August 6, 2024 • 14 mins
Can empathy really resolve workplace conflicts? This episode of Big Questions, Short Answers with Sian and Andy promises to arm you with the tools to address and manage conflicts effectively, whether you're leading a team or among colleagues. With Andy's wealth of experience in navigating disagreements without legal recourse, you'll gain insights into the power of listening and understanding different perspectives. We break down real-world scenarios to identify common pitfalls like miscommunication and unspoken expectations, offering practical techniques to transform conflict into collaboration.
From minor misunderstandings to serious disputes, Sian and Andy unpack the fundamental questions to ask when conflicts arise and share relatable examples to illustrate their points. Learn the importance of clear communication and how checking the understanding of tasks can prevent issues from escalating. This episode is packed with actionable advice and empathetic strategies to help you foster a more harmonious and productive work environment. Whether you're directly involved in a conflict or witnessing one, this discussion is essential listening for enhancing your conflict resolution skills.
For more content, check out Sian's website sianjaquet.com, and her online course: Create The Life You Truly Love.
www.sianjaquet.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What do I do?
Put my hand up.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
You ready?
You sure I'm ready, okay.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to Big Questions.
Short Answers.
I'm Sian.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And I'm Andy Sian's husband asking the big life
questions.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
And possibly adding a little bit of unsolicited
advice.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Maybe this podcast is brought to you by Sian's
value-based online course.
Visit sianjackeycom to find outmore.
On today's edition, we aregoing to talk about conflict,
something Shard has got a lot ofexperience of, both home and
abroad.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Well, you're not so bad yourself in the world of
conflict, but anyway go on.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
No, but you've got a lot of experience of conflict
and you manage to find,especially within business, you
manage to find a way in whichconflicts are resolved amicably
and normally without the use oflawyers.
Certainly this else, but we'retalking about business in terms
of resolving conflict in andthat happens a lot, doesn't it
(01:01):
in in business, inevitablyyou're going to get conflict.
It's about how to manage that.
I want to kind of work our waythrough that part.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
In 10 minutes you want me to cover the whole issue
of conflict at work.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
No, just to start with.
I mean I think we can go intothe stuff at home at a later
date, but just the idea ofconflict at work.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Well, how do you manage it if you're leading a
team, or even if you're part ofa team and you're being, you're
either the person who's havingthe conflict or you?
You know, you've got front rowseats because two of your
colleagues are just not rockingand rolling in the right way.
Well, the word that comes tomind is empathy, because if
anybody's going to step inbetween two people and you
(01:44):
should the only way I know to doit is to listen right.
Yeah, now there are techniquesto doing it right and, depending
on where that arc of howserious this is, yeah, there are
some fundamentals.
You know, if, yeah, let's sayone to ten and this is a two or
(02:05):
a three in my judgment yeah, Imight get both people to sit
down and we just have an openconversation.
But if you're over five andyou're hitting eight and nine in
conflict, then I'm stronglysuggesting sit with both of them
.
It's all about listening andgiving somebody empathy, because
anybody who is getting riled upaggravated whatever.
(02:26):
The bottom line is that theyhave a perspective of something
that is different.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I takeall the ack-ack out of it.
That's what it is about.
Well, when we feel like we'vebeen forced into responding to
something because it's wrong orwhatever, as human beings beings
(02:46):
really all we want is to beheard, is listen to my point of
view, listen to why I have cometo this conclusion.
I need somebody to approachthis, to give me the opportunity
to be heard it's very difficult, though, for like without
somebody in between.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Obviously, sometimes like with a you know it's a
triangle kind of works, but whenthere's just two people
battling it out, it's likereally difficult.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Well then, there are fundamental questions and again
I come back to listening, right,because most of us what what
reality is and what we perceiveto be happening.
There's usually a big gapbetween the two.
Yeah, um, in a working world,let's just use a very banal,
basic thing that somebody's beentasked to do a job and we come
(03:34):
back and the job hasn't beendone.
Yeah, right now, we've all beenthere, right?
And how do you respond to that?
yeah yeah, well, the first placeto respond is to check the
understanding of the processthat you've fallen.
Was that person aware that itneeded to be finished?
Because for me it was urgent.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Did I actually tell them it was urgent, Right?
