June 11, 2023 • 17 mins
Frank DeDominicis is a vintage DiSC trainer, former Big Brother, and Global Goodwill Ambassador. His skills-based work empowers individuals and teams. Frank's fun, interactive, interdisciplinary teaching approach helps to develop strategic growth plans, untangle Gordian knots, and learn productive conflict and emotional intelligence skills to boost productivity and personal fulfillment. DiSC is the world’s most trusted behavioral profile instrument with over seventy million users and another million users per year. To receive a free mini-DiSC assessment, email Frank.
What does DiSC mean?
DiSC is an acronym that stands for the four main personality profiles described in the DiSC model: (D)ominance, (i)nfluence, (S)teadiness and (C)onscientiousness.
#DiSC #everythingDiSC #productiveconflict #personaldevelopment #professionaldevelopment
DiSC Site
LinkedIn
UNDER THE HOOD .pdf
CONTACT INFO:
frank@frankdedominicis.com 303.219.0792 https://www.frankdedominicis.com/
https://www.everythingdisc.com/frankdedominicisassociates
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:09):
This is Edwin k Morris,
and you are about to embark on thenext Pioneer Knowledge Services because
you need to know a digitalresource for you to listen to folks
share their experience and knowledgearound the field of knowledge management
and nonprofit work.
If your company or organization wouldlike to help us continue this mission and
(00:34):
sponsor one of our shows, email,
b y n t k@pioneerks.org.
Well, we've danced through a volumeof information that you've presented,
Frank, but we're gonna end up yourthree part series talking about,
and especially I think it's poignantfor our current state of the world.
(00:59):
How about some productive conflict?
, you wanna fight, we know.
We know what destructiveconflict is, right? Yeah.
Let's, how about some productiveconflict? Let's, let's have a,
let's fight this out..
The world seems to haveinvested a heavy amount of,
as you had said in the first segmentabout tribalism, a tribal mentality,
(01:19):
which makes things prettyblack and white in beliefs.
And then everything getsto be a defensive posture.
How do organizations work through that,
regardless of what's goingon out there in a globe,
how does an organization address theirpeople to help alleviate some of the
conflict?
Well, in terms of tribal anger,
(01:39):
I would give a reference the greatleadership trainer, John King,
has written a number ofbooks on tribal levels.
I'll just plant that asa seed. Thank you. Uh,
the second thing isproductive conflict is new.
I was invited by the researchand development division of Wiley Publishing a few
years ago to test new instrumentsin the field and productive conflict
(02:02):
drew out from the depthof the D I S C research,
the emotional temperamentsand postures of the D I S C
and developed a profile that helpsus get a grip on our emotional ride.
I guess some people would say it'srelated to the blood sugar curve,
the insulin blood sugar curve. Mm.
We're in a different state of mooddepending on where our bodies are, uh,
(02:25):
in that blood sugar curve too. So I'mnot gonna get into the physical part.
Well.
Yeah, I mean that,
that's a physiological concept that Ithink a lot of people just kind of graze
on over as they're drinking their RedBulls and eating all kinds of junk. Well.
Let's suppose you and I had a fight,
wouldn't it be easier for us to havebreakfast or coffee together and
(02:45):
say, let's work this out rather than10 o'clock at night?, yeah.
Everybody, lord knows, everybody'sloaded up. Yeah, yeah.,
our emotional dollars arespent for the day and, and, uh,
Lord knows where our bloodsugar is at that point.
You know, and you bring up a point thatI'd learned a long time ago that it,
it is okay to deflecta conflict for later.
(03:07):
And it's kind of a corporateconcept when you say,
we're gonna table that for now, youknow what, that's a hot topic right now.
I don't have the energy around that.
Let's table it and schedule atime for tomorrow or Thursday and,
and it kind of, here again, it de-energizea lot. That thing a little bit.
I will, I will say honestly,I had the opportunity to, um,
(03:29):
spark and lose my temper once witha very valued friend and mentor.
And I realized it was moreimportant for me to express my
anger and to vent and toget back to the subject.
So my friend did the right thing andsaid, Frank, you're tired. Go to bed.
It was late. And, and we did.
(03:50):
And the next day I apologized forthe temper and we got back on track.
