Timing vs Avoidance: When to Date, When to Wait [Ep 102]

We answer Maria’s big question: Should you delay dating to work on yourself, or date to grow? We break down timing for men vs women, how to avoid “healing as avoidance,” what real standards look like, and how to prepare yourself so the right person actually shows up.

What you’ll learn

• The difference between healing and hiding

• Why timing looks different for men and women—and what to do about it

• Standards vs expectations (and the one standard that stops toxic loops)

• How to spot avoidance disguised as self-work

• The “bus stop” model: making timing meet preparation

• Why most growth happens in relationship—and how not to sabotage it

Chapters
00:00 Cold open: “Am I too picky—or just not settling?”
01:03 Welcome back + life updates (UPW, Vegas, Ren Fair)
03:18 Maria’s email: timing, self-work, and not settling
06:20 Jumping into relationships vs waiting—what actually works
10:05 Men’s path: build capability, leadership, stability
14:10 Women’s path: discernment, standards, environment
17:32 Healing vs avoidance: the tell-tale signs
21:05 Standards that prevent toxicity (and how to enforce them)
26:00 “Don’t date someone you won’t marry”—with nuance
29:40 Growing together: why most growth is messy (and worth it)
33:45 The “bus stop” analogy: creating your own timing
37:10 Action steps + books that help (Queen’s Code, etc.)
40:05 Q&A wrap + how to send your questions

Send your question
Email: [e-mail]
Site: BetterThanPerfectPod.com

Support the show
Like, comment your takeaway, and share this with someone who’s “waiting for the right time.”

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I was sort of in a place at one point where I was like, am I
being too picky Is the ultimate thing, being somewhat happy?
I didn't genuinely believe that and I'm glad that I didn't
settle for other things and missout on you.
I don't think it's necessarily magical.
I think it can be, but I don't think it has to be.
What I mean by that is that if you have the right tools, you

(00:23):
can build a better than perfect relationship beyond.
The perfect we discovered through our floor.
All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast,

(00:43):
where every week we share with you how 2 imperfect people
helping each other grow equals 1better than perfect
relationship. That's right.
Yeah. So what?
What's happened? It's been a while, I think,
since we've recorded. A.
Not for everyone else. Not for everyone else, for, you
know, because we. Yeah, we went to Tony Robbins.
Yeah, yeah. Which was maybe we should do a

(01:05):
whole episode on that. Oh.
Yeah, we could do. Have to like, regroup on that,
yeah. Then we went to Vegas.
Yeah, it was your birthday. Yeah, Happy birthday.
I'm older now, so the When We Were Young concert so.
Yeah, that's what we always havebeen doing for a while.
Yeah, and you didn't walk on Kohl's though, you know.

(01:25):
No, not at Tony Robbins, I did not.
I'm OK with that. Next time, next time, I'm OK
with that. Next time my feet did not get
burned, yours did. Just a little bit.
Just a little bit. You were still like, ow, there's
something going on at the bottomof my feet.
I'm like, yeah, you probably gotburned.
Well, let's I guess what we're going to do today is read an
e-mail you. Went to the RIN fair too.

(01:47):
Oh yeah, I mean, I went to the RIN.
Fair first. My first RIN fair was
interesting. I would go back.
What did you think of the I? Mean, I like an excuse to dress
up, so I thought it was fun. I'd go again.
OK. I want to see some of the
jousting and stuff at a better angle next time.
We did get to watch people beat each other up though.

(02:10):
That's true, yeah. Like the like a fake.
Yeah, like AWWE Renaissance style, yeah, which was
interesting, but no, it was cool.
John just wants to get straight to it.
So yeah. Well.
I mean, we finally have an e-mail to answer, you know.
Yes, we do let. Me.

(02:30):
See. So we got an e-mail from Maria.
She says hello, John and Nicole,I hope you're doing well.
Thank you for your work you do on the podcast.
I wanted to ask you if you'd ever done an episode
specifically focused on timing in relationships.
I noticed people falling into two very different extremes.
On one side are those who jump into relationships without the

(02:52):
emotional maturity or self-awareness required for
something healthy, which can lead to low quality partnerships
in a lot of hurt. On the opposite side, there are
people like me. I have never been in a
relationship. I'm 22 years old partly because
I have prioritized healing and building emotional maturity and
improving my sense of self worthbefore dating.
I also I have always believed that the partner we choose

(03:14):
reflects how we see ourselves, so taking time to grow first
felt like the smart and intentional choice.
Although I know that couples cangrow and develop together, it
also seems logical that if you become a stronger, healthier
person first, you're more likelyto attract a strong and healthy
partner. I find myself curious about
whether delaying dating to focuson self development can be a

(03:36):
wise investment that prevents settling for less than what is
truly good. I would love to hear your
thoughts on this balance. Does the right timing look
different from men and women? How do we know when working on
ourselves becomes avoidance rather than growth?
If you've already covered this topic, I'd be grateful for a

(03:57):
pointer on the episode. If not, I think you can make a
fascinating discussion. Thank you again for your
inspiring and thoughtful content.
I look forward to hearing more. So it's a lot of good stuff in
there. So yeah, I'm trying to see what
so that. So the big question is about
whether or not what was it delaying dating?

(04:18):
The focus on self development can be wise investment.
What's the balance look like? Does the right timing look
different for men and women? How do we know when working
ourselves becomes avoidance rather than growth?
Yeah, but what's your initial thoughts on that topic?
I think that it's not one way orthe other.

(04:39):
OK, I get what she's saying. Like there's some people that
just go from relationship to relationship and then there's
some people who are like, no, I'm going to heal myself before.
And I think that like she even kind of mentioned there's issues

(05:00):
with both things. Like I feel like jumping from
one person to another. You can obviously tell where the
like issue is in that, but even with focusing on yourself
improvement, where she talked about how you know is that a
point where it come becomes avoidance rather than like
working on yourself. And then what we have come to

(05:21):
know as well is that there's only so much you can work on
yourself before you kind of hit a point where you need a partner
to mirror back things to you that you're not going to get on
your own. So, and again, that doesn't mean
just go get a partner to do that, but and maybe that's what
she means about the avoidance thing, like avoiding facing

(05:43):
those things, those deeper underlying things, or using it
as an excuse to just be in your,you know, alone time.
So I think it's a lot more complicated than it seems if you
want me to go like full blown into it.
I would think maybe we should dissect each thing that shocked

(06:06):
about like the jumping into relationships versus the person
that's waiting. Because there's also a good part
to what she said about like you're more likely to attract
that sort of partner. But I also didn't like that she
said your partner reflects yourself because a majority of
the time that's true. When you found the person you're

(06:28):
compatible with and you want to marry or something like that, I
think that is true. But I think that people who are
really working on themselves andhave certain mindsets or things
like that can also find themselves in relationships with
people that are not like them. And I don't think that
necessarily reflects who they are, but maybe it reflects more

(06:51):
of like they need to be in that situation to learn something.
And I think that for me comes from a more like divine timing,
Like you're supposed to be here for this reason sort of thing.
And my overall thing, we, I actually had a conversation a
little bit with our daughter in the car last week about this,
'cause, you know, she's at that age where she's, you know, in

(07:14):
high school and, you know, thinking about that kind of
stuff. And basically what I told her is
a little different because she'syoung.
But I was like, you know, you don't have to wait around to
date somebody until you find someone that you want to marry.
You know what I mean? Like, you should be serious

(07:36):
about them. Like, I'm not saying that you
shouldn't like them enough or think you're compatible or have
these things in common or whatever your criteria is in
order to date them. I'm not saying that like you
shouldn't have those things. But I think if you put so much
pressure on like, the next person I date is the one I'm
going to marry, like in some ways that's a good thing.

