July 23, 2024 • 10 mins
Can failing to actively listen truly erode trust and disengage younger employees? Discover why being fully present in conversations can transform your relationships and leadership style. In this episode of "Big Questions, Short Answers," we discuss the critical role of active listening in various settings, from personal connections to managerial interactions. Learn how taking a moment to clear your headspace can lead to better communication and problem-solving. We share a personal story that underscores how the failure to listen can result in distrust and disengagement, particularly among the younger workforce. True leadership is about making your team feel heard, and we explore practical ways to achieve this.
Join us, Sian Jaquet and Andy, as we tackle life's big questions in a concise, impactful 15-minute format. Submit your queries on Sian's website, sianjaquet.com, and don't forget to subscribe and share our podcast if you enjoy these thought-provoking discussions. For listeners eager to deepen their understanding of values, we highly recommend Sian's transformative course available at sianjaquet.com, which has been life-changing for me. Tune in and enhance your perspective on life and relationships through our engaging and meaningful conversations.
For more content, check out Sian's website sianjaquet.com, and her online course: Create The Life You Truly Love.
www.sianjaquet.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Right, I'm going to be present in this one.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Smart house.
Welcome to Big Questions, ShortAnswers.
I'm Sian.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
And I'm Andy Sian's husband asking the big life
questions.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
And possibly adding a little bit of unsolicited
advice.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
This podcast is brought to you by Sian's
value-based online course.
Visit SianJackaycom to find outmore.
Okay, in the last conversationwe had, we were talking about
being present in a relationship,but actually being present in a
relationship, what we can talkabout is actually all
relationships really like from abusiness perspective and from a
(00:41):
management perspective as well,or just from a even if you're
managing up in terms of thoseconversations you need to have
with a manager, or indeed, youare the manager and you're
having conversations with your,your staff.
So we talked about trying toframe those conversations as
well.
I would like to talk abouttrying to frame those
conversations as well, because Ithink, especially today, when
(01:04):
it's like people don't have timeand also people are very Well,
you do actually have time, butyou layer that thought I don't
have time, I'm in a rush, Idon't have time, I'm in a bad
rush.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
So, again, if you're talking about being present, you
have to deal with yourheadspace before you open your
gob.
I know there are times when Ido this.
I've got 36 things going on inmy head and I will use a certain
tone of voice to say stop andlisten to me, I'll say what I've
got to say.
And then I'm present in themoment, but probably not as
(01:37):
present as I should be.
Right, because we're time poor.
But in the workplace, certainlyif you're managing any human
being in any way, shape or form,or providing service for that
matter if you are able to takethat split second to actually
tell yourself I am going tolisten.
And I think the trick is thatit's the next bit that you say
(02:02):
in your head I am going tolisten because I am going to
learn something that is going tomove this boat forward.
Yes, whatever the situation isand that's actually the Willy
Wonka golden ticket in this thatnine times out of ten, if you
stop and you really listen, youwill see a risk, you will solve
(02:22):
a problem, you will see it froma different angle.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Yes, it is perspective, isn't it a lot of
the time because you're comingin with one perspective until
and often there's an underlyingthing that you may not be aware
of?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, and the way in which you can confirm to
somebody that you are listeningis by asking a question.
How simple is that is that thequestion?
well, it's sorry.
We all more than like weactually need to be listened to,
(03:00):
your mental health and yoursense of self.
It's not on added extra.
If you manage human beings,it's a fundamental that the
people you manage believe, bythe evidence of the way that you
communicate with them, that youare listened to doesn't
necessarily mean you'd agreedwith right.
Yeah, it's a very differentthing.
(03:20):
But if you have a conversationat work, you know both you and I
between us we've got 60-oddyears of working under our belts
.
Yeah, how many times have youhad a difficult, challenging
conversation but because youbelieved that you were listened
(03:41):
to, you came out feeling okay,yeah, yeah, I've got the answer
you want yeah I mean, one of ourkids wanted had a chat with me
and said look, my mom, you knowthis.
This, this isn't right at work.
Da da, da, ddd.
And I said look, we'll speak tothe managers, speak to the more
senior people.
I said, but don't do it in.
Uh, here's my list of things.
(04:02):
Whatever, ask for a cup ofcoffee, sit down and just have a
chat about it.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Because there's an art to that.
Yes, that you don't makeeverything bigger than Ben-Hur,
right?
Can you explain to me?
This is how I'm feeling.
This is what's happening for me, whatever.