That's a good observation. You know,
when you've got somebody that's yourcounterpart that can observe and has
observed your behavior overtime. I have a certain,
somebody that knows when I'mhangry, hungry and angry or grumpy.
That's like, all right, all right,
you need to eat something cuzyou're a little out there. We can.
(04:12):
Take a tip from the 12 steps program,
the famous 12 step programdeveloped by Bill W and Bill c
I think I forget, and that is stopwhenever you're halt. H a l t, hungry,
angry, lonely, or retired. Just pause.Be be aware of the environment. Yes.
But once again, this is notabout conflict resolution,
(04:33):
it's about reading yourselfand your own first thoughts.
Being aware of when youreceive an ego bruise,
what is it you're saying to yourself?
What is that impulsiveself-talk For myself,
as I explained in an earlier session,I have a tendency, I hate to say,
I have a tendency to sulk when I'm notin the limelight. If I'm not on stage,
(04:54):
if I have to, you know, rotate the,
the role and be the sergeant and ofarms today instead of the speaker,
I must calm myself first. That's the veryfirst rule. Just like in martial arts,
it's before you go into a fight.You don't go in with a rage,
you go in calm with acalm mind so that your
reflexes can automatically makethe right decisions. Similarly,
(05:17):
with approaching conflict with someone,
as difficult as it might bebecause of hurt or angry feelings,
it's important to indulge in meditation.And I don't mean just being silent,
but really practice in meditation commonand trying to get to that place that's
of no thought. It's that spacebetween this thought and that thought.
(05:37):
And common oneself can actuallybring peace to the other person too,
and you won't be so easily triggeredby insults or keywords. Uh,
that hurt.
So how does an organization adoptwhat it sounds like a zen environment?
Yamaha used to send their, uh,motorcycles over here in the eighties.
I don't know if thepolicy's still here. Uh,
(05:58):
when we were fascinated withthe art of Japanese management,
which was really ideas that weregiven by demon, the instruction said,
open the box,
lay out your tools and pieces andthen sit quiet for a few minutes,
settle yourself before youbegin the job. What a good idea.
So how do you institute that other thanwhen you've got an organization of that
(06:21):
structure? If you've got a five personorganization, small nonprofit, let's say,
how does a nonprofit of a smallstature be able to engage productive
conflict and,
and maybe they're surrounded by tacticaloperations where there's no time
for such reflection?
Very good question. If there'sno time for the reflection,
(06:43):
if I was actually treating thisgroup of five person nonprofit,
I would have them read the profile,read their profile at home alone,
and spend time not just on thebasic level of interpretation.
Cause there's actually threelevels of interpretation.
There's the typical signs andsignals, the strengths and weaknesses,
(07:04):
there's the interpersonal piece,
and then there's the deeper motivations,
which are oftentimes whatwe call hidden thoughts.
So if we want to learn abouthow we react in conflict,
we must first look at our behavior,identify the associated self-talk,
oh, they don't like me, they'renot giving me the microphone.
(07:25):
And then reframe thatconsciously think, what else?
How else could I look at this? Oh,
they're not giving me the microphonebecause Joe still needs to conclude what
he's talking about. Or, or Maryneeds to make a point, or I don't,
I am really not needed in thisconversation. I should just be patient.
So having that discipline of checkingour first thought, our first impulsive,
(07:47):
instinctual thought,
these thoughts are revealed in the podcastassets that are built into an online
platform whereby these five peoplecould first study themselves,
but they can also map out the entire team.
And before they even meet for training,
they could see where everyoneelse lands on that circumplex.
(08:07):
And they can also do aone-on-one online dyad
comparison. So before they even comeinto the meeting and they can see, oh,
Edwin doesn't like whenI tease about blank,
or he finds this kind of phrase indisrespectful, oh, I didn't know that.
That's just my natural style.
(08:28):
So that would prepare peoplefor an actual training, uh,
to answer your questiondirectly, that, to do that study,
to to study themselves moreso themselves and last of all,
to look at what's called their resistancemeter for each of these diad reports.
It'll say,
when planning with Edwin noticethat he likes to do this,
(08:49):
but you have resistance to this.
So there's a prescription, there'sa prescription out of all this.
