April 3, 2024 • 35 mins
Struggling with food and body image can feel like an endless battle, but it's one that Lauren has bravely faced. Join us for an intimate and inspiring conversation where Lauren shares her transformative journey from the depths of binge eating and body dysmorphia to the liberating path of recovery. Lauren reveals how she redefined her relationship with food, broke free from the clutches of food addiction, and found hope amidst the once-overwhelming shadow of shame.
If you are finally ready to reach full recovery and achieve food and body freedom, check out my free minicourse and apply to work with me today! We can't wait to see you there!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, lauren, thank you so much for being here with
me today.
I'm really excited to chat andto hopefully help other people
see the transformation thatyou've had where you started and
where you are now.
So, without further ado, we'llgo ahead and dive into some of
the questions for today I wouldlove to hear about.
We'll start with how would youdescribe your overall experience
(00:21):
working with me, with yourrelationship with food and body?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
your overall experience working with me, with
your relationship with food andbody.
Yeah, I would feel I have tosay that the therapy with you
and the work that I've done withyou has been really
life-changing.
I feel like if it weren't foryour dedication and your
compassion to this type oftherapy, I would still be
struggling and I would still be.
I'd still be binging and havebody dysmorphia.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Well, I'm so glad I could be part of your journey.
That is awesome.
You did so well.
Um, I could you tell peopleabout what it life was like,
maybe pretty specifically withfood and body, and then just how
it impacted maybe life andrelationships or other.
You know parts, specific parts,of your life before we started
(01:06):
working together.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Yeah, I feel like life was definitely a struggle
before I started working withyou.
Eating was at times verydaunting and eating was a lot of
restriction and then binging,and I really struggled with my
body image.
I was constantly comparingmyself to other people.
There were times where I didn'teven want to go out to
(01:32):
restaurants and stuff withpeople because I had already
binged during the day and I justwanted to restrict at night.
Or sometimes I would go to arestaurant with people and then
I would eat a very small amountand then I'd come home and feel
like I was had restricted myselfat dinner.
So I would binge at night andit was just a constant cycle of
(01:53):
binging and restricting and thisnegative body image that I had.
It was all consuming and lifewas very stressful going through
that.
And, um, there were times whereI couldn't share my journey with
others because you know eatingdoesn't feel like it has.
I don't like you, you you eat,you know it's not.
(02:16):
It's not something that you, um, really struggle with or that
other people struggle with, andI felt very isolated during that
time.
Yeah, yeah, and um, you knowit's not like I had a tobacco
addiction so I couldn't gothrough a treatment for tobacco
addiction, but I just felt likeI couldn't talk to anybody about
my my issues at that time andyou felt addicted to foods Like.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
you felt like I would describe myself, because when
you're using the word addiction,I would describe myself as
addicted to foods or certainfoods.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Yes, I felt like it was an addiction and I felt like
it was silly and embarrassingand I felt a lot of shame around
it to share that with otherpeople, because food is food.
You shouldn't have an addictionto food.
But that's what I, that's how Ifelt at the time.
But a lot of people go throughthis and I've realized that now.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
A lot of people I hear food addiction all the time
and it does feel.
It's feel so shameful inisolation, especially when you
know you don't have the rightsupportive resources and you
don't know how common of astruggle this is.
Thank you for sharing that,lauren, I'm curious about.
Can you tell me about what?
What led you to this place?
(03:29):
So of course you you didn'tjust start one day binging and
having body image distress, what, what has, what was your
relationship with food and bodygrowing up?
If you could describe a littlebit of that?
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yeah, so I think it really stemmed from my mom.
She had a lot of issues withbody image.
So growing up we moved around alot and I found a lot of
comfort in food.
And I remember at a very youngage I was probably nine years
old I was hiding wrappers undermy bed and even at that young
(04:04):
age I knew that there was shameand I felt that shame and it was
.
It's weird and it's really sadto think that a nine-year-old
would feel such shame aroundfood and that they would have to
hide wrappers.
Um, I feel bad for that littlegirl, um, but I find comfort in
knowing that she was able torecover and be the adult that
(04:24):
she is now and um.
So you know, I started a diet ataround 10 and then 12 years old
, um, and my mom and my mom anddad you know I can't put all the
blame on them, because theywere doing the best that they
could at the time and theythought, by making me feel
better in my skin and my bodythat you know I was I wouldn't
(04:50):
need a diet.
That was the treatment at thetime, instead of putting me in
therapy, um, and so I was placedon several diets as a young
child and, um, and then I foundpower lifting and I found
macronutrient tracking and Ithought that that was the end,
all be all and I, um, I thoughtthat I was safe and that, um, I
was never going to go back tobeing overweight you know, for
my version or my definitionoverweight and and then I
relapsed right, my definitionrelapse and I started binging
(05:13):
again and feeling lots of shamearound that and it felt like all
that shame just flooded back infrom when I was a child and
that depression came, came back,and and then I just did like a
dietician Google search and Ifound you and yeah, session
together.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
That's I feel for you in that cycle.
I know it so well, it's so hard.
You are trying so hard to getout of it, Like you said, okay,
well, if I do this diet.
Trying so hard to get out of it, Like you said, okay, well, if
I do this diet, if I do thisdiet and your parents, not
knowing like this is what istaught, do these diets and what
happens is it just gets usfurther in the cycle and more
(05:54):
feeling more shameful that wequote unquote failed the diet
Right.
So you probably tried numerousamounts of diets restricting
different groups, finding howdid you feel after every time
you tried that new diet and itand you quote unquote failed the
diet.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Yeah, it was.
It was really discouragingBecause, like I said, I thought
when I found the macronutrienttracking that that was the last
stop, that that that was thatwas life-saving and at the time
I felt good doing it.
But it wasn't life-changing orlife-saving because it led to
another downfall of binge eatingand feeling depressed about
(06:34):
eating and not knowing how toeat, and this endless cycle came
back.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, and probably even more.
Like now, I'm more confusedabout food because diet added
more rules that contradict theother diet.
So now I'm even more confusedabout food because diet added
more rules that contradict theother diet.
So now I'm even more confusedabout how to eat.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Yeah, I felt lost because I had tried so many
diets and after that one I justafter all those diets, I just
felt like a failure.
And I do want to share my firstsession with you.
I'll always remember this.
You asked me like what?
Like what do you eat during theday?
Like what's your, what's yourprocess as you eat through the
day?
And I was telling you, well,like I start with my first cup
(07:09):
of coffee and I I weigh out mycoffee cream, and as we started
navigating that process of how Ieat and how I track, you were
like I think you kind ofchallenged me and you're like,
do you realize that's not normal?
Or you said something like thatin a therapeutic sense, like
you say and.
I was like, yeah, that soundsweird.
And then the first session, youchallenged me to go home and
(07:33):
get rid of the food scale and Idid.
And it was so hard to just eatbecause I was hungry or just
feed into that binge, because Ineed to do that, I need to
challenge myself on that.
So I'll never forget that sohard.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
You're going against what you wired into your brain
Like, and also, it's funny,cause you, you, you hear over
and over again, you need to, youneed to weigh out or measure
your creamer.
Right, I did the same thing,you need to measure out your
creamer.
But then if someone reframe,goes against that grain and that
grain and says, do we thinkthat's a little strange, that we
(08:09):
might need to do that and thecontrol we're trying to have and
what that's actually doing andit's such a new.
But when you dive into thatintuition and that compassionate
part, you're like actually thatis strange.
