May 29, 2025 • 20 mins
Get in Touch! Message Me Here!
Why He Had to Tear You Down After Losing You
It’s not about you — it’s his shame. Here’s what really happens when your light exposes someone who was never ready to grow.
In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' the host discusses the emotional and psychological impact of betrayal by someone once cherished as a best friend and closest ally. Through a deeply personal narrative, the episode explores themes of loyalty, self-worth, and the process of reclaiming one's power after being wronged. The discussion covers the tactics used by people to project shame and insecurity onto others, the importance of maintaining personal boundaries, and the strength found in self-trust and authenticity. The host shares lessons learned about discernment, letting go of toxic relationships, and the futility of over-explaining oneself to those who don't value or respect you.
00:00 Intro: When Loyalty Backfires
00:30 Emotional Whiplash and Reclaiming Power
02:07 Understanding Shame Projection and Ego Protection
06:14 Lessons in Vulnerability and Self-Worth
08:53 The Importance of Boundaries and Self-Respect
12:07 Stop Explaining. Start Healing
17:14 The Glow-up is the Closure
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you enjoy this episode? Please like, share, comment, and subscribe to my show so you never miss an episode.
Please Leave a Review on Apple/Spotify Podcasts:
APPLE - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/becoming-sunshine/id1753147805
SPOTIFY -https://open.spotify.com/show/64oRmgB1tNzukS1ztM0oXf?si=2c0695e2f1484d30
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Follow Becoming Sunshine
📸 Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/becomingsunshinepodcast/?hl=en
📺 Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/@BecomingSunshinePodcast
🧐 TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@becomingsunshinepodcast
🌎 Website - https://www.becomingsunshine.com/
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Follow Madeline Boreani
📸 Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/its_madelinegrace/profilecard/?igsh=MWdkY3dxZHdiN2RwbQ==
✉️ Email - madeline@becomingsunshine.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine—the podcast where real talk meets self-evolution. This isn’t about being your highest self 24/7 or pretending healing is always pretty. It’s about learning through lived experience—friendships, heartbreaks, glow-ups, setbacks, boundaries, and everything in between.
Each week, I share unfiltered stories, honest lessons, and the moments that cracked me open and helped me grow. We’ll talk love, self-worth, emotional intelligence, leveling up, and bec
Follow the show on Instagram @becomingsunshinepodcast
Follow the host on Instagram @its_madelinegrace
Thanks so
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Madeline (00:00):
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hey friends.
Welcome back to BecomingSunshine.
So today I am talking about arecent experience and
realization and it's about theemotional whiplash of how
(00:42):
someone can go from calling youthe love of their life to trying
to humiliate you publicly.
this episode is really aboutreclaiming your power, and when
people try to rewrite anarrative in order to shift
their own guilt and shame.
So this guy cosplayed, as mybiggest fan and like my best
(01:07):
friend, and the next day istalking shit about me to a table
full of people trying to degradeand humiliate me and turn them
against me.
People at the table thatactually aren't even nearly as
close with me as I am with himwere trying to stand up for me
and tell him he was wrong.
(01:27):
It really sucks when loyaltybackfires.
And yeah, when someone you trulycare about and love and had
their back and stood up for themturns on you and becomes your
biggest op.
Realizing that someone can saythat they love you one moment
and then trying to humiliate youthe next, it's not just
(01:51):
emotional and hurtful, it'sdestabilizing.
It's knowing that someone thatyou prioritized, not only failed
to protect you, they activelytried to harm you, your name,
your dignity, and your peace.
I think a lot of times whensomeone has truly lost you and
(02:13):
they know how great of a personyou are, They have to reduce you
into something they can controlor discredit as a last ditch
effort to feel some kind ofrelief or power over the
situation, especially if theycan't reach you anymore.
A lot of this comes from shameprojection and ego protection
(02:38):
and power and control, andhonestly fear of taking
accountability.
