to comfort, eat um a
lot and, yeah, mum not beingaround, and I think at that time
as well, my mum started to loseher way.
Obviously, obviously, your sonbeing addicted to drugs.
My mum changed and that wasreally hard for me because
growing up I was so close to mymum, so so close, but then she

(15:15):
started to get her own mentalhealth battles which till this
day, she still struggles with,and our relationship is really
tested and it's different.
It's really different than whenwe were kids, like she.
You know, as kids we'd wake upand even though we were so poor,
like as a child, we used toSalvation Army used to come over
and bring a basket and we gotto pick a present out of it.

Chrystal (15:36):
That was my childhood.

Solonge (15:37):
You know lentils like for dinner three times a week,
I'm talking that kind of.
But no one knew and I guess Igot a lot of that from my mum.
So my mum would always have usin the best clothes, always have
us looking a certain way.
So she was so worried aboutwhat people thought we would
show up in a certain way, but atthe same time she was really

(15:58):
struggling and so, yeah, just myrelationship with her changed
and that was another difficultpart of the journey because my
brother was, like her, beacon oflight and to see him come
crashing down and I can'timagine.
I'm a parent now like I can'timagine the pain that would
cause.
So she's really different nowas well.

Chrystal (16:21):
I think, though, like her life, trauma is, like you
know, being pregnant, coming toanother country, you know, the
man of your life leaving you andyou having to bring up all your
kids, and then your son,turning to drugs like it's a lot
for her too, so it's a lot andshe had a lot of trauma from
Lebanon, so my parents obviouslygrew up during the time of the
war over there.

Solonge (16:41):
So, my mum saw a lot.
My, my mum also lost herbrother.
She witnessed.
Uh, sorry she didn't witness,but she walked in straight after
her brother was shot and shehad the same relationship that I
had with my oldest brother.
So she carried it.
She was, I think she was eightyears old and I was the first
person she ever told and I wasabout 17 and she told me what
happened that night and it's um.

(17:03):
So she's carried a lot of thatthrough her life, so she's got a
lot of pain and I guess thehealing journey that I've been
on at the like.
I resented her a lot as ateenager.
She wouldn't let me go to leaveit, she wouldn't let me do this
, she wouldn't let me do that,but I think she had such a
massive fear of losing controlbecause of what had happened
with my brother so she reallytried to control me, controlled

(17:25):
how I dressed, controlled and umbody issues.
Like I have to admit, my mum wasblessed genetically.
She was, you know.
She used to say to me oh, I waseight months pregnant with your
brother and I was 46 kilos, andI was like, wow, and so I was
probably, you know, comparing abit there.
Well, I think I was like a sizemaybe 12 in high school, which,

(17:50):
looking back in hindsight, isso normal, right, yeah,
absolutely.
But my mum I remember herstorming me out of a shopping
centre and being like, untilyou're a size 10, I'm not taking
you shopping.
Or a size 10 or an 8, I'm nottaking you.
And it was live at Caron Up,I'll be over 10 or an eight.
I'm not taking you.

Chrystal (18:04):
And it was live at.

Solonge (18:05):
Karen Up and remember how like that was, like and I
was like, I just bawled my eyesout.
So I was already that body.
Those body issues were alreadyinstilled from such young age
because she constantly used tocompare me to her and her figure
and obviously I took after moremy dad's side and more curvy
and more hourglass, so there wasa lot of that.

(18:25):
But I and more hourglass, sothere was a lot of that.
But I realise now that it wasjust projection of her own pain
and in some way, like I love mymum to bits, even through
everything, in some way I feellike my light irritated her
Because, no matter what I hadfaced, I was still so resilient
and bright and I still wanted.
I was positive and I stillwanted.
But she was really stuck inmisery and I think now,

(18:48):
reflecting back, maybe my lightreally irritated her and she was
trying to dull me down.

Rose (18:53):
That can definitely happen , absolutely.
You see it all the time, but Idon't think she would have done
it consciously.
Yeah, I agree, and I thinkthere's that ethnic in them, the
pride when you you say the wayyou know yous would be dressed a
certain way because they wereworried about how people think
and I can definitely relate tothat, having grown up in an
Italian family.
It was always Roseanne.
What would people think if youdo that?

(19:14):
And I was always like I wasalways more I don't care what if
let them talk.
So that was very confronting,even for my own family, so I
definitely relate to that myself.
But even with back then, withyour mum, they just didn't deal
with things.
No, they didn't know how.
No one helped them through it.
They were just told to shut upand put on the face.

(19:36):
Yeah, yeah, you know, don'ttell people your problems.

Solonge (19:39):
And I appreciate as well the difficulty.
Like you're moving to anothercountry, you have to learn the
culture and then I feel like andI'm sure there's a lot of
people listening I feel for uswhen we've been raised by people
who are from overseas, likeimmigrants, and you're growing
up in a totally differentculture, but your parents are

(19:59):
trying to raise you as in you'restill in Lebanon yeah makes
sense, so that I feel for mybrothers.
I have empathy for them becausethey are a little bit lost.
It's like how do I?
You want to fit in with theAustralian culture and your
friends and everything, but thenyou have these other values
that it.
So there's a real like, there'sa real imbalance, I guess, of

(20:20):
how you're supposed to be andhow you're supposed to show up.
Yeah, yeah.

Chrystal (20:25):
So then, obviously, you had your daughter.
Yes, well, first of all you gotmarried, yes, yes.
Then you had your daughter.
She was a little light of yourlife, yeah, she was.
So then take us down a bit oflike motherhood and your journey
there.

Solonge (20:43):
So Alea came along and she was, yeah, just the most
beautiful baby, such.
We were very lucky that she wasjust the most amazing welcome
to motherhood.
She was really good sleeper,like I hate saying it because
she was like a unicorn baby shewas.
I remember messaging a friend Iwas like, oh my God, she's
sleeping through the night atsix weeks old, like she was just

(21:05):
and she's still the mostbeautiful little soul.

Chrystal (21:06):
I'll never forget seeing one of the posts that you
put on um.
It must have been I don't knowif it was Facebook or Instagram,
but her big eyes and this hairand I was just like, oh my god,
she's such a beautiful baby.
She had such long hair.