Yes, absolutely. Okay. If someonedoes the homework, it works. Yeah,
I wanna say this though. You know, myone disclaimer, it's not a quick fix.
It takes time for people to change.
And those who are involved inleadership development know this.
That's why powerful leadership coursecourses are six months, a year,
(09:12):
16 weeks, whatever. It takes time.
There's no guarantee and it doesn'talways feel comfortable. However,
just like a bridge thatcan take a million tons,
it could take a few tons at a time.
The maximum is be prepared forthis type of meetin to feel a
little bit uncomfortablefor a short period of time.
Others will appreciate that, and the nextmeeting will be even more harmonious.
(09:36):
And yes,
you will get to that levelwhere differences can be acknowledged and discussed
objectively.
Well, is it your position to thinkthat organizations should turn,
uh, turn about organizational, uh, divots,
I'll I'll say disconnectsand educate them? Uh,
that conflict is not bad and youhave that like, you know what, Hey,
(09:59):
I wanna say something here. Uh,if you've got an opposing view,
the organization has to set thestage or the build the scene.
You're safe to do this. You know, yes.
If given that the organization isworking as their mission is to do
x, you know, hey,
I'm not arguing with you just becauseyou got a red truck and I've got a blue
(10:21):
one, I'm arguing because there's somethingthat's mission critical or mission
effective that needs tobe voiced. And so that's,
I think there's a characterflaw. I, I don't wanna say flaw.
There's a character lack andsome people that can see things,
they observe things, they feel things,
but they will not voice anythingbecause they're fearful.
(10:42):
You're actually describing the puresea, the one that doesn't want conflict.
Now, now none of thosestyles like conflict,
but they approach it in different ways.
The Ss and Cs particularlydon't like conflict.
But if you're inviting me to a teammeeting the five people at the nonprofit
and we know we're gonna discussdifferences and you open it up,
(11:04):
you're the leader withsaying, above all else,
let's agree to certainprinciples. One is mutual respect.
The second one is total listening.
Let's be silent for at least 30seconds after someone speaks.
Because sometimes a speaker's collectingtheir thoughts to make a summary
statement or perhaps we need to absorb it,
(11:27):
but let's not speak immediately and haveanother one of those stupid meetings,
, where peoplejust take turns talking,
they don't really listen and helpthe other person reach the depth of,
of what they're discussing.
The third thing is patience and safety.
If a manager, if a leadercreates an environment of safety,
(11:49):
then the actual process ofproductive conflict will work.
So what's the definition of productiveconflict? Do you have one there?
Yeah, there's six steps to it. Thefirst one is focus on the issue,
not the person. Or as Gandhi mighthave said, fight the problem,
not the person. Secondly,communicate openly and honestly.
(12:11):
You have a right to your feelings.No matter how crazy they are.
or what youknow, Freudian trigger,
they hit you have aright to your feelings.
, wait a minute.
Now you don't have to listen to theinternal imprint voice of whoever that
childhood, uh, voice is saying,oh, you shouldn't be crying.
You shouldn't be this,you shouldn't be that.
(12:33):
No, no. Feelings are the richness ofexperience. Anger is not a bad thing.
It got such a bad rap. Just likeDs get a here, the Ds are biased.
Oftentimes the other three seemfriendly, but you know, we pick on those.
But the reason for that, what's wrongwith conflict? It happens all the time.
Geez, my, my family is the family thatputs fun into dysfunctional.
(12:54):
You know, let's welcome, let's welcomedifferences, let's fuck it out.
We we're not gonna die. We'renot gonna eat each other.
We're still gonna have a lifeafter this meeting. And uh,
what's the worst that happens that werealized we said something stupid or,
or we misspoke.
And I think the intensity offear around conflict is so, uh,
(13:14):
exaggerating. But it.
Exacerbated, right?
It's exacerbated by all those socialconstructs that people grow up
with.
I was taught as a child don't fight,and then I was taught to fight.
That's.
Really great. Well, how crazy makingis that? So now I know. Yeah,
I know. We had, you know, in, in talkingto my hypothetical other, I would say,
yeah, I know we're in conflict, butlet's fight the problem. Let, let's,
(13:38):
let's not have this be something thatstays on our grudge file that comes up in
our memory. You know,
hating another person or holding a grudgeor holding a a list of judgments about
someone else is like renting your headspace to someone that could be better put
to be in present now. And tobe focusing on future goals.
