September 24, 2025 • 16 mins
What if the “problem behavior” isn’t the problem at all, but a signal? This week, we flip the script on rewards and punishments and lean into tools that actually help neurodivergent kids (and their parents) feel safer, calmer, and more connected. When a child’s nervous system is in fight/flight/freeze, the “thinking brain” goes dim. That’s why lectures, sticker charts, and lost-screen-time threats fall flat. They assume choice and control that a dysregulated brain just doesn’t have.
In this episode, I unpack three simple, connection-first strategies you can try today: co-regulation before correction, offering bounded choices to restore a sense of control, and smoothing transitions so the brain has time to shift gears. You’ll hear quick snapshots: homework battles that soften with scaffolding, morning routines that move with choice, and playground goodbyes eased by gentle time warnings. These aren’t magic fixes; they’re nervous-system aware supports that lower threat, build trust, and grow real-life skills like flexibility and problem-solving.
We also talk about why this approach is teaching responsibility, without fear. Consistency, safety, and autonomy wire the brain for emotional intelligence, which is what carries our kids into teens and adulthood with the capacity to regulate, adapt, and take ownership. Start tiny, celebrate small wins, and watch the ripple.
Ready to feel less like a referee and more like an anchor? Listen now and try one small shift this week. Then tell me how it went. I’m cheering you on.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/329
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
In this episode, I unpack three simple, connection-first strategies you can try today: co-regulation before correction, offering bounded choices to restore a sense of control, and smoothing transitions so the brain has time to shift gears. You’ll hear quick snapshots: homework battles that soften with scaffolding, morning routines that move with choice, and playground goodbyes eased by gentle time warnings. These aren’t magic fixes; they’re nervous-system aware supports that lower threat, build trust, and grow real-life skills like flexibility and problem-solving.
We also talk about why this approach is teaching responsibility, without fear. Consistency, safety, and autonomy wire the brain for emotional intelligence, which is what carries our kids into teens and adulthood with the capacity to regulate, adapt, and take ownership. Start tiny, celebrate small wins, and watch the ripple.
Ready to feel less like a referee and more like an anchor? Listen now and try one small shift this week. Then tell me how it went. I’m cheering you on.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/329
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
They need to be able to shift from dysregulation to
regulation to manage big emotions and big responses from their
body throughout life, and that people who are able to
regulate best, who have a higher emotional intelligence, are the
ones who are happier and more fulfilled.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
(00:46):
if you want more support, join our free community at
hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Raise your hand. If you've tried consequences, rewards, or punishments
and your kid still explodes, melts down, digs in harder, yep,
I've been there. You're not failing. The traditional parenting system
is failing you and your kid. If you've been following
along the last couple of weeks, you know we've been
(01:20):
building a new way of looking at challenging behavior. In
episode three twenty seven, we talked about the animal instincts,
how your kid's nervous system shows up to keep them safe,
and it shows up like an owl or porccupine, a
cheetah or apossum. Then in episode three twenty eight, we
(01:40):
explored how to decode the signal that those behaviors are
sending you. And now in this episode we're taking the
next step. What do you actually do with that signal?
How do you respond in a way that doesn't just
shut down the behavior but actually helps your kid to
(02:02):
regulate and to grow and develop skills. That's where tools
that work a whole lot better than punishment and consequences
are going to come in. Here's the truth. When our
kids are just regulated, they cannot access the thinking brain.
You cannot reason, teach, or lecture. When a kid's nervous
(02:25):
system is in fight, flight or freeze. If their nervous
system is just regulated, their thinking brain accessibility is dim
or zero. It's like trying to explain algebra to someone
when their house is on fire. Their brain is not available, folks.
And that's why rewards and punishments tend to fall flat.
(02:49):
They assume choice and control. I want you to hear
me on that. Punishments and rewards and consequences assume choice
and control. But for many kids, their nervous system has
already hijacked their ability to choose. It has already cut
(03:11):
off access to that thinking brain and they can no
longer make choice. They are in full survival mode. Their
nervous system has taken over and taken control. Teaching requires
both safety and regulation. First, Without those consequences, don't teach.
(03:32):
They just add more stress. They tend to escalate the dysregulation.
