July 16, 2024 • 10 mins
Ever feel like life's just a series of chaotic pit stops? Join us as we unravel the art of being present in both your personal and professional life. In this episode of Big Questions Short Answers, Sian and her husband Andy dive into the hilarious yet eye-opening reality of balancing family life while genuinely connecting with those around you. Sian, with her background in acting and coaching, spills the beans on how active listening can transform relationships, while Andy candidly shares his struggles with staying tuned in without an agenda. Get ready to laugh, learn, and rethink how you engage with others.
You'll hear us chat about everything from the frustrations of feeling unheard to the little moments that make a world of difference. We discuss how fleeting interactions can sometimes feel like high-speed pit stops and the effort it takes to truly be present. Whether you're trying to improve communication at home or at work, this episode is packed with practical advice and amusing anecdotes to help you master the art of genuine attention. So tune in and discover how to make others feel valued and significant—one heartfelt conversation at a time.
For more content, check out Sian's website sianjaquet.com, and her online course: Create The Life You Truly Love.
www.sianjaquet.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Whatever you like, just do what you've got it in.
Okay, Welcome to Big Questions.
Short Answers I'm Sian.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Hello, I'm Andy Sian's husband asking the big
life questions.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
And possibly adding a little bit of unsolicited
advice.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Maybe this podcast is brought to you by Sian's
value-based online course.
Visit sianjackeycom to find outmore.
I'm going to kick this one off,and it's a subject that you
talk about regularly, whetherit's to do with the home life or
whether it's to do with worklife, and it's about being
present.
Um, and I just sort of want tounderstand being present.
(00:44):
Look, you be strange.
Uh, being present, what thatmeans to you, or or or what it
means to me, in fact, that's thenerve.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
What does it mean to you?
You're right, I do use it quiteoften.
Well, turn it around then.
When do you think I use it whenI say that thing, when I say to
you stop talking and be present?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Yeah, sometimes it's quite difficult.
I mean sometimes and I thinkthat's also a case for people at
work and at home about what itis about being present.
It's like, yeah, I'm here, whatdo you want?
Yeah, I'm here, what do youwant?
Okay, look the ABCs of beingpresent is listening, Right
(01:32):
right.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
The times I get aggravated with you is if we're
sitting talking discussingsomething and we're not even
into red mist conversation, justeven normal conversations.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Yeah, I don't like the red mist.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
We'll have to tell anybody who doesn't.
There are times you get there,mate.
My point is that being presentis an active thing to do.
That's how I learned to do it.
You needed to be to actuallyconsciously.
Am I really listening, or am Idoing and I'm just gonna so
(02:07):
enjoy saying this?
Am I opening my mouth andsaying things or am I thinking,
as you're talking, of how I'mgoing to respond and how I get
my agenda across?
I'm not really listening to youand it's that moment when you
know that the person you'retalking to isn't really
listening.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Because you trained well.
You trained twice, as anactress and also as a coach.
So obviously I imaginelistening is quite important in
both of those skills.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
Well, I don't know anything else that makes
somebody feel valued, umsignificant.
All of those.
Yeah, there is nothing morepowerful than somebody actually
knowing by what's happening inthe moment, but actually feeling
like they're being listened to,and that is what it means to be
(03:01):
present.
Yeah it doesn't just meanarrive with your hand up.
Hello, I'm here, right, I signin.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Am I putting on my listening face now?
Speaker 1 (03:10):
You're being a sardy bastard.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Okay, but no, I'm serious, it's important.
That is important in terms ofthe ability to listen and not
think to yourself I've got anagenda I want to push through.
Actually, how you stop yourselffrom thinking, oh, this is what
I want to do next.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
I mean, you just answered the question, but it's
quite hard.
It's not something that you canjust flick a switch and
suddenly, oh, I'm now going tobe present all the time.
You know it comes down to thebig values, like having an
integrity in your relationshipwith somebody.
So if you're talking in apersonal life, yeah, and I think
(03:53):
that you know when when you'vegot kids and work and life, and
you know that there are times inour lives when it's like, dear
god, you and to you and I, beingable to actually have a
conversation was nothing morethan a pit stop and that's what
it used to feel.
Like Formula One, pit stop,like it's come in, we've got to
sort all of this out.
You can make that noise again.
(04:14):
I like that.
No, no, no, exactly.
It's exactly what it's like.