Maybe that isn't what we'resupposed to be doing.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Yeah, and one other thing to add, if this is okay
when I was in nursing school, Iwas at the children eating
disorder like clinic or whateverthat they have here in Denver
and it was with like childrenand adolescents and when I was
doing that clinical rotationthat one of the doctors there he
like specializes in eatingdisorders, of course, because
(08:49):
he's the doctor there, and hewas telling, like sharing with
the team, the medical team,these parents do macro tracking.
And that's the time that I wasdoing it and I was deep into
macro tracking and everything.
And to hear him say that that'snot normal and that if this kid
is seeing that their parent,their own parents, are doing
that and this kid already has aneating disorder, that's going
(09:11):
to be really challenging forthis kid to recover Right, and
so to hear this doctor say thatthat's not normal and that those
parents need to stop that, Iwould.
That like really went againstmy, my belief, you know, in that
cause.
I was like, oh no, this worksfor me, it's not bad.
I didn't do that, but I waslike what?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
So it was challenging .
Yes, it's very challenging.
You really like reject some ofthese things.
You hear um from other peoplethat might hit something that's
just so confusing to you.
Like that goes against my thisbelief system so much you almost
like avoid it.
You almost like avoid it.
You almost like don't look atit.
Yeah, intentionally.
(09:50):
Yes.
Well, thank you for sharingthat.
I'm curious if you can share alittle bit more before we go
into where you're at now and notbinging and having a good
relationship with your body,just to dive a little bit more
into your story, because I knowother people listening maybe
(10:13):
thinking well, lauren doesn'tstruggle as much as I, I do, or
maybe that's not to the depthsof which I was at and I have.
I am unhelpful.
Can you, would you mind sharingabout?
I'm going to ask you twoquestions.
First about the binging and howlike bad it got of, how much it
felt, how out of control, andagain, there's so many people
have been there and I have beenthere.
Can you tell me a little bitabout that?
And then we'll talk a littlebit more about the body image
(10:35):
piece before we move on to whereyou are now.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Yeah, so when I was doing all that macronutrient
tracking, there were days wheremy binging got so out of hand
that, um, I would restrict thefollowing day.
So I would.
I would take out like athousand calories the following
day.
Um, my fit cause I use myfitness pal all the time at that
time, at that time of my lifeand um, so I was aware of what I
(10:59):
was eating, from thecarbohydrate micro, like
milligram, to um, to fats andfats into protein, and I was
making sure that I was hittingthose macronutrients from day to
day.
And, um, it got so out of handthat I was like almost starving
myself the next day.
And then I feel like I wouldget back on track and then,
because of the restriction, theconstant restriction, I would be
(11:20):
so hungry and fatigued that itwould just spiral out of control
again the following day and Iwould lead to binging again.
And, yeah, I felt so ashamed andhelpless myself and out of
control that I felt like nobodycould help me.
My husband couldn't help me, myfriends couldn't help me, my
(11:40):
parents couldn't help me and Ifelt like a therapist or a
dietitian would not even be ableto help me.
My parents couldn't help me andI felt like a therapist or a
dietitian would not even be ableto help me, and it was so
isolating because I felt likeI'm the only one going through
this.
Everybody else eats.
Normal Eating shouldn't be anissue.
This, this, should be somethingthat I have control over, and I
don't, and I didn't have anyresources or anywhere to turn to
(12:06):
to to figure out this issue.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
That's so hard.
I remember you being in thethroes of it and just that those
struggles with feeling likethose binges that were occurring
were going to happen daily andget worse and be binging on more
foods.
I remember just the and Iremember that for myself that
like very, very valid fear andthen shame that comes along with
(12:34):
struggling with binging.
Can you share a little bit abouthow body image played a role,
because I uh, body imageoftentimes like people will come
and they'll get the support forfood and binging or whatever
they're going throughrestriction, whatever they might
be going through in body imagesmissed.
(12:56):
Can you tell me a bit about andwe'll talk about where you are
now but with body image, how didthat play an integral role?
And what were you experiencingday-to-day with with your
behaviors around body image?
How did that play an integralrole and what were you
experiencing day-to-day withwith your behaviors around body
image and your thoughts?
Again, for folks out there whomay be really struggling
obsessively with body image, um,feeling like this is something
(13:19):
that will they'll, they'llalways be struggling with.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Yeah, at the time, you know, throughout the binging
, everything, my body started toget larger, as as it would when
you eat more, and I started mybody started to feel tighter in
clothing and, as a from a resultof that, I started to hate my
body and I saw it getting biggerin areas where I didn't want it
(13:45):
to get bigger and and you knowthere's so much, there's so many
bodies on instagram and youknow you want to attain that
type of body and you'reconstantly comparing yourself to
others and I definitelycompared myself to others and
struggled with body image and I.
That was tough because I beforebefore you know, relapsing, I
(14:10):
guess I could say and going backto the cycle of binging and
then restricting.
I was powerlifting and I wasreally strong and I felt very
confident in my skin at the time, my body getting bigger and
feeling like I hated my body andfeeling ashamed of my body
after having a really nice body.
(14:30):
That I thought at the time itwas hard because I would compare
myself to what I looked likeprior to that and then I would
compare myself to others and itwas really stressful and
depressing at the time toconstantly compare yourself to a
previous version of yourselfthat you thought that you would
probably never get back to.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Yeah, so with body image, I'd love to hear about
how it.
What were your behaviors aroundbody image as far as body
checking, or your thoughts whenyou were in that place, and how
did it fuel the binging and yourproblems with food?
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Yes, okay, I'm so glad that you asked the body
checking, because I feel like Iwas body checking a lot.
I feel like as a kid, I startedto body check as I was going
throughout all those diets andeverything in that process, and
so I think I've been, I was bodychecking a lot prior to even
even the time that I had, likebefore I met you and that you
(15:31):
even put that thought into myhead, cause I didn't even
realize what body checking was.
I didn't even know that that'slike a problem all in itself,
right, and so I was constantlybody checking and, you know,
trying to find an affirmation oflike or, you know, confirmation
of like what does my body looklike today?
Do I look skinny or do I lookstronger?
Um, so, yeah, I was constantlychecking myself in the mirror.
(15:53):
Um, I would look down at myabdomen, I would look at my arms
and, um, whether I was lookingat my body neutrally or or if I
was checking to see if myabdomen was hanging over my
pants or something.
I was doing a lot of bodychecking at the time and because
of that, I was putting thesethoughts into my head about you
(16:21):
know, it always stemmed fromnegative thoughts and when I
would check my body and see whatit appeared like in a mirror my
body and see what it appearedlike in a mirror I would have
these negative thoughts about mybody doesn't look like it used
to and I would always have anegative, negative words and
phrases.
Yeah, it was just a struggle.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
How did body checking impact?
Or and just that constantobsessive like got to be
thinking about what my bodylooks like.
I got to think about how thisfood impacts my body.
I gotta think about how thisexercise impacts my body and all
of that.
How did it impact?
Like your relationships or yourchoices, with what you did
every day, or going out, or yourgoals?
(17:01):
How did that impact?
Like your life?
Because food and body.
That's why I'm so passionateabout helping people with this
because it just steals your lifeand it doesn't have to be that
way.
But you only have so muchenergy and time and if it's
spent on food and body, you'retaking it away from other places
and you're saying no to otherthings that are your values with
.
How is that impacting your lifeand relationships?