So what are we going to do? Instead? I want
to share with you three connection first tools that you
can try today. Our first is coregulation over correction. Instead
(03:54):
of saying stop it right now, try instead, I see
your upsets. Let's take a break together. Your calm presence
is going to help their nervous system to settle. Secondly,
offer choices, Give small, bounded options. You could say, do
(04:17):
you want to do homework at the table or on
the sofa? It restores a sense of control because they
have choice, and it tends to lower resistance. And then
we want to focus on smoothing transitions. Number three. Many
a meltdown come from sudden changes. Sudden changes without the
(04:43):
skills to manage the emotion and potentially the executive function
that is required when there's a sudden change. So try
saying something like we're leaving in ten minutes. Do you
want a five minute reminder to you? That gives their
brain time to shift gears. It helps them to walk
(05:06):
up to that transition while staying regulated. Let me give
you a few snapshots of what these tools look like
in real life. One mom I worked with had a
son who always melted down around homework, as did my
own kid. She kept trying consequences, no video games until
(05:26):
your homework is done, but all it did was actually
escalate things. When she then shifted to coregulation, sitting with
him and saying, I can see this feels like too much.
Let's take one step at a time together, he seemed
to soften. They started breaking the assignments into tiny chunks,
(05:48):
and suddenly it wasn't as much of a battle every
night to do homework because he was provided with the
support in the scaffolding that he needed to make it
do a When things are doable, we're regulated. Another parent
told me about their daughter who resisted getting ready in
(06:08):
the morning. Instead of demanding compliance, they shifted to offering choices.
Do you want to brush your teeth before or after
you get dressed? Do you want to put on your
shoes before or after you eat breakfast? That really small
shift gave her just enough control to move through the
(06:30):
routine without screaming, without yelling, without escalation and transitions. I
can't tell you how many meldowns happen simply because a
kid's brain wasn't prepared to shift gears. One dad started
giving his son two reminders before they left the playground,
(06:55):
a ten minute warning and a five minute warning. Hey buddy,
in ten minutes, we're going to be getting in the
car and we're going to be leaving, or we're going
to be walking back to our house. Hey buddy, in
five minutes, it's going to be time to go. So
instead of dragging his kid, kicking and screaming to the car,
(07:16):
his son actually began to anticipate the change, to prepare
his nervous system for the change, and that transition became
easier and easier with that shift, and over time. These
aren't magic fixes, folks, There are no magic fixes, but
they do reduce the power struggles because they meet kids
(07:36):
where their nervous system really is. These strategies might feel softer,
more gentle than what you're used to. But I want
to share with you why they work. We're not giving
up expectations of how we act and interact with people.
(07:56):
We are just shifting to what's going to work better
at the moment and maybe slighting those expectations a little
bit down the road into the future.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
If you've been listening for a while, you're familiar with
my back to School prep Week, where I set neurodivergent
kids and their families up for success right when the
school year starts. There's another podcast that will help you
navigate the rest of the school year. It's called Opportunity Gap,
and it's all about special education. Let's be real, all
(08:32):
those acronyms alone I EP five, oh four, FBA, BIP
can be overwhelming. All you want is for your kid
to have the opportunity for success. Right you'll hear from
special educators, child psychologists, and other learning experts who know
their stuff and give you realistic advocacy tools. I listen
(08:55):
to Opportunity Gap and I was blown away. Julian Savedra
and his guests break it down in simple terms, highlight
where to focus your energy, and give you simple steps
to advocate efficiently. So if you've ever walked out of
a school meeting wondering what just happened, go search for
(09:16):
opportunity gap in your podcast app. That's opportunity gap. So
here's why these particular strategies are working. They lower the
nervous system's threat level. They're not giving that signal of threat.
(09:40):
They also build trust between your child and yourself, so
your child feels safe enough to learn, to listen, to process,
to take action. The relationship guides everything, Folks, it matters most.
It is the foundation for everything in your parenting. Building
(10:05):
trust is crucial. Another reason why these work better is
that they strengthen the problem solving and resilience over time.
We're not just helping kids regulate, but we're also building skills.
Instead of constant firefighting, you become a steady guide, a
(10:26):
steady anchor. You're not just reacting to their behavior. There
isn't this frenzy of emotion and reactivity. Instead, you're helping
your child to build the skills that they're going to
need for a lifetime. They need to be able to
shift from dysregulation to regulation to manage big emotions and
(10:49):
big responses from their body throughout life, and that people
who are able to regulate best, who have a higher
emotion intelligence, are the ones who are happier and more fulfilled.
