Stop Saying “Don’t Be Insecure”: What to Say Instead [Ep 97]

Most men say “don’t be insecure”—and accidentally make it worse. In this episode we show exactly what to say and do when your partner spirals, why silent treatment is emotional manipulation, and how to stop the avoidant ↔ anxious ping-pong. We role-play a real scenario (the “gym girls” fear), break down a viral Reddit post where a partner went 7 days with no contact, and give practical reassurance scripts that calm anxiety without coddling.Chapters • 00:00 Cold open: “Don’t be so insecure” (why that backfires) • 01:20 Setup + listener Reddit post summary • 04:05 7 days of silence: space vs. manipulation • 08:40 Why “You’re hot, stop worrying” doesn’t reassure her • 12:15 Role-play: the gym girls insecurity (listen → reflect → reassure) • 18:10 When she’s anxious and he’s avoidant: breaking the loop • 22:45 “Thermostat vs. Regulator”: who feels closeness, who fixes it • 27:30 Mixed signals aren’t mixed—they’re messages • 31:05 Boundaries: what to do if he won’t engage • 36:20 Men’s playbook: reassurance scripts that actually work • 41:00 Women’s playbook: ask for help without “frog-farming” • 46:15 Quick recap + weekly challengesRelevant links & resources • “Attached” (Amir Levine & Rachel Heller) — on anxious/avoidant patterns • The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling (Gottman Institute): https://www.gottman.com • Say hi / send your story: [e-mail] • IG/TikTok: @betterthanperfectpodcastIf this helped, drop a comment with the most useful line you plan to use this week. 💬

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
As a man, you can't just be like, don't be so insecure.
Yeah, tell me again. I'm scared when you go to the
gym and there's half naked youngattractive women that you're
going to run off with. I'm attracted to you.
You don't have to worry about that feel better.
No, no, right. So you can't feel like that or
be insulted by like you have to actually listen to why is she
actually upset in what's making her insecure and make her feel

(00:22):
secure by first listening to herand then reassuring You can't
just like oh, that's stupid. You shouldn't have to worry
about that. I I think you're super
attractive. That doesn't do anything right,
just makes you. Because you could think they're
super attractive beyond. The perfect we discovered
through our flaws we complete each other.
Better than perfect, we stay. Through every fault, we find no

(00:48):
way. All right, welcome back to the
Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with
you how 2 imperfect people help each other grow equals 1 better
than perfect relationship. Did you see what I did?
What did you did? You did this?
No. What did you do?
I just went like this. 02 but you were like.
What? Is this.

(01:09):
I don't know. I was like, it was my peripheral
vision. I was like trying to like on the
camera and you're just like doing stuff.
So, you know, in my in my me. Part of two.
Yeah, part of two. That's what I thought.
Yes, I was. Doing the caveman language for
all the Cavemen out there, you know, the men that haven't
evolved yet. We got an exciting episode today

(01:32):
actually. So we had a a viewer, a
listener, just one of one of youguys who actually wrote in and
does actually, but you know, they just post on Reddit so that
yeah, so we can answer it. But I know that's what you
meant. So that's how we were.
E-mail it to us. Exactly.
They're like, OK, but they'll find it on Reddit.
So that's what they did. It's like, yeah, so thank you

(01:54):
for whoever did that post on Reddit this way.
It could be, you know. Shared exactly.
Yeah, everybody could see it. So yeah, so we thought we'd we'd
go over this one that that they posted so and it says partner M
male, 35 has not spoken to me female, 31 for seven days.
We live together. So yeah.

(02:18):
So I mean, right off the bat though, like 7 days, there's got
to be something that's. Insane.
That's not. That's a whole week.
It's not. Good.
When you live with someone and you don't speak to them for a
whole week. Yeah, it's not, not acceptable,
no. Even if they did something
really really. Bad.
Even as an avoidant person that would try to run away, yeah,
that is. Yeah, it's like you're either

(02:41):
you break up with them if it's that bad, right, right.
Or you talk to them, but not talking to them for seven days
already. We don't have to read any more
of this is abusive type of topic.
That is definitely. Emotional manipulations.
Wait, it's emotional manipulation, right?

(03:01):
Yeah. Seven days.
You can't. Yeah, Yeah, you can't deny that.
Yeah, so no matter what they've done that's wrong, just red
flags. Make it clear for everyone.
Red flag. It's like even if they've done
something horribly bad, even if they've cheated on you, right,
then you either break up with them or talk to them.
But emotionally abusing them, which is what that is, or
emotionally manipulating them isnot.

(03:23):
It's not the answer. Yeah, it's not OK.
All right so she says hi everyone I'm struggling and need
advice. My partner together for 2.5
years, living together six months and I have and I have a
generally amazing relationship. We laugh constantly, have great
sex life, share hobbies, trips and our dog and genuinely see

(03:44):
him as my future. OK, one, they've only been
living together six months, and he's ignoring her for seven
days, for a whole week? Yeah, that's like not very long
to live together. Yeah.
For someone to ignore you for a whole week.
Well, look, six months, right? Seven days is like 1/3 of a
month, right? So.

(04:04):
I'm not mouthing. You can math.
I'm not mouthing. It's, it's, it's a, it's, it's,
it's OK. One, if it was, if it was one
month out of six, that would be 1/6, right?
But if it's the third of a month, then or, you know, 6 * 3

(04:25):
eighteen, 118th, 118th of their relationship living together.
He's not talked to her. It doesn't sound that bad either
way. It is bad.
No, it I mean I, I don't think it.
Sounds out of six months. That's pretty bad.
Yeah, that is. Yeah, that's.
So, but my issue here too is like genuinely great
relationship otherwise. And she lists these things,

(04:46):
which I'm not saying she doesn'thave those things, but he didn't
just start ignoring you for seven days.
And if he did, then he was like hiding his true behavior from
you for two years up until this point.
I mean when you don't live together it is easier to kind of

(05:08):
hide these things. But I think she would have still
picked up on they would have gotten into some argument or
disagreement when they didn't live together where he would
ignore her. So it's probably not as great as
she's making it seem. It's like it's almost like it's
giving the without even going further in that she is the

(05:30):
clingy like believe that this isgreat.
It's great, right? It's great trying.
To convince herself, exactly. That it's great.
He's not actually great on. On exactly right.
Yeah. Like she's in the chasing mode
is what this sounds like. Right.
OK, Yeah. Especially if she's even having
this question after seven day. I mean, that's true.
If if someone's not talking to me for two days, I'm moving to

(05:55):
the hotel room. I'm like, I'm OK, Peace.
And like, yeah, you don't want to talk.
Living together, yeah, is a longtime, a week living together.
Yeah. And someone's not talking to
you. So OK, let's see what she says.
She says over the past few months we've had a few
arguments. They usually stem around me

(06:17):
expressing self doubt or anxiety, which he says is
frustrating or negative. He's never been abusive before.
OK so at least she acknowledges that this is abuse but his way
of coping seems to be withdrawing completely.
I've never been told I'm negative before in my life and
I'm fairly confident person and I do like myself.

(06:41):
Emphasis added by me but I thinkI'm great.
But like any human, from time totime I have self doubt and
expressed frustration to get it off my chest.
Yeah, here's the thing. She just contradicted herself.
She's like, I get anxious and I say these things to him and then
he gets mad at me. But I'm great and I'm like a
really good person. Girl, you're anxious like you,

(07:03):
you're having self doubts, whichis normal.
Everybody has. She's true about that.
But don't sit here and write. I'm great when like you don't
feel that way. And that's what you've been
expressing to him. I'm not saying that he's
justified in how he reacts to you by being like you're so
negative, whatever. He should still reassure you.

