May 30, 2023 • 19 mins
Dad is excited to get Dame Bronwyn's autograph. Fin gets to work on the giant potato. And Loretta races Pumpkin for the local paper so she can find out who her competition is.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, a Ra
Sprt . Okay, so we are readingthrough my book, the Pesky Kids
five, the final mission, and weare currently up to chapter
nine, the list. So let's getinto it. Here we go. When the
pesky got home, Joe and Lorettahelped Finn up to his room.
(00:30):
Meanwhile, dad had rushed offto his office. Mom knew Finn
was okay, but she wasn't sureabout dad's erratic behavior,
so she followed him. What areyou doing? Ask Mom . She was
bemused by the man her husbandhad become. He was still the
same old Harold, but he wasalso different. He was still
weakened, even more cowardly,but she couldn't predict what
(00:52):
he was gonna say or do anymore.
Sometimes he seemed to havetotally disconnected himself
from reality. It was nosurprise really. It was
probably a self-defensemechanism. Mom felt bad when
she met him. Dad had beencharming in a shy way. She had
done the damage that turned himinto this. Mom was a trained
operative. She was used tocrushing people. Sometimes she
(01:14):
crushed them psychologically,sometimes physically once she'd
even crushed someone with asteamroller. But those were
wicked people doing damage tointernational institutions and
world peace. They deserved it.
She had crushed dad's fragilegrasp on sanity and he'd been a
nice man, like an innocentbystander on the footpath. Who
gets wiped out when a cop carjumps the curb in a high speed
(01:36):
police chase? I can't believeshe's coming here to Ko Wong .
Dad gushed excitedly. He was inhis office flicking through
books from the bookcase. Whatare you looking for? Asked mom
. The Bible said Dad. Mum wasshocked. Dad had never been
very religious. Was thisanother thing she didn't know
about him? Aha . Exclaimed dad.
(01:58):
He'd spotted something on thetop shelf. Dad reached up, but
he wasn't tall enough. He puthis foot on the bottom shelf
and stepped up. The bookcasestarted to teeter forward.
Precariously Harold , becareful. Warn mum . Dad grabbed
the book he wanted with hisfingertips and pulled it out. A
shower of other books fell andhit him on the head, but dad
barely noticed he jumped downand the bookcase totted back
(02:19):
into its original uprightposition. Mum breathed a sigh
relief. This is it. So Dad, hewas holding a small green book
that doesn't look like a Bible,said Mom . It's the Bible of
potato growing , said dad. Hewas beaming a smile of pure,
unadulterated joy. Dame Bronwynwrote this book 40 years ago.
(02:41):
It's a work of genius. Herinsights into tubers are
unparalleled to this day. Heopened the book and flicked
through it. Mom could see theywere highlighted in underlying
sections. Many pages weredog-eared. It had clearly been
read many times. I can'tbelieve she's coming here. Do
you think she'll sign it forme? It would be such an honor.
(03:03):
Mom watched dad's face flickerbetween hope and anxiety like a
little boy about to go and tellSanta what he wanted for
Christmas. I'm pretty sure shewill sign it, said , mom , I
doubt she gets hounded byautograph hunters. Oh, I hope
your right said dadoptimistically, but she should
be hounded really as mom . Shewas naturally suspicious. So I
(03:25):
might leap to the possibilitythat dad knew something about
her dark past. Oh, yes, saidDad. Her work is so brilliant.
If there was a Nobel Prize forhorticulture, she would've
wanted hands down. Oh , saidMom , you think I'm
exaggerating? Said Dad.
Suddenly serious. But youshouldn't underestimate the
importance of the potato tointernational security. What
(03:48):
said mom ? Her heart sank. Ifdad thought potatoes were
involved in internationalrelations, then he was clearly
even nuttier than he looked.
Food security is the mostessential public service. Every
government must ensure tomaintain the welfare and morale
of their people. Said Dad, theRussian revolution was
triggered by lack of bread. TheFrench rose up when Mary
(04:11):
Antoinette told them to eatcake, and the Irish mass
migrated because of the potatofamine. Mum's brow furrowed.
Perhaps she was the one losingher grip. What dad was saying
to her actually made somesense. Effective agricultural
practices. It ensure foodsecurity said Dad and food
(04:31):
security is the most essentialtype of security society needs,
which is why Dame Bronwyn is soimportant as mum . Her potato
is a modern marvel, said Dad.
