November 4, 2025 • 35 mins
Want your child to trade boredom and entitlement for empathy, confidence, and real-world skills? We unpack how consistent, hands-on service can flip that switch.
We dive into why serving others accelerates brain development from self-focus to perspective-taking, and how repeated, real-life interactions build emotional intelligence that screens can’t teach. You'll hear how mission work reframes what kids think they need to be happy.
If your teen is stuck, we outline small, likely-to-succeed steps: a food bank drop-off, a nursing home visit, or a neighborhood cleanup. We share red flags like chronic boredom, entitlement, and the growing “I need” list, plus the counterintuitive fix: more service, not more stuff. Parents will learn to model compassion through tiny daily acts—holding doors, returning neighbors’ trash bins, paying it forward—and to frame service as “helping others,” not punishment. The result is a family identity built on showing up, preparing kids to be good neighbors, grounded leaders, and trusted teammates employers actually seek.
Ready to build empathy, gratitude, and purpose at home? Listen now, try one idea this week, and tell us what happened. Subscribe, share this episode with a friend, and email your questions to podcast@calfarley.org. Your next step could change your child’s story.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_00 (00:30):
Hello and welcome to the Brainbase Parenting Podcast.
Today we're going to talk aboutthe importance of community
service and how it can helpexpand our kids' awareness.
SPEAKER_02 (00:37):
To do that today, I'm joined by Julia Ortega,
Direct Care Staff Trainer.
SPEAKER_04 (00:41):
Mike Wilhelm, Director of Faith-Based
Outreach.
SPEAKER_03 (00:44):
Suzanne Wright, Vice President of Training and
Intervention.
SPEAKER_00 (00:47):
All right, let's kick off with our question of
the day.
What kind of community servicedo you enjoy most being involved
in?
SPEAKER_02 (00:53):
I think for me, I really enjoy cooking and serving
food.
That just makes me happy to beand I also like neighborhood
cleanup.
SPEAKER_05 (01:02):
Community service I like to do would be I've I've
just enjoyed community servicewith young people over the
years.
And I guess we'll be talkingabout that a lot in the podcast
today, but I've enjoyed any kindof community service with the I
I agree with both of you.
SPEAKER_03 (01:16):
I enjoy anything that serves others, but I also
have enjoyed being involved inevents where my children could
participate and we could servetogether.
SPEAKER_00 (01:25):
Yeah, I think that's one of the best things to be
able to do is just serve withyour kids.
And that's one of my I I lovevacation Bible school helping
serve with that.
And I don't know what it is.
It's just such a fun,exhausting, but fun outreach.
And I remember our pastor onetime before vacation Bible
school started just asked thecongregation how many people
first heard about Jesus duringvacation Bible school?
(01:47):
And like three quarters of thecongregation's hands went up.
And I just thought it was such acool, powerful outreach.
And so I just love being part ofthat.
So why is it important for kidsto develop an awareness of
others outside of themselves,especially in today's culture?
SPEAKER_03 (02:00):
Part of a child's brain development is to be
focused on their selves, right?
For for young children, it'shard for them to see things from
another person's perspective.
But as they get older, theydevelop that capacity to look
outside of themselves to see theneeds of others.
And I think that's that'simportant.
It's always easy to feel sorryfor yourself or bad about
(02:22):
something you don't have untilyou encounter people in
situations even more difficultthan your own.
And I think it really helpsbroaden your perspective and and
it helps appreciate what youhave, helps you to appreciate
what you have.
SPEAKER_02 (02:35):
I think when you serve other people as well,
especially people that are indire need of support.
I think it's also helps youngpeople to remove judgment when
they get to know those people aspeople.
SPEAKER_03 (02:50):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (02:50):
And it removes judgment of who they think those
people really are.
SPEAKER_03 (02:55):
Yeah, they're they're no longer a group,
they're individual human beings.
SPEAKER_05 (02:59):
Well, that's a great point.
SPEAKER_00 (03:22):
So what might be some of the long-term benefits
socially, emotionally, andspiritually of involving kids in
service or volunteer work?
SPEAKER_03 (03:30):
Aaron Ross Powell I think that's a pattern that you
can set with children whenthey're young to develop in them
the importance of service toothers and and they can carry
that throughout their lives.
Just like Julie said, it helpsthem to see other people for who
they truly are.
It helps you be grateful forwhat you have, it connects you
to other people.
I just think it's one of themost important activities you
(03:53):
can expose your child to.
SPEAKER_05 (03:55):
Probably Suzanne, Josh, Julie, you've read some
Viktor Frankel.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (04:00):
It's been a long time.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (04:02):
Yeah.
Man's Search for Meaning.
And he was a, for those who whoaren't familiar, he was a
psychiatrist that was a Jewishpsychiatrist who was
incarcerated in the the famousAuschwitz death camp, right, in
Nazi Germany, and survived itand lived to tell the tale.
And he he says that he noticedfrom that awful experience there
that people can live withwithout means, but we can't live
(04:25):
without meaning.
So yeah, he saw people in very,very just just with every
material thing stripped away.
But those who had somethingmeaningful, and a lot of times
it was serving their fellow manthere in that awful condition.
But I think he's on tosomething, and here we you know,
we can live with uh all kinds ofstuff, but if we don't if we
(04:46):
don't have meaning, and if ourkids uh don't have meaning, it's
they simply won't flourish.
So it's it's important to getfor them to be able to be
engaged, right?
