What if the parts of your mind that you thought were sabotaging you were actually trying to help? Uncover the transformative potential of Internal Family Systems (IFS) in our latest episode, where we break down this pioneering model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. You’ll learn how recognizing and understanding the distinct sub-personalities within your psyche, each with unique roles and histories, can reduce internal conflicts and allow your 'self' part to lead with compassion and effectiveness. We promise you’ll walk away with a fresh perspective that challenges the notion of "bad parts" and sheds light on the purposeful roles even the most destructive behaviors play.
We dive into the complex interplay between exiled and protector parts, especially in relation to psychological trauma and disordered eating. Exiled parts, burdened with painful early experiences, and protector parts—managers and firefighters—emerge to shield us from these deep-seated emotions. Through understanding the proactive control of managers and the reactive coping mechanisms of firefighters, this episode sheds light on how these internal roles operate and how curiosity and compassion can initiate healing. The knowledge shared here is essential for anyone struggling with their relationship with food and their body, providing a pathway to integrative self-awareness.
Finally, we explore the empowering concept of the "self part" and the seven C's that define a balanced and harmonious internal system. Calm, curious, compassionate, confident, courageous, clear, connected, and creative—these attributes are crucial for leading your internal parts effectively. Practical steps for engaging and understanding these parts are shared, emphasizing the importance of support systems, like our program and community, to guide you on this profound journey of healing. Tune in and be inspired by the hope and encouragement we offer for your continued path towards self-liberation and a healthier, more freeing relationship with food and body.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello everyone.
I'm very excited, per usual, tochat about this.
I think this is going to bevery, very helpful for you to
have to work on yourrelationship with food and body.
Wherever you may be, whetheryou are binging restriction,
whether there is a lot of bodyimage discomfort, wherever you
(00:26):
may be.
Doing parts work in yourrecovery has been proven to be
extremely beneficial to people'sjourney.
So I'm really excited to divein on in this subject and so,
without further ado, let's goahead and start to dive in Now.
(00:47):
When I am saying parts work, wecan use that interchangeably
with internal family systems,parts work or internal family
systems, ifs I'll probably callit.
Ifs is a model that wasdeveloped by Dr Shorts and he
has formerly served as a familytherapist and he's recognized
(01:12):
just as a significant person andhe noticed a significant
resemblance betweeninterpersonal dynamics and the
relationships with familymembers when he was doing this
work and our relationships thatwe have with ourselves.
(01:33):
So I'm going to say that again,dr Shorts, as a family
therapist, what he recognized ashe was doing the work, that
there was a significantresemblance between the
interpersonal dynamics in therelationships of the family
members he worked with and thenwith our own relationship with
ourselves, and we all have theserelationships with ourselves
(01:56):
that are it's dynamic, and wehave all these personal internal
personality parts of ourselves,and that's what we're going to
talk about today, because bygetting to know those parts of
yourself, you get to learn abouteach of them individually, what
their purpose is, why they arethere, get you know, be able to,
(02:17):
to give them space and time andhear them out, because these
parts are all working togetherand so, as a system, we want to
be listening to each other,respecting each other,
understanding each other,showing each other compassion,
so that we all have space towork together when it comes to
the larger unit, ourself.
(02:37):
So Dr Shorts describes thenature of the mind to be
subdivided into a number of subpersonalities or parts, each
part having different interests,fears, desires and gifts.
Every day, the partscollaborate to play different
(02:58):
roles for our whole self.
Everyone has a self part andthe self can and should lead the
individual internal system.
Okay, so we should be navigatedby our self part and as we
develop, as we grow and develop,our parts also develop and form
(03:23):
a system that is reorganizedand changes, and we all have
these parts.
Throughout our life, these partsget wounded or burdened and
these parts can become polarized.
So it's really important toname that.
Okay, so we want our self partto be leading.
(03:43):
It is not the one that isalways doing the leading by any
means, but we do want to get toa place where it is leading, and
we'll talk a little bit moreabout why and what that self
part is and why we want it tolead.
But as we grow and develop,other parts pop up and form our
internal self to take care of us.
(04:05):
There's a reason we have all ofthese different parts that pop
up.
So as we go through differentexperiences in our life,
different parts come up andthere are and this is what I
wanted to name as very importantit's very important to name
that there are no bad parts.
I want you to sit with that asI start to explain what these
(04:26):
different parts are.
This is going to be reallyimportant.
There are no bad parts of self.
Some parts, when they lead,they feel bad, but there are no
bad intentions and there are nobad parts.
It's really important toremember this because it's going
to be important to the work, toobserving parts, to getting
(04:49):
back to the self part leading.
This is all very important.
So there are no bad parts.
Now I'm going to go through thecategories of different parts
and their purpose, but first I'mgoing to explain a little bit
of something else.
Okay, so just if you'rewondering, what are these
different parts?
(05:09):
How do we know these differentparts?
How do we categorize thesedifferent parts?
I just want to let you know.
I'm going to I'm going to getto that in a second.
So there are no bad parts.
And even the worst impulses andfeelings that we have spring
from parts of a person thatthemselves have a story to tell
and the capacity to becomesomething positive and helpful
(05:31):
in our lives.
The point of IFS therapy is notto get rid of anything, to get
rid of any parts, but to help ittransform.
So that was a quote by DrRichard Schwartz.
So even the worst impulses andfeelings that we have spring
from parts of us that have astory and need to.
Really that we struggle with,like the urge to restrict, to
(06:07):
purge, to binge, to shame ourbodies, to hide our bodies.
They're all they're.
They're even these worst, thesebehaviors that drive us crazy,
that we really want to get ridof, that are not helpful.
They're there for a reason, andpart of the work in your
(06:28):
recovery is getting to knowthose parts and to understand
why they are there.
Why are they there?
What are they doing for us?
Let's hear their story, let'sget to really know them, let's
give them space and compassion,and what this allows is for us
to start working together toreduce the shame, to get curious
(06:51):
and to allow those parts toease up, because they are
getting compassion, they aregetting heard, they are
understood.