I feel like there's a lot ofpsychology behind reputation
management and when you are toogood for somebody and they know
it, or they messed up andfumbled you or lost you, and
(02:59):
you're amazing, it's easier toshift the narrative and make you
the villain or make you the badguy than it is to take
accountability and live withthat guilt and that shame.
if they lower you, it wasn't asmuch of a loss.
When people can't sit in theirown shame, they have to project
(03:21):
it onto other people.
Humiliation is often a lastgrasp at any type of control,
and is something that weak,insecure people do.
At the end of the day, I'vealways acted with love and
compassion, and that doesn'thave to change just because
someone decided to choosecruelty.
(03:43):
You have to remember who youare, especially when someone
tries to distort your image oryour reputation.
It's not about controlling thenarrative, you just have to let
people misunderstand you.
you can lead by the way that youlive and people can figure out
the truth on their own and cometo their own conclusions.
I used to think that being kindenough, being loyal enough,
(04:06):
being compassionate,understanding, empathetic, would
get people to see me the waythat I saw myself and have a
certain opinion of me.
But the person that I thoughtcared about me the most and the
person that I prioritized wasactually the person that turned
out to be my biggest hater.
(04:27):
We should never let othersdefine our worth, no matter who
it is and maybe this is just alesson that I had to learn in
general, as I'm trying to buildthis brand, as I'm trying to
build this platform and sharemore of myself and becoming who
I wanna be.
The more I put myself out there,the more people are gonna talk.
And the more people talk, themore negative things people are
(04:48):
gonna say.
So I think in order for me tohave skin thick enough to deal
with that and to go unfazed,maybe I needed the person that I
thought was closest to me, to bethe one that turned into my
harshest critic.
I think if I'm able to survivemy favorite person and my best
friend betraying me and becomingmy biggest enemy then yeah, it
(05:12):
doesn't matter what people thatI don't know or care about say
about me online or anywhere elsefor that matter.
Betrayal definitely hits thehardest when it comes from
someone you protected, supportedand loved unconditionally.
This person admittedly has toldme and other people closest to
him, that I was the only personthat ever really loved him and
(05:36):
that I was the most amazingperson that they'd ever met.
And then to publicly try todegrade, shame and belittle me
is pretty horrific, honestly.
Especially when I was there forthis person when really no one
else was.
even when they made mistakes, Inever wanted to abandon them
(05:57):
because I had so much compassionfor their situation and what
they'd been through, I knew thatthey didn't really have a lot of
real ones in their life, And Ijust felt if I abandoned them or
let them go, then they wouldreally have no one.
But I think we should normalizegiving up on people because love
(06:19):
and loyalty should never come atthe cost of self abandoning and
betraying yourself and loweringyour own self-worth to be there
and show up for someone else.
I don't think the problem isbeing vulnerable.
I think it's about giving thatvulnerability to someone who's
unworthy of it, and even thenit's a lesson, not a failure.
(06:42):
All of this is really just alesson in choosing yourself.
I tried to be there for thisperson, even when they betrayed
my trust, and I think it justgoes to show that when somebody
betrays your trust and hurtsyou, you really can't take them
back.
You really can't forgive them,and I don't think it's a
reflection of you and the personthat you are.
(07:03):
It's just you have to set thatstandard for yourself and the
people that you're gonna havearound you.
especially with men, if youallow them to disrespect you,
they're gonna just keep doingit.
The only thing that comes fromforgiving someone who
disrespected you is moredisrespect.
That's all you get.
(07:24):
I set a certain standard formyself and the people around me,
but I think sometimes when myheart is involved, I have a lot
of empathy.
I have a lot of compassion.
Sometimes, I wanna see the bestin people, and I think maybe
it's time to normalize, notalways seeing the best in
people, not always giving themthe benefit of the doubt.
Yeah, maybe somebody had areally difficult upbringing, a
(07:45):
really difficult past.
They've been going through somereally hard times, but people
know what they're doing, and ifapologies and words don't come
with changed behavior, then it'snot really an apology.
It's not really love, it's justmanipulation and people have to
choose their own healing.
