October 1, 2025 • 14 mins
What if instead of asking, “Why is my child being so difficult?” you asked yourself, “What is my child’s nervous system trying to tell me?” That small shift changes everything.
As parents of neurodivergent kids, we’ve all had those moments when our child’s behavior pushes every button we have. The yelling, the defiance, the meltdowns! It’s easy to feel disrespected, rejected, or even attacked. And when that storm hits, our own nervous system often gets swept up, too.
In this episode, I share a different path forward. You’ll learn how to pause and anchor yourself in the heat of the moment, how to reframe behavior as a signal instead of a problem, and why repair matters more than perfection. These simple but powerful shifts bring steadiness for you and safety for your child.
This isn’t about controlling your child. It’s about grounding yourself so you can show up with the calm presence your child needs. Because when you feel steady, your child feels safer, and that’s where connection, growth, and resilience take root.
👉 Tune in now to discover how to handle those button-pushing moments with more calm, compassion, and clarity.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/330
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
As parents of neurodivergent kids, we’ve all had those moments when our child’s behavior pushes every button we have. The yelling, the defiance, the meltdowns! It’s easy to feel disrespected, rejected, or even attacked. And when that storm hits, our own nervous system often gets swept up, too.
In this episode, I share a different path forward. You’ll learn how to pause and anchor yourself in the heat of the moment, how to reframe behavior as a signal instead of a problem, and why repair matters more than perfection. These simple but powerful shifts bring steadiness for you and safety for your child.
This isn’t about controlling your child. It’s about grounding yourself so you can show up with the calm presence your child needs. Because when you feel steady, your child feels safer, and that’s where connection, growth, and resilience take root.
👉 Tune in now to discover how to handle those button-pushing moments with more calm, compassion, and clarity.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/330
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Instead of asking why is my kid being so difficult?
Try asking yourself, what is my child's nervous system trying
to tell me what is it signaling. This doesn't mean
that you're excusing hurtful behavior. It means that you are
looking underneath it, that you know there's more to it.
(00:28):
Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
(00:48):
if you want more support, join our free community at
hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Welcome back everyone. For
the last few episodes, we've been diving into the fact
that behavior is a signal, not a problem. We've talked
(01:11):
about how stress responses are like animal instincts. We've talked
about what challenging behavior really means, and we've looked at
a few tools that work better than consequences and better
than punishment. Today, I want to talk about something every
parent knows too well. The moments when your child's behavior
(01:34):
pushes every last one of your buttons. You know, those moments,
the yelling, the refusal, the big meltdown, the big emotions,
and suddenly you feel yourself teetering right on the edge too.
I've been there so many times, y'all. Today I'm going
to share some practical ways to handle those moments differently,
(01:58):
because that way doesn't work. The new ways bring more
steadiness for you and more safety for your child, and
sometimes safety for you as well. Whether you participate in
the Behavior SOS Summit that we've been talking about or not,
this is something that you can use next time things
feel really intense at home. And speaking of the summit,
(02:22):
Behavior SOS is happening soon October tenth through the thirteenth,
twenty twenty five. It's totally free to watch live, and
I've gathered twenty five experts to share tools, insights, scripts
that will help you better understand your child's behavior and
help you respond in ways that will actually work for
(02:44):
your neurodivergent kid. I'll tell you a little bit more
about it later, but for now, I want to dive
into today's conversation. Here's the truth. Most of the time,
when our kids are melting down. It feels personal. It
feels like defiance, disrespect, maybe even rejection or hurt. But
(03:10):
here's what I've learned and what I remind myself often
throughout my parenting behavior isn't the problem. I know it
feels like it, but it isn't the problem. It's the
signal when my kid yells I hate you, or refuses
(03:31):
to do what I ask, It's not really about me.
It's about their nervous system saying I'm overwhelmed, I'm not okay,
I need your help. Still. That doesn't mean that I
don't feel it in my body. My chest gets tight,
my jaw gets clenched. My own nervous system gets pulled
(03:55):
into that storm too. That is the way we are wired.
That's why we snap, yell, or shut down, not because
we're bad parents, but because we are human. I really
want you to hear me on that. We don't snap
because we are bad parents. We snap because we are human.
(04:20):
So the first thing I want you to know is
when your child's behavior pushes your buttons, your reaction is
a nervous system response too. It's not weakness, it's not
bad parenting. It's biology, folks. Biology. Here's a tool that
you can try the very next time things feel heated.