(07:57):
But in some ways you might have kind of disqualified that person
because you didn't even give them a chance to, like, figure
that out. So with her, obviously I didn't
want her to stress about like, Ididn't find the person I want to
marry in high school because like, that does happen to some
people, but it doesn't happen for a lot of people.

(08:19):
And so I don't want her to be like, I can't date this person
unless I want to spend the rest of my life with them because
that's hard to even imagine at her age.
So I think though, that the people that we date along the
way also teach us a lot of things and show us what we want

(08:40):
in relationships, what we don't want in relationships.
And so in that sense, I don't think that you should wait
around for this like absolute perfect person that like that
person has to fit in that box perfectly, right?
Because I think you'll find thatperson if you go out there and

(09:00):
actually experience dating and actually experience interacting
with other people. And again, figuring out what you
like and dislike or like what things you're most compatible
with in another person. But I also don't think you
should jump from relationship torelationship either.
I think there is some time that you need in between to reflect

(09:25):
on the things that you've learned in a relationship and
when you jump straight into something else, a lot of times
you don't have that time and that can cause problems in your
future relationship. I'm not saying that there's not
people that have success going from one relationship to the
other, but most of the time it'sprobably not going to work out
because you haven't processed that first relationship and

(09:49):
figured out the things that you've learned from it, and then
now you're already in a new one that's different than the other
one. Yeah.
It's kind of like a quick version of the things, but.
I would, I would say that, I mean, you got to first start off
with the differences between menand women.
So I think the answer is a little bit different, right.

(10:10):
So in terms of, and we talked about this before in the
podcast, as a man, you need to spend your time in personal
development before getting into a relationship, right?
So I've always told the guys that I coached that you really
shouldn't even get into a monogamous relationship until
you're in your 30s or maybe 40s,right?

(10:32):
Don't don't even really you know, you can date, get some,
you know, experience, but but you should be spending your 20s
hustling, going to the gym, making money, building a
business, reading books, grounding yourself as a man,
like becoming more masculine, like developing yourself because
you're going to need to lead a relationship and so.

(10:55):
I think I agree with that because I think men need a
little bit more like focus on that sort of thing when they're
younger because I feel like women we mature or like earlier
and sooner. And so a woman might be ready to
get married younger because she's in a more mature

(11:16):
headspace. I'm not saying that she's
totally ready. There's things that she needs to
work on, I'm sure to go from, you know, adolescence to being a
young adult. But I feel like we are more
likely to be open to that and ready for that.
And men need, you know, to kind of work through those more boy

(11:37):
like qualities, like being really quick to anger and like,
you know, maybe not handling things as well or not being as
responsible or whatever. Those things that are like kind
of a more boy mentality. And so I feel like a lot of
women end up dating boys, you know, And so that makes a lot of

(11:58):
sense that men should and boys should focus on, you know,
working on those things to be ready to be a husband and a
father. Because I think that takes more
work on a man's side than like awoman doesn't really need to
work to be ready to like be a wife and have a family.
Like, she might probably be ready to like, go to college and

(12:22):
like, start a career, but if theright man came along too, maybe
she would just be ready to, you know, go straight into being a
wife and a mother. It depends on the person.
But I'm just saying that I thinkthere is, like you said, a
disconnect where men need more of that time to focus on not
being in that kind of, like, boymentality.

(12:44):
Right? Yeah.
We all know how teenage boys are, you know, like the
ridiculous jokes and, like, you know, they're not taking life
very seriously. And so if you're a woman that's
kind of still dating a guy in a boy mentality, you don't feel
like he's ready to be in a serious relationship.
You don't feel like he's ready to be in these roles that are,
like, very serious. So I agree with you that I think

(13:05):
it is different in that aspect and the other ones as well too,
like, you know, establishing himself, you know, and taking
the time. And he has to be able to lead
the relationship, right? So that's why he has to have
done the groundwork to make himself mature enough to be able
to lead, which also is also the reason why, yes, women mature

(13:28):
faster typically than than men do.
But also the, if the man is leading the relationship, then
the woman is going to be learning a lot from the man.
And so he's going to be guiding and hopefully helping her with
her personal development by his,his leadership.
And so that's why. It's not, and he needs to gain

(13:50):
that experience. Well, yeah, yeah.
Because it's it and the relationship really doesn't work
if the woman doesn't look up to the man.
It's it's really difficult because a man needs to have
respect. He's not going to have respect
if he's not respectable, which means that he needs to be in.
A woman needs to look at the manin the relationship as wiser as

(14:11):
someone to learn from, as someone who she can see as an
authority in their relationship,which means that she has to feel
he's more competent than she is.And if that's not the case, you
know, then she's not going to respect him and there's going to
be a battle for power, right? And so it's like, I, I think a
woman still should do some degree of personal development,

(14:31):
obviously. But where that really comes down
to is on the woman's side is, you know, a guy can go out and,
and, and find a woman and date awoman.
And if he's a good man and a leader, he's going to sort of
shape who she becomes to a degree, right?
Like, like she's going to be more right.

(14:51):
Whereas a woman needs to have more discernment in picking a
man because she doesn't have as much influence or control over
him. And she doesn't want to, right?
She doesn't want to lead the man.
So she needs to be more focused on waiting to find the right
guy, You know what I mean? And and so it's like the guy
should be focused on building himself so he can become the

(15:12):
right guy. The one should be focused on on
on discerning, becoming discerning enough to be able to
determine who is the right guy. So that might mean dating guys
and realizing who's not the right guy.
You know what I mean to to understand, because how do you
know who you can follow until you have some experience to see
you know what, what kind of man you know that that you're you're

(15:33):
looking for? But but that's where I think,
you know, we talked about this before, is that young women,
what should they be doing in that time?
Not going out to clubs and partying and drinking and doing
all kinds of hood rat type of stuff.
That's not going to help you in finding a right guy.
You know what I mean? It can be personal development,
like working on yourself from a spiritual perspective, emotional

(15:56):
perspective, like watching a good podcast that tells you how
to, you know, prepare for havinga traditional relationship where
you're going to be able to, you know, understand what you should
be in that relationship, you know, and, and, and how, how do
you even find what the right guyis?
Those are the things that I think a woman should be, would

(16:18):
be focused on. But but as far as like, you
know, using that as avoidance, like just kind of working on
yourself, I don't think it's, I don't think it's a matter of of
something where you're like, OK,well, I need to work on myself
to a degree before I'm I'm in your relationship, I think.
Some people say, though, sometimes they say like, oh, I

(16:40):
want to be, you know, healed, maybe not even fully, but I want
to work through this before I get into a relationship, which
in some ways I can see. But some of those I don't think
that that's completely necessarybecause I think a lot of times
the most transformative healing comes from with someone that is

(17:03):
there to support you in it and kind of give you the hard truth
in a loving way, you know? So I don't think people have to
be completely healed, but some people do.
And again, is that, is that an excuse that they're using to
kind of like avoid putting themselves out there or what is
it really? Well, what's the traits?