The Bronwyn Brown is droughttolerant, flood tolerant, rust
resistant and bug repelling .
It's a super spud right? SaidMom . She was starting to swing
(04:54):
back to her initial opinionthat dad was barking. She'd
have to sort this mess outalone. I'm gonna need a
computer to do some work. Doyou still have that old
desktop, the one you did yourmaster on? Oh, yes, said Dad.
Great said Mom . I'll use that.
If you tell me where it is,I'll be able to sort it out
myself. You can get on withyour work here. It's out on the
(05:16):
lawn and said, dad. What? Saidmom . Finn made it into a water
feature. Said Dad, for myaquaponics pond, I use it to
cycle fertilized water throughmy hydroponic setup . In my
glasshouse, dad pointed out thewindow to the water feature in
the garden. Water was cascadingover the old desktop into an
antique bathtub. It's in a pondas mom . What about all the
(05:39):
information on the hard drive?
Well, that won't have beenruined by the pond said dad. It
won't said mom . No. The harddrive would've been ruined by
the fire. The fall from thesecond story window and the
water Joe doused it with to putit all out, said, dad, you
burned, smashed and soaked itas mum . She was starting to go
(06:00):
white with shock. All hersecrets had been hidden in that
computer. Even the ones shekept from Maynard. Oh, but
don't worry, said Dad. I've gota printout of the database you
had hidden inside. Dad wentover to his desk, slid open the
bottom drawer and pulled out award of old dot matrix printed
paper. Is this what you want?
You found my secret databaseasked Mom . Yes . So dad. Well,
(06:24):
me and Ingrid, Ingrid. Mom wasdone to yell. Now you let her
see this. So Swedishintelligence knows every name
on that list. I suppose theywould if Ingrid told them, said
dad. Of course they wouldyelled Mom , she's a Swedish
operative, but anyone couldhave this list said dad. In
(06:44):
fact, everyone in Keong does.
What on earth are you talkingabout? Said mom . The database
said, dad, it's just a list ofresidents of Keong . It's the
same information you could getfrom the Keong phone directory.
Now, mum's jaw dropped open andshe turned pale as if she was
stunned to go into shock. Whatare you saying? Dad laid the
(07:06):
printout across his forearm andstarted flicking through the
pages with his other hand. Seeif yourself said, dad. The
database is half the residentsof Ang . The names are wrong,
but the photos are clearenough. Andre Blakk is Mr.
Popov , the kid's PE teacher.
And Marsha Divine is the catlady. Mom looked at the page's.
(07:26):
Dad held up Harold. I spentseven years building this list.
I broke into archives, computersystems, and top secret
buildings all across Europe,the Middle East and South
America to put together thisinformation. It is not a list
of kwong residents. It was alist of all the top
(07:47):
international operatives who'vegone missing in the last 50
years. Well, why are they allhere in Carl Wong ? Our dad .
Mom shook her head. I don'tknow . There must be some
mistakes, said dad, unless helooked up suddenly. What? Ask
mom . Unless they all reallylike potatoes said dad. Mom
(08:11):
would've laughed except dad wasapparently being sincere. Yeah,
I'm guessing it's somethingelse. And that is the end of
chapter nine, but let's keepgoing and read. Chapter 10,
resurrection Action . Afterschool, Finn was well enough to
work on the potato again. He'dlearned from his previous
(08:32):
overconfidence. This time heinvited Neil over to help him.
Like Finn. Neil was very goodat fixing things. Although
Neil's ability to fix thingstended to be more practical, he
could build a rainproof chfeeder out of two buckets and
some bail entwine. WhereasFinn's ability to fix things
was more creative. He coulddesign a tribu that would fire
(08:52):
pumpkins all the way to BillGong . The first thing the boys
did was give up trying to movethe potato by hand. Neil
brought an old tractor he'dfound in the back paddock of
his grandmother's farm. It wasso old you couldn't tell how
old it was because all thelabeling had long ago rusted
over. It had sat disused in thecat lady's field for a decade
(09:14):
before Neil decided to get itgoing again. The tractor moved
very slowly and with a lot ofJing, but it did move. Neil was
rather proud of his wheels. Noother 13 year old in Keong had
their own vehicle. Admittedly,it wasn't technically
roadworthy or registered, butif Neil ever spotted Constable
Pike when he was riding it,he'd simply drive the tractor
(09:35):
up onto the nature strip andpretend to be mowing the lawn.