I feel like who they were andthe things they told me in
(08:08):
confidence was really how theyfelt about me and about
themselves.
I think when he was with me, hewas the man he wished he was,
but unfortunately he wasn'tactually that man, and so
obviously he can't keep up thatcharade, it's not sustainable.
(08:28):
I think he realized that andself-sabotaged and messed things
up and having to live with thatsucks.
At the end of the day, I don'tever wanna feel bad for being
loving, being real, andbelieving in someone.
I don't think that's a weakness.
I think it's strength and itshows the type of person that I
(08:50):
am, and none of this was areflection on me.
It obviously has taught me somelessons in discernment and
boundaries, and who deservesthat part of me.
Not everyone deserves the bestparts of you, and when they show
you that they don't, believethem.
Just because someone elsecouldn't meet you where you
were, doesn't mean you need toshrink yourself and someone else
(09:14):
is gonna meet you where you are,and appreciate you for who you
are and they're not gonna bejealous or cut you down or try
to keep you small because theyfeel insecure, they feel
inferior.
This episode is really for anyperson who's ever felt used or
discarded or publicly humiliatedby someone that they cared
(09:36):
about.
It sucks to know that someonecame to you to be vulnerable and
they had little to no regard orrespect for that.
But people can only meet you asfar as they've met themselves I
think honestly I was a mirrorfor him and when he was with me,
(09:56):
he felt truly seen, but beingfully seen for who you are
authentically when you're alwayswearing a mask is scary.
you end up showing them whatthey aren't ready to become.
I am so comfortable in myauthenticity, and this is
someone who's constantly wearinga mask to everyone else.
(10:20):
I think I made him feel trulyseen and then also unworthy
because he's not the person thathe is deep down and he knows it.
I think too, when you're such agood person, and you wanna see
the best in people, sometimesyou're projecting your own
goodness and your own light ontothem, and it's not really who
(10:43):
they are.
It's not really who they'retrying to be.
People get to choose who theywanna be and who they wanna show
up as, and someone who'schoosing and prioritizing the
mask that they wear as opposedto choosing themself, it has
nothing to do with you.
that's when it's time to letthem go.
(11:06):
I think the moment I finallyrealized that his opinion no
longer mattered is when I lostmy capacity to respect this
person.
I used to have the most respectfor them, but at the end of the
day, you have to takeaccountability and words without
action and promises withoutactual change, those are just
(11:30):
lessons.
That's not love and that's noteven a friendship, finally
realizing that he was tellingeverybody different things.
I finally just realized that hewasn't really working on his
healing.
He wasn't really changing,nothing was different and he was
just continuing to lie to melike he had in the past.
(11:53):
There's really no going backonce you lose your respect for
somebody.
Love isn't about waiting forsomeone to grow into themselves.
It's about being with someonewho's already ready and already
at the place where they can meetyou.
I think as a healer, I feltmaybe I was with this person or
(12:13):
this person came into my life'cause I was meant to heal them,
but it's not your job to healanyone else, and I think part of
this was about me healing theneed to feel like I need to heal
other people and prioritizingpeople that didn't have the same
loyalty and respect for me, andnot worrying about controlling
(12:34):
narratives.
I think it's all just aboutvaluing your own voice and your
own opinion over the opinions ofanyone else, no matter who they
are.
A lot of this too comes fromhaving an anxious attachment
style.
Feeling like you have tooverexplain yourself or have to
be understood I used to feel theneed to justify myself to people
and now I'm just like okay, youdon't understand me, you don't
(12:58):
like me.
That's fine.
We can agree to disagree.
I'm not for everyone.
You're probably not my targetaudience.
If the person I cared about mostcan betray me, then I don't
really care about anyone else'sopinion, honestly.
I think these experiences thatI'm having are in order to shift
these patterns and thesebehaviors that I've had for a
long time.
Moving with more self-trust,choosing silence and no longer
(13:21):
overexplaining myself.