SPEAKER_03 (04:57):
My kids were involved in 4 H when they were
younger.
You yours too, right, Mike?
SPEAKER_05 (05:01):
Oh yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_03 (05:02):
Yeah.
And and one of the things Ialways appreciated about 4 H was
that regardless of thecompetition, whether you were
showing animals or baking orsewing, whatever your um
activity was, there was acommunity service component to
it.
So, you know, there it it had tobe connected in some way.
So if you were cooking, youmight cook for another family or
(05:24):
cook for someone in thecommunity or an event.
If you were sewing, you mightmake black blankets to take to a
nursing home.
Or, but every single part ofthat had a community service
component.
And I felt like it was soimportant for the kids to have
that part.
You know, I'm not I'm not justproducing this food or raising
this animal, but I'm alsocontributing something to the
(05:47):
community as as part of this,and that's a central tenet of
4-H.
SPEAKER_05 (05:52):
Yeah, I I appreciate that.
And I had that experience.
I was in 4-H myself.
And it sure it's oh, it's it'spart of the that program, if you
will.
So it seems a little bitartificial or what it's you
know, prescribed rather thanjust being something natural,
but that's how most things uhhow we get started, right?
Introduced to something that'sdifferent.
(06:13):
So I found that it was verybeneficial to be asked to do
that, introduced to some kind ofcommunity service, and then it
it does kind of, I don't know,kind of greases the skids, then
all suddenly that becomes moreof a natural thing that that
you're drawn to.
I I think too, uh you probablyhave had some involved with
scouts, and I I don't have ascouting background, but I think
(06:35):
that's a component of of uhscouts and those that would go
on to be an Eagle Scout.
I think that's a big component,isn't it?
SPEAKER_02 (06:42):
Yeah, yeah.
And the Eagle Scout, I think,project is a community service
project.
It has to be something for thecommunity or for others.
SPEAKER_05 (06:50):
For for great reason, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (06:52):
We try to look for opportunities for our kids that
live at Boys Ranch to providecommunity service to others,
which is so important.
And one of Cal Farley's sayingswas if it's good for the kids,
it's more work for the adults.
And I find that to be very true,right?
Anytime you're trying to getkids involved in community
service, that's gonna take someeffort and creativity and
(07:12):
planning on on the part of theadult, but it's so valuable.
Julie, if I remember correctly,when you and Ray were house
parenting, didn't you take kidsto work on Habitat for Humanity
homes?
SPEAKER_02 (07:24):
Yeah, one Saturday a month, we would go to Habitat
for Humanity as a home.
And on those days, we likepacked a lunch.
We didn't go out to eat.
We packed a lunch.
We actually at one point, one ofthe boys in the home, his mother
was trying to work towards ahome.
And so we got it approved formine and Ray's hours to work
(07:47):
towards her hours because shedidn't have any family except
her son that lived with us.
SPEAKER_06 (07:51):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (07:52):
And so that was that was one of the best experiences
through community service we hadas house parents was getting to
watch that process through thewhole process.
And then eventually the boys gotto be at her ribbon cutting for
her.
When she got a house, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (08:09):
Oh wow.
SPEAKER_02 (08:09):
Yeah, and the boys actually earn the golden hammer
a lot.
SPEAKER_04 (08:12):
Oh, really?
SPEAKER_02 (08:13):
Yeah.
Through doing that communityservice.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (08:15):
And so what what would you say the impact was on
the boys in your home who workedwith you at Habitat for
Humanity?
SPEAKER_02 (08:23):
I think greatest things to watch was they would
always be paired up withsomebody older, and that older
person was always teaching thema new skill.
And so that was cool to get tosee those relationships and for
them to start buildingconnections in the community.
And for people in the communityto see our kids as not
(08:43):
delinquents or you know, troublekids that are.
They were producers, notconsumers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then our kids, like in thehome, we saw things like them
helping each other out when theydid um to help somebody in the
home out, or just able to havebetter conversations, even about
what each other needed and whateach other could do to help.
(09:05):
So it just, I mean, it just bledthroughout their whole time at
the ranch.
That's so great.
About three hours a month atHabitat for Humanity.
SPEAKER_05 (09:16):
You know, that we had one of our Iona project
interns a couple years ago wastaking groups of boys' ranch,
teams of boys ranch kids down towork on a Habitat for Humanity
home.
He did that over a year's time.
And I think that I think hisboys ranch group was the main
they were the main hands thatbuilt this particular home.
(09:37):
And then there was a family theywere there for presenting that
home where it was a it was a a arefugee family that was had
immigrated to the United States,some that came from some very
difficult circumstances, and itwas so it was a beautiful thing
to behold.
And probably jumping ahead,Josh, on the with but the magic
of it is the kids love going onthose trips.
(09:59):
And I don't know, listenersmight wonder, well, I don't know
if that would really go over.
Would they want to do this?
And they would be lined up, theywould waiting list, wanting to
go on those trips.
They just were so jazzed bythose trips.
SPEAKER_03 (10:10):
I think, you know, we can remember when we were
young children how excited wewere to get a gift.
But at some point in ourdevelopment, something in your
brain switches and you becomereally excited about giving
gifts to other people.
You know, try to think back whatwas the first time you remember
that you were so excited to givea gift to someone else, you
could barely keep it a surprise.
(10:31):
You wanted to give it early.
And so that was encouraged,right?
At some point, we kind of flipthat switch and we learn the
value of giving to others andand how it truly blesses us.