(17:24):
I mean, you got to look at like what are the traits that a woman
who didn't fix those to or work on herself would cause her to
sabotage a relationship that would have been a good
relationship. Those are the things that have
to be fixed, right? So that could be things like
being very insecure to the pointof, of constantly seeking male

(17:46):
attention. Because if you're a woman who
hasn't built enough self worth that you're not constantly
seeking male attention when you get into a relationship with a
man, what are you going to do? Continue to seek male attention,
which is going to destroy the relationship?
Because any respectable man is not going to have a woman that
is constantly seeking validationfrom other men or like putting

(18:06):
herself out there posting photosof herself on Instagram and and
stuff like that where she's trying to attract that
attention. She's going to mess herself up.
So in that case, those things you know different traits can be
worked on because you're not ready for a relationship if if
you haven't dealt with that level of of self worth.

(18:27):
Right, like needing the validation and I wanted to say
to to what you said about a woman has to look up to and
respect a man. The opposite of that is that she
views him as a a kid, a son, another child in the
relationship. It's one or the other.
It's normally not in between. Normally, she either respects

(18:51):
her partner or she views him as another child to have to take
care of. Right, right.
Yeah. And so if you're a woman
listening to this and the guy you're with like you're like,
oh, he feels kind of like havinganother kid or something, that's
usually not the best sign because can you get out of that?
Probably so. But it's going to be pretty hard

(19:14):
because you have to like figure out a way to not view him in
that way anymore. And that also takes him having
to kind of step up and learn howto be a leader if he hasn't
already. And then, you know, then you
have to learn a whole new normal.
You know, you went from being like viewing him as a kid that

(19:37):
you have to take care of. You have to now switch over to
being like he's taking care of you and you trust him.
And that can happen. But it's just it's harder
because now you're also to having to rely on him stepping
up and doing the thing that he needs to do.
And it's really hard to you can influence him maybe in some sort
of ways. And maybe you have those ways

(19:57):
that a man can be influenced into, you know, taking
initiative like what a woman could do to influence him.
But. We can't control people either,
so. Well, it's hard too, because I
think that it's you're, you're trying to go fight an an uphill
battle because like a lot of my coaching clients, when they tell

(20:19):
me that the the woman they're with has is screaming at them or
cursing, it's like, OK, it's done.
Like you're done there. You that level of respect that
you've lost, it's not coming back.
You don't think so? It's, it's hard, very hard
because once you've allowed thatas a man in a relationship, if

(20:43):
you've allowed that behavior to happen, then it's, it's sort of
like a line that you can't it, it's very hard.
Once that lines crossed, it's easy to cross that line again.
And so you've, you've just lost so much respect in that case
that it's very hard to get to, to turn it completely around,

(21:03):
you know? So, so that's why it's more
important that that that man already have established himself
and, and understand those dynamics because.
Yeah, which I think is why it's good that you said what you
said, that men, I think, need a little bit more time before they
start seriously dating to work on those things because you as a

(21:24):
man need to come to the first date like that man.
Like it's a lot harder if you show up as an immature boy and
then you turn into a man. Like the woman kind of has to
trust that you're going to get there.
And some guys don't get there. So it's a lot more risky as a
man to not work on yourself in those ways and try to date.
You have to get lucky that a woman's going to want to be with

(21:45):
you in the boys, state that you're in and trust that you're
going to eventually get to a man.
And then if you don't, then she might leave because you know,
women do want that sort of like,but I know what I'm doing
quality in a man. So if you cut out dating though,

(22:07):
while you're in that boys stage and really focus on becoming a
man, and it might not even take that long.
If you're really serious about it and serious about improving
yourself, it might not take as long as you think it does, but
you have to get to that version of yourself.
That is a man. That is someone that people
would want to follow their lead and trust.

(22:29):
And not in a controlling way, but a coming from a love way and
that you want the best for the person that you want to spend
the rest of your life with and things like that.
Then you have much better chances dating wise than if you
go in as a boy and then hope that a woman sees the man in you
and decides to wait around for that guy to show up.

(22:52):
But that's what I'm saying is like, it's hard to like that.
That perception is not going to change very easily, right?
So it's like, don't you come into, it's just like if I got on
a sales call and I'm acting verytimid on the sales call, I'm
like, oh, you know, and then towards the end of the sale
call. You want to buy.
Yeah, they're, they're like, it's incongruent.
It's hard. The the perception that's

(23:14):
already been established of me not being an authority, not
being confident, is very, very hard to overcome, right?
It takes a lot more. Yeah, you would need a lot of
consistency. But I'd say for women, though,
to, you know, as far as preparation books, you know, the
the Queen's code reading or thatthat book probably the whole

(23:36):
series from Allison Armstrong, right.
And and then the the surrenderedwife or the the empowered,
empowered wife, either one of those just to prepare yourself
to, to know because that's goingto put you ahead.
You know, because we live in a world that's a very kind of
feminist type of world that is very woke and doesn't really

(23:58):
subscribe to the traditional relationship roles that.
But I think people are kind of leaning more towards that way
than they used to. I mean, we watch Love Is Blind,
which we've forgotten our beginning part, but we watch
Love is Blind and some of the girls on there were saying they
wanted more traditional style. The one girl, Allie, said that

(24:20):
that's what she was expecting, you know, in a relationship.
So I think that people are becoming more curious to it,
yeah, than they were before. But there's a lot of learning to
understand how that you know, and a lot of you can't have your
cake and eat it too, right? So it's which that's.
The biggest problem I feel like.Yeah, we've talked about it's

(24:41):
like, because you even hear a lot more, they're also like, oh,
I want a man that's chivalrous. I want, I want him to pay for
the dates and stuff. But I still want to be a strong
independent woman. And you can't, you can't have
both of those things at the sametime.
Like you have to be if you want that, you have to be willing to
be submissive and the man has tobe dominant.