Neil was so quiet and potatofaced that Constable Pike never
thought of suspecting him ofdoing anything more. Neil drove
the tractor up the driveway andacross Mr. Penske's beautiful
lawn causing irreparable damageto the turf in the process by
gouging long tire tracksthrough the soft grass, Finn
(09:56):
directed him into position, getEnil to draw the tractor up so
that the front bumper was rightup against the giant potato.
Even though the potato was hugeand the tractor was small, the
tractor easily won theencounter. It moves slowly, but
with great talk rolling thepotato inch by inch into Mr.
Pensky's massive shed. Finn hadgot his dad to park the
(10:17):
helicopter outside to make roomfor it. Now what? Ask Neil as
he shut off the engine andclimbed down from the driver's
seat. Now we get to work setFinn, and that's a big repair
job. Observe Neil . There was ahuge dent where the potato had
been hit by a bus and a hugehole where the potato had been
impaled. Byt Rex . Oh, we arenot gonna repair this potato
(10:39):
set . Finn , we're not as Neil. No said Finn with a gleam in
his eye. We're gonna improveit. How? Ask Neil . You'll see
said Finn . He started tolaugh. Maniacally . Neil looked
at his friend with concern. Hehoped it was just the
concussion talking and Finnhadn't actually gone potty.
(11:01):
Okay, well that was the end ofchapter 10, but we haven't been
going for long, so let's haveone more chapter. Let's move on
to chapter 11. The names Joecould not sleep. It was only
5:00 AM barely starting to getlight outside, but he was lying
in bed wide awake. For mostpeople, insomnia is a symptom
(11:22):
of stress. Anxious thoughtskeeping you from drifting into
slumber. Joe certainly had alot to be anxious about. His
mother was an incrediblydangerous international super
spy, hunted by some of the mostruthless regimes in the world.
His sister had rage issues. Hisbrother had recently been
injured by a giant potato. Anyof these things would be a
cause for concern, but that isnot why Joe lay awake. This
(11:44):
morning. Joe was awake becausehe was hungry. He was very
large for a 15 year old, sixfoot three now, and he got a
lot of exercise both throughplaying sport and ev evading
the amiss attacks of DaisyOdin's Statter . His growing
body just burned through foodby four o'clock in the morning.
It was demanding more fuel atthis painfully early hour.
(12:06):
Every morning, Joe was draggedfrom the depths of slumber by
his stomach's rumbling demands.
Joe felt bad that he ate somuch. His dad was not a wealthy
man and cost aside Joesometimes unwittingly ate so
much there was little left foreveryone else. April could get
really angry if the only thingleft for her breakfast was
(12:26):
lentils. So Joe tried to holdout as long as possible before
creeping from his bed andsneaking downstairs for a
snack. And Joe's idea of asnack meant a meal the size you
would usually feed a horse or apreh. Hibernation bear. It's
hard to sneak when you're sixfoot three and weigh 85
kilograms, especially in an oldfarmhouse where every
floorboard has its own uniquecreaky spot. 80 April usually
(12:50):
slept dead to the world, butpumpkin was a dog and therefore
had really good hearing. Pluspumpkin rarely slept at all.
Jane knew April would nevergive her dog coffee. She loved
animals too much for that, butpumpkin always acted like he'd
drunk a whole jug of superstrength espresso. The little
dog was permanently wired andready to explode into action.
(13:10):
Joe did not want to wake him.
If pumpkin woke up, he'd wakeApril up. Then April would
start yelling at him for eatingtoo much food. Never tasted as
good as you had to eat it whilebeing yelled at. Once he got
downstairs, Joe felt prettysafe. There was a carpet in the
hallway. He patted quickly tothe kitchen. He was starving.
(13:31):
He'd start with a pint of milkand four slices of toast. Then
take it from there. Joe flickedon the lights and then he
screamed who Loretta wassitting at the kitchen counter
nibbling on a bagel anddrinking a cup of coffee. Good
morning, said Loretta brightly.
In the distant reaches of theattic, Joe heard the sound of
pumpkin yapping. He's slumped.
(13:51):
They had about 45 secondsbefore April would appear and
start abusing them. What areyou doing up ? Ask Joe . It's
announcement day said Loretta.
Joe didn't respond verbally. Hejust looked back at her
bewildered. The nominees forthe potato princess will be
printed in today's local paper.