Solonge (21:19):
I remember actually it's funny you say that at the
hospital they were like, do youmind if we take her for a walk?
And she had this mop there andthey were like parading her
around the hospital.

Chrystal (21:28):
It looked like a wig man.
It looked like a.

Solonge (21:29):
Lego.
You know what it looked like,Rosie?
It looked like a Lego.
You know the Lego?

Rose (21:32):
Yeah, the.

Solonge (21:33):
Lego.
That's what she looked like.
She had jet black hair and, ifyou of at Lowell Brown and yeah,
they were like parading heraround the hospital and feel
like this is so funny but yeah.
So Alaya came along and thenafter that we obviously decided
we wanted another, and I guessthat's where life got hard again

(21:56):
and I just kind of thought, oh,like haven't I dealt with
enough like really so sorry.
Prior to Alaya, I had amiscarriage, uh, it was.
I remember driving to work, Iwas on reed highway and I just
got this massive cramp and itwas an early miscarriage it was.
I was probably around six weeks.
Then we had a layer which was anormal pregnancy and she pretty

(22:20):
much went to full term.
And then after that that, justthings just started happening,
just lots happening.
After Alea I had I remember itbeing her first birthday and I
had some spotting bleeding and Iwas like, well, this is really
weird.
And I remember having, ofcourse, always the way I was

(22:42):
wearing a baby pink clay suitand I was like, oh my god, and I
was in so much pain and I wasreally sweating and I was like,
is it really hot at thisbirthday?
Um, I ended up.
I didn't want to bother, feelsounds terrible.
So I waited till the Monday.
I kept taking.
It might have been even longer.
You know that was my second.

(23:03):
I kept taking painkillers, justnorepinephrine, thinking I'm
just getting cramps.
I'm just getting cramps.
I didn't know I was pregnantand so I was just taking
norepinephrine, takingnorepinephrine.
Then one day I drove myself toKing Edward.
I didn't want to bother Phil atwork I was like I'm just going
to go to King Edward and checkyeah just like a gynecologist
check up or whatever.

(23:24):
And they said your tube hasruptured, you've had an ectopic
pregnancy.
You need to go straight intosurgery.
I was like what?
So I had to ring Phil and itwas like four o'clock in the
afternoon and I said I need togo into surgery.
And I was like why didn't youring me?
Why didn't you call me?
I was like I didn't want tobother you in case it was like a
false alarm.
I didn't want to, you know,interrupt your work.

(23:44):
So I ended up having surgery atlike 7.30 PM that night and
they removed my left tube.
So it was about a 10, 10 weekspregnant ectopic and yeah, so
that was my first sort of lot ofor second lot of, loss.
Yeah, and then from there weobviously I think when you lose

(24:11):
and a lot of people can relatethere's a part of your heart
that has so much love to giveand it's gone nowhere.
So we really wanted to try foranother child.
So we were trying.
And it's funny, like, not a lotof people know this story, but
Phil and I both really prayedfor twins, and so his uncles are
twins and my auntie and uncleare twins.

(24:33):
So we were like, oh, how goodwould it be if we got twins, how
good would it be if we gottwins.
Anyway, I fell pregnant and Iremember driving to the
obstetrician's office for ourfirst scan and I said I bet you
it's twins, bet you it's twins.
He's like don't say that.
And he was talking about sorry,he was talking about buying a
car and I said don't buy a caryet because we might need a

(24:56):
bigger one.
He's like don't say that.
He's like I can't remember whatcar he was looking at and I was
like don't buy it yet becausewe might need a seven seater
anyway.
We got to the scan and she'sscanning away and she's like,
and I said to her oh, I've got afeeling it's twins.
She's like.
Everybody says that kind oflike, just you know.
And then she's scanning andshe's like oh, there's one.
She's like I just saw herfreeze and she was like oh my

(25:18):
God.
And she was like there's twoand Phil just looked at me and I
just burst out crying and Ithought he'd be like, oh my God.

Rose (25:26):
But he was like so happy.

Solonge (25:28):
I've never seen him so happy in my life.
So, yeah, then we found out wewere pregnant with the twins and
, yeah, that was really reallyexciting and then obviously you
had a bit of tragedy with thetwin boys yeah, so at the time I
was documenting, as you know,crystal.
Crystal did our gender revealactually, and my dad was there

(25:51):
too.
I remember he was such abeautiful man and we just it
just kills me because I livestreamed my gender reveal.

Rose (26:02):
I remember seeing the gender reveal myself.
Yeah, I was.

Chrystal (26:05):
I set up the party and then I literally went in my car
and I was like waiting for thisthing and I was like I can't do
anything today until I seewhat's happening, yeah, so we
did the gender reveal andCrystal had carnival creations
at the time, she did thebeautiful grazing table etc.

Solonge (26:21):
and we had all our just really intimate close friends
and things and we found out wewere having two boys, obviously,
because I was going to havethree under almost two.
I think a layer was going to belike two and like one month or
two and two.
So it was going to be hectic.
So I remember as well at thetime we had just bought a new

(26:42):
car, so we had to go change mycar because we needed a bigger,
basically because all three kidswould be in car seats.
We had to go to baby shops.
I don't know if you remember mystories at the time, but I was
going to baby shops and puttingin three because they don't all
fit.
No, they don't it was only likethe Kluger or the Mazda CX-9 and
even I think the Prado the newPrado was narrower.
Yeah, because we just thoughtwe'll get a Prado and then they

(27:05):
were narrower so we couldn't getthat.
So it was like the choice oftwo cars.
So, anyway, we changed our car,we started changing life,
preparing.
We wanted to know what we werehaving, obviously because it was
going to be busy.
So we found out it was the twinboys and then I think it was
only like a couple of weekslater I went out, for it gets me

(27:26):
choked up every time.
We went out for my birthdaydinner and we went to Fritz in
Mount Hawthorne with my cousinand his fiance.
At the time we were havingdinner and I remember
complaining about howuncomfortable the chairs were.
I was like these chairs are souncomfortable, is anyone else
uncomfortable?
And they were like, no, no, andI was like, oh, these are so

(27:48):
uncomfortable.
I was whinging about thesechairs.
Then we went to, so we haddinner and then we're like
should we go to a dessert place?
We went to, so we had dinnerand then we were like should we
go to a dessert place?
We went to Measure in MountLawley for dessert and I was
still feeling reallyuncomfortable.
So I went to the bathroom justthinking I needed to go to the
bathroom and I had some bloodthere and I was like, and then

(28:09):
just my heart just sank and Icame back out and I said, phil,
I'm bleeding.
He's like it's okay, babe, it'sokay.
And I remember him grabbing myhand and he says, okay,
obviously because I had theectopic.
He just thought I was gettinginto like anxious about that and
he's like it's okay, it's okay,it's probably just a little bit
of bleeding.
Then we went home after and Iwas really uncomfortable.

