The NUMBER ONE Killer Of Relationship NO ONE Talks About [Ep 94]

You’re not actually fighting about the toilet seat. You’re fighting about what it means—feeling unseen, unsafe, or unloved. In this episode we argue the #1 relationship killer is resentment, not a lack of communication per se. We cover how resentment builds like plaque, why “surface” complaints are really unmet emotional needs, how to bring things up without triggering a defensive spiral, and the crucial difference between grace and rug-sweeping. We also unpack the weird moment when a partner finally changes—and the other partner suddenly feels more resentment (and what to do about it). Finish with scripts, boundaries, and a weekly ritual to keep the rug flat.⸻Timestamps (approx.)0:00 Cold open: “If you were madly in love, the toilet seat wouldn’t set you off.”2:10 Why we think resentment (not “communication”) kills relationships5:05 The plaque/tartar analogy: small issues → hardened resentment8:00 Surface vs. source: decoding what the “little thing” actually means11:20 How to bring it up: facts → feelings → needs (without accusation)14:45 “Vulnerability makes you invulnerable” (and why it’s scary)18:00 When your partner reacts badly: compassion + boundary script21:40 The “death-penalty” metaphor: why people hide or get defensive24:10 Grace vs. rug-sweeping—one heals, one stores ammo27:30 When improvement triggers anger: processing delayed hurt31:20 Forgiveness ≠ keeping score: what “let go” really means34:00 Weekly maintenance ritual to prevent buildup37:00 Quick self-check: am I hurting my own feelings right now?40:00 Wrap + homework

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
If you were madly in love with someone and they left the toilet
seat up, you wouldn't be upset, you would just put it down.
There's something else that's going on that makes it so this
becomes a trigger. It's easy to tell people surface
level problems. You have to actually get beneath
that. That's where the real
vulnerability is. What does it mean to you?
How does it make you feel? Not enough.
How does it not make you feel loved?

(00:21):
Because if you're getting everything that you needed in
the relationship, all your needswere being met at an emotional
level, surface level, things wouldn't bother you.
We discovered through our flaws,we complete each other better
than perfect. We stay through every.
Fault we find no. Way All right, welcome back to

(00:46):
the Better than Perfect podcast where every week we share with
you how 2 imperfect people helping each other grow equals 1
better than perfect relationship.
That's right. Yeah.
And today, yeah, we're we're going to be talking about the
the number one thing that can kill your relationship.
I wonder what people watching this thinks that it is Children,

(01:08):
What I mean, a lot of people think that'll fix that.
Their relationship, it's #2 but oh.
My gosh. Yeah, I mean, have kids.
It's OK. Have kids, It's OK, yeah.
It's OK. We need the population.
That's how would the world, how would we have, you know, how

(01:31):
would the human species survive if people didn't?
I mean, I don't think it's goingto.
I think AI is going to Terminator us at some point, but
that's just my opinion. But it's it's actually
resentment that is the number one.
The real 1. Yeah, Yeah.
At least that's you know what what we think that it is, but I
think that it's a it's a really good is.

(01:54):
Because I think it encompasses alot of stuff, like a lot more
than what people think. And even I was thinking about
it, you know, people say sometimes that communication is
key, right? They'll say that that's like the
important thing. And I think that that keeps you
from having resentment. So that's why it's key.

(02:14):
So I do think that resentment isthe number one thing because
once that seeps in, it also paints a totally different
picture of the situation than, you know, the one that you had
when you first got married or things didn't build up.
We talked about it when we firststarted our podcast, like

(02:34):
sweeping things under the rug. And like, I don't think we did a
whole episode on resentment exactly.
But I know that we've talked about, you know, sweeping things
under the rug until it's just like this huge mound and you're
going to trip over it eventually.
Exactly. Yeah.
But yeah, I do think that that Ican't, I can't think of another
thing that would be the most damaging to a relationship.

(02:55):
Yeah, I mean it. Yeah.
It's, I mean, there's things that can damage relationship,
but this is the most common thing that ends up right.
Like because we did the episode about the get the honeymoon
phase and how it could never end.
And basically the formula was tonot have resentment.
So, you know, the analogy I always like to use is that it's
like tooth decay, right? It's like if you don't brush

(03:17):
your teeth and go to the dentist, you have tartar that
builds up and plaque and over time that causes tooth decay.
And you know, if you, but if youregularly clean it and you know,
get rid of that tartar, get it scraped out of there, then your,
your teeth don't decay. But it's the same thing with a
relationship is like that tartarof the relationship builds up

(03:39):
and from fights, from disagreements, from things that
you want that you're not gettingand you know, the things that
didn't get resolved. And then over time, as that
builds up, it becomes a decay, it ends up decaying the
relationship. And so you have to have those
regular cleanings, which is the talking it out and and bringing

(03:59):
up the top topics, right, because it's like otherwise
investors. Well, and I think people don't
talk about a lot of the things that bother them because they're
afraid of the situation that it's going to turn into.
It's going to turn into an argument, it's going to turn
into a disagreement. But what's worse for your
relationship than getting into adisagreement or an argument with
your partner is not doing that and harboring the resentment.

(04:22):
And then it just builds and builds and builds.
And then you're so far into thatby the time you do actually talk
about it, you're probably actingin ways that you don't even want
to be acting and then causing more damage.
And then you can get to a point where it might not even be
repairable. I think most things are

(04:43):
repairable. However, if you let a lot of
resentment build up about a lot of things and now you like, hate
this person essentially, which sounds crazy but some people get
to that point, then you just kind of give up.
You don't even want to fight forthe relationship anymore.
And instead of talking about it when you first started feeling

(05:04):
resentment, and even though it'sgoing to be an uncomfortable
conversation, you would have cleaned all that out and it
would have been swept under yourrug.
And you would not feel emotionally constipated or
whatever you're feeling. Because you're still harboring
your actual true feelings that you never expressed or you
express them, but you guys just argued and then you didn't want

(05:26):
to deal with that. And so you're like, whatever,
I'm not dealing with this. And then.
So you never actually resolved the problem.
It's just like, I mean, again, the dental, right, because when
you have calculus that builds upon your, your teeth, it's
because you have the soft plaque, right?
And then that soft plaque hardens and becomes tartar,

(05:48):
which can only now be scraped. But if you brush your teeth when
you have that soft plaque, it'llcome off right?
Unless you're me and they alwaysgot to scrape my freaking teeth
no matter what I do. But it's the same thing as it's
when you have the issues, if youdiscuss them as they're coming

(06:08):
up, they're easier to get resolved.
But when it's built up over time, then that's where all of a
sudden out of nowhere, there is an explosion and all of these
hurt feelings come out in a wrong way because resentment has
has set in. And so and then it's harder to
remove. It's harder to fix the
relationship when you now hate your partner because you've been

(06:30):
festering and thinking about theways that they should get in a
car accident or whatever, because people do really start
to get to that point where they're actually brewing on like
they're thinking they're. Like their partner to get in a
car accident. It happened.
I mean, people get to the point where I think about it, people
fall in love, right? They get married, they're in

(06:53):
love and then they have a divorce where they want to tear
each other's hearts out and, andsee each other dead on the road.
Like that's to that level where they hate each other's guts.
So at that point, like something's happened during that
process that they've gotten to that extreme.
And what I'm saying is that it'sresentment is because resentment

(07:15):
built up overtime turns into hate.
OK, but here's the thing, here'sI guess my question because yes,
but also I feel like with cheating thing.
So when a partner cheats, the woman resents him for doing
that. And that's also part of it

(07:36):
because I feel. Like I think that can be the
case I'm. Concerned if most people have so
much resentment where they wanted the other person to die.
Like that's extreme. It's pretty common in divorce I
think. I can see where someone's maybe
been cheated on that they would say extreme things like that.
Again, I don't think it's acceptable.