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yeah, at the time it definitely impacted my life
because I felt so awful in myown skin and I wanted to
restrict so much and then bingein private that I wouldn't go
out with friends or I feltuncomfortable in clothing.
So I that deterred me fromhanging out with people that I
enjoyed spending time with and Iisolated myself as a result of
(17:47):
feeling so isolated in mydisorder.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, and it's.
It's just such a lonely placeto be and, again, people do not
have to stay stuck.
So let's, let's go into thethank you for sharing that
that's going to be so helpfulfor folks.
I'd love to get into where youare now and that exciting happy
place where I know you mentionedbefore we got on the call that
you never thought you could behere and.
(18:10):
I think that's an important noteto mention is that that is such
a struggle.
It's so hard.
It feels like you will staytrapped forever and,
unfortunately, people get allthe wrong messages and you think
I will always be struggling,struggling with this.
This will always impact my life.
I will never recover from this.
And now here you are on theother side in recovery, not
(18:33):
binging with a good relationshipwith your body.
I'd love to just hear aboutwhere you're at now with your
relationship with food, withbody, and how that impacts your
life.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Yeah, I, I just want to touch on um, feeling like a
person that would never be ableto recover.
Yeah, that that felt very realat the time and so I I can
empathize with others coming into this journey, feeling like
they'll never recover, because Igrew up on diet after diet, and
(19:06):
that was my adolescent, myadolescence, and, and as a
teenager, I struggled with bodyimage, constantly comparing
myself, and then as a youngadult, and so I thought that I
would never have a journey ofrecovery and that process with
you.
It was challenging, butallowing myself the patience and
(19:33):
giving myself love, throughthat I was able to recover.
And the days were challengingof recovery, but through my
commitment to the process I wasable to recover and just
reminding myself every day, evennow, that it's okay to struggle
(19:55):
.
I'm not going to have this, I'mnot going to have a consistent
journey every day where I feel100% in my body or that I'm
confident every day.
You know it's a lifetimejourney and I'm okay with that
and I've come to terms with thatand I love that, because life,
life is about going through upsand downs.
(20:17):
You know it's a it's not alinear process and and I've come
to terms with that.
What my life looks like now isI'm able to go out with friends
and I'm able to enjoy life.
You challenged me throughout therecovery process and working
with you to buy clothes that fitmy body, and I've continued to
(20:39):
implement that throughout mylife and I don't binge anymore.
If I feel like I want somethingmore you know, extra candy or
extra food I'll allow myself tohave that, but it doesn't lead
to a binge.
And I think that's the reasonwhy it doesn't lead to a binge
is because every day, every week, for the past four years since
we worked together, I havechallenged that process and in
(21:04):
the beginning days I was binginga lot, but it started to die
down, it started to go away.
The binges would become lessand less because I constantly
challenged that and I put thatto the fire and through that
commitment and those exercisesand those resources that you
provided me with, I was able torecover.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Yeah, that's amazing, once thinking I'm never going
to recover.
Yeah, that's amazing, oncethinking I'm never going to
(21:49):
recover and then now four yearsbinge free and like when?
Again feeling like I can neverget there.
And that's such a strongmessage that you can live so
much of your life strugglingwith not trusting food, with not
trusting body, with not havinga good body image, with not
knowing how to eat, and itdoesn't have to continue to be
your life and I think peopledon't always that.
I don't think that message isspread a lot either, but then
also, it's just it.
It feels very impossible.
So thank you for sharing that.
I'm curious to hear more abouthow your your trust in food and
how that has transformed,because a lot of people coming
(22:11):
in do not trust food.
Food is the enemy.
I'm the only one who cannot bearound food, but of course we
still need to eat.
How has that transformationwith understanding food and
health and just being able totrust yourself around food?
Where is that now?
Speaker 2 (22:27):
just being able to trust yourself around food.
Where is that now?
I definitely have a neutralperspective of food.
I don't label foods as bad orgood and, being in the
healthcare field and being anurse, I remember you helped me
define health, because I think,especially in America, we define
health as having a fit body and, um, being able to run fast.
(22:50):
And you know, whatever thatdefinition is, um, you helped me
define it myself and it was.
It was a struggle for myselfbecause, being a nurse in the
healthcare field, I I wasn'tsure and um, you're like well,
how do you define health?
And my definition still is tothis day is well, like, is my
A1C normal?
Is my cholesterol normal?
Is my cholesterol normal?
Is my blood pressure normal?
(23:10):
And another variant to that islike, how is my endurance?
Can I keep up?
Can I go on hikes andeverything.
So I've been able to definehealth differently maybe from
other people, and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
And that was my mental health and my emotional
health and my social health,because we know those are all
horribly impacted by theincorrect definition of the
strict definition of health andwhat you need good food and all
of that.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Yeah, and I don't isolate myself anymore.
I'm able to go out torestaurants and eat a normal uh,
not no, I wouldn't say normalbut like I may be able to eat a
meal that satisfies me.
You know that I feel normal.
I'm not going to get a salad.
Yeah, I'm not going to get asalad and restrict myself.
And if I want a salad, I'mgoing to eat a salad I like
(24:01):
there.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Sometimes you want salads and sound like oh,
salad's not a thing I have tohave.
Now, sometimes I I enjoy saladand I still enjoy vegetables and
fruits, which I think is soalso helpful.
I remember thinking you sayingI'm never going to want fruits
and vegetables again.
Or these healthy, these quote,unquote healthy things, because
(24:21):
if I allow myself to have thesedonuts that I've been John, or
if I allow myself to havewhatever I want in a restaurant,
why would I want the otherthings?
Speaker 2 (24:28):
Yeah, exactly, and, and food isn't as charged as it
used to be, and so I'm able tojust eat what I want, and then
I'm able to come home and Istill feel satiated and
satisfied, and I feel like Idon't have to binge, because
before the program, after arestaurant, I would come home
because I restricted at the, atthe restaurant, and I didn't
feel satisfied, and so I wouldbinge on more food, and even the
(24:49):
next day it may even carry onto the next day and I would
continue to binge the followingday.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Right, Right, Right.
Like you said, that cycle thatyou can't escape because we're
trying to escape in all thewrong ways rather than sitting
in the discomfort and doing someof these really hard things,
that actually truly gets us to abinge read place, to a body
acceptance place, to a healthyplace where we feel good in our
bodies, we feel capable, we feel, like you said, our bodies can
(25:18):
do these things in the ways wewant with athletics and just
yeah, it's just all the wrongthings are being taught we.
It's hard to get uncomfortableand do it different when we're
told X, Y and Z that don't work.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
And even now, even with like body image, just to
kind of touch on that subject.
Yeah, I remember one sessionwith you.
I was wearing shorts cause itwas summer and it was hot, but I
didn't like the way my legslooked.
And I like put a pillow over myabdomen and like my legs and
you were like you kind ofchallenged me on that and you're
like do you, are you doing thatbecause you feel uncomfortable
right now or just cause you wanta pillow on your lap?
(25:54):
And I think I lied to you and Iwas like, um no, I like the
comfort of the pillow.
Speaker 1 (25:58):
Oh, yeah, I know it so well.
I would put pillows on me too.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
And I don't do that anymore.
And even if I, if I feel like Iam uncomfortable in my skin
because, like I said, not everyday is a hundred percent I'm not
going to feel a hundred percentconfident in my skin every day
and if I feel like I'm going forthat pillow to cover myself up,
to cover my body, I dochallenge myself now and I say,
no, that doesn't need to happen,and it's okay that you feel
(26:24):
uncomfortable, like.
