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June 25, 2024 13 mins

Can love alone sustain a lifelong partnership? Hear how we, Sian and Andy, navigated the intricacies of our now 35-plus-year relationship starting with critical, sometimes exhausting, conversations. From the moment Andy proposed, we knew that our journey together would require more than just affection—it called for deliberate discussions on our values, responsibilities, and future plans. We share our story of setting the groundwork for emotional intelligence and mutual understanding, essential elements that have fortified our bond over the decades.

Discover the trials and triumphs of maintaining a meaningful relationship as we recount our experiences dealing with disagreements, life changes, and familial responsibilities. We offer insights on aligning values and beliefs, illustrating our points with real-life examples from our own marriage. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation on the true work behind a lasting partnership, one that goes beyond love to include a deep and ongoing commitment to understanding and growth.

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For more content, check out Sian's website sianjaquet.com, and her online course: Create The Life You Truly Love.

www.sianjaquet.com

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
um, whatever you like , just do what you've got it in
right.
Welcome to big questions.

Speaker 1 (00:12):
Short answers I'm sean hello, I'm andy sean's
husband asking the big lifequestions and possibly adding a
little bit of advice thispodcast is brought to you by
seanan's value-based onlinecourse.
Visit shanjackaycom to find outmore today.
Quite interesting, because Iwanted to talk about what was on

(00:35):
the telly, and it's aboutrelationships.
Married at first sight?
No, no, but the only crude, theonly thing about that was about
developing a relationship.
Why are you looking at me likethat?
Just?

Speaker 2 (00:49):
the very name of the television programme makes my
toes crawl.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
But one of the things they do.
They ask each other questionsand it's all compressed into an
afternoon or something like that.
But that's something that wedid, didn't we?
You were comparing ourrelationship.
Not much, it's pretty much to belike you are, but in terms of a
process, in terms of getting arelationship right, what they're

(01:16):
talking about is that they'reasking each other some quite
challenging questions.
Yeah, you've got your hands inyour face.
That's not good, but justtalking about getting to
understand your partner.
I think that's what we'retalking about.
When I've got myself sortedyeah, we've got there eventually

(01:36):
.

Speaker 2 (01:37):
Um, please don't ever use money to first sight as any
analogy in my life in any way,shape, shape or form, because
that took a sharp right turn.
Okay, what I think I'm hearingyou say, what you're asking me
is to share what happened to us.

Speaker 1 (01:53):
In terms of building a relationship.

Speaker 2 (01:54):
Yeah, so you asked me to marry you 35, 6, 7 years ago
, I don't know somewhere,somehow, I don't know, it was
the end of September and I wewon't go into the details of
that, because that in itself isa three ring opera performance
but what I remember saying toyou is yes, andy, I will marry
you, yes, I love you.
But before we make thiscommitment, we need to have some

(02:19):
very real conversations aboutsome fundamentals of our future.
Now, 30 odd years ago, I mean,I was in my what?

Speaker 1 (02:32):
Twenties.

Speaker 2 (02:33):
Late twenties, yeah, Middle twenties, late twenties.
How old was I?
I don't know.
Middle twenties, middletwenties, I didn't.

Speaker 1 (02:41):
You're quite smart.

Speaker 2 (02:42):
Well, it was instinct rather than intellect, to be
very clear here, right, and itwas learning of what I had seen
and observed of life even then,and we spent the better part of
I think it was nearly a month,but it was certainly three weeks
.
We agreed that both of usalthough I ended up doing the
lion's share of it, and that'snot a criticism, by the way,

(03:04):
because I was driven by it thatI would put together a set of
questions and every eveningyou'd come home from work, I'd
come, whatever, whatever, we'dhave dinner and we sat and we
talked about these questionsbecause I believed and you
engaged with it that we neededto have a discussion about
things that were possibly gonnahappen in our lives right, it

(03:28):
used to make me feel very tired.
Yes, I know you did and evenneed to sit down and talk, and
you know it was like giving youa sedative um I wanted to engage
, but it was it was a sword workyeah because it was part of
your brain muscles that you'dnever used.
Yeah, um, and what we wereactually doing was putting this
relationship on a train track ofemotional intelligence, that we

(03:51):
were going to use our emotionsand we were going to use our
values and beliefs in a way thatsupported who we were.
So we walked into it with arealistic view of who I was
going to spend my life with,because loving you was the easy
bit and I know liking you when Ididn't agree with you or when
you didn't agree with me, andthat's the very basic.