(07:57):
I don't think it's OK. But I guess that's my question
is like, is cheating like how you feel when you've been
cheated on resentment? Is that more betrayal?
I. Mean initially it's betrayal,
right? But then it becomes resentment.
Right, because you're like, you know, I spent all this time with

(08:19):
this person and they did this tome or whatever.
Like, you know, or sometimes they're like, why didn't I see
this before or whatever, but. Yeah.
So maybe. I can maybe see someone that's
been cheated on a woman being extreme like that, but if you
just have straight up resentmentover the years and it's turned
into that. If you want your partner to die

(08:39):
right, please go talk to your partner about your problems and
be vulnerable with them. Well.
It it, like I said, it gets to the point where people have
these horrible divorces and that's where they're they're at
at that point. But I mean they.
Just never talk to each other, right?
Yeah. Well, it's because it's like, I

(08:59):
think what ends up happening, the progression of it is that
you have something that annoys you that's like unresolved
things. And then that resentment
because, OK, when you're in love, right, when you're
idealistically in love and you meet someone new and you're like
falling in love, you have an idealistic view of them.

(09:21):
So all the the quirks that they have, you're like, that's cute,
right? It's like, oh, he leaves context
on the. I still think that's cute.
I love you. That's a good thing that that
changes. If that changes, let me know
before it gets so the car crashed like burned in a car
crash. So no, but but you, you have an

(09:41):
idealistic view of the things, right?
And then what happens is when something happens, your feelings
are hurt and it doesn't get resolved, then you're like, oh,
look, they make such weird noises when they chew their
food. Like look at her with her smug
look on her face. Or like you start to like find.

(10:02):
Things or make things up. Right yeah, that now annoy you
and then those things just you're in that zone of
resentment they. Compound.
Exactly. And now everything this person
does and now everything, you're just finding ways.
Now you're talking bad to your friends about the person, and
then you're now building up thiscase against where you're

(10:25):
actually converting it into hatred to and it compounds and
it gets to a point where it's the extremes, like how do you
actually hate this person? You hate the way they breathe.
It's like you loved everything about them.
And it's because that's what resentment does.
That's why forgiving, we did a whole episode.
Unforgiving is such a huge important thing that you can do

(10:46):
as a human being for yourself, not just in a romantic
relationship, but just in life and other people.
Because if you don't forgive, then you will build resentment
and over time it will turn into hatred and you'll become a
grumpy hating person. Right.
Well, and I think that you have to talk it out too until you

(11:07):
feel like it's all on the table,right?
Not until I would even say, not until someone tells you what you
want to hear, but until you've speaking your truth and you've
put it out there because you can't control how the other
person's going to react. Like say that, I don't know,
like, OK, we'll use the contact thing.
Say I'm like, hey, John, it really bothers me that you leave

(11:28):
your contacts everywhere and like you're trying, but maybe
you forget or something. And then that would just
probably set me off if I was in that state.
However, if I'm like told you how I feel and I can at least
acknowledge that you're trying and if it kept happening, I
would have another conversation with you.
But I think The thing is that you have to express it and then

(11:51):
allow that person to either likedo the improved version of that
or not. And then kind of go from there
rather than basing your resentment on if you get the
proper response or not. Right.
Exactly. Yeah.
Yeah. Like, obviously your partner

(12:12):
should care about you and want to help you.
Or maybe there's a reason the contacts, maybe the dog is
taking the contacts. And you know what I mean?
Like, you don't know what's going on.
This sounds ridiculous, but you have to be open.
And a lot of people who have a lot of resentment aren't open.
They're just like, I don't like you.
Like you're bothering me. You're annoying me, like you

(12:33):
said. Or they're like why that you
keep doing this like that is defensive attack behavior.
And to actually get rid of the resentment in you have to be
vulnerable. You have to not base how you
feel on the other person. Granted, if you're in a
relationship, you should feel like your partner cares and is

(12:55):
trying, but I don't think you should ever even expect it to
immediately change. I think you know deep down
whether your partner cares and they're making an actual effort,
right? Versus they, they're just kind
of blowing you off and they didn't even, they're just
telling you what you want to hear and they just keep doing
the same thing. And well, and even in that case,

(13:16):
like if you take the contacts case, it would never actually be
about the contacts, right, right.
So if you're like, hey, you're leaving your contacts on the
floor, whatever. And then like, OK, I'll, I'll
try to do better. And then and then it happened
and then you got upset. It wouldn't have even been about
the contact. Right, you took my thought from

(13:38):
my brain. It people most of the time just
want to feel like you care aboutthem.
Right, exactly. And and even when you brought it
up and even if you brought up the first time, it still would
have been about the context then, right.
It would have been something outthis context.
Like you didn't care. Yet it represents.
Just left them somewhere. Yeah.

(13:58):
And so, yeah, that's what was going through my mind too, is
that that's why you have to justspeak your truth and be
vulnerable. I'm not saying speak to people
in a harsh way or violently being verbally violent.
That's not the way to get what you want either.
Like you have to be vulnerable, you have to be open.

(14:20):
And you probably just want somebody to feel like they care
about you because like you said,it's normally not the thing that
people think they're resenting their partner for.
It's normally that they don't feel cared about or loved or
whatever it is. So that's why being vulnerable
when you express these things, if you're emotionally aware

(14:41):
enough, you should be able to belike, hey, the contact things
bother me because I feel like you don't care.
I feel like you're, you know, whatever, but maybe you're not
there yet. But if you're like, hey, this
bothers me like whatever. And you still try to explain it
in a vulnerable way, not an attacking way.
Your partner is way more likely to respond to you back in a

(15:04):
vulnerable and caring way. I mean, you got married or
you're in a relationship for a reason.
Your partner should care about you and you should care about
your partner. So even when you allow the
resentment to build up where you're treating your partner
poorly, you're not caring about them, just like you feel like
they're not caring about you. And a lot of people do the tit

(15:25):
for tat thing. And honestly, the tit for tat
thing is not good. It's really not because you have
to realize that you have to do things based on who you are, not
on how people treat you, right? Exactly.
Because you'll always also feel like you don't even really know
who you are if other people's actions dictate what you do.

(15:48):
Now, I'm not saying that you can't, you know, change certain
behavior. Maybe you don't do as much or
you don't worry about the contacts.
You allow him to like figure it out, whatever.
I'm not saying you can't change certain things like that, but
you should never allow somebody if they're talking poorly to you

(16:09):
to be like, well, I'm going to talk poorly to them.
Exactly. The better thing is to be like,
I'm not going to continue this conversation, Have a boundary,
be kind and have a boundary. And so even though it's scary to
even get into a conversation because a lot of people have
this resentment where they hate each other, right?
Right. But they're still afraid to
actually talk to each other. Right.

(16:30):
And to really talk and that's the thing, it's like, because
you have to dig below the issue because, because when we're
talking about doing the deep cleaning, because we're like,
Oh, well, I do talk or, or whatever I brought up the
subject, it's like you might noteven realize what it is for you.
Because if you're like, I keep on telling him about the
contacts again, then it's like, well, yeah, but what?