SPEAKER_00 (10:43):
How does helping others build empathy,
compassion, and other emotionalintelligence in children?
SPEAKER_03 (10:48):
You know, we used to have a a set of house parents
here on campus who had served asmissionaries in Mexico, uh, Tim
and Susan Nation, and they werefabulous in both of those roles.
They were house parents at atime where the border situation
was safe enough for us to takechildren to do missionary
projects.
I love to visit with the kidswhen they would come back from
(11:09):
those trips because they hadsuch an amazing experience.
You know, I think most teenagershave, you know, a mental list of
what you need to be happy,right?
What kind of shoes do you needand what what's the brand of
jeans you should be wearing andwhat kind of phone do you have?
And do you have a car and whatdoes that look like?
And, you know, what kind of jobsdo your parents have, or do you
live on the correct side oftown?
(11:30):
You know, all of those things.
And our kids have those liststoo.
But they would go to Mexico andthey would interact with kids
who lived in an orphanage withoutdoor toilets and dirt floors
and mismatched clothes, and yetthose kids were happy.
And so our residents had to askthemselves, they don't have
anything on the list, but whatmakes them happy?
And it and it caused them tokind of question their paradigm.
(11:54):
And so anytime those kids gotback from a mission trip, I like
to, you know, kind of track themdown one by one and have that
conversation and just say, tellme about your trip and tell tell
me about you what you learned.
And they were just excited andimpacted on a long-term basis,
right?
They learned some lessonsthrough giving to others that
are gonna last them a lifetime.
(12:15):
And it was always such anencouragement to me as well.
SPEAKER_00 (12:18):
What about the emotional intelligence part?
I've heard a lot of researcherssaying that employers are now
really, really looking forpeople who have high emotional
intelligence as opposed to justIQ.
How does it help develop thatand why is that so important?
SPEAKER_05 (12:31):
I would like, just so I'm clear on what that means,
and some listeners might wantemotional intelligence.
What what exactly are we talkingabout when you say emotional
intelligence?
SPEAKER_00 (12:40):
Aaron Powell Well, I think it's the awareness of
ourselves in relation to otherpeople's emotions and just being
able to read read the roomreally and see how other people
what needs they have and how youcan meet their needs type thing.
SPEAKER_05 (12:53):
Well, no, I that I I appreciate that.
We're probably are we're we'rein some uncharted waters right
now, and I know I hate to soundlike a broken record on the
podcast, but we are in a adigital age.
Uh I mean, kids are growing up,they're having a screen-based
childhood as opposed to aplay-based childhood, and that's
just reality.
And with that, there's there areless uh social interactions in
(13:16):
the room that happened.
Used to be part of normal humandevelopment up until now.
So without that practice andwithout just, I'm sure the the
neural connections that happenfrom that, we we will tend to
really be lacking that abilityto read the room, know how
someone else is feeling, how torespond, what's appropriate.
So uh these type of things toget out to serve others is
(13:40):
really a great way to helpenrich those kind of necessary
experiences, don't you think?
SPEAKER_03 (13:46):
I do.
I agree with that.
And you know, I see a lotculturally now that the person
with the biggest platform andthe loudest voice dictates that
everybody else should see theworld the way they see the
world.
And that's just not reality,right?
You know, in in most workenvironments, unless you work
from home and you're fairlyisolated, you work with other
people that you have to maintainrelationships with.
(14:08):
Our brain defaults to the ideathat everybody sees the world
the way we see it.
I think Josh mentioned thatrecently on a podcast.
And in reality, that's just nottrue.
We all have our own experiencesthat that have shaped how we see
the world.
And we have to be respectful ofother people's backgrounds and
experiences as well.
And that requires some emotionalintelligence.
SPEAKER_02 (14:29):
I think one thing too that doing for others
teaches us that we can't gainfrom like social media or being
connected to um our digitalthings is compassion.
SPEAKER_06 (14:41):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (14:42):
And I think that's so important for kids to learn
compassion and how to not onlyhelp serve others, but how to
treat others.
And I I think that's somethingthat is well learned through
community service.
I agree.
SPEAKER_00 (14:56):
Amen.
I think we've talked a littlebit about this, but how does
community service help kidsdevelop gratitude and
perspective, especially whenthey see people who have less
than they do?
SPEAKER_05 (15:04):
You know, Suzanne, you talked about the the trips
that Tim and Sue Nation helpedwith, and I I I was blessed to
be uh part of a number of thosetrips.
And where we went to uh toMexico and did some service
projects, we would a lot oftimes we would build a casita
for someone that didn't havehousing.
But one thing that we did was wewould drive through cardboard
(15:25):
city, whatever the differentnicknames they gave the
neighborhood, but it'd be acres,people living in shelter built
out of pallet and cardboard outin just a dirt area.
And we had a group of kids downthere, one holiday break, and
these are kids that didn't havethe they stayed with us on ranch
through the holiday because theywere from quite a ways out of
(15:47):
state, and they they were justso happened it was a bunch of
oh, I just love these guys.
They were kind of rough bunch,and they were from inner city,
Philly, inner city of NewJersey, and Chicago.
They were all inner c kids fromthe inner city.
They were not the easiest bunchto be in the van with for a
10-hour drive.
Okay, but and they were and theyweren't the easiest bunch to
(16:10):
direct, but when we drovethrough that cardboard, the the
cardboard city, the van gotquiet.
