September 19, 2025 • 58 mins
Two times a week and still unhappy? We unpack a Reddit case where a husband pushes porn “training,” demands replies while she’s with their kid, and even threatens to find someone else. We explain why that nukes trust and desire—and what actually builds a great sex life: enthusiasm, not obligation. You’ll learn how porn scripts sabotage connection, how to get her out of “mom mode,” why taking stress off her plate matters, and how to express desire for her (not just sex). We offer clean, practical scripts, a simple foreplay framework, and a quick detox plan if porn is dulling your attraction. Plus: intensity vs. frequency, why threats are relationship napalm, and how to turn “meh” encounters into memorable experiences—for both of you.⸻Timestamps (approx.)0:00 Cold open: Men’s “3 vs 6” pleasure idea2:10 The Reddit scenario & the giant red flags6:00 Why porn-based demands destroy desire9:40 Enthusiasm is greater than obligation (what men actually want)12:30 Getting her out of mom mode (stress & setup)15:10 Desire for her vs. “I need sex”18:00 Texting that seduces (not spams)21:00 Intensity beats frequency (experience over quota)24:30 If porn is the driver: detox & re-sensitize27:00 The “threat to cheat” = trust killer30:00 Practical scripts + weekly intimacy ritual34:00 When to seek help / when to walk away36:30 Wrap & takeaways
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Men's drive for sex is different.
And if they want to enjoy it to a higher level than they're even
capable of, because we talked about this before where like
men's pleasure meters like one to five and a woman says way
more. But you can even get past five
if you've set up the scene so that she's so turned on and now
you're so turned on and now you're both so turned on and now
you can even get to a higher level than you thought.
(00:21):
But if you're turned on because you're a man and it's pretty
easy to do that, but she's kind of like, then you might get like
a three, which isn't bad. Some men are like, oh, well,
three's a three, you know, or whatever.
Like they don't care. But they've also never had the
six beyond the. Perfect, we discovered through
our flaws we complete each other.
(00:42):
Better than perfect we stay through every fault we find.
No way, right? Welcome back to the Better Than
Perfect podcast where every weekwe share with you how 2
imperfect people helping each other grow equals 1 better than
perfect relationship. Did you chug your water?
(01:03):
I know, I just have it here, youknow?
I just didn't want it to block my.
Your beautiful face. Exactly like, but like, it's
like you just suck the words outof my brain.
Yes. Yeah, that happens from time to
time. So we've been lurking.
Well, Speaking of sucking, do you want to just talk about our
(01:23):
our topic? For today, that's the good I was
going to say we've been lurking Reddit, but also sucking is good
too. You suck.
Yeah, no, we were lurking Redditand and found.
Nobody sends us any problems like.
You guys don't have any problems.
I mean, we're doing a good job. You're like, oh, good thing.
Yeah, it's all it's it's like when when you're like, do you
(01:44):
have any questions? Does that all make sense to you?
And they're like, yeah, yeah, itall makes sense.
I mean, it's perfectly explained.
So I don't have any questions. So that's it.
You must be watching the podcast.
You're like, oh, fixed all my relationship issues, got no
problems. Don't need to e-mail you.
That's all right. So we'll just go to Reddit and
find people that have real problems.
So no, we found one this this post in the marriage subreddit.
(02:06):
And I thought we'd just, you know, just answer this one.
I don't think you'd you haven't really studied the question.
I haven't really studied the question, so it'll be a bit of a
surprise, but we do know that itis about.
Sex. I think you found it so I you
studied it the most. Yeah, I read over it one time.
So so it says it's titled Husband wants me to provide
higher quality sex. My husband, 37 male and I-33
(02:31):
female have been married for 12 years.
We have sex about two times a week.
According to him, it's not enough.
He wants me to watch porn with him so I can quote, learn how to
do better and act. He sends me pics and wants me to
respond. He wants me to quit my job so
I'm less tired to have sex with him.
We have a daughter and I work 3 twelves per week.
(02:54):
He gets upset that I don't respond to these pics, but I am
spending time with my daughter. We get in fights almost every
week about our sex life. I really don't have a sex drive.
I'm exhausted and it's getting to the point I want left alone.
He's stating he will see other girls if I don't do better.
However, he refuses marriage counseling.
(03:15):
My question is, does this seem like reasonable expectations?
Threatening people is not reasonable.
Threatening your wife or husbandis not reasonable.
And when I read this, I was like, OK, there's just a lot of
talking points in here. There's a lot of advice, I think
as to as a man, if you wanted tosolve this problem, how to go
(03:38):
about it the right way, which this is not the right way.
And like, are some of his like, is it valid at all?
Like what he wants, right. And you know, and how, how do
you resolve this, right? So I mean, mostly it's going to
be directed at this guy. Well, why don't we start from
the beginning, yeah? So like what do you mean?
Sir, like dissect dissect parts from the beginning to the end.
(04:01):
Yeah, we could do that. Because so there's things with
her as well too, like that. I'm obviously going to talk
about the woman and. OK, so husband 3730.
She's 33, been married for 12 years.
OK. They've been married for 12
years and they have sex at leasttwice a week.
That is good. Right, that's good.
(04:22):
We that's good. That's good, right?
That's that's pretty good. That's reasonable.
That's way more than a lot of people get right at especially
12 years in. Right.
That's reasonable for frequency,right?
Like that? That's pretty reasonable.
I think that's definitely reasonable.
She she says According to him, it's not enough, which again,
(04:44):
enough. I'm going to go into my sales
training questions is what do you mean by not enough?
Right, but we can't ask. Right, because it's like, does
it mean frequency? Like because he might say it's
not enough or does it mean intensity or does it mean doing
the stuff that he wants right, like because.
Two times frequency, but it could be what she's doing if he
wants her to watch corn. Right.
(05:06):
Yeah. That could also mean.
I think we could just say porn because I don't know, AI is like
it's smart enough. Like they're they're not talking
about corn on the cob pouring onthe knob is wow, but.
So yeah, we don't know for sure.But honestly, I guess my thing
is, if you're complaining about two and it is a frequency
(05:29):
problem, how much do you want? Because 2 is not bad, right?
Two a week is not bad. Right.
Especially if she's working 3 twelves, right?
That's exhausting. And they have a daughter.
How old is their daughter? She didn't say how old their
daughter is, but. Yeah, that's a lot.
She's. Spending time with that.
Very hard also, too. You're skipping around.
But yeah, like, it's very hard to be in mom mode as well, too.
(05:56):
And then she's saying that he's sending pictures when she's with
her daughter. That's like, impossible, right?
Yeah, It's impossible to be likesex mode when you're with your
kid, right? It should be, because those
things should be separated, right?
1 is a private thing between youand your husband and then one is
(06:16):
like this innocent nurturing time with your kid.
And there's something that's notbeing said here, right?
Which is obvious to me is he hasa porn addiction, right?
That's why. Wants her to do the things like
and what is that? And that's why he's like so on
the frequency and the right, because he's got it on his brain
all the time. That's true.
(06:36):
That's probably. What is he doing at work?
Just looking at porn at work. Like he's sending her pics and
stuff and videos. Does that work?
I don't. I'm assuming he works.
He's telling her that she needs to quit her job so that she can
have more energy to. Just have sex with him.
That's actually kind of insane. It is it is kind of insane like,
but but again, like there's alsonot to belittle him to the
(06:58):
degree like, OK, maybe he has some needs and wants that aren't
being met, which is fine. He's not addressing them in the
right way. But he also might have
unrealistic and unhealthy ideas of those needs which the woman
should not have to meet if she'snot comfortable with that.
Because let's be real here, he'sprobably watching regular porn,
(07:21):
which a lot of that is very unrealistic.
It's not. The people doing it are acting.
A lot of the time they're not even actually engaging in the
art of sex as I should say like the woman most of the time is
not actually orgasming. It's all for show and he wants
(07:42):
her to watch that. So would he rather her just act
like a porn star or actually enjoy the encounter that they're
having and her get pleasure? Right, Because it doesn't seem
like that to me. Right?
Because he's also threatening togo be with someone else.
(08:02):
So it seems like a frequency andan addiction problem.
He might even have a sex addiction.
Right. Yeah, which which again, that's
what I'm saying is like it's theporn addiction, right?
But he's also looking for a person to do the stuff with, so
it's further than that. It's that's what triggers porn.
But that's what triggers that sort of yeah, 1, you know what
I'm saying? So of not being fulfilled in in
(08:24):
your relationship when you're having sex 2 * a week, would you
get? Also, I don't think it's healthy
in my opinion, if you're having sex constantly that is inspired
by porn or just unrealistic and that you're just trying to meet
like a quota. Because I also think that just,
(08:46):
yes, sex is a good thing, but I also too much of a good thing is
also not good for you, right? So he's definitely in the
addiction part. And then also she's just feeling
like an object at this point andshe's still even having sex with
him twice a week. Which which again, like so he's
creating his. It's kind of hard to dissect it
(09:07):
because because he's creating his own problem because probably
what he's looking for is the keyword, which is enthusiasm,
right? That's like when the guy guys
don't know how to communicate this.
But mostly what guys looking foris enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm is the best thing. So as a woman, if you want to
please a man, enthusiasm, that'swhat men want, right?
(09:30):
So but because he's making it anobligation that's causing her to
have less enthusiasm, right? So it's a job that she has to do
in addition to her job, in addition to taking care of her
daughter is now she has to handle this fighting about it
once a week. It's become a chore to her.
So then she lacks enthusiasm, which makes it so that he is
(09:54):
even more upset about it and so.Now he's threatening her.
And so which also is going to make it it less enthusiasm,
right? That's, that's worse.
So that now she's, she says thatshe's lost her sex drive.
She hasn't lost her sex drive. She's lost her sex drive with
him, right, because he has caused it to become so by making
(10:15):
it. And, and that's the biggest
mistake I think men make is to make it where it becomes a chore
instead of a seduction. If he wants her to have more of
a sex drive, he has to seduce her.
Sending her porn videos in pics is not seduction, right?
Not for a woman. Maybe if a woman sends it to a
(10:36):
man, that might be more seductive, but.
If a woman seen sends man a man porn videos.
Sends pictures of herself, right?
You know. I thought you said porn videos.
Or I, I don't know. Is he sending her porn videos
to? Yeah, he wants, yeah.
He wants her to do the things inthe porn videos.
He sends me pics and wants me torespond.
(10:57):
Yeah, but he also sends her pornvideos, right?
Probably. So you're confusing me.
I don't know, like he, he tells a man.
He doesn't want porn videos, is that what you're saying?
I don't think a man, a man wantsporn videos of the woman.
But I think he's sending like scripted porn, right?
I think so I think so and wants a response.
I don't know he it said that shehe sends pics and response and
(11:18):
wants to respond. I'm assuming that he's sending
sexy pics or whatever, but the point is is that's not
seduction. Seduction is like is like
setting the mood and. Making somebody feel wanted and
like you want them, not just youwant their orifices.
Exactly right. And that's how she feels, right?
(11:39):
Because even if she quit her jobor whatever, he's doing the most
to just try to get what he wantsright, which is getting off.
Because look, if you're a man, if you want to seduce, so if you
want to get a woman to be more in the mood, receptive for sex,
number one is I would say #1 is the relationship being intact #2
(12:04):
is less stress, which he is kindof trying to do that part of it.
But I think it's for the wrong reasons.
Right for the wrong reasons. And number three is talking
about how you're going to pleasure her, not what you not,
not how she's lacking in performance in this.
(12:26):
You know what I'm saying? Or like that.
Right, because otherwise she just feels used, right?
Like that whole thing would makeme feel so used, right?
It would make me feel like he doesn't want me, he just wants
something to stick his you know what in.
If I want to turn you on, right,I'm going to text you stuff
(12:47):
about how much I desire you, right?
Right and the things that I wantto do to you, right, because
that I like that like that's what's going to turn you on as a
woman, right? Am I right?
OK, it's not going to be if I text you, you're.
Not do this tonight. And I'm like, I don't know.
(13:08):
Right, right. It's like it's expressing desire
for you, not desire for just having sex or like, you know,
right, Right. Yeah, it's not just desire for
you to get your rocks off or whatever.