(16:52):
There's something deeper than that.
Why did it even annoy you in the1st place?
If you were madly in love with someone, they left the toilet
seat up, you wouldn't be upset. You would just think that's
silly. Like you would just.
Put it down, fell in the toilet,right?
Right. But you would just put it down,
you know what I'm saying? You wouldn't be upset, right?
It's like there's something elsethat's going on that makes it so

(17:14):
this becomes a trigger and you have to actually get beneath
that, which that's where the real vulnerability is.
Because it's easy to tell peoplesurface level problems and say I
want you to do this. Are you're upsetting me because
you're doing this. But that's not that's not the
real vulnerable heart level problem.
It's like, what is that doing toyou?

(17:35):
What does it mean to you? How does it make you feel?
Not enough? How does it not make you feel
loved? How are these things happening
that you're not getting in theirrelationship?
Because if you're getting everything that you needed in
their relationship, all your needs were being met at an
emotional level, then surface level things wouldn't bother
you. Like you, you know, you feel
fine. Like taking care of them, like

(17:57):
doing, they leave something on the floor, picking it up, you
know, like there's something that's going on always
underneath. And that's what you have to dig
down and figure out. And, and it goes both ways
because when you're presenting aproblem, you have to think
about, OK, well, what is this? What am I actually?
How can I actually vulnerably present what's actually
happening? And then also when you're on the

(18:18):
other side of it and you're getting some kind of thing that
might seem ridiculous to you, it's like, well, why is this?
Why is this bothering my partnerso much?
It's because what is underneath that?
It's not what they're saying. And if you can figure out, Oh
well, like even you can ask somequestions.
We'll do some sales questions. It's like, oh, so when I leave

(18:40):
the contacts on the floor, what,what, what does, what does that
do to you? Like how did, how do you feel
about that? Like what?
What happens when you see? Well, you don't even have to do
this little thing right here because when you said the thing
about the toilet seat, Yeah, I agree with you.
I think that if you did it a fewtimes, it would not be a big
deal. But I think even I would feel

(19:02):
like you didn't like care about me also using the bathroom if
you did that consistently. And that doesn't even happen.
But I'm just thinking about it. Like when you said that, it's
like it does kind of feel, I hadthis feeling of like it does
feel kind of inconsiderate if it's every single time, you know
what I mean? Because like, it'd be different
if I could use the bathroom in that state.

(19:26):
I mean, you can, it's just hard.To no, I'm not going to and so
you don't make me attempt but I think that's the thing, right?
It's like I cannot use the toilet like this.
So it does feel inconsiderate. You know what I mean?
Like if it constantly happened now, if it happened every once
in a while, But I mean, like, even I have that reaction.
You don't even do this thing. But it's like even thinking

(19:47):
about that, thinking about if some if, like you did that
constantly, and then I'm tellingyou right now that I would feel
like you didn't. You weren't being considerate of
me. And I would feel like you didn't
care about how you're leaving things.
Yeah. That I also use.
And then you and then you tell me about it, right?
And then I still don't do it. And now it's compound.

(20:10):
Now how do you feel? Now you feel like.
I feel like you apps you don't. It wasn't even just the toilet
you just really don't care about.
Right, yeah, now I'm ignoring the words that you're saying,
like something that. You're listening.
I don't actually. Care about things that you're
hand. And yeah, right.
So, so then it becomes another issue compounded on top of that,
whereas like, what is the core issue, right?

(20:30):
Because it's like, if you get tothe core issue and it, and it's
really like with the toilet seat.
In that case, it would be something like it feels like
you're you're not considering melike I must not be the number
one in your life. If your thoughts aren't enough
about me to think when you're doing something like, how can I?

(20:51):
Right, and you're telling me I'm#1 but it's like the toilet says
otherwise. I'm not on your mind sounds.
Ridiculous, but this is real life like these are the things
that bother people and like maybe it's more so women with
some of these things, but men have the same sort of things
where they don't feel consideredor they don't feel desired or
they don't feel whatever is important to them.

(21:12):
And it might seem little to a woman.
This toilet seem thing might sound stupid to men but they
have things that a woman would be like oh that sounds
ridiculous but you it doesn't matter like you should care.
And if you talk about it, then you can get to the point because
is it because in your mind, you know, you might be like, oh, he

(21:33):
he doesn't leave put the toilet seat down because he doesn't
consider me. But it might be that he's just
forgetful or like just an idiot,right?
And so if you have the conversation, then you can
determine which one it is. And if it's like, if the
reassurance is there to say, oh,wow, I like, I really don't mean
to do that. I I no way want to do that.

(21:54):
Like I, I literally just forget,but I will now make it a point
to not forget that then that that sort of solves the problem
at the deeper it actually cleansthe plaque off because because
the issue wasn't the toilet seat.
It was the deeper thing of like.Why is this like, and the
assumption about why that behavior was happening, which
made it made you feel insecure, It made you feel not enough

(22:18):
because everything always comes down to one of those things that
that we feel insecure, we don't feel enough.
And it's like, this is just, youknow, how we're seeing this in
the world. And then when you get that
reassurance, Oh, no, you are enough.
Like you, you know, then, then, then it resolves the the issues.
But right, But it has to be resolved at that deep level.
Nothing is ever surface level. Yeah.

(22:39):
And when you have very intimate relationships, like when you're
married, when you're in a relationship and you live
together and all those things, like little things like that are
going to pop up more and mean more than they probably did when
you guys lived on your own. You didn't have to worry about
toilet seats and things like that, you know what I mean?

(23:00):
So it's normal for little thingslike that to pop up and you
still have to talk about them, right?
Like, no matter how minuscule itseems, if it's bothered you to
the point where you're borderingon resentment, right?
You should talk about it immediately.
Exactly. And that's the key, right?
Is talking. Like don't be like, oh, this

(23:20):
toilet seat thing really annoys me, but like, am I really going
to start a fight over a toilet seat?
Like now you've just convinced yourself out of actually solving
your own problem because you're like, this is dumb.
And like he's and the guy might be like it's dumb, but if he's
like this is dumb, then you alsonow know that you feel very much

(23:42):
unimportant or whatever those defeated things.
Are you can start the conversation with this is dumb,
but right, I feel this way. Like, I can't help that I feel
this way. I know it's dumb.
I know it's not a big deal, right?
But this is where I think it's coming from.
Yeah. Like, I'm not blaming you for
anything. I'm not saying you're doing
anything intentionally, but I just have to let you know how I
feel because I don't want it to be something that I hold against

(24:06):
you or that I, you know, that like I keep on thinking about in
my mind, Yeah. Can you help me?
Still might not understand. No, send them to John.
And, and you're not always, you can't, that's The thing is like
you have to be brave in your vulnerability, right?
Because you're not always going to get the, the reaction that
you want, because if you're onlygoing to get a positive

(24:27):
response, it wouldn't take courage to be vulnerable, right?
And so you have to, it has to beenough that you've done the
right thing, that you've put yourself out there.
And that actually, like we talked about before, it makes
you invulnerable in in other episodes, we talked about
vulnerability makes you invulnerable because when you're
really, really willing to put itall out there and you don't have
an expectation of how the other person's going to respond or the

(24:49):
outcome, then there's nothing that's going to harm you in
that. And so you can really put that
out there. But but that's what, you know, I
think a lot of people don't do it because they're like, just
like you said, Oh, am I really going to start a fight over
this? This thing is like start a fight
now, potentially, which you don't have to fight, you don't
have to engage in a fight, but potentially start a fight now in

(25:12):
order to save a relationship. In the long term, to save the
destruction of your. Relation because it will
destroy, because that one littlething that's bothering you will,
will grow, you know, the root ofbitterness like that bitterness
plant will grow into now this other thing annoys you and this
other thing and this other thing.
And it's like all these things will build up to the point where

(25:32):
it's like fiery car crash. Yeah.
Fantasy actually talk about it like we'll use continue to use
the toilet seat thing. But if you actually talk about
that, right and your husband or whatever's, like, I'm really
sorry, I just like forget, but I'm going to try and you believe
him. And like I said, he's like,
maybe he still does it sometimes, but he does it.