And I mean just quiet, nobodysaying a word.
And finally I heard one in theback, and he was a real he's a
real mouthy kid.
And he said, Man, he said, Ithought the hood was bad.
And that driving through andgetting that perspective of how
(16:32):
other people with what littlesome people might live with and
those conditions, that that wasalways just very helpful.
And it wasn't that you want tothrow some kind of an unhealthy
guilt trip onto kids that thator anybody, that that that
doesn't get us anywhere.
But to see to get thatperspective and hopefully just
awaken new levels of gratitudeand more of a commitment to
(16:54):
service, right?
SPEAKER_03 (16:55):
When my children were in middle school, our
church had a three or four-daycamp town.
They didn't leave and gosomewhere, but it was kind of a
camp where they did communityservice all day in the evening.
They got to have a fun activity.
They, you know, made sandwichesand took bottles of water and
fed homeless people in the park,or they went to an animal
(17:15):
shelter and played with it.
I mean, they did a variety ofthings, but it was 8 a.m.
to 5 p.m.
They were working and they weredoing things for other people.
You know, in the evening theymight swim or but each child
will tell you that was theirmost favorite summer activity
ever.
Over any other kind of camp orfun thing that they did, that
community service had thebiggest impact, I think, for
(17:37):
some of the same reasons.
They weren't told you ought tobe happy for what you have,
right?
But they were led to someinsight that showed them, hey,
not everybody has what you have,right?
And and through no virtue ofyour own do you have those
things.
But you could be helpful toother people.
And I just think it it was verypowerful.
SPEAKER_05 (17:55):
That's such a great point, too, about, and I know
when we're frustrated when ourwhen our young friends, our kids
are at their worst, and youknow, some days are gonna be at
their worst, it it's gonna pushour buttons, and our our
reservoir of compassion andpatience has been exhausted.
And we will want to go therewhere we want to lecture that
you should be grateful for whatyou have.
(18:17):
And what that's doing really isas I'm frustrated and I go
there, it's really touching onsome, it's kind of shaming.
That does not generate a a goodresult, which is what we want
with our kids.
We we would want them to awakento gratitude and and and feel a
commitment or being compelled toservice.
If I'm tapping into a kind of ashaming thing, that just shuts
(18:40):
the whole thing down.
And you cannot lecture someoneinto gratitude.
But if you show them or invitethem into an experience, it's
it's just magical what canhappen.
SPEAKER_00 (18:52):
So, what might be some signs that a child may be
becoming too self-focused orlacking awareness of others'
needs?
SPEAKER_03 (18:58):
Well, I think when that list starts to get longer,
that that list of here are thethings I need to be happy, and a
and a focus on things or a focuson keeping up with other people,
which which we are inundatedwith in our culture, right?
We're constantly shown throughsocial media and advertising
that we are lacking in some wayand that we need X, Y, or Z to
(19:19):
be happy.
SPEAKER_05 (19:20):
I would say boredom is good too.
Yeah, I would say boredom is isa red flag showing that this
kiddo right now is notflourishing.
If they're if they're reallystuck in a state of boredom,
there probably is aself-centered focus.
And the harder you lean intothat, the the more boredom and
despair and just meaninglessnessthat that life brings.
(19:44):
And you can't you can try tofeed it with more and more
material things or self-centeredthings, and it just won't get
you there.
So I would say boredom would beone of those things that would
tip me off that may maybethere's a there's a lack of uh
there's a self-focus and a lackof awareness.
Um would you say?
SPEAKER_00 (20:00):
Yeah, I've heard also that the brain can't
process the emotions of anxietyand gratitude at the same time,
that they're polar opposites.
So if a kid is feeling anxious,then that might be a pretty good
warning sign that they'relacking some gratitude and some
some service to others might bea good remediation for that.
SPEAKER_05 (20:19):
It seems like that joy entitlement, boredom and
entitlement and joy don't can'treally go together either, and
either.
So entitlement and and boredomis kind of a joy killer, but on
the other hand, joy just reallydoes it extinguishes all of
that.
It's so but you said what werethe two you said can't exist
(20:39):
together?
SPEAKER_00 (20:40):
Anxiety and gratitude.
And gratitude.
Yeah, that's good.
So what encouragement would yougive to parents who feel that
their child is struggling withempathy or doesn't show much
interest in others' needs?
SPEAKER_03 (20:49):
As we've talked about, I think it'd be great to
find an opportunity forcommunity service.
And I don't think you have tolook far, right?
Whether you live in a in a smalltown or a big town, there are
generally opportunities there,involvement at church or 4-H, or
you know, look to find a need.
What did uh the movie Robotssaid?
You know, see a need, feel aneed.
(21:11):
And so I think that all aroundyou there are opportunities to
to serve in your community, butyou set you set the example,
right?
You're the role model.
What do they see that you alsovalue service to others?
And and I don't think it alwayshas to be a big production,
right?
SPEAKER_05 (21:29):
That's a great point.
SPEAKER_03 (21:30):
But but do they see that that you open a door for
someone?
I have a pet peeve when I seesomeone pushing a wheelchair or
someone with a strollerstruggling to get through a door
and people are just walkingright by.
You know, so my children weretaught from a young age, you
better have your eye on thatdoor and you better beat me to
it, right?
But I mean, that's that'simportant.
Or you see sometimes thatsomebody in a drive-thru will
(21:52):
say, Hey, I want to pay for theperson behind me.