If this had happened a fewmonths ago, maybe even a few
weeks ago, or maybe even a fewdays ago.
Honestly, if this had happened,I might have felt the need to
call him or reach out or texthim, be like oh my gosh, I can't
believe blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, and it's like I don't feel
the need to ever talk to thisperson again.
(13:41):
I don't feel the need to everanswer another phone call.
I don't feel the need to bethere for them when they have no
one else.
I don't feel the need to beanything.
I don't need to explain myself.
I don't need an explanation.
I feel like I used to need somuch closure whenever somebody
would do me wrong.
I couldn't understand it or wrapmy head around why somebody that
(14:04):
I cared about or I thought caredabout me or even said that the
best thing that ever happened tothem, how they could do me so
dirty, and it's just like you'renot meant to understand and you
don't understand'cause you wouldnever do what they did to you.
It doesn't make sense to you.
It's not going to, there's noexplanation, there's no clarity
They can give you.
I've had conversations with thisman so many times and like
(14:27):
obviously it's on me, fool me10,000 times.
Always thinking that this personwas gonna grow into themselves
and having hope for that andthat they were gonna become the
person that they always paintedthemselves to be when they were
around me, but you have to lookat the actions and at the end of
the day, honestly, it doesn'tmatter who they are, it doesn't
(14:49):
matter if it's a parent, if it'sa sibling, if it's an aunt, it's
a best friend, it's a boyfriend.
If someone continuously betraysyour trust and cuts you down or
adds stress to your life.
Even if they come to you andthey tell you that they're
working on themselves andhealing.
For months this person's like,all I care about is healing and
being healthy and rebuilding,and meanwhile they're out on
(15:13):
their bullshit like they wereback when they were spiraling.
Trying to tell me they healedall these patterns and it's like
just seeing and hearing frommultiple people that they're
doing the same shit they alwayshave been doing.
There's no work that has beendone.
They're not trying to work onthemselves.
Loyalty and love can't come atthe cost of self abandonment.
(15:36):
This person I used to have somuch love and respect for and I
believed in them so much and Iwanted to believe in them.
I think a big part of it like Isaid, is because I wanted to
believe in my own opinion ofthem, and I didn't wanna be
wrong about them'cause beingwrong about someone I cared
about so much would've been veryupsetting, but at the end of the
(16:01):
day, The version of you that youmay be sacrificing in order to
make this person happy or bethere for this person, what cost
is that coming to you?
I think the biggest lesson inall of this is to not worry
about narratives or what peoplethink because the person that
you love and care about the mostCan become your biggest critic,
(16:26):
but their voice doesn't have todrown out your truth.
You don't need to fix the story,and you can just live in a way
that makes the truth undeniable,because tables do turn and karma
is real and everybody gets whatthey deserve.
(16:46):
If someone doesn't have any realfriends, maybe instead of trying
to be a real friend to thisperson, maybe ask yourself why.
Why that is?
Because I make friendseverywhere I go.
For example, when this happened,there was people at the table
that were standing up for methat don't even really know me
that well, and this person likewe've shared our souls to each
(17:09):
other and they're the onestrying to rip me down and turn
people against me.
Yeah, it's crazy.
I hope this episode was helpfuland I think the lesson in this,
aside from the obvious, notcontinuously giving people who
hurt us chances because that'snot love, that not loyalty,
that's just self abandonment.
(17:30):
But also if there's somethingthat you wanna do.
If you wanna put yourself outthere, if you wanna make
content, if you wanna speak yourtruth, if you wanna do something
don't be afraid of what peopleare gonna say, what people
think, because the person thatyou care about the most and the
person whose opinion that youvalue the most might actually be
your biggest hater.
So at the end of the day, itreally doesn't matter, the only
(17:52):
person's opinions that matterare your own.
Don't let other people'sopinions or narratives dictate
how you live your life becausejust living the way that you
want will speak for itself.
don't ever feel bad or stupid inthe situation where you gave
(18:12):
someone too many chances becauseit says more about your
humanity, compassion, and yourheart than it does about your
judgment.