They're not being shunned, butthey're able to still stay and
maybe share some things with us.
They don't feel like they'renot being shunned, but they're
able to still stay and maybeshare some things with us.
They don't feel like they'renot going to be heard or be able
to come and take care of us,and so that allows them to step
(07:14):
aside and for the self part tojump in and be able to guide us
more, which is what we want.
Okay, so, getting ahead ofmyself, hopefully I'm not
confusing you we're going todive more into these different
aspects that I have beenexplaining.
So what are the goals ofunderstanding and working with
our parts of ourself?
What are the goals the goal ofexploring the different parts of
(07:39):
us are to achieve balance andharmony within the internal
system, right?
So if we think about it fromfamily work, we want to achieve
balance and harmony between allthe members of the family.
The same goes with our internalsystem.
We want to be able todifferentiate and elevate the
(08:00):
self so it can be the leader ofthe system.
When the self leads, the partswill provide input to the self,
but the self can observe theparts separately and make the
decisions.
And we want the self partmaking the decisions because
this is the healthy, groundedpart.
So the self part we're going togo into at the end, but before
(08:25):
we go into the self part, we'regoing to talk about the other
parts that pop up for us.
So we're going to start divinginto the different types of
parts in internal family systems.
There are several basic parts.
The first one I want to talkabout are the exiles.
So we have these parts calledthe exiled parts and you can
(08:47):
have many exiled parts and whenyou explore this in treatment,
in counseling, in your work andrecovery, you can find you have
many different exiled parts.
Okay, everyone is different.
So these are usually youngparts of us that often hold old
burdens, old feelings, oldbeliefs and often represent
(09:12):
psychological trauma.
So this is something theseexiled parts, are something to
work on with your therapist in asafe space.
Examples of this is thosestruggling with eating disorders
.
They may have these commentsabout food and body from their
family or friends, or they sawfamily restricting types of
(09:35):
foods or chronically dieting orpoverty causing a shortage of
food, and these lead to thedevelopment of beliefs like
obesity.
All these things lead to thedevelopment of beliefs like
there will never be enough, Idon't deserve food, my body is
not good enough, my body is bad,etc.
So that belief I am not goodenough, my body is bad, I don't
(10:00):
deserve food.
Those are all exiled parts.
It is those, it is the exilesthat hold those beliefs.
It is those, it is the exilesthat hold those beliefs.
Many exiles are not food andbody related, but they affect
our relationship with food andbody.
Exiles can become more and moreisolated.
I'm going to say that again.
(10:21):
So these exiles we have these.
It may affect our relationshipwith food and body, but those
exiles might be the belief I amnot good enough.
That might be an exile beliefthat is very, very hard to sit
with and is exiled and canreally affect how we interact
(10:41):
with food in our body.
And exiles tend to overwhelmand really absorb us, are
past-oriented and easilyrepressed by other parts.
So exiles very, very often areunconscious or they're so
overwhelming that they are likeexiled to a place where they're
(11:04):
buried deep.
They impact us greatly butthey're buried deep because
they're very overwhelming.
The protector parts are the nextset of parts that I want to
talk about, and there are twotypes of protector parts the
managers and the firefighters.
In order to survive thedifficult feelings, emotions and
experience, protective partsthen develop and they are trying
(11:29):
to protect those exiles fromcoming up as well.
We're trying to protect oursystem from the exiles coming up
.
They're trying to just protectus and help us feel better.
And that's where I'm, where Isay there are no bad parts.
These protectors are oftenextremely unhelpful, which we'll
get to in a second, but theyare not bad.
They're something we want toget curious about.
(11:50):
So the first category ofprotectors are called managers.
Managers are protective.
Managers fear the escape of theexiles, those strong beliefs
and emotions that we justchatted about.
So they work to make sure to doeverything they can to avoid
those exiles from beingactivated.
(12:11):
Managers feel essentially,although they may not enjoy
their role, managers feelessential and so the different
examples of how they show up inour lives and the behaviors they
show up as feel very necessaryto the system.
(12:32):
We feel they're very necessaryso they're very hard to get rid
of.
An example of how a managershows up is in the formation of
a perfectionistic part rightthat tries to do everything
correct, or right that may looklike people pleasing in order to
avoid feelings or of maybefeeling unloved or abandonment.
And if hurt, this normal,natural perfectionist part can
(12:55):
become strong if hurt, in orderto avoid the situation from
happening again, to not feelhurt.
So managers, overall they'revery high functioning, they're
future oriented and they'reproactive.
And how they might show up indisordered eating is they're
going to be those parts thatover exercise, that restrict and
(13:17):
try to control on high function, planning out all the meals,
planning out all the calories,making sure we have control of
our day with what kind ofexercise we do, what kind of
food we're going to eat, whatkind of diet we're going to be
on, and it's very proactive.
Now the other type of protectorsare called firefighters.
(13:40):
Firefighters are reactivewhereas managers are proactive.
So when exiles break out, thosefirefighters jump in to take
care of this hard emotion.
And firefighters aredistracting.
They're present oriented,they're reactive, they're easily
judged by other parts.
(14:01):
An example of this may be whenwe are feeling an exile part,
like shame or anxiety come up.
Someone may use any sort ofbehavior like purging or
restricting, without thinkingabout the consequences of this
or, you know, going to orbinging, yes, or binging or over
(14:21):
exercise, right.
So firefighters are reactive.
It can also and I'm sorry thatwouldn't be binging the purging
after the binge or the shameafter the binge would be the
firefighters that are trying tobe reactive so it can take care
of what just happened, so itdoesn't feel those strong
emotions.
So it can.
Also.
Firefighters can also look likenumbing out or dissociating,
(14:43):
which can lead us to not bemindful of our needs and
sensations, to not be mindful ofour needs and sensations.