Anyway, long story short, giventhat I do this for a living
Right, this particular child ofours went and had this
conversation with somebody quitesenior up in the organization,
(04:31):
who sat there, who clearlydidn't listen, who talked over,
who belittled everything thatwas being said, then had the
gall that's the word I want touse today gall to say leave it
with.
Leave it with me, I'll sort itall right and I'll be back with
you within the next few daysafter I've got a plan.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
It didn't happen.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Well, the first thing our child said to me when he
rang me to set up a conversationwas before.
I tell you what was said Mum, Idon't believe a word, right.
Yeah, right, and this happensso often, and that's I mean.
That is exactly an example,right.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
It happens so many places, up and down, every
country, every organisation.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
And I'll turn that even further, right.
I mean, as you, you know,predominantly I'm working with
senior leaders, not always right, but I'm working with senior
leaders and that's really thefundamental that differentiates
them the ones that will sit downand talk to you and listen to
you, not take on all yourproblems and solve your word for
me.
For you, that's not humanlypossible.
(05:33):
But the ones that listen withouta shadow of a doubt, yeah, have
a highly functioning, much morecommercially worth human beings
around them who lean in andmake shit happen at work yeah,
yeah you know I can't, I can'toverstate it enough, but
literally, whoever you'releading, whatever you're doing,
(05:56):
if you sit there and trulylisten and they feel and believe
that you have listened, that'show you get people to put a
ladle of extra that they aren'tpaid for, that they want to lean
in, that they feel listened to.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yeah, Because these 20, 30-year-olds, they're not
going to stick around, are they?
If they don't feel that they'rebeing?
Speaker 2 (06:14):
listened to.
Well, look, I'm reluctant to bedragged down that rabbit hole.
You know these 30-year-olds.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Well, they won't put up and those 60-year-olds who
can't listen.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Yeah, that's true.
Right, so don't.
It's about your emotionalintelligence and it's about how
you learn to A find your voice,to put your hand up, to ask for
guidance and help, but, moreimportantly, understanding that
you might not be able to payanybody anymore, you might not
be able to promote them, youmight not be able to give them
the training, you might not beable to do any of the things
(06:48):
that somebody is asking for you,but if they felt listened to
and they feel that theirconcerns had there was an
integrity in the way in whichyou held that conversation, then
you create a culture.
Yeah, yeah, listening is aculture.
You know, when people say workcultures, right, I mean, it's
lovely if you've got all theextra stuff.
(07:09):
Yeah, yeah, but fundamentally,just a healthy working culture
is being listened to.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I'm listening, oh, you are.
So I think, because we startedoff talking about this, about
being present, and it's comedown to basically that idea of
listening and honing in onsomething, and it doesn't have
to be overbearing or anything ofthat nature, it's just a case
of as if you feel like you're inthe same space, you just you're
(07:40):
gonna laugh at that, right, butI have on occasion, probably
more than once, thinking it nowprobably into double digits.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
There have been times over the last 30 years, I have
said to people, whether theywere five years old or 75 years
old, I have literally said tohelp you stop the spinning in
your head and to actually listento what's going on.
Yes, think of literally.
You're giving somebody apresent before you open your
(08:08):
mouth.
Right, giving you a present,and the present I'm giving you
is that I am opening my ears tolisten to you.
Yeah, it's just enough that,because we all learn in
different ways, there'sdifferent things that resonate.
Yeah, but when you stop and youthink for a moment I'm going to
give this person a present, Iam going to give them my
presence, I am going to stop,the whole world is going to stop
(08:30):
and I am going to be there andlisten.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Excellent, oh, thanks .
Well, I hope that's going tostop and I am going to be there
and listen.
Excellent, well, thanks.
Well, I hope that's going to bevery useful to everyone out
there, because I think thatAgain, let me tell you that
there isn't a switch.
There isn't, it's not you knowWell, there isn't a listening
switch.
No, okay.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
It is.
You have to learn how to do itand you do it bit by bit by bit.
So what I would say is startwith having a conversation and
listening and actually identifythat you are listening.
And then reflecting back whatthe other person is actually
saying.
If your awareness they call itin coaching psychology, I
believe, but certainly call itin coaching it is below the line
(09:12):
listening.
you're not listening just to theyou are truly present in the
way that you're listening,because in my world it's it's as
much what people don't say asthey do say and I have to hear
that another side of it, though,where you have.
I have to, yeah, but I have tohear that that's my job to
listen there.
I have to hear that that's myjob to listen there.