You know that we had a pit stopto solve stuff and you are
genuinely Not very good atlistening.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
No.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Unless it's a subject that you're in control of or
you need some answers.
Yeah, you will answer me aquestion, like you did this
morning about the wooden floor.
I've had an idea.
This is how right, this is theproblem.
And I said well, yes, that isone of the problems, but there's
this, that and the other.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
As soon as you just launched into you didn't let me
finish what I was saying.
Actually, I would argue thatyou were present there.
But to start with but far be itfrom me, yeah, say that the
36th conversation about a woodenfloor that just needs replacing
.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
You are still going around in circles trying to find
a way of doing it and I thinkyou know I've seen this before.
I've been on this radio.
So yeah, come back to it.
Being present, it is an activething to listen.
It's very interesting becauseif you read books and you dive
into the psychology of how tobring up a whole and healthy
human being, if you're a parent,or how to work with people in a
(05:23):
, you know when you're in aworking environment, as I keep
saying, you know you go to alibrary and there's rows of
books on it.
Or you can put the computer onand there's 30 000 things that
will tumble out to tell you howto do it.
But fundamentally, the mostpowerful skill you can have is
learning to listen oh, it's noteasy, is it really?
Speaker 2 (05:43):
well, you think, mean for this time that we have
let's just talk about from apersonal relationship when have
you seen it not working?
Because sometimes that's thebest way to see how it works.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Living with you.
What do you say when does itnot work?
I mean, are you actually awareof how I approach things with
you?
If I want to have a very realconversation with you, that is
important.
I'll say, right, sit down, lookat my face and I will literally
say to you Andy, are youlistening?
I need you to listen, and eventhen, sometimes you find it hard
(06:21):
.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Well it is, isn't it Because I'm not alone?
I don't think, Isn't it BecauseI'm not alone?
I don't think that, in terms ofpeople having a need to have
their voice heard and a case oftrying to actively suppress that
, to listen more intently andthey're looking at me with their
(06:46):
nodding More intently, toactually, I suppose, ultimately,
you might in fact get yourpoint across in a clearer way
I'm going to say two things.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
One is frame it, before you start a conversation,
that you're going to saysomething you want somebody to
listen to.
Okay, um, and again, thisdoesn't have to be monumental,
sit down, I'm about to give youinformation that's going to blow
your world apart.
It can be as basic as me sayingto you if I have to wipe out
the sink again because you'veleft your spit after you've
(07:18):
cleaned your teeth in there, letgo of it.
Well, I noticed that thismorning I'm gonna stick a fork
in your face, but it's when youwant somebody to really listen.
So you start by framing it,saying you know, I need five
minutes of your time, I need twominutes of your time.
I need, I need to have a chatabout something, I need to share
something with you.
That's it the one, very basic,and I know it sounds easy, but
(07:43):
just try and do that for a week.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Yeah, so the onus actually is not necessarily on
the person that's not reallylistening.
The onus is on the person thatis wanting to have that
conversation.
For that person to be presentis to actually, as you say,
create a framework in which tosay okay, I've got something
important to say and we need tojust stop for a moment.
(08:05):
Yeah, so that's number one.
Yeah, Okay.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Number two is, as you're having the conversation,
if you're the person that'stalking to somebody, you're oh
God, I do.
I'm sitting there looking atyour face.
I don't want to be a man havingthis conversation.
The second thing to do is toask that person a couple of
times in that conversation.
Reflect back to me what you'rehearing me say.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
I mean, there have been moments so many where I
have actually literally saidthat to you.
Andy, tell me what I've justsaid and you look at me as if
I'm speaking Swahili, becauseyou have learned the art of
tuning out and your face may beanimated and twitching and I
might even get a little bit ofeye contact with the ears on.
So reflect back.
That's another way, and if youreally want to start creating a
(08:52):
belief that you are working onlistening as a skill, then ask
somebody after you've had theconversation how does it make
you feel?
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Because, when you are listened to, when you are truly
listened to and, as I say,please don't go off the Richter
scale to massive conversations.
There might even be littleconversations, right, but when
you are truly listened to, it isthe most wonderful feeling in
the world.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
This is a skill, really, that you need to work on
, because that works withinrelationships, it works within
your work, it works across theboard, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Absolutely, and it's you know.
You're on the first few ladderssteps of emotional intelligence
, aren't you?
You know, emotionallyintelligent people have the
skill to listen.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Well, we're going to leave that there as a thought.