It's okay, you don't need tocover your body, you're fine,
right.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
And those are the necessary body image exposures.
That because by doing that andby doing you know that body
checking and hiding your body,that is sending a lot of
messages that impact yourrelationship with your body and
your relationship with food.
Well, that is wonderful.
It's again so good.
I know we chatted before this,but it's so good to hear you
(26:51):
continue to feel confident withfood, trusting of food, loving
towards your body and where youdon't need to have 80% of your
brain space going to food andbody but it's just a normal part
of your everyday and you canthink about your relationships
and going out and enjoying foodand still eating fruits and
(27:14):
vegetables and still you saidrock climbing and I know you're
an athletic person and stilldoing these things and then not
be connected to the sense ofcontrol and the sense of shame
and distrust and disrespect.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Yes, you should be very proud of yourself.
Yeah, and the other thing thatjust kind of popped into my head
was during one of our sessions.
I think I was like going toItaly and I was worried about
like having to go buy clothesthat are going to fit my body
comfortably and get rid of theclothes that are tight.
And you told me I think it wasyou that told me try on the
clothes and get rid of theclothes that are tight.
And um, and you told me I thinkit was you that told me, um,
try on the clothes and don'tface the mirror, and and then
(27:53):
just see how you feel in theclothes and then turn around and
see what you think you looklike, and um, and see if you
feel okay in that outfit.
And I, I still do that.
I still implement that tool.
Um, yeah, and I go to those.
When I go to the mall, I stilltry on clothes, facing away from
the mirror, and if the clothesfit me comfortably, I'll end up
purchasing them, and if theydon't, then I just put them back
.
And that's a neutralperspective and I'm okay with
(28:16):
that now.
And it took me a while to getto that point of feeling okay
and comfortable with that ideaand I hope that others can
implement that practice in theirlife too.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Yeah, absolutely, that's fantastic to hear to hear
.
And, yeah, body image is supercomplex.
There's so many things thatneed to be addressed there and
you're you're naming some ofthese tools that, like, we
worked with and I believe, likethese, these, really, you can't
do body image work without food.
You can't do the food workwithout body image, and there's
(28:49):
so many things to unpack.
It's like we're we're we'retaking down this, this tower of
things that do not work, thatare all intertwined, while we're
building this new relationshipwith these things up.
And it can be reallyuncomfortable because it's like
we are moving to a new house andwe know that's house we want to
(29:10):
be at, it's our ideal house,it's the perfect house, it's
going to fit our new family,it's like exactly in the
location we want, but it's still, when we move into a new house,
it's it's uncomfortable becausewe don't know that house, we
know this house and we know it'snot working for us, but it's's
it could be uncomfortable.
And so, again, you should bevery proud of yourself for going
(29:32):
through all the work and reallygetting into the nitty gritty
and I just really appreciate yousharing your story around all
of this.
It's going to be super helpful,I know, for folks to hear.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Yeah, absolutely.
I hope that my journey can helpothers recovery too.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Yeah, oh, it's so important.
I think it will absolutely helppeople.
I have just one last questionIn what ways do you believe
working with me can benefitindividuals who are actively
seeking support from theirstruggle struggles with body
image and food?
How would it help theirstruggle and their and their
(30:07):
life?
What would you tell them?
Speaker 2 (30:09):
I'm going to refer to my notes for this, because I
thought a lot about this and, um, there's a lot surrounding this
and I want to make sure that Itouch on Awesome, yeah, um.
So the first thing is, withyour special specialized
knowledge and eating disorders,body dysmorphia, you have a lot
of research that you haveincluded in your programs and
even when I was working with you, you have a lot of research
that you have included in yourprograms and even when I was
working with you, you alwayspointed me to different tools
(30:31):
and resources and research,because I'm a very research
focused person and I'm veryanalytical and I liked that you
pointed me to the research, sothat was very helpful in my
journey and so with all of that,all of your experience, I feel
like that is definitely going tohelp people.
(30:51):
You have several years ofexperience.
You helped me understand theunderlying causes of my eating
disorder and you worked with meto develop personalized coping
strategies.
Every time I worked with you,you always made me feel like it
was a safe space to share mydeepest, darkest struggles, even
(31:11):
struggles that I didn't evenwant to share with my own spouse
at the time or my own family.
I was able to share that withyou, because you always provided
this safe, comfortable space.
You always approached ourconversations with objective
strategies and the conversationalways felt safe and I never
(31:33):
felt like judged by you.
And let me see what else.
You fostered a journey ofself-discovery that I never
thought that I would go through.
I never felt like I wasdeserving of recovery, even
though I wanted it so bad, andyou helped me feel like I wasn't
(31:57):
isolated, because it is such anisolating disorder to go
through.
As well as encouraging thedevelopment and support of my
own network, you helped me todevelop tools and lifetime
strategies to manage mydisordered thoughts and
disordered eating that I stillimplement to this day, and your
(32:18):
compassion and understandingprovided me with recovery which
I never thought I would haveuntil working with you.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Thanks, lauren.
That means so much and I'm so Ijust love.
I love, too, that you notedagain that recovery is
absolutely possible.
I know that first session youwere probably really doubtful
and I'm sure a lot of peoplelistening are really doubtful
that they can get the help andsupport.
But recovery is there andthat's such a passion to let
(32:50):
everyone know that that is there, no matter how much they think
it's not there for them.
I just would challenge, like Ichallenged you.
Maybe you haven't done theright things, maybe you had the
wrong education, maybe you had alot of experiences that are
really causing you to believethat you've tried everything,
(33:11):
but you haven't tried everything.
There are other ways.
It's absolutely possible andyou deserve to look for and get
that for yourself and open upyour life to more so you have
that freedom with food and body.
So thank you so much forsharing.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Yeah, I also just want to add that going through
recovery is challenging and youjust have to at that time.
You just have to allow yourselfthe space to go through that
recovery.
And every day might be hard,even years after, like what I'm
going through now.
It's like I said this thisprocess isn't linear and not
(33:50):
every day Am I going to feelcomfortable in my body, or maybe
one day I will overeat, but thenext day I am able to get up
easier and realize and recognizethat's okay.
Maybe I overate today or maybeI'm having a bad body image day
today, but I'm able to perceiveand understand that thought and
then just let it go and move onwith the rest of my day, because
(34:12):
I've allowed myself and thecompassion to give myself that
space and be patient with myselfand love myself, and that those
are all the tools andeverything that you gave me,
that you provided me in yourprogram.
Through through that therapywith you, I've been able to
recover.
So I hope people givethemselves that space as well.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
Yeah, that's so helpful and I think you you know
you're ending this interview ona really good note, which is
exactly what you just said isyou allowed yourself to go
through the process and trustthe process and trust and give
yourself enough time and spaceto really thoroughly go through
(34:53):
some things that were reallyuncomfortable, because it's not
until you open those doors andpractice and do things
differently and surrender andsay I'm ready for this process,
that you can be where you arenow with that trust, with food
in your body without thosedistressing thoughts, with being
able to body without thosedistressing thoughts, with being
able to move on from a negativethought without you know quote
unquote eating something thatfeels that society would say is
(35:17):
not okay, let you then cause youto then have shame and binge
and be in this cycle of completedistrust and dissatisfaction
that just impacts your life.