(04:11):
You have to find a way ofmaking that work.
So, for instance, one of thequestions we I remember having a
whole evening about this waswell, okay, you know, get on,
our parents get older and isthere a set of circumstances
where we become responsible forour parents and they come and

(04:33):
live with us?
Yes, is that because, in yourcultural background, to a point
that was expected.

Speaker 1 (04:40):
And at that stage we were living in the same country.

Speaker 2 (04:42):
Yeah, and we had a very robust conversation about
the chances of me actuallyliving in a house with your mum
and dad.
Very damn robust, right.

Speaker 1 (04:58):
People who'd bought tickets for that.

Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, and that we needed a conversation about what
could we do.
What would we do Now?
It didn't necessarily mean wewere signing some kind of
contract and I've made thatdecision, but it was about
talking about how we felt, aboutwhere our responsibilities
began and ended.
And, more to the point, I canremember in that conversation

(05:21):
taking it even to the when wedidn't have children then but
kind of saying, well, look, youknow, if we have children, what
is our expectation of them?

Speaker 1 (05:30):
I'm moving in With no men.

Speaker 2 (05:32):
No, because behind your back I say to all of them,
if I go first, don't ever letyour father inveigle you into
going to live in his house.
No, I don't say that.
No, I do say that I think oneof them might have me.
I think they'd all love you forentertainment for two days a
week, but just not seven.
Am I going all over the place?

Speaker 1 (05:53):
here.
No, no, but what we're talkingabout, I suppose.
What I ask you about is, Isuppose, in terms of a
relationship, you know, becauserelationships go through
fricking rocky times, you knowit.
Relationships go throughfreaking rocky times, you know,
it doesn't matter whatrelationship and for however

(06:14):
long they last.
You know, and ours has beenfortunate to last quite a long
time.
I suppose I valued that, eventhough I kept falling asleep
because they were like difficult, but I valued that because that
has sustained the relationshipit's a reflection of that phrase
that you get to decide wherethe bar is or the bar the bar of
a relationship the bar, the bar, the bar.
Our friends know about the bar.
How high is the bar?

Speaker 2 (06:36):
the bar is as high as you choose your relationship to
be, and that's based on valuesand that's based on the vision
of who and what you choose to be.
And I believe, to a greaterextent, that you and I decided
that the bar was quite high.
The values and the beliefs.
Well, I couldn't help it,because it takes two people to

(06:59):
hold the bar each end.
It's not about me just standingin the middle holding it, and
that again is a metaphor forrelationships.
You know the people who want agood relationship or want
something, and they stand in themiddle holding it.
Yeah, and that again is ametaphor for relationships.
Yeah, you know the people whowho want a good relationship or
want something, and they standin the middle and they're
holding the bar, and then theyon their own buckle, yeah I'm
holding one end, you're holdingthe other, and there are times
when yours slips down, yeah, andthere are the times when I've

(07:19):
slightly lowered mine to make iteasy for both of us, because we
both need a bit of a rest, yeah, but then it's.
But what is the bar lowered for?
In our relationship, the barwas never, ever lowered for
things like loyalty.

Speaker 1 (07:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:35):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (07:35):
Fidelity was very, very.

Speaker 2 (07:36):
That was non-negotiable.

Speaker 1 (07:38):
Yeah, that was a black line.

Speaker 2 (07:38):
Don't do sharing.
Yeah yeah, right, not a blackline.
Do not use the word black inthose terms.
It's a hard line, a hard line.
Thank you Right, it could havebeen a white line.
It could have been a red line.

Speaker 1 (07:52):
But there's a black line.
It could have been a green line.
It's a piece of paper.
Stop it.

Speaker 2 (07:55):
Just accept that you have to learn to change how you
say certain things Okay Right,not everything, just as certain
things, and don't be an old gitthat holds on to it just because
she can.

Speaker 1 (08:06):
Okay, right, okay, a hard line.