(07:24):
I mean, it does depend on how she's bringing it up, but he
should want to reassure her, even if after he's like, you
know, you're telling yourself these stories and they're
allowing you to come across negative and you're being
negative towards yourself. Like she's not confident like
she's trying to portray in the end, right?

(07:45):
Like because she just told us she was negative.
I mean, anxious and he's taking it as negative, but then she's
trying to overcompensate and sheprobably learned it from him
being like, you're so negative by being like, but I know I'm
great. No one's called me negative.
Like, I'm a really good person, like, and I'm not even saying
she's not those. Things no, but I'm saying she's

(08:06):
got some self esteem issues St. math right, like she has to have
because if she said yeah, I do Iam kind of have some self esteem
and I'm an insecure person and he can't handle that or
whatever, then okay. But if you're saying, yeah, I
sometimes express some self doubt, but I'm really confident

(08:29):
that if you're feeling the need to tell people that, then it's.
Probably not the right you're trying to convince yourself.
As well, it's given a very needytype of vibe, like a needy in a
negative way, not in a good way.Like there's a needy in a good
way that a woman can be needy towards a man in a good way.
Meaning that like I want you to take care of me and provide and
I want your affection in your time, but that comes from like I

(08:52):
want you right versus needy in the bad way comes from I want
anybody. To give me attention or
whatever. And you're the one.
And and that's also where, again, like, she sees him as
his. Like she may be idealizing their
relationship because he's just aplug and play for her.
Like her projection. Yeah, of the ideal man.

(09:14):
He's not actually the man. Because the ideal man doesn't
ignore you for seven days and think you're annoying.
That's right. But you're projecting this stuff
on to him because you want him to be the perfect relationship,
perfect man, right? You know.
Yeah, I agree with what you're saying.
I think if she just owned up to being anxious, it would be
better because I think that my interpretation of this is that

(09:38):
she's super anxious. She goes to him for reassurance,
he calls her negative. So then she's like, OK, well I
need to be positive and talk good things about myself.
So she tries to do that. But really she's just now even
more anxious and insecure and like, by talking to him, it's
pushing her further down that spiral, right?

(09:59):
And then she's trying to convince him and herself
probably that she's not anxious by posting that, Right.
Exactly. But really she's just getting
more it's, it's like when peoplearen't confident, right?
And if you're like in the middlewhere you're like, oh, I'm great
sometimes with it, like, yeah, I'm a little anxious sometimes
too. That's like kind of normal.
But then when you get really farinto the insecure and

(10:20):
unconfident, it's the people whoare like, I'm the most amazing
person ever and look at my hair.It's like, best you've ever
seen. Yeah, that they go overly
confident, but really they're the most insecure.
And that's showing the most insecure.
Right. I think she's at that stage.
I think that she's tried to talkto him about her anxiety and

(10:42):
self doubt and whatever and he'snot responding.
He's not giving her a reassurance because he seems
avoidant. Let's be really.
I talked her in seven days. That's for sure.
And so that's making her more anxious, right?
And then now I think she's gotten to like critical and
secure levels. Which this is a confusion of
being vulnerable, right? Because if you want to be

(11:02):
vulnerable, drop the ACT. Right.
Just be like, I'm super delicious and I'm second
guessing myself and I don't knowwhat.
To do, but even when you're dealing with someone, you need
to be like, you can't come to them and be like, I'm feeling
insecure about this, but I like and still having the persona.
You have to drop the ACT, right?Like you can't be like, but I'm
good and I'm I have self-confidence, right?
No, you don't because that's whyyou're telling me this thing.

(11:25):
Yeah, right. But but obviously he's not
dealing with things in the rightway.
Right. And I think it's making it
worse. Yeah, well, here let's role play
it like you. You.
Tell me love could play these days.
Tell me that something that you're anxious or like you feel
insecure about, like something you went to the gym and you feel

(11:47):
like there's attractive women atthe gym and, and maybe that that
I'd be interested in those women.
Yeah. OK, tell me that.
When you go to the gym, there's all these attractive young women
and I'm only getting older and they're in half naked clothes.
Makes me nervous, makes me feel like you're going to run off

(12:08):
with one of them. Oh well, why does it?
Why does it make you feel that that way?
Like what? What do you mean specifically?
Because you value youth and beauty like most men, and I'm
only getting older. And you're concerned?
And they're already half naked. So easy.
OK. And that and that.
And how does that make you feel?Feels like there's nothing I can

(12:32):
really do besides be half naked because I can't get younger.
But you know how I feel about you, right?
Yes. And you know that I'm always
going to love you. And it doesn't matter it like
even it, it doesn't even, it doesn't even matter what you
look like at this point, but you're amazingly beautiful.
But how do I know? How do you know what?

(12:54):
How do I know? That I that this is true.
Yeah. How do how do you think that you
know what are the evidence? The things that you do to prove
that to me, right, Right. And and there's going to be some
trust, but, but that's, that's the whole thing is like as a
man, you have to, you can't justbe like, OK, do it.

(13:15):
Like if you like, like don't be so insecure.
Like, yeah, like, like, yeah. Tell me again.
Just get over it. Yeah, yeah.
Tell me again. I'm scared when you go to the
gym and there's half naked youngattractive women that you're
going to run off with. I'm attracted to you.
You don't have to worry about that.
Feel better. No, no, right.

(13:36):
So you can't be like that or be insulted by like you have to
actually listen to why is she actually upset and what's making
her insecure and and make her feel secure by first listening
to her and then reassuring. You can't just be like, oh,
that's stupid. You shouldn't have to worry
about that. I I think you're super
attractive. That doesn't do anything right,

(13:58):
right. Just makes you feel worse.
Because you could think they're super attractive.
Right. But if you feel like I heard
what you had to say and why you're insecure and what what is
making you insecure in that situation?
And I understand it. And then and now I reassure you
and tell you that you don't havenothing to worry about because
you're amazingly beautiful and the only woman I want to be

(14:18):
with. You're proving by caring about
even this interaction that right, it's more than just
physical. Like, you're not going to do
what I'm worried about, you knowwhat I mean?
Because if you're with a woman and most men are going to have
to face this where she most women are insecure, have some
kind of insecurity, especially if you're with an attractive

(14:39):
woman. The more attractive the woman
is, the more insecure that she is generally right.
Like it seems like it would be the opposite, but it's it's not,
it's not true because the reasonwhy more attractive women are
more insecure is because it's the thing that is their most
valuable thing. That is not something that they
are in control of. And so if they lose that, then

(15:00):
who are they? See, that's why, you know, guys
think, oh, well, if she's more attractive, she'd be more
secure. No, she's more insecure because
there's one thing that she's being prized for that she's not
in control of. She didn't create.
And if she loses that thing, or maybe she's, she's starting to
lose that thing, then she's scared.

(15:21):
She's afraid that there's nothing beneath that, that
people are valuing, that they'reonly valuing her for that thing.
And that's the thing that she's getting the attention for.
That's why women. And I'm going to be vulnerable
right now because obviously you brought up we're role-playing
this thing. It's something that I have said
before. And you're right, in regards to

(15:42):
looks, I feel like women are, for the most part, most women
are insecure unless they're in their prime.
But even then, like they know that they're still, you know,
yeah, they know it's going to beover.
So they're stressing about that already.
Or if a guy's picked a hot woman, then you're hot, then
he's like well then there's other hot women.
So like he chooses women based on their.