So, as you can see, theseprotector parts they are, they
are causing a lot of pain for us, but we also, you know, when
you are struggling with thosebehaviors, you also, for sure,
feel like they are protectingyou.
They're protecting you ofthings.
(15:04):
They're protecting yourfeelings, strong emotions, and
it's again, it's different foreveryone, and that's for you to
find out and be curious about.
What is this manager trying todo?
What is this firefighter tryingto do?
How is it trying to protect me?
Let's get curious about it.
Let's let's uh learn about it,let's journal about it, let's
listen to it, let's give itspace, and let's also look at
(15:27):
what the results of this arefrom listening to these managers
and firefighters and lettingthem lead rather than having our
self part lead.
Ok, so let's see here, if Ireally want to, I'm going to
give some examples here.
I have an infographic in frontof me that obviously you cannot
(15:51):
see, but I'm going to give yousome a little bit more examples.
I have just three circles herearound the self part, and the
three circles are the threedifferent categories the exiles,
the firefighters and themanagers.
And I'm going to tell you, justgive you, in those different
categories that we just wentover, before we go into the self
part a little bit, a couplemore examples of it, because I
think it'd be helpful.
So I want you to close youreyes or just picture your self
(16:11):
part, which we'll talk about,and then these three bubbles
above the self part that make upthe whole, um, the whole, our
group, our internal system,those exiles.
Some examples of that would befear, guilt, shame, loneliness
and grief.
And then we have thefirefighters.
(16:32):
Firefighters would be obsession, distraction, compulsion,
self-harm, dissociation.
Managers would be self-critical, planner, judge, controller,
caretaker and striver All right.
So I'm going to paint thatpicture before we dove a little
bit deeper, just to give you afew more examples.
(16:55):
All right, so let's talk aboutthese unbalanced parts Now.
We want to get to a balancedplace with these systems, but
many people and many people whostruggle through coping with
food and body and having arelationship with food and body
that's confusing and that causesus to struggle and hurt.
(17:16):
We have unbalanced parts, wehave an unbalanced system and in
a less balanced system, thesepolarized parts can become very
extreme.
So firefighters might becomevery extreme, managers might
become very extreme.
In IFS, an image of a sailboatcan be used to demonstrate this
system.
If the sailboat starts tippingbecause some of the sailors are
(17:40):
leaning to one side too much,you may envision these other
sailors leaning to the otherside to help get the boat back
in balance.
Polarization can happen in thisway, with the back and forth of
managers and firefighter parts,where we have managers coming in
strong and then we havefirefighters coming in strong to
balance, and then we havemanagers and firefighters and
going back and forth and mostpolarization and eating
(18:02):
disorders happen between thesemanagers and these firefighters.
So, for example, somethinghappens in life like a comment
that's made about food or bodywhich then triggers an exile.
Okay, so I'm going to say thatagain, something happens in life
like a comment about whatyou're eating or your body which
can trigger an exile, whichagain we have been suppressing
(18:25):
for a while, maybe unconscious.
That triggers a moment inchildhood that brings up extreme
shame that felt intolerablewhen receiving a similar comment
from a family member.
So when initially experiencingthis as a child, it may have not
been consciously experienced,or could it even been.
It may have not beenconsciously experienced or could
it even been.
It could have even beenforgotten due to a protector
(18:45):
part taking over like afirefighter and taking care of
that emotion through a releasethat was not helpful, like a
purge or a binge to take overthat emotion.
Then maybe over the next coupleof hours, the manager comes in,
usually pretty critical orjudgmental, and and restricts to
the and starts to restrict toget the system back in balance.
So I went through that quicklybut I'm going to give that
(19:07):
example again with a little bitmore detail.
Ok, so a lot of times, withdisordered eating, chronic
dieting, just control over foodand body, a stressful
relationship with food and body,this can be anyone, this is a
spectrum, right.
But this polarization with thisdisordered eating and body
shame.
So let's say a coworker thatyou're eating lunch with
(19:31):
comments on your food and maybesays wow, that's a lot of food,
are you going to eat all that?
That may trigger this deepfeeling of shame that maybe that
you are unaware of and it's anexile we are purposely put.
We purposely have pushed thatdown rather than process through
it, and those exiles need to beprocessed through.
That's a big part of the workthat needs to be done in therapy
(19:53):
.
We need to bring those up in acareful, healthy environment
where we can learn about themand take care of them and so
they're not ruling our life.
So we're not trying to avoidfeeling that, but we felt it,
we've dealt with it.
So, anyways, that comment bythat coworker maybe triggered
(20:16):
this moment that was so shamefulin our childhood where a family
member commented on our foodand it made us feel extremely
alone and we might beunconscious that that's what's
being triggered.
But when that coworker saysthat, then what happens is a
(20:40):
protector part might take overlet's say a firefighter and it
starts taking care of thatemotion of shame from that
comment being made by yourco-worker.
And so what we do is we mightuse a behavior like purging or
maybe binging, to both cope withthat emotion of shame, or maybe
(21:05):
binging to both cope with thatemotion of shame.
And then maybe after that amanager comes in, and this is
where the polarization happens.
Manager comes in and it startscriticizing or being judgmental.
A manager can absolutely justbe talk, it doesn't have to be
behavior, both can beconversations internally.
It doesn't have to be behavior.
But it comes in judgmentallyand critically and maybe it also
acts as a behavior and itstarts to.
It says I'm going, we're goingto restrict tomorrow, we're not
(21:26):
going to, we're only going toeat X amount of calories, okay,
and the reason it does that isto try and bring the system back
into balance, because we justhad a firefighter going all the
way the other direction.
So then a manager comes in andthe cycle continues.
Okay, now let's go into the selfpart, now the self part.
So the IFS model has a partthat is not actually a part, but
(21:51):
it's it's the self.
So that's why I said imaginethe self and then these other
parts around it.
It is also known as the healthyself, the core self, the higher
self, it's you there'sdifferent words to describe this
, but our self is never damaged,but it does get hidden or
(22:11):
quieted by activated, polarizedprotective parts that try to
protect us and end up runningour system.