Or or you maybe I'm putting words in your mouth.
What? What should a guy text a woman?
Want her to get turned off? OK, no, I'm just want to make
(13:29):
sure because I want to make surethat you're not.
No, yeah, it. Yeah, or or what else am I?
Missing her like or that you want her not you just want sex
or like you just want to get offor like you're trying to turn
her into your own personal porn star and you don't care about
her. Right?
(13:49):
Which like maybe we're not getting the full picture because
that is her perspective, but himthreatening to go be with
someone else makes me feel like we're not missing that much
because all of this points to somebody.
It doesn't matter who has a sex addiction, who, right?
It doesn't matter who it is. He just wants to get his.
(14:12):
He doesn't care about her. Not a high desire for.
Her specifically, right? Just a high desire for sex.
OK, so so he wants her to get inthe mood.
What does he text her? You tell me.
Like, you don't have to give theexact exact explicit, but the
general. You know what I mean?
Like, I don't know, like I can'twait to do certain things to you
(14:34):
tonight. And he says the certain things.
I'm not going to say them on here.
OK, But you know, like, or you know, you turn me on so much
when you do this or you know, I don't know.
It's focused on her, right, right.
So that's. What you've been saying, I don't
know what I am. I'm just, I just think.
It just because I it's better for guys listening to hear it
(14:57):
from you. You know, they're like John
doesn't know what he's. No, we already know that men
want sex, right? But if you make it seem like you
just care about your needs, that's a huge turn off because
you're supposed to be persuadingthe woman to have sex with you.
Like not saying women never should initiate, but it should
(15:19):
mostly be the man because you need it more.
Like women enjoy it, they also need it, but men need it more.
And their their sexual desire ismore of a responsive right.
So women's, yeah, a woman is more turned on by being desired.
Right, if a man just like, take her clothes off, right, she's
(15:42):
drier than the Sahara does. Whereas the man has.
I want to see your beautiful body and like, gently takes it
off himself or something that's totally different.
Right. That's more OK.
Like they don't want to be commanded like I mean.
Well, I mean. You know what I mean?
They don't want to be like, the guy doesn't care.
He's just like, do this, yeah. But even the commanded like, the
(16:04):
dominance comes from a desire. It's like I want you to do this.
I want this like because I because I want you, not because
I just want. You have to like set the scene
with that before you demand things.
Exactly, Yeah. Yeah, he's just demanding
things. He's like, I want it more days
of the week. I want you to watch these
videos. I want you to respond
(16:25):
immediately to my Dick pics I'm sending you.
I wasn't going to say that word,but and I don't want you to work
so that you can have time to do whatever I want you to do.
And if you don't do those thingsand I'm finding someone else to
sleep with, does that sound likea man that like any woman would
want to be with? No, finding someone else is is
sort of. That's for how I know that all
(16:48):
the other stuff he's saying is all about him, right?
Right. And that he doesn't care.
About That's a big turn off. Yeah, no, that's the ultimate
turn. Right like that she's.
Lucky if she hasn't already doneit then like go ahead.
Because he's trying to negotiatea contract, right?
It's like instead of seduction where he wants enthusiasm and
(17:08):
desire, he's killing enthusiasm and desire.
Because now it's like transactional.
Because now he's like permanently.
He's like, these are my needs. If you don't fulfill my needs,
I'm going to find someone who does.
Right? Which at A at a logical level,
as a man, that seems like, Oh yeah, that makes sense.
However, what you actually want is for her to be into it, right?
(17:28):
Like you want her to want it. By making a transactional,
you're destroying that like you're bargaining for it.
Oh, I would have, I would have left him, he said.
The I'm going to find someone else.
Yeah, that's crossing the line. That's.
Ruin the entire relationship. I don't.
It's her decision. Yeah, but I know if I was that
(17:50):
woman, I would not be threatenedright?
That you're gonna go do this andit would not make me want to
ever do any of the things that he.
Wants. And how are you gonna be turned
on if you're substitutable? Because when he expresses desire
for you, is it just desire or desire for you?
Or if? You didn't do it the way that he
wanted. Is he actually?
(18:11):
Is he doing it right now? Is he with someone else?
Right. It's like again, OK, well here
like again, this is what I lost this train of thought.
But if women watch porn, the porn that women mostly watch is
lesbian porn. The reason being is because
women like to see them. Somebody care and like enjoy
(18:34):
what they're doing. Right, because women want to be
the center of the act, right? They, they want they're, they,
they get off by imagining them someone having a high desire for
them that much that they're putting a lot of effort into
(18:54):
giving her pleasure, right? But what men don't realize is
that if they did that, if they had the high desire, then she
has a higher desire to please you and do what you want.
But you have to invest the thingfirst.
And that's honestly probably whymen do initiate more and should
(19:14):
initiate more because you have to establish that especially if
she's a mom, she's in mom mode. You have to get her out of mom
mode by making her feel desired,making her feel sexy enough to
switch her brain over to it's sexy time now because it's very
hard. I'm only a step parent and half
(19:35):
the time to go from parent mode to sexy mode and men can do it.
We've been like in a situation where it's like we're talking
about something really freaking sad and then you 2 seconds later
you're like, so you ready to go?And I'm like, no, I'm not ready
to go. You know what I mean?
Men can just get there faster. But even then, like and and
(19:55):
that's something that I've realized is that yeah, you can.
But if you want the depth of theexperience, even I found myself
saying let's wait until we're ina better.
Emotional state, headspace, because I want this to be a
better experience for you, whichwill make it a better experience
for me. Yeah, right.
(20:16):
Overall. Well, in general.
And yeah, he's looking for good cheap Yeah yeah stuff.
Women want to be considered. That's also a turn on.
Again, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but.
No, but you tell me about. Things that's not right.
No, you're saying all the right things and he's the opposite of
that. He's like, I want it more often.
He seems like the guy that doesn't care how it is for her.
(20:39):
Like you said, he's just lookingto fill the quota.
He's like 2 days isn't enough. We got to get the 4:00.
What if there's been a bad day and they've only have one more
day left in the week and they'reon #3 and she's in a emotional
state and he's like, we haven't,it's more not at 4.
Got to get this. Yeah, it seems like that.
Yeah. That's cheap.
(20:59):
It's the experience. I'm going to go to the next one
on the list. Right.
And then like, OK, yeah, I don'teven.
Yeah, that's the good. Thing that he said.
It's really the threatening. Never to never to to completely
shut down a woman's sex drive. Forever, right?
Those doesn't work to you? Yeah, she's not going to be able
to trust you. Yeah, because whatever you say,
she's not going to believe it. She's going to be like, you
(21:21):
would just say that to any girl,right?
Right. Because literally I'm replacing.
He would just go and find someone else if she did it 3
days of the week and not 4. Yeah, it's different because
there's going to be guys that are watching and I and I've
talked to guys where the their wife or whatever partner hasn't
had sex with them in a month. And that's a long time.
(21:42):
And then they're like, OK, my needs aren't being met.
If you're not going to meet my my needs, I'm going to find
someone who is going to. But even then that might be true
and, and, and you may be justified in that, right?
Like if if you're married to someone and they're not
fulfilling your sexual needs, ifthey're not having sex with you
basically on a, on a, what wouldbe a reasonable basis, like
(22:07):
reasonably fulfilling your needs, then then yeah, then you
may want to go and find someone else.
Like exit that relationship, find another relationship.
However, saying that as a threatwill not solve your problem.
That will make your problem worse.
You don't say that unless you'reat you're halfway out the door.
(22:28):
You don't say that. Even then.
Yeah, you are ready to leave because your needs haven't been
met for so long that because that will ruin your
relationship. And even then don't say that.
Like if you're at that point, then just leave.
But because and the reason why Isaid that is because that won't
solve the problem. Right.
No, because. It just, it just never.
There's no point. Like even logically, the woman
(22:49):
might agree with you and she might even like give you pity
sex in order to, to not have youleave, but you won't be getting
what you actually want. Like if you want to solve the
problem. And in this, in this case, it's
ridiculous because like he should never say that in that
case, like, and he's not justified.
But in the case where let's say you are in that situation as a
man and you're with a partner who is not, not giving you not
(23:14):
fulfilling your needs sexually, then the proper response is to
figure out why. Like how can you create the
desire and start? And so number one is starting at
the relationship because what isthe level of the relationship?
Fix that problem 1st and then second to then start to look at,
(23:36):
OK, how can you make it so that she actually wants to have sex
with you versus you demanding it?
It's like women are like a cat, right?
Or like cats like you. You can't be like chasing the
cat around like pun pun intendedI guess.
But if you're chasing. We know, we know.
(23:59):
You're not going to get the cat,you know, but you got to, you
got to get the cat to come to you, right?
Which means being on your purpose, like go to the gym, go
work out, go like work on your business or whatever it is and
your hobbies and stuff. And then treat her well and
seduce her, right? Show her that you have a high
desire for her, but you have sexual discipline because women
(24:21):
don't like a man that doesn't have sexual discipline.
It's unattractive. And what he's displaying is
what? Totally unhinged, no sexual
discipline whatsoever. Right, because if he was like,
instead of having the approach of two times a week is not
enough. You need to up your game.
You need to watch this porn videos and you know, and you
need to like perform otherwise you're out.
(24:41):
I'm going to sub in someone elseinstead.
If he was like 2 * a week is notenough, not for a woman that
looks like you. I I got to have more.
I can't resist you, you know, like it's just it's I just I
can't when I see you, I just need you.
That's more in the direction of you're going to get more than
(25:02):
two times a week, right? You know what I'm saying?
But telling her how she's not performing right, It is not
usually I'm saying is if it's coming.
From. If it's coming from a desire for
her, right, she's going to want to fulfill that need, yeah.
Versus if it's coming from a. Your desire to just get off.
Right, then that's not it. So that's so that's the approach
(25:23):
is like if you're in that situation where you're in kind
of a sexless marriage or whatever, make the woman feel
desired that you can't resist her.
That's why you need it. Not because you just need it and
you don't have sexual discipline, but because she's
making it hard for you to have sexual discipline.
She's making it hard for you to not exactly to not to resist her
(25:47):
specifically as a human being. Yeah, that's the thing.
That's the Am I right? Yes, you're right.
You know you're right. I want to make sure double
checking. I'm double right because that's
the the way that you solve this problem.
No, not because threatening and it's just drying.
Up ending is the dumbest, dumbest thing you could do.
Drying it up like the Sahara does it like.
(26:08):
Only threaten if you you're OK with your relationship actually
ending. Yeah.
Because I don't know what women would stay after all that.
And she's giving him sex twice aweek.
Like you said, some people have gone a month, some people have
gone longer than that months. Some people gone years.
And they're still there. And I'm not saying that they
should be and that, you know, that their needs don't matter.
(26:30):
But this the woman is saying they have sex twice a week.
They've been together 12 years. And in in the in the dynamic,
even just that you said the words she's giving him sex twice
a week. Right, she doesn't want to.
It's already like the fact that she's giving him like that, that
you would even say those words. That's because no.
Woman it should never would feellike to.
Have sex in that situation, right not.
(26:53):
Exactly. It should never feel like if she
has to give you sex, then you'reyou're it should, it should be
flipped. It should be like you're giving
her sex. It's like you're giving her the
D, you know, like. The experience.
Exactly like you, but which alsomeans that's the other element
of this too. As a man, again, if you want a
woman to be into it, desire her,like show that specific desire
(27:16):
for her, but also do you think she wants the porn for like no,
no, give her the experience thatis the seduction experience of
you focusing on her and her pleasure.
Because if you want someone to do something more of something,
then it should be something theylike doing.
(27:38):
So make it something that's irresistible for them.
It's also offensive that he's like watch this porn video to
learn, which means that whateverthey're doing, he doesn't like.
He likes this other thing more. So she wants, he wants her to
learn that. Yeah, and you want her to watch
Dick's which? Means that she's been that he's
been watching that so much that he prefers that over what she's
(28:02):
giving him twice a week. And it's offensive.
And also it's also offensive to be like here, learn this, watch
this video as opposed to. Right.
Or like, hey, can't we try like let's try this after you've
already like fed into her with the desire and made her feel,
you know, good about herself and, you know, foreplay,
(28:23):
whatever. Then try to be like, hey, we
should try this like, you know, whatever.