Speaker 2 (08:09):
Coming back to the bar, right, yeah, that is how we
have survived this marriage.
Yeah, and when the bar slightlydips, it's because one or other
of us acknowledges that theother isn't necessarily at their
best, yeah, that they're notconfident, that physically,
emotionally, life pressure,whatever it is we now do it

(08:33):
instinctively, but in thebeginning we had to learn how to
do that.
Yeah, do you remember the timeswhen we were going through
really tough times Littlechildren, whatever, money,
everything Right, and there wereprobably more than two, several
probably isn't too overstatingit when there were moments and

(08:54):
days when I would actually sayto you stop, we have to
prioritize each other.
Now we've got to stop and wehave got to talk, and it doesn't
matter what commitments we'vegot, because, but we also going
to fall off what is important inour life if we don't do this.
And I literally remember youpicking up the phone to your
boss, big boss.

(09:14):
We're still friends with himtoday and he remembers it
because I've chatted to himabout it.
Not that long ago, when youpicked up the phone, you said
look, sian and I are in a badspace.

Speaker 1 (09:25):
I need now some time to just we've got some serious
stuff and you do have toprioritise that because that's
an element.

Speaker 2 (09:34):
Yeah, I was ready to go and speak to a lawyer, I was
ready to say I ain't doing thisanymore, and we were both
incredibly unhappy and hurting.
And so that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, that you, we, we had theconfidence to say nothing is
more important than thisrelationship, and there is, at

(09:56):
this moment, a crisis, right,yeah, now I'm not suggesting
everybody phone their boss andsay I'm not coming into work
because I'm rowing with mypartner, um, but there is a
space where it is okay, or it'sgot to be okay, isn't it, to put
your hand up and find yourvoice to say I'm in trouble and
I need to focus on this problemnow?

Speaker 1 (10:17):
yeah, there's a relationship, relationship.
I, you know, the mostsignificant thing that you do is
when you're alive.
From my perspective, I meansome people maybe live
independent lives or the rest ofit you know, it's an important
part of my life, your life, andif you're not prioritizing it I
mean even to the point as partof the early conversations, you

(10:40):
know, as lovely as it is to havekids we prioritise our
relationship Because if we'renot together, then the kids.

Speaker 2 (10:49):
Well, again, I mean, you were there.
You were there how many timesin social environments, whatever
people talk about kids, likeyou do, and I would say, well,
first of all, we referred tothem as the squatters, but we'd
signed up to look after themuntil we were 18.
Well, how bad were we wrongwith that?

(11:10):
However, my point being that wewould literally say that, as
far as the order of priority,you and I come first and the
children come second, and Istill actually believe that
because, if we are the providersof that emotional, financial
and every other kind ofstability and to be the parents

(11:31):
we chose to be in the world thatwe lived in because that, again
, is all relative we needed thatyeah, I mean we'll wind up a
little bit now, but it's aboutprioritizing, isn't it?

Speaker 1 (11:44):
and it's about focusing on, as you said,
setting the bar at a certainrate, um, and prioritizing.
And you know, asking the hardquestions because they're going
to come across you, aren't theyat some stage?
Maybe, maybe not, but at leastyou get an understanding of who
you're dealing with oh, let'sjust deal with one thing you've

(12:05):
just said now.

Speaker 2 (12:05):
But nobody gets through life without facing
serious challenges and again,they're all relative to how
robust and how prepared you areto deal with life events.
But yet, and if you choose todo it in a partnership, okay,
let's wrap it up with a truththat I hope you know.
This is the umbrella, and maybewe need to print it like this a

(12:28):
third of it is love, a third ofit is shared values and a third
of it it's a shared vision.
And if you consistently work onthat in your relationship
because love, do not rely on it.
Yeah, oh, I love them, as youknow.
I collect them, um, and, and Ilove being in love, but it's a

(12:50):
very dangerous road to put yourhat of your future and
commitment and confidence in alifetime relationship.
Just on love, because I don'tmean to upset you after all
these shows, but i've've fallenin love several times before I
met you.
Oh, yes, you know, if that wasit, I'd have been married
several times.

Speaker 1 (13:09):
I think we'd better leave it there.
Join us next time on BigQuestions Short Answers with
Sian Jacquet and me, andy.

Speaker 2 (13:20):
If you have any questions you want to ask,
please send them via the website.
Sianjacquet and me.
Andy.
If you have any questions youwant to ask, please send them
via the website sianjacquetcom.

Speaker 1 (13:27):
If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and
share it with everyone you know.

Speaker 2 (13:31):
We really do appreciate you sharing 15
minutes with us.

Speaker 1 (13:34):
And if you want to do a bit more learning, go on to
Sian's website sianjacquetcom.
There's a course on values tocreate the life you truly love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the can.

Speaker 2 (13:45):
See you next time.
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