So then our self part is notactually leading, it's our
protective parts that areleading and guiding, which we do
not want, because that's when,um, that's when it yeah, it's,
it's stressful and it's it justis unhelpful.
(22:31):
The self part guiding is goingto always guide you in the in
the right direction, um, butthere again, there are reasons
for those other parts.
So we have to give them space,time, understanding, and that
will really help us to get backto our grounded self part.
So when the self is present andactive, oh, let me back up for
a second.
I also want to say that the selfpart can still lead at times,
(22:52):
even though the managers offighter fighters may be leading
most of the time, managers andfirefighters may be leading.
Most of the time.
You, you might be aware, if you, if you kind of think on it
right now, um, even thoughyou're having maybe strong
behaviors with disordered eating, you might notice that your
self part comes up often.
(23:13):
Maybe it, maybe it says dailywhen you're struggling, we don't
feel good here, um, this isn'tgood for us and I think we need
to get some.
I think we need to becourageous and get some help and
get some support.
That's that self part leading.
So when the self is present andactive, it still allows all
parts and listens to them andhonors them.
(23:34):
Okay, so it doesn't shun them,it doesn't ignore them, it
doesn't shame them.
The self part, when it'spresent and active, it allows to
still listen to these otherparts, understanding that
they're an important part of thesystem.
They have something to say andsomething we need to listen to.
And the self part is wedescribe it as like the seven
(23:57):
C's, so seven C words thatdescribe the self part.
So it's a good way to rememberit the self and this is a good
way too to ask yourself am I inthe self part?
And you can ask yourself ifyou're being these following
adjectives that describe theself part, which is calm,
curious, compassionate,confident, courageous, clear,
(24:19):
connected and creative.
Okay, the self part are are allof those things.
So it's.
It could be very helpful to askyourself what's leading me.
What part is this?
Let's examine it, um, andyou'll notice.
It's the self part.
If it, if you are feeling calm,if you're getting curious
(24:40):
rather than judgmental andshameful, if you're showing
yourself compassion, if you'redoing something brave and
courageous, if you feelconnected and clear, okay, then
you are acting from the selfpart.
So where can we begin exploringthese different parts of us?
Number one stay curious.
(25:02):
Get really curious.
Starting now, I want you to getcurious when you go to restrict
, when you want to restrict,when you're starting a new diet,
when a binge happens, when youstart to shame yourself, when
you're weighing yourself fivetimes a day.
Okay, get curious, try and takeaway that shame and just be
(25:25):
present with yourself and say,hmm, I wonder why this is
happening.
Okay, that's number one.
Number two start observingthese parts non-judgmentally.
Lean in, learn about the parts,talk to your team about those
parts, journal about the parts,give it space, even talk back
(25:48):
and forth with the self part tothose manager parts.
That's been super helpful forme personally.
It helps provide a lot ofclarity and also gives space to
those parts to be able to speakwhile the self part still is
able to lead.
So number three explore howthese parts may be eating
disorder behaviors.
(26:09):
What eating disorder behavior?
These eating disorder behaviors, how do they show up and they
could show up as bothfirefighters and managers, by
the way Protecting something andwhat is it trying to protect?
And you might get into thoseexiled parts which be careful.
Explore that with a therapist.
Number four ask the parts whythey are here, what they need
(26:33):
and what they are trying toprotect the system from.
Right, so if a, if you wake upand you have a, you make a plan
to restrict that day or start anew diet.
Getting curious, ask hey, whatare you here?
What are you doing?
(26:53):
What do you need?
What are you trying to protectus from?
How are you trying to protectour system?
This is very helpful.
I'm trying to think of anexample maybe non-disordered
eating wise, um, let's say youjust I don't know, maybe maybe
someone on someone that youdon't know comments on your hair
(27:17):
and it's in a like passive,aggressive way or like a way
that they are like clearlycommunicating to you that they
don't like your hair, right?
Let's say that you get intoyour car after you see this
person.
This is kind of a bad example.
Let's say, you get into a carafter you see this person and
you're like you start to get outyour phone and you're going to
(27:38):
call hair salons to go changeyour hair.
This is a reactive part, thisis a firefighter part, because
maybe you feel shame and you'retrying to push it down, so
you're trying to take action andcall and make a hair
appointment, ask what are youtrying to do here?
Why are you here?
What do you need?
What are you trying to protectthe system from?
(27:58):
And it could just, it could be,you know, trying to protect the
system from, and it could betrying to protect the system
from those feelings of maybe notfeeling good enough or not
feeling accepted.
Okay, so get curious aboutthose parts.
Sorry for the poor example.
Hopefully it makes sense,though.
And then the next thing and thefinal, the fifth thing that to
do is go deeper in IFS.
(28:21):
Go deeper in IFS.
Get support around these parts.
We talk so much about IFS, andwe have a therapist too, um, as
well, who so amazingly talksabout these, the, the shame part
when it comes to our body imageand the shameful part with body
(28:41):
image, that and why it's thereand what it's doing and how to
navigate it.
It's fantastic.
So, and this is all sorry Ididn't say this, this is all in
our, in our program, um, we talkso much with our clients about
this and it's so helpful forthem to navigate through because
it really helps them get toknow themselves and awareness
(29:04):
around all these parts and thewhys and giving it space.
It just moves mountains for usin our journey.
This is, this is why IFS is so.
You is used so much, um in this, in the field and in people's
recovery.
So, um, explore it deeper, getsupport, join our program, join
(29:25):
our community of of folks whoare navigating this and making
huge strides.
We would love to have you, um,okay.
So with that, I will leave itbe.
I'm going to go through it onemore time just to say to so you
can start navigating it,remember.
So how can you begin exploringthese different parts?
Stay curious, observenon-judgmentally, lean in to
(29:48):
learn more about the parts,explore how the parts may be
eating disorder behaviors.
Ask the parts and the behaviorsand the thoughts that come up.