(16:02):
You know, like, yeah, I'm confident in who I am doing
that. You would never find another
woman like me. I am completely confident in
that. Yeah, but it's like with the
looks thing, right? I could be totally confident
over here, but a man might want to go for the physical part, and
I can't control that. You know what I mean?
Like, you want to believe that aman will want to love you for

(16:25):
who you are, and I believe that you love me for who I am, and
you understand that. But it's like, as a woman, you
don't know if a man's going to go now for, you know, well, now
he wants a hot woman. He doesn't care what the inside
is. He just cares about the outside
right now. So that's why it's like there's
so many different layers to be in a woman and being insecure.

(16:46):
It's like, yeah, physically I feel like we all are insecure.
I mean, even when I was young and like the tiniest I've ever
been or whatever, like I would think I was could lose weight or
something. It's like it's just insane.
It's ingrained in us from a veryyoung age.
But physically that is scary. And men being physical beings,

(17:06):
it's like as women we value moreof like who someone is on the
inside. Not saying that women don't care
about looks, but it's more aboutwho a man is.
And so even if we're confident in who we are and what we bring
to the table, sure, the looks part we can't control.
And there is always going to be someone that looks better or
whatever is younger, whatever. So it's like, that's a scary

(17:30):
thing. Even if you're confident in
yourself as who you are as a woman, right?
Right. You don't always feel secure
because what if someone hotter comes along and then and the
guy's just like, I don't care about the other part.
I just care about the hotness, right?
Now, right, And the answer to that is that a woman will always

(17:52):
need reassurance, right? Like.
In the right way. And it's just not defective if
she is insecure about her looks from time to time, right?
But but if you respond in the wrong way, right?
If every time you're insecure, Iwas like, it's what are you
worrying about? You're so hot, like it's not a
big deal, right? Then would that make you now

(18:14):
keep on asking me more and more times, right.
Yeah. Because now you got to check.
Is this still the case? Well.
It feels like official to not deep response.
I'm not really addressing you asa human being.
Right, it sounds like you're just trying to get me to stop
talking. But if I totally address it and
and understand what's behind it,how do you actually feel about

(18:36):
this? I care about how you feel about
this and now give you reassurance, then yeah, it
doesn't permanently fix it, but it makes it go away for a long
time. And then at some point, maybe a
month down the road or two months on the road, it starts to
creep up again. And that's OK.
And I calmly address it again because I'm helping you to,
which is good. Like you want a woman to as a

(19:00):
man to like to actually to seek your validation as a like to
seek reassurance from you that you're still going to love her
that she's like, that's what's it's a good thing.
If she doesn't care, it's a bad thing.
It's just like, I know I'm hot anyway, like doesn't matter.
And like then she's probably notthat into you.

(19:20):
Right? Right.
Because honestly. Because she thinks she can do
better. And really the cure, I think
like ultimately for, for the woman to mitigate that.
What you said that that that insecurity of, of there'll be
younger, hotter women is that it's the temperature of the, the
woman I talked about this in another episode is the
thermostat of the relationship of the temperature of the

(19:42):
relationship. So if you're a woman in a
relationship and you know that that it's there's a problem with
the relationships thermostat, you need to bring it up and, and
have an issue with that because if you allow it to be at a low
level, then that's where bad things but.
What would that look like? Like an example.

(20:03):
Like, OK, if, if we are like, you know what the temperature of
the relationship is like we're really close.
We are, you know, we're in our soulmate zone, our soulmate arc,
right? Then you don't have to worry
about then then you know that inmy mind, like it doesn't matter.

(20:27):
You're beyond our relationship is beyond looks.
But I'm saying in her case, is she bringing it up like that,
the temperature in the relationship by telling him her
insecurities? Or is there a way that she could
have done it differently? No, I'm, I'm just saying, I'm,
I'm saying that that particular insecurity like you don't have
to worry about that if your relationship level is high.

(20:51):
Right. Like you don't have to worry
about that, but. If, but if you're a woman and
your relationship level, like, you know, you're not close, you
know you're not tight, you know you don't have that intimacy,
then yeah, you should be worried, should be insecure
about it. Because guys, our visual is
like, if you don't have a very tight bond, then why would he
select you? Why wouldn't he just pick the

(21:12):
most attractive woman that he can find physically at this
point in time versus you and idealize their what emotional
relationship he would have with that woman.
But if you have a very strong emotional relationship, then it
doesn't matter. Then he's not, you know, he's
not going to be thinking. Which I feel logically that

(21:33):
makes sense, but I feel like a lot of times and don't always
act logically either because we've done other episodes where,
you know, women are like, I did everything and then the guy left
me. Which I'm not saying that I
believe that she did absolutely everything, but there are plenty
of people that have been blindsided by things that men.

(21:54):
Do it's just a matter of of a question of OK, where is a as a
man more likely to do a boneheaded thing and go astray
if he's in a relationship where the relationship right now, you
guys are really, really close, tight soul mates tell each other
everything like reading each other's thoughts like lovey
dovey all the time, or it's verycold and distant.

(22:18):
Well, OK, without going too far.And but which is more likely
though? No, I know the cold and distant,
but I'm going to go you for a loop really quick and don't go
too far off of this table because we got to finish off.
But you have a friend, and I'm not going to name names, who
said that everything was fine and then said some bonehead

(22:42):
stupid thing that broke up his relationship and then now wants
to get it back. And he said that nothing was
wrong with it before he said theboneheaded thing.
But was there really? Like, they couldn't have been
that close, right? Because she didn't know what he
was thinking for all this time. Because it wasn't going back.

(23:05):
Because he was talking to peopleand getting advice, wrong advice
or figuring out some of this stuff because this was going on
in his head. So she wasn't they weren't
really that as like the temperature of the relationship
was not of the of the level that.
But that why does he want her back now then?
Because he's a bonehead and he like he messed up but.

(23:26):
So was he ruining the temperature by getting batted
by? It doesn't putting that's why I
said that a woman is the thermostat for the relationship
to know what the temperature is.She should know what it is.
How close are you guys at any moment in time?
Like, and women do know, like if, if you know what the status
of your relationship is, if it'sin the in the green or in the

(23:49):
red, like you know, a man might not know he's not as good as the
thermostat. He should be be able to know,
but but a woman more so knows that.
But the man is the actual regulator of the he's the one
who's in charge of actually fixing the.
Well, what if she brings it up and he doesn't?
Then then then she knows that she's in the danger zone.

(24:09):
Like it's like. So she needs to leave.
I mean, yeah, basically like she's like, OK, like you've got
to fix. She has to keep on letting him
know that that needs to be fixed.
Yeah. That there's a problem here,
right? Like there's a problem here, you
know, seat belt light seat belt noise to keep on going.
Ding, Ding, Ding, right. If she stops going Ding, then

(24:33):
yeah, her relationship is falling apart.
That's true. And that's what happens is that.
But that's why I'm saying that the woman's the thermostat
because she under she feels the closeness or not, right?
And she's like, OK, we're not very close right now.
Yeah, there's some things that maybe she can do, but the
biggest thing that she can do isgo Ding, Ding, Ding.
So that is alerting to him. OK, so this lady's dinging, but

(24:54):
he's ignoring the Ding like someone else we know.
OK, so then let's see what she says.
Here, the literal seat belt. Yeah, the.
Literal thing, Yeah, yeah. OK, so yeah, so we talked about
her. OK, so she said background on
previous arguments. One argument one I didn't ask

(25:15):
him to drive me when I was hungover because I didn't want
to disrupt his work. He said my quote people pleasing
is a problem and didn't speak tome for four hours.
OK. Don't go further.
Yeah. There's a lot to dissect.
Why is he mad at her for her notasking him to drive her when

(25:35):
she's hungover? She's not drunk.
He's mad at her because she didn't want to bother him by
asking him and then he doesn't talk to her.
OK, good. Actually, I'm surprised that you
took that side of it because sheneeds to ask for help because a
man, what did I tell you about aman?