(28:31):
I still was reallyuncomfortable.
I was still was reallyuncomfortable.
I remember laying down on thebed and then I just felt these
shooting pains in my lower backand I was like whoa, this is not
right.
How many weeks were you at this?
At this point I was 23 weeksand four days.
So I went into, I went sorry,yeah, I lay in bed, and I got

(28:52):
those shooting pains and I stoodup and I thought, oh, one of
them.
Obviously I never had a twinpregnancy, so I just thought
maybe one of them was sitting ona nurse.
So I'm rocking in my room, I'mjust like move, move.
And it didn't happen.
It feels like maybe you shouldjust call the hospital just to
be safe.
So I rang the hospital and theysaid, look, it's probably all
fine, but just pack a bag andjust come in.
I was like, yep, no worries, um.

(29:14):
And then so I should mentionjust going back a little bit in
2017 and Phil is not this well,he is now, but he at the time he
was not this person.
Phil and I went to Sydney andwe went to Tony Robbins, yeah,
and we went to like a four-dayconference and I feel like that
is so important in my storybecause the mindset that I had
to get through what was comingis so pivotal in the story.

(29:38):
So we got to the hospitalthey've done a scan and they
were like you're alreadydilating and I was like okay,
yeah, I was like, okay.
At this point I still thought,okay, I'm just going to have
preemie babies, cause therealways a risk with twins
obviously that they're going tocome early.
So I just thought, okay, thisis going to be hard, I've got a

(29:59):
two-year-old at home, but I'mgoing to be in and out of
hospital every day, likevisiting the twins.
This is what was going throughmy head and so they put me on
bed and the nurses were werelike you're going to deliver
within 24 hours?
And at that point I just saidno, and this is what I learned
from Tony Robbins.
He said like when we get, whenpeople get, a diagnosis of

(30:21):
cancer or terminal cancer is, ifyou accept it in your into your
subconscious, more than likelyin research shows that people
will pass away around that time.
So I refused it and they justthought I was nuts.
I was like no, I'm sorry, mysons are not going to be born.
And they were just looking atme like I was batshit crazy.
And Phil was like no, babe,we've got this, we've got this.

(30:45):
No, they're going to be fine,they're going to be fine.
And I went well past the 24hours.
So they said okay, great, so wecouldn't have any visitors at
the time.
Sorry, I could have only likereally close family.
So my older, the middle brother, sam, was there the whole time.
My cousin was there, phil's momlike there was a few just
really close people that werethere, phil's brother, and then

(31:09):
on I think it was day five theysaid we're going to move you up
to a ward.
We can't believe it like you'vemade this far, we're moving you
up to a ward.
It could mean you're in bedrest for like six days, six
weeks, six, however long for therest of your pregnancy.
I was like that's fine, we'lldo what we got to do, we'll
manage.
So they're packing all my stuffto move me up.
I've texted my friends sayingyou can visit.

(31:31):
They said you can tell yourfriends they can visit this
afternoon and then within anhour, like everything changed,
okay, um, they basically mytemperature started going up and
I started vomiting and feelingreally sick and I, because my
cervix had been open, I got aninfection and they pulled my

(31:52):
husband aside and said we needto get these babies out.
Like it's basically the babiesor your wife, like we need she
can get very sick very quickly.
I didn't know that at the time.
They obviously pulled him asideand yeah, sorry, I get sorry
that's totally fine um, so yeah,that was it, and then I just

(32:13):
had to.
I just, I remember the doctorand he was like patch adams,
like have you ever watched that?
And he said what can I do foryou, because I knew at that
point that there was so sorry.
Another thing that I missed isso no one really knows this,
unless you've been through it,but they don't resuscitate
babies if they're under 24 weeks.
Oh, I didn't know that so it'sactually a law so you have to

(32:42):
apply to.
We could have applied to thehigh court or I'm not sure
exactly the medical board orwhatever, but we didn't have
time so I absolutely did notknow that.

Rose (32:47):
I thought that I honestly thought and this is probably you
know, having, thankfully,having not had god I don't even
know how to say it now becauseI'm like, oh my god, it's so
emotional but um, that I thoughtthere was a chance they could
make it at like nearly 24 weeks,that well, phil's brother was
born at.

Solonge (33:06):
Phil's youngest brother , I think, was born at 26, I
think, if I'm correct, and atthe time as well, like I wanted
to delete my social media, getoff, like I couldn't believe
this was happening to me andfeels like you need to write
about this.
I was like no way, like I justwant to disappear, and I wrote
about it and I receivedthousands of messages.
My son was born at 24 weeks.

(33:28):
You've got this.
It's fine.
He's now 30 years old, he's so.

Chrystal (33:32):
People gave me so much hope and I was hanging on to
that, like I mean because even afriend of mine had her baby at
King Eddie and he was 22 weeks,I think.
I mean now he's still got somedevelopment things.
But that's why when I rememberseeing what you were going
through, I was thinking surelythey would be okay and I didn't
know they can't resus them.

Rose (33:52):
No, it's just wild time.

Solonge (33:54):
They said so we were three days short, Three days.

Chrystal (33:58):
Of them being able to be.

Solonge (33:59):
Yeah, oh, my God, so they.
And the other thing was,obviously you run the risk of oh
.
And the other thing was,because I had an infection,
there's no research.
There's obviously a lot moreresearch now, but there's no
research.
There's obviously a lot moreresearch now, but there's no
research to say that that hasn'tgone to the kids, so they can't
give you antibiotics oranything like that which they

(34:21):
have proven that helps thebabies.
So, yeah, I had to deliver thebabies and yeah, it was just I
remember the doctor coming up tome and he's like what can I do
for you?
And what do you say?
Like, what do you say in thatsituation?