(25:52):
He puts it down more often now, right?
That will also help you have a more secure relationship.
And you might not feel attached to the toilet seat anymore.
You know what I mean? You might not see the toilet
seat up and be like, oh, he doesn't care about me.
If anything, you'll be like, oh,I see he's trying.
He forgot this time and just putit down.
And like we said in the beginning, that if it's ever

(26:14):
happening every so often, but you feel like your partner
really cares and he's really, you know, listen to you and his
action like he's doing it more where he's putting it down.
Yeah, he just got demented. Going to bother you as much, you
know what I mean. So like will also help.
I think people are afraid it's going to mess up their
relationship to bring up things that bother them, but it

(26:35):
actually gives them a more secure relationship.
And it becomes a real relationship because if you're
building the relationship on a weak foundation, a false
foundation that is easily can crumble because it's not how you
really feel, it's not the real issues, then you're creating
something, a structure on something that has a weak
foundation. And so when you're talking about

(26:58):
the things that actually are matter, like mean things to you
are are meaningful to you, then it's real.
It's real talk. It's this is how I feel.
This is what upsets me. This is how I feel insecure.
These are my actual vulnerabilities, which it always
comes down to vulnerabilities, right?
That's what it is. It's like this, like you're
bearing yourself bear before your partner and you're both

(27:22):
doing this and people don't likeit.
Normally when you say to someonethis is how you've hurt me.
Right. They're going to defend them.
Themselves, their response is torun away or to beat you like
because. It's horrible if you say it like
that, you know what I mean? Because that's what they because
that's our human response. Yeah, but you have fight.
Or flight. You have to walk through that

(27:44):
and also empathize with them with their human response,
knowing that you have that exactsame human response and and
realize that that's why you can't have the expectation on it
is like you have the vulnerability.
They react negatively to it. You react to their negative
reaction with compassion and understanding and continuing to

(28:04):
be vulnerable that now they feelsafe.
Like it's like because what happens is when you tell someone
how they've hurt you to the other person, it feels like an
attack. It feels like an attack on their
character. It feels like like you're
cornering them right. It feels like that.
But when you when you were vulnerable and tell someone how

(28:24):
they hurt you and then they react like they do, and then you
continue to make it still safe for them to be like, I'm I, I
understand that you're like, youdon't like this is uncomfortable
for you, but this is still the truth.
And I'm not going to get upset at you just because you have a
negative reaction to this. Like I like this is still the

(28:46):
truth. Then they feel safe.
Depends on how much. It depends on how much you have
a boundary. If someone's like yelling at you
for sure. And also you do run the risk of
steam rolling, right? I don't think that's OK.
I think like if you come to somebody vulnerable and they're
like, you hurt me for saying this thing, that's steamrolling,
right? And so I agree with you that you
can still be compassionate and be like, hey, I understand.

(29:08):
Like it's hard to hear things like this, but I love you.
I'm not saying I don't want to be with you, but if they
continue down that path and thentry to just be like, no, you
hurt me and then now it goes that way, then you should
probably have a boundary and be like, OK, we need to talk about
this at another time when you can talk more calmly.
But like you can still have boundaries and like you said,

(29:29):
you can still empathize. And honestly, people in
relationships should reflect on the fact that they've come to
their partner and told their partner that they've been hurt
by them before and the and vice versa.
So you know that you've also hurt your partner.

(29:49):
So if you just start from a vulnerable place in general and
not allow someone being vulnerable and telling you
things to hit your ego, especially if you're in a
relationship like you chose to spend the rest of your life
together. And if you met that commitment,
which everybody who makes it should, then it should be safe
to talk about even hurting each other.

(30:13):
And it's not easy. We've been in situations where
we've hurt each other and we've got defensive and but now we're
in a totally different place. Knock on wood, we're not going
to come back with any more things.
But but no, I think we've learned this and me especially,
like I'm coming here really talking about all this and being
vulnerable because I was the opposite of this, right?

(30:34):
Like and I took everything personally and it was really
hard to hear how I've hurt you and then I like beat myself up
for hurting you, but then I alsobeat you up for making me feel
bad. Like the shame.
And it just did absolutely nothing except made us talk for
8 hours. You've done the same thing too.
But it's and like that's the human part of it, right?

(30:56):
But it's like when you really care about each other like we
both do, we both also have learned to care about each other
in order to respond better to each other.
But was it helpful to you when you reacted in the negative way
to my sharing? No the hurt.
But your mind thinks it is. Well, no, but was it helpful to

(31:17):
you when I started holding spacefor you even when you're
reacting in a negative way, to understand why you're reacting
that way and not to think you'rea bad person for reacting that
way? You see what I'm saying?
That helps you to now to feel safe enough to actually not
react that way in the future. So when that's what I'm saying
is obviously there's limits to it.
Like you said, you have to have boundaries.

(31:38):
But one of the things that clickfor me also was like, OK, if I'm
sharing something with you that is vulnerable, how I'm hurt and
you're reacting with the beat orrunaway reaction, instead of me
getting more upset about that ifI can, when what clicked for me
was start being like, oh, I get what's happening here.

(31:59):
Like it's OK. It's I understand this response,
Like it's not OK to continue to do it, but I'm not more upset by
this. Like this is a normal response
which? That has helped, but I think
honestly, the thing that helped the most for me was that when
you said something about me, it I had to detach from the fact

(32:20):
that I thought that that meant you didn't want to be with me.
I thought that that meant that if you were telling me that I
hurt you, you didn't want to be with me anymore and that you
were just starting off the conversation with how I hurt
you. And then the end was going to
be, we're not doing this anymore.
Even if it was something minuscule, that's where my head
went. And so I would be like, no, I
got to fight, you know, like I didn't do that or like whatever.

(32:44):
But when I got rid of that whereI was like, he's hurt me and
I've hurt him and we're still together.
This doesn't have to mean when he's hurt, he's not going to
want to be with me. And I think that was the biggest
thing. And I think maybe that's a big
thing for a lot of people. So hopefully also anyone
listening to this, if they feel like they struggle with what I

(33:04):
was talking about, detaching from that, like, you know, your
relationship, I know it would take a lot, a lot.
I don't even know what kind of craziness it would take for you
and I to not be together. Right.
Yeah. And so if I can not like think
of the worst case scenario when you're just coming to me about

(33:26):
something, then it will even more so prevent that from ever,
ever happening, if that makes sense.
If you get caught stealing and the price for stealing is the
death penalty, you're going to lie 100% of the time when they
ask you did you steal? Right, right, right.
That's what's going to happen. If you feel like it's the death
penalty, right, then you're going to lie.
You're going to defend yourself.You're going to pretend.