That are these parts.
Why are you here?
What do you need?
How are you trying to protectour system and what are you
trying to protect our systemfrom?
And then explore with support,explore deeper IFS, join our
(30:09):
community.
Okay, I'm so proud of you all.
This is really hard work.
It is not easy to have theseexiled parts.
It is not easy to have thesemanagers and firefighters
leading us or to have the selfpart buried.
But just by listening to thispodcast, you are getting further
in your journey and I have somuch hope for you, so much hope
(30:29):
for you.
This is why I do what I do.
I would not be doing this if Ididn't totally believe you can
go all of the way to just such abetter relationship with food
and body that you just feel freewith.
So until next time.
I hope you enjoyed this, I hopeit was helpful and I am super
proud of all of you.
Hello everyone.
I'm very excited, per usual, tochat about this.
I think this is going to bevery, very helpful for you to
have to work on yourrelationship with food and body.
Wherever you may be, whetheryou are binging restriction,
whether there is a lot of bodyimage discomfort, wherever you
(00:26):
may be.
Doing parts work in yourrecovery has been proven to be
extremely beneficial to people'sjourney.
So I'm really excited to divein on in this subject and so,
without further ado, let's goahead and start to dive in Now.
(00:47):
When I am saying parts work, wecan use that interchangeably
with internal family systems,parts work or internal family
systems, ifs I'll probably callit.
Ifs is a model that wasdeveloped by Dr Shorts and he
has formerly served as a familytherapist and he's recognized
(01:12):
just as a significant person andhe noticed a significant
resemblance betweeninterpersonal dynamics and the
relationships with familymembers when he was doing this
work and our relationships thatwe have with ourselves.
(01:33):
So I'm going to say that again,dr Shorts, as a family
therapist, what he recognized ashe was doing the work, that
there was a significantresemblance between the
interpersonal dynamics in therelationships of the family
members he worked with and thenwith our own relationship with
ourselves, and we all have theserelationships with ourselves
(01:56):
that are it's dynamic, and wehave all these personal internal
personality parts of ourselves,and that's what we're going to
talk about today, because bygetting to know those parts of
yourself, you get to learn abouteach of them individually, what
their purpose is, why they arethere, get you know, be able to,
(02:17):
to give them space and time andhear them out, because these
parts are all working togetherand so, as a system, we want to
be listening to each other,respecting each other,
understanding each other,showing each other compassion,
so that we all have space towork together when it comes to
the larger unit, ourself.
(02:37):
So Dr Shorts describes thenature of the mind to be
subdivided into a number of subpersonalities or parts, each
part having different interests,fears, desires and gifts.
Every day, the partscollaborate to play different
(02:58):
roles for our whole self.
Everyone has a self part andthe self can and should lead the
individual internal system.
Okay, so we should be navigatedby our self part and as we
develop, as we grow and develop,our parts also develop and form
(03:23):
a system that is reorganizedand changes, and we all have
these parts.
Throughout our life, these partsget wounded or burdened and
these parts can become polarized.
So it's really important toname that.
Okay, so we want our self partto be leading.
(03:43):
It is not the one that isalways doing the leading by any
means, but we do want to get toa place where it is leading, and
we'll talk a little bit moreabout why and what that self
part is and why we want it tolead.
But as we grow and develop,other parts pop up and form our
internal self to take care of us.
(04:05):
There's a reason we have all ofthese different parts that pop
up.
So as we go through differentexperiences in our life,
different parts come up andthere are and this is what I
wanted to name as very importantit's very important to name
that there are no bad parts.
I want you to sit with that asI start to explain what these
(04:26):
different parts are.
This is going to be reallyimportant.
There are no bad parts of self.
Some parts, when they lead,they feel bad, but there are no
bad intentions and there are nobad parts.
It's really important toremember this because it's going
to be important to the work, toobserving parts, to getting
(04:49):
back to the self part leading.
This is all very important.
So there are no bad parts.
Now I'm going to go through thecategories of different parts
and their purpose, but first I'mgoing to explain a little bit
of something else.
Okay, so just if you'rewondering, what are these
different parts?
(05:09):
How do we know these differentparts?
How do we categorize thesedifferent parts?
I just want to let you know.
I'm going to I'm going to getto that in a second.
So there are no bad parts.
And even the worst impulses andfeelings that we have spring
from parts of a person thatthemselves have a story to tell
and the capacity to becomesomething positive and helpful
(05:31):
in our lives.
The point of IFS therapy is notto get rid of anything, to get
rid of any parts, but to help ittransform.
So that was a quote by DrRichard Schwartz.
So even the worst impulses andfeelings that we have spring
from parts of us that have astory and need to.
Really that we struggle with,like the urge to restrict, to
(06:07):
purge, to binge, to shame ourbodies, to hide our bodies.
They're all they're.
They're even these worst, thesebehaviors that drive us crazy,
that we really want to get ridof, that are not helpful.
They're there for a reason, andpart of the work in your
(06:28):
recovery is getting to knowthose parts and to understand
why they are there.
Why are they there?
What are they doing for us?
Let's hear their story, let'sget to really know them, let's
give them space and compassion,and what this allows is for us
to start working together toreduce the shame, to get curious
(06:51):
and to allow those parts toease up, because they are
getting compassion, they aregetting heard, they are
understood.
They're not being shunned, butthey're able to still stay and
maybe share some things with us.
They don't feel like they'renot being shunned, but they're
able to still stay and maybeshare some things with us.
They don't feel like they'renot going to be heard or be able
to come and take care of us,and so that allows them to step
(07:14):
aside and for the self part tojump in and be able to guide us
more, which is what we want.
Okay, so, getting ahead ofmyself, hopefully I'm not
confusing you we're going todive more into these different
aspects that I have beenexplaining.
So what are the goals ofunderstanding and working with
our parts of ourself?
What are the goals the goal ofexploring the different parts of
(07:39):
us are to achieve balance andharmony within the internal
system, right?