(25:56):
But you're Nora for two days. No, no, he didn't do the right
thing for sure. I mean, well, she said 4 hours.
He didn't talk to her. But silent treatment is never
the answer, ever. So I'm not, I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not getting to his respond to it.
But just like, why would he be upset?
He was OK to be upset because asa woman you need to get help

(26:18):
from your man. But I feel like being hungover
and driving is not a big deal. Like being drunk.
Yes, she should not drive drunk.Yeah, but if she feels like she
needs help, but she if she's feeling like I don't want to
bother you because you're, you're working, no, please
bother. But what if you have a call?
Yeah, just like yesterday. Yeah.
But plumbing, Yeah. But then, but then I mitigated

(26:38):
that situation, right? I was like, look, OK, I'm going
to have to have this call, you know, can you handle this?
Like I'm going to need you to, right?
Basically we talked about it andif you're like, no, I like when
these guys show up, I can't. And I like, I feel really
uncomfortable, then I'd be like,OK, I'm going to have to
reschedule my call. Like I have to deal with the
situation, but I need you to at least tell me that there's a

(27:00):
problem. He act that way.
I guess that's my thing. My thing is like no, this guy,
he obviously didn't ask him for a reason, like and instead of
being like hey you can come to me for help, he's pissed and
doesn't talk to her for two days.
You know what I mean? Like I think the reason she
doesn't want to ask him stuff isbecause he makes her feel like a

(27:20):
burden. He said 4 hours, she said 4
hours, didn't speak to her for four hours, but still that's
still not OK. 4 hours is still not like silent treatment even
for four hours is not OK. But but it's like, yeah, but as
a woman asking a man for help because she she said I didn't
ask him to drive me when I was hungover because I didn't want
to disrupt his work, right. And he said my people pleasing

(27:44):
is their problem and didn't speak to me for four hours.
So I think it's it's the issue that that clingy, like, I don't
want to think I would say neediness in a bad way that
she's like, oh, I don't even want to like upset him.
So I'm not gonna but but obviously she brought it up

(28:04):
later at some point. And then that's what he got
upset about, right? Otherwise how would he know
about it? She must have said something so
he knew about it. And she must have, she must have
like, she must have been like tried to use it again.
I'm, I'm assuming, but this is the only way that it makes sense
to me is that if she was like, oh, yeah, I was really hungover

(28:26):
actually yesterday, but I reallydidn't want to disturb you at
your work. So I just strove myself.
I was, I thought about calling you, but I was like, I don't
want to. So she was trying to get points
by saying how you know, she didn't bother him at his work.
But then he's interpreting that as like you're trying to gain
points like stopping people pleasing.
I don't know now that's just my.But either way, like his, he's a

(28:48):
child. Like his response is not.
I mean, I can see her perspective, though.
It's like, OK, I'm just hungover.
Like I'm not going to ask you todrive me when I could do it even
though it might be a minor inconvenience, and throw off
your work schedule, especially because you've so stressed out.
I would like to be informed as aman to like, if that's going on,

(29:08):
I'd like you to at least text meor call me and be like, OK, I
don't want to disturb you, but this is what's going on.
Like, I can handle it. I can drive.
And then I'd like to be able to say, OK, yeah, I get it.
Go ahead. Like, you know, or to be able to
say no, no, no, no, no, I I don't want you to like, let me
come in. Let me get.
But it's also like, did he tell her that he wants to be
informed? Because I think that's also

(29:29):
like, it's another one of those things kind of like we talked
about where it's like in the last episode, is this something
that I need to burden somebody with to like, say out loud, or
can I just deal with this? A man would rather be asked for
help like I in no circumstance. So I want you to just deal with
something that you could at least let me know that you could

(29:51):
potentially use help. Which I get that and.
Then I might say, okay, actuallyyou.
Can some men want to help? But I'm just, yeah, we have to
use the ideal like what? As like a man versus a boy, a
guy. But like this guy, he's acting
like a no. He's acting like a boy.
That's why fan behavior. He can't handle a woman, which
is also like again, we're makingfun of her a little bit saying

(30:13):
that she's needy and has like a self esteem issue, right?
Which again, I don't like to usethe word needy as a bad thing
because sometimes it's it's like.
Yeah, I wouldn't use that if menwant women to need them.
But he's creating. Neediness is the wrong word.
But he's potentially creating this monster by the way that
he's acting because 1000% right?Because if a woman, if she maybe
she is just super insecure woman, but maybe she wasn't.

(30:35):
Maybe she was just a normally insecure woman, which women have
insecurities like you said. And then the way that he's
responding to her insecurity is making her hyper paranoid and
hyper insecure. And now she's acting super super
like clingy in the negative way or needy in the negative way
towards him because she's because he's made her feel this

(30:56):
way because he responds this. Way well and she's trying to be
less needy in the wrong way, which I agree with you.
I think I don't, I'm not talkingbad about this woman.
I think that she is anxious. I think a lot of women are
anxious like we talked about, they have their own
insecurities. But I think that he is creating
a lot of these situations because he doesn't want to

(31:19):
reassure her and have that neediness.
So then she's trying to be less needy by not telling him these
things. And then he's pissed about that
too. Again, it's like it's a very
confusing situation because somewhere along the lines he's
not being, and I know this for afact, basically right.
Yeah, I hate to be like 100%, but I'm almost willing to say

(31:40):
100% for sure. He's not communicating because
he's ignoring. Her.
No, yeah, he is creating this monster because he's not being
clear, then gets pissed at her when she does the wrong thing,
right. And then she's trying to figure
it out and she has no idea what to do.
So she probably came to him. He's like, you're being so
negative, why are you doing this?
So then when she's hungover, she's like, I don't want to

(32:02):
disturb him because he's probably going to think that
this isn't that big of a deal. And then he's she's pissed that
she didn't ask him. Yeah, I think you got it
exactly. And, and look at the beginning
of our relationship, right. Did I handle your insecurity
correctly? I I don't think, I don't know, I
don't think I did. I don't think I did.
Like, I know you don't want to say anything bad about me, but I

(32:22):
don't think I did. And I think it made you more
insecure, right? Because when you would, when you
would say stuff, right? And I would be like, I, I think
there were times where I said stop.
I'd be like, stop being so insecure or I would get
personally offended by your insecurity.
That's actually what I do, right?
Because I'd be like, I'm not even looking at anyone.

(32:44):
Like it's like, yeah, there's OK, if you think I'm getting, if
you're getting upset at me because you think I'm looking at
someone at the gym and I'm not that that is an issue.
But as a man, now I know how to handle that.
Instead of getting upset or personally attacked, I'd be
like, oh, wow. Like, why?
Why do you even. Yeah.
It is a lot different. You know, like, yeah, but but

(33:06):
that's The thing is. But but when I acted more that
way, I was like stop being insecure.
Like you need to stop being insecure just.
Like I'm healed like that. Wow, even when I'm like this is
on you, I didn't do anything butyou.
You're being insecure, so you'recausing a problem that doesn't
fix this. No, that's not.
That's not good. Yeah, so.