Tell her what you want. So much more open to doing that
right? I mean, I don't recommend men
look up porn stuff and then try to sneak it in there, even if
they are doing whatever. Well, and but and again, they
have their own things that they want to try.
(28:45):
There's nothing wrong with that.And a woman will be way more
likely if she feels like you're invested in her and care about
her to try to fulfill your needs.
And it's not a selfish thing because I'm sure men are
listening. Well lying.
Can't they just fulfill my needs?
And she she will if she constantly feels desired by you.
Sometimes she will just fulfill your needs and she'll want to
(29:06):
because she's used to feeling desired by you.
And you tell me again, I'm not, you know, you tell me these are,
these are obvious. But I'll tell.
You obvious question, but look which is which is more likely to
be met with enthusiasm. Hey I saw this porn video and
the girl was doing this. You should do that.
(29:31):
Or you know what would really turn me on?
I was thinking like if you did this, that would really turn me
on, like seeing you do this to me.
Obviously the second one. OK, so instead of like sending
her a video and be like, you should be more like this this
(29:53):
woman, if you're like, oh, you know what's really hot, what I
would find really hot if you didthis, Not who doesn't let some
random girl, but you did this. I want you.
I want you to do this. That would be really fucking
hot. Like that would really turn me
on if you did that. Like I was fantasizing about you
(30:14):
doing this to me. I was fantasizing about you
doing this. It really.
Yeah, don't say you're watching a porn and you want right.
You see what I'm saying right? Like even if it was like but.
But it shouldn't. Be no, but like the approach
right if you want it to actuallyhappen is Am I just smoking
crack or is that the better approach?
(30:35):
Think of it from a business standpoint, right lane, where
you're at right now, you're investing in certain things so
you can be better at your business, right?
As a man, you have to invest in your woman to have better sex,
right? You can't just tell her what to
do. Investing doesn't mean tell her
what to do. That means get your hands dirty
and get in there and like, no pun intended, but like focus on
(30:57):
her and giving her that experience.
So then she opens up and she gives you the return on
interest, right? Does that make sense?
Right? Like men's drive for sex is
different. And if they want to enjoy it to
a higher level than they're evencapable of, because we talked
about this before, we're like men's pleasure meters like one
to five. And a woman's is way more.
(31:18):
But you can even get past five if you've set up the scene so
that she's so turned on and now you're so turned on and now
you're both so turned on and nowyou can even get to a higher
level than you thought. But if you're turned on because
you're a man and it's pretty easy to do that.
But she's kind of like, eh, right.
Then you might get like a three,which isn't bad.
(31:39):
And some men are like, oh, well,three's a three, you know, or
whatever. Like they don't care, you're not
getting. But they've also never had the
sick. Right, because you're not
getting enthusiasm from her, right?
Which is like and what? Why do guys like porn?
Because the enthusiasm. It's all about enthusiasm.
But that's what guys, because when guys are like, I want you
to be like this girl in the pornbecause what does a girl in the
porn do? Like, Oh my God, right?
(32:02):
Evan that's what they want. Like whatever she's acting like,
she's like good, right? But.
Right. She's acting though.
Right. Exactly, exactly.
But if you want enthusiasm right, then you've got to
inspire the enthusiasm. Can't Unsee what you just did.
I feel like a dead fish or something.
(32:26):
But when when guys are like watch this porn video, I want
you to be more like this woman. Mostly it's.
Insulting. Mostly what they're talking
about is the enthusiasm. Well then they should just say
that because it's insulting to be like watch this and be like
this lady. Yeah, but but, but what I'm
saying though is that like if you want that, you have to
inspire that, right, Right. Which means.
(32:48):
That in the person to give you the thing.
You got to figure out how do youget that out of her?
You can't just you don't just get it for you don't pull a
lever and then it's like or likebargain that it's like, I want
you to pretend like you're enthusiastic.
Like do you want her to pretend like she's enthusiastic like a
porn star, like an actress, or do you want her to actually be
enthusiastic? Right, right.
(33:08):
Because that's the thing I don'tknow.
Because that's what I think would take either.
Because guys. Guys are turned on by the porn
because they see the woman's reaction, right?
That's what is. I guess I mean I'm not a.
Guy the element just like women are turned on by the right, like
this similar type of thing, right?
And and so if you're trying to get that reaction, you got to
(33:28):
figure out how to engineer that,not just ask her to do it cuz
how do you just be enthusiastic?Like, I mean, there, there's
some like putting effort into itto a thing, but if you want that
kind of reaction, you you gotta gotta.
Do something. Right, exactly.
So yeah, let me see what else wehad in there that was.
(33:49):
I don't know. Well, the other thing about.
The camera got kicked. To the group, yeah, that was
it's just real. But the other thing was about
like, because she's, I mean, theother piece is to say like, OK,
she's spending time with her daughter, with their their
daughter. She said her daughter daughter
too, which is already telling ofwhere the relationship is,
right? Yeah, but or maybe it is her
(34:11):
daughter, maybe she has a separate.
But either way, it shouldn't be said that.
Way what? They're 30 something and they've
been together 12 years. Yeah.
So probably their daughter. Probably, most likely right,
because I would put her at 21. Yeah, right when they got
married. So, you know, possibly.
But either way, like again, praise her for spending time
(34:35):
with your daughter, Yeah, or herdaughter or whatever it is like
because that like on those cold.Inappropriate pictures with not
of that you know she's with her.Not, yeah, exactly.
Not at that time. Yeah, no.
Be like, even if you're like, ifshe's with her, she's spending
time with the daughter, then youcan like text her and be like,
wow, that's you're such a good mom.
(34:56):
That's such a great thing. Like I'm so lucky to have
married someone who has such a kind heart or, you know,
whatever. And then and then at the and
then the little yes. PS when you're when you're
alone, let me know I got something else to send you or
something like that. Or a little PS like PS by the
(35:17):
way, like wait, like I hint at something tonight.
I'm gonna right. That's better.
I'm gonna show you how much thatI you know.
That's better. I'm not saying that Dick pics
don't work or women don't like them, but it is way less than
men think they think like a man and that they visual, which it's
(35:39):
not like women don't. But you're way more likely to
turn her on with saying something about like, oh, I
can't wait to do this to you tonight or whatever.
Like PS Like I've been thinking about you all day.
Whatever. Like something, you know?
PS We're going to the melting pot tonight.
Be a good time. Something like that is probably
(36:00):
going to work better, honestly, because women's brains are
different. And especially if she's with her
daughter again, she's in mom mode, and then you're just going
to send her, even if you say a nice thing and then you're like,
let me know when you're alone. And then just a penis pops up.
Yeah, that's not it's. Like she's not there.
You haven't set the mood like you kind of have, but the
(36:22):
verbally telling her things likethat will start the fire earlier
than just a picture would. Exactly.
But men like pictures, and so I'm not saying that women
shouldn't send men pictures. Right, for sure, yeah.
And I'm not saying that men should never send pictures or
whatever they want to send like that, but I feel like you have
to read the room, right? Like if you guys already kind of
(36:44):
been like flirty texting throughout throughout the day
and you send one, right, that's actually the ideal time because
you've already kind of built herup a little bit and then now
she's already kind of in that state and you're going to just
push her even further. But if you just send it.
Right. Yeah, even if.
She's at the grocery store and she's not with her kids.
She's going to be like. Oh, that reminds me, I need to
get more cucumber, right? Yeah, she's.
(37:06):
Going to be like OK like. Or or or.
Hopefully she's not. I need to get some celery like.
I'm like I. Some baby carrots.
I need to get some baby. Carrots, Oh my God, John, she's
like, I'm trying to focus on this and then he's like ready to
go you know what I mean? There's a there's a disconnect,
(37:29):
but I think that's why men have to, like you said, is invest in
her and get her going because that is the harder part because
women don't just go from zero to100 like men do.
It's a gradual process. That's why foreplay exists.
Like if it was up to men, just stick it in, boom, bang, boom,
(37:50):
done. I mean, they also want to have a
good time too, but I'm saying that they could live with that.
A woman no woman could live with, just direct in, with
nothing at all, you know, and that.
And that's also kind of part of the whole thing is it's like if
you're sending her porn stuff and trying to like, get her to
like, you're probably not. I would guess that this guy is
(38:13):
not good in the bedroom. Like, he might think he is like
a porn star because he can like,do some moves or something.
But that's not what is actually impressive, right?
Like he only cares about himself.
Right. It's like it's.
Based on all that. It's taking it and plus, OK,
look, I'll say this. I mean, two to three times a
week, I think that's good, right?
But if you're really doing it the right way, like 2 times is
(38:35):
going to be it's going to be right.
You know what I mean? If you're actually because it
should be like a 3 or 4 hour, right ordeal, right, right,
Like, and I'm not talking about 3 or 4 hours of pumping right,
like because people get it. It's like it's there's, it might
take, you know, some long time before you even getting to to
there. It's an experience.
Because you're making an experience for her.
(38:58):
You're you're create then then you're creating an experience
where she's going to want to participate in that, right.
And then and then also it's going to create a more
fulfilling experience if you're just like, if you're like, oh,
well, yeah, I need like 5 Wham, bam, thank you Mams per week.
Yeah, I get that. That makes sense if that's what
you're treating it as, right. But but if you're going all out
(39:18):
and spending the time, you know you're going to be carving out
like 2 to 3 hours at a time to be able to have sexy time.
One really cultivated O is better than 20 uncultivated O's
that aren't even real, you know what I mean?
Like that are not on the same level in any way.
(39:40):
Or or none at all, which is whatthat's true a lot of times is
what's happening right? Especially if.
You're if that is a miserable. Dictating it off important
videos then it's probably I'm. Giving her zero.
She's probably not getting her kicks in this situation, Yeah,
because she doesn't even want tobe doing it.
Yeah, let me see if there was other pieces of this that we're
(40:04):
going to break down. OK so he wants me to watch porn
so I can learn how to do better and act send me pics and wants
to respond. Wants me to quit my job so I'm
less hard to have sex with him. So this is the only thing that
he said. She says we oh she does say we
have a daughter and I work 3 twelves per week.
He gets upset that I don't respond to these ticks pics but
(40:26):
I'm spending time with my daughter so.
So, OK, so that's the only one thing that that he sort of
almost has, right, Except for the wrong reason, right?
If you tell your wife I want youto quit your job, so let me.
Have sex more. What?
What did she say specifically? He wants me to quit my job so
I'm less tired to have sex with him.
(40:48):
OK, if you say it that way, thatdoes that makes about you.
Right. Right.
If you say you, my dear, are a Princess, and a Princess should
not have to work that hard. You should be able to relax.
Let me take care of you. Let me make your life easier.
(41:09):
I don't like you to have all this stress, baby.
I don't like you to have to worry about all this stuff or
feel like you got to like. Let me take care of you.
Go get your nails done. Go enjoy yourself.
Let me do the work. I got you.
It's also conditional cuz it is better.
Which one is more? Sexy.
Also conditional the one you just said I which didn't make
(41:32):
you wanna. Have.
Sex. John's trying to start something
on this podcast today, but yeah,that's not gonna happen here
now, but maybe later. But it's an issue because it's
conditional. He wants her to stay home to
have sex with him, right? That's all he cares about.
Right. But if she was like.
Not because she's tired, and just in general because she's
(41:53):
too tired to have sex with him. But if she was like, oh, the
work, my back hurts. He'd be like, tough, just
fucking do it. Like I work, right.
But if it's like, I want you to have more sex with me, then it's
like, oh, you don't have to work.
And she feels that it's not about him caring about her,
(42:14):
right? That's the thing.
And so it's defeating the purpose.
Like, like he's right in the, inthe sense that.
Yeah, in order for a woman to bemore in the mood, take the
stress off of her, that's also why I say, man, take the
checkbook and take care of the finances.
Because if she's worrying about the bills and like, I need to
(42:34):
pay this bill, I need to do all this stuff, that's the mental
checklist she's going through atnight when you're trying to, you
know, get something get going on, right?