(04:43):
The pause and anchor sounds really simple, right, But it's
one of the hardest and most powerful things. We can do,
so very hard in the moment sometimes, but I promise
you I'm living proof of how powerful it is and
how you can shift into this type of response. The
pause means before you respond, before you say a thing,
(05:08):
before your facial expression of your tone says a thing,
You're just going to take a beat. Just take a
deep belly breath. Maybe you put your hands on your
chest inhale exhale. Maybe you even take a step back
so that you're not so close to your child and
(05:30):
in their space. Why does that work? It's so simple.
Why does that work? Because when you pause, you're interrupting
the automatic stress loop between you and your kid. Instead
of two nervous systems spiraling, you create space for one
(05:50):
of you to settle. And let me just tell you
that one has to be you first. It has to
be you first. You're the adult, You're the one with
the practice. It is you first. I like to use
a simple reminder for myself. Slow is safe. I just
tell myself slow is safe. If I can slow my voice,
(06:16):
if I can slow my body, if I can slow
my reaction, then it's going to signal safety to my kid.
Even if they're still yelling, even if there's still shut
down and not engaging, even if nothing at all changes
in the moment, it is still signaling safety. And here's
(06:38):
the real shift, guys. The pause isn't about controlling your child.
It's about grounding yourself. I know in those moments you
feel like it has to be about controlling your child
and controlling their behavior, but it is actually about grounding yourself.
That is what's needed first. Now, well, once you've paused,
(07:02):
the next step is to reframe the behavior. Instead of
asking why is my kid being so difficult, try asking yourself,
what is my child's nervous system trying to tell me
what is it signaling. This doesn't mean that you're excusing
(07:23):
hurtful behavior. It means that you are looking underneath it,
that you know there's more to it. Let's look an example.
A slammed door might be a signal of I feel powerless.
Refusing homework might signal this is too hard and I'm ashamed.
(07:45):
Talking back might really mean I don't feel seen or heard. Right, now,
in this moment, when you make these mental reframes, you
shift from judgment to curiosity, and that curiosity opens the
door for connection. I can't promise you that your child
(08:06):
is suddenly going to say thank you for seeing me, mom.
Wouldn't that be nice? Right? But I can promise you'll
feel steadier, and that steadiness changes everything. Your energy controls
the interaction. Okay, So let's say that you've paused, you've anchored,
(08:43):
you've reframed, but the moment still went off the rails.
Maybe you lost it and yelled, Maybe your child shut
down completely. Here's what I want you to know. Repair
matters more than perfect. Repair matters more than getting it
(09:03):
right every single time. So you can go back later,
you can say, hey, I wish I had handled that differently.
I got overwhelmed too. Can we try again? Think about
how that feels in your body for a moment. Repair
isn't about taking the blame for your child's behavior. It's
(09:25):
about modeling, honesty and regulation. You're showing them we can
get upset, we can get really messy, and we can
still come back together. We're still a team. That's the
skill that your child is needing the most. Not perfection. Repair.
(09:46):
So let's recap when your child's behavior pushes your buttons. First,
pause and anchor. You want to interrupt the stress loop
and regulate your nervous system. Second, reframe, shift from the
thought of bad behavior to signal what is it signaling?
(10:10):
And then third repair when things go off the rails,
when things break, when they don't go the way that
you wish they had come back together. These are small,
doable steps, folks, and they add up to much bigger
change and transformation because parenting isn't about never losing it.
(10:35):
It's about building a relationship where you and your kid
both feel safe enough to come back and to try again. Now,
if this resonates with you, if you want more scripts
like this, more tools like this, more, here's exactly what
to say in that moment. That's exactly why I created
(10:58):
the Behavior SOS Summit. From October tenth through the thirteenth.
You're going to hear from therapists, educators, parents, advocates who
get it. They get it, people who've been in the
trenches and found ways to create real change, real change
without shame, without blame, and without looking for quick fixes.
(11:24):
Each day of the summit, we have a theme that's
going to help you dive deeper into transforming behavior. First,
understanding the signal beneath the behavior. That's phase one. Phase two,
we're going to provide tools for regulation and connection. In
phase three we are looking at creating safe environments, and
(11:49):
then phase four is learning to advocate and grow. And
because I know these events can feel really overwhelming, We've
built in some grounding reminders, pacing options, and even an
all access path that lets you take it slow in
your own time, in the ways that work for your
(12:12):
nervous system. I hope you'll grab your free ticket at
behavior soos dot com. Before I wrap up, I just
want to remind you of this. You are not failing
just because your child struggles. You are not failing because
you sometimes lose it with your kid. You are human
(12:36):
and your child is human, and both of you are learning.