(33:27):
Not very caring. No #2 argument 2 while playing a
sport we both do I it must be pickleball I just I just do
pickleball from now on when people.
Have a young day. He does pickleball.
Right. It's like I, I, yeah, we got to
play pickleball sometime, but okay, well, playing.

(33:50):
I'm trying to think of puns on pickle dickle or whatever, Sean.
Okay, well, what was the one though?
Twerking on my Gherkin? That's my original statement.
I don't think that's original though it.
Is original. I came up with okay, look.
It's possible that I didn't. That's because it sounds so good
that you think you've heard it before.

(34:11):
Because you're like, that's brilliant twerking on my girth.
I have heard that okay. Maybe someone else, someone else
in the universe might have simultaneously came up with
that, I'll give that. But I didn't.
It was my original thought to me, okay.
Okay, I believe that. All right.
While playing a sport we both do, I express frustration about
not being very good. He got very upset saying my

(34:33):
negative feelings affect him andthat he quote wasn't sure he
wanted to be with me. After that he ignored me for two
days. OK, there's a few things here.
Like obviously it's really at this point.
He doesn't want to be with you. Yeah, like, you know, when
you're little kids, right? And you got that annoying kid

(34:56):
that wants to be in the friend group and you're just like, and
they're like, hey, what are we doing today?
And then you conspire with the other kids to just like, not
pass them the ball and just liketo go play on the slide.
And then they chase you and you're like, and you just ignore
them and you're like. I was not a bully.
No, I, you know, but you're likego away.

(35:16):
Or maybe you've been the subjectof that, but great, like you
like you're either have done it or been the subject of it.
But probably everyone knows whatI'm talking about, right?
It's like you're like what? Like this annoying little kid is
not getting the message that we don't want to be.
Just trying to like, ignore them, they're existing.
But they just keep on showing upand they keep on.
You don't have the the like the the guts as a kid to be like,

(35:39):
look, we don't want to play withyou.
You're not you're not our our kind of person.
Like it's cool like go and I know, but the but instead you do
something even more mean, which is to just ignore them and they.
Don't exist. Exactly right.
Like it's a lot of times it happens with the like the little
brother or the little sister or something like that.

(36:00):
You know, it's like the but, butyou know, but that's that's what
this is giving. It's like you're not getting the
message, OK? He's ignoring you for days at a
time and insulting you and beinglike I don't think I want to be.
Why? He's still doing stuff with her?
Because he's like, why? OK.
Because he's a boy who's afraid to be like.
He's not afraid to be like you're so negative and then

(36:20):
ignore her. He wants her to walk away.
Like it's the same thing. The kids on the playground,
right? They don't have the guts to be
like, look, we don't want to play with you, right?
So what they're hoping is that by ignoring the person and
treating them badly, if you treat them badly enough and
ignore them then they will walk away instead of you having to
tell them I don't want. To but he has the guts to be

(36:41):
like you're a people pleaser. Right.
So he's just trying to like, push her away.
He's. Like you're act like this.
This is a huge problem. I agree I.
Agree like you're right by calling it boy behavior because
it it's ridiculous if you don't.If he doesn't want to be with
her, he needs to say that he cansay all these other things.

(37:01):
He can ignore her. Right, Yeah, He can be like,
look, I can't handle. I can't handle you.
Right. She's like, I'm not very good at
this. And he's like, you're so
negative and he leaves. That's just what I'm imagining.
But it's like I'm going to breakup with you because I can't
handle you. Like you're too much for me like
that. That didn't.
He say that didn't he like threaten?
Basically, but he didn't actually do it right.
So you can say that, but then you can't do.

(37:22):
It or like if you're doing things right as a man and you're
actually a man and you're like giving her secure, like
validation and and she's just super hyper insecure no matter
what you do. And is then you might also have
to be like, look, I've I've shown you, you know, I've done
as much as I could for you, but like your insecurity is

(37:43):
negatively affecting my life andI don't think that we should be
together. I'm not I'm not going to miss
end it instead of like, OK, I'm not like, yeah, it's not being
insecure. It's annoying me.
It's bringing me down and that'sit.
But I'm talking to you soon. My thing is, how do you say
things like that? But then you can't just say you
want to leave like. He wanted her to leave.

(38:03):
But why he's a pussy? I'm sorry I said the P word but
really like. You finally said the P word.
I'm proud of you. But, but honestly, you can say
all this other shit, but you can't say I don't want to be
with you. He said he wasn't sure he wanted
to be with me again. This is emotional manipulation.

(38:23):
See. OK.
If you say I'm not sure I want to be with you, that's emotional
manipulation, right? Because you're trying what I
want you to do, then I do. But if you don't.
Right. Again, it's little kids on the
playground, right? You know, that's exactly what it
what it's giving. Yeah, it's just like break.
Up. I love that you keep saying it's
giving. OK.

(38:44):
I'm here for it. No, I like it.
It's just like the third time. You.
Know that. OK, you have to know about me.
I'm a basic bit. OK, I am a basic bitch.
I love pumpkin lattes and. I know.
Now what would the other? Basic bitch Dubai.
Chocolate Dubai Chocolate Dubai chocolate pumpkin spice latte
and. It's giving.

(39:04):
I like that it's giving. OK.
I'm not picking on you, I'm being.
Serious, I'm fine with being a basic bitch so like I publicly
I'll wear a T-shirt so. Yeah.
OK, so he's ignoring her for twodays.
Like I said, it's not he's obviously not.
So whether she was insecure or whatever to begin with, she's

(39:24):
acting super well. OK, this actually Now I have to
say at this point, when someone doesn't talk to you for two
days, you are insecure because why are you still like?
Like, because like, yeah. I'm not sure I want to be with
you. And then he gives you silent
treatment for two days. You should, if you have self
respect at that point, which maybe he's taking some of your

(39:47):
services. Yeah.
But if you have self respect at that point, you're like, OK, I I
hear what you're saying. OK but in her defense and then
you're gone. Broken her down to a place where
she doesn't have self respect because he's like mind
controlling her. Not.
Really. But she's allowing that to
happen. I agree, but I do think though

(40:09):
that she's been broken down by all these other silent
treatments before to such a low anxious place that now she's
like full blown anxious. The type that does stay with
people they shouldn't be stayingwith, right?
Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like a like
chicken or egg problem. It's like, you know, there's.
The end Because we did read thisbefore we did it.

(40:31):
I think you want. To go to Tel Aviv for.
That I think he acknowledges that at the end.
But but but it can be also like you can understand why he would
be annoyed he's not handling things right.
But if she is this kind of person that's always insecure no
matter what and has a low self esteem and like constantly needs
your validation. Yeah, but I think that he made

(40:55):
it this. Way to this?
Level. I don't think she was that level
before. I'm sure she was anxious before
she admitted that, but I think he's caused it to get to
critical levels. But if someone ever says to you,
I'm not sure I want to be with you, and then they give you
silent treatment for two days. And you allow them.
And you're not gone. You're not packed your bags
then, then now the problem is you, right?