(25:03):
Like it's not a bad thing. It's a good thing when there's a
trust in their relationship and that's how the dynamics are
functioning. But a lot of a lot of people
want to have it both ways. They want to have both of the
things. Yeah, I feel like it's just
triggering to women. The the word is triggering,
obviously, to women. And but the thing that I think

(25:24):
women don't realize when they get triggered, Yeah.
Is that back then when women were submissive and the version
that a lot of women today don't want to be, right, Women did
choose their husband, but not really.
Today, it's like you're choosingthe man that you're going to
submit to. So you're not submitting just to

(25:45):
any man. You will want to submit to a man
that shows up and does what he says he's going to do and you
trust him and you do look up to him and you respect him.
And that's the difference. And some of these women, again,
have never met a man like that. So they only view submission as
this other thing where they're like, I just get assigned a

(26:06):
husband and I have to follow hiswhatever he says, and I don't
trust him. That's what they're thinking.
Yeah, exactly. And that's why they're so
against it, right? Because they don't even know.
Right. What?
Yeah. The way today is why we call it
like, modern, traditional. It's like you're choosing this.
Man, you have to make a good choice, right?
That's the thing, right? It's just like even like when
I'm like I'm doing sales training, right?

(26:28):
So I, I hire someone to do salescoaching for me, right?
I submit in that like I'm like, you're the boss.
I'm like, whatever you say, whatever you tell me to do, I'm
going to do. I'm trying.
Because it's not like I'm just blindly like, OK, anyone can
just tell me what to do. I've paid, I've vetted this
person out. I know that they're the best.

(26:49):
I've paid them money. I trust them, so I trust their
judgement better than my judgement.
So therefore I'm submitting to their authority in this context,
in this situation, because I want, I, I feel like they can do
a better job of telling me what to do in this situation than I
can, right? Because they're the master, I'm
the student in that case, right?So it's like a lot of people

(27:10):
just in general in society don'tunderstand that.
And submission is something thatthat is, is critical, right?
Because there's a chain of command, because you have to,
you know, if you have a problem with all forms of authority,
you're going to have a big problem in life because you're
never going to learn anything because no one's ever going to
be able to tell you anything, you know what I mean?
Because you're always going to think you're smarter or you're
wiser or your judgment is the the judgment that that

(27:32):
supersedes everything else. And, you know, as a man, yeah,
you've got to have the the quality of relying on your own
judgment. But you also have to recognize
that when you're submitting yourself to some other authority
that it's a full the mission. You, you can't, you can't have
it both ways. But you know, I think a lot of,
and I say that point because a lot of women are very hesitant

(27:53):
to do that. But I'm saying as a man, you
have to do that as well, right? Because that that's the way the
dynamic works. Otherwise you have two people
fighting and battling out and, and trying to one up each other,
right? You know.
Yeah, that's true. But.
Well, so going back to timing and relationships, yeah, I think

(28:13):
too, I hate the phrase. Like it just wasn't the right
time for us or something. Yeah.
Because maybe that is true in some ways and you guys have to
break up for some reason. Yeah, But I think if it's really
the person you're meant to be with, you'll find your way back
to each other. And I don't mean back to each

(28:35):
other as in, like, oh, I couldn't find anybody else.
So let me hit this person up again, you know, a few years
later. But I think, you know, when
people are like, oh, it was justthe wrong time.
Like maybe that is true, but maybe it was the wrong person
because I know too that when youand I met, it wasn't the right
time for you at least. Yeah.

(28:58):
And you still made it work though, and it was a lot and it
was a mess, but you still made it work.
So that's why I don't really like it because I'm like, if it
is the right thing and you know it's the right thing, like the
right person, I think it doesn'tmatter what the timing is,
you'll you'll make it work one way or another.
And even if it that's doing longdistance or whatever it is, like

(29:20):
I don't even really like long distance, but if it's the right
person and you can't be togetherfor some reason, that's better
than and doing nothing, you know?
So I don't really like that phrase because I feel like it
kind of, it's like, oh, it's notnothing, it's nothing I could

(29:41):
have done. The timing was wrong.
But it's like, but if it was theperson you felt like you really
supposed to be with for the restof your life, would you just be
like, the timing was wrong, right?
No, I don't think that that's the case.
Yeah, it could be. I think, yeah, you could say
like the timing in your personaldevelopment, like you can

(30:02):
jeopardize something by not being especially well.
And that's also a reason I was going to mention this about you
don't want to jump from relationto to relationship because
you're going to have emotional baggage from the previous
relationships. No matter what, even if you
think you're not going to. Exactly.
And so those things maybe you doneed to resolve, otherwise it's
going to create a mess with the next one and carry over.

(30:26):
Yeah. So I think there's there's an
element of that that you have to.
But I think even if, OK, let's say that you got out of a
relationship and you met someoneand you do think is the one
pretty quickly after, I think ifyou're open and transparent and
you're like, hey, I just got outof a relationship and I haven't
really processed it. And there's some things I need

(30:47):
to like figure out. And even if you're like, let's
not go on dates for like a few months, but I want to see you
again or something that is not ending it.
To me, that's like how it shouldbe dealt.
With, Sure, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?
Like the open communication. I don't think that means the
timing was wrong. I think that that means that,

(31:07):
you know that this is something valuable.
So you're giving it a timeline that is going to be best for
both you and them, right? But it's still continuing, like
it's still a part of the timeline, right?
If that makes sense. Yeah.
No, it makes sense. And part of that too is like,
and then we talk about this all the time in the podcast is don't
date someone you're not going tomarry.

(31:29):
Figure it out quickly so you're not in a long term relationship
with someone who you're not going to end up with.
Yeah, right. You should be able to know in a
year. Right.
Probably less than a year honestly if it's really the the
right you know but a year to like fully suss it out at the
most. But after a year, you should be
engaged or you should be done. Here's the hard part with that
too. I mean, I guess you can still

(31:52):
say maybe you still know, but I'm thinking about all the
people who haven't really met someone that are maybe watching
this, that they're maybe with somebody long term and they're
like, oh, I I could see us getting married.
But they don't really feel like that's their person, right?
Because that probably would havebeen me if you didn't come
along. Like, there are good people out

(32:14):
there that would make a good boyfriend or a good husband, but
not my soul mate. But it's like, if you've never
got a taste of that, yeah, you, you don't want to, like,
discredit this good thing. OK, But if you had watched this
podcast, but then, then what would have happened Then you
would have known what you're looking for, right?

(32:35):
Yeah, well, yeah. You see, so that's that's the
preparation that people can do is watch the podcast, you know,
no, but but they can they can, they can learn about what the
relationship that they want should be right.
So they can look for those qualities.
But if you don't have any awareness of it or you just
listen to what social media or other people are saying that.

(32:57):
We don't have other people. Well, I mean, but you know what
I mean? Like if you're, if you don't, if
you haven't, that's what you should be putting the thought
into. And that's also where, like she
was saying that who you are attracts you attract who you
are. But I have more to this because
here's The thing is what I'm saying right now, I was always

(33:18):
holding out for a relationship like you and I have.
Yeah. Like a very special, like, new
that this is my person. Yeah.
And plenty of people told me I was crazy, including relatives
and friends would be like, you're being too picky.
Yeah. You're going to end up alone.
And I didn't give up on that thought of like having that

(33:41):
relationship that I really, really wanted.
Right. But I didn't meet anyone that
gave me the feeling of that. And so with all the people
saying those things and then notmeeting somebody, I was sort of
in a place at one point where I was like, am I being too picky?