I wanna share with you six thingsthat are important to productive
(14:03):
conflict. I've already mentionedfocusing on the person, not the problem.
Communicating openly and honesty,seeking common ground. Once again,
that could be the thinnest thing. Weboth love pizza,, whatever. Look,
we both work at the same companyand we both wanna see this succeed.
Anything statement that uses the word wein it. And of course active listening,
(14:25):
which we don't do enough. Iknow we do empathetic listening,
behavioral interviewing stresses that,
but active listening really includesthat feedback loop that we often forget
about or we don't make notes of theconversation to reflect back later.
The next thing is using problem solvingtechniques. There's the SWOT analysis,
(14:46):
there's the five why's, there'sproblem solving processes,
there's many different ways. And inthis particular hypothetical group,
it would be good to suggest some ofthese processes and see which ones are
acceptable to that group. Andlast of all, if necessary,
seek outside help. I was in one team,
(15:07):
there was a conflict between twoindividuals and it got so heated it seemed
like there was gonna be, you know,almost on the verge of fist, the cuffs.
If you've ever been in an environmentwhere there's a fight's about to break
out, you can smell it, right? Youcan tell when, oh my God, you know,
this is about to explode,it's gonna get ugly.
Thankfully to theinterpretation of the profiles,
(15:28):
you can see these yellow flags beforehandand you can call Frankie Dous or
someone else simply to walk through. I,
I had the opportunity to do this with aconstruction company, typical conflict,
the field and the office. And it went onforever with a false sense of harmony.
And it wasn't until wehad two sessions, one,
to look at the profile and tocommunicate honestly about the triggers.
(15:53):
And the second one to dig intothe real meat of the problem,
which ended up in a happy divorce.
The field person really wanted todo their own thing. This is common.
And the owner wanted the personto be the perfect employee.
Well that was just not gonna happen.So through honest communication,
that last session wound downwith the owner helping the
(16:16):
person leave and start their own business.
And he even offered to give support inspinning the other person off. Yeah.
And that person left did not leaveangry badmouth in the employer.
So it actually led toa positive dissolution.
Well, this has all beenextremely fascinating, Frank,
and I want to thank you for beinghere to share your knowledge and your
understanding and it's been very fruitfuland I hope the audience is ready to
(16:41):
behave in a different way.
, in closing,
I have a gift for anyone who wants tojust get a simple idea of where they might
land on the circumplex, not the completereport, but just a simple infographic.
I have a leadership mini profile.If they contact me through email,
I'll send a free mini d I s c.
(17:03):
All that information will be availableon the page and the show notes. Well,
thank you Frank. Take care.
You have just finished our latest becauseyou need to know a public service of
Pioneer Knowledge Services.
Please join us on LinkedInand find us@pioneerks.org.
This is Edwin k Morris,
and you are about to embark on thenext Pioneer Knowledge Services because
you need to know a digitalresource for you to listen to folks
share their experience and knowledgearound the field of knowledge management
and nonprofit work.
If your company or organization wouldlike to help us continue this mission and
(00:34):
sponsor one of our shows, email,
b y n t k@pioneerks.org.
Well, we've danced through a volumeof information that you've presented,
Frank, but we're gonna end up yourthree part series talking about,
and especially I think it's poignantfor our current state of the world.
(00:59):
How about some productive conflict?
We know what destructiveconflict is, right? Yeah.
Let's, how about some productiveconflict? Let's, let's have a,
let's fight this out.
The world seems to haveinvested a heavy amount of,
as you had said in the first segmentabout tribalism, a tribal mentality,
(01:19):
which makes things prettyblack and white in beliefs.
And then everything getsto be a defensive posture.
How do organizations work through that,
regardless of what's goingon out there in a globe,
how does an organization address theirpeople to help alleviate some of the
conflict?
Well, in terms of tribal anger,
(01:39):
I would give a reference the greatleadership trainer, John King,
has written a number ofbooks on tribal levels.
I'll just plant that asa seed. Thank you. Uh,
the second thing isproductive conflict is new.