I mean, those are smallgestures, they don't take a lot
of time or a lot of effort, butyour kids are watching.
SPEAKER_05 (22:00):
Oh, that's a great point.
SPEAKER_02 (22:02):
I think there's room almost in daily life to do
something for somebody else.
And and I agree with Suzanne, itdoesn't, you don't have to plan
this big thing.
It could be, let's go pick uptrash on our street.
Or may we we had somebody inRay's mom's neighborhood that
when they would have to puttheir trash out, there was a boy
(22:22):
in the in the on the street thatwould go and put all everybody's
trash cans on.
Such a simple thing, but such asweet, sweet thing um to do for
and it was young and old, itdidn't matter.
You got your trash can put back,you know, where it went after
after the trash had been pickedup.
Just a simple thing that wassuch a huge gesture.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (22:42):
You know, I I would caution uh any you know, parent
listening, if things are kind ofat a stuck point right now, and
can easily be the case,especially if I have a a a young
person or a teenager that'sreally stuck into their
electronics, which is realcommon now.
So I understand it.
You uh there's it's easy to befrustrated, hear a podcast like
(23:03):
this, and then kind of have aknee-jerk reaction, uh almost an
angry knee-jerk reaction.
Well, we're gonna do communityservice.
SPEAKER_06 (23:10):
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (23:11):
Good luck on that.
Okay, I'll bet it's probably notgonna go well.
To uh and and like Suzanne said,it doesn't have to be, at least
for starters, like a big thing,but it could be a small thing
for them just to watch.
Might just uh, you know, ask mymy teenager, hey, I'm I need
your help with something hereafter school today.
Would you go with me and go downand you take some hams down to
(23:32):
the the food bank right atThanksgiving?
They were just right in themiddle of that, and I'll I'll
bet you that would be a positiveexperience.
But it has a chance if thingsright now are a real stuck
point, some some things likethat where you don't have to,
one, don't have a knee-jerkreaction and do it out of anger,
and then you don't necessarilyhave to all of a sudden we're
(23:54):
gonna just do it all and havethis big event thing.
But for starters, just findsomething that could have a some
success with it, right?
SPEAKER_02 (24:02):
I think your language is important too, Mike.
Like instead of like reframingcommunity service into just
helping others, I think might bebetter perceived and just as
natural.
Yeah.
And just can become part of yournatural way your family does
things.
Community service does make youthink about, oh, I have to go to
(24:22):
this big project and the wholefamily's gonna be drug-along.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (24:26):
I mean, there are times where where kids and or
adults are assigned communityservice as a punishment through
the legal system.
And so you certainly don't wantit to become that, but you just
really want it to become here'ssomething that our family does.
As we were talking, I had thismemory from many, many years ago
when I was a little girl and Iwas in the brownies.
I didn't go on to Girl Scouts,but I was a brownie.
(24:48):
And and we had a meeting wherewe were told a story about
brownies.
And as I remember, they werealmost like fairies, and they
went into this older couple'shome at night and took took care
of all sorts of little choresthat needed to be done.
And the intent was that we wouldgo home and also do chores for
our family, right?
You know, just secretly pick upthe trash or fold the laundry,
(25:10):
or you know, but but that wassomething instilled in us at a
very young age through thetelling of a story, but it
inspired us to go home and dothose things.
SPEAKER_05 (25:18):
Wow.
SPEAKER_03 (25:19):
I hadn't thought about that in many years.
SPEAKER_05 (25:21):
I'll bet you were a good brownie.
Pretty good.
But but I I can think too,there's there's so much
potential, especially if thishas not been part of someone's
uh the way you you've been doingparenting, and all of a sudden
you're hearing this message, andokay, we need to get started
with this.
And I agree you do.
For me to make sure that there'sa it's easy for this to go off
the rails at first, where all ofa sudden we're doing this new
(25:44):
thing, and there's also there'sthere's almost a shaming with
it.
And it's all about you're I'mneeding to fix, you know, the
the teenagers just hearing,okay, I'm there I there's
something wrong with me.
We're trying to fix me.
And I would say as an adult tomy you know, my kiddo, hey, I
just realized I've been a lotmore self-centered than I should
be.
And and I know I'm I'm theparent here, but you know, I
(26:05):
mess up too, and I feel like weneed to, you know, or something
I need to do.
I want to know, would you comealong with me and yeah and
invite them along?
So it's not all targeting thekid and they're feeling like
we're trying to fix them.
Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_03 (26:18):
Uh yeah, that's good advice.
SPEAKER_05 (26:20):
I even wonder about this is me and you Josh, you and
Julie, Suzanne, you mightdisagree with me.
I'm not sure that I would givethem choice.
Okay.
Now that sounds uh that soundsawful and heretical, but what
I'm saying is I think I mightsay, hey, here's what we're
gonna be doing after schooltomorrow, and and I I just need
your help with something.
I feel like if you just it wassomething new and say, hey,
(26:44):
would you like to?
I'm gonna say the default'sgonna be what?
I I think you're gonna get a no,and then you're really in a
stuck place.
SPEAKER_00 (26:52):
I think you're right.
When one of the homes Isupervised out here, they took
their girls to the nursing hometo do community service.
And initially it was justgrumble grumble.
We're not, we don't want to dothis.
But the house parents there arejust like, no, this is what
we're doing as a home.
And the first probably they didit once a month.
The first two months, I thinkthe girls grumbled every time,
but after that, it became justpart of the routine.