(34:05):
Is the ultimate thing realistically, just being
somewhat happy, you know what I mean?
And like, I didn't genuinely believe that.
And I'm glad that I didn't settle for other things and miss
out on you, right? But I think though, I'm just
saying this because some people might be feeling what I just

(34:26):
said. They might, like believe this.
And we're doing this so people will see that it exists, but it
is something that is a lot of times harder to find.
But I don't think it's necessarily magical in the sense
I think it can be, but I don't think it has to be.
What I mean by that is that if you have the right tools, you

(34:46):
can build a better than perfect relationship.
Which I do think that's true. Even if even if you start off
and this is not your ideal person, you know, you know, I'm
saying it's like it doesn't feellike that is the case.
Like if you're both working on actually improving, growing
together, then then you get a lot of arranged marriages end up

(35:08):
working out well, you know, or, or great even a lot, don't we?
Need an arranged marriage? I know we need an arrange here.
Because I do want to. I want someone to be real about
their arranged marriage because they do work.
Yeah, I'm not disagreeing with that, But how happy are they
really? How happy they choose to be.
I think that's what it is, is because look, regardless of the

(35:30):
connection that we have and who we are, if we didn't, there's so
many times that we could have destroyed our relationship if we
didn't both do the work to, to help each other and to improve,
right? Like we could have, we, we could
have. There's so many paths if you
think about our relationship that we could have taken where

(35:51):
we could have destroyed everything.
Is that not true? Yeah, but, and I don't want this
to turn into arranged marriage episode.
No, no. But I think there's something
different between meeting somebody and being attracted to
them for all the things that youknow about them and things like
that versus you're assigned to marry this person, like.

(36:11):
Because I think that is also what helped keep us together in
those hard times, is that connection that you and I had
based on who you are and who I am, and that we were choosing
each other because of the thingsthat we really admired in each
other. Yeah.
And so I'm not saying that arranged marriage, they don't
admire things about each other. But when you're assigned to

(36:33):
somebody, yeah, it's a little bit different than you chose
this person. Well, but look, I used to be an
immature idiot. Some even still say that's the
case. But you know, and, and you, you
used to be, you know, whatever, you know, whatever, whatever you
used to be, right? And in that, in that neither of

(36:56):
us would have been good quality for right.
So, So what I'm saying is that it's you develop into like what
we have what was built, right? It wasn't.
Yeah, OK. We had a good foundation to

(37:16):
start with personally, like you did because you worked on
developing yourself and I workedon developing myself.
And we've learned lessons in life.
So it made it a little bit easier to make those steps.
But there are also things that made it more challenging because
of the situation. Yeah.
When when we met. But what I'm saying is that I'm

(37:36):
not saying that just any two people throw them together and
then everything's gonna be I I think there's some attributes
that can definitely make a difference between two people.
I think I do think there is likea soulmate connection between
people as well, you know, But what I'm saying is that a
majority of what makes the relationship great is not that

(38:00):
you found the right person. It's more that you put in the
work in their relationship that you become the right person.
You know, I mean that that in fact, that's what I was saying
at the beginning, is like we became the right person.
We didn't start out like there'sa version of me that you would
not like. Yeah, a version of.
Me that you would not like. Right.
Yeah. And so it's not a matter of, you

(38:22):
know, and that's kind of place into the timing thing as well is
that could the versions of each other that we wouldn't
necessarily like have gotten here?
Yeah, with time and work and andeffort together, a harder path
for sure. But that's that's what I'm
saying is that a lot of it is, is what are you going to do?

(38:43):
Because I think a lot of people are like, oh, they're they're
ready to throw their hands up and say this relationships not
going to this doesn't work. And look, if you're not putting
in your full effort to be the best that you can in that
relationship and to grow in thatrelationship and your partner's
not either or, or one person's not, then yeah, then that's not

(39:05):
going to work. But if, if two people are
committed to having a better than perfect relationship, they
can because because it's, it's amatter of developing those
skills, It's a matter of you know.
Yeah, you're right. So.
But then I would say then timing's none of anybody's
business because it's not something you can control.

(39:28):
It's what you're saying because you're saying that we ended up
where we're at in the right versions of ourselves to make
this work, but we didn't actively do that, no.
So it just played out that way. Yeah, but we are working on
ourselves. But I don't think that's timing.

(39:48):
I think that's if you focus on working on yourself just in
general, and you know what you want and you're dating, you
know, if you're a woman and figuring out what kind of person
you want to be with for the restof your life, then the timing of
it will work out how it wants. You don't have to control that
element of it. And here's where that timing
element does come in is that if you're, it's like she said,

(40:12):
about like you attract where youare right now, like who you are.
I think that's true because if you work on yourself, right, and
you become the person who is theequivalent of what you want in a
relationship, like you've done the work you you've you've
actually put in the work to improve yourself to actually be

(40:34):
a good partner to someone, then you're going to attract the kind
of people that would be a good partner to you.
Like you're going to attract that because you, you're
attractive to that, you know, solike you're going to bring that
into your life. So you're going to create the
timing, right? So instead of focusing on, oh, I
got to find the right one, you should focus on being the right

(40:56):
one. Because if you focus on being
the right one, then you will naturally attract the right 1.
And I think that's both true forboth of our lives.
Like in, in your life, part of the reason why I came into your
life at that time probably had alot to do with what you had
learned and, and, and where you were at in life and, and the

(41:17):
work that you were doing on yourself that made it so that
when I did meet you that I was like, this is exactly what I'm
looking for, you know what I'm saying?
And, and, and likewise, because I had done those things, because
I had I not worked on the, the things that I had worked on to
become the, the, the best personthat I could on my own, then I

(41:37):
would not have probably stood out to you either, you know, so.
I think that's true. So I think that's really what
the focus should be is on like, I mean, it kind of comes back
full circle is like that you do you do have to work on becoming
the person, the best person thatyou can in the relationship.
You you can't say, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship yet

(42:00):
because I'm not the best person of my that, that I can be, you
know, as a man, yeah, you need more time.
Like it's going to take more time because you also need to
financially be able to support awoman and children like you.
You need to be realistic about those things and to ground
yourself as a man, To become a man is a process, whereas to
become a woman is not a process.You're already feminine.

(42:21):
You're already a woman. It's an it's a it's not a doing.
It's an undoing, right? And and so, but I think if your
focus is on OK, just like while I'm waiting, I'm working on
myself and knowing that if I continue to work on myself, then
the opportunities will will showup.
I think that's the best way justoverall perspective to have.