I was invited by the researchand development division of Wiley Publishing a few
years ago to test new instrumentsin the field and productive conflict
(02:02):
drew out from the depthof the D I S C research,
the emotional temperamentsand postures of the D I S C
and developed a profile that helpsus get a grip on our emotional ride.
I guess some people would say it'srelated to the blood sugar curve,
the insulin blood sugar curve. Mm.
We're in a different state of mooddepending on where our bodies are, uh,
(02:25):
in that blood sugar curve too. So I'mnot gonna get into the physical part.
Well.
Yeah, I mean that,
that's a physiological concept that Ithink a lot of people just kind of graze
on over as they're drinking their RedBulls and eating all kinds of junk. Well.
Let's suppose you and I had a fight,
wouldn't it be easier for us to havebreakfast or coffee together and
(02:45):
say, let's work this out rather than10 o'clock at night?
Everybody, lord knows, everybody'sloaded up. Yeah, yeah.
our emotional dollars arespent for the day and, and, uh,
Lord knows where our bloodsugar is at that point.
You know, and you bring up a point thatI'd learned a long time ago that it,
it is okay to deflecta conflict for later.
(03:07):
And it's kind of a corporateconcept when you say,
we're gonna table that for now, youknow what, that's a hot topic right now.
I don't have the energy around that.
Let's table it and schedule atime for tomorrow or Thursday and,
and it kind of, here again, it de-energizea lot. That thing a little bit.
I will, I will say honestly,I had the opportunity to, um,
(03:29):
spark and lose my temper once witha very valued friend and mentor.
And I realized it was moreimportant for me to express my
anger and to vent and toget back to the subject.
So my friend did the right thing andsaid, Frank, you're tired. Go to bed.
It was late
(03:50):
And the next day I apologized forthe temper and we got back on track.
That's a good observation. You know,
when you've got somebody that's yourcounterpart that can observe and has
observed your behavior overtime. I have a certain,
somebody that knows when I'mhangry, hungry and angry or grumpy.
That's like, all right, all right,
you need to eat something cuzyou're a little out there. We can.
(04:12):
Take a tip from the 12 steps program,
the famous 12 step programdeveloped by Bill W and Bill c
I think I forget, and that is stopwhenever you're halt. H a l t, hungry,
angry, lonely, or retired. Just pause.Be be aware of the environment. Yes.
But once again, this is notabout conflict resolution,
(04:33):
it's about reading yourselfand your own first thoughts.
Being aware of when youreceive an ego bruise,
what is it you're saying to yourself?
What is that impulsiveself-talk For myself,
as I explained in an earlier session,I have a tendency, I hate to say,
I have a tendency to sulk when I'm notin the limelight. If I'm not on stage,
(04:54):
if I have to, you know, rotate the,
the role and be the sergeant and ofarms today instead of the speaker,
I must calm myself first. That's the veryfirst rule. Just like in martial arts,
it's before you go into a fight.You don't go in with a rage,
you go in calm with acalm mind so that your
reflexes can automatically makethe right decisions. Similarly,
(05:17):
with approaching conflict with someone,
as difficult as it might bebecause of hurt or angry feelings,
it's important to indulge in meditation.And I don't mean just being silent,
but really practice in meditation commonand trying to get to that place that's
of no thought. It's that spacebetween this thought and that thought.
(05:37):
And common oneself can actuallybring peace to the other person too,
and you won't be so easily triggeredby insults or keywords. Uh,
that hurt.
So how does an organization adoptwhat it sounds like a zen environment?
Yamaha used to send their, uh,motorcycles over here in the eighties.
I don't know if thepolicy's still here. Uh,
(05:58):
when we were fascinated withthe art of Japanese management,
which was really ideas that weregiven by demon, the instruction said,
open the box,
lay out your tools and pieces andthen sit quiet for a few minutes,
settle yourself before youbegin the job. What a good idea.
So how do you institute that other thanwhen you've got an organization of that
(06:21):
structure? If you've got a five personorganization, small nonprofit, let's say,
how does a nonprofit of a smallstature be able to engage productive
conflict and,
and maybe they're surrounded by tacticaloperations where there's no time
for such reflection?
Very good question. If there'sno time for the reflection,
(06:43):
if I was actually treating thisgroup of five person nonprofit,
I would have them read the profile,read their profile at home alone,
and spend time not just on thebasic level of interpretation.