I have to listen at a levelthat I can hear what's not being
(09:35):
said, and my job is to makesomebody feel safe in that
moment, and I don't knowanything that's more profound
than somebody truly believingthat you are listening to them.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Join us next time on Big Questions Short with sean
jacquet and me, andy if you haveany questions you want to ask,
please send them via the websitesean jacquetcom if you enjoyed
this podcast, please subscribeand share it with everyone you
know we really do appreciate yousharing 15 minutes with us and
(10:10):
if you want to do a bit morelearning, go on to Sian's
website siiansjackaycom.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
There's a course on values to create life you truly
love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the can.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
See you next time.
Right, I'm going to be present in this one.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Smart house.
Welcome to Big Questions, ShortAnswers.
I'm Sian.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
And I'm Andy Sian's husband asking the big life
questions.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
And possibly adding a little bit of unsolicited
advice.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
This podcast is brought to you by Sian's
value-based online course.
Visit SianJackaycom to find outmore.
Okay, in the last conversationwe had, we were talking about
being present in a relationship,but actually being present in a
relationship, what we can talkabout is actually all
relationships really like from abusiness perspective and from a
(00:41):
management perspective as well,or just from a even if you're
managing up in terms of thoseconversations you need to have
with a manager, or indeed, youare the manager and you're
having conversations with your,your staff.
So we talked about trying toframe those conversations as
well.
I would like to talk abouttrying to frame those
conversations as well, because Ithink, especially today, when
(01:04):
it's like people don't have timeand also people are very Well,
you do actually have time, butyou layer that thought I don't
have time, I'm in a rush, Idon't have time, I'm in a bad
rush.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
So, again, if you're talking about being present, you
have to deal with yourheadspace before you open your
gob.
I know there are times when Ido this.
I've got 36 things going on inmy head and I will use a certain
tone of voice to say stop andlisten to me, I'll say what I've
got to say.
And then I'm present in themoment, but probably not as
(01:37):
present as I should be.
Right, because we're time poor.
But in the workplace, certainlyif you're managing any human
being in any way, shape or form,or providing service for that
matter if you are able to takethat split second to actually
tell yourself I am going tolisten.
And I think the trick is thatit's the next bit that you say
(02:02):
in your head I am going tolisten because I am going to
learn something that is going tomove this boat forward.
Yes, whatever the situation isand that's actually the Willy
Wonka golden ticket in this thatnine times out of ten, if you
stop and you really listen, youwill see a risk, you will solve
(02:22):
a problem, you will see it froma different angle.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Yes, it is perspective, isn't it a lot of
the time because you're comingin with one perspective until
and often there's an underlyingthing that you may not be aware
of?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, and the way in which you can confirm to
somebody that you are listeningis by asking a question.
How simple is that is that thequestion?
well, it's sorry.
We all more than like weactually need to be listened to,
(03:00):
your mental health and yoursense of self.
It's not on added extra.
If you manage human beings,it's a fundamental that the
people you manage believe, bythe evidence of the way that you
communicate with them, that youare listened to doesn't
necessarily mean you'd agreedwith right.
Yeah, it's a very differentthing.
(03:20):
But if you have a conversationat work, you know both you and I
between us we've got 60-oddyears of working under our belts
.
Yeah, how many times have youhad a difficult, challenging
conversation but because youbelieved that you were listened
(03:41):
to, you came out feeling okay,yeah, yeah, I've got the answer
you want yeah I mean, one of ourkids wanted had a chat with me
and said look, my mom, you knowthis.
This, this isn't right at work.
Da da, da, ddd.
And I said look, we'll speak tothe managers, speak to the more
senior people.
I said, but don't do it in.
Uh, here's my list of things.
(04:02):
Whatever, ask for a cup ofcoffee, sit down and just have a
chat about it.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Because there's an art to that.
Yes, that you don't makeeverything bigger than Ben-Hur,
right?
Can you explain to me?
This is how I'm feeling.
This is what's happening for me, whatever.
Anyway, long story short, giventhat I do this for a living
Right, this particular child ofours went and had this
conversation with somebody quitesenior up in the organization,
(04:31):
who sat there, who clearlydidn't listen, who talked over,
who belittled everything thatwas being said, then had the
gall that's the word I want touse today gall to say leave it
with.
Leave it with me, I'll sort itall right and I'll be back with
you within the next few daysafter I've got a plan.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
It didn't happen.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Well, the first thing our child said to me when he
rang me to set up a conversationwas before.
I tell you what was said Mum, Idon't believe a word, right.
Yeah, right, and this happensso often, and that's I mean.