These three strategies are actually just the tip of the iceberg,
(11:09):
but they're very powerful because they're flipping the script. Instead
of punishing behavior, you're supporting regulation, you're supporting the relationship,
You're supporting your kid's autonomy as well. Now I know
what some of you might be thinking. This sounds nice,
(11:32):
But shouldn't kids learn responsibility? Don't they need consequences to
prepare them for the real world. I can't tell you
how many times I've heard this from teachers, from other parents,
from family members. Sometimes this is what we're taught to
focus on, responsibility, consequences for actions, being prepared for the
(11:55):
real world, and how unfair it is. But here's what
I want you to consider. When we lean into connection
first tools. We're not avoiding responsibility. We're not avoiding responsibility,
We're teaching it in a way that sticks. Because kids
(12:17):
don't learn well from fear. Fear based parenting is damaging. Instead,
they learn from safety over time tools like corregulation, choices, autonomy,
smoother transitions. They do more than just prevent meltdowns. They
(12:40):
build trust, They teach problem solving. They give kids a
felt sense of I can handle things with support. With support,
that's what builds resilience. That's what helps them to grow
into teens and adults who can self regulate, who can negotiate,
(13:02):
who can adapt, and who can take responsibility. They will
be available and their thinking brain will be available for
all of those things, not because they're afraid of being punished,
but because they've experienced what healthy coping looks like. You're
(13:24):
fostering healthy coping. That's the long game, and it's worth
every bit of patience and practice and time that you
put into it at the beginning, that you put into
it now. Think of it as front loading. You're doing
more now, but it's going to save you later. Before
(13:44):
we wrap up, I want to invite you to pause
and reflect for a moment. Think about one situation your
home that keeps cycling and cycling and cycling. Maybe it's mornings,
Maybe it's meal times or homework, maybe it's bedtime. That's
a big one for many of our families. What usually
(14:05):
happens there? What tools have you tried? How could you
experiment with one connection first tool instead. Maybe it's pausing
to corregulate before you correct. Maybe it's offering two simple choices.
Maybe it's getting more transition warnings. Pick just one place
(14:28):
to practice this week. Please don't try to overhaul everything.
Just one shift in just one scenario, because even the
very small shifts ripple into big changes. Start very very small,
and you will be able to collect the snowball of
(14:51):
successes if you're ready for more. We have so many
more tools, insights, and scripts that you you can use
when we explore behavior in much more detail at the
free Behavior SOS Summit. Over four days, you will hear
from more than twenty four experts who each bring their
(15:14):
own tools that are going to work better than consequences.
Imagine building an entire toolbox for yourself and your kid
instead of trying those same tired scripts that aren't working.
It's free to attend the Behavior SOS Summit October tenth
through thirteenth, but if you want to grab the ALLXS
(15:34):
pass to keep the replace to have bonus sessions and
even join us for the live coaching lab that is
available to you as an option, but you can completely
watch all twenty four sessions absolutely free. Go to parentingadhdunt
sism dot com SASH summit and register for your free spot,
(15:57):
or grab your ALLXS pass and join us.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I really hope to see you there. The show notes
for this episode are at PARENTINGADHD in Autism dot com
Slash three two nine. I will link up the registration
for the summit there and I hope to see you there.
And as always, on the next episode of Beautifully Complex,
(16:19):
take good care, guys.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
you don't have to do it alone. If you found
this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
and leave a quick review so others can find this
support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
(16:45):
to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
more info at regulated kids dot com.
They need to be able to shift from dysregulation to
regulation to manage big emotions and big responses from their
body throughout life, and that people who are able to
regulate best, who have a higher emotional intelligence, are the
ones who are happier and more fulfilled.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
(00:46):
if you want more support, join our free community at
hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Raise your hand. If you've tried consequences, rewards, or punishments
and your kid still explodes, melts down, digs in harder, yep,
I've been there. You're not failing. The traditional parenting system
is failing you and your kid. If you've been following
along the last couple of weeks, you know we've been
(01:20):
building a new way of looking at challenging behavior. In
episode three twenty seven, we talked about the animal instincts,
how your kid's nervous system shows up to keep them safe,
and it shows up like an owl or porccupine, a
cheetah or apossum. Then in episode three twenty eight, we
(01:40):
explored how to decode the signal that those behaviors are
sending you. And now in this episode we're taking the
next step. What do you actually do with that signal?
How do you respond in a way that doesn't just
shut down the behavior but actually helps your kid to
(02:02):
regulate and to grow and develop skills. That's where tools
that work a whole lot better than punishment and consequences
are going to come in. Here's the truth. When our
kids are just regulated, they cannot access the thinking brain.