(33:47):
You know what I'm saying? Like it's the worst thing that
could possibly happen to you. Yeah, you're not.
That's why close to that it. Has to be like, yes, in your
mind you have to be like, OK, it's not the death penalty.
But also your partner also has to be like, look, it's not that
like I'm just I'm letting you know this, but I'm not using
this to beat you up, right? Because if it's like OK.
Fix this. I'm telling you this so we can
fix it, right? Not to punish you or threaten to

(34:10):
leave. You like now you admitted you
did wrong. Now I I changed the way I feel
about you, right? That's the right.
See, that's the thing. That some people's brain brains
do that mental gymnastics minds but.
That's why it's helpful if you're dealing with someone
who's struggling with that, which we all do at times, is to
have a little more patience and to further react because they
probably feel like it's the death penalty and they just got

(34:32):
caught stealing and you just told them they got, I have
videotape evidence of you stealing, right, right.
And so if you understand that, then you have to like back them
off and be like, but it doesn't matter.
Like, I'm not even upset that, like, I'm not even holding it
against you that you did this, that I'm letting you know that
I'm hurt, but I'm only letting you know so that we can resolve

(34:52):
it, not because I want to hold this against you or that if you
admit it, that I'm going to be like, oh, see, you're such a bad
person, right? And then that makes it easier
for them to be like, oh, OK, like let's resolve this thing.
Yeah, no. And I think some people might be
so far in resentment, though, where it might get a little more
messy. And some people might be like,
see you told you or whatever if you've gotten down that road,

(35:13):
right? But once you clean out all the
stuff from under your rug, you can get to the point like we're
talking about where even if something little comes up, you
immediately talk about it. And so you're always got a nice
flat rug. There's never a lump under
there. Exactly, Yeah.
Always flat. And you get understanding the
more that you go through these exercises, even though it might

(35:33):
feel like, oh, I'm not gonna make a big deal of this little
thing and even talk about it. Which I still do that sometimes.
Well, and, and we had kind of aninstance the other night where,
you know, with with our daughter, like there, you know,
you had some feelings about someof the things that were said in
the car and how things. And I was like, just tell me how
it is, right? You know what I mean.
And you told me but. I didn't want also you to be

(35:55):
offended. Like I didn't trust your.
That's where it was really, likecomplicated because I didn't
want you to be offended by my feelings or like my opinions.
Exactly. And so it was like, I was like,
no, I probably shouldn't. Yeah, in the past that would
have caused a big blow up because I would have been
offended by you, like judging myparenting, and you would have

(36:19):
been upset because you can't express how you're feeling
without being attacked. You know, that would have been
the past. But we both, I think, have come
to a point where we both understand each other well
enough that when you're saying that, I know that you're not
criticizing my parenting. It's just you're just expressing
how you feel about things and want to give me your
perspective. And then I'm able to listen to

(36:41):
you without. And now you feel and you're able
to feel safe enough to express those things and handle that.
So we're. We still even do it.
I do it. But we but we handle it but it
but you know, I'm saying like like we.
Can't get that it's a slippery slope and it's like you said,
even that I was like, this isn'ta big deal.
Just my opinion, like he's the one that made the decision.

(37:02):
I don't want to offend him by what he said, but if he knew
this, maybe he would understand my perspective.
But you had enough understandingabout me from our previous
discussions to open up. Like I I knew that something was
bothering you, so I knew to probe for it.
And then you opened up the conversation about what was
bothering you with, I don't wantto come across as I'm

(37:26):
criticizing you or I forget exactly what you said, but you
knew enough about me to open up with that, which made it a lot
easier because. And that only came from us
having these conversations, right?
And so, and then I knew enough about you that I know you don't
mean harm, that you're not trying to judge me that like I
already know it even before you say it, that I could listen to

(37:48):
it and, and, and hear it and we could have a discussion about it
instead of a fight about, about.I guess this is our end segment
in the middle. Yeah, I mean, yeah, but, but,
but I think that that's the key is that like, and it's happened
a lot of times. I mean, I, I recognize that a
lot of times where there'll be something that would have been
the spark of an argument, but it's like, you understand me and

(38:12):
I understand you enough that youimmediately like shift gears or
I'll shift gears because we're, we're both have understanding of
each other's intentions now, whereas before we didn't have an
understanding of each other's intentions.
We assumed the worst, right? But now it's like I forget what
happened. Like just little things happen
and, and we'll like, you'll say something maybe in a way that I

(38:36):
might perceive as rude, but thenI'll know how to approach, how
to say that. And then or, or the you'll even
just back it off and or, you know, like, or, or, or the same
thing. Like I'll say something to to
you and and you'll, you'll respond in a way that that
prevents it from going to, you know, the.
Nuclear, I think that goes back to like even if accidents still

(39:00):
happen and the thing that you'reresentful of still happens, you
can tell if your partner cares or not, like you said, and we've
made little adjustments because we do care about each other and
you can tell that we do because we do try to be the best for
each other. Are we always perfect?
No, obviously not. We still do the same things.
I'm still making mistakes and but I know that you care about

(39:23):
me and if I'm hurt by something because I feel like you don't
care about me, I can talk to youand then we can figure it out.
But I know that you do care about me because of even how our
interactions, like you just said, have changed.
And so that's why people, especially if you have a lot of
resentment, I mean, it's going to be really hard because you're

(39:44):
going to have a lot of stuff to talk about.
It's not impossible, but if you're at, if you're pretty far
down the resentment lane, you got a lot to talk about and you
got to be vulnerable and you gotto talk about it all.
Yeah. It might take you a long time.
Yeah, not in sitting to dig. Not all that.
You got to talk about it all andyou have to figure out, you

(40:04):
know, where this came from. You guys started, like you said,
in the honeymoon phase. Everyone started out where they
really loved each other or they wouldn't have gotten married.
Like if you're married or they wouldn't be together for a long
time, you know what I mean? So you have to figure out where
along the way you guys have goneastray from that.

(40:25):
Because even though, yes, that is like the ideal version and
you don't really know the person100%, maybe you still do.
You still knew them enough to marry them or to be with them
for three years. Like that's, that's a big deal.
So where along the way, what happened?

(40:46):
What feelings have you held ontoand allowed to fester inside of
you that has gotten you away from here?
And then you have to talk about all those things.
And even if they're stupid, likeyou said, you could be like,
this might sound stupid, but when you, you know, drove your
bicycle way ahead of me and leftme behind, I felt like he didn't
care about me, right? And he might be like, I don't

(41:06):
care. I'm just going fast.
Like, he might not really understand.
But if you're vulnerable and you're like, I understand that
maybe you didn't. Maybe you just want to go fast.
I understand that. But it made me feel this way.
It can even be little stupid things like that build up in
your head. Like sometimes it's like you
could be something stupid like, well, when I sat on the couch,
you didn't put your arm around me or something.

(41:28):
And it's like, and then now you're counting it every time
and you're like, oh, look, see it happen again.
Look, it must be an intentional thing.
And it's like, it was just an over, right?
Yeah, you know, but you could have addressed it.
And instead now you've built up this entire narrative, this
story in your head about why this is happening.
And like, look, you're doing it again on purpose.