And but if you're taking off allof these pressures off of her
and she can spend time with withyour daughter and spend time
relaxing and being feminine and whatever, she doesn't have all
(42:55):
the stresses of the world. She deals with the emotional
stuff, you know, but you help her with that, then she's more
likely to be in the mood becausewomen can go like, if women,
again, I don't know, trying to put a word in your mouth.
So you tell me if I'm wrong on this, but women could go like a
month without sex if they're stressed out, busy, all kinds of
shit is going on in their life. It's it's a lower priority
(43:17):
thing, right? Yeah, but a dude is not going a
month without. Right, he might die.
Right, yeah, but what I'm sayingis like a woman be like, Oh
yeah, I didn't even realize I haven't had sex there or or
masturbated in a month like. That's exactly why the man has
to get the woman going, because even if she doesn't work or
(43:38):
something, it's she's got emotions, she's got all these
things in her head still. It is less if she's not working,
but still that can distract her from that or like emotionally
exhaust her or whatever. So if you're not trying to help
get her in the mood, it's going to be very hard.
(43:59):
And yes, like she can do it, butit is harder for women.
I'm not saying that it's impossible and I'm not saying
that again that women should never initiate or anything like
that, But the more you invest inher, the more likely that that's
even going to happen as well. Because like I said, if she
feels like you desire her consistently, she'll just do
(44:19):
things for you because she feelsthat and she wants to please you
as well. So he would even get some of the
stuff that he's trying to force onto her on her own, she would
just do if he actually did it the right way, like you're
saying, right? Yeah.
But the way he's going about it.No and trash and do you and
(44:39):
don't send her the porn video doyou want.
Her. That's so stupid.
First of all, do you want her addicted to the porn video?
And second of all, do you like if you're comparing her to the
women in the porn and you're sending her videos of porn, is
she not going to look at those the Dicks and be like compare
you and you can't change that. I don't.
Even think it. Act more like the porn actors
(45:01):
you can't like alter your the size of your member I don't even
think. It's really that.
I I know, but I'm just like. I think it's just really
insulting. Yeah.
And it's kind of like prying on her insecurities.
It's like, watch this woman and be like her, right If you don't
do this. Then you're going to.
Replace you? That's crying on her
(45:23):
insecurities. You're trying to get her to do
stuff and by making her more insecure about herself not
feeling good enough for you, you're literally only telling
her that you'll keep her at homeso she'll have sex with you
more. Like how does she not feel like
an object? Well, yeah, yeah, well, and like
I said, if you turn it around and if she was like, look, you
(45:43):
know, I'm here's the porn video,look at this guy.
He's got like a nine inch member.
You need to get the penis pump and you need to like whatever
you need to like do. If you're not up to I'm going to
get the ruler next week. And if you're not, you know, up
to this level, then I'm going togo find the a guy that who is.
See, if she's staying and she's petty, she'd do that.
(46:05):
But I'm just saying like, how would you feel about that like
that? Like they wouldn't that around.
They don't because it's the same.
How's it different? It's not.
It's the same thing, right? It seems ridiculous when I say
it, but ridiculous but. Sometimes you gotta say it out
loud and but it's the thing together.
Is it not the exact same thing? It is, but he doesn't think
(46:27):
about that. He's not thinking about that.
Yeah. Because he's trying to make her
feel so insecure to just do whatever he wants, and he
doesn't think that she'll do that.
Let me see if there was anythingelse that was in there that was
like. You know what though?
I'm I'm glad he said what he said because she deserves to
know the type of man that she's with.
And I don't know if he's always been that man or what.
(46:49):
They've been together a really long time.
I don't know if he got a porn addiction and then it's turned
into a sex addiction and this issomething new or what.
She didn't say how long it's been going on, but I'm cloudy
showed his true color because ifI were her I'd be like what the
actual hell? It's pretty clear that she's
just being used. She's just literally.
Point. Yeah, right.
(47:09):
Because he said that and and this is the key thing is right,
she says. I really don't have a sex drive.
I'm exhausted and it's getting to the point I want left alone.
She's emotionally exhausted as well.
I don't even think she's maybe she's got to be tired from her
job. She's doing 312 hour shifts.
But I think she's emotionally exhausted from him, Emotionally
exhausted from feeling never being enough for him, that he's
(47:32):
trying to turn her into someone else and doesn't accept her that
she's already giving him sex. And I do say giving because he's
not doesn't seem like he's setting the mood and it's not
enough. And then she's he's sending
pictures at inappropriate times where she's not gonna be in the
mood. So he's gonna he's gonna be mad
that she's not and then tells her that she doesn't have to go
(47:56):
to work if she has more sex withthem.
Like it's all conditional and itdoesn't feel like he cares about
her at all. He's basically destroying all of
the sexual part of the relationship because all of the
things because he's creating triggers.
Also now he's never going to send pics and she's always,
every time he sends pics, even if they fix this problem, she's
(48:20):
going to go back to those times and feel that way.
And so you know what I'm saying is like any kind of thing about
some kind of porn, do this thing, do that now.
Like if he went about things theright way, he could have made
her deceptive to the things thathe wants.
Like because he probably has needs and he's just an idiot,
right? It's like he wants her to do
certain things. He wants her to whatever.
(48:42):
Or maybe he wants more frequencyor more enthusiasm or whatever
it is. And he could have had those
things had he gone about them the right way.
But now he's burned the bridges on those, on those things,
because now he's created to the point where she's like, I just
want to be left alone. Right, right.
Doesn't even probably want to have sex with them at all.
Exactly. So it's, it's like if, and, and
(49:03):
I guess I kind of wanted this episode because there's a lot of
guys that are, I mean, this is ridiculous.
Like it seems like, but there's a lot of guys that feel like
they're, they're not, their sexual needs aren't being met to
the degree that they would like them to be.
And so they just have to learn how to go about it the right
way, right, rather than the wrong way.
Like intimidation, bargaining, that stuff doesn't work.
(49:24):
My thing like is he not still attracted to his wife?
Because I know a lot of guys they have an issue.
It's still being attracted to their wife instead of and I
think maybe they go to porn or maybe they and whatever, and
maybe it spirals into this because they've lost attraction
for her for some way. And I would say that he needs,
(49:44):
if that's the case, he needs to be attracted to his wife again,
because like you said, this whole time, the more you pour
into her, the more she'll pour into you because she'll feel
like you want her. Not you just want a hole, right?
And that's the key, like becauseshe'll probably give you a
whole, but it's not going to be enthusiastic if you're not
(50:05):
making her feel desired or you're comparing her to
something or you're not actuallyattracted to her.
And if you've gone to do watching porn or whatever, you
need to stop. You need to desensitize like,
like sensitize yourself again toyour wife, not desensitize
yourself by watching all these things.
Like you need to deprive yourself of the thing that
(50:27):
you've become addicted to in order to appreciate the thing
that you have, the real person, not your hand, the real person
you have, and realize that you can have a much better
experience if you invest in thatand her then if you invest in
just watching porn and using your hand.
(50:49):
Yeah, or whatever. Or whatever.
Flashlight. And you know it.
And it's like, like if, if I, ifyou weren't in the mood and I
wanted to get you in the mood, right, I wouldn't be like make
demands of you. I wouldn't be like, this isn't
(51:10):
fair or like, you know, I, I wouldn't throw a fit about it.
Instead, my tactic would be to tell you how much that I desire
like to to tell you how much I'mattracted to you to like that.
I know that would work 100% of the time.
Like I know that I could get youin the mood 100% of the time.
(51:31):
If you're like, I don't feel like having sex tonight.
I know 100% that if I am going after the how much that you're
turning me on and how much I can't resist you that pretty
soon I'm going to turn the pointwhere you're going to be like,
OK, let's do it right. Like I'm going to be able to
build it. So that's the thing.
It's like, I mean, it could be that he's not attracted to his
(51:51):
his wife, in which case obviously then her response is
adequate, right? That why would you want to have
sex with someone who's not attracted to you?
Right and not showing you desire.
And exactly. And so the answer is like, show
your attraction to her, right? That's that's what she needs to
see. And that's the answer.
That's it. It's so simple, you know.
(52:13):
Show her enthusiasm, you get enthusiasm.
Right, there you go. Yeah, that's it.
That's. The male conversion, that's it.
Got to simplify it a little bit.But yeah, but I mean, that's
yeah, that's it. But but like I said, in this
situation, it's not one where and he refuses marriage
counseling also, which is. That's a red flag.
Well, that's also why he would be getting a swift kick to the
(52:38):
I'd be like, go, go find as manyother women as you would like.
And this woman is actually saying, does this seem like
reasonable expectations? No.
My question is, does this seem like like, you know what I'm
saying? Like she's even even to the.
He's gas lit her into being likethis normal.
Exactly you you have a woman that actually after all of this
(53:00):
still is questioning whether shehas is is reasonable so.
Sounds like not a great relationship.
Yeah, but it also sounds like dummy, like you have a woman
that clearly is into you, right?And likes you.
But you've given her the ick. Right, exactly.
So because it's not like she's, you know, like the other
question we asked where the woman's like he's financially
(53:23):
abusing me like you would you rather have that woman?
Come on. Yeah.
So I don't know but he might have messed it up.
But yeah, but I was saying like,obviously in this case it seems
ridiculous, but like in other cases, I know that guys just
need to like use your brain and figure out how you can be the
seducer rather than demanding, you know, how can you make
(53:47):
someone want to give you It's just good advice in life.
Instead of trying to demand things from people, how can you
make it so that they want to give you the thing?
Right? I think it's it's Dale Carnegie,
how to win friends and influencepeople.
Doesn't he just talk about how can you make it so that to to
create an an eager desire withinsomeone to want to give you the
(54:11):
thing that you want? Yeah.
So how do you create that earnest desire within them,
right. That's the way to go about
things, not trying to threaten people and.
And that's the key, is the earnest desire, not the acting
desire. Yeah, yeah.
Not the get your acting shoes on.
Yeah, and never, ever tell a woman anything about another
(54:33):
woman that that's the. That should be common sense.
That's just the number one common sense.
Never, ever say it. That should be common sense, is
that not? Amongst men.
Don't say my ex-girlfriend did this.
Don't say she did this better. Don't say she had a higher sex
drive. Don't say anything was an idiot.
(54:55):
Yeah. Don't say I'm gonna find another
woman. None of that stuff.
God, yeah. Yikes.
Well, all I got to say is I'm soglad I have you.
All right. Well, anything else that you
have on on this, I think we. No, I just think that if that
(55:17):
Lady hasn't left him, she shouldleave him.
Yeah, yeah. I mean.
No, the threatening. Yeah, the threatening like that,
that has to be not tolerated. Trust.
Yeah, that's. Like that's how is she supposed
to trust if she doesn't do the thing that he said, right?
How could she trust that he's not going to go find someone
else? And it's like, because can she
(55:37):
even have what even conversationcan she have with him, right?
Like to be like, besides, oh, she's actually here when he
sends her the porn video to watch.
She can send him this episode towatch.
There you go. You're like, they're still
together and be and be like thatdude.
Yeah, right. I hope she's still not with him,
(56:00):
but I mean, I don't like to, youknow, tell people to get a
divorce. But threatening your spouse and
giving all these demands. Yeah, it.
Doesn't. It's not loving and caring.
No. So.
All right, well. Men, listen to John.
He knows what he's talking about.
(56:22):
If you need some help, some coaching, reach out to us and
we'll we'll help you, right? We'll help you figure this out.
Yeah, because it's not. It's not that hard.
It's not rocket science once youget it.
No, no, that's why people need to watch all the back catalog of
episodes, do their learn this stuff, you know, because.
(56:44):
I mean, you heard John. He knows what he's talking
about. He only asked me if I'm right,
right, or if I agree because he just needs to cover his bases.
But he knows what he's talking about.
Right. If I'm hitting it, you know, if
I'm, my batting average is that high.
And he got dressed. Then then it must be right,
right? Like Otherwise you'd be like.
(57:05):
That's close. I mean, he saw the lines down on
here, like I said. So yeah, they could feel it
through the camera. See how I seduced you seduced
her on this episode even like there you go.
Is that that's all it takes. It didn't right.
All right, all right, well, follow us at better than perfect
(57:25):
podcast on on Instagram. You know, all the things, all
the things and go to the websitebetterthanperfectpod.com.