So if we think about it fromfamily work, we want to achieve
balance and harmony between allthe members of the family.
The same goes with our internalsystem.
We want to be able todifferentiate and elevate the
(08:00):
self so it can be the leader ofthe system.
When the self leads, the partswill provide input to the self,
but the self can observe theparts separately and make the
decisions.
And we want the self partmaking the decisions because
this is the healthy, groundedpart.
So the self part we're going togo into at the end, but before
(08:25):
we go into the self part, we'regoing to talk about the other
parts that pop up for us.
So we're going to start divinginto the different types of
parts in internal family systems.
There are several basic parts.
The first one I want to talkabout are the exiles.
So we have these parts calledthe exiled parts and you can
(08:47):
have many exiled parts and whenyou explore this in treatment,
in counseling, in your work andrecovery, you can find you have
many different exiled parts.
Okay, everyone is different.
So these are usually youngparts of us that often hold old
burdens, old feelings, oldbeliefs and often represent
(09:12):
psychological trauma.
So this is something theseexiled parts, are something to
work on with your therapist in asafe space.
Examples of this is thosestruggling with eating disorders
.
They may have these commentsabout food and body from their
family or friends, or they sawfamily restricting types of
(09:35):
foods or chronically dieting orpoverty causing a shortage of
food, and these lead to thedevelopment of beliefs like
obesity.
All these things lead to thedevelopment of beliefs like
there will never be enough, Idon't deserve food, my body is
not good enough, my body is bad,etc.
So that belief I am not goodenough, my body is bad, I don't
(10:00):
deserve food.
Those are all exiled parts.
It is those, it is the exilesthat hold those beliefs.
It is those, it is the exilesthat hold those beliefs.
Many exiles are not food andbody related, but they affect
our relationship with food andbody.
Exiles can become more and moreisolated.
I'm going to say that again.
(10:21):
So these exiles we have these.
It may affect our relationshipwith food and body, but those
exiles might be the belief I amnot good enough.
That might be an exile beliefthat is very, very hard to sit
with and is exiled and canreally affect how we interact
(10:41):
with food in our body.
And exiles tend to overwhelmand really absorb us, are
past-oriented and easilyrepressed by other parts.
So exiles very, very often areunconscious or they're so
overwhelming that they are likeexiled to a place where they're
(11:04):
buried deep.
They impact us greatly butthey're buried deep because
they're very overwhelming.
The protector parts are the nextset of parts that I want to
talk about, and there are twotypes of protector parts the
managers and the firefighters.
In order to survive thedifficult feelings, emotions and
experience, protective partsthen develop and they are trying
(11:29):
to protect those exiles fromcoming up as well.
We're trying to protect oursystem from the exiles coming up
.
They're trying to just protectus and help us feel better.
And that's where I'm, where Isay there are no bad parts.
These protectors are oftenextremely unhelpful, which we'll
get to in a second, but theyare not bad.
They're something we want toget curious about.
(11:50):
So the first category ofprotectors are called managers.
Managers are protective.
Managers fear the escape of theexiles, those strong beliefs
and emotions that we justchatted about.
So they work to make sure to doeverything they can to avoid
those exiles from beingactivated.
(12:11):
Managers feel essentially,although they may not enjoy
their role, managers feelessential and so the different
examples of how they show up inour lives and the behaviors they
show up as feel very necessaryto the system.
(12:32):
We feel they're very necessaryso they're very hard to get rid
of.
An example of how a managershows up is in the formation of
a perfectionistic part rightthat tries to do everything
correct, or right that may looklike people pleasing in order to
avoid feelings or of maybefeeling unloved or abandonment.
And if hurt, this normal,natural perfectionist part can
(12:55):
become strong if hurt, in orderto avoid the situation from
happening again, to not feelhurt.
So managers, overall they'revery high functioning, they're
future oriented and they'reproactive.
And how they might show up indisordered eating is they're
going to be those parts thatover exercise, that restrict and
(13:17):
try to control on high function, planning out all the meals,
planning out all the calories,making sure we have control of
our day with what kind ofexercise we do, what kind of
food we're going to eat, whatkind of diet we're going to be
on, and it's very proactive.
Now the other type of protectorsare called firefighters.
(13:40):
Firefighters are reactivewhereas managers are proactive.
So when exiles break out, thosefirefighters jump in to take
care of this hard emotion.
And firefighters aredistracting.
They're present oriented,they're reactive, they're easily
judged by other parts.
(14:01):
An example of this may be whenwe are feeling an exile part,
like shame or anxiety come up.
Someone may use any sort ofbehavior like purging or
restricting, without thinkingabout the consequences of this
or, you know, going to orbinging, yes, or binging or over
(14:21):
exercise, right.
So firefighters are reactive.
It can also and I'm sorry thatwouldn't be binging the purging
after the binge or the shameafter the binge would be the
firefighters that are trying tobe reactive so it can take care
of what just happened, so itdoesn't feel those strong
emotions.
So it can.
Also.
Firefighters can also look likenumbing out or dissociating,
(14:43):
which can lead us to not bemindful of our needs and
sensations, to not be mindful ofour needs and sensations.
So, as you can see, theseprotector parts they are, they
are causing a lot of pain for us, but we also, you know, when
you are struggling with thosebehaviors, you also, for sure,
feel like they are protectingyou.
They're protecting you ofthings.
(15:04):
They're protecting yourfeelings, strong emotions, and
it's again, it's different foreveryone, and that's for you to
find out and be curious about.
What is this manager trying todo?
What is this firefighter tryingto do?
How is it trying to protect me?
Let's get curious about it.
Let's let's uh learn about it,let's journal about it, let's
listen to it, let's give itspace, and let's also look at
(15:27):
what the results of this arefrom listening to these managers
and firefighters and lettingthem lead rather than having our
self part lead.
Ok, so let's see here, if Ireally want to, I'm going to
give some examples here.
I have an infographic in frontof me that obviously you cannot
(15:51):
see, but I'm going to give yousome a little bit more examples.