So you did the hard work andthat's why that's why you're
here.
Thank you, yeah, thank you somuch, lauren.
I really, really appreciate it.
I think this is really going tohelp people and I just
appreciate you sharing yourstory.
(35:38):
Yes you're welcome, thank you.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Thank you.
Okay, lauren, thank you so much for being here with
me today.
I'm really excited to chat andto hopefully help other people
see the transformation thatyou've had where you started and
where you are now.
So, without further ado, we'llgo ahead and dive into some of
the questions for today I wouldlove to hear about.
We'll start with how would youdescribe your overall experience
(00:21):
working with me, with yourrelationship with food and body?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
your overall experience working with me, with
your relationship with food andbody.
Yeah, I would feel I have tosay that the therapy with you
and the work that I've done withyou has been really
life-changing.
I feel like if it weren't foryour dedication and your
compassion to this type oftherapy, I would still be
struggling and I would still be.
I'd still be binging and havebody dysmorphia.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Well, I'm so glad I could be part of your journey.
That is awesome.
You did so well.
Um, I could you tell peopleabout what it life was like,
maybe pretty specifically withfood and body, and then just how
it impacted maybe life andrelationships or other.
You know parts, specific parts,of your life before we started
(01:06):
working together.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Yeah, I feel like life was definitely a struggle
before I started working withyou.
Eating was at times verydaunting and eating was a lot of
restriction and then binging,and I really struggled with my
body image.
I was constantly comparingmyself to other people.
There were times where I didn'teven want to go out to
(01:32):
restaurants and stuff withpeople because I had already
binged during the day and I justwanted to restrict at night.
Or sometimes I would go to arestaurant with people and then
I would eat a very small amountand then I'd come home and feel
like I was had restricted myselfat dinner.
So I would binge at night andit was just a constant cycle of
(01:53):
binging and restricting and thisnegative body image that I had.
It was all consuming and lifewas very stressful going through
that.
And, um, there were times whereI couldn't share my journey with
others because you know eatingdoesn't feel like it has.
I don't like you, you you eat,you know it's not.
(02:16):
It's not something that you, um, really struggle with or that
other people struggle with, andI felt very isolated during that
time.
Yeah, yeah, and um, you knowit's not like I had a tobacco
addiction so I couldn't gothrough a treatment for tobacco
addiction, but I just felt likeI couldn't talk to anybody about
my my issues at that time andyou felt addicted to foods Like.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
you felt like I would describe myself, because when
you're using the word addiction,I would describe myself as
addicted to foods or certainfoods.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Yes, I felt like it was an addiction and I felt like
it was silly and embarrassingand I felt a lot of shame around
it to share that with otherpeople, because food is food.
You shouldn't have an addictionto food.
But that's what I, that's how Ifelt at the time.
But a lot of people go throughthis and I've realized that now.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
A lot of people I hear food addiction all the time
and it does feel.
It's feel so shameful inisolation, especially when you
know you don't have the rightsupportive resources and you
don't know how common of astruggle this is.
Thank you for sharing that,lauren, I'm curious about.
Can you tell me about what?
What led you to this place?
(03:29):
So of course you you didn'tjust start one day binging and
having body image distress, what, what has, what was your
relationship with food and bodygrowing up?
If you could describe a littlebit of that?
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yeah, so I think it really stemmed from my mom.
She had a lot of issues withbody image.
So growing up we moved around alot and I found a lot of
comfort in food.
And I remember at a very youngage I was probably nine years
old I was hiding wrappers undermy bed and even at that young
(04:04):
age I knew that there was shameand I felt that shame and it was
.
It's weird and it's really sadto think that a nine-year-old
would feel such shame aroundfood and that they would have to
hide wrappers.
Um, I feel bad for that littlegirl, um, but I find comfort in
knowing that she was able torecover and be the adult that
(04:24):
she is now and um.
So you know, I started a diet ataround 10 and then 12 years old
, um, and my mom and my mom anddad you know I can't put all the
blame on them, because theywere doing the best that they
could at the time and theythought, by making me feel
better in my skin and my bodythat you know I was I wouldn't
(04:50):
need a diet.
That was the treatment at thetime, instead of putting me in
therapy, um, and so I was placedon several diets as a young
child and, um, and then I foundpower lifting and I found
macronutrient tracking and Ithought that that was the end,
all be all and I, um, I thoughtthat I was safe and that, um, I
was never going to go back tobeing overweight you know, for
my version or my definitionoverweight and and then I
relapsed right, my definitionrelapse and I started binging
(05:13):
again and feeling lots of shamearound that and it felt like all
that shame just flooded back infrom when I was a child and
that depression came, came back,and and then I just did like a
dietician Google search and Ifound you and yeah, session
together.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
That's I feel for you in that cycle.
I know it so well, it's so hard.
You are trying so hard to getout of it, Like you said, okay,
well, if I do this diet.
Trying so hard to get out of it, Like you said, okay, well, if
I do this diet, if I do thisdiet and your parents, not
knowing like this is what istaught, do these diets and what
happens is it just gets usfurther in the cycle and more
(05:54):
feeling more shameful that wequote unquote failed the diet
Right.
So you probably tried numerousamounts of diets restricting
different groups, finding howdid you feel after every time
you tried that new diet and itand you quote unquote failed the
diet.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Yeah, it was.
It was really discouragingBecause, like I said, I thought
when I found the macronutrienttracking that that was the last
stop, that that that was thatwas life-saving and at the time
I felt good doing it.
But it wasn't life-changing orlife-saving because it led to
another downfall of binge eatingand feeling depressed about
(06:34):
eating and not knowing how toeat, and this endless cycle came
back.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, and probably even more.
Like now, I'm more confusedabout food because diet added
more rules that contradict theother diet.
So now I'm even more confusedabout food because diet added
more rules that contradict theother diet.
So now I'm even more confusedabout how to eat.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Yeah, I felt lost because I had tried so many
diets and after that one I justafter all those diets, I just
felt like a failure.
And I do want to share my firstsession with you.
I'll always remember this.
You asked me like what?
Like what do you eat during theday?
Like what's your, what's yourprocess as you eat through the
day?
And I was telling you, well,like I start with my first cup
(07:09):
of coffee and I I weigh out mycoffee cream, and as we started
navigating that process of how Ieat and how I track, you were
like I think you kind ofchallenged me and you're like,
do you realize that's not normal?
Or you said something like thatin a therapeutic sense, like
you say and.
I was like, yeah, that soundsweird.
And then the first session, youchallenged me to go home and
(07:33):
get rid of the food scale and Idid.
And it was so hard to just eatbecause I was hungry or just
feed into that binge, because Ineed to do that, I need to
challenge myself on that.
So I'll never forget that sohard.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
You're going against what you wired into your brain
Like, and also, it's funny,cause you, you, you hear over
and over again, you need to, youneed to weigh out or measure
your creamer.
Right, I did the same thing,you need to measure out your
creamer.
But then if someone reframe,goes against that grain and that
grain and says, do we thinkthat's a little strange, that we
(08:09):
might need to do that and thecontrol we're trying to have and
what that's actually doing andit's such a new.
But when you dive into thatintuition and that compassionate
part, you're like actually thatis strange.
Maybe that isn't what we'resupposed to be doing.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Yeah, and one other thing to add, if this is okay
when I was in nursing school, Iwas at the children eating
disorder like clinic or whateverthat they have here in Denver
and it was with like childrenand adolescents and when I was
doing that clinical rotationthat one of the doctors there he
like specializes in eatingdisorders, of course, because
(08:49):
he's the doctor there, and hewas telling, like sharing with
the team, the medical team,these parents do macro tracking.