Explain Loretta. Oh, so Joe ,he thought about this for a
(14:12):
moment. Is there a local paper?
Of course. Silly said. Loretta,every house in Kwong has one
delivered to the door once aweek. I've never seen one said
Joe. No, agreed. Loretta. Well,you may have done, but you
wouldn't have recognized it.
Pumpkin has been eating themnow. Joe was more confused, but
(14:33):
he's such a tiny dog. True.
Agreed. Loretta to be strictlyaccurate, pumpkin runs around
the garden, savage in thenewspaper, generally tearing it
to shreds and slobbering allover it. Oh, said Joe . Is that
what the confetti on the lawnevery Wednesday morning is? Yes
. Settle Loretta , which is whyI'm up early to make sure I get
to it before him this morning.
(14:54):
I can't wait to see who mycompetition is. They could hear
the scratchy scrambling ofpumpkin's, toenails as he
scampered down the stairs. Uhoh. So Joe, he's coming now. Joe
Cha . Loretta, you shouldn't bescared of such a sweet little
dog. You are the one who's upearly to beat him to the paper.
Joe pointed out, I admire hisenthusiasm, said Loretta. So
(15:15):
few people are interested inold-fashioned physical
newspapers these days. Pumpkinburst into the room yapping.
Good morning sweetheart. SaidLoretta Ben in to give the
little dog a pat. Pumpkinjumped up, pour at Loretta
stool , desperate to have hisears scratched. But then
suddenly Pumpkin's head spunaround and he froze. What is it
us , Loretta? Do you hearsomething? Then they could all
(15:37):
hear it. The distance sound offootsteps crunching on the
gravel driveway. Pumpkinsstarted barking wildly. So he
ran for the front door quick.
Cried . Loretta rushing afterthe dog. We can't let pumpkin
get to him first, but the frontdoor shut said Joe . Loretta
didn't slow. Joe followed herjust in time to see April
opening the front door. Do youwanna go out for your morning
(15:59):
pee pee ? April was talking topumpkin. No cried Loretta. But
the door had already opened afew inches and that was all
pumpkin needed. He tripped awaydown the path. Loretta raced
after him. What's going on?
Asked April. What's Loretta gotagainst a dog peeing?
Explaining the sex . Said Joebefore bolting down the
driveway. After Loretta and thedog up ahead, a delivery man
(16:20):
wearing a high vis yellow shirtwas reaching into his big
shoulder bag for a copy of thenewspaper. Watch out. Joe
yelled in . Warning thedelivery man looked up to see a
startlingly beautiful girl,hurtling and straight for him.
It was another second before henoticed the tiny dog speeding
ahead of her. The hesitationwas costly. He didn't have
enough time to turn and runlike a deer froze in the
(16:41):
headlights of an oncomingtruck. The panicked paperman
froze. Pumpkin let up at him,appearing to go for the
jugular. Something April hadbeen trying to train her dog to
do, but instead snatching thelocal paper. Added the delivery
man's hand as he raised it up.
Protectively in front of hisface. Ah , cried the delivery
man. Quick run for it. Urge Joewhile he's still busy. Pumpkin
(17:04):
was gallivanting across thelawn , shaking the newspaper
side to side. Loretta chasedafter him, which pumpkin
thought made everything evenmore fun. Come on sweetheart.
Give the paper to AuntieLoretta. I'll buy you a T-bone
steak. My dog won't be bribed.
Yelled April. She was standingon the front porch for the
house because she didn't haveany shoes on. He's got too much
(17:25):
integrity. But I need to readthe paper, said Loretta ducking
in and weaving around theflower beds and trying to catch
pumpkin. I need to know how toprepare myself for the
psychological warfare atschool. It's okay . Called Joe
. I've got a copy. Lorettalooked up to see Joe standing
further down the driveway overa bright yellow shoulder back .
(17:45):
The delivery man had abandonedit in his bid to escape
unscathed. Joe reached down andgrabbed a fresh copy. I hope he
doesn't mind if we take anextra one. Serves him right for
abandon in his job set . April,people have no respect for duty
anymore. Joe picked up the restof the shoulder bag too. Oh ,
I'll deliver the rest for himafter breakfast. It was nice to
(18:07):
be helpful, but never at theexpense of good nutrition. All
right , well we'll leave itthere. Um, well , I don't think
I've got any messages or newsthis week, but I hope you
enjoyed this week's episode.