I have just three circles herearound the self part, and the
three circles are the threedifferent categories the exiles,
the firefighters and themanagers.
And I'm going to tell you, justgive you, in those different
categories that we just wentover, before we go into the self
part a little bit, a couplemore examples of it, because I
think it'd be helpful.
So I want you to close youreyes or just picture your self
(16:11):
part, which we'll talk about,and then these three bubbles
above the self part that make upthe whole, um, the whole, our
group, our internal system,those exiles.
Some examples of that would befear, guilt, shame, loneliness
and grief.
And then we have thefirefighters.
(16:32):
Firefighters would be obsession, distraction, compulsion,
self-harm, dissociation.
Managers would be self-critical, planner, judge, controller,
caretaker and striver All right.
So I'm going to paint thatpicture before we dove a little
bit deeper, just to give you afew more examples.
(16:55):
All right, so let's talk aboutthese unbalanced parts Now.
We want to get to a balancedplace with these systems, but
many people and many people whostruggle through coping with
food and body and having arelationship with food and body
that's confusing and that causesus to struggle and hurt.
(17:16):
We have unbalanced parts, wehave an unbalanced system and in
a less balanced system, thesepolarized parts can become very
extreme.
So firefighters might becomevery extreme, managers might
become very extreme.
In IFS, an image of a sailboatcan be used to demonstrate this
system.
If the sailboat starts tippingbecause some of the sailors are
(17:40):
leaning to one side too much,you may envision these other
sailors leaning to the otherside to help get the boat back
in balance.
Polarization can happen in thisway, with the back and forth of
managers and firefighter parts,where we have managers coming in
strong and then we havefirefighters coming in strong to
balance, and then we havemanagers and firefighters and
going back and forth and mostpolarization and eating
(18:02):
disorders happen between thesemanagers and these firefighters.
So, for example, somethinghappens in life like a comment
that's made about food or bodywhich then triggers an exile.
Okay, so I'm going to say thatagain, something happens in life
like a comment about whatyou're eating or your body which
can trigger an exile, whichagain we have been suppressing
(18:25):
for a while, maybe unconscious.
That triggers a moment inchildhood that brings up extreme
shame that felt intolerablewhen receiving a similar comment
from a family member.
So when initially experiencingthis as a child, it may have not
been consciously experienced,or could it even been.
It may have not beenconsciously experienced or could
it even been.
It could have even beenforgotten due to a protector
(18:45):
part taking over like afirefighter and taking care of
that emotion through a releasethat was not helpful, like a
purge or a binge to take overthat emotion.
Then maybe over the next coupleof hours, the manager comes in,
usually pretty critical orjudgmental, and and restricts to
the and starts to restrict toget the system back in balance.
So I went through that quicklybut I'm going to give that
(19:07):
example again with a little bitmore detail.
Ok, so a lot of times, withdisordered eating, chronic
dieting, just control over foodand body, a stressful
relationship with food and body,this can be anyone, this is a
spectrum, right.
But this polarization with thisdisordered eating and body
shame.
So let's say a coworker thatyou're eating lunch with
(19:31):
comments on your food and maybesays wow, that's a lot of food,
are you going to eat all that?
That may trigger this deepfeeling of shame that maybe that
you are unaware of and it's anexile we are purposely put.
We purposely have pushed thatdown rather than process through
it, and those exiles need to beprocessed through.
That's a big part of the workthat needs to be done in therapy
(19:53):
.
We need to bring those up in acareful, healthy environment
where we can learn about themand take care of them and so
they're not ruling our life.
So we're not trying to avoidfeeling that, but we felt it,
we've dealt with it.
So, anyways, that comment bythat coworker maybe triggered
(20:16):
this moment that was so shamefulin our childhood where a family
member commented on our foodand it made us feel extremely
alone and we might beunconscious that that's what's
being triggered.
But when that coworker saysthat, then what happens is a
(20:40):
protector part might take overlet's say a firefighter and it
starts taking care of thatemotion of shame from that
comment being made by yourco-worker.
And so what we do is we mightuse a behavior like purging or
maybe binging, to both cope withthat emotion of shame, or maybe
(21:05):
binging to both cope with thatemotion of shame.
And then maybe after that amanager comes in, and this is
where the polarization happens.
Manager comes in and it startscriticizing or being judgmental.
A manager can absolutely justbe talk, it doesn't have to be
behavior, both can beconversations internally.
It doesn't have to be behavior.
But it comes in judgmentallyand critically and maybe it also
acts as a behavior and itstarts to.
It says I'm going, we're goingto restrict tomorrow, we're not
(21:26):
going to, we're only going toeat X amount of calories, okay,
and the reason it does that isto try and bring the system back
into balance, because we justhad a firefighter going all the
way the other direction.
So then a manager comes in andthe cycle continues.
Okay, now let's go into the selfpart, now the self part.
So the IFS model has a partthat is not actually a part, but
(21:51):
it's it's the self.
So that's why I said imaginethe self and then these other
parts around it.
It is also known as the healthyself, the core self, the higher
self, it's you there'sdifferent words to describe this
, but our self is never damaged,but it does get hidden or
(22:11):
quieted by activated, polarizedprotective parts that try to
protect us and end up runningour system.
So then our self part is notactually leading, it's our
protective parts that areleading and guiding, which we do
not want, because that's when,um, that's when it yeah, it's,
it's stressful and it's it justis unhelpful.
(22:31):
The self part guiding is goingto always guide you in the in
the right direction, um, butthere again, there are reasons
for those other parts.
So we have to give them space,time, understanding, and that
will really help us to get backto our grounded self part.
So when the self is present andactive, oh, let me back up for
a second.
I also want to say that the selfpart can still lead at times,
(22:52):
even though the managers offighter fighters may be leading
most of the time, managers andfirefighters may be leading.
Most of the time.