We might come back to that aswe Hold on, shall we?
Join us next time on BigQuestions.
Short Answers with Sian Jacquetand me, andy.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
If you have any questions you want to ask,
please send them via the website.
If you have any questions youwant to ask, please send them
via the website shansjackeycom.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and
share it with everyone you know.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
We really do appreciate you sharing 15
minutes with us.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
And if you want to do a bit more learning, go on to
Shans' website shansjackeycom.
There's a course on values tocreate the life you truly love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the can.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
See you next time.
Whatever you like, just do what you've got it in.
Okay, Welcome to Big Questions.
Short Answers I'm Sian.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Hello, I'm Andy Sian's husband asking the big
life questions.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
And possibly adding a little bit of unsolicited
advice.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Maybe this podcast is brought to you by Sian's
value-based online course.
Visit sianjackeycom to find outmore.
I'm going to kick this one off,and it's a subject that you
talk about regularly, whetherit's to do with the home life or
whether it's to do with worklife, and it's about being
present.
Um, and I just sort of want tounderstand being present.
(00:44):
Look, you be strange.
Uh, being present, what thatmeans to you, or or or what it
means to me, in fact, that's thenerve.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
What does it mean to you?
You're right, I do use it quiteoften.
Well, turn it around then.
When do you think I use it whenI say that thing, when I say to
you stop talking and be present?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Yeah, sometimes it's quite difficult.
I mean sometimes and I thinkthat's also a case for people at
work and at home about what itis about being present.
It's like, yeah, I'm here, whatdo you want?
Yeah, I'm here, what do youwant?
Okay, look the ABCs of beingpresent is listening, Right
(01:32):
right.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
The times I get aggravated with you is if we're
sitting talking discussingsomething and we're not even
into red mist conversation, justeven normal conversations.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Yeah, I don't like the red mist.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
We'll have to tell anybody who doesn't.
There are times you get there,mate.
My point is that being presentis an active thing to do.
That's how I learned to do it.
You needed to be to actuallyconsciously.
Am I really listening, or am Idoing and I'm just gonna so
(02:07):
enjoy saying this?
Am I opening my mouth andsaying things or am I thinking,
as you're talking, of how I'mgoing to respond and how I get
my agenda across?
I'm not really listening to youand it's that moment when you
know that the person you'retalking to isn't really
listening.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Because you trained well.
You trained twice, as anactress and also as a coach.
So obviously I imaginelistening is quite important in
both of those skills.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
Well, I don't know anything else that makes
somebody feel valued, umsignificant.
All of those.
Yeah, there is nothing morepowerful than somebody actually
knowing by what's happening inthe moment, but actually feeling
like they're being listened to,and that is what it means to be
(03:01):
present.
Yeah it doesn't just meanarrive with your hand up.
Hello, I'm here, right, I signin.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Am I putting on my listening face now?
Speaker 1 (03:10):
You're being a sardy bastard.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Okay, but no, I'm serious, it's important.
That is important in terms ofthe ability to listen and not
think to yourself I've got anagenda I want to push through.
Actually, how you stop yourselffrom thinking, oh, this is what
I want to do next.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
I mean, you just answered the question, but it's
quite hard.
It's not something that you canjust flick a switch and
suddenly, oh, I'm now going tobe present all the time.
You know it comes down to thebig values, like having an
integrity in your relationshipwith somebody.
So if you're talking in apersonal life, yeah, and I think
(03:53):
that you know when when you'vegot kids and work and life, and
you know that there are times inour lives when it's like, dear
god, you and to you and I, beingable to actually have a
conversation was nothing morethan a pit stop and that's what
it used to feel.
Like Formula One, pit stop,like it's come in, we've got to
sort all of this out.
You can make that noise again.
(04:14):
I like that.
No, no, no, exactly.
It's exactly what it's like.
You know that we had a pit stopto solve stuff and you are
genuinely Not very good atlistening.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
No.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Unless it's a subject that you're in control of or
you need some answers.
Yeah, you will answer me aquestion, like you did this
morning about the wooden floor.
I've had an idea.
This is how right, this is theproblem.
And I said well, yes, that isone of the problems, but there's
this, that and the other.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
As soon as you just launched into you didn't let me
finish what I was saying.
Actually, I would argue thatyou were present there.