It's okay to wanna believe inpeople, but I think you have to
know that after a certain point,you're not doing them any
favors.
You're actually enabling themfrom doing their own healing,
because if someone cancontinuously come to you and
(18:37):
you're their safe space and bevulnerable with you, and then
they're back on their bullshitthe next day and it's just a
pattern, you are not helpingthem heal.
Sometimes people have to betruly at their lowest and not
have people to run to andsupport and enable them before
they actually change.
Especially with men, they don'tchange until they have to, and
(19:01):
if they really lose everythingthat keeps them stabilized and
lifts them back up when they'vebeen running amok, then they'll
be forced to actually change anddo something.
In the meantime just work onyourself and focus on yourself
and your healing.
Being the one that got away, andgot their life together and had
(19:25):
a major glow up, that's a flex.
I'd rather be that person thanthe person that stayed with the
person that never grew into whothey are, and the person that
waited for someone to grow intowho they are, because that might
not ever happen, especially ifyou're still there enabling them
when they're not ready, orchoosing to change.
(19:46):
Anyways, I hope this episode washelpful and I will catch you
guys next time.
Bye.
Love you.
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hey friends.
Welcome back to BecomingSunshine.
So today I am talking about arecent experience and
realization and it's about theemotional whiplash of how
(00:42):
someone can go from calling youthe love of their life to trying
to humiliate you publicly.
this episode is really aboutreclaiming your power, and when
people try to rewrite anarrative in order to shift
their own guilt and shame.
So this guy cosplayed, as mybiggest fan and like my best
(01:07):
friend, and the next day istalking shit about me to a table
full of people trying to degradeand humiliate me and turn them
against me.
People at the table thatactually aren't even nearly as
close with me as I am with himwere trying to stand up for me
and tell him he was wrong.
(01:27):
It really sucks when loyaltybackfires.
And yeah, when someone you trulycare about and love and had
their back and stood up for themturns on you and becomes your
biggest op.
Realizing that someone can saythat they love you one moment
and then trying to humiliate youthe next, it's not just
(01:51):
emotional and hurtful, it'sdestabilizing.
It's knowing that someone thatyou prioritized, not only failed
to protect you, they activelytried to harm you, your name,
your dignity, and your peace.
I think a lot of times whensomeone has truly lost you and
(02:13):
they know how great of a personyou are, They have to reduce you
into something they can controlor discredit as a last ditch
effort to feel some kind ofrelief or power over the
situation, especially if theycan't reach you anymore.
A lot of this comes from shameprojection and ego protection
(02:38):
and power and control, andhonestly fear of taking
accountability.
I feel like there's a lot ofpsychology behind reputation
management and when you are toogood for somebody and they know
it, or they messed up andfumbled you or lost you, and
(02:59):
you're amazing, it's easier toshift the narrative and make you
the villain or make you the badguy than it is to take
accountability and live withthat guilt and that shame.
if they lower you, it wasn't asmuch of a loss.
When people can't sit in theirown shame, they have to project
(03:21):
it onto other people.
Humiliation is often a lastgrasp at any type of control,
and is something that weak,insecure people do.
At the end of the day, I'vealways acted with love and
compassion, and that doesn'thave to change just because
someone decided to choosecruelty.
(03:43):
You have to remember who youare, especially when someone
tries to distort your image oryour reputation.
It's not about controlling thenarrative, you just have to let
people misunderstand you.
you can lead by the way that youlive and people can figure out
the truth on their own and cometo their own conclusions.
I used to think that being kindenough, being loyal enough,
(04:06):
being compassionate,understanding, empathetic, would
get people to see me the waythat I saw myself and have a
certain opinion of me.
But the person that I thoughtcared about me the most and the
person that I prioritized wasactually the person that turned
out to be my biggest hater.
(04:27):
We should never let othersdefine our worth, no matter who
it is and maybe this is just alesson that I had to learn in
general, as I'm trying to buildthis brand, as I'm trying to
build this platform and sharemore of myself and becoming who
I wanna be.