Chrystal (34:35):
Did you know at that point that they were going to
come out and they wouldn't makeit?
Or you didn't know?

Solonge (34:39):
Yeah, well, they told me.
They told you they said that wecan't resuscitate them.
I'm in shock and they can'tbreathe on their own at that
gestation.

Chrystal (34:55):
So their lungs are formed enough to breathe on
their own.
So they would pass away as soonas they.
It makes no sense to me that,especially four days like come
on, so that's what they'resaying.

Solonge (34:59):
They're like you're in the gray, it's called the gray
area, so we can apply, but wedon't have time because I was
sick.

Rose (35:05):
Fuck the application it's what the hell?

Solonge (35:08):
I don't understand yeah , and then you run the risk of
the biggest thing as well wasthey were like they could have
severe, yeah, cerebral palsy.
They could have, yeah, braindamage.

Rose (35:19):
They could like all this stuff and it is oh, it's so much
for you to take in in this onemoment of it's so much and also
like I appreciate.

Solonge (35:30):
Maybe I would like even just speaking about now maybe
I've never expressed how much Iappreciate Phil, because at the
time my head is just like I'vegot to push these babies out and
then let go and then also makethis decision that could affect
my daughter as well.
So if I had two severelydisabled twins, that would
impact a layer as well.
And to be fair, they didn'treally ask me a lot of questions

(35:55):
.
They asked Phil because theysaid it was me or the twins.
Really, he said well, we've gotanother child.
Like that's, it's a no-brainer,like I have to make sure my
wife is okay.
First, um, and at one pointsorry I should say they thought
that they could save Cruz.
So Cruz was right up the top ofmy stomach, he was still um, he

(36:18):
was up high while Leo wasalready protruding, like he was
already coming out, and so atone point they thought maybe
they could keep Cruz in there.
Um, but that didn't, thatdidn't happen once I sorry, this
is before I got the infection,a bit all over the place, but
before I got the infection theythought that perhaps over the
place but before I got theinfection, they thought that
perhaps they could save thesecond twin, which was Cruz,

(36:39):
because he was sitting a littlehigher.
They might be able to stitch meup and keep him in there.
But once I got the infection itwas too late for any of that.
So, yeah, I remember the doctorbeing like patch on him.
He was the most beautiful manand he was like what can I?
I hate saying this, but he'slike what can I give you?

(36:59):
What do you want?
Do you want an epidural?
They're going to be small, it'snot going to be painful, but
what do you want?
I just said I just don't wantto feel my heart.
Oh, my God stop.

(37:20):
That's literally what I said tohim.
I was like I just well, give mesomething where I just don't
feel my heart because I justcan't, and so I think he gave me
value more, all this kind of hegave me value and and
everything, and I just I heldthem for like four hours I think
, just laid them on me and yeah,like fielded and my brothers
and my cousins and yeah, it wasjust really hard.

Rose (37:35):
Yeah, oh my god, no, don't be sorry.
This is why we have this pod.

Solonge (37:42):
It's uncomfortable, these are uncomfortable
conversations, and it almostfeels surreal like sometimes you
and I'm sure you can unless youfeel like you're talking about
someone else and you're like wow, did I actually go through that
?
Like it's just wow, like an outof body experience, that this
was actually you're talkingabout someone else and you're
like wow, did I actually gothrough that?

Rose (37:55):
like it's just wow, like an out-of-body experience, that
this was actually.
You're speaking about your ownexperiences.
But it's exactly why I thinkit's so important to talk about,
because this is not taboo, thisis life and not for a lot of
people.
Um, so I'm so proud thank you ofyou and to have you on speaking
about something so raw, but inthe fact that it can help so

(38:18):
many other people feel seen andheard.
Unfortunately, other people gothrough these things the same
and you are letting them knowthat they're not alone and thank
.
And your resilience isincredible Thank you so after
when did you actually likeprocess?

(38:39):
Like you were in the hospital.
You got to hold them for fourhours.
How did it go after that?
Like, where was your mind atwhat happened going home?

Solonge (38:52):
Well, they don't leave you in very long.

Chrystal (38:54):
I was out the next morning oh my god see that's,
yeah, that's where, like don'tthey think then about, like,
mental health?
Yeah, mental health, likeyou've just lost two babies, not
just one.

Solonge (39:05):
You've lost two babies, oh, and I remember walking out
and it's awful like I'm, I don't, probably don't even know what
I should say, but rememberwalking on those two heavily
pregnant women at the front ofthe hospital drinking alcohol
and it just killed me.
I was just like I did everythingright.
I didn't eat raw eggs, I didn'tdo this, I didn't do that.
And after everything I had beenthrough in my life, I just felt

(39:27):
like, why, like, why.
And then some of that childhoodprocessing came in, where I was
like, did I jinx myself?
You know how they like, didsomeone give me the evil eye
because I was sharing too muchonline?
like you know, and it's one ofthe things my mum said to me
yeah, mum's like why did you puteverything online?
why I told you to be moreprivate this and that and I just

(39:48):
like now I realize it was itwas none of that it really was
none of that.
Um, we got in the car and assoon as we turn on the car which
has become our twin song, andso many people message me every
time they hear on the radiobecause they're like, every time
I hear this song it reminds meof your twins.
Phil and I got in the car.
We were broken.
We were obviously so broken andliterally turned on the car.

(40:10):
The first song on the radio wasVance Joy's we're Going Home
and just the words and we justlooked at each other and we just
burst out crying and we justheld hands and we drove home and
Phil just like turned the musicup and ever since then that's
kind of become their anthem andevery time we hear it now it
gets, we feel a little bit morepeace.

(40:31):
But, um, it took a long time.
So afterwards I started writing.
Writing was my therapy.
It was really cathartic for me,but I started writing about it
on insta.
I had articles published onmamma mia and and all that kind
of thing, but what I did wasthrow myself into listening to
other people's stories, so mydms blew up like obviously from

(40:51):
the article.
A lot of articles went viral.
I did the throw myself intolistening to other people's
stories, so my DMs blew up.
Like obviously from the article.
A lot of articles went viral.
I did the run for a reason weraised $15,000 for the Women and
Infants Research Foundation,but what I was doing was I was
counselling all these otherwomen in my DMs through their

(41:12):
pain.
And it wasn't until I saw aspiritual healer and she held my
hand and she said you dorealise you're just bypassing
dealing with your own trauma.
Yes, she said I know it is goodwhat you're doing, a good thing
, but all you're doing isprolonging your own healing
because your help.
Again you've fallen into thatpattern of helping everybody

(41:34):
else but you actually haven'tprocessed what's happening.
So in 2019, so a year after Itook a full break from social
media, for I think it was likenearly two years.