(41:48):
And it's like, now you've gottenso far into this spot when it
could, you could have just been like, OK, this is a silly thing.
It literally just was in your head, but for your own
insecurity, made you like come up with a story but didn't just
talk about the story. And it's like, this is what how
I felt and then this. Is not like Breton told me
what's happening. Yeah, and it's so funny though,

(42:09):
because it is such a destroyer of relationship because even
like when we were when we were researching for this episode to
like figure out what episode we should do record a podcast on.
We were reading you were readinga Reddit thread and the lady was
talking about their their sex life with her, her that the guy
that she was going to marry, that they've been in a
relationship for a long time andhow he wasn't putting in the

(42:33):
effort like like learning and and and you that whole story
reeked of resentment that had built.
She wasn't even going to marry him right, because like they and
she said their relationship was wonderful, right?
Like perfect relationship, greatguy, all these positive
attributes. She admires him, respects him,
but one little aspect right thatshe and she did try to talk to

(42:56):
him about it, but probably not. She tried to talk to him at the
mechanical issue, but not how itmakes her feel issue.
She didn't go deep enough. That was probably really the
problem because it's true, you know, we didn't get the whole
whole story. It was long enough, but but she
talked about like she told him, gave him videos and techniques
and stuff like that. And it doesn't seem like he's
applying it or or really trying,but that's that's the surface

(43:20):
and that's what most people havediscussions about.
And that's why it doesn't resolve.
The real resentment was coming from what did that, the fact
that he wasn't doing those things.
What did that mean to her? What did it say about how he
values her as a person? Well, she said she didn't feel
desired and something else because, yeah, like you said.
But she probably didn't say those things to him.

(43:42):
Like you said. She probably didn't say, hey,
this makes me feel not desirable, you know, like you're
not really into it or whatever. Because yeah, she seemed like
the intimacy part of their relationship was very not good.
Because I'll have, I'll have coaching clients that will talk
to me about their, their wife ortheir, you know, their

(44:03):
girlfriend or whatever and the things that are.
And I'm like, don't tell me, tell her.
Right. It's like, yeah, I get it and it
makes sense. But this is the problem is, is
that you're not expressing this and why And guys more so well, I
don't know, I feel like because I coach guys, maybe I feel like
that is that guys don't they want to be peacemakers.

(44:25):
So they just want you ask a guy what he wants, he says, I want
peace, right? And it's like you can have
peace, but the price of peace islike the long term death of the
relationship. Like you have to have war
sometimes. In order to have peace, yeah.
When you avoid things that you think are going to take the

(44:46):
peace away, you just make it more chaotic actually.
Because he's like, if I talk about this, if I bring this up
or bring how I feel about this, she's going to react this way
and be upset or whatever, and it's just going to ruin the
night or ruin the. And it's like, yeah, but let it
be ruined, right? But even when you bring, you
don't have to engage in a fight.You can bring up the things that
are humble to you and sometimes look, you bring up something

(45:09):
that's in a vulnerable way the your partner because they feel
attacked, because they hurt you,responds negatively, they run
away or they attack you and thenyou just let it sit.
And then a day later that you really think about it because
you didn't engage back and now justify their actions.
Then they're like, oh, then theystart to feel guilty, then they

(45:30):
apologize. Then they actually are open to
listen because they got to get their initial reaction out
right. And that some, you know, that's
sometimes how it has to go. But if you're just afraid of
that initial reaction and you'relike, Oh, I can't talk to them.
I can't, then you're just going to you're going to build the
resentment because there there'sno other.
There has to be an Ave. and talking to your friends and

(45:51):
stuff. That's also bad, right?
Like you can talk and ask for advice but you have to resolve.
You have to talk about the actual thing.
You can't just talk about the thing to other people and then
be like, oh, I'm better now because you're not.
Yeah, yeah, you've just, you've just, you've taken the the
pressure cooker and you've released some steam from it, but
it's still under pressure. Yeah.

(46:11):
Like that you, you know, like you, it's, it's made it so that
it's not going to explode right now.
But you haven't resolved the thing that there's heat that's
heating up the liquid. Like you got to turn off the
heat at the source. You can't just relieve the
pressure every once in a while. Well, and also, it kind of goes
back to what I said in the beginning, that you shouldn't
even expect much from your partner when you're bringing

(46:33):
things up that bother you. You should just be vulnerable
and that should be enough for you.
Like if you did the right thing,you came to them vulnerably and
you didn't attack them, you didn't treat them poorly, you
weren't like threatening them orwhatever.
You did the right thing and they're not responding well,
Like you said, don't interact with them.
Be like, we can talk about this when you can, you know, talk to

(46:56):
me in a respectful way, right? And that shouldn't cause a
problem because you should know that you did the right thing.
And right now your partner's notable to meet you at the same
place, which you deserve when you're coming from.
If you have the extra willpower to be able to try to bring them
to where you are, you can try. But if you don't, if you feel

(47:17):
like you're going to get sucked in and you're going to yell and
like you said, stoop down to thesame level and then you're
fighting fire with fire, don't engage.
But know that you were vulnerable, right?
You still even empathize with them or was like, you know, I
love you. I'm not trying to hurt you by
telling you this. I'm trying to resolve this.
And they still can't act, right?Then you need to let them have a

(47:39):
moment and have your boundary and be like, we can talk when
you can talk respectfully. I know that you did the right
thing like you have to have. That's why it still has to come
from you being confident in yourself.
And if you have a lot of resentment, that's going to be
really hard, right? Like if you're really far down
the line, it's going to be really hard to be vulnerable and

(47:59):
not yell and not be like it's all your fault and all the
things that are just going to get you into an actual attack.
Well, and it and it's how you present it, right?
Because also the big thing to understand is that no one ever
hurts you. You are only capable of hurting
yourself. You're responsible for your own
feelings. And so it doesn't mean that
people can't do things that are not good or that are not

(48:21):
considerate. But when you present it, if you
take ownership of your own feelings and realize that you
hurt yourself, whatever they didyour, your interpretation of it
is what hurt you, not what they did your interpretation.
And that might sound ridiculous,but it means that when you come
to them, you don't say you did this to me and you hurt me.

(48:42):
You don't even say you hurt me. You say, when you did this, I
felt like this and that hurt, which is different.
It doesn't make them the enemy and it takes it makes you
responsible for your own feelings.
You can say like, you know, because it's a different because
they might feel like their actions should they would not
have interpreted that in a way that caused them to be hurt,

(49:04):
right, Because if you've ever been in the situation, well, if
I did this to you, would what would you think?
And they're like, I would be OK with that.
And then now you're like the. You know that's also not true as
well when people say that. Yeah, some of it's not true, but
but if you if it's, but that's disputable, right, Whether this
action causes hurt and they can argue that case.

(49:27):
But if you say this happened andI felt hurt like this is this is
what happened. Yeah, I felt like when this
happened and that hurt. And yeah, and you can't, you
can't argue that. You can't say no, you didn't,
no, that's like, this is what happened.
And this, and you own your, yourreaction to it.

(49:48):
It's it feels like a, it seems like a subtle difference, but
it's a huge difference in, in the because now you're not
accusing the other person. Because also what happens is
that most of the time we don't intentionally hurt someone,
right? But when we tell someone you
hurt me, it sounds like intentional.
Yeah, right. But if we if we think, OK,
they're not intentionally hurting me, then we say, OK,

(50:10):
well, you did this or you said this thing and then I felt this
way and that hurt me. Now it doesn't seem intentional.
Now it seems like this is like. Their interpretation and.
Exactly. So that, I think that's a big
important part of it because when you just unload on someone,
they're, unless they're a St., you know, unless they're a
Buddhist monk, they're going to probably have a reaction to that

(50:32):
and feel attacked by you. Yeah.
But everybody should be working on trying to get to a place
though where they can respond not reactive.
And it is possible because I wasvery reactive and now sometimes
even I'm surprised how unreactive I can be in
situations that even boil some of the reactivity in me.