(41:18):
You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, they fucked up and
they're stupid and they're a child, sure, but now, like,
you've stuck around. You.
You're you're, you're allowing, you just gave them back the
pacifier. They're like, and then you're
like, OK, fine, you're five years old, but here's the
pacifier. Like you're giving it back to
them. Like they're, you're like they
why? Why then they ever get rid of
the pacifier? Because you keep on giving it

(41:38):
back to them. Yeah, so #3 she says current
conflict last weekend at Well hold on, let's go back up to
argument one really quick because I didn't even hit on
this. The hungover part like This is
why Also what are you doing? Are you date drinking that or am
I guess she's hungover for the night.
OK, but still like she's obviously out partying without

(42:01):
him because he's at work. She's driving hungover so.
But also over the next day. Yeah, but don't drink to the
point of getting. Went out together.
You don't know that. I mean, don't drink.
Does that work? But don't drink to the point
that you get hung. Over most people are hungover
the next day, not the same day. But don't drink.
So OK, current conflict last weekend at a festival.

(42:24):
OK, That's why I I, I remember because we were read ahead of
this and I'm like last when as soon as I say see at a festival,
I'm like, are you in a relationship?
Didn't they go together? Yeah, but still like, OK, I
mean, when you use the word festival, go to a concert.
Couples go to festivals. We are going to a festival.

(42:47):
That's not really. I would call it a concert.
I mean, you call it a festival. Yeah, maybe the vocabulary,
maybe. Like EDM couples go to that.
Like burning me. Not Nos.
Go to that. See, that's where it's no,
you're not going. No, you don't.
Maybe swinger couples, but they're couples they're not.
Couples that's you're not in a relationship if you're doing.
Well, we don't know what festival they're going to.

(43:08):
But like I said, if you go to. I would call EDM going to a
fest. You go into an EDM one or
Burning Man, you're not in a relationship.
What? You can pretend like you're in a
relationship, but you're not in a relationship.
I've been to enough. Oh, you've been to?
The not in our relationship. No, no that.

(43:29):
You're not, you're not, you're not in the Yeah, you're not
Exactly not not the two day treatment.
Damn. You break up.
But OK, I mean, that's a side note.
I don't need to, yeah. People.
Cry about their festivals. Bulge.
But yeah, but like, yeah? I jokingly asked.

(43:51):
Start from the beginning, OK? Current conflict last weekend at
a festival. I try not to be triggered.
All right. I jokingly asked if he hated A
hairstyle I got. He said it was awful to ask and
again criticized my self esteem.That that seems a good cure for
someone at low self esteem is tell them criticize their self
esteem. OK?
That night he left me for a bit and the next day didn't speak to

(44:16):
speak to me. On Monday I texted him at work
to check in and he replied with a long text saying that he
wasn't sure about the relationship after I tried to
talk. When we got home we got into a
huge argument. After trying to explain my side,
he wasn't listening at all and sat on his phone for the
entirety of the conversation. I removed the phone from his

(44:37):
hand, not violently and said please will you listen to me?
He told me to pack a bag and leave.
Threw my keys, slammed doors andsaid some very hurtful things.
However, after this he said he just didn't know what he wanted.
I've never seen him act like this before.
It's now seven days later and he's still mostly silent with

(44:58):
me. Some examples I'll just keep
going on because this is all connected.
Sleeping in the spare room, not accepting meals I make him not
opening my text but active in our group chat.
Still taking care of our dog andoccasionally doing kind things
like buying food or making coffee for us.

(45:20):
Still has all of our photos, cards and mementos around the
house. So I guess Sir, I'm completely
anxious and feel like I'm walking on egg shells.
I don't want to push him while he's still in this headspace.
Push him out the door. But see, This is why I'm leaning
towards towards no self esteem and it's not entirely his fault

(45:42):
but I also feel stuck because I don't know whether he's done
with the relationship or just needs time.
Girl, I'm done for you. Yeah.
This guy mixed signals, still caring in some ways.
Like he made coffee for you but he's refusing food that you
like. Yeah.
What? Like what is?
There's no mixed signal. He didn't take the pictures
down, basically. Like you're fucking annoying

(46:03):
about that. You're fucking annoying.
I don't want to be in this relationship.
There's not mixed signal. Yeah, he's acting like so angry
because he's so far done already, but he's just a Pansy
and can't. I'm not gonna use the other word
again, but he is that as well, too.
Yeah, he is. Yeah.
Leave. Yeah, and he told you to leave.
Are you kidding? Me so mixed signals, still

(46:24):
caring in some ways, but not take not talking at all are
incredibly painful and I feel bad.
I mean, I like obviously she's in pain, but she's got no self
esteem. It's like the kids on the
playground that are ignoring youand like they like they just go
to the, you know, go to the nextpiece of playground equipment
while you're still swinging on the swings and you're just sit

(46:44):
swing. You're watching them.
Yeah. And they didn't.
And they told everyone they're talking to everyone else and
like, let's go play on this, on this on the slide and and they
just left you on the swings. They're not mixed signals.
You're not like, oh, I think they still want to be my
friends. No, they don't want to be your
friend. I mean, but it's not the right
way to handle. No, it's not.
The way to handle but it's also.Not.

(47:05):
It's also not. Communicating.
It's not a mixed signal like it's.
It's no signal which is a signallike it's.
They're not being clear. He's not being clear, but at the
same time it's not mixed signal he.
Has some sort of resentment towards her.
Oh. Yeah, he just, he hates and.
Guts. Yeah.
He doesn't like her. The last one was like, obviously
his last straw. Yeah, but like, you're gonna let

(47:27):
a man kick you out of the house.Well and well, The thing is also
like. Told you to pack a bag and go
somewhere else. She obviously has extremely low
self esteem. I.
Think that he caused it though, like a lot, not fully.
Not fully, but he couldn't have at this point because if she's
like the way that she's acting now, like 7 days of him not
talking to her and he sent, he'snot opening her texts and he's

(47:50):
active in the group. With him more than he loves.
Her and she's like, I want to hang on to this in case he in
case he's just unsure about likeyou don't want to be in the
relationship like. I hear what you're saying, but a
lot of people do this. I know, but and.
She's holding on to the good things.
And she's not the only one that's done that.

(48:11):
Like, yeah, she is super anxious.
She started out anxious. Now she's again at critical
levels. And I do think a lot of that of
that is because of him. Yeah.
And then they're not married. I get that.
But they've been together for 2 1/2 years and they're living
together like they have a dog, like they're.
They've established. Some like seriousness and even

(48:35):
though he's messing everything up, she doesn't want to get rid
of that. Just kind of like I'm sure in
some degree you also felt it with your previous situation,
like even though it's not great,you don't.
She doesn't want to give up the idea or the fantasy or the like

(48:56):
what they could have or could have had when it is good.
Well, let me read her last paragraph to do her justice.
Because I think we're we're, shesaid.
I'm worried that if I give him space he might drift further
away, but I also don't want to escalate things by pushing for
answers. I can't move out right now to
give him more space due to our dog and other practical reasons

(49:18):
as as this is my home too. I think this is an avoidance
slash anxious clash. How do I navigate this
situation? It is.
It's critically. Avoidant guy and critically
anxious woman. Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, but. Even like still like the self
esteem thing is still like really right?
I think she did have low self esteem at this.

(49:40):
Point and that could be. Really annoying to a person at
that like the level of low self esteem that she has is so low
that she's willing to accept this kind of behavior right.
But which could also be a no like it's that's.
Why I'm saying it's? Like no, a chicken versus egg
problem. The first two years she didn't
talk about all that. She just.
Talked about them living together in these recent ones,

(50:01):
right? He could have been slowly
chipping away at her self esteemfor those two years.
And I do think that that's the case based on how he's acting,
right? It has to be.
I get that. Yes, he's at his breaking point,
I understand that. But I think that she has been
pushed so far down the other line and maybe she.
Wants it to go back to how? It was before before she became

(50:23):
super insecure. And I think that's the case
because she's trying to even convince us through this post
that she's like, no one's ever called me negative and I'm so
great. Like I don't understand that's
not the case. But like.
I think that she's trying. To be more confidence right
exactly, but he just. Knocks her down with something.