And until next time, goodbye .
Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, a Ra
Sprt . Okay, so we are readingthrough my book, the Pesky Kids
five, the final mission, and weare currently up to chapter
nine, the list. So let's getinto it. Here we go. When the
pesky got home, Joe and Lorettahelped Finn up to his room.
(00:30):
Meanwhile, dad had rushed offto his office. Mom knew Finn
was okay, but she wasn't sureabout dad's erratic behavior,
so she followed him. What areyou doing? Ask Mom . She was
bemused by the man her husbandhad become. He was still the
same old Harold, but he wasalso different. He was still
weakened, even more cowardly,but she couldn't predict what
(00:52):
he was gonna say or do anymore.
Sometimes he seemed to havetotally disconnected himself
from reality. It was nosurprise really. It was
probably a self-defensemechanism. Mom felt bad when
she met him. Dad had beencharming in a shy way. She had
done the damage that turned himinto this. Mom was a trained
operative. She was used tocrushing people. Sometimes she
(01:14):
crushed them psychologically,sometimes physically once she'd
even crushed someone with asteamroller. But those were
wicked people doing damage tointernational institutions and
world peace. They deserved it.
She had crushed dad's fragilegrasp on sanity and he'd been a
nice man, like an innocentbystander on the footpath. Who
gets wiped out when a cop carjumps the curb in a high speed
(01:36):
police chase? I can't believeshe's coming here to Ko Wong .
Dad gushed excitedly. He was inhis office flicking through
books from the bookcase. Whatare you looking for? Asked mom
. The Bible said Dad. Mum wasshocked. Dad had never been
very religious. Was thisanother thing she didn't know
about him? Aha . Exclaimed dad.
(01:58):
He'd spotted something on thetop shelf. Dad reached up, but
he wasn't tall enough. He puthis foot on the bottom shelf
and stepped up. The bookcasestarted to teeter forward.
Precariously Harold , becareful. Warn mum . Dad grabbed
the book he wanted with hisfingertips and pulled it out. A
shower of other books fell andhit him on the head, but dad
barely noticed he jumped downand the bookcase totted back
(02:19):
into its original uprightposition. Mum breathed a sigh
relief. This is it. So Dad, hewas holding a small green book
that doesn't look like a Bible,said Mom . It's the Bible of
potato growing , said dad. Hewas beaming a smile of pure,
unadulterated joy. Dame Bronwynwrote this book 40 years ago.
(02:41):
It's a work of genius. Herinsights into tubers are
unparalleled to this day. Heopened the book and flicked
through it. Mom could see theywere highlighted in underlying
sections. Many pages weredog-eared. It had clearly been
read many times. I can'tbelieve she's coming here. Do
you think she'll sign it forme? It would be such an honor.
(03:03):
Mom watched dad's face flickerbetween hope and anxiety like a
little boy about to go and tellSanta what he wanted for
Christmas. I'm pretty sure shewill sign it, said , mom , I
doubt she gets hounded byautograph hunters. Oh, I hope
your right said dadoptimistically, but she should
be hounded really as mom . Shewas naturally suspicious. So I
(03:25):
might leap to the possibilitythat dad knew something about
her dark past. Oh, yes, saidDad. Her work is so brilliant.
If there was a Nobel Prize forhorticulture, she would've
wanted hands down. Oh , saidMom , you think I'm
exaggerating? Said Dad.
Suddenly serious. But youshouldn't underestimate the
importance of the potato tointernational security. What
(03:48):
said mom ? Her heart sank. Ifdad thought potatoes were
involved in internationalrelations, then he was clearly
even nuttier than he looked.
Food security is the mostessential public service. Every
government must ensure tomaintain the welfare and morale
of their people. Said Dad, theRussian revolution was
triggered by lack of bread. TheFrench rose up when Mary
(04:11):
Antoinette told them to eatcake, and the Irish mass
migrated because of the potatofamine. Mum's brow furrowed.
Perhaps she was the one losingher grip. What dad was saying
to her actually made somesense. Effective agricultural
practices. It ensure foodsecurity said Dad and food
(04:31):
security is the most essentialtype of security society needs,
which is why Dame Bronwyn is soimportant as mum . Her potato
is a modern marvel, said Dad.
The Bronwyn Brown is droughttolerant, flood tolerant, rust
resistant and bug repelling .