(42:44):
Yeah, And I think a good way to do that too is, like you said,
to be what you want, because youcan't be hypocritical because a
lot of people, they'll be like, oh, I want I'll as a woman, like
a calm man who doesn't yell. But you can't be a woman that
yells. Like you can't ask for something

(43:04):
that you're not giving as well. That's how I feel.
So if I want a man that's not going to yell at me, I'm not
going to yell at him. And that's what I need to work
towards. Even if he doesn't exist, I need
to work towards being that sort of.
Person with everyone that right?Exactly.
Because that's like what I want,right?
And even if that person, even ifI'm on a date with somebody who

(43:27):
does yell, one, I know that thatperson's not for me then.
So that makes it easy. But two, now I'm practicing not
yelling at someone that's yelling at me so that I can be
that sort of person no matter what is thrown at me, but also
honor the man that I want to be with who doesn't do that, you
know what I mean? So I think that is an important

(43:49):
part of it because I think a lotof people, they might not even
focus on the yelling thing, you know what I mean?
Or little things like that. Like those aspects like what you
want in a partner, you also needto embody.
And I'm sure that it's like thatfor men as well, too.
Like you can't, even if you're aleader, you can't be yelling at

(44:09):
her. And then and then if she yells,
you're like, what are you doing?You know what I mean?
Like you're setting the tone. If anything.
You're the leader. You're leading by example.
And now she's going to think it's OK to do that.
She shouldn't do it because she should have worked on her stuff.
And then, you know, like, I'm not going to allow people to get
me to a place that I don't want to be at regardless of how they

(44:32):
act. But you know, it's even more
important for men if they're leading and they're being the
example that they hold high standards as well too, so.
And that's why they need that kind of lead time to mature
themselves to be in that position where, you know, not to
say that it can't, that you can,couldn't be the same age or, you

(44:54):
know, but the ideal is for a manto be older than the woman.
It doesn't mean that it can't work in reverse.
But but if you're just talking about the ideal, because that
man has more time to establish himself and build that authority
and and masculinity so that he can be looked up.
Yeah, but if a younger man has done the work, again, like I
said earlier, he can get there faster.

(45:15):
And there are plenty of younger guys who are way more mature
than guys your age for sure. Yeah.
So, you know, I think it's whatever people.
But that's also true. I think it's you have to go out
there and you have to date to meet people because everybody's
different. Like, yeah, like you said, if a

(45:37):
man is older as a woman, he probably is going to be more
mature just statistically because he's older.
He's had more time. But it's like if you go on a
date and you meet somebody that's younger but he's mature,
there's nothing wrong with that person either if that's the
person that you want to be with.And that's why you have to go
out there and put yourself out there.

(45:57):
You can't hideaway and be like, oh, I'm working on myself.
You have to go out there, but beintentional and you know, get
that because I feel like there are only certain things you can
learn by experience. You know what I mean?
There are things that you can teach yourself and there are
things that you can heal on yourown with books and knowledge and

(46:18):
things like that, or therapy or whatever.
But some things you have to experience and some things you
have to learn the hard way, right?
Because those usually stick the hardest, right?
And are more likely to actually cause change.
Well, yeah. And the majority of your growth
overall is going to happen in a relationship, especially in the
relationship, right? Because you know, if you look

(46:39):
at, I mean, just like if I look at my timeline of personal
development and growth, I thought a lot of it had.
I thought I was at the pinnacle of it before I met you, but then
but but even in my previous relationship, a lot of personal
growth was happening in the situation that I was was in,
right? That's what was actually
developing it. But then when I look at like how

(47:00):
much I've grown just since we'vebeen together, it's a dramatic
increase, right? So it's like you can't, you
can't study for the exam. Right.
Well, it never ends. Yeah, you're never.
Yeah, you're, you're gonna, if you're like, OK, well, let me
just work on all of these thingsso I'll be like perfect before I
get into a relationship. It's like, no, as soon as you
get there, you're gonna realize that you thought you're at level

(47:22):
50, but you're still at Level 3.Yeah.
And you know, I'm saying so, so don't.
Obviously you need to do some work, but don't think that
you're going to do so much that you you're not going to have
any. Any problems or anything?
Yeah. Because you because majority of
the growth is going to happen when you interact with someone
else on an intimate level and have to have to deal with that.

(47:42):
Because then you're really goingto find out about yourself,
right? Because it's like, you know, the
best time that we find out aboutourselves is not under ideal
conditions. It's when we're tested, right?
So it's when things are not going good, then you find out
who you really are, right? So I was talking about, you
know, if you, when you're, you know, when you're running, like
if you go for a run, if I go fora run when I'm 20 miles into a

(48:05):
run, that's when I find out who I really am, right?
Because at that point, you're broken down, you're in pain,
you're, you're not having a goodtime, you're whatever you know,
you, you get yourself into a situation.
And and so under ideal conditions, we, we have an ID
like we can, we have a lot of patience under ideal conditions,

(48:26):
we're happy under ideal conditions, we're pleasant to
people, right? Under stressful, painful
conditions, that surfaces who you really actually are, right?
You know, So whoever you are at your worst, that's who you
actually are, right? And so you have to have
situations that are bring out your worst so that you can then

(48:46):
get that demon out so you can work on it, right?
Because if he's still hiding, you don't know that he's there,
right? But he's still there and still
affecting you on day-to-day life.
You got to really get the ugliness to come out so that you
can face the ugliness and actually resolve it.
And that's going to happen in a relationship.
Yeah. It's when you're on your own.
Who's pushing your buttons? Nobody.
You can just walk away. You can just go and.

(49:08):
You have no attachments exactly.Yeah, right.
Yeah, so. Yeah, no, that's true.
But yeah, I don't know, I'm verymuch like, I don't like like
putting boxes on things. So I think it's like a mixture
of things. Like I've said that you, like
you said, you can't jump from relationship to relationship

(49:30):
because you're going to have baggage.
You could mess up a good relationship that you got in
because you didn't process the other one.
Plus, a lot of people who do that also don't ever spend alone
time with themselves. And they never face the things
that they do need to heal on their own, that they can heal on
their own, which is being by themselves.
Because a lot of people too, just one of their issues that

(49:54):
they haven't worked on or healedis that they're afraid to be
lonely. And you have to do that, like
you have to be OK by yourself and value that in order to one,
kind of give that up for something better for the person
you want to spend your life with.

(50:15):
And so that God forbid, if something were to happen, you
know that you would be OK and you wouldn't just jump to a new
husband or what? Because like if you're easily
replaced, what does that even mean?
Like if I'm just with you because I don't want to be
lonely, do you feel valued? You know what I mean?
Then you're you're just someone that's filling this role right

(50:38):
now. Whereas if I've been alone and
I've dealt with like, feeling lonely at times and overcame
those things, and I can be OK onmy own, yeah, that means me
choosing to be with you means even more.
Exactly. Yeah, Yeah, You should be like,
I love being by myself. That should be great.

(50:59):
And then you should choose to bewith someone else because that's
even better. Yeah, right.
It's like even. That's why I don't have very
many friends because I'm like, Ilike being by my.
I like, I like myself. I like to spend time with
myself. And so I'm, I'm only going to
spend time with people that thatis, I enjoy more than spending
time with myself, which isn't very many.