(50:44):
Else why are you people pleasingand you know, why are you so
negative saying you're bad at this sport?
Like she's not really doing things that are causing him to
act this drastic. And again, we don't even know
what they're really talking about or how insecure she is or
what she's saying. Maybe it is really frustrating,
but he's still not handling it well.

(51:05):
He's not handling it well. I'm not in any way.
And. I know you're not.
I know you're not, but I. I just think though that yes I
agree that she does not have theself respect for herself but I
think that she's in the situation that she can't even
see that because of what all hashappened and she doesn't want to

(51:26):
give up hope. Like men try to act like women
just instantly leave for no goodreason.
This woman staying with a man who literally hasn't talked to
her in seven days. But that's more likely the case
then. Unfortunately because it it
activates that response in a woman to to make her cling more
when you push her away more. It's also just human nature like

(51:49):
psychology. So, but it only works on someone
with really low self esteem because at some point, well,
because it's like she's also trying to manipulate the
situation. Like he's basically telling her
you're annoying, I don't like you.
And she's like, well, I don't think that's really true.
Or like she's like trying to disprove that or change that

(52:11):
situation. But the the best way that she
could actually change that situation is to is to actually
just have the standard and walk away.
I get that. And but that means risking
losing him. But but she's like, well, there
must be some way I can fix this without risking losing him.
But you can't. When someone is treating you
badly and it's because of your low self esteem, the only thing

(52:34):
you can do is to demonstrate that you're not going to allow
that to happen and risk losing them forever because that's the
only that can save you. You know, I agree.
Look, when you were reading that, I said push him out the.
Door that's what she should havedone.
It's like the the guy, the hikerthat you know, whatever the.
Mountain climber that that fell right in a boulder.
Like, you know, remember the story, there was some guy as

(52:57):
like, I think a boulder fell on his arm, right?
And he's out there in the middleof nowhere.
No one even knows he's out there.
And he had to use his pocket knife to cut off his own arm.
No, I've never heard that story.OK, well or or like a or a a.
Dog or a bear trapped in a bear trap and they chew off their own
or or a rat or whatever, you know, like you got to survive.

(53:18):
Like that's how you survive. I don't know why I said that.
I don't either. That they went off of something.
Wow, gruesome. But yeah, I agree.
No, no, it's connected to something.
She needs to. Leave.
Oh yeah, that's respect. Exactly, exactly right.
Yeah. So you got.
To you got to be willing to do what it takes, I get that, but
she's been so manipulated. By this guy that she can't think

(53:41):
logically obviously. And hopefully people in the the
thread gave her the advice to leave because I agree with you.
But also I'm telling you right now, you just said in the last
episode that it's men response man's responsibility.
Oh yeah, for sure. He should have never moved in
with that woman. Because you cannot.
Convince me that he was not annoyed with her six months ago.

(54:04):
You cannot convince me. So why the hell did they move in
together? Why the hell did they get a dog
together? Why the hell?
I mean, look, and I've done, I've made the same mistakes.
I've lived with someone else andgot a dog with them and it
didn't work out and it was messy.
So like I'm I'm saying this froman experience.
I'm not even saying anything about him though because.
I don't even need to say anything about him because he's

(54:25):
just a dummy. He's just a boy.
Like he's his behaviour and whathe's is so like because he
doesn't want to be with her. There's not even a relationship.
That's why I'm not I'm just addressing her is because
there's no relationship. She thinks there's she thinks
there's a relationship when there isn't 1.
The men do need to be addressed,especially by a man like.
You they need to stop doing thisstuff because they do it a lot.

(54:48):
They do it a lot. So if you have a woman that that
you don't want to be with. And is annoying right?
Because his next step is cheating on her.
Right. If she stays with him.
Oh yeah, for sure. He he's already cheating on her,
I'm sure. I mean.
Probably because he's so he she did.
He disappeared at the festival. For a little while and came
back. You said that I didn't.
That was right, didn't she? Say, am I?
No, She said. She asked him if she he.

(55:10):
Liked her hair and he was so offended by that.
Yeah, OK. Oh yeah, I forgot.
I jokingly asked if he hated my hairstyle like if he hated A
hairstyle I got. He said it was awful to ask and
again criticize my self esteem. That night he left me for a bit
and the next day didn't speak tome that night for a bit.

(55:31):
That's she's been very much. She went to that one tent.
And Burning Man exactly, Yeah. He came, he came back with
things all over his clothes. Like, yeah, no, he she's in
denial. There's no relationship.
I know. And you're right.
I'm not saying you're not. Right.
Yeah, but the first step to getting yourself esteem.

(55:53):
Is to take stand up for yourself.
You had to like, well, not even stand up, Yeah.
It's not even. Stand up for yourself in this
case. Like, it's not even because
there's not even a relationship.It's just like just picking up
yourself and walking away. You don't even need to say
anything. Just disappear.
Yeah, well, it's more complicated than that.
They. Live together they have a dog, I
guess can't do that like a man can like you're doing viewing it

(56:14):
from the man for yeah, you're not going to leave that dog
Yeah, she can't like just leave like financially like yeah,
yeah, you're right, you know like that's not.
I get what you're saying. No, metaphorically, yes.
She needs to just be done. She needs to tell him, though.
She needs to be like, look. This relationship is over,
right? She needs to be.
I might. I might still.

(56:34):
Be want living. Here.
But. We're not in a relationship
anymore, right? Like, once I figure out how to
get out of here, I'm gonna be out, right?
Right. And I'm gonna take half of this
dog, John. I'm going to get visitation,
right? Yeah, yeah, I'm going to take
full. Rights of this dog because he's
there's no way he's he's not ignoring the dog for seven days.

(56:57):
He's like, you shit on the carpet, you're not getting food
for seven days, like whatever. Like he's definitely not taking
care of the dog. Or if he's treating the dog a
lot better than her, then they let him keep the dog and then
you no, you can't do that. OK, or whatever, but.
But she she's. No, you believe he's going to
take care of the dog if he ignores her?
Right. You can't leave a dog now.

(57:18):
No, he's a yeah, he's a dumb but.
But no, she just needs to tell him we're broken up.
I agree. Right.
And then figure out your shit. But like.
Actually have a but she'll get more confidence being away from
him, right? Yeah.
And going out there. And being with people that.
Actually like her. Yeah, yeah, but I'm like the kid
on the. Playground, but she's going to
have to work on. The self esteem thing herself.