I mean, if I'm honest, probablythe vast majority of conflict
that I've ever dealt with iswhere it's.
You know, we kind of it's notthe people hate each other and
don't work.
It's that truth.
And what they were task theywere given, is very different
(04:12):
you're doing an animation herewith your arms crossing crossing
over.
Do you know what I mean?
And it's um.
Again, from my experience, thelonger somebody is left to
fester with this sense ofinjustice, um, or that process
hasn't been followed, becausewhat we're actually talking
about is your core values.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Yeah, I spoke to somebody yesterday, right, a
client who there was quite asignificant conflict, yeah, and
the one member of staff raisedtheir voice and was quite
aggressive to the other memberof staff.
Now, if you step back andunpeel it, which is what I did
yesterday yeah, the one personwho was being shouted at kind of
(04:56):
emotionally respond and, youknow, got really quite upset in
the workplace.
Yeah, and this person is aleader, right, you know the
figurehead would be the best wayto say it, and they got really
upset because they felt they'dlet themselves down or that that
wasn't how you were supposed tobehave.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Like getting emotional with the other person.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
And I listened and we had a very real conversation
about it, and where we led towas what all of my beliefs are
that the reason she responded inthe way she did was because she
was poked, that the person wentfor one of her core values.
Right, yeah, and I'm tellingyou, if you truly live a
(05:41):
values-based life especially,you know, looking at the
workplace somebody challenges it.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
It is literally like being poked with a hot poker
right, yeah, because it's like Iwould not respond like that,
because that that's not who I amare you saying you've got no
idea of who I am and what I am?
Speaker 1 (05:58):
or appreciate, no, no , I appreciate, if that's the
right word, but you understandwhat I'm saying.
So conflict to the workplaceusually comes when there's a
disalignment of values.
One person thinks one thing,one thinks the other.
Yeah, um, so you know, the abcsare listening, listening,
listening.
I'm taking time to listen.
Don't do the grab you for fiveminutes.
(06:21):
Oh, this is an irritatingproblem.
I'll just give them two minutesof my time and shush it out of
my way.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Yeah because that's just gonna grow well it's.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
There is nothing more guaranteed to make somebody
resentful and to start layeringbeliefs.
Nobody cares, nobody listens.
This is a shit workingenvironment.
That's a shit boss.
This is a shit team.
Yeah, so you have to prioritizeit.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
And of course work kills will come out of that
meeting saying, oh you won'tbelieve, he just didn't give me
any fucking time at all, or 101,he didn't understand yeah
didn't even think I was going touse bad words there, didn't
even ask.
You know, I mean all that kindof stuff yeah, so in terms of,
like, the conflict it's, it's.
(07:09):
You've got to take the pressurecooker off to start with,
haven't you?
You know when people are reallyangry okay.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Well, you're sidestepping me now, so are you
asking me what do you do ifyou're in conflict with somebody
?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
well, that'll be if you're one of you not to say
I've been there, but I've beenthere.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
One of the one of the lead characters.
Yeah, just yeah.
Um well, again, I can give youthe one-on one right that if
there is a conflict situation,unless you're particularly
skilled at doing it and thereare people who are particularly
skilled at conflict you're verygood at that- am I what, what,
what do you mean at resolvingconflict or just having conflict
?
Having conflict, all right yeah, as soon as you are in a
(07:52):
conflict situation where yourinstincts tell you this is
stepping outside the boundariesof normal.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
The way you'll know that is that in your central
power base, in your gut, in yourstomach.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Right, that is where you will know it first, before
your brain even engages.
Right, yeah.
And if you can learn torecognize that, right, because
not everybody can think fastunder pressured situations,
right, yeah.
Um, and that's usually when itall goes to pear shape, because
not only are you in a conflict,disagreement situation, yeah,
(08:27):
you also are not on the frontfoot.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
you're not I'm not very good at that?
Speaker 1 (08:31):
no, you're not, I've been.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
She said um this other other situation good, but
not not that when you're underpressure and people are going,
yeah, I get like overawed, youknow, and and and the art,
there's one of two things.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
The first thing you do is you focus on the issue,
not the person.
Person, right, it's not about aperson, it's about the issue,
right.
But more importantly, you useyour own regulator to walk.
I mean nine times out of 10,right, nine times out of 10,.