(51:20):
Yeah. It's it's you and a handful of
people and that's it. But that's the key because it
does become avoidance though, ifyou go the way though where
you're like, I love being by myself and you don't want to put
yourself out there, that's whereit becomes like the avoidance as
well too. So you know, these are things
that you can work on on your own, but like you said, you can

(51:40):
never get to the fully healed part.
Like there's no threshold that you can get to or like, oh, OK,
now you're ready to date becauseyou've healed this much.
Like there's no set guideline for that, but you should want to
be the best version of yourself like you said, to attract the
best version of the partner thatyou want.

(52:01):
Well. And then also, I think the kind
of speaking to what what she asked in the e-mail, because
there's no, there's no version of like working on yourself that
looks like, OK, I've got my little journal and I'm going to
meditate every day for, you know, for an hour and like
everything is in order. And I'll like read some
spiritual books and, and do these things.

(52:23):
There's yes, you're going to achieve some amount of growth
there, but the real growth comesfrom when the shit hits the fan,
right? Like you have to put yourself
into conflict, into situations where your patience is tested,
where things are hard, where that's where it's not like you
can't do this in the isolated little and clean environment.

(52:45):
Like it's messy. Personal growth is messy.
But that's why I think you have to date along the way and
different versions of yourself. Yeah, that's exactly why,
because I think that you you have things to learn at each
step. And so I'm not saying don't date
intentionally, you should. But if it doesn't work out, that

(53:06):
doesn't mean that you aren't learning something or it was the
wrong thing to do. Like everything leads us where
we're supposed to go. So that's how I think about the
timing as well too. Like because I don't want this
lady who wrote this e-mail to belike, oh, I have to, like you
said, I have to have my journal and my read my book.

(53:28):
And then now it would all be good.
Because then what if she gets ina relationship that's not great
and then she's like, well, what did I do wrong?
And like, sometimes there is something that we can reflect
on. I'm sure there's something that
went wrong in the relationship, but also maybe you had to deal
with that challenge with the actual person and see how you

(53:49):
would handle it. Because you can, you can think
of the scenarios in your head, but it's not the same as dealing
with somebody. And so I think it's damaging to
be like so peculiar particular with it that even if you get in
a bad relationship and you have to end it or something happened,

(54:09):
where if you view that as not like I had something to learn
here, you view it as like, oh, Idid something wrong.
Like what did, where did I go wrong?
Like, what is what is this like?How did I end up with this
person? Like the way you view it is very
important. And also, again, I think the
actually having the experience with someone is sometimes the

(54:33):
best teacher. And sometimes we can't read all
the things we need to learn. We have to experience them the
hard way like you said. But modeling it is good.
That's why like I, you know, like I said, people that watch
our podcast, if you understand what you're looking for, what a
relationship should be like, right, then what you can do is
you can have standards. And so there's no reason to ever

(54:57):
get into a toxic relationship. If you understand what you're
looking for and you have standards, then you're cutting
ties very quickly, right? So as soon as someone doesn't
meet your standards, they're gone.
So you date someone And it's like my standard is, is that you
don't yell at me. That doesn't happen.

(55:18):
And sure, maybe one time that happens and you set the boundary
and you say this is my standard.I don't, I don't have this
happen. We don't, I don't have a
relationship with people that yell at me.
And then if they do it again, then they're gone.
Then you're not dating them anymore.
So you're not spending months oftime, you're not getting into a
toxic situation because every time that someone gets into a

(55:39):
toxic situation because they allowed it to happen, because
they led it, because they had standards that were too low,
right? And they it, it's not like that.
It was just a bad person that they they got involved with.
It's like they made the choice to allow that behavior because
it didn't. It didn't just like wherever it
blows up to, it didn't just start that like the the person

(55:59):
that you're dating didn't just all of a sudden become.
A horrible. And if they did, go get him a
brain scan because they might have a tumor, Yeah.
But there was little, little things that happened over time
that built up that you allowed because you were either too
afraid to be alone or you didn'thave enough self respect for
yourself or didn't know what themodel was right.

(56:22):
But you know, in all those situations, if you have the
standards and it would have never grown to that that point,
you know, so that's, that's really the, the biggest thing
that you can do to prepare for the relationship is just to make
sure that you know what it should look like and then to
have the self-confidence to holdthose standards.
And have them for yourself. Yeah, because again, if some man

(56:45):
was like, don't yell at me, but he's yelling at me, No.
And I'm not going to tell a man he can't yell at me, Right.
But I yell, right? Yeah.
So I think it's just as important to hold this yourself
to the same standards that you want to hold your future partner
to. For sure, yeah.
Yeah, because it's just insanityto think that they have to do it

(57:08):
and you can't. Or like you can do it.
And a lot of times, even if you want to talk about how you can
influence a person, it's by having the standards.
Because a lot of times when I'm coaching guys, I'll tell them,
look, if you allow your girlfriend or your wife to speak
to you this way or to act this way, then she's going to, you're

(57:29):
actually hurting her because you're, you're allowing her to
be a worse version of herself, right?
That she will be because you're allowing that to be.
Whereas if you have the standards and you don't tolerate
that, then then that person, if they actually care about you and
care about their relationships enough, that will cause them to

(57:50):
conform to that, which is good for them.
Just again, like the same thing when I'm on, on a sales call and
I'm and someone starts giving me, they're like, Oh yeah, I
just, I like, I'm like, well, why haven't you done this in
the, in the past? Why hasn't it been a priority
for you? And they're like, well, I just
haven't had enough time or whatever the excuse they give

(58:10):
me. If I just allow them to say I
haven't had enough time, which is an external thing, which is
bullshit, right, Then I'm, I'm helping them to become a less
good version of themselves. But if I say, well, I mean, a
lot of people have made enough time.
I mean, don't you think that if something's a priority to you,
that that that's something that you you make time for, you know,

(58:32):
so why haven't you made the time?
And I push back on them because I'm not, that's my standard is
I'm not going to allow you to give me some kind of bullshit
about that because you have to hold yourself to a higher
standard. Then I'm doing them a service
because I'm causing them to stepup.
You know what I mean? And so that's the same thing.
It's like you might be sabotaging your relationships by
not having standards and then like filtering out people that

(58:54):
could be good for you. It's just that people act how
you train them to treat you. And so if you come in with
standards, then you might be helping that person be the
person that they need to be in order to be in a relationship
with you. You know that's true, so.
Well, I think we. Yeah, we covered all.
The things, unless there's anything else you can think of.