But to start with but far be itfrom me, yeah, say that the
36th conversation about a woodenfloor that just needs replacing
.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
You are still going around in circles trying to find
a way of doing it and I thinkyou know I've seen this before.
I've been on this radio.
So yeah, come back to it.
Being present, it is an activething to listen.
It's very interesting becauseif you read books and you dive
into the psychology of how tobring up a whole and healthy
human being, if you're a parent,or how to work with people in a
(05:23):
, you know when you're in aworking environment, as I keep
saying, you know you go to alibrary and there's rows of
books on it.
Or you can put the computer onand there's 30 000 things that
will tumble out to tell you howto do it.
But fundamentally, the mostpowerful skill you can have is
learning to listen oh, it's noteasy, is it really?
Speaker 2 (05:43):
well, you think, mean for this time that we have
let's just talk about from apersonal relationship when have
you seen it not working?
Because sometimes that's thebest way to see how it works.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Living with you.
What do you say when does itnot work?
I mean, are you actually awareof how I approach things with
you?
If I want to have a very realconversation with you, that is
important.
I'll say, right, sit down, lookat my face and I will literally
say to you Andy, are youlistening?
I need you to listen, and eventhen, sometimes you find it hard
(06:21):
.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Well it is, isn't it Because I'm not alone?
I don't think, Isn't it BecauseI'm not alone?
I don't think that, in terms ofpeople having a need to have
their voice heard and a case oftrying to actively suppress that
, to listen more intently andthey're looking at me with their
(06:46):
nodding More intently, toactually, I suppose, ultimately,
you might in fact get yourpoint across in a clearer way
I'm going to say two things.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
One is frame it, before you start a conversation,
that you're going to saysomething you want somebody to
listen to.
Okay, um, and again, thisdoesn't have to be monumental,
sit down, I'm about to give youinformation that's going to blow
your world apart.
It can be as basic as me sayingto you if I have to wipe out
the sink again because you'veleft your spit after you've
(07:18):
cleaned your teeth in there, letgo of it.
Well, I noticed that thismorning I'm gonna stick a fork
in your face, but it's when youwant somebody to really listen.
So you start by framing it,saying you know, I need five
minutes of your time, I need twominutes of your time.
I need, I need to have a chatabout something, I need to share
something with you.
That's it the one, very basic,and I know it sounds easy, but
(07:43):
just try and do that for a week.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Yeah, so the onus actually is not necessarily on
the person that's not reallylistening.
The onus is on the person thatis wanting to have that
conversation.
For that person to be presentis to actually, as you say,
create a framework in which tosay okay, I've got something
important to say and we need tojust stop for a moment.
(08:05):
Yeah, so that's number one.
Yeah, Okay.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Number two is, as you're having the conversation,
if you're the person that'stalking to somebody, you're oh
God, I do.
I'm sitting there looking atyour face.
I don't want to be a man havingthis conversation.
The second thing to do is toask that person a couple of
times in that conversation.
Reflect back to me what you'rehearing me say.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
I mean, there have been moments so many where I
have actually literally saidthat to you.
Andy, tell me what I've justsaid and you look at me as if
I'm speaking Swahili, becauseyou have learned the art of
tuning out and your face may beanimated and twitching and I
might even get a little bit ofeye contact with the ears on.
So reflect back.
That's another way, and if youreally want to start creating a
(08:52):
belief that you are working onlistening as a skill, then ask
somebody after you've had theconversation how does it make
you feel?
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Because, when you are listened to, when you are truly
listened to and, as I say,please don't go off the Richter
scale to massive conversations.
There might even be littleconversations, right, but when
you are truly listened to, it isthe most wonderful feeling in
the world.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
This is a skill, really, that you need to work on
, because that works withinrelationships, it works within
your work, it works across theboard, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Absolutely, and it's you know.
You're on the first few ladderssteps of emotional intelligence
, aren't you?
You know, emotionallyintelligent people have the
skill to listen.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Well, we're going to leave that there as a thought.
We might come back to that aswe Hold on, shall we?
Join us next time on BigQuestions.
Short Answers with Sian Jacquetand me, andy.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
If you have any questions you want to ask,
please send them via the website.
If you have any questions youwant to ask, please send them
via the website shansjackeycom.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and
share it with everyone you know.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
We really do appreciate you sharing 15
minutes with us.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
And if you want to do a bit more learning, go on to
Shans' website shansjackeycom.
There's a course on values tocreate the life you truly love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the can.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
See you next time.
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