Chrystal (41:45):
I think I died.
I was like stalking youraccount and there was nothing
coming up and I was just likewhere has she gone?

Solonge (41:53):
Yeah, I just disappeared.
I just like cutth cut through,I just had to disappear.
It's healthy it was for you itwas healthy and it was, and it
was also really difficult, likeI think a lot and I'm sure you
can, you can like um agree, or Ithink a lot with grief as well
is not only does it changes, itchanges you, but it changes your

(42:14):
friendships.

Chrystal (42:15):
It changes your purpose.

Solonge (42:17):
It changes so much in your life.
I suddenly, you know, would sitin conversations and I was like
I don't want to talk about thislike this doesn't interest me
like surface level just doesn'tcut it anymore, you're just like
, oh, like it's just there's somuch more so, in some ways, as
much as it's the hardest thingin your life you found.
You find such a deepness toyourself um, but it was hard as

(42:40):
well, because then I wasgrieving friendships that I'd
had for 20 years and I just Iknew that I'd outgrown these
friendships but I'd hung on tothem again like just a pattern.
So it was a lot of that, so alot of change and a lot of
growth.
Um, what I did going back toyour original question was I

(43:01):
obviously they refer you to apsychologist.
So I saw a psychologist through.
Uh, king Edward referred me toa psychologist and I did that
for a while and honestly I hadabout three sessions.
She was like you're totallyfine, what?
And I was like she's like lovethat.
And so then I remember a friendwho's now one of my best friends

(43:23):
, steph DeVideo, if you'relistening, and Steph invited me
to do her meditation course andthat was sort of the start of my
spiritual journey and it was asix week course and I started
that and then I did someone-on-one stuff with Steph and
that's kind of really where Ifelt like I started to heal and
I started to let go of the angerand the bitterness and the why

(43:46):
me?
And all of that kind of stuff.

Chrystal (43:48):
Yeah, Wow, that's powerful.

Rose (43:49):
It is, and it's that's where I think as well.
It's like you leave thehospital no longer our problem,
almost, yeah, and a lot ofpeople.
Where do we go from here?
Yeah.
So it is like it's veryinsightful to hear.

Chrystal (44:02):
Because also postnatal depression comes after the loss
of babies.

Solonge (44:07):
Yeah, and because no one talks about that.
Your milk still comes in,that's right.
You're still feeling likeyou're pregnant, so talks about
that, your milk your milk stillcomes in, that's right.
You're still feeling likeyou're pregnant, that's so my
milk came in.
I had to deal with that, to goto the doctor and get the tablet
to stop my milk.
It was um, and also like I, Ihad to deal with a lot of guilt
of having a two-year-old, andsome days I would just want to
lay on the couch and cry andI've I've done so much work to

(44:30):
make up for that time with alayer and and this is another
hard like it was, just likeeverything kept coming.
I remember them giving us apamphlet after we lost the twins
and it said 65% or somethingridiculous.
Don't quote me, but it was like65% or something.
Marriages end in divorce afterstillborns.

Rose (44:49):
Oh, thanks for that, that's just another thing we had
.
Why would they want that to you?
And I was just like, by the wayyou might get a divorce.

Solonge (44:54):
I was just like yeah, it was just like, the
information was just, and sothere was that too, because my
husband threw himself into worklike this.
I just for any mums that havebeen through it like I see you,
I feel like I was.
I was very much alone, like asin, my husband threw himself
into work and of course he wasdealing with his trauma in the

(45:15):
way that he felt best.
But you do get disconnected.
So we've done a lot of work asa couple to keep that connection
, because for me, I was tryingto be mum at home and I was so
lost, like I felt like no oneunderstood me.
I felt like and because as wellwhich both of you would
understand I would go to theshops and it felt like, honestly
, it felt like I had a dickdrawn on my head because

(45:38):
everyone was like come up to me,oh my God, you're the girl that
lost the twins.
Oh my God, you're the girl.
Oh my God, inna, lou, karen, upeverywhere.
I used to wear big glasses.

Chrystal (45:48):
Hide.

Solonge (45:48):
Not like.
I'm a big.
I cannot imagine how like topcelebrities do it.
They would just come up to meand it was just like reinforcing
the pain.

Chrystal (45:57):
But it's also insensitive, like, yeah, they
could just come up and be likeyou know, just don't even need
to say anything, and just touchyou and be like I'm here if you
need honestly to say thosethings is like I got so many
messages about do you maybethink it's because you got the
flu shot?

Solonge (46:13):
oh my god it was like the stuff that people deal with,
like you, just don't even likeit's why would you even say that
to someone?

Rose (46:22):
that's the thing I feel like so many people don't know.
You do not need to say you know.
All you need to say is I'm sosorry for your loss.
You, you can just be there.
You do not need to.
It happens for a reason, I wantto punch.
When I hear it happens for areason, I'm like what reason is
that mate?
Yeah, like it's wild that someof the comments that you must

(46:46):
have received and had to dealwith while you're dealing with
the loss.

Solonge (46:51):
I got like a lot of oh, or at least they weren't full
term, what that broke me a lot.
They were babies.
I birthed them and they werefully formed.

Chrystal (47:01):
They were babies.
They were babies.

Solonge (47:03):
They were beautiful and they were much bigger than the
nurses expected that came out.
So I've got a friend whomessaged me and was going
through a similar situation.
She was pregnant with twins andunfortunately lost one of her
twins and her son is now alittle fighter, he's born, he's

(47:23):
one, he's beautiful, but at thetime, like you know, when I saw
the weight of her babies and myboys were bigger, like they were
big boys, they were really andI see that in Jules, like my son
now, he's like a big boy.
So they were um, so yeah, someso many insensitive comments
that you had to deal with aswell, um, that people just don't

(47:43):
even realize.