(27:12):
And I think a lot of it also isthe enthusiasm and passion of
the staff doing it.
They were excited about it andthat became kind of contagious
to the kids.
And before too long, it wasn'tthe staff leading it, it was the
girls who were like, Yes, we'redoing this, and they were they
were the ones leading thecharge.
And so yeah, I think you'reexactly right.
SPEAKER_05 (27:27):
Well, I don't know.
I'm welcoming pushback on thatbecause normally I'd you'd like
to talk about choices, and itseems like without being bossy
and getting into a powerstruggle, but just kind of like
in a very loving way, hey, we'rethis is what we're gonna be
doing at three o'clock today.
I'm really needing your helpwith something.
Yeah, and here we go.
SPEAKER_03 (27:44):
You know, Mike, I love to push back when it's you,
but I agree with you.
You do push back.
SPEAKER_05 (27:49):
Well, this is on recorded too.
So I'm gonna save this forever.
SPEAKER_00 (27:55):
So, how early should parents start teaching kids
about helping others?
And what are someage-appropriate ways to do this?
SPEAKER_03 (28:01):
I don't really think you can start too early, right?
If they if they can walk andthey can talk, they can help.
And you know, we've talked aboutthat on previous podcasts uh
about how soon can we assignchores, right?
The same is true for communityservice.
And if you are involving themfrom a young age, then they just
know this is how our familyoperates and this is is what we
(28:23):
do.
So I think you can start thatyoung.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (28:26):
I mean, wow, I mean, how could a kiddo be too how
could it ever be too soon, likesay, to go visit a lonely person
at the nursing home and takethem a little take them a little
gift or something like that.
I mean, I can't imagine therewould be a too early time.
SPEAKER_03 (28:40):
Yeah, I was just gonna say, as far as it being
age appropriate, the child maynot understand we are going to
help other people.
They're just involved in it.
It just becomes part of how ourfamily operates.
SPEAKER_00 (28:50):
So maybe you can give me some examples of some
simple servic service projectsthat even young children can
participate in.
SPEAKER_03 (28:56):
You know, we about once a year we have a cleaning
day at our church.
And I think even very smallchildren can come and dust with
a rag, you know, push a broomout.
Right.
And and it's it's notnecessarily as helpful as it
might be.
It takes a little longer toclean when you've got in a a
young assistant.
But again, they see everybody'sparticipating, everybody's doing
(29:20):
that.
And so I know at the last, atthe last day we had our our
preacher and his wife have threechildren, and their youngest
daughter was probably five orsix at the time, and and she saw
everybody else working, and shewanted to be right in there with
whatever else we were doing.
And and so I think it's reallypowerful.
Whether you are visiting someonemaybe who lives home alone or
going to a nursing home, Ithink, you know, preparing food
(29:43):
for somebody, it's so easy toinvolve children in those
things.
Maybe not in working at Habitatfor Humanity.
You might need to be a littleolder for that, right?
Yeah.
Do you think that'cause they dohave an age learning?
Yeah, I think so.
But I think, you know, mostthings it it's more simple than
you think to involve a child.
SPEAKER_02 (30:00):
I think it's like if you're making a meal for
somebody, you know, maybe a mealtrain and for people at your
church or your community, takeyour kids with you to deliver
that meal.
It's not a big thing, but it's avery impactful experience for
them.
You know, if you're going to Ican remember when I was growing
up, my grandmother lived in anursing home.
(30:20):
And we never, when I wasyounger, we never went to visit
her.
She just came to our house.
And so the first few times Iwhen I became in high school and
I on my own went to go visither, it was uncomfortable to me
at first because I've never beenaround that experience.
Eventually I was verycomfortable there and I'd go a
(30:41):
lot and visit her.
But you know, if you're going tothose, just take your kids along
with you.
Even if they're not doinganything, they're experiencing
it.
SPEAKER_00 (30:50):
What role do parents play in modeling compassion and
a servant's heart for theirkids?
SPEAKER_02 (30:55):
Well, I think if you aren't role modeling it, it's
going to be hard to get yourkids involved in it.
SPEAKER_00 (31:01):
Yeah, sometimes I think we're really good at
telling kids you should go docommunity service or you should
go help other people and we'repointing the finger at them and
we don't really model goodbehavior ourselves.
It's I think much better to doit together.
Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_03 (31:12):
Do you know, Josh, when your kids were younger,
they went to VBS and they'vecontinued to go to VBS way past
the age when they're eligible toparticipate because they're
serving right alongside you andtheir mom.
SPEAKER_00 (31:24):
Aaron Powell So how can families connect the idea of
serving others to biblicalteaching and spiritual growth?
SPEAKER_05 (31:29):
Oh wow.
Well, uh that should beshouldn't be too difficult.
Uh one, we at the very core ofour gospel, you have Jesus
giving his life away.
You have the event on the crosson Good Friday where he gives
his life away.
And then you follow the theteaching of the New Testament,
and you have let's see, what didhe uh when Paul uh has his
(31:50):
conversion and he he meets withthe with the the higher ups in
Jerusalem and they affirmed himas a brother and commissioned
him to go out.
They said they only asked that Iremember the poor, which I was
eager, in fact, to do.
So that that was that was thethe pattern of the New Testament
church from the get-go was tomem remember the poor.
(32:12):
And I think, as best I know,that would have been an unusual
thing in the ancient Greco-Romanworld.