One of the quotes the anchors that I used to
lean into constantly when my kid was younger and things
were more challenging, was when you know better, you do better.
When you know better, you do better. Give yourself grace,
(13:01):
be kind to yourself because you are doing the best
you know how to do right now, and you are
here listening and learning to do better. That's all anyone
can ask. So next time the behavior feels impossible, try
the pause and anchor, try the reframe and trust that
(13:24):
repair is enough. And if you want more support, come
join us at the summit. I would love to see
you there. I would love to connect with you in
that sort of community environment. Until next time, I will
see you again soon. Take good care. I see you.
(13:46):
You're doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have
to do it alone. If you found this episode helpful,
share it with someone who needs it and leave a
quick review so others can find this support too. When
you're ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is
here with the tools, coaching, and community to help you
(14:06):
raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at
regulated kids dot com
Instead of asking why is my kid being so difficult?
Try asking yourself, what is my child's nervous system trying
to tell me what is it signaling. This doesn't mean
that you're excusing hurtful behavior. It means that you are
looking underneath it, that you know there's more to it.
(00:28):
Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
(00:48):
if you want more support, join our free community at
hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Welcome back everyone. For
the last few episodes, we've been diving into the fact
that behavior is a signal, not a problem. We've talked
(01:11):
about how stress responses are like animal instincts. We've talked
about what challenging behavior really means, and we've looked at
a few tools that work better than consequences and better
than punishment. Today, I want to talk about something every
parent knows too well. The moments when your child's behavior
(01:34):
pushes every last one of your buttons. You know, those moments,
the yelling, the refusal, the big meltdown, the big emotions,
and suddenly you feel yourself teetering right on the edge too.
I've been there so many times, y'all. Today I'm going
to share some practical ways to handle those moments differently,
(01:58):
because that way doesn't work. The new ways bring more
steadiness for you and more safety for your child, and
sometimes safety for you as well. Whether you participate in
the Behavior SOS Summit that we've been talking about or not,
this is something that you can use next time things
feel really intense at home. And speaking of the summit,
(02:22):
Behavior SOS is happening soon October tenth through the thirteenth,
twenty twenty five. It's totally free to watch live, and
I've gathered twenty five experts to share tools, insights, scripts
that will help you better understand your child's behavior and
help you respond in ways that will actually work for
(02:44):
your neurodivergent kid. I'll tell you a little bit more
about it later, but for now, I want to dive
into today's conversation. Here's the truth. Most of the time,
when our kids are melting down. It feels personal. It
feels like defiance, disrespect, maybe even rejection or hurt. But
(03:10):
here's what I've learned and what I remind myself often
throughout my parenting behavior isn't the problem. I know it
feels like it, but it isn't the problem. It's the
signal when my kid yells I hate you, or refuses
(03:31):
to do what I ask, It's not really about me.
It's about their nervous system saying I'm overwhelmed, I'm not okay,
I need your help. Still. That doesn't mean that I
don't feel it in my body. My chest gets tight,
my jaw gets clenched. My own nervous system gets pulled
(03:55):
into that storm too. That is the way we are wired.
That's why we snap, yell, or shut down, not because
we're bad parents, but because we are human. I really
want you to hear me on that. We don't snap
because we are bad parents. We snap because we are human.
(04:20):
So the first thing I want you to know is
when your child's behavior pushes your buttons, your reaction is
a nervous system response too. It's not weakness, it's not
bad parenting. It's biology, folks. Biology. Here's a tool that
you can try the very next time things feel heated.
(04:43):
The pause and anchor sounds really simple, right, But it's
one of the hardest and most powerful things. We can do,
so very hard in the moment sometimes, but I promise
you I'm living proof of how powerful it is and
how you can shift into this type of response. The
pause means before you respond, before you say a thing,
(05:08):
before your facial expression of your tone says a thing,
You're just going to take a beat. Just take a
deep belly breath. Maybe you put your hands on your
chest inhale exhale. Maybe you even take a step back
so that you're not so close to your child and
(05:30):
in their space. Why does that work? It's so simple.
Why does that work? Because when you pause, you're interrupting
the automatic stress loop between you and your kid. Instead
of two nervous systems spiraling, you create space for one
(05:50):
of you to settle. And let me just tell you
that one has to be you first. It has to
be you first. You're the adult, You're the one with
the practice. It is you first. I like to use
a simple reminder for myself. Slow is safe. I just
tell myself slow is safe. If I can slow my voice,
(06:16):
if I can slow my body, if I can slow
my reaction, then it's going to signal safety to my kid.