My advice to anybody would beto say, okay, nine times out of
10,.
(09:08):
My advice to anybody would beas soon as your instinct tells
you, whoa this is, you knowwe're tipping into a very
different space here yeah havehave a place to go to even
practice it.
Yeah, which sounds and lookslike we're not going to resolve
this at the moment.
This is this isn't how weshould be communicating.
(09:31):
Let's take some time.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Time out Okay.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
And we'll circle back and you get up and you walk out
.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
And that makes a huge statement.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
But you Right.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
So either as the leader or as the employee, it
doesn't matter who you are, andit could be two employees that
are on the same level flickingburgers in McDonald's.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Yeah, taking time out .
Speaker 1 (09:53):
If the person you're communicating with ups the ante
to a point where your instinctis thinking, whoa, this is way
different than I can manage, oryeah, I thought it would be.
To walk is the most powerfulthing you can do, but then, like
you've walked, yeah right, sothat's just diffused it.
(10:14):
But then you then go and seeksupport from a senior member of
staff?
Yeah, you can use a colleague.
Again, I slightly concernedabout that because then people
through other values, likeloyalty and whatever, get
whipped up into it.
Oh, they can call you.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
OK, you can call me.
What I say to people is thefirst pit stop after you've got
yourself wound up in anysituation is a sanity check.
It's not about, am I right?
I need you to defend what I'vedone.
I need you to agree with me,which is, you know, we all kind
of go there, yeah, but when you,you know, if you actually focus
, and, and from an emotional,intelligent point of view, yeah,
(10:52):
it's about taking a step out ofit and looking at it for what
it is, not for how it makes youfeel.
Yeah, so going to speak tosomebody and say, you know me,
what were you?
The phrase I use, you know, canI have five minutes?
I just need a sanity check,right?
Yeah, this is what happened,this is what was said, this is
how I'm left feeling.
Have I lost my mind?
(11:13):
Yeah, I mean, I often do that.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
That's kind of the process that I've created, and
then I have a handful of youknow what I call my trusted
advisors yeah, yeah, because youreally don't want somebody to
say oh yeah, guy, yeah,absolutely by lip service,
because that's the problem windyou up, and that's the problem
if you go to your colleagues andyou, you know you're inviting
them to start having walk-onparts in a conflict that they
(11:38):
didn't come into work for.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
But again, I'm answering this question from
somebody who's managed teams inquite pressured environments.
But from a leader's point ofview, or if you are in charge of
a group of human beings inwhatever shape or form, even as
a parent, you need to give themthe opportunity to talk and not
tell them what they're thinkingor tell them what they've done
wrong.
You just need to listen, yeah,right, and then you move the
(12:09):
dial away from feeling to facts.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Right, yes, right.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Look, I mean I could go on for hours, but yet it's.
Your job is to take the ack,ack, ack out of it.
If you're a leader, yeah, andthe only way you can do that is
if people trust you to do it.
They're handing you the weapon,if you like.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
And leadership as you've said we haven't really
discussed this, but it'ssomething maybe we'll go on to
talk about is leadership doesn'tnecessarily mean that you're,
you know, the CEO or whatever.
It's taking a leadership rolein your own life.
So if you choose to walk out ofa meeting, you're taking a
leadership role in that, aren'tyou?
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Taking responsibility for who and what you are.
Yeah, now again it's how youwalk out the room.
Yes, yes, there are instancesof not sure throwing that
computer in the corner of theroom.
Was necessary part of exitingstage right, pursued by a bear.
You get my point.
(13:08):
Yeah, but all of us, you know,back in my career.
You know, all of us have got acouple of shadowy corners where
now we're a bit older and wiser.
You think, oh God, I shouldnever have done that.
Oh God, I got that wrong.
Yeah, got a couple of shadowycorners where now we're a bit
older and wiser.
You think, oh god, I shouldnever have done that.
Oh god, I got that wrong yeahbut nine times out of ten it's
because your values are beingchallenged and your sense, your
(13:30):
core sense of who you are, isbeing belittled or challenged or
rewritten or ignored orwhatever.
And that's why, just bylistening truly listening, and
making somebody feel you don'tjust look like you're leaning,
you create a whole place oftruly listening.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Brilliant.
All right, we'll leave thatthen.