And that's the time that I wasdoing it and I was deep into
macro tracking and everything.
And to hear him say that that'snot normal and that if this kid
is seeing that their parent,their own parents, are doing
that and this kid already has aneating disorder, that's going
(09:11):
to be really challenging forthis kid to recover Right, and
so to hear this doctor say thatthat's not normal and that those
parents need to stop that, Iwould.
That like really went againstmy, my belief, you know, in that
cause.
I was like, oh no, this worksfor me, it's not bad.
I didn't do that, but I waslike what?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
So it was challenging .
Yes, it's very challenging.
You really like reject some ofthese things.
You hear um from other peoplethat might hit something that's
just so confusing to you.
Like that goes against my thisbelief system so much you almost
like avoid it.
You almost like avoid it.
You almost like don't look atit.
Yeah, intentionally.
(09:50):
Yes.
Well, thank you for sharingthat.
I'm curious if you can share alittle bit more before we go
into where you're at now and notbinging and having a good
relationship with your body,just to dive a little bit more
into your story, because I knowother people listening maybe
(10:13):
thinking well, lauren doesn'tstruggle as much as I, I do, or
maybe that's not to the depthsof which I was at and I have.
I am unhelpful.
Can you, would you mind sharingabout?
I'm going to ask you twoquestions.
First about the binging and howlike bad it got of, how much it
felt, how out of control, andagain, there's so many people
have been there and I have beenthere.
Can you tell me a little bitabout that?
And then we'll talk a littlebit more about the body image
(10:35):
piece before we move on to whereyou are now.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Yeah, so when I was doing all that macronutrient
tracking, there were days wheremy binging got so out of hand
that, um, I would restrict thefollowing day.
So I would.
I would take out like athousand calories the following
day.
Um, my fit cause I use myfitness pal all the time at that
time, at that time of my lifeand um, so I was aware of what I
(10:59):
was eating, from thecarbohydrate micro, like
milligram, to um, to fats andfats into protein, and I was
making sure that I was hittingthose macronutrients from day to
day.
And, um, it got so out of handthat I was like almost starving
myself the next day.
And then I feel like I wouldget back on track and then,
because of the restriction, theconstant restriction, I would be
(11:20):
so hungry and fatigued that itwould just spiral out of control
again the following day and Iwould lead to binging again.
And, yeah, I felt so ashamed andhelpless myself and out of
control that I felt like nobodycould help me.
My husband couldn't help me, myfriends couldn't help me, my
(11:40):
parents couldn't help me and Ifelt like a therapist or a
dietitian would not even be ableto help me.
My parents couldn't help me andI felt like a therapist or a
dietitian would not even be ableto help me, and it was so
isolating because I felt likeI'm the only one going through
this.
Everybody else eats.
Normal Eating shouldn't be anissue.
This, this, should be somethingthat I have control over, and I
don't, and I didn't have anyresources or anywhere to turn to
(12:06):
to to figure out this issue.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
That's so hard.
I remember you being in thethroes of it and just that those
struggles with feeling likethose binges that were occurring
were going to happen daily andget worse and be binging on more
foods.
I remember just the and Iremember that for myself that
like very, very valid fear andthen shame that comes along with
(12:34):
struggling with binging.
Can you share a little bit abouthow body image played a role,
because I uh, body imageoftentimes like people will come
and they'll get the support forfood and binging or whatever
they're going throughrestriction, whatever they might
be going through in body imagesmissed.
(12:56):
Can you tell me a bit about andwe'll talk about where you are
now but with body image, how didthat play an integral role?
And what were you experiencingday-to-day with with your
behaviors around body image?
How did that play an integralrole and what were you
experiencing day-to-day withwith your behaviors around body
image and your thoughts?
Again, for folks out there whomay be really struggling
obsessively with body image, um,feeling like this is something
(13:19):
that will they'll, they'llalways be struggling with.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Yeah, at the time, you know, throughout the binging
, everything, my body started toget larger, as as it would when
you eat more, and I started mybody started to feel tighter in
clothing and, as a from a resultof that, I started to hate my
body and I saw it getting biggerin areas where I didn't want it
(13:45):
to get bigger and and you knowthere's so much, there's so many
bodies on instagram and youknow you want to attain that
type of body and you'reconstantly comparing yourself to
others and I definitelycompared myself to others and
struggled with body image and I.
That was tough because I beforebefore you know, relapsing, I
(14:10):
guess I could say and going backto the cycle of binging and
then restricting.
I was powerlifting and I wasreally strong and I felt very
confident in my skin at the time, my body getting bigger and
feeling like I hated my body andfeeling ashamed of my body
after having a really nice body.
(14:30):
That I thought at the time itwas hard because I would compare
myself to what I looked likeprior to that and then I would
compare myself to others and itwas really stressful and
depressing at the time toconstantly compare yourself to a
previous version of yourselfthat you thought that you would
probably never get back to.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Yeah, so with body image, I'd love to hear about
how it.
What were your behaviors aroundbody image as far as body
checking, or your thoughts whenyou were in that place, and how
did it fuel the binging and yourproblems with food?
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Yes, okay, I'm so glad that you asked the body
checking, because I feel like Iwas body checking a lot.
I feel like as a kid, I startedto body check as I was going
throughout all those diets andeverything in that process, and
so I think I've been, I was bodychecking a lot prior to even
even the time that I had, likebefore I met you and that you
(15:31):
even put that thought into myhead, cause I didn't even
realize what body checking was.
I didn't even know that that'slike a problem all in itself,
right, and so I was constantlybody checking and, you know,
trying to find an affirmation oflike or, you know, confirmation
of like what does my body looklike today?
Do I look skinny or do I lookstronger?
Um, so, yeah, I was constantlychecking myself in the mirror.
(15:53):
Um, I would look down at myabdomen, I would look at my arms
and, um, whether I was lookingat my body neutrally or or if I
was checking to see if myabdomen was hanging over my
pants or something.
I was doing a lot of bodychecking at the time and because
of that, I was putting thesethoughts into my head about you
(16:21):
know, it always stemmed fromnegative thoughts and when I
would check my body and see whatit appeared like in a mirror my
body and see what it appearedlike in a mirror I would have
these negative thoughts about mybody doesn't look like it used
to and I would always have anegative, negative words and
phrases.
Yeah, it was just a struggle.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
How did body checking impact?
Or and just that constantobsessive like got to be
thinking about what my bodylooks like.
I got to think about how thisfood impacts my body.
I gotta think about how thisexercise impacts my body and all
of that.
How did it impact?
Like your relationships or yourchoices, with what you did
every day, or going out, or yourgoals?
(17:01):
How did that impact?
Like your life?
Because food and body.
That's why I'm so passionateabout helping people with this
because it just steals your lifeand it doesn't have to be that
way.
But you only have so muchenergy and time and if it's
spent on food and body, you'retaking it away from other places
and you're saying no to otherthings that are your values with
.
How is that impacting your lifeand relationships?
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yeah, at the time it definitely impacted my life
because I felt so awful in myown skin and I wanted to
restrict so much and then bingein private that I wouldn't go
out with friends or I feltuncomfortable in clothing.