You know, didn't want you to have to type in the cast, so we
made it easy for you. Better than perfectpod.com.
I don't think they had the cast.Yeah, that's yeah, but.
(57:46):
They didn't. Better than perfect I was.
Going to pay $10,000 for for thecast part.
Yeah, at Gmail if you want us totalk about your situation.
Yeah, and ask those questions. Otherwise, we'll just go through
Reddit like we'll find or, or, or just post on Reddit under
marriage and we'll, we'll find you and we'll, we'll bring it,
We'll bring it. So we'll bring your dark secrets
(58:07):
to. Hopefully we won't roast you
like this guy. All right, we'll see you next
week.
Men's drive for sex is different.
And if they want to enjoy it to a higher level than they're even
capable of, because we talked about this before where like
men's pleasure meters like one to five and a woman says way
more. But you can even get past five
if you've set up the scene so that she's so turned on and now
you're so turned on and now you're both so turned on and now
you can even get to a higher level than you thought.
(00:21):
But if you're turned on because you're a man and it's pretty
easy to do that, but she's kind of like, then you might get like
a three, which isn't bad. Some men are like, oh, well,
three's a three, you know, or whatever.
Like they don't care. But they've also never had the
six beyond the. Perfect, we discovered through
our flaws we complete each other.
(00:42):
Better than perfect we stay through every fault we find.
No way, right? Welcome back to the Better Than
Perfect podcast where every weekwe share with you how 2
imperfect people helping each other grow equals 1 better than
perfect relationship. Did you chug your water?
(01:03):
I know, I just have it here, youknow?
I just didn't want it to block my.
Your beautiful face. Exactly like, but like, it's
like you just suck the words outof my brain.
Yes. Yeah, that happens from time to
time. So we've been lurking.
Well, Speaking of sucking, do you want to just talk about our
(01:23):
our topic? For today, that's the good I was
going to say we've been lurking Reddit, but also sucking is good
too. You suck.
Yeah, no, we were lurking Redditand and found.
Nobody sends us any problems like.
You guys don't have any problems.
I mean, we're doing a good job. You're like, oh, good thing.
Yeah, it's all it's it's like when when you're like, do you
(01:44):
have any questions? Does that all make sense to you?
And they're like, yeah, yeah, itall makes sense.
I mean, it's perfectly explained.
So I don't have any questions. So that's it.
You must be watching the podcast.
You're like, oh, fixed all my relationship issues, got no
problems. Don't need to e-mail you.
That's all right. So we'll just go to Reddit and
find people that have real problems.
So no, we found one this this post in the marriage subreddit.
(02:06):
And I thought we'd just, you know, just answer this one.
I don't think you'd you haven't really studied the question.
I haven't really studied the question, so it'll be a bit of a
surprise, but we do know that itis about.
Sex. I think you found it so I you
studied it the most. Yeah, I read over it one time.
So so it says it's titled Husband wants me to provide
higher quality sex. My husband, 37 male and I-33
(02:31):
female have been married for 12 years.
We have sex about two times a week.
According to him, it's not enough.
He wants me to watch porn with him so I can quote, learn how to
do better and act. He sends me pics and wants me to
respond. He wants me to quit my job so
I'm less tired to have sex with him.
We have a daughter and I work 3 twelves per week.
(02:54):
He gets upset that I don't respond to these pics, but I am
spending time with my daughter. We get in fights almost every
week about our sex life. I really don't have a sex drive.
I'm exhausted and it's getting to the point I want left alone.
He's stating he will see other girls if I don't do better.
However, he refuses marriage counseling.
(03:15):
My question is, does this seem like reasonable expectations?
Threatening people is not reasonable.
Threatening your wife or husbandis not reasonable.
And when I read this, I was like, OK, there's just a lot of
talking points in here. There's a lot of advice, I think
as to as a man, if you wanted tosolve this problem, how to go
(03:38):
about it the right way, which this is not the right way.
And like, are some of his like, is it valid at all?
Like what he wants, right. And you know, and how, how do
you resolve this, right? So I mean, mostly it's going to
be directed at this guy. Well, why don't we start from
the beginning, yeah? So like what do you mean?
Sir, like dissect dissect parts from the beginning to the end.
(04:01):
Yeah, we could do that. Because so there's things with
her as well too, like that. I'm obviously going to talk
about the woman and. OK, so husband 3730.
She's 33, been married for 12 years.
OK. They've been married for 12
years and they have sex at leasttwice a week.
That is good. Right, that's good.
(04:22):
We that's good. That's good, right?
That's that's pretty good. That's reasonable.
That's way more than a lot of people get right at especially
12 years in. Right.
That's reasonable for frequency,right?
Like that? That's pretty reasonable.
I think that's definitely reasonable.
She she says According to him, it's not enough, which again,
(04:44):
enough. I'm going to go into my sales
training questions is what do you mean by not enough?
Right, but we can't ask. Right, because it's like, does
it mean frequency? Like because he might say it's
not enough or does it mean intensity or does it mean doing
the stuff that he wants right, like because.
Two times frequency, but it could be what she's doing if he
wants her to watch corn. Right.
(05:06):
Yeah. That could also mean.
I think we could just say porn because I don't know, AI is like
it's smart enough. Like they're they're not talking
about corn on the cob pouring onthe knob is wow, but.
So yeah, we don't know for sure.But honestly, I guess my thing
is, if you're complaining about two and it is a frequency
(05:29):
problem, how much do you want? Because 2 is not bad, right?
Two a week is not bad. Right.
Especially if she's working 3 twelves, right?
That's exhausting. And they have a daughter.
How old is their daughter? She didn't say how old their
daughter is, but. Yeah, that's a lot.
She's. Spending time with that.
Very hard also, too. You're skipping around.
But yeah, like, it's very hard to be in mom mode as well, too.
(05:56):
And then she's saying that he's sending pictures when she's with
her daughter. That's like, impossible, right?
Yeah, It's impossible to be likesex mode when you're with your
kid, right? It should be, because those
things should be separated, right?
1 is a private thing between youand your husband and then one is
(06:16):
like this innocent nurturing time with your kid.
And there's something that's notbeing said here, right?
Which is obvious to me is he hasa porn addiction, right?
That's why. Wants her to do the things like
and what is that? And that's why he's like so on
the frequency and the right, because he's got it on his brain
all the time. That's true.
(06:36):
That's probably. What is he doing at work?
Just looking at porn at work. Like he's sending her pics and
stuff and videos. Does that work?
I don't. I'm assuming he works.
He's telling her that she needs to quit her job so that she can
have more energy to. Just have sex with him.
That's actually kind of insane. It is it is kind of insane like,
but but again, like there's alsonot to belittle him to the
(06:58):
degree like, OK, maybe he has some needs and wants that aren't
being met, which is fine. He's not addressing them in the
right way. But he also might have
unrealistic and unhealthy ideas of those needs which the woman
should not have to meet if she'snot comfortable with that.
Because let's be real here, he'sprobably watching regular porn,
(07:21):
which a lot of that is very unrealistic.
It's not. The people doing it are acting.
A lot of the time they're not even actually engaging in the
art of sex as I should say like the woman most of the time is
not actually orgasming. It's all for show and he wants
(07:42):
her to watch that. So would he rather her just act
like a porn star or actually enjoy the encounter that they're
having and her get pleasure? Right, Because it doesn't seem
like that to me. Right?
Because he's also threatening togo be with someone else.
(08:02):
So it seems like a frequency andan addiction problem.
He might even have a sex addiction.
Right. Yeah, which which again, that's
what I'm saying is like it's theporn addiction, right?
But he's also looking for a person to do the stuff with, so
it's further than that. It's that's what triggers porn.
But that's what triggers that sort of yeah, 1, you know what
I'm saying? So of not being fulfilled in in
(08:24):
your relationship when you're having sex 2 * a week, would you
get? Also, I don't think it's healthy
in my opinion, if you're having sex constantly that is inspired
by porn or just unrealistic and that you're just trying to meet
like a quota. Because I also think that just,
(08:46):
yes, sex is a good thing, but I also too much of a good thing is
also not good for you, right? So he's definitely in the
addiction part. And then also she's just feeling
like an object at this point andshe's still even having sex with
him twice a week. Which which again, like so he's
creating his. It's kind of hard to dissect it
(09:07):
because because he's creating his own problem because probably
what he's looking for is the keyword, which is enthusiasm,
right? That's like when the guy guys
don't know how to communicate this.
But mostly what guys looking foris enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm is the best thing. So as a woman, if you want to
please a man, enthusiasm, that'swhat men want, right?
(09:30):
So but because he's making it anobligation that's causing her to
have less enthusiasm, right? So it's a job that she has to do
in addition to her job, in addition to taking care of her
daughter is now she has to handle this fighting about it
once a week. It's become a chore to her.
So then she lacks enthusiasm, which makes it so that he is
(09:54):
even more upset about it and so.Now he's threatening her.
And so which also is going to make it it less enthusiasm,
right? That's, that's worse.
So that now she's, she says thatshe's lost her sex drive.
She hasn't lost her sex drive. She's lost her sex drive with
him, right, because he has caused it to become so by making
(10:15):
it. And, and that's the biggest
mistake I think men make is to make it where it becomes a chore
instead of a seduction. If he wants her to have more of
a sex drive, he has to seduce her.
Sending her porn videos in pics is not seduction, right?
Not for a woman. Maybe if a woman sends it to a
(10:36):
man, that might be more seductive, but.
If a woman seen sends man a man porn videos.
Sends pictures of herself, right?
You know. I thought you said porn videos.
Or I, I don't know. Is he sending her porn videos
to? Yeah, he wants, yeah.
He wants her to do the things inthe porn videos.
He sends me pics and wants me torespond.
(10:57):
Yeah, but he also sends her pornvideos, right?
Probably. So you're confusing me.
I don't know, like he, he tells a man.
He doesn't want porn videos, is that what you're saying?
I don't think a man, a man wantsporn videos of the woman.
But I think he's sending like scripted porn, right?
I think so I think so and wants a response.
I don't know he it said that shehe sends pics and response and
(11:18):
wants to respond. I'm assuming that he's sending
sexy pics or whatever, but the point is is that's not
seduction. Seduction is like is like
setting the mood and. Making somebody feel wanted and
like you want them, not just youwant their orifices.
Exactly right. And that's how she feels, right?
(11:39):
Because even if she quit her jobor whatever, he's doing the most
to just try to get what he wantsright, which is getting off.
Because look, if you're a man, if you want to seduce, so if you
want to get a woman to be more in the mood, receptive for sex,
number one is I would say #1 is the relationship being intact #2
(12:04):
is less stress, which he is kindof trying to do that part of it.
But I think it's for the wrong reasons.
Right for the wrong reasons. And number three is talking
about how you're going to pleasure her, not what you not,
not how she's lacking in performance in this.
(12:26):
You know what I'm saying? Or like that.
Right, because otherwise she just feels used, right?
Like that whole thing would makeme feel so used, right?
It would make me feel like he doesn't want me, he just wants
something to stick his you know what in.
If I want to turn you on, right,I'm going to text you stuff
(12:47):
about how much I desire you, right?
Right and the things that I wantto do to you, right, because
that I like that like that's what's going to turn you on as a
woman, right? Am I right?
OK, it's not going to be if I text you, you're.
Not do this tonight. And I'm like, I don't know.
(13:08):
Right, right. It's like it's expressing desire
for you, not desire for just having sex or like, you know,
right, Right. Yeah, it's not just desire for
you to get your rocks off or whatever.
Or or you maybe I'm putting words in your mouth.
What? What should a guy text a woman?
Want her to get turned off? OK, no, I'm just want to make
(13:29):
sure because I want to make surethat you're not.
No, yeah, it. Yeah, or or what else am I?
Missing her like or that you want her not you just want sex
or like you just want to get offor like you're trying to turn
her into your own personal porn star and you don't care about
her. Right?
(13:49):
Which like maybe we're not getting the full picture because
that is her perspective, but himthreatening to go be with
someone else makes me feel like we're not missing that much
because all of this points to somebody.
It doesn't matter who has a sex addiction, who, right?
It doesn't matter who it is. He just wants to get his.