Chrystal (47:44):
It was just so much to unpack it's the unfiltered
world, though like to be honest,even with dad's death, people
would say things and I'd be likemate, you don't say that, yeah,
yeah it's, yeah, it's alsobecause it's not talked about
they get awkward and they try to.

Rose (47:57):
They just want to make themselves feel comfortable yeah
something that makes them feelcomfortable in, in putting a
reason behind something.
Yeah, um, and I think yeah,that's why these conversations
are important, because it'seducation too yeah, I'm very
interested because I know formyself.

Chrystal (48:13):
When I went through grief, did you then head to the
food again after the boys?

Solonge (48:20):
No.

Chrystal (48:20):
Okay.

Solonge (48:21):
I think that was the second pivotal moment for me
after the boys.
I actually didn't eat for a longtime, um, so I lost a bit, and
then maybe I did a little bit,but not to the extent that I did
before yeah so I think, like mybrother, and finding out he's
using was like the first pivotalpoint in my life where I was

(48:41):
like I need to start honoringmyself and I think I oh I never
mentioned that I, after I soldmy brother's house, I actually
went back to uni and I got adegree.
I got a double degree.
So this was a second pivotalpoint for me and it was like I I
knew that I had a lot of toxicpeople in my life and losing the

(49:01):
twins just made me realise likeI just want to be around people
that make me happy, that thatfeeling that I can just be
myself.
And, like you said, I don'tthink I was ever fake, but maybe
I buried a lot of what happenedto me out of shame and so I
wanted to be around people thatjust loved all of that, that
loved all my story and didn'tthink, oh, do you really want to

(49:23):
share that?
Like, do you?
really want to.
Um, why do you do you want?
I remember when I startedsharing online about the twins
and people were like do youreally want to share?
I remember being judged forsharing their photo.
Some people that I knew werelike oh, how could you put their
photo up there?
Like that's really confronting.

Chrystal (49:38):
I said they're my son.
I thought I looked.
I remember seeing that photoand just bawling like I think,
for me.
I looked at the photo andobviously I was in pain for you
when I looked at the photobecause I just kept thinking how
were you feeling?
Because that's.

Rose (49:56):
I actually think the photo is one of the most beautiful
things to see.

Chrystal (50:00):
I think, because it's not shared that often, it was
real, it was raw, it is, and somany women like suffer in
silence.

Solonge (50:06):
And I think and for me I thought do you know what
killed me as well?
Again me thinking abouteveryone else, but at the time I
thought they were my second andthird babies, right.
But what about women that losefor the first, their first baby?
They don't get mother's day?
No, they don't get.
They don't get any of thatrecognition of being a mother
even though they've birthedchildren, right.
So I actually connected, like,with people from the east coast

(50:30):
and I've got close friends that,um, you know at the time lost
as well, and we still speak, wespeak on the phone, we voice
message, etc.
So it's just connected me withso many people and also just
more my soul sisters, likepeople that have, like we all
have baggage, but I think somepeople are just better at hiding
it.
Right, that's exactly right.

Chrystal (50:49):
It is definitely funny I found this too that that
after you've suffered some kindof trauma or some kind of grief,
the people that you thoughtwould have been there for you
actually sometimes are not 100 Ilost friends after dad's death.
And like obviously you did thesame with the boys.
Like, like, isn't it?
It's shocking.

Solonge (51:07):
Like what the hell.
It's really shocking.
Like the comment that I toldyou about them not being full
term, was like one of my closestfriends.

Chrystal (51:19):
Aren't you glad they weren't.
Full term was from one of yourfriends.

Solonge (51:21):
Yeah.

Rose (51:22):
Her closest, one of your closest friends.

Solonge (51:25):
And it just broke me and I was just like how can you
say that?
I remember it was we, someoneelse we know had lost a child
and I remember her calling meand she was like so devastated
for them, so devastated, sodevastated, and that was.

Chrystal (51:38):
She was really, really harping on and obviously I was
shattered is this after or aftermy twins and, oh, she was
devastated for them, but shedidn't act like that for you.

Solonge (51:46):
She was devastated for me, but I remember her going on
and on and on about this andPhil and I I remember opening my
Instagram and it was the firstpost I saw that these people we
know had lost someone.
And Phil and I were driving toLancelin.
I'll never forget and we bothbawled our eyes out, because
when you know that pain youdon't wish it for anybody else,
like nobody.

(52:09):
And I remember that conversation.
My friend and I was like oh,you do realize I've been through
the same thing.
She was yeah, but yours wentfull term and I was I was.
I am gobsmacked.
Yeah, I am a bit.

Chrystal (52:20):
I think too.
I'm proud of you that you'vedisconnected from that person,
because you don't need peoplelike that in your life.
Sorry, because that's just onecomment.
I'm sure she's made many othercomments to you that maybe you
haven't realized yeah, yeah, Ithink I had like um people.

Solonge (52:36):
You just outgrow people right like I'm not bitter
towards anyone.
I think everyone in your lifeis there for a season, for a
reason, yeah, and I do think,like in some ways, she helped me
play it safe all the time,maybe play it a little bit small
, I used to dull myself down alittle bit, just and so I think

(52:57):
you change and you grow and youand, yeah, like I still have
love for everyone that was in mylife and I think um, the
biggest lesson, I guess, inthinking like it's just come up
for me and reflecting on allthese people, is we need to look
at everyone in our life asmirrors, and even my brother, my
mom and everything.

(53:17):
At some point in my life I usedto resent them and be like why
didn't I get a better this, whydidn't I get a better that?
But without them I wouldn't bewho I am today and also know
like maybe I would have ended upon a path of addiction or or
destruction or misery, likedepression, if I didn't have
those mirrors there mirroringback how different people deal

(53:40):
with pain yeah so for me.
I look at mom and I'm like Idon't want to be depressed, I
don't want to yep you, I don'twant to.
You know I don't want to.
I'm 38 this year and she wasstill talking about the divorce
with my dad 38 years ago.

Chrystal (53:54):
She's still dealing with her traumas.

Solonge (53:55):
Yeah, and I'm like I don't want to be and that was a
big thing at Tony Robbins, likehe did some NLP work and when I
imagine, he's like imagine ifyour life didn't change at all,
what change at all, what wouldit be like?