So I that deterred me fromhanging out with people that I
enjoyed spending time with and Iisolated myself as a result of
(17:47):
feeling so isolated in mydisorder.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, and it's.
It's just such a lonely placeto be and, again, people do not
have to stay stuck.
So let's, let's go into thethank you for sharing that
that's going to be so helpfulfor folks.
I'd love to get into where youare now and that exciting happy
place where I know you mentionedbefore we got on the call that
you never thought you could behere and.
(18:10):
I think that's an important noteto mention is that that is such
a struggle.
It's so hard.
It feels like you will staytrapped forever and,
unfortunately, people get allthe wrong messages and you think
I will always be struggling,struggling with this.
This will always impact my life.
I will never recover from this.
And now here you are on theother side in recovery, not
(18:33):
binging with a good relationshipwith your body.
I'd love to just hear aboutwhere you're at now with your
relationship with food, withbody, and how that impacts your
life.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Yeah, I, I just want to touch on um, feeling like a
person that would never be ableto recover.
Yeah, that that felt very realat the time and so I I can
empathize with others coming into this journey, feeling like
they'll never recover, because Igrew up on diet after diet, and
(19:06):
that was my adolescent, myadolescence, and, and as a
teenager, I struggled with bodyimage, constantly comparing
myself, and then as a youngadult, and so I thought that I
would never have a journey ofrecovery and that process with
you.
It was challenging, butallowing myself the patience and
(19:33):
giving myself love, throughthat I was able to recover.
And the days were challengingof recovery, but through my
commitment to the process I wasable to recover and just
reminding myself every day, evennow, that it's okay to struggle
(19:55):
.
I'm not going to have this, I'mnot going to have a consistent
journey every day where I feel100% in my body or that I'm
confident every day.
You know it's a lifetimejourney and I'm okay with that
and I've come to terms with thatand I love that, because life,
life is about going through upsand downs.
(20:17):
You know it's a it's not alinear process and and I've come
to terms with that.
What my life looks like now isI'm able to go out with friends
and I'm able to enjoy life.
You challenged me throughout therecovery process and working
with you to buy clothes that fitmy body, and I've continued to
(20:39):
implement that throughout mylife and I don't binge anymore.
If I feel like I want somethingmore you know, extra candy or
extra food I'll allow myself tohave that, but it doesn't lead
to a binge.
And I think that's the reasonwhy it doesn't lead to a binge
is because every day, every week, for the past four years since
we worked together, I havechallenged that process and in
(21:04):
the beginning days I was binginga lot, but it started to die
down, it started to go away.
The binges would become lessand less because I constantly
challenged that and I put thatto the fire and through that
commitment and those exercisesand those resources that you
provided me with, I was able torecover.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Yeah, that's amazing, once thinking I'm never going
to recover.
Yeah, that's amazing, oncethinking I'm never going to
(21:49):
recover and then now four yearsbinge free and like when?
Again feeling like I can neverget there.
And that's such a strongmessage that you can live so
much of your life strugglingwith not trusting food, with not
trusting body, with not havinga good body image, with not
knowing how to eat, and itdoesn't have to continue to be
your life and I think peopledon't always that.
I don't think that message isspread a lot either, but then
also, it's just it.
It feels very impossible.
So thank you for sharing that.
I'm curious to hear more abouthow your your trust in food and
how that has transformed,because a lot of people coming
(22:11):
in do not trust food.
Food is the enemy.
I'm the only one who cannot bearound food, but of course we
still need to eat.
How has that transformationwith understanding food and
health and just being able totrust yourself around food?
Where is that now?
Speaker 2 (22:27):
just being able to trust yourself around food.
Where is that now?
I definitely have a neutralperspective of food.
I don't label foods as bad orgood and, being in the
healthcare field and being anurse, I remember you helped me
define health, because I think,especially in America, we define
health as having a fit body and, um, being able to run fast.
(22:50):
And you know, whatever thatdefinition is, um, you helped me
define it myself and it was.
It was a struggle for myselfbecause, being a nurse in the
healthcare field, I I wasn'tsure and um, you're like well,
how do you define health?
And my definition still is tothis day is well, like, is my
A1C normal?
Is my cholesterol normal?
Is my cholesterol normal?
Is my blood pressure normal?
(23:10):
And another variant to that islike, how is my endurance?
Can I keep up?
Can I go on hikes andeverything.
So I've been able to definehealth differently maybe from
other people, and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
And that was my mental health and my emotional
health and my social health,because we know those are all
horribly impacted by theincorrect definition of the
strict definition of health andwhat you need good food and all
of that.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Yeah, and I don't isolate myself anymore.
I'm able to go out torestaurants and eat a normal uh,
not no, I wouldn't say normalbut like I may be able to eat a
meal that satisfies me.
You know that I feel normal.
I'm not going to get a salad.
Yeah, I'm not going to get asalad and restrict myself.
And if I want a salad, I'mgoing to eat a salad I like
(24:01):
there.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Sometimes you want salads and sound like oh,
salad's not a thing I have tohave.
Now, sometimes I I enjoy saladand I still enjoy vegetables and
fruits, which I think is soalso helpful.
I remember thinking you sayingI'm never going to want fruits
and vegetables again.
Or these healthy, these quote,unquote healthy things, because
(24:21):
if I allow myself to have thesedonuts that I've been John, or
if I allow myself to havewhatever I want in a restaurant,
why would I want the otherthings?
Speaker 2 (24:28):
Yeah, exactly, and, and food isn't as charged as it
used to be, and so I'm able tojust eat what I want, and then
I'm able to come home and Istill feel satiated and
satisfied, and I feel like Idon't have to binge, because
before the program, after arestaurant, I would come home
because I restricted at the, atthe restaurant, and I didn't
feel satisfied, and so I wouldbinge on more food, and even the
(24:49):
next day it may even carry onto the next day and I would
continue to binge the followingday.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Right, Right, Right.
Like you said, that cycle thatyou can't escape because we're
trying to escape in all thewrong ways rather than sitting
in the discomfort and doing someof these really hard things,
that actually truly gets us to abinge read place, to a body
acceptance place, to a healthyplace where we feel good in our
bodies, we feel capable, we feel, like you said, our bodies can
(25:18):
do these things in the ways wewant with athletics and just
yeah, it's just all the wrongthings are being taught we.
It's hard to get uncomfortableand do it different when we're
told X, Y and Z that don't work.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
And even now, even with like body image, just to
kind of touch on that subject.
Yeah, I remember one sessionwith you.
I was wearing shorts cause itwas summer and it was hot, but I
didn't like the way my legslooked.
And I like put a pillow over myabdomen and like my legs and
you were like you kind ofchallenged me on that and you're
like do you, are you doing thatbecause you feel uncomfortable
right now or just cause you wanta pillow on your lap?
(25:54):
And I think I lied to you and Iwas like, um no, I like the
comfort of the pillow.
Speaker 1 (25:58):
Oh, yeah, I know it so well.
I would put pillows on me too.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
And I don't do that anymore.
And even if I, if I feel like Iam uncomfortable in my skin
because, like I said, not everyday is a hundred percent I'm not
going to feel a hundred percentconfident in my skin every day
and if I feel like I'm going forthat pillow to cover myself up,
to cover my body, I dochallenge myself now and I say,
no, that doesn't need to happen,and it's okay that you feel
(26:24):
uncomfortable, like.
It's okay, you don't need tocover your body, you're fine,
right.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
And those are the necessary body image exposures.