I'm sure we'll circle back asthat awful phrase is at some
stage, because I think thataffects pretty much all our
daily lives.
Join us next time on BigQuestions, short Answers with
Sian Jacquet and me, andy.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
If you have any questions you want to ask,
please send them via the websiteshansjacquetcom.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and
share it with everyone you know.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
We really do appreciate you sharing 15
minutes with us.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
And if you want to do a bit more learning, go on to
Sian's website shansjacquetcom.
There's a course on values tocreate the life you truly love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the can.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
See you truly love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the can See you
next time.
What do I do?
Put my hand up.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
You ready?
You sure I'm ready, okay.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to Big Questions.
Short Answers.
I'm Sian.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And I'm Andy Sian's husband asking the big life
questions.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
And possibly adding a little bit of unsolicited
advice.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Maybe this podcast is brought to you by Sian's
value-based online course.
Visit sianjackeycom to find outmore.
On today's edition, we aregoing to talk about conflict,
something Shard has got a lot ofexperience of, both home and
abroad.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Well, you're not so bad yourself in the world of
conflict, but anyway go on.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
No, but you've got a lot of experience of conflict
and you manage to find,especially within business, you
manage to find a way in whichconflicts are resolved amicably
and normally without the use oflawyers.
Certainly this else, but we'retalking about business in terms
of resolving conflict in andthat happens a lot, doesn't it
(01:01):
in in business, inevitablyyou're going to get conflict.
It's about how to manage that.
I want to kind of work our waythrough that part.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
In 10 minutes you want me to cover the whole issue
of conflict at work.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
No, just to start with.
I mean I think we can go intothe stuff at home at a later
date, but just the idea ofconflict at work.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Well, how do you manage it if you're leading a
team, or even if you're part ofa team and you're being, you're
either the person who's havingthe conflict or you?
You know, you've got front rowseats because two of your
colleagues are just not rockingand rolling in the right way.
Well, the word that comes tomind is empathy, because if
anybody's going to step inbetween two people and you
(01:44):
should the only way I know to doit is to listen right.
Yeah, now there are techniquesto doing it right and, depending
on where that arc of howserious this is, yeah, there are
some fundamentals.
You know, if, yeah, let's sayone to ten and this is a two or
(02:05):
a three in my judgment yeah, Imight get both people to sit
down and we just have an openconversation.
But if you're over five andyou're hitting eight and nine in
conflict, then I'm stronglysuggesting sit with both of them
.
It's all about listening andgiving somebody empathy, because
anybody who is getting riled upaggravated whatever.
(02:26):
The bottom line is that theyhave a perspective of something
that is different.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I takeall the ack-ack out of it.
That's what it is about.
Well, when we feel like we'vebeen forced into responding to
something because it's wrong orwhatever, as human beings beings
(02:46):
really all we want is to beheard, is listen to my point of
view, listen to why I have cometo this conclusion.
I need somebody to approachthis, to give me the opportunity
to be heard it's very difficult, though, for like without
somebody in between.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Obviously, sometimes like with a you know it's a
triangle kind of works, but whenthere's just two people
battling it out, it's likereally difficult.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Well then, there are fundamental questions and again
I come back to listening, right,because most of us what what
reality is and what we perceiveto be happening.
There's usually a big gapbetween the two.
Yeah, um, in a working world,let's just use a very banal,
basic thing that somebody's beentasked to do a job and we come
(03:34):
back and the job hasn't beendone.
Yeah, right now, we've all beenthere, right?
And how do you respond to that?
yeah yeah, well, the first placeto respond is to check the
understanding of the processthat you've fallen.
Was that person aware that itneeded to be finished?
Because for me it was urgent.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Did I actually tell them it was urgent, Right?
I mean, if I'm honest, probablythe vast majority of conflict
that I've ever dealt with iswhere it's.
You know, we kind of it's notthe people hate each other and
don't work.
It's that truth.
And what they were task theywere given, is very different
(04:12):
you're doing an animation herewith your arms crossing crossing
over.
Do you know what I mean?
And it's um.
Again, from my experience, thelonger somebody is left to
fester with this sense ofinjustice, um, or that process
hasn't been followed, becausewhat we're actually talking
about is your core values.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Yeah, I spoke to somebody yesterday, right, a
client who there was quite asignificant conflict, yeah, and
the one member of staff raisedtheir voice and was quite
aggressive to the other memberof staff.