Cause there's actually threelevels of interpretation.
There's the typical signs andsignals, the strengths and weaknesses,
(07:04):
there's the interpersonal piece,
and then there's the deeper motivations,
which are oftentimes whatwe call hidden thoughts.
So if we want to learn abouthow we react in conflict,
we must first look at our behavior,identify the associated self-talk,
oh, they don't like me, they'renot giving me the microphone.
(07:25):
And then reframe thatconsciously think, what else?
How else could I look at this? Oh,
they're not giving me the microphonebecause Joe still needs to conclude what
he's talking about. Or, or Maryneeds to make a point, or I don't,
I am really not needed in thisconversation. I should just be patient.
So having that discipline of checkingour first thought, our first impulsive,
(07:47):
instinctual thought,
these thoughts are revealed in the podcastassets that are built into an online
platform whereby these five peoplecould first study themselves,
but they can also map out the entire team.
And before they even meet for training,
they could see where everyoneelse lands on that circumplex.
(08:07):
And they can also do aone-on-one online dyad
comparison. So before they even comeinto the meeting and they can see, oh,
Edwin doesn't like whenI tease about blank,
or he finds this kind of phrase indisrespectful, oh, I didn't know that.
That's just my natural style.
(08:28):
So that would prepare peoplefor an actual training, uh,
to answer your questiondirectly, that, to do that study,
to to study themselves moreso themselves and last of all,
to look at what's called their resistancemeter for each of these diad reports.
It'll say,
when planning with Edwin noticethat he likes to do this,
(08:49):
but you have resistance to this.
So there's a prescription, there'sa prescription out of all this.
Yes, absolutely. Okay. If someonedoes the homework, it works. Yeah,
I wanna say this though. You know, myone disclaimer, it's not a quick fix.
It takes time for people to change.
And those who are involved inleadership development know this.
That's why powerful leadership coursecourses are six months, a year,
(09:12):
16 weeks, whatever. It takes time.
There's no guarantee and it doesn'talways feel comfortable. However,
just like a bridge thatcan take a million tons,
it could take a few tons at a time.
The maximum is be prepared forthis type of meetin to feel a
little bit uncomfortablefor a short period of time.
Others will appreciate that, and the nextmeeting will be even more harmonious.
(09:36):
And yes,
you will get to that levelwhere differences can be acknowledged and discussed
objectively.
Well, is it your position to thinkthat organizations should turn,
uh, turn about organizational, uh, divots,
I'll I'll say disconnectsand educate them? Uh,
that conflict is not bad and youhave that like, you know what, Hey,
(09:59):
I wanna say something here. Uh,if you've got an opposing view,
the organization has to set thestage or the build the scene.
You're safe to do this. You know, yes.
If given that the organization isworking as their mission is to do
x, you know, hey,
I'm not arguing with you just becauseyou got a red truck and I've got a blue
(10:21):
one, I'm arguing because there's somethingthat's mission critical or mission
effective that needs tobe voiced. And so that's,
I think there's a characterflaw. I, I don't wanna say flaw.
There's a character lack andsome people that can see things,
they observe things, they feel things,
but they will not voice anythingbecause they're fearful.
(10:42):
You're actually describing the puresea, the one that doesn't want conflict.
Now, now none of thosestyles like conflict,
but they approach it in different ways.
The Ss and Cs particularlydon't like conflict.
But if you're inviting me to a teammeeting the five people at the nonprofit
and we know we're gonna discussdifferences and you open it up,
(11:04):
you're the leader withsaying, above all else,
let's agree to certainprinciples. One is mutual respect.
The second one is total listening.
Let's be silent for at least 30seconds after someone speaks.
Because sometimes a speaker's collectingtheir thoughts to make a summary
statement or perhaps we need to absorb it,
(11:27):
but let's not speak immediately and haveanother one of those stupid meetings,
they don't really listen and helpthe other person reach the depth of,
of what they're discussing.
The third thing is patience and safety.
If a manager, if a leadercreates an environment of safety,
(11:49):
then the actual process ofproductive conflict will work.
So what's the definition of productiveconflict? Do you have one there?
Yeah, there's six steps to it. Thefirst one is focus on the issue,
not the person. Or as Gandhi mighthave said, fight the problem,
not the person. Secondly,communicate openly and honestly.