You cannot reason, teach, or lecture. When a kid's nervous
(02:25):
system is in fight, flight or freeze. If their nervous
system is just regulated, their thinking brain accessibility is dim
or zero. It's like trying to explain algebra to someone
when their house is on fire. Their brain is not available, folks.
And that's why rewards and punishments tend to fall flat.
(02:49):
They assume choice and control. I want you to hear
me on that. Punishments and rewards and consequences assume choice
and control. But for many kids, their nervous system has
already hijacked their ability to choose. It has already cut
(03:11):
off access to that thinking brain and they can no
longer make choice. They are in full survival mode. Their
nervous system has taken over and taken control. Teaching requires
both safety and regulation. First, Without those consequences, don't teach.
(03:32):
They just add more stress. They tend to escalate the dysregulation.
So what are we going to do? Instead? I want
to share with you three connection first tools that you
can try today. Our first is coregulation over correction. Instead
(03:54):
of saying stop it right now, try instead, I see
your upsets. Let's take a break together. Your calm presence
is going to help their nervous system to settle. Secondly,
offer choices, Give small, bounded options. You could say, do
(04:17):
you want to do homework at the table or on
the sofa? It restores a sense of control because they
have choice, and it tends to lower resistance. And then
we want to focus on smoothing transitions. Number three. Many
a meltdown come from sudden changes. Sudden changes without the
(04:43):
skills to manage the emotion and potentially the executive function
that is required when there's a sudden change. So try
saying something like we're leaving in ten minutes. Do you
want a five minute reminder to you? That gives their
brain time to shift gears. It helps them to walk
(05:06):
up to that transition while staying regulated. Let me give
you a few snapshots of what these tools look like
in real life. One mom I worked with had a
son who always melted down around homework, as did my
own kid. She kept trying consequences, no video games until
(05:26):
your homework is done, but all it did was actually
escalate things. When she then shifted to coregulation, sitting with
him and saying, I can see this feels like too much.
Let's take one step at a time together, he seemed
to soften. They started breaking the assignments into tiny chunks,
(05:48):
and suddenly it wasn't as much of a battle every
night to do homework because he was provided with the
support in the scaffolding that he needed to make it
do a When things are doable, we're regulated. Another parent
told me about their daughter who resisted getting ready in
(06:08):
the morning. Instead of demanding compliance, they shifted to offering choices.
Do you want to brush your teeth before or after
you get dressed? Do you want to put on your
shoes before or after you eat breakfast? That really small
shift gave her just enough control to move through the
(06:30):
routine without screaming, without yelling, without escalation and transitions. I
can't tell you how many meldowns happen simply because a
kid's brain wasn't prepared to shift gears. One dad started
giving his son two reminders before they left the playground,
(06:55):
a ten minute warning and a five minute warning. Hey buddy,
in ten minutes, we're going to be getting in the
car and we're going to be leaving, or we're going
to be walking back to our house. Hey buddy, in
five minutes, it's going to be time to go. So
instead of dragging his kid, kicking and screaming to the car,
(07:16):
his son actually began to anticipate the change, to prepare
his nervous system for the change, and that transition became
easier and easier with that shift, and over time. These
aren't magic fixes, folks, There are no magic fixes, but
they do reduce the power struggles because they meet kids
(07:36):
where their nervous system really is. These strategies might feel softer,
more gentle than what you're used to. But I want
to share with you why they work. We're not giving
up expectations of how we act and interact with people.
(07:56):
We are just shifting to what's going to work better
at the moment and maybe slighting those expectations a little
bit down the road into the future.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
If you've been listening for a while, you're familiar with
my back to School prep Week, where I set neurodivergent
kids and their families up for success right when the
school year starts. There's another podcast that will help you
navigate the rest of the school year. It's called Opportunity Gap,
and it's all about special education. Let's be real, all
(08:32):
those acronyms alone I EP five, oh four, FBA, BIP
can be overwhelming. All you want is for your kid
to have the opportunity for success. Right you'll hear from
special educators, child psychologists, and other learning experts who know
their stuff and give you realistic advocacy tools. I listen
(08:55):
to Opportunity Gap and I was blown away. Julian Savedra
and his guests break it down in simple terms, highlight
where to focus your energy, and give you simple steps
to advocate efficiently. So if you've ever walked out of
a school meeting wondering what just happened, go search for
(09:16):
opportunity gap in your podcast app. That's opportunity gap. So
here's why these particular strategies are working. They lower the
nervous system's threat level. They're not giving that signal of threat.