It's a super spud right? SaidMom . She was starting to swing
(04:54):
back to her initial opinionthat dad was barking. She'd
have to sort this mess outalone. I'm gonna need a
computer to do some work. Doyou still have that old
desktop, the one you did yourmaster on? Oh, yes, said Dad.
Great said Mom . I'll use that.
If you tell me where it is,I'll be able to sort it out
myself. You can get on withyour work here. It's out on the
(05:16):
lawn and said, dad. What? Saidmom . Finn made it into a water
feature. Said Dad, for myaquaponics pond, I use it to
cycle fertilized water throughmy hydroponic setup . In my
glasshouse, dad pointed out thewindow to the water feature in
the garden. Water was cascadingover the old desktop into an
antique bathtub. It's in a pondas mom . What about all the
(05:39):
information on the hard drive?
Well, that won't have beenruined by the pond said dad. It
won't said mom . No. The harddrive would've been ruined by
the fire. The fall from thesecond story window and the
water Joe doused it with to putit all out, said, dad, you
burned, smashed and soaked itas mum . She was starting to go
(06:00):
white with shock. All hersecrets had been hidden in that
computer. Even the ones shekept from Maynard. Oh, but
don't worry, said Dad. I've gota printout of the database you
had hidden inside. Dad wentover to his desk, slid open the
bottom drawer and pulled out award of old dot matrix printed
paper. Is this what you want?
You found my secret databaseasked Mom . Yes . So dad. Well,
(06:24):
me and Ingrid, Ingrid. Mom wasdone to yell. Now you let her
see this. So Swedishintelligence knows every name
on that list. I suppose theywould if Ingrid told them, said
dad. Of course they wouldyelled Mom , she's a Swedish
operative, but anyone couldhave this list said dad. In
(06:44):
fact, everyone in Keong does.
What on earth are you talkingabout? Said mom . The database
said, dad, it's just a list ofresidents of Keong . It's the
same information you could getfrom the Keong phone directory.
Now, mum's jaw dropped open andshe turned pale as if she was
stunned to go into shock. Whatare you saying? Dad laid the
(07:06):
printout across his forearm andstarted flicking through the
pages with his other hand. Seeif yourself said, dad. The
database is half the residentsof Ang . The names are wrong,
but the photos are clearenough. Andre Blakk is Mr.
Popov , the kid's PE teacher.
And Marsha Divine is the catlady. Mom looked at the page's.
(07:26):
Dad held up Harold. I spentseven years building this list.
I broke into archives, computersystems, and top secret
buildings all across Europe,the Middle East and South
America to put together thisinformation. It is not a list
of kwong residents. It was alist of all the top
(07:47):
international operatives who'vegone missing in the last 50
years. Well, why are they allhere in Carl Wong ? Our dad .
Mom shook her head. I don'tknow . There must be some
mistakes, said dad, unless helooked up suddenly. What? Ask
mom . Unless they all reallylike potatoes said dad. Mom
(08:11):
would've laughed except dad wasapparently being sincere. Yeah,
I'm guessing it's somethingelse. And that is the end of
chapter nine, but let's keepgoing and read. Chapter 10,
resurrection Action . Afterschool, Finn was well enough to
work on the potato again. He'dlearned from his previous
(08:32):
overconfidence. This time heinvited Neil over to help him.
Like Finn. Neil was very goodat fixing things. Although
Neil's ability to fix thingstended to be more practical, he
could build a rainproof chfeeder out of two buckets and
some bail entwine. WhereasFinn's ability to fix things
was more creative. He coulddesign a tribu that would fire
(08:52):
pumpkins all the way to BillGong . The first thing the boys
did was give up trying to movethe potato by hand. Neil
brought an old tractor he'dfound in the back paddock of
his grandmother's farm. It wasso old you couldn't tell how
old it was because all thelabeling had long ago rusted
over. It had sat disused in thecat lady's field for a decade
(09:14):
before Neil decided to get itgoing again. The tractor moved
very slowly and with a lot ofJing, but it did move. Neil was
rather proud of his wheels. Noother 13 year old in Keong had
their own vehicle. Admittedly,it wasn't technically
roadworthy or registered, butif Neil ever spotted Constable
Pike when he was riding it,he'd simply drive the tractor
(09:35):
up onto the nature strip andpretend to be mowing the lawn.
