October 8, 2024 • 10 mins
What would you do if an old flame suddenly reached out on social media? On this episode of Big Questions, Short Answers, we explore the complexities and potential pitfalls of reconnecting with an ex online, especially when you're currently married with children. Join us as we respond to Cynthia's frantic email about receiving a friend request from an ex-boyfriend. We dissect the anxieties that may bubble up, discuss feelings of disloyalty, and dive into the impact on your present relationship.
Trust, open communication, and assessing the true intentions behind such reconnections are at the forefront of our discussion. Should you click "accept," or could this lead to opening Pandora's box of unresolved emotions? With personal anecdotes and practical advice, we provide thoughtful reflections and actionable steps for anyone navigating this digital dilemma. Tune in for a candid conversation that aims to help you maintain healthy, transparent relationships in the age of social media.
For more content, check out Sian's website sianjaquet.com, and her online course: Create The Life You Truly Love.
www.sianjaquet.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okie doke.
Oh, another email Excellent.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome to Big Questions.
Short Answers.
I'm Sian.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
And I'm Andy Sian's husband asking the big life
questions.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
And possibly adding a little bit of unsolicited
advice.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Maybe this podcast is brought to you by Sian's
value-based online course.
Visit SianJackaycom to find outmore.
We've had another email from aCynthia, and she says panic,
panic, panic.
She has got a friend requestfrom an old boyfriend.
(00:39):
She's married a couple of kids.
She says, and she says what doI do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
Do I say yes, yes, I want to bea friend with my old, old
boyfriend.
She's smiling at me.
You've probably got hundreds inyour bloody Facebook.
(00:59):
I don't want to say hundredsbut do you know something?
Speaker 2 (01:02):
If somebody is asking that question, do you know
where my mind goes?
Married kids issues in arelationship.
The first door I would open iswhat's creating the anxiety of
what is it?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
I suppose, yeah, I suppose.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Somebody who you've known 10, 15, whatever years ago
has pressed a button to saybecome a friend.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
What on earth are you panicking about?
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Well, I think potentially, because I've been
through it myself.
You get these connections, butthere's that feeling oh, am I
being disloyal?
Lovely, We've got to the nub ofit, Mary.
I'm being disloyal by acceptingthis friend.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Well, the answer's very quick and very easy, is it?
It's about the depth androbustness of your relationship
and how important are the valueswithin your relationship, and
where that relationship is goingat the time.
Is trust and open sharing athing, or is it not?
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I don't think I've got an order of.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
You did.
You learned Two or three times.
Oh, look here and you've shownme the picture and you're then
walking into a world of.
Of course, you want to look attheir photographs and see how
old they are and who theirpartner is and what they're
doing.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
That's just human nature.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
There's nothing wrong in that A little bit of
judgment always good.
The fear is based on.
I think.
Well, you know again whichPandora's box is you opening.
You know if it's somebody inthe past that you're still
carrying a torch through andyou're already in an established
relationship.
I'd just tell you straight nope, move away, move away from the
(02:47):
accept button.
Yeah, who do you want to invitethat drama into your world?
Unless the relationship you'rein you don't want?
I mean, this is degeneratedvery fast.
Well, if that's the point, thenI would say, cynthia, what's
going on in your life?
You have a moral obligation tosit down with the person who you
know.
My 101 on this, right again, Ibelieve what is your?
(03:10):
That people fall in love,people get attracted to other
people.
It's perfectly, it's human,it's normal, it's all of those
things right, but that doesn'tgive you permission to do it.
What it?
What it is is aboutcommunicating that with the
person you're in a relationshipwith, right?
So, if you come back to thesocial media, it's about trust.
What I would say is, if youcan't find the picture in your
(03:33):
head, you can't create thatimmediate vision of sitting down
with your partner and sayinghave a look at this.
Whoa, look, who's trying tocontact me?
Well, you didn't even know, butthere's somebody from the oh,
he lost his hair, right, but oh,you didn't even know.
But there's somebody from the.
Oh, he lost his hair, you'reright, but he's actually making
a statement more about yourrelationship.