The more I put myself out there,the more people are gonna talk.
And the more people talk, themore negative things people are
(04:48):
gonna say.
So I think in order for me tohave skin thick enough to deal
with that and to go unfazed,maybe I needed the person that I
thought was closest to me, to bethe one that turned into my
harshest critic.
I think if I'm able to survivemy favorite person and my best
friend betraying me and becomingmy biggest enemy then yeah, it
(05:12):
doesn't matter what people thatI don't know or care about say
about me online or anywhere elsefor that matter.
Betrayal definitely hits thehardest when it comes from
someone you protected, supportedand loved unconditionally.
This person admittedly has toldme and other people closest to
him, that I was the only personthat ever really loved him and
(05:36):
that I was the most amazingperson that they'd ever met.
And then to publicly try todegrade, shame and belittle me
is pretty horrific, honestly.
Especially when I was there forthis person when really no one
else was.
even when they made mistakes, Inever wanted to abandon them
(05:57):
because I had so much compassionfor their situation and what
they'd been through, I knew thatthey didn't really have a lot of
real ones in their life, And Ijust felt if I abandoned them or
let them go, then they wouldreally have no one.
But I think we should normalizegiving up on people because love
(06:19):
and loyalty should never come atthe cost of self abandoning and
betraying yourself and loweringyour own self-worth to be there
and show up for someone else.
I don't think the problem isbeing vulnerable.
I think it's about giving thatvulnerability to someone who's
unworthy of it, and even thenit's a lesson, not a failure.
(06:42):
All of this is really just alesson in choosing yourself.
I tried to be there for thisperson, even when they betrayed
my trust, and I think it justgoes to show that when somebody
betrays your trust and hurtsyou, you really can't take them
back.
You really can't forgive them,and I don't think it's a
reflection of you and the personthat you are.
(07:03):
It's just you have to set thatstandard for yourself and the
people that you're gonna havearound you.
especially with men, if youallow them to disrespect you,
they're gonna just keep doingit.
The only thing that comes fromforgiving someone who
disrespected you is moredisrespect.
That's all you get.
(07:24):
I set a certain standard formyself and the people around me,
but I think sometimes when myheart is involved, I have a lot
of empathy.
I have a lot of compassion.
Sometimes, I wanna see the bestin people, and I think maybe
it's time to normalize, notalways seeing the best in
people, not always giving themthe benefit of the doubt.
Yeah, maybe somebody had areally difficult upbringing, a
(07:45):
really difficult past.
They've been going through somereally hard times, but people
know what they're doing, and ifapologies and words don't come
with changed behavior, then it'snot really an apology.
It's not really love, it's justmanipulation and people have to
choose their own healing.
I feel like who they were andthe things they told me in
(08:08):
confidence was really how theyfelt about me and about
themselves.
I think when he was with me, hewas the man he wished he was,
but unfortunately he wasn'tactually that man, and so
obviously he can't keep up thatcharade, it's not sustainable.
(08:28):
I think he realized that andself-sabotaged and messed things
up and having to live with thatsucks.
At the end of the day, I don'tever wanna feel bad for being
loving, being real, andbelieving in someone.
I don't think that's a weakness.
I think it's strength and itshows the type of person that I
(08:50):
am, and none of this was areflection on me.
It obviously has taught me somelessons in discernment and
boundaries, and who deservesthat part of me.
Not everyone deserves the bestparts of you, and when they show
you that they don't, believethem.
Just because someone elsecouldn't meet you where you
were, doesn't mean you need toshrink yourself and someone else
(09:14):
is gonna meet you where you are,and appreciate you for who you
are and they're not gonna bejealous or cut you down or try
to keep you small because theyfeel insecure, they feel
inferior.
This episode is really for anyperson who's ever felt used or
discarded or publicly humiliatedby someone that they cared
(09:36):
about.