(12:11):
You have a right to your feelings.No matter how crazy they are.
they hit you have aright to your feelings.
Now you don't have to listen to theinternal imprint voice of whoever that
childhood, uh, voice is saying,oh, you shouldn't be crying.
You shouldn't be this,you shouldn't be that.
(12:33):
No, no. Feelings are the richness ofexperience. Anger is not a bad thing.
It got such a bad rap. Just likeDs get a here, the Ds are biased.
Oftentimes the other three seemfriendly, but you know, we pick on those.
But the reason for that, what's wrongwith conflict? It happens all the time.
Geez, my, my family is the family thatputs fun into dysfunctional
(12:54):
You know, let's welcome, let's welcomedifferences
We we're not gonna die. We'renot gonna eat each other.
We're still gonna have a lifeafter this meeting. And uh,
what's the worst that happens that werealized we said something stupid or,
or we misspoke.
And I think the intensity offear around conflict is so, uh,
(13:14):
exaggerating. But it.
Exacerbated, right?
It's exacerbated by all those socialconstructs that people grow up
with.
I was taught as a child don't fight,and then I was taught to fight
That's.
Really great. Well, how crazy makingis that
I know. We had, you know, in, in talkingto my hypothetical other, I would say,
yeah, I know we're in conflict, butlet's fight the problem. Let, let's,
(13:38):
let's not have this be something thatstays on our grudge file that comes up in
our memory. You know,
hating another person or holding a grudgeor holding a a list of judgments about
someone else is like renting your headspace to someone that could be better put
to be in present now. And tobe focusing on future goals.
I wanna share with you six thingsthat are important to productive
(14:03):
conflict. I've already mentionedfocusing on the person, not the problem.
Communicating openly and honesty,seeking common ground. Once again,
that could be the thinnest thing. Weboth love pizza,
we both work at the same companyand we both wanna see this succeed.
Anything statement that uses the word wein it. And of course active listening,
(14:25):
which we don't do enough. Iknow we do empathetic listening,
behavioral interviewing stresses that,
but active listening really includesthat feedback loop that we often forget
about or we don't make notes of theconversation to reflect back later.
The next thing is using problem solvingtechniques. There's the SWOT analysis,
(14:46):
there's the five why's, there'sproblem solving processes,
there's many different ways. And inthis particular hypothetical group,
it would be good to suggest some ofthese processes and see which ones are
acceptable to that group. Andlast of all, if necessary,
seek outside help. I was in one team,
(15:07):
there was a conflict between twoindividuals and it got so heated it seemed
like there was gonna be, you know,almost on the verge of fist, the cuffs.
If you've ever been in an environmentwhere there's a fight's about to break
out, you can smell it, right? Youcan tell when, oh my God, you know,
this is about to explode,it's gonna get ugly.
Thankfully to theinterpretation of the profiles,
(15:28):
you can see these yellow flags beforehandand you can call Frankie Dous or
someone else simply to walk through. I,
I had the opportunity to do this with aconstruction company, typical conflict,
the field and the office. And it went onforever with a false sense of harmony.
And it wasn't until wehad two sessions, one,
to look at the profile and tocommunicate honestly about the triggers.
(15:53):
And the second one to dig intothe real meat of the problem,
which ended up in a happy divorce.
The field person really wanted todo their own thing. This is common.
And the owner wanted the personto be the perfect employee.
Well that was just not gonna happen.So through honest communication,
that last session wound downwith the owner helping the
(16:16):
person leave and start their own business.
And he even offered to give support inspinning the other person off. Yeah.
And that person left did not leaveangry badmouth in the employer.
So it actually led toa positive dissolution.
Well, this has all beenextremely fascinating, Frank,
and I want to thank you for beinghere to share your knowledge and your
understanding and it's been very fruitfuland I hope the audience is ready to
(16:41):
behave in a different way.
I have a gift for anyone who wants tojust get a simple idea of where they might
land on the circumplex, not the completereport, but just a simple infographic.
I have a leadership mini profile.If they contact me through email,
I'll send a free mini d I s c.
(17:03):
All that information will be availableon the page and the show notes. Well,
thank you Frank. Take care.
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