(14:12):
He doesn't care about her. Not a high desire for.
Her specifically, right? Just a high desire for sex.
OK, so so he wants her to get inthe mood.
What does he text her? You tell me.
Like, you don't have to give theexact exact explicit, but the
general. You know what I mean?
Like, I don't know, like I can'twait to do certain things to you
(14:34):
tonight. And he says the certain things.
I'm not going to say them on here.
OK, But you know, like, or you know, you turn me on so much
when you do this or you know, I don't know.
It's focused on her, right, right.
So that's. What you've been saying, I don't
know what I am. I'm just, I just think.
It just because I it's better for guys listening to hear it
(14:57):
from you. You know, they're like John
doesn't know what he's. No, we already know that men
want sex, right? But if you make it seem like you
just care about your needs, that's a huge turn off because
you're supposed to be persuadingthe woman to have sex with you.
Like not saying women never should initiate, but it should
(15:19):
mostly be the man because you need it more.
Like women enjoy it, they also need it, but men need it more.
And their their sexual desire ismore of a responsive right.
So women's, yeah, a woman is more turned on by being desired.
Right, if a man just like, take her clothes off, right, she's
(15:42):
drier than the Sahara does. Whereas the man has.
I want to see your beautiful body and like, gently takes it
off himself or something that's totally different.
Right. That's more OK.
Like they don't want to be commanded like I mean.
Well, I mean. You know what I mean?
They don't want to be like, the guy doesn't care.
He's just like, do this, yeah. But even the commanded like, the
(16:04):
dominance comes from a desire. It's like I want you to do this.
I want this like because I because I want you, not because
I just want. You have to like set the scene
with that before you demand things.
Exactly, Yeah. Yeah, he's just demanding
things. He's like, I want it more days
of the week. I want you to watch these
videos. I want you to respond
(16:25):
immediately to my Dick pics I'm sending you.
I wasn't going to say that word,but and I don't want you to work
so that you can have time to do whatever I want you to do.
And if you don't do those thingsand I'm finding someone else to
sleep with, does that sound likea man that like any woman would
want to be with? No, finding someone else is is
sort of. That's for how I know that all
(16:48):
the other stuff he's saying is all about him, right?
Right. And that he doesn't care.
About That's a big turn off. Yeah, no, that's the ultimate
turn. Right like that she's.
Lucky if she hasn't already doneit then like go ahead.
Because he's trying to negotiatea contract, right?
It's like instead of seduction where he wants enthusiasm and
(17:08):
desire, he's killing enthusiasm and desire.
Because now it's like transactional.
Because now he's like permanently.
He's like, these are my needs. If you don't fulfill my needs,
I'm going to find someone who does.
Right? Which at A at a logical level,
as a man, that seems like, Oh yeah, that makes sense.
However, what you actually want is for her to be into it, right?
(17:28):
Like you want her to want it. By making a transactional,
you're destroying that like you're bargaining for it.
Oh, I would have, I would have left him, he said.
The I'm going to find someone else.
Yeah, that's crossing the line. That's.
Ruin the entire relationship. I don't.
It's her decision. Yeah, but I know if I was that
(17:50):
woman, I would not be threatenedright?
That you're gonna go do this andit would not make me want to
ever do any of the things that he.
Wants. And how are you gonna be turned
on if you're substitutable? Because when he expresses desire
for you, is it just desire or desire for you?
Or if? You didn't do it the way that he
wanted. Is he actually?
(18:11):
Is he doing it right now? Is he with someone else?
Right. It's like again, OK, well here
like again, this is what I lost this train of thought.
But if women watch porn, the porn that women mostly watch is
lesbian porn. The reason being is because
women like to see them. Somebody care and like enjoy
(18:34):
what they're doing. Right, because women want to be
the center of the act, right? They, they want they're, they,
they get off by imagining them someone having a high desire for
them that much that they're putting a lot of effort into
(18:54):
giving her pleasure, right? But what men don't realize is
that if they did that, if they had the high desire, then she
has a higher desire to please you and do what you want.
But you have to invest the thingfirst.
And that's honestly probably whymen do initiate more and should
(19:14):
initiate more because you have to establish that especially if
she's a mom, she's in mom mode. You have to get her out of mom
mode by making her feel desired,making her feel sexy enough to
switch her brain over to it's sexy time now because it's very
hard. I'm only a step parent and half
(19:35):
the time to go from parent mode to sexy mode and men can do it.
We've been like in a situation where it's like we're talking
about something really freaking sad and then you 2 seconds later
you're like, so you ready to go?And I'm like, no, I'm not ready
to go. You know what I mean?
Men can just get there faster. But even then, like and and
(19:55):
that's something that I've realized is that yeah, you can.
But if you want the depth of theexperience, even I found myself
saying let's wait until we're ina better.
Emotional state, headspace, because I want this to be a
better experience for you, whichwill make it a better experience
for me. Yeah, right.
(20:16):
Overall. Well, in general.
And yeah, he's looking for good cheap Yeah yeah stuff.
Women want to be considered. That's also a turn on.
Again, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but.
No, but you tell me about. Things that's not right.
No, you're saying all the right things and he's the opposite of
that. He's like, I want it more often.
He seems like the guy that doesn't care how it is for her.
(20:39):
Like you said, he's just lookingto fill the quota.
He's like 2 days isn't enough. We got to get the 4:00.
What if there's been a bad day and they've only have one more
day left in the week and they'reon #3 and she's in a emotional
state and he's like, we haven't,it's more not at 4.
Got to get this. Yeah, it seems like that.
Yeah. That's cheap.
(20:59):
It's the experience. I'm going to go to the next one
on the list. Right.
And then like, OK, yeah, I don'teven.
Yeah, that's the good. Thing that he said.
It's really the threatening. Never to never to to completely
shut down a woman's sex drive. Forever, right?
Those doesn't work to you? Yeah, she's not going to be able
to trust you. Yeah, because whatever you say,
she's not going to believe it. She's going to be like, you
(21:21):
would just say that to any girl,right?
Right. Because literally I'm replacing.
He would just go and find someone else if she did it 3
days of the week and not 4. Yeah, it's different because
there's going to be guys that are watching and I and I've
talked to guys where the their wife or whatever partner hasn't
had sex with them in a month. And that's a long time.
(21:42):
And then they're like, OK, my needs aren't being met.
If you're not going to meet my my needs, I'm going to find
someone who is going to. But even then that might be true
and, and, and you may be justified in that, right?
Like if if you're married to someone and they're not
fulfilling your sexual needs, ifthey're not having sex with you
basically on a, on a, what wouldbe a reasonable basis, like
(22:07):
reasonably fulfilling your needs, then then yeah, then you
may want to go and find someone else.
Like exit that relationship, find another relationship.
However, saying that as a threatwill not solve your problem.
That will make your problem worse.
You don't say that unless you'reat you're halfway out the door.
(22:28):
You don't say that. Even then.
Yeah, you are ready to leave because your needs haven't been
met for so long that because that will ruin your
relationship. And even then don't say that.
Like if you're at that point, then just leave.
But because and the reason why Isaid that is because that won't
solve the problem. Right.
No, because. It just, it just never.
There's no point. Like even logically, the woman
(22:49):
might agree with you and she might even like give you pity
sex in order to, to not have youleave, but you won't be getting
what you actually want. Like if you want to solve the
problem. And in this, in this case, it's
ridiculous because like he should never say that in that
case, like, and he's not justified.
But in the case where let's say you are in that situation as a
man and you're with a partner who is not, not giving you not
(23:14):
fulfilling your needs sexually, then the proper response is to
figure out why. Like how can you create the
desire and start? And so number one is starting at
the relationship because what isthe level of the relationship?
Fix that problem 1st and then second to then start to look at,
(23:36):
OK, how can you make it so that she actually wants to have sex
with you versus you demanding it?
It's like women are like a cat, right?
Or like cats like you. You can't be like chasing the
cat around like pun pun intendedI guess.
But if you're chasing. We know, we know.
(23:59):
You're not going to get the cat,you know, but you got to, you
got to get the cat to come to you, right?
Which means being on your purpose, like go to the gym, go
work out, go like work on your business or whatever it is and
your hobbies and stuff. And then treat her well and
seduce her, right? Show her that you have a high
desire for her, but you have sexual discipline because women
(24:21):
don't like a man that doesn't have sexual discipline.
It's unattractive. And what he's displaying is
what? Totally unhinged, no sexual
discipline whatsoever. Right, because if he was like,
instead of having the approach of two times a week is not
enough. You need to up your game.
You need to watch this porn videos and you know, and you
need to like perform otherwise you're out.
(24:41):
I'm going to sub in someone elseinstead.
If he was like 2 * a week is notenough, not for a woman that
looks like you. I I got to have more.
I can't resist you, you know, like it's just it's I just I
can't when I see you, I just need you.
That's more in the direction of you're going to get more than
(25:02):
two times a week, right? You know what I'm saying?
But telling her how she's not performing right, It is not
usually I'm saying is if it's coming.
From. If it's coming from a desire for
her, right, she's going to want to fulfill that need, yeah.
Versus if it's coming from a. Your desire to just get off.
Right, then that's not it. So that's so that's the approach
(25:23):
is like if you're in that situation where you're in kind
of a sexless marriage or whatever, make the woman feel
desired that you can't resist her.
That's why you need it. Not because you just need it and
you don't have sexual discipline, but because she's
making it hard for you to have sexual discipline.
She's making it hard for you to not exactly to not to resist her
(25:47):
specifically as a human being. Yeah, that's the thing.
That's the Am I right? Yes, you're right.
You know you're right. I want to make sure double
checking. I'm double right because that's
the the way that you solve this problem.
No, not because threatening and it's just drying.
Up ending is the dumbest, dumbest thing you could do.
Drying it up like the Sahara does it like.
(26:08):
Only threaten if you you're OK with your relationship actually
ending. Yeah.
Because I don't know what women would stay after all that.
And she's giving him sex twice aweek.
Like you said, some people have gone a month, some people have
gone longer than that months. Some people gone years.
And they're still there. And I'm not saying that they
should be and that, you know, that their needs don't matter.
(26:30):
But this the woman is saying they have sex twice a week.
They've been together 12 years. And in in the in the dynamic,
even just that you said the words she's giving him sex twice
a week. Right, she doesn't want to.
It's already like the fact that she's giving him like that, that
you would even say those words. That's because no.
Woman it should never would feellike to.
Have sex in that situation, right not.
(26:53):
Exactly. It should never feel like if she
has to give you sex, then you'reyou're it should, it should be
flipped. It should be like you're giving
her sex. It's like you're giving her the
D, you know, like. The experience.
Exactly like you, but which alsomeans that's the other element
of this too. As a man, again, if you want a
woman to be into it, desire her,like show that specific desire
(27:16):
for her, but also do you think she wants the porn for like no,
no, give her the experience thatis the seduction experience of
you focusing on her and her pleasure.
Because if you want someone to do something more of something,
then it should be something theylike doing.
(27:38):
So make it something that's irresistible for them.
It's also offensive that he's like watch this porn video to
learn, which means that whateverthey're doing, he doesn't like.
He likes this other thing more. So she wants, he wants her to
learn that. Yeah, and you want her to watch
Dick's which? Means that she's been that he's
been watching that so much that he prefers that over what she's
(28:02):
giving him twice a week. And it's offensive.
And also it's also offensive to be like here, learn this, watch
this video as opposed to. Right.
Or like, hey, can't we try like let's try this after you've
already like fed into her with the desire and made her feel,
you know, good about herself and, you know, foreplay,
(28:23):
whatever. Then try to be like, hey, we
should try this like, you know, whatever.
Tell her what you want. So much more open to doing that
right? I mean, I don't recommend men
look up porn stuff and then try to sneak it in there, even if
they are doing whatever. Well, and but and again, they
have their own things that they want to try.
(28:45):
There's nothing wrong with that.And a woman will be way more
likely if she feels like you're invested in her and care about
her to try to fulfill your needs.
And it's not a selfish thing because I'm sure men are
listening. Well lying.
Can't they just fulfill my needs?
And she she will if she constantly feels desired by you.
Sometimes she will just fulfill your needs and she'll want to
(29:06):
because she's used to feeling desired by you.