Yeah, I think that there are afew filters, which would be
probably very basic butrecommended.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Yeah, the first filter is what's the agenda?
Is it as simple as they've seenme?
They pressed a button or arethere unresolved issues?
Was there something that didn'tactually have a closure?
Just be very careful thatyou're not being you know
somebody's not fishing to bringyou into a situation that really
(04:18):
you know that boat sailed.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Like, for example, that guy that's putting this
friend to rest.
He might have been recentlyseparated, divorced.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I don't know I mean you look at, I'd love to hear
your mind work.
It could be perfectly innocentand genuine and a reaching out
of connecting and friendship.
Yeah, but the good thing aboutsocial media is that it's not
happening in your living room,is it so you can cut it off and
walk away?
What I would say is you do needto sit there and filter.
(04:48):
What is the agenda here?
Right, and do I want to invitethis into my life?
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yeah, and what your partner from both sides of
course, what your partner islike.
I mean, if there's some kind ofstalky, jealous type, I mean it
just doesn't like to keep.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Well, you're talking about a whole different world
there.
I mean, all I can do is youknow, one of our fundamental
values of our relationship isloyalty and trust.
Absolutely Right.
I would never have married youif you weren't loyal and I
couldn't trust you.
And I can distinctly remember,you know, literally the day you
asked me to marry me.
You know there were some veryreal conversations we had for
about two to three weeksafterwards when I pulled out
(05:26):
loads of questions that weneeded to have very serious
discussions about, and I canliterally remember us talking
about that.
You know what happens if youmeet somebody and you think, oh,
yeah, and you know, whatever,my view hasn't changed.
You know, if that happens well,will I be sad?
Hasn't changed.
Yeah, you know, if that happenswell, will I be sad, will I be
angry?
Will I have something to sayabout it?
(05:46):
then I think yeah, but myexpectation is that we extricate
ourselves from one relationshipbefore we start another yeah
because if you come to me andsay I have met somebody I think
I have feelings for will, I findthat absolutely devastating.
Yeah, of course right.
But if you're telling me, butI've done nothing about it, but
we need to separate, do you knowwhat I mean?
I don't want to make this morethan it is, but fundamentally,
(06:09):
Cynthia.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
why do you bring this up?
She's talking about separating.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Well, I'll be under no illusion.
You play away from it and Iwill destroy you, it's true, but
you know she's.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
I mean, I think what we're saying here is that If
it's open, yeah, yeah, yeah, ifyou can close, open about it
there's nothing wrong with it atall.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Yeah, yeah, and having a teaspoon of salacious
interest in what the hell arethey doing is pretty normal.
There's nothing wrong with anyof that?
I don't think, and I've done itevery now and again, you know.
I've put a name in and thoughtI think.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
I mean the benefit for us.
We're the other side of theworld to our former relationship
, so they're not going to turnoff at the front door, are they?
I don't know what the story iswith Cynthia.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
So, cynthia, the bottom line is, if there's no
agenda in this and you canopenly discuss it with your
partner, then go for gold.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
But I do believe you have to take your partner's
feelings and opinions into thatconsideration, otherwise you are
inviting yeah, trouble, you'regoing down a very dark double
travel I mean, there was this,this program that's on tv, which
I think is just bonkers, ofthis one where they invite three
(07:26):
people in the relationship andthey kind of fight it out.
Have you seen that?
It's called Reality TV?
Oh my God, they're just.
How on earth would you putyourself in that situation,
apart from Instagram followers?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Maybe because you don't believe in lifetime
monogamous relationships?
Yeah Right, that's a wholedifferent podcast, but you know
it's nuts.
You know we were brought up ina world where it wasn't a thing.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Death to us both.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Not sooner than later .
It's an inhale.
Why do you chortle like that?
So, yes, cynthia, go for gold,but don't do it in a vacuum,
because it will not work outwell.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
There you go, cynthia .
I hope that's useful and youwon't be writing to us in a
couple of months time sayingwhat do I do with my divorce?
Oh, then again, it might be apositive thing for you.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Well, that's a whole other conversation.
But let's be absolutely clear.