Chrystal (54:14):
so I'm I'm actually really grateful for the people
that I've had in my life becausethey there are mirrors of what
I could be if I stay the sameand I don't change, and I don't
evolve, and continue to grow.

Rose (54:19):
I just learned a lesson.
I know it's a it's evolutionand it's also really important
to learn from others mistakesyeah.
I'm just quoted my dad, yeahthanks, dad, yeah but, um, it is
true, like what you're sayingis like I really I think me and
Crystal were just looking ateach other just then and going
yeah, we've got those peoplethat we resent yeah, when in

(54:41):
actual fact, maybe we should besaying, okay, thank you, because
I don't want to be like you

Solonge (54:44):
yeah, you know what?
It's such a powerful shift whenyou can shift to resenting or
hating them or being angry atthem, because you know who
carries the weight of that rightit's you it is us that carries
the weight, and so for so long Ifelt heavy, like I'm carrying
all this.
I'm carrying, I'm carrying um,and, like now, I just appreciate

(55:05):
the lessons that they gave meand I look at it and I'm like,
wow, you've taught me that if Idon't process my pain, it's
going to show up in another way.

Rose (55:14):
I'm just going to process it and if I don't process it,
it's going to end up with mykids are going to be the next in
line.
So, yeah, that generationalbreaking, generational trauma,
basically I bloody don't want todo that to my kids and that's
exactly why I'm doing the work,because the ones before me bless
my bloody lesser cotton socks,but they haven't done it.

(55:35):
Yeah, 100%.
So, moving on from that, youhave come such.
You've come like 360.
Oh, thank you.
Like it's a beautiful thing tohave witnessed um and to hear
your story.
So you've done the work.
Yeah, what has?
Where are you now like?

Solonge (55:55):
I think you, we always continue to do the work like we
do the work, and when we say wedo the work, it's just about
facing ourselves, right, yeahit's just about sitting with
ourselves and I think, um, forso long after losing the twins,
I really filled every day withstuff.
I'm going to do this, I'm goingto do that, I'm going to do this
, and I think I'm in a place nowwhere I'm stripping it right
back and I'm just trying to bereally present with myself and

(56:17):
my kids and like I want to giveback.
I think for me for all of thisto have happened in my life.
I used to see it as such a abad thing, and now I see it as
maybe this is my gift maybe thisis my gift to give back to
people that they can get throughwhatever it is.

(56:40):
They are overcoming anyadversity that they're facing.
They can get through it.
Um, I think you need to feel inorder to heal and that's a big
part and not distract that yeah,oh my god, that was me this
morning.

Chrystal (56:53):
I was like I'm just gonna feel it.

Rose (56:54):
Yes, I'm gonna listen to that after, because she won't
let me listen to it now.
But um, feel in order to heal.

Chrystal (57:02):
Yeah, I just wanted to repeat that there needs to be a
bumper sticker, I know but goddamn it.

Rose (57:07):
I know what it's like to sit in uncomfortable it's, it
feels like shit, and that's whyI like to be busy.
That's why you like to be busy,yeah, um.
So I think yes, let's repeatthat guys feel in order to heal.
This is one of her little bombshere that she's giving.

(57:28):
I just love her so much.
That's why I was, like, had tocut you off there.

Solonge (57:32):
Oh, honestly, because I think it's like in this society
, it's so easy to be busy, rightit's?
About the hustle culture.
It's about what we need to do.
And distracting ourselves,distracting ourselves.
But when we do that, we moveeven further away from who we
really are.
Yeah, move even further awayfrom who we really are.
Yeah, so I always just comeback to my heart what feels
right, what, what feels aligned,and go with that.
And, like I said, people inyour life you need to look at

(57:55):
them as your trick is anotherone for you your trigger is your
treasure.
You can thank Charlotte Beswickfor that one oh, I love her,
love her.
Your trigger is your treasure.
Like people that trigger me nowI'm like I have more love and
empathy and I look at them andI'm like what's going on for you
, like what I become curiousabout.
Do you get me?

Rose (58:14):
Oh, Crystal, Crystal's going mind blown guys.
I think sometimes we forgetthis is like a speaker.

Chrystal (58:20):
Trigger is your treasure.

Solonge (58:21):
Yes, I will try to embrace that, but right now I'm
thinking how I'll give you areally simple example, right,
some people, like someone showsup on stories and they're
talking, they're like, oh, whodoes she think she is right?
I've heard, like people aroundlike you see them judging and
it's because maybe in them theydon't have the courage to do

(58:43):
that.
Like so your trigger is alwaysreflecting back something at you
.
So maybe I know I struggledwith sometimes okay, a big one
for me, right, I'll be honesthere.
I struggled sometimes withpeople coming across like they
were selfish, right, because Ialways put people before me yeah
now I realized that trigger wasthere to show me that I needed

(59:07):
to be more selfish, right?
So I had a lot of people in mylife that were quite selfish,
like when I would do stuff forthem, but when it came to doing
reciprocating, I never receivedlike anything and I didn't
expect.
Don't get me wrong.
I never expected, but it justbecame recurring to me and then
when I identified I was likemaybe it's a lesson for me that
I need to look after myselffirst, and maybe you want that

(59:30):
for yourself and that's why itwas triggering you.

Rose (59:32):
Yeah, actually, that is something that I have done a lot
.
So whenever I'm triggered bysomeone, instead of getting
upset about like, if I'm jealousof something, I'm like, why am
I jealous of that?
Yeah, where's it coming?
from and then it's like is itbecause you want that?
And a lot of the time it'sbecause we do want something,

(59:55):
like we might say someone that'suber confident or whatever in
themselves, in their everydaylife, and someone else gets
jealous.
And who do you think you arelike?
You said yeah, and it's more sobecause I wish I could have a
bit of that.
I wish I could be a little bitmore confident.
So, it's about, yeah, alsomirroring your triggers.

Solonge (01:00:07):
Yeah, and sometimes it's not like directly.
Like sometimes people look atsomeone's life and they're like,
oh, I wish I had that car.
Maybe they have blockages interms of finances.
They don't think they're worthyenough to earn better money
Like do you know what I mean?
So it could be.

Chrystal (01:00:20):
I think my triggers are different.