Neil was so quiet and potatofaced that Constable Pike never
thought of suspecting him ofdoing anything more. Neil drove
the tractor up the driveway andacross Mr. Penske's beautiful
lawn causing irreparable damageto the turf in the process by
gouging long tire tracksthrough the soft grass, Finn
(09:56):
directed him into position, getEnil to draw the tractor up so
that the front bumper was rightup against the giant potato.
Even though the potato was hugeand the tractor was small, the
tractor easily won theencounter. It moves slowly, but
with great talk rolling thepotato inch by inch into Mr.
Pensky's massive shed. Finn hadgot his dad to park the
(10:17):
helicopter outside to make roomfor it. Now what? Ask Neil as
he shut off the engine andclimbed down from the driver's
seat. Now we get to work setFinn, and that's a big repair
job. Observe Neil . There was ahuge dent where the potato had
been hit by a bus and a hugehole where the potato had been
impaled. Byt Rex . Oh, we arenot gonna repair this potato
(10:39):
set . Finn , we're not as Neil. No said Finn with a gleam in
his eye. We're gonna improveit. How? Ask Neil . You'll see
said Finn . He started tolaugh. Maniacally . Neil looked
at his friend with concern. Hehoped it was just the
concussion talking and Finnhadn't actually gone potty.
(11:01):
Okay, well that was the end ofchapter 10, but we haven't been
going for long, so let's haveone more chapter. Let's move on
to chapter 11. The names Joecould not sleep. It was only
5:00 AM barely starting to getlight outside, but he was lying
in bed wide awake. For mostpeople, insomnia is a symptom
(11:22):
of stress. Anxious thoughtskeeping you from drifting into
slumber. Joe certainly had alot to be anxious about. His
mother was an incrediblydangerous international super
spy, hunted by some of the mostruthless regimes in the world.
His sister had rage issues. Hisbrother had recently been
injured by a giant potato. Anyof these things would be a
cause for concern, but that isnot why Joe lay awake. This
(11:44):
morning. Joe was awake becausehe was hungry. He was very
large for a 15 year old, sixfoot three now, and he got a
lot of exercise both throughplaying sport and ev evading
the amiss attacks of DaisyOdin's Statter . His growing
body just burned through foodby four o'clock in the morning.
It was demanding more fuel atthis painfully early hour.
(12:06):
Every morning, Joe was draggedfrom the depths of slumber by
his stomach's rumbling demands.
Joe felt bad that he ate somuch. His dad was not a wealthy
man and cost aside Joesometimes unwittingly ate so
much there was little left foreveryone else. April could get
really angry if the only thingleft for her breakfast was
(12:26):
lentils. So Joe tried to holdout as long as possible before
creeping from his bed andsneaking downstairs for a
snack. And Joe's idea of asnack meant a meal the size you
would usually feed a horse or apreh. Hibernation bear. It's
hard to sneak when you're sixfoot three and weigh 85
kilograms, especially in an oldfarmhouse where every
floorboard has its own uniquecreaky spot. 80 April usually
(12:50):
slept dead to the world, butpumpkin was a dog and therefore
had really good hearing. Pluspumpkin rarely slept at all.
Jane knew April would nevergive her dog coffee. She loved
animals too much for that, butpumpkin always acted like he'd
drunk a whole jug of superstrength espresso. The little
dog was permanently wired andready to explode into action.
(13:10):
Joe did not want to wake him.
If pumpkin woke up, he'd wakeApril up. Then April would
start yelling at him for eatingtoo much food. Never tasted as
good as you had to eat it whilebeing yelled at. Once he got
downstairs, Joe felt prettysafe. There was a carpet in the
hallway. He patted quickly tothe kitchen. He was starving.
(13:31):
He'd start with a pint of milkand four slices of toast. Then
take it from there. Joe flickedon the lights and then he
screamed who Loretta wassitting at the kitchen counter
nibbling on a bagel anddrinking a cup of coffee. Good
morning, said Loretta brightly.
In the distant reaches of theattic, Joe heard the sound of
pumpkin yapping. He's slumped.
(13:51):
They had about 45 secondsbefore April would appear and
start abusing them. What areyou doing up ? Ask Joe . It's
announcement day said Loretta.
Joe didn't respond verbally. Hejust looked back at her
bewildered. The nominees forthe potato princess will be
printed in today's local paper.