(59:15):
No, I think that's. But you just said time is
bullshit and so I agree. Time is bullshit.
It's a bullshit excuse, and I think it's a bullshit excuse
here in some ways. You know, that's why I don't
like the timing thing. I think, yeah, it'll happen how
it's supposed to happen. Yeah, you can make.
If you want something bad enough, you'll make it.
You'll figure it out. You'll either make it happen or
supposed to take that time. Cuz I'm thinking about to like,

(59:38):
you know, what if you came alongand I was younger or something
or older, like that's just how in my mind it's like, that's
just how it was supposed to be. Like, you know, it happened how
it's supposed to happen. I'm just glad it did happen.
So I think taking the timing of things like and just allowing it

(59:59):
to be what it's supposed to be also gives you the freedom to
not stress because. If you're like, oh, as a woman,
like I want to be married and have kids by 25, if you haven't
found the guy that you want, then now what are you going to
do? You're either going to settle
for someone or you're going to have to accept that that's not

(01:00:19):
going to happen and then allow it to happen how it's supposed
to. But on that same ven or venue or
whatever token vein, vein, let'ssay it's the same vein.
If you are the woman that's like, I want to be married and
have kids by 25, but then you'relike, OK, I'm gonna go party and
be a a hood rat for like until that time, yeah, then you're not

(01:00:44):
really selling yourself, you know what I'm saying?
Like you're not preparing yourself.
There's still no guarantee that you're gonna hit that deadline
of 25, right? But the chance that like
opportunity meets preparation, right?
So it's like that's what timing is, is when opportunity meets
preparation. And so if you are doing hood rat
shit in your in your early 20s and going and goofing off and

(01:01:08):
applies for guys too, like, you know, being a being a dumb ass
instead of actually building yourself, then you're going to
miss the opportunities that could have come because they're
going to pass you by. But if you're diligently
preparing, if your if your goal is I'd like to be married by 25
1/2 kids and you're like, OK, let me read the right books.

(01:01:29):
Let me watch this podcast. Let me do the things that are
going to prepare me for that putmyself in the best situation.
It doesn't guarantee that you'regoing to hit that, but it it
creates a better chance of that opportunity happening and
hitting you at the right time because you're prepared for it.
Yeah, I'm not saying don't prepare, but I'm saying don't

(01:01:52):
feel like you have to plan everysingle aspect of it.
I think you you should be working on yourself as a person
as early as you can. I mean, our daughter's working
on herself and she's done a lot of work now and she's a
teenager. So I don't, I think that that's

(01:02:13):
just what we should all be doingin general.
So I don't even view it as like preparing like for that.
I get what you're saying and it does make sense.
And I agree that like if you want to be a wife by a certain
age, then you should do certain things differently than if you
don't care when it happens. But I think as far as growing

(01:02:36):
and healing, the things that we've gone through like that
should just be a, a thing that we're constantly working on
because it's never going to end.Like, and that's a good thing
because the more you do heal, though, the better you feel.
And you just keep going up and up from there until you reach
this place where you feel reallygreat.
But I don't think that's necessarily like, you know,

(01:02:57):
something that has to do with the timing.
I think that you do it and what will happen will happen the way
it's supposed to. But if you're not at the bus
stop, you're going to miss the bus 100% of the time, right?
If you are at the bus stop, you could still miss the bus.
Like it might not show up on time or it might be late or
whatever, but it's guaranteed ifyou're not at the bus stop,

(01:03:18):
you're going to miss the bus. Well, then what's the bus stop
just. The bus stop is preparing
yourself like is is putting yourself in the best position.
If you want to be a wife. Putting yourself in the best
position for what you want to happen.
It doesn't guarantee it happens,right?
But it does guarantee that it doesn't happen If you don't put
yourself in the position, if you're not at the bus stop,
you're not going to, you're not going to catch the bus, right?

(01:03:39):
Because a lot of people are like, oh, I missed the bus.
Well, so yeah, but you weren't at the bus stop.
You weren't, well, I, I, I was there.
Sometimes it's like, no, you gotto be waiting at the bus stop
for the bus. Like that's what it is.
You you have to actually be if you want something.
What does that mean then, besides not going out partying?
We already know that. It means, it means, it means

(01:04:00):
the, the working on yourself in the way that you can, right,
preparing yourself to be the best partner possible, right?
So that you know the the thing that you're trying to attract,
that you are that thing that you're putting yourself in the
best position. And how did you say to do that?
Well, like I said, reading, reading the books that that we
said listening to podcasts like this one, you know, I'm sure

(01:04:22):
there's other podcasts too that where you can see what a
relationship is supposed to looklike that you want.
So you know what it is preparingyourself says that you're going
to be that partner as best as you can in that by working on
those things and you know, having that that knowledge, you
know, and, and, and putting yourself in the environments,
right, that are more likely to find the kind of person, right.

(01:04:45):
So a good example would be like Tony Robbins events, right?
Like a seminar, Like OK, if you're a person of of.
Like people, right? Yeah.
Like that's a great place. You're probably going to find
more of the man that you're looking for as a woman in a
place like that where it's a whole bunch of guys that are
focused on growing themselves. Not that every, you know,
there's definitely going to be some delinquents in there, but a

(01:05:07):
majority of people, right? Like, like you, you have to
think about putting yourself into that, that position in that
environment so that you don't miss that bus.
Yeah, no, I agree. We just needed to give them a
map to the bus stop. Yeah, You can't just say go to
the bus stop and then they don'tknow know how to go to the bus
stop. Yeah, the bus stop though is,
is, is not, you know, going out partying and drinking.
I'm not saying you can't ever have any kind of fun, but I'm

(01:05:28):
just saying like that's and it applies to guys too as well,
right, Because I see so many guys waste their 20s like going
out and partying. And again, you can have a little
bit of fun, but if if you're notworking on yourself,
establishing yourself and putting yourself in that best
position, then you're you're going to miss it.
So that's true. Yeah.
All right. Do we have anything for us for

(01:05:50):
this? I don't know.
Can you think of anything? I can't think of anything.
It's been been quite. I feel like if we can't think of
anything, it's probably no. But then.
We're in the what? I'm trying to think.
Any issues that we've had that? I don't know.
Arguments. You're upset with me wanting to

(01:06:12):
know when we're getting to wherewe have to go on Sunday.
Oh, OK. Yeah, Well, yeah, but because I
got it, it's my responsibility. I know, but it's Tuesday and I'm
nervous. Yeah, but I always take care of
the things that are on my plate.That's true.
That's probably the only thing. Unless I need help and then I
ask you for help. Yeah, I'm just like you.

(01:06:33):
I don't like having the things like not figured out.
Yeah, but if you got me then it it's as good as figured out, so.
Yeah, We'll be like flying on anairplane or something, like
we're taking an airplane. I'm like, OK, as long as we get
there. But yeah, I think aside from
that, I don't think we've had any any issues now that I can
think of. Not good.

(01:06:54):
We're not gonna win. All right.
All right. Well, if you have a question for
us, you can e-mail us at [e-mail].
We'll just go to betterthanperfectpod.com and.
Submit a. Submit a thing.
I think there's a thing. What do they call?
Contact. A contact form Is there contact
form on? There I don't know.

(01:07:15):
I don't know. That's a better than
[e-mail] and we'll see you next week.