You, you might be aware, if you, if you kind of think on it
right now, um, even thoughyou're having maybe strong
behaviors with disordered eating, you might notice that your
self part comes up often.
(23:13):
Maybe it, maybe it says dailywhen you're struggling, we don't
feel good here, um, this isn'tgood for us and I think we need
to get some.
I think we need to becourageous and get some help and
get some support.
That's that self part leading.
So when the self is present andactive, it still allows all
parts and listens to them andhonors them.
(23:34):
Okay, so it doesn't shun them,it doesn't ignore them, it
doesn't shame them.
The self part, when it'spresent and active, it allows to
still listen to these otherparts, understanding that
they're an important part of thesystem.
They have something to say andsomething we need to listen to.
And the self part is wedescribe it as like the seven
(23:57):
C's, so seven C words thatdescribe the self part.
So it's a good way to rememberit the self and this is a good
way too to ask yourself am I inthe self part?
And you can ask yourself ifyou're being these following
adjectives that describe theself part, which is calm,
curious, compassionate,confident, courageous, clear,
(24:19):
connected and creative.
Okay, the self part are are allof those things.
So it's.
It could be very helpful to askyourself what's leading me.
What part is this?
Let's examine it, um, andyou'll notice.
It's the self part.
If it, if you are feeling calm,if you're getting curious
(24:40):
rather than judgmental andshameful, if you're showing
yourself compassion, if you'redoing something brave and
courageous, if you feelconnected and clear, okay, then
you are acting from the selfpart.
So where can we begin exploringthese different parts of us?
Number one stay curious.
(25:02):
Get really curious.
Starting now, I want you to getcurious when you go to restrict
, when you want to restrict,when you're starting a new diet,
when a binge happens, when youstart to shame yourself, when
you're weighing yourself fivetimes a day.
Okay, get curious, try and takeaway that shame and just be
(25:25):
present with yourself and say,hmm, I wonder why this is
happening.
Okay, that's number one.
Number two start observingthese parts non-judgmentally.
Lean in, learn about the parts,talk to your team about those
parts, journal about the parts,give it space, even talk back
(25:48):
and forth with the self part tothose manager parts.
That's been super helpful forme personally.
It helps provide a lot ofclarity and also gives space to
those parts to be able to speakwhile the self part still is
able to lead.
So number three explore howthese parts may be eating
disorder behaviors.
(26:09):
What eating disorder behavior?
These eating disorder behaviors, how do they show up and they
could show up as bothfirefighters and managers, by
the way Protecting something andwhat is it trying to protect?
And you might get into thoseexiled parts which be careful.
Explore that with a therapist.
Number four ask the parts whythey are here, what they need
(26:33):
and what they are trying toprotect the system from.
Right, so if a, if you wake upand you have a, you make a plan
to restrict that day or start anew diet.
Getting curious, ask hey, whatare you here?
What are you doing?
(26:53):
What do you need?
What are you trying to protectus from?
How are you trying to protectour system?
This is very helpful.
I'm trying to think of anexample maybe non-disordered
eating wise, um, let's say youjust I don't know, maybe maybe
someone on someone that youdon't know comments on your hair
(27:17):
and it's in a like passive,aggressive way or like a way
that they are like clearlycommunicating to you that they
don't like your hair, right?
Let's say that you get intoyour car after you see this
person.
This is kind of a bad example.
Let's say, you get into a carafter you see this person and
you're like you start to get outyour phone and you're going to
(27:38):
call hair salons to go changeyour hair.
This is a reactive part, thisis a firefighter part, because
maybe you feel shame and you'retrying to push it down, so
you're trying to take action andcall and make a hair
appointment, ask what are youtrying to do here?
Why are you here?
What do you need?
What are you trying to protectthe system from?
(27:58):
And it could just, it could be,you know, trying to protect the
system from, and it could betrying to protect the system
from those feelings of maybe notfeeling good enough or not
feeling accepted.
Okay, so get curious aboutthose parts.
Sorry for the poor example.
Hopefully it makes sense,though.
And then the next thing and thefinal, the fifth thing that to
do is go deeper in IFS.
(28:21):
Go deeper in IFS.
Get support around these parts.
We talk so much about IFS, andwe have a therapist too, um, as
well, who so amazingly talksabout these, the, the shame part
when it comes to our body imageand the shameful part with body
(28:41):
image, that and why it's thereand what it's doing and how to
navigate it.
It's fantastic.
So, and this is all sorry Ididn't say this, this is all in
our, in our program, um, we talkso much with our clients about
this and it's so helpful forthem to navigate through because
it really helps them get toknow themselves and awareness
(29:04):
around all these parts and thewhys and giving it space.
It just moves mountains for usin our journey.
This is, this is why IFS is so.
You is used so much, um in this, in the field and in people's
recovery.
So, um, explore it deeper, getsupport, join our program, join
(29:25):
our community of of folks whoare navigating this and making
huge strides.
We would love to have you, um,okay.
So with that, I will leave itbe.
I'm going to go through it onemore time just to say to so you
can start navigating it,remember.
So how can you begin exploringthese different parts?
Stay curious, observenon-judgmentally, lean in to
(29:48):
learn more about the parts,explore how the parts may be
eating disorder behaviors.
Ask the parts and the behaviorsand the thoughts that come up.
That are these parts.
Why are you here?
What do you need?
How are you trying to protectour system and what are you
trying to protect our systemfrom?
And then explore with support,explore deeper IFS, join our
(30:09):
community.
Okay, I'm so proud of you all.
This is really hard work.
It is not easy to have theseexiled parts.
It is not easy to have thesemanagers and firefighters
leading us or to have the selfpart buried.
But just by listening to thispodcast, you are getting further
in your journey and I have somuch hope for you, so much hope
(30:29):
for you.
This is why I do what I do.
I would not be doing this if Ididn't totally believe you can
go all of the way to just such abetter relationship with food
and body that you just feel freewith.
So until next time.
I hope you enjoyed this, I hopeit was helpful and I am super
proud of all of you.
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