And you tell me again, I'm not, you know, you tell me these are,
these are obvious. But I'll tell.
You obvious question, but look which is which is more likely to
be met with enthusiasm. Hey I saw this porn video and
the girl was doing this. You should do that.
(29:31):
Or you know what would really turn me on?
I was thinking like if you did this, that would really turn me
on, like seeing you do this to me.
Obviously the second one. OK, so instead of like sending
her a video and be like, you should be more like this this
(29:53):
woman, if you're like, oh, you know what's really hot, what I
would find really hot if you didthis, Not who doesn't let some
random girl, but you did this. I want you.
I want you to do this. That would be really fucking
hot. Like that would really turn me
on if you did that. Like I was fantasizing about you
(30:14):
doing this to me. I was fantasizing about you
doing this. It really.
Yeah, don't say you're watching a porn and you want right.
You see what I'm saying right? Like even if it was like but.
But it shouldn't. Be no, but like the approach
right if you want it to actuallyhappen is Am I just smoking
crack or is that the better approach?
(30:35):
Think of it from a business standpoint, right lane, where
you're at right now, you're investing in certain things so
you can be better at your business, right?
As a man, you have to invest in your woman to have better sex,
right? You can't just tell her what to
do. Investing doesn't mean tell her
what to do. That means get your hands dirty
and get in there and like, no pun intended, but like focus on
(30:57):
her and giving her that experience.
So then she opens up and she gives you the return on
interest, right? Does that make sense?
Right? Like men's drive for sex is
different. And if they want to enjoy it to
a higher level than they're evencapable of, because we talked
about this before, we're like men's pleasure meters like one
to five. And a woman's is way more.
(31:18):
But you can even get past five if you've set up the scene so
that she's so turned on and now you're so turned on and now
you're both so turned on and nowyou can even get to a higher
level than you thought. But if you're turned on because
you're a man and it's pretty easy to do that.
But she's kind of like, eh, right.
Then you might get like a three,which isn't bad.
(31:39):
And some men are like, oh, well,three's a three, you know, or
whatever. Like they don't care, you're not
getting. But they've also never had the
sick. Right, because you're not
getting enthusiasm from her, right?
Which is like and what? Why do guys like porn?
Because the enthusiasm. It's all about enthusiasm.
But that's what guys, because when guys are like, I want you
to be like this girl in the pornbecause what does a girl in the
porn do? Like, Oh my God, right?
(32:02):
Evan that's what they want. Like whatever she's acting like,
she's like good, right? But.
Right. She's acting though.
Right. Exactly, exactly.
But if you want enthusiasm right, then you've got to
inspire the enthusiasm. Can't Unsee what you just did.
I feel like a dead fish or something.
(32:26):
But when when guys are like watch this porn video, I want
you to be more like this woman. Mostly it's.
Insulting. Mostly what they're talking
about is the enthusiasm. Well then they should just say
that because it's insulting to be like watch this and be like
this lady. Yeah, but but, but what I'm
saying though is that like if you want that, you have to
inspire that, right, Right. Which means.
(32:48):
That in the person to give you the thing.
You got to figure out how do youget that out of her?
You can't just you don't just get it for you don't pull a
lever and then it's like or likebargain that it's like, I want
you to pretend like you're enthusiastic.
Like do you want her to pretend like she's enthusiastic like a
porn star, like an actress, or do you want her to actually be
enthusiastic? Right, right.
(33:08):
Because that's the thing I don'tknow.
Because that's what I think would take either.
Because guys. Guys are turned on by the porn
because they see the woman's reaction, right?
That's what is. I guess I mean I'm not a.
Guy the element just like women are turned on by the right, like
this similar type of thing, right?
And and so if you're trying to get that reaction, you got to
(33:28):
figure out how to engineer that,not just ask her to do it cuz
how do you just be enthusiastic?Like, I mean, there, there's
some like putting effort into itto a thing, but if you want that
kind of reaction, you you gotta gotta.
Do something. Right, exactly.
So yeah, let me see what else wehad in there that was.
(33:49):
I don't know. Well, the other thing about.
The camera got kicked. To the group, yeah, that was
it's just real. But the other thing was about
like, because she's, I mean, theother piece is to say like, OK,
she's spending time with her daughter, with their their
daughter. She said her daughter daughter
too, which is already telling ofwhere the relationship is,
right? Yeah, but or maybe it is her
(34:11):
daughter, maybe she has a separate.
But either way, it shouldn't be said that.
Way what? They're 30 something and they've
been together 12 years. Yeah.
So probably their daughter. Probably, most likely right,
because I would put her at 21. Yeah, right when they got
married. So, you know, possibly.
But either way, like again, praise her for spending time
(34:35):
with your daughter, Yeah, or herdaughter or whatever it is like
because that like on those cold.Inappropriate pictures with not
of that you know she's with her.Not, yeah, exactly.
Not at that time. Yeah, no.
Be like, even if you're like, ifshe's with her, she's spending
time with the daughter, then youcan like text her and be like,
wow, that's you're such a good mom.
(34:56):
That's such a great thing. Like I'm so lucky to have
married someone who has such a kind heart or, you know,
whatever. And then and then at the and
then the little yes. PS when you're when you're
alone, let me know I got something else to send you or
something like that. Or a little PS like PS by the
(35:17):
way, like wait, like I hint at something tonight.
I'm gonna right. That's better.
I'm gonna show you how much thatI you know.
That's better. I'm not saying that Dick pics
don't work or women don't like them, but it is way less than
men think they think like a man and that they visual, which it's
(35:39):
not like women don't. But you're way more likely to
turn her on with saying something about like, oh, I
can't wait to do this to you tonight or whatever.
Like PS Like I've been thinking about you all day.
Whatever. Like something, you know?
PS We're going to the melting pot tonight.
Be a good time. Something like that is probably
(36:00):
going to work better, honestly, because women's brains are
different. And especially if she's with her
daughter again, she's in mom mode, and then you're just going
to send her, even if you say a nice thing and then you're like,
let me know when you're alone. And then just a penis pops up.
Yeah, that's not it's. Like she's not there.
You haven't set the mood like you kind of have, but the
(36:22):
verbally telling her things likethat will start the fire earlier
than just a picture would. Exactly.
But men like pictures, and so I'm not saying that women
shouldn't send men pictures. Right, for sure, yeah.
And I'm not saying that men should never send pictures or
whatever they want to send like that, but I feel like you have
to read the room, right? Like if you guys already kind of
(36:44):
been like flirty texting throughout throughout the day
and you send one, right, that's actually the ideal time because
you've already kind of built herup a little bit and then now
she's already kind of in that state and you're going to just
push her even further. But if you just send it.
Right. Yeah, even if.
She's at the grocery store and she's not with her kids.
She's going to be like. Oh, that reminds me, I need to
get more cucumber, right? Yeah, she's.
(37:06):
Going to be like OK like. Or or or.
Hopefully she's not. I need to get some celery like.
I'm like I. Some baby carrots.
I need to get some baby. Carrots, Oh my God, John, she's
like, I'm trying to focus on this and then he's like ready to
go you know what I mean? There's a there's a disconnect,
(37:29):
but I think that's why men have to, like you said, is invest in
her and get her going because that is the harder part because
women don't just go from zero to100 like men do.
It's a gradual process. That's why foreplay exists.
Like if it was up to men, just stick it in, boom, bang, boom,
(37:50):
done. I mean, they also want to have a
good time too, but I'm saying that they could live with that.
A woman no woman could live with, just direct in, with
nothing at all, you know, and that.
And that's also kind of part of the whole thing is it's like if
you're sending her porn stuff and trying to like, get her to
like, you're probably not. I would guess that this guy is
(38:13):
not good in the bedroom. Like, he might think he is like
a porn star because he can like,do some moves or something.
But that's not what is actually impressive, right?
Like he only cares about himself.
Right. It's like it's.
Based on all that. It's taking it and plus, OK,
look, I'll say this. I mean, two to three times a
week, I think that's good, right?
But if you're really doing it the right way, like 2 times is
(38:35):
going to be it's going to be right.
You know what I mean? If you're actually because it
should be like a 3 or 4 hour, right ordeal, right, right,
Like, and I'm not talking about 3 or 4 hours of pumping right,
like because people get it. It's like it's there's, it might
take, you know, some long time before you even getting to to
there. It's an experience.
Because you're making an experience for her.
(38:58):
You're you're create then then you're creating an experience
where she's going to want to participate in that, right.
And then and then also it's going to create a more
fulfilling experience if you're just like, if you're like, oh,
well, yeah, I need like 5 Wham, bam, thank you Mams per week.
Yeah, I get that. That makes sense if that's what
you're treating it as, right. But but if you're going all out
(39:18):
and spending the time, you know you're going to be carving out
like 2 to 3 hours at a time to be able to have sexy time.
One really cultivated O is better than 20 uncultivated O's
that aren't even real, you know what I mean?
Like that are not on the same level in any way.
(39:40):
Or or none at all, which is whatthat's true a lot of times is
what's happening right? Especially if.
You're if that is a miserable. Dictating it off important
videos then it's probably I'm. Giving her zero.
She's probably not getting her kicks in this situation, Yeah,
because she doesn't even want tobe doing it.
Yeah, let me see if there was other pieces of this that we're
(40:04):
going to break down. OK so he wants me to watch porn
so I can learn how to do better and act send me pics and wants
to respond. Wants me to quit my job so I'm
less hard to have sex with him. So this is the only thing that
he said. She says we oh she does say we
have a daughter and I work 3 twelves per week.
He gets upset that I don't respond to these ticks pics but
(40:26):
I'm spending time with my daughter so.
So, OK, so that's the only one thing that that he sort of
almost has, right, Except for the wrong reason, right?
If you tell your wife I want youto quit your job, so let me.
Have sex more. What?
What did she say specifically? He wants me to quit my job so
I'm less tired to have sex with him.
(40:48):
OK, if you say it that way, thatdoes that makes about you.
Right. Right.
If you say you, my dear, are a Princess, and a Princess should
not have to work that hard. You should be able to relax.
Let me take care of you. Let me make your life easier.
(41:09):
I don't like you to have all this stress, baby.
I don't like you to have to worry about all this stuff or
feel like you got to like. Let me take care of you.
Go get your nails done. Go enjoy yourself.
Let me do the work. I got you.
It's also conditional cuz it is better.
Which one is more? Sexy.
Also conditional the one you just said I which didn't make
(41:32):
you wanna. Have.
Sex. John's trying to start something
on this podcast today, but yeah,that's not gonna happen here
now, but maybe later. But it's an issue because it's
conditional. He wants her to stay home to
have sex with him, right? That's all he cares about.
Right. But if she was like.
Not because she's tired, and just in general because she's
(41:53):
too tired to have sex with him. But if she was like, oh, the
work, my back hurts. He'd be like, tough, just
fucking do it. Like I work, right.
But if it's like, I want you to have more sex with me, then it's
like, oh, you don't have to work.
And she feels that it's not about him caring about her,
(42:14):
right? That's the thing.
And so it's defeating the purpose.
Like, like he's right in the, inthe sense that.
Yeah, in order for a woman to bemore in the mood, take the
stress off of her, that's also why I say, man, take the
checkbook and take care of the finances.
Because if she's worrying about the bills and like, I need to
(42:34):
pay this bill, I need to do all this stuff, that's the mental
checklist she's going through atnight when you're trying to, you
know, get something get going on, right?
And but if you're taking off allof these pressures off of her
and she can spend time with withyour daughter and spend time
relaxing and being feminine and whatever, she doesn't have all
(42:55):
the stresses of the world. She deals with the emotional
stuff, you know, but you help her with that, then she's more
likely to be in the mood becausewomen can go like, if women,
again, I don't know, trying to put a word in your mouth.
So you tell me if I'm wrong on this, but women could go like a
month without sex if they're stressed out, busy, all kinds of
shit is going on in their life. It's it's a lower priority
(43:17):
thing, right? Yeah, but a dude is not going a
month without. Right, he might die.