(09:40):
They also build trust between your child and yourself, so
your child feels safe enough to learn, to listen, to process,
to take action. The relationship guides everything, Folks, it matters most.
It is the foundation for everything in your parenting. Building
(10:05):
trust is crucial. Another reason why these work better is
that they strengthen the problem solving and resilience over time.
We're not just helping kids regulate, but we're also building skills.
Instead of constant firefighting, you become a steady guide, a
(10:26):
steady anchor. You're not just reacting to their behavior. There
isn't this frenzy of emotion and reactivity. Instead, you're helping
your child to build the skills that they're going to
need for a lifetime. They need to be able to
shift from dysregulation to regulation to manage big emotions and
(10:49):
big responses from their body throughout life, and that people
who are able to regulate best, who have a higher
emotion intelligence, are the ones who are happier and more fulfilled.
These three strategies are actually just the tip of the iceberg,
(11:09):
but they're very powerful because they're flipping the script. Instead
of punishing behavior, you're supporting regulation, you're supporting the relationship,
You're supporting your kid's autonomy as well. Now I know
what some of you might be thinking. This sounds nice,
(11:32):
But shouldn't kids learn responsibility? Don't they need consequences to
prepare them for the real world. I can't tell you
how many times I've heard this from teachers, from other parents,
from family members. Sometimes this is what we're taught to
focus on, responsibility, consequences for actions, being prepared for the
(11:55):
real world, and how unfair it is. But here's what
I want you to consider. When we lean into connection
first tools. We're not avoiding responsibility. We're not avoiding responsibility,
We're teaching it in a way that sticks. Because kids
(12:17):
don't learn well from fear. Fear based parenting is damaging. Instead,
they learn from safety over time tools like corregulation, choices, autonomy,
smoother transitions. They do more than just prevent meltdowns. They
(12:40):
build trust, They teach problem solving. They give kids a
felt sense of I can handle things with support. With support,
that's what builds resilience. That's what helps them to grow
into teens and adults who can self regulate, who can negotiate,
(13:02):
who can adapt, and who can take responsibility. They will
be available and their thinking brain will be available for
all of those things, not because they're afraid of being punished,
but because they've experienced what healthy coping looks like. You're
(13:24):
fostering healthy coping. That's the long game, and it's worth
every bit of patience and practice and time that you
put into it at the beginning, that you put into
it now. Think of it as front loading. You're doing
more now, but it's going to save you later. Before
(13:44):
we wrap up, I want to invite you to pause
and reflect for a moment. Think about one situation your
home that keeps cycling and cycling and cycling. Maybe it's mornings,
Maybe it's meal times or homework, maybe it's bedtime. That's
a big one for many of our families. What usually
(14:05):
happens there? What tools have you tried? How could you
experiment with one connection first tool instead. Maybe it's pausing
to corregulate before you correct. Maybe it's offering two simple choices.
Maybe it's getting more transition warnings. Pick just one place
(14:28):
to practice this week. Please don't try to overhaul everything.
Just one shift in just one scenario, because even the
very small shifts ripple into big changes. Start very very small,
and you will be able to collect the snowball of
(14:51):
successes if you're ready for more. We have so many
more tools, insights, and scripts that you you can use
when we explore behavior in much more detail at the
free Behavior SOS Summit. Over four days, you will hear
from more than twenty four experts who each bring their
(15:14):
own tools that are going to work better than consequences.
Imagine building an entire toolbox for yourself and your kid
instead of trying those same tired scripts that aren't working.
It's free to attend the Behavior SOS Summit October tenth
through thirteenth, but if you want to grab the ALLXS
(15:34):
pass to keep the replace to have bonus sessions and
even join us for the live coaching lab that is
available to you as an option, but you can completely
watch all twenty four sessions absolutely free. Go to parentingadhdunt
sism dot com SASH summit and register for your free spot,
(15:57):
or grab your ALLXS pass and join us.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I really hope to see you there. The show notes
for this episode are at PARENTINGADHD in Autism dot com
Slash three two nine. I will link up the registration
for the summit there and I hope to see you there.
And as always, on the next episode of Beautifully Complex,
(16:19):
take good care, guys.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
you don't have to do it alone. If you found
this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
and leave a quick review so others can find this
support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
(16:45):
to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
more info at regulated kids dot com.
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