That just that that is whatChristians do.
And there's a there's a passagein Ephesians 20, 35 where Jesus
is quoted that uh it's moreblessed to give than to receive.
And it's funny, that's a placewhere Jesus is quoted not in
Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John,it's actually in Ephesians.
(32:35):
There was a saying that this hadbeen retold.
But it really is.
It's more bl blessed to givethan to receive.
And best way to it's a greatthing to teach and then to go
and take them out and toexperience it, and you'll find,
you know what, that's true.
SPEAKER_00 (32:49):
So, how do these kinds of experiences help
prepare kids to be goodneighbors, leaders, and
citizens?
SPEAKER_03 (32:55):
I think if you were to sit down and describe what
kind of neighbor would be yourideal neighbor, or what kind of
mayor or other elected leaderwould be your ideal leader, you
would include in thatdescription somebody who was
helpful, somebody who was kindtowards others and somebody who
was compassionate towardsothers, right?
(33:15):
Just how impactful that somebodyelse carried my trash can, you
know, back and forth.
Some s a neighbor that showed upand mowed my yard a week when I
was sick.
I mean, like all of the thewonderful things that you have
experienced yourself, that'sthat would be included in your
description.
SPEAKER_05 (33:32):
Yeah, I was thinking that this whole thing about
inviting kids into this life ofservice, it it really it will,
it's the it's the cure for theboredom that's eating our lunch
right now and the theentitlement and the boredom
where we flourish the way wewere created to flourish as as
far as uh so I hate to even talkabout just the the utility of of
(33:53):
this or the material benefitsfrom it, but there can't get
around this the fact thatemployers are looking for people
that have higher emotionalintelligence, as as you the word
you used earlier, Josh, thathave that kind of imagination
that can see other human beingsas human beings, not just
objects to to use for your ownpersonal benefit.
(34:14):
And it seems like these, thekids that would grow up knowing
how to serve, an employer wouldfind that refreshing because
they're probably gonna also justhave a natural work ethic and be
a delight to be around the kindof people that right now I think
are rare and in demand.
So I again I hate to throw youhate to throw community service
(34:35):
out there as a here's a way toget ahead in life.
But no, it's a it's a way toflourish because it's the way
God created us to be.
But when you're when you'reflourishing, you really are that
special person that people arelooking to and looking for,
right?
SPEAKER_04 (34:49):
All right, thank you so much for joining us today.
SPEAKER_00 (34:52):
If you'd like to contact us and ask us a
question, our email address ispodcast at calfarley.org.
I'll make sure and leave a linkin the description.
And as always, you might have toloan out your funnel lobe today.
Just make sure you remember andget them back.
SPEAKER_01 (35:04):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about CalFarley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchannel, or would like to help
us help children by donating toour mission, please visit
CalFarley.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(35:27):
Cal Farley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_00 (00:30):
Hello and welcome to the Brainbase Parenting Podcast.
Today we're going to talk aboutthe importance of community
service and how it can helpexpand our kids' awareness.
SPEAKER_02 (00:37):
To do that today, I'm joined by Julia Ortega,
Direct Care Staff Trainer.
SPEAKER_04 (00:41):
Mike Wilhelm, Director of Faith-Based
Outreach.
SPEAKER_03 (00:44):
Suzanne Wright, Vice President of Training and
Intervention.
SPEAKER_00 (00:47):
All right, let's kick off with our question of
the day.
What kind of community servicedo you enjoy most being involved
in?
SPEAKER_02 (00:53):
I think for me, I really enjoy cooking and serving
food.
That just makes me happy to beand I also like neighborhood
cleanup.
SPEAKER_05 (01:02):
Community service I like to do would be I've I've
just enjoyed community servicewith young people over the
years.
And I guess we'll be talkingabout that a lot in the podcast
today, but I've enjoyed any kindof community service with the I
I agree with both of you.
SPEAKER_03 (01:16):
I enjoy anything that serves others, but I also
have enjoyed being involved inevents where my children could
participate and we could servetogether.
SPEAKER_00 (01:25):
Yeah, I think that's one of the best things to be
able to do is just serve withyour kids.
And that's one of my I I lovevacation Bible school helping
serve with that.
And I don't know what it is.
It's just such a fun,exhausting, but fun outreach.
And I remember our pastor onetime before vacation Bible
school started just asked thecongregation how many people
first heard about Jesus duringvacation Bible school?
(01:47):
And like three quarters of thecongregation's hands went up.
And I just thought it was such acool, powerful outreach.
And so I just love being part ofthat.
So why is it important for kidsto develop an awareness of
others outside of themselves,especially in today's culture?
SPEAKER_03 (02:00):
Part of a child's brain development is to be
focused on their selves, right?
For for young children, it'shard for them to see things from
another person's perspective.
But as they get older, theydevelop that capacity to look
outside of themselves to see theneeds of others.
And I think that's that'simportant.
It's always easy to feel sorryfor yourself or bad about
(02:22):
something you don't have untilyou encounter people in
situations even more difficultthan your own.
And I think it really helpsbroaden your perspective and and
it helps appreciate what youhave, helps you to appreciate
what you have.
SPEAKER_02 (02:35):
I think when you serve other people as well,
especially people that are indire need of support.
I think it's also helps youngpeople to remove judgment when
they get to know those people aspeople.
SPEAKER_03 (02:50):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (02:50):
And it removes judgment of who they think those
people really are.