It sucks to know that someonecame to you to be vulnerable and
they had little to no regard orrespect for that.
But people can only meet you asfar as they've met themselves I
think honestly I was a mirrorfor him and when he was with me,
(09:56):
he felt truly seen, but beingfully seen for who you are
authentically when you're alwayswearing a mask is scary.
you end up showing them whatthey aren't ready to become.
I am so comfortable in myauthenticity, and this is
someone who's constantly wearinga mask to everyone else.
(10:20):
I think I made him feel trulyseen and then also unworthy
because he's not the person thathe is deep down and he knows it.
I think too, when you're such agood person, and you wanna see
the best in people, sometimesyou're projecting your own
goodness and your own light ontothem, and it's not really who
(10:43):
they are.
It's not really who they'retrying to be.
People get to choose who theywanna be and who they wanna show
up as, and someone who'schoosing and prioritizing the
mask that they wear as opposedto choosing themself, it has
nothing to do with you.
that's when it's time to letthem go.
(11:06):
I think the moment I finallyrealized that his opinion no
longer mattered is when I lostmy capacity to respect this
person.
I used to have the most respectfor them, but at the end of the
day, you have to takeaccountability and words without
action and promises withoutactual change, those are just
(11:30):
lessons.
That's not love and that's noteven a friendship, finally
realizing that he was tellingeverybody different things.
I finally just realized that hewasn't really working on his
healing.
He wasn't really changing,nothing was different and he was
just continuing to lie to melike he had in the past.
(11:53):
There's really no going backonce you lose your respect for
somebody.
Love isn't about waiting forsomeone to grow into themselves.
It's about being with someonewho's already ready and already
at the place where they can meetyou.
I think as a healer, I feltmaybe I was with this person or
(12:13):
this person came into my life'cause I was meant to heal them,
but it's not your job to healanyone else, and I think part of
this was about me healing theneed to feel like I need to heal
other people and prioritizingpeople that didn't have the same
loyalty and respect for me, andnot worrying about controlling
(12:34):
narratives.
I think it's all just aboutvaluing your own voice and your
own opinion over the opinions ofanyone else, no matter who they
are.
A lot of this too comes fromhaving an anxious attachment
style.
Feeling like you have tooverexplain yourself or have to
be understood I used to feel theneed to justify myself to people
and now I'm just like okay, youdon't understand me, you don't
(12:58):
like me.
That's fine.
We can agree to disagree.
I'm not for everyone.
You're probably not my targetaudience.
If the person I cared about mostcan betray me, then I don't
really care about anyone else'sopinion, honestly.
I think these experiences thatI'm having are in order to shift
these patterns and thesebehaviors that I've had for a
long time.
Moving with more self-trust,choosing silence and no longer
(13:21):
overexplaining myself.
If this had happened a fewmonths ago, maybe even a few
weeks ago, or maybe even a fewdays ago.
Honestly, if this had happened,I might have felt the need to
call him or reach out or texthim, be like oh my gosh, I can't
believe blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, and it's like I don't feel
the need to ever talk to thisperson again.
(13:41):
I don't feel the need to everanswer another phone call.
I don't feel the need to bethere for them when they have no
one else.
I don't feel the need to beanything.
I don't need to explain myself.
I don't need an explanation.
I feel like I used to need somuch closure whenever somebody
would do me wrong.
I couldn't understand it or wrapmy head around why somebody that
(14:04):
I cared about or I thought caredabout me or even said that the
best thing that ever happened tothem, how they could do me so
dirty, and it's just like you'renot meant to understand and you
don't understand'cause you wouldnever do what they did to you.
It doesn't make sense to you.
It's not going to, there's noexplanation, there's no clarity
They can give you.
I've had conversations with thisman so many times and like
(14:27):
obviously it's on me, fool me10,000 times.
Always thinking that this personwas gonna grow into themselves
and having hope for that andthat they were gonna become the
person that they always paintedthemselves to be when they were
around me, but you have to lookat the actions and at the end of
the day, honestly, it doesn'tmatter who they are, it doesn't
(14:49):
matter if it's a parent, if it'sa sibling, if it's an aunt, it's
a best friend, it's a boyfriend.