Now, if you step back andunpeel it, which is what I did
yesterday yeah, the one personwho was being shouted at kind of
(04:56):
emotionally respond and, youknow, got really quite upset in
the workplace.
Yeah, and this person is aleader, right, you know the
figurehead would be the best wayto say it, and they got really
upset because they felt they'dlet themselves down or that that
wasn't how you were supposed tobehave.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Like getting emotional with the other person.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
And I listened and we had a very real conversation
about it, and where we led towas what all of my beliefs are
that the reason she responded inthe way she did was because she
was poked, that the person wentfor one of her core values.
Right, yeah, and I'm tellingyou, if you truly live a
(05:41):
values-based life especially,you know, looking at the
workplace somebody challenges it.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
It is literally like being poked with a hot poker
right, yeah, because it's like Iwould not respond like that,
because that that's not who I amare you saying you've got no
idea of who I am and what I am?
Speaker 1 (05:58):
or appreciate, no, no , I appreciate, if that's the
right word, but you understandwhat I'm saying.
So conflict to the workplaceusually comes when there's a
disalignment of values.
One person thinks one thing,one thinks the other.
Yeah, um, so you know, the abcsare listening, listening,
listening.
I'm taking time to listen.
Don't do the grab you for fiveminutes.
(06:21):
Oh, this is an irritatingproblem.
I'll just give them two minutesof my time and shush it out of
my way.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Yeah because that's just gonna grow well it's.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
There is nothing more guaranteed to make somebody
resentful and to start layeringbeliefs.
Nobody cares, nobody listens.
This is a shit workingenvironment.
That's a shit boss.
This is a shit team.
Yeah, so you have to prioritizeit.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
And of course work kills will come out of that
meeting saying, oh you won'tbelieve, he just didn't give me
any fucking time at all, or 101,he didn't understand yeah
didn't even think I was going touse bad words there, didn't
even ask.
You know, I mean all that kindof stuff yeah, so in terms of,
like, the conflict it's, it's.
(07:09):
You've got to take the pressurecooker off to start with,
haven't you?
You know when people are reallyangry okay.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Well, you're sidestepping me now, so are you
asking me what do you do ifyou're in conflict with somebody
?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
well, that'll be if you're one of you not to say
I've been there, but I've beenthere.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
One of the one of the lead characters.
Yeah, just yeah.
Um well, again, I can give youthe one-on one right that if
there is a conflict situation,unless you're particularly
skilled at doing it and thereare people who are particularly
skilled at conflict you're verygood at that- am I what, what,
what do you mean at resolvingconflict or just having conflict
?
Having conflict, all right yeah, as soon as you are in a
(07:52):
conflict situation where yourinstincts tell you this is
stepping outside the boundariesof normal.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
The way you'll know that is that in your central
power base, in your gut, in yourstomach.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Right, that is where you will know it first, before
your brain even engages.
Right, yeah.
And if you can learn torecognize that, right, because
not everybody can think fastunder pressured situations,
right, yeah.
Um, and that's usually when itall goes to pear shape, because
not only are you in a conflict,disagreement situation, yeah,
(08:27):
you also are not on the frontfoot.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
you're not I'm not very good at that?
Speaker 1 (08:31):
no, you're not, I've been.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
She said um this other other situation good, but
not not that when you're underpressure and people are going,
yeah, I get like overawed, youknow, and and and the art,
there's one of two things.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
The first thing you do is you focus on the issue,
not the person.
Person, right, it's not about aperson, it's about the issue,
right.
But more importantly, you useyour own regulator to walk.
I mean nine times out of 10,right, nine times out of 10,.
My advice to anybody would beto say, okay, nine times out of
10,.
(09:08):
My advice to anybody would beas soon as your instinct tells
you, whoa this is, you knowwe're tipping into a very
different space here yeah havehave a place to go to even
practice it.
Yeah, which sounds and lookslike we're not going to resolve
this at the moment.
This is this isn't how weshould be communicating.
(09:31):
Let's take some time.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Time out Okay.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
And we'll circle back and you get up and you walk out
.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
And that makes a huge statement.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
But you Right.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
So either as the leader or as the employee, it
doesn't matter who you are, andit could be two employees that
are on the same level flickingburgers in McDonald's.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Yeah, taking time out .