You know, if you were in arelationship with somebody who
has a very visceral response toyou being contacted by somebody
out of the blue, yeah.
You probably need to sit downand have a little think about
what exactly are you dealingwith here.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Because sticking with somebody through thick and thin
isn't always the best thingVery often not.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Well, that's a whole different conversation.
What you're talking about istrust.
Yeah, do you trust somebody?
Yeah, right.
So if you said to me thisafternoon oh, I've had a phone
call your ex yeah, girlfriend,that I was, you know, 50 years
ago or whatever, 40, 50 yearsago, I was at you in the years
how old?
am I very that they're comingover to new zealand and I've
(08:59):
been invited to go and meet them.
I can't go.
I've been invited, but I andmeet them.
I can't go.
I've been invited, but I can'tgo because I'm working.
Would I say to you well, youcan't go?
No, absolutely not.
I'd go for golf.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Yeah, yeah, I know you would, because we have a
very solid relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
It doesn't, it doesn't, it's not, it's not even
a thing.
I would find that exciting foryou.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
And I suppose I'm secure enough in myself to not
think he's going to go there andthink, oh, I made the right
choice.
Do you come back and say, oh, Ithink I made the right choice.
I think, well, let me help you.
Where is she?
Off you go and being quitefacetious, yeah, but it's
interesting, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Because that question that she's asked is it opens up
a lot of doors, doesn't it?
Speaker 2 (09:42):
It's not really about somebody that's reached out out
of nowhere.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
No, not at all.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
That's either there's a very real agenda there or
it's just an innocent press that, oh, I wonder what they're
doing.
Let me have a look at theirphotographs.
How are they doing?
Speaker 1 (09:54):
But it's down to her to think about her Absolutely,
her relationship and what's.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Yeah, and I think nine times out of ten.
If you're stopping there andyou're thinking, was this the
right thing to do, you'reprobably reflecting back into
the past and there's someunresolved issues there, unless
you're married to a controlfreak.
But let's not even open that.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
All right, Brilliant Well.
Hope it goes well, Cynthia, andwe'll leave it there.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Let us know.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Join us next time on Big Questions.
Short Answers with Sian Jacquetand me, andy.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
If you have any questions you want to ask,
please send them via the websitesiansjacquetcom.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and
share it with everyone you know.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
We really do appreciate you sharing 15
minutes with us.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
And if you want to do a bit more learning, go on to
Sian's website siiansjackaycom.
There's a course on values tocreate the life you truly love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the.
Can See you next time.
Okie doke.
Oh, another email Excellent.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome to Big Questions.
Short Answers.
I'm Sian.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
And I'm Andy Sian's husband asking the big life
questions.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
And possibly adding a little bit of unsolicited
advice.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Maybe this podcast is brought to you by Sian's
value-based online course.
Visit SianJackaycom to find outmore.
We've had another email from aCynthia, and she says panic,
panic, panic.
She has got a friend requestfrom an old boyfriend.
(00:39):
She's married a couple of kids.
She says, and she says what doI do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
Do I say yes, yes, I want to bea friend with my old, old
boyfriend.
She's smiling at me.
You've probably got hundreds inyour bloody Facebook.
(00:59):
I don't want to say hundredsbut do you know something?
Speaker 2 (01:02):
If somebody is asking that question, do you know
where my mind goes?
Married kids issues in arelationship.
The first door I would open iswhat's creating the anxiety of
what is it?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
I suppose, yeah, I suppose.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Somebody who you've known 10, 15, whatever years ago
has pressed a button to saybecome a friend.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
What on earth are you panicking about?
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Well, I think potentially, because I've been
through it myself.
You get these connections, butthere's that feeling oh, am I
being disloyal?
Lovely, We've got to the nub ofit, Mary.
I'm being disloyal by acceptingthis friend.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Well, the answer's very quick and very easy, is it?
It's about the depth androbustness of your relationship
and how important are the valueswithin your relationship, and
where that relationship is goingat the time.
Is trust and open sharing athing, or is it not?
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I don't think I've got an order of.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
You did.
You learned Two or three times.