Explain Loretta. Oh, so Joe ,he thought about this for a
(14:12):
moment. Is there a local paper?
Of course. Silly said. Loretta,every house in Kwong has one
delivered to the door once aweek. I've never seen one said
Joe. No, agreed. Loretta. Well,you may have done, but you
wouldn't have recognized it.
Pumpkin has been eating themnow. Joe was more confused, but
(14:33):
he's such a tiny dog. True.
Agreed. Loretta to be strictlyaccurate, pumpkin runs around
the garden, savage in thenewspaper, generally tearing it
to shreds and slobbering allover it. Oh, said Joe . Is that
what the confetti on the lawnevery Wednesday morning is? Yes
. Settle Loretta , which is whyI'm up early to make sure I get
to it before him this morning.
(14:54):
I can't wait to see who mycompetition is. They could hear
the scratchy scrambling ofpumpkin's, toenails as he
scampered down the stairs. Uhoh. So Joe, he's coming now. Joe
Cha . Loretta, you shouldn't bescared of such a sweet little
dog. You are the one who's upearly to beat him to the paper.
Joe pointed out, I admire hisenthusiasm, said Loretta. So
(15:15):
few people are interested inold-fashioned physical
newspapers these days. Pumpkinburst into the room yapping.
Good morning sweetheart. SaidLoretta Ben in to give the
little dog a pat. Pumpkinjumped up, pour at Loretta
stool , desperate to have hisears scratched. But then
suddenly Pumpkin's head spunaround and he froze. What is it
us , Loretta? Do you hearsomething? Then they could all
(15:37):
hear it. The distance sound offootsteps crunching on the
gravel driveway. Pumpkinsstarted barking wildly. So he
ran for the front door quick.
Cried . Loretta rushing afterthe dog. We can't let pumpkin
get to him first, but the frontdoor shut said Joe . Loretta
didn't slow. Joe followed herjust in time to see April
opening the front door. Do youwanna go out for your morning
(15:59):
pee pee ? April was talking topumpkin. No cried Loretta. But
the door had already opened afew inches and that was all
pumpkin needed. He tripped awaydown the path. Loretta raced
after him. What's going on?
Asked April. What's Loretta gotagainst a dog peeing?
Explaining the sex . Said Joebefore bolting down the
driveway. After Loretta and thedog up ahead, a delivery man
(16:20):
wearing a high vis yellow shirtwas reaching into his big
shoulder bag for a copy of thenewspaper. Watch out. Joe
yelled in . Warning thedelivery man looked up to see a
startlingly beautiful girl,hurtling and straight for him.
It was another second before henoticed the tiny dog speeding
ahead of her. The hesitationwas costly. He didn't have
enough time to turn and runlike a deer froze in the
(16:41):
headlights of an oncomingtruck. The panicked paperman
froze. Pumpkin let up at him,appearing to go for the
jugular. Something April hadbeen trying to train her dog to
do, but instead snatching thelocal paper. Added the delivery
man's hand as he raised it up.
Protectively in front of hisface. Ah , cried the delivery
man. Quick run for it. Urge Joewhile he's still busy. Pumpkin
(17:04):
was gallivanting across thelawn , shaking the newspaper
side to side. Loretta chasedafter him, which pumpkin
thought made everything evenmore fun. Come on sweetheart.
Give the paper to AuntieLoretta. I'll buy you a T-bone
steak. My dog won't be bribed.
Yelled April. She was standingon the front porch for the
house because she didn't haveany shoes on. He's got too much
(17:25):
integrity. But I need to readthe paper, said Loretta ducking
in and weaving around theflower beds and trying to catch
pumpkin. I need to know how toprepare myself for the
psychological warfare atschool. It's okay . Called Joe
. I've got a copy. Lorettalooked up to see Joe standing
further down the driveway overa bright yellow shoulder back .
(17:45):
The delivery man had abandonedit in his bid to escape
unscathed. Joe reached down andgrabbed a fresh copy. I hope he
doesn't mind if we take anextra one. Serves him right for
abandon in his job set . April,people have no respect for duty
anymore. Joe picked up the restof the shoulder bag too. Oh ,
I'll deliver the rest for himafter breakfast. It was nice to
(18:07):
be helpful, but never at theexpense of good nutrition. All
right , well we'll leave itthere. Um, well , I don't think
I've got any messages or newsthis week, but I hope you
enjoyed this week's episode.
And until next time, goodbye .
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