Speaker 1 (09:53):
If the person you're communicating with ups the ante
to a point where your instinctis thinking, whoa, this is way
different than I can manage, oryeah, I thought it would be.
To walk is the most powerfulthing you can do, but then, like
you've walked, yeah right, sothat's just diffused it.
(10:14):
But then you then go and seeksupport from a senior member of
staff?
Yeah, you can use a colleague.
Again, I slightly concernedabout that because then people
through other values, likeloyalty and whatever, get
whipped up into it.
Oh, they can call you.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
OK, you can call me.
What I say to people is thefirst pit stop after you've got
yourself wound up in anysituation is a sanity check.
It's not about, am I right?
I need you to defend what I'vedone.
I need you to agree with me,which is, you know, we all kind
of go there, yeah, but when you,you know, if you actually focus
, and, and from an emotional,intelligent point of view, yeah,
(10:52):
it's about taking a step out ofit and looking at it for what
it is, not for how it makes youfeel.
Yeah, so going to speak tosomebody and say, you know me,
what were you?
The phrase I use, you know, canI have five minutes?
I just need a sanity check,right?
Yeah, this is what happened,this is what was said, this is
how I'm left feeling.
Have I lost my mind?
(11:13):
Yeah, I mean, I often do that.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
That's kind of the process that I've created, and
then I have a handful of youknow what I call my trusted
advisors yeah, yeah, because youreally don't want somebody to
say oh yeah, guy, yeah,absolutely by lip service,
because that's the problem windyou up, and that's the problem
if you go to your colleagues andyou, you know you're inviting
them to start having walk-onparts in a conflict that they
(11:38):
didn't come into work for.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
But again, I'm answering this question from
somebody who's managed teams inquite pressured environments.
But from a leader's point ofview, or if you are in charge of
a group of human beings inwhatever shape or form, even as
a parent, you need to give themthe opportunity to talk and not
tell them what they're thinkingor tell them what they've done
wrong.
You just need to listen, yeah,right, and then you move the
(12:09):
dial away from feeling to facts.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Right, yes, right.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Look, I mean I could go on for hours, but yet it's.
Your job is to take the ack,ack, ack out of it.
If you're a leader, yeah, andthe only way you can do that is
if people trust you to do it.
They're handing you the weapon,if you like.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
And leadership as you've said we haven't really
discussed this, but it'ssomething maybe we'll go on to
talk about is leadership doesn'tnecessarily mean that you're,
you know, the CEO or whatever.
It's taking a leadership rolein your own life.
So if you choose to walk out ofa meeting, you're taking a
leadership role in that, aren'tyou?
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Taking responsibility for who and what you are.
Yeah, now again it's how youwalk out the room.
Yes, yes, there are instancesof not sure throwing that
computer in the corner of theroom.
Was necessary part of exitingstage right, pursued by a bear.
You get my point.
(13:08):
Yeah, but all of us, you know,back in my career.
You know, all of us have got acouple of shadowy corners where
now we're a bit older and wiser.
You think, oh God, I shouldnever have done that.
Oh God, I got that wrong.
Yeah, got a couple of shadowycorners where now we're a bit
older and wiser.
You think, oh god, I shouldnever have done that.
Oh god, I got that wrong yeahbut nine times out of ten it's
because your values are beingchallenged and your sense, your
(13:30):
core sense of who you are, isbeing belittled or challenged or
rewritten or ignored orwhatever.
And that's why, just bylistening truly listening, and
making somebody feel you don'tjust look like you're leaning,
you create a whole place oftruly listening.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Brilliant.
All right, we'll leave thatthen.
I'm sure we'll circle back asthat awful phrase is at some
stage, because I think thataffects pretty much all our
daily lives.
Join us next time on BigQuestions, short Answers with
Sian Jacquet and me, andy.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
If you have any questions you want to ask,
please send them via the websiteshansjacquetcom.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and
share it with everyone you know.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
We really do appreciate you sharing 15
minutes with us.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
And if you want to do a bit more learning, go on to
Sian's website shansjacquetcom.
There's a course on values tocreate the life you truly love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the can.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
See you truly love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the can See you
next time.
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