Oh, look here and you've shownme the picture and you're then
walking into a world of.
Of course, you want to look attheir photographs and see how
old they are and who theirpartner is and what they're
doing.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
That's just human nature.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
There's nothing wrong in that A little bit of
judgment always good.
The fear is based on.
I think.
Well, you know again whichPandora's box is you opening.
You know if it's somebody inthe past that you're still
carrying a torch through andyou're already in an established
relationship.
I'd just tell you straight nope, move away, move away from the
(02:47):
accept button.
Yeah, who do you want to invitethat drama into your world?
Unless the relationship you'rein you don't want?
I mean, this is degeneratedvery fast.
Well, if that's the point, thenI would say, cynthia, what's
going on in your life?
You have a moral obligation tosit down with the person who you
know.
My 101 on this, right again, Ibelieve what is your?
(03:10):
That people fall in love,people get attracted to other
people.
It's perfectly, it's human,it's normal, it's all of those
things right, but that doesn'tgive you permission to do it.
What it?
What it is is aboutcommunicating that with the
person you're in a relationshipwith, right?
So, if you come back to thesocial media, it's about trust.
What I would say is, if youcan't find the picture in your
(03:33):
head, you can't create thatimmediate vision of sitting down
with your partner and sayinghave a look at this.
Whoa, look, who's trying tocontact me?
Well, you didn't even know, butthere's somebody from the oh,
he lost his hair, right, but oh,you didn't even know.
But there's somebody from the.
Oh, he lost his hair, you'reright, but he's actually making
a statement more about yourrelationship.
Yeah, I think that there are afew filters, which would be
probably very basic butrecommended.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Yeah, the first filter is what's the agenda?
Is it as simple as they've seenme?
They pressed a button or arethere unresolved issues?
Was there something that didn'tactually have a closure?
Just be very careful thatyou're not being you know
somebody's not fishing to bringyou into a situation that really
(04:18):
you know that boat sailed.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Like, for example, that guy that's putting this
friend to rest.
He might have been recentlyseparated, divorced.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I don't know I mean you look at, I'd love to hear
your mind work.
It could be perfectly innocentand genuine and a reaching out
of connecting and friendship.
Yeah, but the good thing aboutsocial media is that it's not
happening in your living room,is it so you can cut it off and
walk away?
What I would say is you do needto sit there and filter.
(04:48):
What is the agenda here?
Right, and do I want to invitethis into my life?
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yeah, and what your partner from both sides of
course, what your partner islike.
I mean, if there's some kind ofstalky, jealous type, I mean it
just doesn't like to keep.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Well, you're talking about a whole different world
there.
I mean, all I can do is youknow, one of our fundamental
values of our relationship isloyalty and trust.
Absolutely Right.
I would never have married youif you weren't loyal and I
couldn't trust you.
And I can distinctly remember,you know, literally the day you
asked me to marry me.
You know there were some veryreal conversations we had for
about two to three weeksafterwards when I pulled out
(05:26):
loads of questions that weneeded to have very serious
discussions about, and I canliterally remember us talking
about that.
You know what happens if youmeet somebody and you think, oh,
yeah, and you know, whatever,my view hasn't changed.
You know, if that happens well,will I be sad?
Hasn't changed.
Yeah, you know, if that happenswell, will I be sad, will I be
angry?
Will I have something to sayabout it?
(05:46):
then I think yeah, but myexpectation is that we extricate
ourselves from one relationshipbefore we start another yeah
because if you come to me andsay I have met somebody I think
I have feelings for will, I findthat absolutely devastating.
Yeah, of course right.
But if you're telling me, butI've done nothing about it, but
we need to separate, do you knowwhat I mean?
I don't want to make this morethan it is, but fundamentally,
(06:09):
Cynthia.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
why do you bring this up?
She's talking about separating.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Well, I'll be under no illusion.
You play away from it and Iwill destroy you, it's true, but
you know she's.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
I mean, I think what we're saying here is that If
it's open, yeah, yeah, yeah, ifyou can close, open about it
there's nothing wrong with it atall.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Yeah, yeah, and having a teaspoon of salacious
interest in what the hell arethey doing is pretty normal.