That is exactly an example,right.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
It happens so many places, up and down, every
country, every organisation.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
And I'll turn that even further, right.
I mean, as you, you know,predominantly I'm working with
senior leaders, not always right, but I'm working with senior
leaders and that's really thefundamental that differentiates
them the ones that will sit downand talk to you and listen to
you, not take on all yourproblems and solve your word for
me.
For you, that's not humanlypossible.
(05:33):
But the ones that listen withouta shadow of a doubt, yeah, have
a highly functioning, much morecommercially worth human beings
around them who lean in andmake shit happen at work yeah,
yeah you know I can't, I can'toverstate it enough, but
literally, whoever you'releading, whatever you're doing,
(05:56):
if you sit there and trulylisten and they feel and believe
that you have listened, that'show you get people to put a
ladle of extra that they aren'tpaid for, that they want to lean
in, that they feel listened to.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yeah, Because these 20, 30-year-olds, they're not
going to stick around, are they?
If they don't feel that they'rebeing?
Speaker 2 (06:14):
listened to.
Well, look, I'm reluctant to bedragged down that rabbit hole.
You know these 30-year-olds.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Well, they won't put up and those 60-year-olds who
can't listen.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Yeah, that's true.
Right, so don't.
It's about your emotionalintelligence and it's about how
you learn to A find your voice,to put your hand up, to ask for
guidance and help, but, moreimportantly, understanding that
you might not be able to payanybody anymore, you might not
be able to promote them, youmight not be able to give them
the training, you might not beable to do any of the things
(06:48):
that somebody is asking for you,but if they felt listened to
and they feel that theirconcerns had there was an
integrity in the way in whichyou held that conversation, then
you create a culture.
Yeah, yeah, listening is aculture.
You know, when people say workcultures, right, I mean, it's
lovely if you've got all theextra stuff.
(07:09):
Yeah, yeah, but fundamentally,just a healthy working culture
is being listened to.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I'm listening, oh, you are.
So I think, because we startedoff talking about this, about
being present, and it's comedown to basically that idea of
listening and honing in onsomething, and it doesn't have
to be overbearing or anything ofthat nature, it's just a case
of as if you feel like you're inthe same space, you just you're
(07:40):
gonna laugh at that, right, butI have on occasion, probably
more than once, thinking it nowprobably into double digits.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
There have been times over the last 30 years, I have
said to people, whether theywere five years old or 75 years
old, I have literally said tohelp you stop the spinning in
your head and to actually listento what's going on.
Yes, think of literally.
You're giving somebody apresent before you open your
(08:08):
mouth.
Right, giving you a present,and the present I'm giving you
is that I am opening my ears tolisten to you.
Yeah, it's just enough that,because we all learn in
different ways, there'sdifferent things that resonate.
Yeah, but when you stop and youthink for a moment I'm going to
give this person a present, Iam going to give them my
presence, I am going to stop,the whole world is going to stop
(08:30):
and I am going to be there andlisten.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Excellent, oh, thanks .
Well, I hope that's going tostop and I am going to be there
and listen.
Excellent, well, thanks.
Well, I hope that's going to bevery useful to everyone out
there, because I think thatAgain, let me tell you that
there isn't a switch.
There isn't, it's not you knowWell, there isn't a listening
switch.
No, okay.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
It is.
You have to learn how to do itand you do it bit by bit by bit.
So what I would say is startwith having a conversation and
listening and actually identifythat you are listening.
And then reflecting back whatthe other person is actually
saying.
If your awareness they call itin coaching psychology, I
believe, but certainly call itin coaching it is below the line
(09:12):
listening.
you're not listening just to theyou are truly present in the
way that you're listening,because in my world it's it's as
much what people don't say asthey do say and I have to hear
that another side of it, though,where you have.
I have to, yeah, but I have tohear that that's my job to
listen there.
I have to hear that that's myjob to listen there.
I have to listen at a levelthat I can hear what's not being
(09:35):
said, and my job is to makesomebody feel safe in that
moment, and I don't knowanything that's more profound
than somebody truly believingthat you are listening to them.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Join us next time on Big Questions Short with sean
jacquet and me, andy if you haveany questions you want to ask,
please send them via the websitesean jacquetcom if you enjoyed
this podcast, please subscribeand share it with everyone you
know we really do appreciate yousharing 15 minutes with us and
(10:10):
if you want to do a bit morelearning, go on to Sian's
website siiansjackaycom.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
There's a course on values to create life you truly
love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the can.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
See you next time.
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