If someone continuously betraysyour trust and cuts you down or
adds stress to your life.
Even if they come to you andthey tell you that they're
working on themselves andhealing.
For months this person's like,all I care about is healing and
being healthy and rebuilding,and meanwhile they're out on
(15:13):
their bullshit like they wereback when they were spiraling.
Trying to tell me they healedall these patterns and it's like
just seeing and hearing frommultiple people that they're
doing the same shit they alwayshave been doing.
There's no work that has beendone.
They're not trying to work onthemselves.
Loyalty and love can't come atthe cost of self abandonment.
(15:36):
This person I used to have somuch love and respect for and I
believed in them so much and Iwanted to believe in them.
I think a big part of it like Isaid, is because I wanted to
believe in my own opinion ofthem, and I didn't wanna be
wrong about them'cause beingwrong about someone I cared
about so much would've been veryupsetting, but at the end of the
(16:01):
day, The version of you that youmay be sacrificing in order to
make this person happy or bethere for this person, what cost
is that coming to you?
I think the biggest lesson inall of this is to not worry
about narratives or what peoplethink because the person that
you love and care about the mostCan become your biggest critic,
(16:26):
but their voice doesn't have todrown out your truth.
You don't need to fix the story,and you can just live in a way
that makes the truth undeniable,because tables do turn and karma
is real and everybody gets whatthey deserve.
(16:46):
If someone doesn't have any realfriends, maybe instead of trying
to be a real friend to thisperson, maybe ask yourself why.
Why that is?
Because I make friendseverywhere I go.
For example, when this happened,there was people at the table
that were standing up for methat don't even really know me
that well, and this person likewe've shared our souls to each
(17:09):
other and they're the onestrying to rip me down and turn
people against me.
Yeah, it's crazy.
I hope this episode was helpfuland I think the lesson in this,
aside from the obvious, notcontinuously giving people who
hurt us chances because that'snot love, that not loyalty,
that's just self abandonment.
(17:30):
But also if there's somethingthat you wanna do.
If you wanna put yourself outthere, if you wanna make
content, if you wanna speak yourtruth, if you wanna do something
don't be afraid of what peopleare gonna say, what people
think, because the person thatyou care about the most and the
person whose opinion that youvalue the most might actually be
your biggest hater.
So at the end of the day, itreally doesn't matter, the only
(17:52):
person's opinions that matterare your own.
Don't let other people'sopinions or narratives dictate
how you live your life becausejust living the way that you
want will speak for itself.
don't ever feel bad or stupid inthe situation where you gave
(18:12):
someone too many chances becauseit says more about your
humanity, compassion, and yourheart than it does about your
judgment.
It's okay to wanna believe inpeople, but I think you have to
know that after a certain point,you're not doing them any
favors.
You're actually enabling themfrom doing their own healing,
because if someone cancontinuously come to you and
(18:37):
you're their safe space and bevulnerable with you, and then
they're back on their bullshitthe next day and it's just a
pattern, you are not helpingthem heal.
Sometimes people have to betruly at their lowest and not
have people to run to andsupport and enable them before
they actually change.
Especially with men, they don'tchange until they have to, and
(19:01):
if they really lose everythingthat keeps them stabilized and
lifts them back up when they'vebeen running amok, then they'll
be forced to actually change anddo something.
In the meantime just work onyourself and focus on yourself
and your healing.
Being the one that got away, andgot their life together and had
(19:25):
a major glow up, that's a flex.
I'd rather be that person thanthe person that stayed with the
person that never grew into whothey are, and the person that
waited for someone to grow intowho they are, because that might
not ever happen, especially ifyou're still there enabling them
when they're not ready, orchoosing to change.
(19:46):
Anyways, I hope this episode washelpful and I will catch you
guys next time.
Bye.
Love you.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.