Rose (01:00:23):
Go on, what's one?

Chrystal (01:00:28):
No, I just get I can't , even I'm not allowed to.
They're deep.
They're deep.
I'm going to dig it out.

Rose (01:00:33):
You will don't worry.

Solonge (01:00:35):
My triggers are it takes time, though right.

Chrystal (01:00:38):
I do have a little bit of those like I would call
those like superficial triggers,like I look at somebody and be
like oh yeah, I like that, or Iwant that or, or they were just
examples.
I don't have those triggers, ohyeah.
But I'm saying like, yeah, ofcourse I have those kind of
triggers, but sometimes I gettriggered by something and I
want to throw up.
I don't want to look at thatperson, I want to hide, like

(01:00:59):
they don't make me feel likeit's not, like I want that.
It's I don't want that, or Idon't have any boundaries.

Solonge (01:01:09):
Yeah, because honestly, like that's one thing that I
learned Like I was gettinganxious around certain people
like almost panic attacky and Iwas like I don't need this
around me.
Like we have a choice and it'sreally hard, I know it's easy
Like we say we have a choice,but we do have a choice.
This is we get one life andwe're the writer of it.
We get to choose who are themain characters in that story.

(01:01:32):
Right, that's true, absolutely.
And it's not that you need to,like, as I said, even with that
friend, like when I see thatfriend, I give her a hug, say
how's the family?
La la la, not just one friend,like a few that are no longer in
my sort of inner circle, butyou just have to know who you
want at the table.
It doesn't mean just because youdon't want them at the table,
it doesn't mean you don't wantto see them eat and thrive and

(01:01:53):
whatever.
It's.
Just you know who your peopleare.

Chrystal (01:01:56):
Yeah, I'm still learning.

Solonge (01:01:59):
I think we all are.
We all are, it's every day.

Chrystal (01:02:01):
So let's talk about what you want to do with your
future now, because I find thisso exciting.

Rose (01:02:06):
Yeah, I'm excited, come on .

Solonge (01:02:10):
Spill the tea girl.
So this has been a massive onefor me, trying to let go because
one of my biggest patterns ishanging on.
I've always had to survive, asyou've heard from the whole
story, so I've been reallyfinancially independent since I
was very young, like 15.
So I am in a corporate rolewhich obviously I earn very good
money in, but my passion hasjust not been there for a long

(01:02:33):
time.
And I've had to try and breakthat pattern of just hanging on
to something.
But yeah, my next steps are toget into the speaking and
coaching space and mentoring.
So I'm looking at doing acoaching course and starting a
women's sort of community andworkshops and one-on-ones and,
yeah, just giving back all thelessons that I've learned and
helping people overcomeadversity and find you know what

(01:02:56):
?

Chrystal (01:02:56):
I love the fact that you're going into this and
you've actually experiencedthings that are very
mind-blowing.
Trauma, because not saying thata lot of these coaches don't
know what they're doing, butsometimes they're coaching on
something they've never evengone through themselves.

Rose (01:03:10):
Yeah, but also we were talking about it before they
haven't done the work.
Like you have put in a lot ofwork and like you're saying, and
you still will and willcontinue to do so.
So I think, it's reallyrefreshing as well.

Solonge (01:03:24):
Thank you.
Thank you, yeah, I've done likeI've done Western medicine,
I've done, you know, thespiritual side.
I think I've done like a wholecollective to try and understand
.
I'm like it's it's probably agood and a bad thing, but I'm
someone that will over-researchsomething just so I, you know,
can have a full body.
But I think, yeah, a lot of thelife experience and the the
varying life experience.

(01:03:44):
I guess, I have a real abilityto connect with people on really
different walks of life becausethere's so much there that I've
unpacked Look.

Rose (01:03:53):
I have to say you are powerful.
It's not just your story.
I was actually going to come inand say your story is so
powerful, but it's not the story, it is you who are powerful.
Thank you, you have been morethan brave, thank you.
So it has just actually beensuch a pleasure to have you on
and to chat with you today.
I would love for you to sharewhere we can find you now, what

(01:04:16):
links we can put in for you, andI know that you are also doing
the HBF Run for a Reason tohonour your boys and to support
charity, so please fill us in onall of that oh, so you can find
me on instagram at simplysolange, and my website will be
coming soon.

Solonge (01:04:34):
It's a work in progress , so it's all the little things
tickling on behind the scenes.
Um, and I'll also share on myinstagram the hbf run for a
reason link if you would like todonate that would be great that
is amazing.

Chrystal (01:04:46):
Thank you for having me.
Oh my gosh, we are so gratefulto have you on.
Thank you, I know for myself.
I've I've literally known youfor years and years and I've
seen you go through the wavesand there's been moments where
you did disappear, and I'm sohappy now that this little
butterfly is blossoming andyou're coming out of your and
we're gonna watch you.

Solonge (01:05:06):
you fly, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I love that you've supported mefor so long.
I appreciate it.
No worries.

Rose (01:05:13):
I know, I think we've got to give you the backstory of the
cocoon, the cocoon, the cocoon.
We always feel like, at somestages of our lives, we're
either the caterpillar, you'rein the cocoon going through the
metamorphosis.
You're either drying your wingsor you are blossoming and

(01:05:36):
flying away.

Solonge (01:05:36):
So that's new tattoo ideas for her.
Yeah, I love it.
So that's where and my littlegirl shared that because my our
spirit animal.
As a family, we always see bluebutterflies and it shows up as
my twins so I love that.

Rose (01:05:45):
Yes, and the butterfly for me is always something that I
feel like is life.
It's transformation andevolution, and we always refer
to it as the cocoon.
That's how Rose's daughter saysit Cocoon she calls it in the
cocoon, and I think we can allput ourselves into that space of
life.
And so when she said you wereblossoming, and I think you are,
your wings are dry and you'reready to fly.

Solonge (01:06:05):
Thank you, thank you so much.
I'm excited.
No worries at all.

Rose (01:06:09):
All of her details we will pop in the show notes and when
her website is all ready and upand running, we will definitely
share it with you on ourInstagram and socials.
So thank you so much, Solange.
Remember, guys, to always takecare of yourself and take care
of each other.

Chrystal (01:06:28):
Bye.