Right, yeah, but what I'm sayingis like a woman be like, Oh
yeah, I didn't even realize I haven't had sex there or or
masturbated in a month like. That's exactly why the man has
to get the woman going, because even if she doesn't work or
(43:38):
something, it's she's got emotions, she's got all these
things in her head still. It is less if she's not working,
but still that can distract her from that or like emotionally
exhaust her or whatever. So if you're not trying to help
get her in the mood, it's going to be very hard.
(43:59):
And yes, like she can do it, butit is harder for women.
I'm not saying that it's impossible and I'm not saying
that again that women should never initiate or anything like
that, But the more you invest inher, the more likely that that's
even going to happen as well. Because like I said, if she
feels like you desire her consistently, she'll just do
(44:19):
things for you because she feelsthat and she wants to please you
as well. So he would even get some of the
stuff that he's trying to force onto her on her own, she would
just do if he actually did it the right way, like you're
saying, right? Yeah.
But the way he's going about it.No and trash and do you and
(44:39):
don't send her the porn video doyou want.
Her. That's so stupid.
First of all, do you want her addicted to the porn video?
And second of all, do you like if you're comparing her to the
women in the porn and you're sending her videos of porn, is
she not going to look at those the Dicks and be like compare
you and you can't change that. I don't.
Even think it. Act more like the porn actors
(45:01):
you can't like alter your the size of your member I don't even
think. It's really that.
I I know, but I'm just like. I think it's just really
insulting. Yeah.
And it's kind of like prying on her insecurities.
It's like, watch this woman and be like her, right If you don't
do this. Then you're going to.
Replace you? That's crying on her
(45:23):
insecurities. You're trying to get her to do
stuff and by making her more insecure about herself not
feeling good enough for you, you're literally only telling
her that you'll keep her at homeso she'll have sex with you
more. Like how does she not feel like
an object? Well, yeah, yeah, well, and like
I said, if you turn it around and if she was like, look, you
(45:43):
know, I'm here's the porn video,look at this guy.
He's got like a nine inch member.
You need to get the penis pump and you need to like whatever
you need to like do. If you're not up to I'm going to
get the ruler next week. And if you're not, you know, up
to this level, then I'm going togo find the a guy that who is.
See, if she's staying and she's petty, she'd do that.
(46:05):
But I'm just saying like, how would you feel about that like
that? Like they wouldn't that around.
They don't because it's the same.
How's it different? It's not.
It's the same thing, right? It seems ridiculous when I say
it, but ridiculous but. Sometimes you gotta say it out
loud and but it's the thing together.
Is it not the exact same thing? It is, but he doesn't think
(46:27):
about that. He's not thinking about that.
Yeah. Because he's trying to make her
feel so insecure to just do whatever he wants, and he
doesn't think that she'll do that.
Let me see if there was anythingelse that was in there that was
like. You know what though?
I'm I'm glad he said what he said because she deserves to
know the type of man that she's with.
And I don't know if he's always been that man or what.
(46:49):
They've been together a really long time.
I don't know if he got a porn addiction and then it's turned
into a sex addiction and this issomething new or what.
She didn't say how long it's been going on, but I'm cloudy
showed his true color because ifI were her I'd be like what the
actual hell? It's pretty clear that she's
just being used. She's just literally.
Point. Yeah, right.
(47:09):
Because he said that and and this is the key thing is right,
she says. I really don't have a sex drive.
I'm exhausted and it's getting to the point I want left alone.
She's emotionally exhausted as well.
I don't even think she's maybe she's got to be tired from her
job. She's doing 312 hour shifts.
But I think she's emotionally exhausted from him, Emotionally
exhausted from feeling never being enough for him, that he's
(47:32):
trying to turn her into someone else and doesn't accept her that
she's already giving him sex. And I do say giving because he's
not doesn't seem like he's setting the mood and it's not
enough. And then she's he's sending
pictures at inappropriate times where she's not gonna be in the
mood. So he's gonna he's gonna be mad
that she's not and then tells her that she doesn't have to go
(47:56):
to work if she has more sex withthem.
Like it's all conditional and itdoesn't feel like he cares about
her at all. He's basically destroying all of
the sexual part of the relationship because all of the
things because he's creating triggers.
Also now he's never going to send pics and she's always,
every time he sends pics, even if they fix this problem, she's
(48:20):
going to go back to those times and feel that way.
And so you know what I'm saying is like any kind of thing about
some kind of porn, do this thing, do that now.
Like if he went about things theright way, he could have made
her deceptive to the things thathe wants.
Like because he probably has needs and he's just an idiot,
right? It's like he wants her to do
certain things. He wants her to whatever.
(48:42):
Or maybe he wants more frequencyor more enthusiasm or whatever
it is. And he could have had those
things had he gone about them the right way.
But now he's burned the bridges on those, on those things,
because now he's created to the point where she's like, I just
want to be left alone. Right, right.
Doesn't even probably want to have sex with them at all.
Exactly. So it's, it's like if, and, and
(49:03):
I guess I kind of wanted this episode because there's a lot of
guys that are, I mean, this is ridiculous.
Like it seems like, but there's a lot of guys that feel like
they're, they're not, their sexual needs aren't being met to
the degree that they would like them to be.
And so they just have to learn how to go about it the right
way, right, rather than the wrong way.
Like intimidation, bargaining, that stuff doesn't work.
(49:24):
My thing like is he not still attracted to his wife?
Because I know a lot of guys they have an issue.
It's still being attracted to their wife instead of and I
think maybe they go to porn or maybe they and whatever, and
maybe it spirals into this because they've lost attraction
for her for some way. And I would say that he needs,
(49:44):
if that's the case, he needs to be attracted to his wife again,
because like you said, this whole time, the more you pour
into her, the more she'll pour into you because she'll feel
like you want her. Not you just want a hole, right?
And that's the key, like becauseshe'll probably give you a
whole, but it's not going to be enthusiastic if you're not
(50:05):
making her feel desired or you're comparing her to
something or you're not actuallyattracted to her.
And if you've gone to do watching porn or whatever, you
need to stop. You need to desensitize like,
like sensitize yourself again toyour wife, not desensitize
yourself by watching all these things.
Like you need to deprive yourself of the thing that
(50:27):
you've become addicted to in order to appreciate the thing
that you have, the real person, not your hand, the real person
you have, and realize that you can have a much better
experience if you invest in thatand her then if you invest in
just watching porn and using your hand.
(50:49):
Yeah, or whatever. Or whatever.
Flashlight. And you know it.
And it's like, like if, if I, ifyou weren't in the mood and I
wanted to get you in the mood, right, I wouldn't be like make
demands of you. I wouldn't be like, this isn't
(51:10):
fair or like, you know, I, I wouldn't throw a fit about it.
Instead, my tactic would be to tell you how much that I desire
like to to tell you how much I'mattracted to you to like that.
I know that would work 100% of the time.
Like I know that I could get youin the mood 100% of the time.
(51:31):
If you're like, I don't feel like having sex tonight.
I know 100% that if I am going after the how much that you're
turning me on and how much I can't resist you that pretty
soon I'm going to turn the pointwhere you're going to be like,
OK, let's do it right. Like I'm going to be able to
build it. So that's the thing.
It's like, I mean, it could be that he's not attracted to his
(51:51):
his wife, in which case obviously then her response is
adequate, right? That why would you want to have
sex with someone who's not attracted to you?
Right and not showing you desire.
And exactly. And so the answer is like, show
your attraction to her, right? That's that's what she needs to
see. And that's the answer.
That's it. It's so simple, you know.
(52:13):
Show her enthusiasm, you get enthusiasm.
Right, there you go. Yeah, that's it.
That's. The male conversion, that's it.
Got to simplify it a little bit.But yeah, but I mean, that's
yeah, that's it. But but like I said, in this
situation, it's not one where and he refuses marriage
counseling also, which is. That's a red flag.
Well, that's also why he would be getting a swift kick to the
(52:38):
I'd be like, go, go find as manyother women as you would like.
And this woman is actually saying, does this seem like
reasonable expectations? No.
My question is, does this seem like like, you know what I'm
saying? Like she's even even to the.
He's gas lit her into being likethis normal.
Exactly you you have a woman that actually after all of this
(53:00):
still is questioning whether shehas is is reasonable so.
Sounds like not a great relationship.
Yeah, but it also sounds like dummy, like you have a woman
that clearly is into you, right?And likes you.
But you've given her the ick. Right, exactly.
So because it's not like she's, you know, like the other
question we asked where the woman's like he's financially
(53:23):
abusing me like you would you rather have that woman?
Come on. Yeah.
So I don't know but he might have messed it up.
But yeah, but I was saying like,obviously in this case it seems
ridiculous, but like in other cases, I know that guys just
need to like use your brain and figure out how you can be the
seducer rather than demanding, you know, how can you make
(53:47):
someone want to give you It's just good advice in life.
Instead of trying to demand things from people, how can you
make it so that they want to give you the thing?
Right? I think it's it's Dale Carnegie,
how to win friends and influencepeople.
Doesn't he just talk about how can you make it so that to to
create an an eager desire withinsomeone to want to give you the
(54:11):
thing that you want? Yeah.
So how do you create that earnest desire within them,
right. That's the way to go about
things, not trying to threaten people and.
And that's the key, is the earnest desire, not the acting
desire. Yeah, yeah.
Not the get your acting shoes on.
Yeah, and never, ever tell a woman anything about another
(54:33):
woman that that's the. That should be common sense.
That's just the number one common sense.
Never, ever say it. That should be common sense, is
that not? Amongst men.
Don't say my ex-girlfriend did this.
Don't say she did this better. Don't say she had a higher sex
drive. Don't say anything was an idiot.
(54:55):
Yeah. Don't say I'm gonna find another
woman. None of that stuff.
God, yeah. Yikes.
Well, all I got to say is I'm soglad I have you.
All right. Well, anything else that you
have on on this, I think we. No, I just think that if that
(55:17):
Lady hasn't left him, she shouldleave him.
Yeah, yeah. I mean.
No, the threatening. Yeah, the threatening like that,
that has to be not tolerated. Trust.
Yeah, that's. Like that's how is she supposed
to trust if she doesn't do the thing that he said, right?
How could she trust that he's not going to go find someone
else? And it's like, because can she
(55:37):
even have what even conversationcan she have with him, right?
Like to be like, besides, oh, she's actually here when he
sends her the porn video to watch.
She can send him this episode towatch.
There you go. You're like, they're still
together and be and be like thatdude.
Yeah, right. I hope she's still not with him,
(56:00):
but I mean, I don't like to, youknow, tell people to get a
divorce. But threatening your spouse and
giving all these demands. Yeah, it.
Doesn't. It's not loving and caring.
No. So.
All right, well. Men, listen to John.
He knows what he's talking about.
(56:22):
If you need some help, some coaching, reach out to us and
we'll we'll help you, right? We'll help you figure this out.
Yeah, because it's not. It's not that hard.
It's not rocket science once youget it.
No, no, that's why people need to watch all the back catalog of
episodes, do their learn this stuff, you know, because.
(56:44):
I mean, you heard John. He knows what he's talking
about. He only asked me if I'm right,
right, or if I agree because he just needs to cover his bases.
But he knows what he's talking about.
Right. If I'm hitting it, you know, if
I'm, my batting average is that high.
And he got dressed. Then then it must be right,
right? Like Otherwise you'd be like.
(57:05):
That's close. I mean, he saw the lines down on
here, like I said. So yeah, they could feel it
through the camera. See how I seduced you seduced
her on this episode even like there you go.
Is that that's all it takes. It didn't right.
All right, all right, well, follow us at better than perfect
(57:25):
podcast on on Instagram. You know, all the things, all
the things and go to the websitebetterthanperfectpod.com.
You know, didn't want you to have to type in the cast, so we
made it easy for you. Better than perfectpod.com.
I don't think they had the cast.Yeah, that's yeah, but.
(57:46):
They didn't. Better than perfect I was.
Going to pay $10,000 for for thecast part.
Yeah, at Gmail if you want us totalk about your situation.
Yeah, and ask those questions. Otherwise, we'll just go through
Reddit like we'll find or, or, or just post on Reddit under
marriage and we'll, we'll find you and we'll, we'll bring it,
We'll bring it. So we'll bring your dark secrets
(58:07):
to. Hopefully we won't roast you
like this guy. All right, we'll see you next
week.
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