Even if they're still yelling, even if there's still shut
down and not engaging, even if nothing at all changes
in the moment, it is still signaling safety. And here's
(06:38):
the real shift, guys. The pause isn't about controlling your child.
It's about grounding yourself. I know in those moments you
feel like it has to be about controlling your child
and controlling their behavior, but it is actually about grounding yourself.
That is what's needed first. Now, well, once you've paused,
(07:02):
the next step is to reframe the behavior. Instead of
asking why is my kid being so difficult, try asking yourself,
what is my child's nervous system trying to tell me
what is it signaling. This doesn't mean that you're excusing
(07:23):
hurtful behavior. It means that you are looking underneath it,
that you know there's more to it. Let's look an example.
A slammed door might be a signal of I feel powerless.
Refusing homework might signal this is too hard and I'm ashamed.
(07:45):
Talking back might really mean I don't feel seen or heard. Right, now,
in this moment, when you make these mental reframes, you
shift from judgment to curiosity, and that curiosity opens the
door for connection. I can't promise you that your child
(08:06):
is suddenly going to say thank you for seeing me, mom.
Wouldn't that be nice? Right? But I can promise you'll
feel steadier, and that steadiness changes everything. Your energy controls
the interaction. Okay, So let's say that you've paused, you've anchored,
(08:43):
you've reframed, but the moment still went off the rails.
Maybe you lost it and yelled, Maybe your child shut
down completely. Here's what I want you to know. Repair
matters more than perfect. Repair matters more than getting it
(09:03):
right every single time. So you can go back later,
you can say, hey, I wish I had handled that differently.
I got overwhelmed too. Can we try again? Think about
how that feels in your body for a moment. Repair
isn't about taking the blame for your child's behavior. It's
(09:25):
about modeling, honesty and regulation. You're showing them we can
get upset, we can get really messy, and we can
still come back together. We're still a team. That's the
skill that your child is needing the most. Not perfection. Repair.
(09:46):
So let's recap when your child's behavior pushes your buttons. First,
pause and anchor. You want to interrupt the stress loop
and regulate your nervous system. Second, reframe, shift from the
thought of bad behavior to signal what is it signaling?
(10:10):
And then third repair when things go off the rails,
when things break, when they don't go the way that
you wish they had come back together. These are small,
doable steps, folks, and they add up to much bigger
change and transformation because parenting isn't about never losing it.
(10:35):
It's about building a relationship where you and your kid
both feel safe enough to come back and to try again. Now,
if this resonates with you, if you want more scripts
like this, more tools like this, more, here's exactly what
to say in that moment. That's exactly why I created
(10:58):
the Behavior SOS Summit. From October tenth through the thirteenth.
You're going to hear from therapists, educators, parents, advocates who
get it. They get it, people who've been in the
trenches and found ways to create real change, real change
without shame, without blame, and without looking for quick fixes.
(11:24):
Each day of the summit, we have a theme that's
going to help you dive deeper into transforming behavior. First,
understanding the signal beneath the behavior. That's phase one. Phase two,
we're going to provide tools for regulation and connection. In
phase three we are looking at creating safe environments, and
(11:49):
then phase four is learning to advocate and grow. And
because I know these events can feel really overwhelming, We've
built in some grounding reminders, pacing options, and even an
all access path that lets you take it slow in
your own time, in the ways that work for your
(12:12):
nervous system. I hope you'll grab your free ticket at
behavior soos dot com. Before I wrap up, I just
want to remind you of this. You are not failing
just because your child struggles. You are not failing because
you sometimes lose it with your kid. You are human
(12:36):
and your child is human, and both of you are learning.
One of the quotes the anchors that I used to
lean into constantly when my kid was younger and things
were more challenging, was when you know better, you do better.
When you know better, you do better. Give yourself grace,
(13:01):
be kind to yourself because you are doing the best
you know how to do right now, and you are
here listening and learning to do better. That's all anyone
can ask. So next time the behavior feels impossible, try
the pause and anchor, try the reframe and trust that
(13:24):
repair is enough. And if you want more support, come
join us at the summit. I would love to see
you there. I would love to connect with you in
that sort of community environment. Until next time, I will
see you again soon. Take good care. I see you.
(13:46):
You're doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have
to do it alone. If you found this episode helpful,
share it with someone who needs it and leave a
quick review so others can find this support too. When
you're ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is
here with the tools, coaching, and community to help you
(14:06):
raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at
regulated kids dot com
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