There's nothing wrong with anyof that?
I don't think, and I've done itevery now and again, you know.
I've put a name in and thoughtI think.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
I mean the benefit for us.
We're the other side of theworld to our former relationship
, so they're not going to turnoff at the front door, are they?
I don't know what the story iswith Cynthia.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
So, cynthia, the bottom line is, if there's no
agenda in this and you canopenly discuss it with your
partner, then go for gold.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
But I do believe you have to take your partner's
feelings and opinions into thatconsideration, otherwise you are
inviting yeah, trouble, you'regoing down a very dark double
travel I mean, there was this,this program that's on tv, which
I think is just bonkers, ofthis one where they invite three
(07:26):
people in the relationship andthey kind of fight it out.
Have you seen that?
It's called Reality TV?
Oh my God, they're just.
How on earth would you putyourself in that situation,
apart from Instagram followers?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Maybe because you don't believe in lifetime
monogamous relationships?
Yeah Right, that's a wholedifferent podcast, but you know
it's nuts.
You know we were brought up ina world where it wasn't a thing.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Death to us both.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Not sooner than later .
It's an inhale.
Why do you chortle like that?
So, yes, cynthia, go for gold,but don't do it in a vacuum,
because it will not work outwell.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
There you go, cynthia .
I hope that's useful and youwon't be writing to us in a
couple of months time sayingwhat do I do with my divorce?
Oh, then again, it might be apositive thing for you.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Well, that's a whole other conversation.
But let's be absolutely clear.
You know, if you were in arelationship with somebody who
has a very visceral response toyou being contacted by somebody
out of the blue, yeah.
You probably need to sit downand have a little think about
what exactly are you dealingwith here.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Because sticking with somebody through thick and thin
isn't always the best thingVery often not.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Well, that's a whole different conversation.
What you're talking about istrust.
Yeah, do you trust somebody?
Yeah, right.
So if you said to me thisafternoon oh, I've had a phone
call your ex yeah, girlfriend,that I was, you know, 50 years
ago or whatever, 40, 50 yearsago, I was at you in the years
how old?
am I very that they're comingover to new zealand and I've
(08:59):
been invited to go and meet them.
I can't go.
I've been invited, but I andmeet them.
I can't go.
I've been invited, but I can'tgo because I'm working.
Would I say to you well, youcan't go?
No, absolutely not.
I'd go for golf.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Yeah, yeah, I know you would, because we have a
very solid relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
It doesn't, it doesn't, it's not, it's not even
a thing.
I would find that exciting foryou.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
And I suppose I'm secure enough in myself to not
think he's going to go there andthink, oh, I made the right
choice.
Do you come back and say, oh, Ithink I made the right choice.
I think, well, let me help you.
Where is she?
Off you go and being quitefacetious, yeah, but it's
interesting, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Because that question that she's asked is it opens up
a lot of doors, doesn't it?
Speaker 2 (09:42):
It's not really about somebody that's reached out out
of nowhere.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
No, not at all.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
That's either there's a very real agenda there or
it's just an innocent press that, oh, I wonder what they're
doing.
Let me have a look at theirphotographs.
How are they doing?
Speaker 1 (09:54):
But it's down to her to think about her Absolutely,
her relationship and what's.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Yeah, and I think nine times out of ten.
If you're stopping there andyou're thinking, was this the
right thing to do, you'reprobably reflecting back into
the past and there's someunresolved issues there, unless
you're married to a controlfreak.
But let's not even open that.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
All right, Brilliant Well.
Hope it goes well, Cynthia, andwe'll leave it there.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Let us know.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Join us next time on Big Questions.
Short Answers with Sian Jacquetand me, andy.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
If you have any questions you want to ask,
please send them via the websitesiansjacquetcom.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and
share it with everyone you know.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
We really do appreciate you sharing 15
minutes with us.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
And if you want to do a bit more learning, go on to
Sian's website siiansjackaycom.
There's a course on values tocreate the life you truly love.
I did it and it really does dowhat it says on the.
Can See you next time.
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