(50:54):
And I still don't let that spillout.
But that is also things that people can work on as well too.
And it is important be and both people should work on it.
You can't control your partner, but you can also lead by
example. And I will tell you, you will
have a way more peaceful life ifyou can both learn to be not as
reactive and use the things thatwe're telling you because we've

(51:15):
not used them. And we've been there and talked
for 8 hours and still sometimes felt like we haven't actually
figured finished the problem. And then where we're at now,
knock on wood, is totally different.
And and that, and that can help you to be non reactive too, is
to take that perspective when someone is telling you how
you've hurt them is to know thatthey've actually hurt

(51:38):
themselves. And they're they're like,
because then you can you can realize it's not, it's not
actually you, it's something within that because they might
have different triggers or different traumas in their past
and something that's totally innocent on your part might
cause that reaction. And so don't take the

(51:58):
responsibility of thinking that you've hurt them.
Like, yeah, yeah, I mean, take responsibility for your actions.
But if they're telling you that you've hurt them, it might be be
just internal to them and you should just empathize with it.
Yeah. It's it doesn't mean that you're
taking responsibility, that you,you did something bad, right,
You know? But you should care about your
of course you care that your partner's hurt and try to focus

(52:18):
on that. Rather than focus on you being
the one that hurt them, focus onthat they're hurt and not
wanting them to be hurt because you care about them and you love
them and you want to have a happy, peaceful life.
So we're going to work through whatever's going on, you're hurt
until you feel better so we can get back to the peaceful state
that we were in before. Now, there's one other thing I

(52:40):
want to talk about on this. Is it the same one that I'm?
I think so, probably, which is the idea of like how fixing a
relationship can result in resentment.
That is well, I was going to saythat maybe you haven't felt
resentment, but then all of a sudden a shift happens in your
relationship and you now you do feel resentment.

(53:02):
So a lot of times what happens too is that you're in a fighting
phase and the two of you are just attacking each other or
you're having a lot of difficulties, whatever.
And then when things quiet down because you're actually starting
to resolve issues, then one person or both now feels a

(53:25):
massive amount of resentment when things should be getting
better because now you're actually talking about or
actually even when the person changes.
So let's say that someone is engaging in, in, in harmful
behavior. They're, they're they're doing
something really harmful to the part to your, to the other
partner and, and, and that partner is trying to get them to

(53:48):
understand and trying to get them to, to change.
And then they actually do start to change.
They actually do start to heal. They actually stop doing that,
that harmful behavior. Now that other partner is even
more upset at them and because they're, because now the
resentment really starts to comeout because what the reason why
that happens is because when you're being hurt, our natural

(54:13):
reaction is to seek a validation.
So if someone is is emotionally or physically abusing us, we
just want it to stop. So all of our energy is put into
like trying to be better or to try to get them to stop.
And then we're kind of burying the hurt because we're ignoring
that because the more immediate need is to put out the fire and

(54:35):
to get them to stop behaving this way to stop the the new
infliction of damage. So when they actually stop doing
it, we're no longer in that flight or fight mode.
And now we're sitting with the actual hurt that we've been
ignoring for such a long time. All that toll of the damage and
then now we have to deal with it.
And a lot of times that now we've got this built up
resentment because our we were letting our needs go unmet for

(54:58):
such a long time because we're trying to tend to their needs,
are trying to stop ourselves from being abused, that now
we're we have to sit with what actually.
And now all this is coming up for us and we're, we're trying
to deal with all that stuff like.
That now you can actually process your feelings about it
because before you couldn't, because you're focused on other
things. Exactly, exactly.

(55:19):
So that's a big. Sounds like, though, that you
got to talk about that stuff, right?
Like, even though you're talkingand resolving some things,
there's still more to be talked about.
Well, and then what happens is Ithink also in that case, the
person that is now, that was being the, you know, subjected
to the harm, and now the other person stopped harming them.

(55:41):
They're holding on to this hurt and they're afraid to bring it
up. Why?
To cause more problems to get back in that fighting.
Because they finally stopped, they, that person finally
stopped sticking them with the stick.
And now if they're like, hey, when you stuck me with the stick
50 times, you know, that kind ofhurt.
You know, they're like, oh, wellthen they're going to start
sticking me with the stick again.

(56:01):
And So what happens is they're trying to avoid conflict.
They don't want to get back intothat situation.
So then they build up resentmentand then the relationship drops
off from the other end when you thought it was going to drop off
from the one end, right? If that makes sense.
No, it does, but you do still have to talk it out even if
you're afraid for all that to happen again.

(56:23):
And if that does happen again and it's at a point where you
know it's unacceptable, then that's a choice that you have to
make. Cuz that's different.
Abuse is different, you know, orwhatever it like if it's to that
extreme, then you know what's the best decision for you to
make cuz you're in that situation.
But in order to fully resolve it, the all the resentment has

(56:44):
to be gone. And to like, I get it that when
you don't feel like you had timeto process your own emotions,
that now that things have calmeddown, you're doing that.
But like you said, I think also,though, the more you hold on to
that hurt, like I'm not saying don't talk about it.
It definitely needs to be talkedabout.

(57:05):
It definitely needs to be, you know, aired out and the person
needs to be vulnerable about it in order for it to feel like
actually resolved, right? But there is also a part of it
where you have to stop identifying with your pain as
well too in order for you to move forward.
Otherwise, you're the victim like you're.
Well, what relationship has a partner that has never hurt the

(57:31):
other partner? None.
None. So like, if you're constantly
keeping score, right, that's just going to harm your
relationship. That's another form of
resentment, honestly. Right, exactly.
And no matter what it is, if youstill want to be with that
person, you have to let it go. Like you can't live there
anymore. You can't, you know, live in the

(57:51):
past. And because that resentment will
come back Because even if you'vetalked it all out, but you're
constantly stewing on what happened that you talked out and
you felt good about, now you feel bad again because you're
ruminating on it. And now you might start causing
problems that actually you didn't even need to start.

(58:12):
So it's like you're at some point you can cause your own
resentment from how far you can go down the rabbit hole in your
own mind. And so again, you kind of have
to subjectively look at it and be like, do I have this
resentment because it's still happening and I haven't talked
about it. And whatever then you need to
talk about it. You need to, whatever you need

(58:34):
to do, like we talked about in this whole episode.
But if you're feeling resentmentand you've already talked about
it and you did feel like it resolved, but now you're feeling
resentment again and you feel like you need to rehash it out,
you need to ask yourself, am I hurting my own feelings again?
I mean, it all comes down to that, but am I hurting my own
feelings, right? Or did I really not get it out

(58:55):
the first time? And maybe we do need to have
another conversation. And forgiveness am I actually?
Forgiveness, Yeah. You know forgiving, right?
Because if you never forgive, you can hash it out.
You could tell them 50 times that it's not going to make any
bit of a difference until you actually really let it go,
right? And, and remember, forgiveness
is very hard. The real definition of
forgiveness is very hard. It means to, to, to erase it