That because by doing that andby doing you know that body
checking and hiding your body,that is sending a lot of
messages that impact yourrelationship with your body and
your relationship with food.
Well, that is wonderful.
It's again so good.
I know we chatted before this,but it's so good to hear you
(26:51):
continue to feel confident withfood, trusting of food, loving
towards your body and where youdon't need to have 80% of your
brain space going to food andbody but it's just a normal part
of your everyday and you canthink about your relationships
and going out and enjoying foodand still eating fruits and
(27:14):
vegetables and still you saidrock climbing and I know you're
an athletic person and stilldoing these things and then not
be connected to the sense ofcontrol and the sense of shame
and distrust and disrespect.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Yes, you should be very proud of yourself.
Yeah, and the other thing thatjust kind of popped into my head
was during one of our sessions.
I think I was like going toItaly and I was worried about
like having to go buy clothesthat are going to fit my body
comfortably and get rid of theclothes that are tight.
And you told me I think it wasyou that told me try on the
clothes and get rid of theclothes that are tight.
And um, and you told me I thinkit was you that told me, um,
try on the clothes and don'tface the mirror, and and then
(27:53):
just see how you feel in theclothes and then turn around and
see what you think you looklike, and um, and see if you
feel okay in that outfit.
And I, I still do that.
I still implement that tool.
Um, yeah, and I go to those.
When I go to the mall, I stilltry on clothes, facing away from
the mirror, and if the clothesfit me comfortably, I'll end up
purchasing them, and if theydon't, then I just put them back
.
And that's a neutralperspective and I'm okay with
(28:16):
that now.
And it took me a while to getto that point of feeling okay
and comfortable with that ideaand I hope that others can
implement that practice in theirlife too.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Yeah, absolutely, that's fantastic to hear to hear
.
And, yeah, body image is supercomplex.
There's so many things thatneed to be addressed there and
you're you're naming some ofthese tools that, like, we
worked with and I believe, likethese, these, really, you can't
do body image work without food.
You can't do the food workwithout body image, and there's
(28:49):
so many things to unpack.
It's like we're we're we'retaking down this, this tower of
things that do not work, thatare all intertwined, while we're
building this new relationshipwith these things up.
And it can be reallyuncomfortable because it's like
we are moving to a new house andwe know that's house we want to
(29:10):
be at, it's our ideal house,it's the perfect house, it's
going to fit our new family,it's like exactly in the
location we want, but it's still, when we move into a new house,
it's it's uncomfortable becausewe don't know that house, we
know this house and we know it'snot working for us, but it's's
it could be uncomfortable.
And so, again, you should bevery proud of yourself for going
(29:32):
through all the work and reallygetting into the nitty gritty
and I just really appreciate yousharing your story around all
of this.
It's going to be super helpful,I know, for folks to hear.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Yeah, absolutely.
I hope that my journey can helpothers recovery too.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Yeah, oh, it's so important.
I think it will absolutely helppeople.
I have just one last questionIn what ways do you believe
working with me can benefitindividuals who are actively
seeking support from theirstruggle struggles with body
image and food?
How would it help theirstruggle and their and their
(30:07):
life?
What would you tell them?
Speaker 2 (30:09):
I'm going to refer to my notes for this, because I
thought a lot about this and, um, there's a lot surrounding this
and I want to make sure that Itouch on Awesome, yeah, um.
So the first thing is, withyour special specialized
knowledge and eating disorders,body dysmorphia, you have a lot
of research that you haveincluded in your programs and
even when I was working with you, you have a lot of research
that you have included in yourprograms and even when I was
working with you, you alwayspointed me to different tools
(30:31):
and resources and research,because I'm a very research
focused person and I'm veryanalytical and I liked that you
pointed me to the research, sothat was very helpful in my
journey and so with all of that,all of your experience, I feel
like that is definitely going tohelp people.
(30:51):
You have several years ofexperience.
You helped me understand theunderlying causes of my eating
disorder and you worked with meto develop personalized coping
strategies.
Every time I worked with you,you always made me feel like it
was a safe space to share mydeepest, darkest struggles, even
(31:11):
struggles that I didn't evenwant to share with my own spouse
at the time or my own family.
I was able to share that withyou, because you always provided
this safe, comfortable space.
You always approached ourconversations with objective
strategies and the conversationalways felt safe and I never
(31:33):
felt like judged by you.
And let me see what else.
You fostered a journey ofself-discovery that I never
thought that I would go through.
I never felt like I wasdeserving of recovery, even
though I wanted it so bad, andyou helped me feel like I wasn't
(31:57):
isolated, because it is such anisolating disorder to go
through.
As well as encouraging thedevelopment and support of my
own network, you helped me todevelop tools and lifetime
strategies to manage mydisordered thoughts and
disordered eating that I stillimplement to this day, and your
(32:18):
compassion and understandingprovided me with recovery which
I never thought I would haveuntil working with you.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Thanks, lauren.
That means so much and I'm so Ijust love.
I love, too, that you notedagain that recovery is
absolutely possible.
I know that first session youwere probably really doubtful
and I'm sure a lot of peoplelistening are really doubtful
that they can get the help andsupport.
But recovery is there andthat's such a passion to let
(32:50):
everyone know that that is there, no matter how much they think
it's not there for them.
I just would challenge, like Ichallenged you.
Maybe you haven't done theright things, maybe you had the
wrong education, maybe you had alot of experiences that are
really causing you to believethat you've tried everything,
(33:11):
but you haven't tried everything.
There are other ways.
It's absolutely possible andyou deserve to look for and get
that for yourself and open upyour life to more so you have
that freedom with food and body.
So thank you so much forsharing.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Yeah, I also just want to add that going through
recovery is challenging and youjust have to at that time.
You just have to allow yourselfthe space to go through that
recovery.
And every day might be hard,even years after, like what I'm
going through now.
It's like I said this thisprocess isn't linear and not
(33:50):
every day Am I going to feelcomfortable in my body, or maybe
one day I will overeat, but thenext day I am able to get up
easier and realize and recognizethat's okay.
Maybe I overate today or maybeI'm having a bad body image day
today, but I'm able to perceiveand understand that thought and
then just let it go and move onwith the rest of my day, because
(34:12):
I've allowed myself and thecompassion to give myself that
space and be patient with myselfand love myself, and that those
are all the tools andeverything that you gave me,
that you provided me in yourprogram.
Through through that therapywith you, I've been able to
recover.
So I hope people givethemselves that space as well.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
Yeah, that's so helpful and I think you you know
you're ending this interview ona really good note, which is
exactly what you just said isyou allowed yourself to go
through the process and trustthe process and trust and give
yourself enough time and spaceto really thoroughly go through
(34:53):
some things that were reallyuncomfortable, because it's not
until you open those doors andpractice and do things
differently and surrender andsay I'm ready for this process,
that you can be where you arenow with that trust, with food
in your body without thosedistressing thoughts, with being
able to body without thosedistressing thoughts, with being
able to move on from a negativethought without you know quote
unquote eating something thatfeels that society would say is
(35:17):
not okay, let you then cause youto then have shame and binge
and be in this cycle of completedistrust and dissatisfaction
that just impacts your life.
So you did the hard work andthat's why that's why you're
here.
Thank you, yeah, thank you somuch, lauren.
I really, really appreciate it.
I think this is really going tohelp people and I just
appreciate you sharing yourstory.
(35:38):
Yes you're welcome, thank you.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Thank you.
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