(57:40):
Right, which because she can't though in this relationship.
No, no, no, no, no. There's no way she's.
Like, do you leave my hair? And he's like, I can't believe.
You would ask me that, right? I'm insulted.
Like who acts like that, right? But maybe she's pushed him to
that point where? She's been so insecure that hair
smallest thing triggers him. But again, like I said, I'm just
saying that like his behavior isboy, she should have broken up

(58:01):
with her before long before it got to that point right?
But I'm just saying that also, like, she's definitely very
insecure that she's tolerating this.
Yeah. Girl, leave.
Yeah. If you haven't already, like oh,
maybe he'll change his mind or. Like, no, you're it's so gone.
Like at the point where he's to your face, you're annoying, like

(58:23):
basically right, you know, and then just stop.
It leaves you and tells you to. Pack a bag.
No. Yeah.
Ignores you for two days, even the four hours.
I mean, I can't really talk thatmuch because I was like, I mean,
I didn't ignore you for four hours, but I did try to avoid
things. You did try to.
Yeah, but but two days. I'll chase you into the
bathroom. We're like, no, we're going to

(58:45):
talk. That's true.
Not in a violent way. Like I'm going to break down the
door. I'm like, no, like we're going
to talk. You can't run away from me.
Yeah, you can't run away from me.
Yeah, you can leave, but you can't run away, which and it
sounds like at the end she's like hide.
We, you know, hide. You can't.
You can't hide like you can. You can be.
Done. You can be done, but you can't

(59:06):
hide like, you know, we're not going to.
Yeah, you have to do the thing. But it sounds like she
confronted him. Yeah.
And then that blew up. And that should have been the.
Answer for her really honestly there.
She's like tried to talk about it.
She's like, please talk to me. And he's like, pack a bag,
right? Like all right, now I'd be like,
no, you pack a bag. But men can be like her also.
Like there's plenty of guys likecoach a lot.

(59:27):
They're they're hanging on like the woman is like doing all
kinds of bad stuff, right? And and they're just like
allowing it to happen, right? And then they're like, right.
So that's why I use this for it.I'm trying to talk.
Right. Earlier about that, I think that
she's still hanging on to something in this relationship
that was good. She started the beginning of

(59:47):
like, we have this great relationship and I don't think
it's a great relationship, but Ithink there were good parts that
she's clinging to. Yeah.
And so, you know, maybe she's like, we can get back there,
even though it's delusional. He's so far in the opposite
direction now they can't get back there.
And she's like, they might be like, oh, but maybe we.
Can like maybe? There's something I can do.

(01:00:09):
She's anxious too. So she's like maybe I can fix
this, but we just need to talk about it.
But and but the problem is like she can't fix.
It because his complaint is you're too, you have too, you're
too insecure, you have too low self esteem.
So by waiting around and then which he is, proves his point.

(01:00:29):
It may exactly like he doesn't think that she's more he's not
going to come around and be like, oh, actually you're like
the fact that he can ignore her for seven days and she's still
around sends him exactly the message that which he needs,
which is that yeah, she's you'reright.
She's super insecure and has lowself stuff that annoys you and
you don't like it then like she's doing exactly what he's

(01:00:51):
annoyed by. Yeah, right.
So it's like they the answer is to not allow that to happen.
Yeah. Which means you have to, which
is that that's why you can never, ever, whether a man or a
woman ever take shit at any point.
Like, because once you start taking shit norm, yeah, then it
becomes a norm, right. The very.
First time. Someone does that, like it, like
people make mistakes, but you got to be like, this cannot

(01:01:14):
happen. Like you got to have a talk
there and be like, you know, so but but it is hard in this case
because of the insecure. Like, you know, he's not
handling the insecurity correctly.
That's, you know, on him as a man.
It's like, you know, so the lesson is as a man, when a woman
is insecure, you need to handle it in the proper way or you're

(01:01:35):
going to create a doctor, a hide, then you're going to
create a monster of insecurity if you don't actually address,
which is what he's done. Yeah, that's why.
She's the way she is. Like I'm not saying it's not her
responsibility. It is, you know, but he really

(01:01:56):
did some damage on her. And then now to the point where
she has no self respect for herself, but she has to get it.
You're right. Like he can't.
There's nothing he can do to give her the self respect
because if she didn't leave during that current situation
that you just explained, that he's explaining about him saying
all that stuff and acting that way, then I don't know what

(01:02:18):
would be big enough for her to leave right right.
And not talking to her for a week.
Yeah, and the. Joke's on on him because to a
degree. Also, as the man, you want a
woman that's that's more so likethis, you know, like I think
you're right that he pushed her further than but you want a
woman that's going to be like sodedicated to you that she
believes in you no matter what, right in even in this.

(01:02:42):
But it's. Too delulic.
It's too. It's too much.
But I'm just saying like. Like, you know, you want that
characteristic of you want a woman to be needy, to be clingy
towards you in a good way. Like if you like, you don't want
to create the negative version of that by pushing her away when
she does it. But that, that's the thing that.

(01:03:03):
Angers avoidance. Unfortunately.
This is very common, right? You know, just a anxious
avoidant coupling is almost never going to work.
Yeah. That's why one of them has to be
secure or close. Enough to secure, right?
Like this is the classic like, yeah, 'cause it's opposite,
like. People repelling each.

(01:03:24):
Other right, because the avoidant is repulsed by her
anxious behavior. That's what he's doing, right?
And she's clinging more because he's pulling away, like you
said, exactly so. And then like anything that she
does that's clingy or even like even her trying to resolve the
situation at this point, right? He's literally wants nothing to

(01:03:46):
do with her, but he doesn't havethe balls to actually say that,
right? And then she's just like
fighting. She's like, I can fix this.
I can fix this. Like maybe if I show him how
much I love him, he'll turn around, but not when he if he's
doesn't speak to her for two days and then it's turned into
seven days. Yeah, that's he's going further

(01:04:07):
down the avoidant path. And like that, it's just not
possible. Right.
Yeah. At that point, he just needs to
say. Like not in UN, not in uncertain
terms. And maybe it's also that he has
told her maybe he like the sevenday like because she she said
that he told her to pack a bag. But maybe he did tell her like

(01:04:27):
we're broken up and she's still like, I don't know, I think she
would have admitted. That right?
I don't know. It could be like denial.
Of the Navy. All right, well, that's it.
We're we'll never know we're outbecause we're out of time and
we'll we're never going to figure it out anyway.
But yeah, that's true. But I mean, it's only just a

(01:04:50):
lesson anyway to like of of how to how to go about this or leave
a situation. Yeah, and be a man.
Yeah, be a man. Yeah, don't.
Women have self respect. Yeah, yeah.
Don't allow a. Woman to, I guess.
That's the biggest thing is for men is don't allow a woman to to
disrespect herself to that degree that are to degrade

(01:05:12):
herself to that degree. Don't allow her to do it right.
If you don't want to be with heranymore, don't.
Even put her in a position whereshe could like, make the wrong
decision for herself. Yeah, don't see the decision.
Exactly. Don't see someone?
Doing this and and and let them do this to themselves further
like you have to be. They won't do it if you if you

(01:05:32):
know you don't want to be with. Somebody.
No, you got to make it. You got to be like, look, I
don't want to be with you. Yeah.
Like, yeah, we're, we're. What she says.
Exactly because you made your. Decision right?
Don't. Put it on her right.
Like, you're the man. That's what if you don't want to
be in this relationship, you tell her right when you're sure.
And even if she's like, no, I want to be with you and she's
anxious like this person. Yeah, no, don't allow her to

(01:05:53):
grovel and be pathetic. Like to, to use, to disrespect
her, like don't as a man, as a gentleman, don't allow her to do
that to herself. Tell her no, it's over, we're
done. You know, instead of letting it
carry on like that, because it'snot OK to like allow like you're
kind of taking advantage of the feminine in that case.

(01:06:15):
Like you're allowing her to liketo do all this stuff because,
you know, you're allowing her to, to disrespect herself right
to this degree. So, all right, on that note, if
you have a question for us, you know that you'd like us to
debate or whatever to discuss. Yeah, just you can either send

(01:06:37):
us in, you know, you can post onReddit like they did or, or you
can, or you can send us the e-mail directly.
I get at [e-mail].
Yeah, yeah, we'll be nice. We weren't.
Not nice, we know we're not. Not nice, I mean.
We'll be honest. Yeah, we'll be honest.
But.