(59:20):
from memory. It means like forgive and
forget. It means it never happened.
It means it never counted as if it ever happened.
That's what true forgiveness is,is like, it's, it's like it
never happened. That's what real forgiveness is.
And so if you're not at that point, you need to get there.
And, and that also kind of dovetails into the other one
other piece of this, which is that like is the difference

(59:41):
between grace and resentment, right?
And it's like if your partner does something that you feel
hurt by you, you might not reactto that or even address it.
And that can be burying it. I guess maybe it's like burying
or, or grace. And so if you, if you are like,

(01:00:03):
oh, I'm going to let it go, I'm not going to make a big deal of
it. It can come from one of two
things. It could be either because.
You're being very graceful to your partner.
Like I'm really not going to make it be.
Who cares? It's not a big deal.
Yeah, or it could be. I'm not going to make a big deal
of it because I I'm going to push it under their rug.
I'm going to not. I don't want to get into a

(01:00:24):
fight, but it really does it. So it's either like you're fully
letting it go, which is the immediate forgiveness, but
that's what. Grace would actually be in this
situation being like oh this bothered me, but I know he
wouldn't do that. And then giving Grace then and
letting go, knowing who the person is because I don't think
someones gonna have something come up.

(01:00:44):
Like let's say it's the toilet seat, 'cause we've been talking
about that, right? And her initially be like he
doesn't care about me and just be like, I forgive him.
I think she'll be like he doesn't care about me.
But that's not true. He does this, this and this for
me. So you know what?
He does care about me, and I know that.
So I'm not going to say anythingabout the toilet seat because
exactly that's great, because I know that he does these other

(01:01:06):
things that proves to me that hecares about me.
And so I'm probably viewing thisin a different way than it
actually is. Grace is when you can truly let
it go. Right, if that would be truly
letting go if you convinced yourself.
Because you don't have to talk about every single issue every
time something bothers you, right?
Because some of them you can truly let go.
But you, you can't kid yourself on it if you can't truly let it

(01:01:27):
go. No matter you're burying it
under the rug, right, Then you just need to talk about it.
It's so that you can truly let it go, right?
It's because the ultimate like thing we're trying to do is to
truly let things go because because all that resentment is
is not truly letting things go. And so you sometimes you can
truly let things go because you just you, you just let it go.

(01:01:50):
Like you, you don't need to talkabout it.
You just, oh, it's not that big of AI.
I'm processing this. OK.
This is a silly thing I came up with in my head.
There's so much more evidence that she loves me and treats me
well. And I'm actually going to let it
go. I won't ever need to think about
this again. Or you're you're you're kidding
yourself and you're pretending like, oh, yeah, I'm.

(01:02:12):
That's not that big of a deal. You're really, it's not, but it
really is a big deal. Yeah.
So. Well, and it's from someone who
never used to let anything go. It's a lot more lighter of a
life that you live when you learn to let things go.
You feel a lot happier. When you don't let things go.
You think, oh, if I let this go,then this person's going to do

(01:02:33):
this to me again. Or, you know, then I don't feel
validated for my feelings when this happened.
But it honestly is better to letit go than to hold on to it and
allow it to harm you for the rest of your life, honestly,

(01:02:53):
because that's what it is essentially doing.
Because now you have it there tobring up and hurt your own
feelings all the time. When if you let it go because
you're confident in the choice that you made, let's say your
partner hurt your feelings and you can't let it go.
You're just hurting yourself andyour relationship by holding on
to that. But if you trust your partner,

(01:03:16):
then you want to still be with them.
You got to let it go. And if it happens again and it's
big enough of a deal, then it's a deal breaker and you deal with
that then. But if you chose to let it go
and move forward, you're trusting that that's not going
to happen. So it's like you got you have to
like live in the now. I'm reading the power of now,
but it is true. And this is coming from someone

(01:03:38):
who did the all the opposite of the things I'm saying now, but
that I do the things that I'm talking about now.
For the most part I'm still human, but I did used to hold
onto a bunch of stuff and my life in general felt heavier
because I had all this shit thatI was like, still had in my
arsenal so that I could justify being upset about.
Room of pain that you're just like bouncing against the wall,

(01:03:58):
the spiked walls. So I could justify the way that
I was behaving or I was acting or like, I'm angry because I
have this, this and this, you know?
And a lot of people live that way.
But it just hurts you everyday. You feel the hurt again.
You don't. Think that it's hurting you?
You think that it's good becauseyou can use it to validate your
anger, whatever you have. But I'm telling you that letting

(01:04:19):
it go and living from a place ofpeace and happiness and like,
yeah, you're going to get angry sometimes, but when you don't
allow your emotions to dictate how you act towards people, it's
so much more freeing. It's so much more peaceful.
So I'm telling you as someone who's been on both sides, let

(01:04:39):
the shit go. Talk about the stupid stuff.
Yeah. Because you feel so much better
because you're not carrying anything.
It's like carrying a bunch of, like, bricks in your backpack.
Exactly. That's what you're doing when
you don't let it go. And then when you let it go, you
take the bricks out. Right.
And it feels great. Exactly.
So yeah, resentment number one way to kill your relationship.

(01:05:01):
That's. It all right well that's.
Good. That's literally it.
That's it. And I don't think, yeah, we
don't have anything. I mean, we already talked about.
But yeah, that was like, but it was the thing.
I can't think of anything else. Yeah, right.
We've been through some fire andwe came out unscathed, like.
Yeah, relationship. But I mean, I guess we're, you

(01:05:22):
know, we're, we practice what wepreach.
So that's why we're here, doing what we do.
Yeah, but yeah, but it's a testament because like, you
know, every time we say this though, then we have but and we
knock on wood, but but it's always a bigger gap in between,
right? It's like, I mean, again, I'm
jinxing us, but I think we've gotten months without having an

(01:05:43):
argument really like. I mean, I knocked on wood
because we are human. Yeah, and.
Yeah, and I'm sure something will come up at some point, but.
And I'm a little stitious the. Gaps become bigger and bigger,
right? Because.
Learning and we're applying it because we care about each
other. That's what we're saying.
And there's no resentment that'sbuilt up, right?
Because also resentment is also like kindling and it makes the

(01:06:05):
fire a lot easier to and, you know, because you just.
Yeah, exactly. And so when you don't have that,
then it takes a little more, youknow, you got a lot more
tolerance right in there, but you're on a short fuse when you
got a pile of resentment. Under the sometimes a very short
fuse, if you got a lot of resentment, someone just
breathes and you're like, why are you doing that?
It's like some people act that way because their fuse is so

(01:06:26):
short. They have so much stuff.
But it's also why too, like it'snot a good way to to be.
It's not a good way to have a relationship.
But there are some couples that yell and yell at each other all
the time and they stay together forever because it's not a good
way to. They're both doing bad things
and so then they feel like they're on the same.
Well, they're, they're also resolving all the thing.

(01:06:47):
They're not burying anything under the rug.
It's like immediately they're reacting to the other person and
calling them a name or are yelling at them back.
And so it's like they're just letting it all out all the time.
Yeah, they're it's not a good way to do things, but it just
shows like it's like, how can couples fight all the time and
be together? But then it's like the quiet
couple that, like, falls apart and hates each other.

(01:07:09):
Yeah, it's because they are secretly building the
resentment. So you shouldn't be the fighting
all the time and screaming at each other, right?
But there's a way to just. Talk about your stuff.
Exactly. All right.
Well, that's it for this episode.
Yeah. Check out our website.
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(01:07:30):
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