SPEAKER_03 (02:55):
Yeah, they're they're no longer a group,
they're individual human beings.
SPEAKER_05 (02:59):
Well, that's a great point.
SPEAKER_00 (03:22):
So what might be some of the long-term benefits
socially, emotionally, andspiritually of involving kids in
service or volunteer work?
SPEAKER_03 (03:30):
Aaron Ross Powell I think that's a pattern that you
can set with children whenthey're young to develop in them
the importance of service toothers and and they can carry
that throughout their lives.
Just like Julie said, it helpsthem to see other people for who
they truly are.
It helps you be grateful forwhat you have, it connects you
to other people.
I just think it's one of themost important activities you
(03:53):
can expose your child to.
SPEAKER_05 (03:55):
Probably Suzanne, Josh, Julie, you've read some
Viktor Frankel.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (04:00):
It's been a long time.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (04:02):
Yeah.
Man's Search for Meaning.
And he was a, for those who whoaren't familiar, he was a
psychiatrist that was a Jewishpsychiatrist who was
incarcerated in the the famousAuschwitz death camp, right, in
Nazi Germany, and survived itand lived to tell the tale.
And he he says that he noticedfrom that awful experience there
that people can live withwithout means, but we can't live
(04:25):
without meaning.
So yeah, he saw people in very,very just just with every
material thing stripped away.
But those who had somethingmeaningful, and a lot of times
it was serving their fellow manthere in that awful condition.
But I think he's on tosomething, and here we you know,
we can live with uh all kinds ofstuff, but if we don't if we
(04:46):
don't have meaning, and if ourkids uh don't have meaning, it's
they simply won't flourish.
So it's it's important to getfor them to be able to be
engaged, right?
SPEAKER_03 (04:57):
My kids were involved in 4 H when they were
younger.
You yours too, right, Mike?
SPEAKER_05 (05:01):
Oh yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_03 (05:02):
Yeah.
And and one of the things Ialways appreciated about 4 H was
that regardless of thecompetition, whether you were
showing animals or baking orsewing, whatever your um
activity was, there was acommunity service component to
it.
So, you know, there it it had tobe connected in some way.
So if you were cooking, youmight cook for another family or
(05:24):
cook for someone in thecommunity or an event.
If you were sewing, you mightmake black blankets to take to a
nursing home.
Or, but every single part ofthat had a community service
component.
And I felt like it was soimportant for the kids to have
that part.
You know, I'm not I'm not justproducing this food or raising
this animal, but I'm alsocontributing something to the
(05:47):
community as as part of this,and that's a central tenet of
4-H.
SPEAKER_05 (05:52):
Yeah, I I appreciate that.
And I had that experience.
I was in 4-H myself.
And it sure it's oh, it's it'spart of the that program, if you
will.
So it seems a little bitartificial or what it's you
know, prescribed rather thanjust being something natural,
but that's how most things uhhow we get started, right?
Introduced to something that'sdifferent.
(06:13):
So I found that it was verybeneficial to be asked to do
that, introduced to some kind ofcommunity service, and then it
it does kind of, I don't know,kind of greases the skids, then
all suddenly that becomes moreof a natural thing that that
you're drawn to.
I I think too, uh you probablyhave had some involved with
scouts, and I I don't have ascouting background, but I think
(06:35):
that's a component of of uhscouts and those that would go
on to be an Eagle Scout.
I think that's a big component,isn't it?
SPEAKER_02 (06:42):
Yeah, yeah.
And the Eagle Scout, I think,project is a community service
project.
It has to be something for thecommunity or for others.
SPEAKER_05 (06:50):
For for great reason, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (06:52):
We try to look for opportunities for our kids that
live at Boys Ranch to providecommunity service to others,
which is so important.
And one of Cal Farley's sayingswas if it's good for the kids,
it's more work for the adults.
And I find that to be very true,right?
Anytime you're trying to getkids involved in community
service, that's gonna take someeffort and creativity and
(07:12):
planning on on the part of theadult, but it's so valuable.
Julie, if I remember correctly,when you and Ray were house
parenting, didn't you take kidsto work on Habitat for Humanity
homes?
SPEAKER_02 (07:24):
Yeah, one Saturday a month, we would go to Habitat
for Humanity as a home.
And on those days, we likepacked a lunch.
We didn't go out to eat.
We packed a lunch.
We actually at one point, one ofthe boys in the home, his mother
was trying to work towards ahome.
And so we got it approved formine and Ray's hours to work
(07:47):
towards her hours because shedidn't have any family except
her son that lived with us.
SPEAKER_06 (07:51):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (07:52):
And so that was that was one of the best experiences
through community service we hadas house parents was getting to
watch that process through thewhole process.
And then eventually the boys gotto be at her ribbon cutting for
her.
When she got a house, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (08:09):
Oh wow.
SPEAKER_02 (08:09):
Yeah, and the boys actually earn the golden hammer
a lot.
SPEAKER_04 (08:12):
Oh, really?
SPEAKER_02 (08:13):
Yeah.
Through doing that communityservice.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (08:15):
And so what what would you say the impact was on
the boys in your home who workedwith you at Habitat for
Humanity?
SPEAKER_02 (08:23):
I think greatest things to watch was they would
always be paired up withsomebody older, and that older
person was always teaching thema new skill.
And so that was cool to get tosee those relationships and for
them to start buildingconnections in the community.
And for people in the communityto see our kids as not
(08:43):
delinquents or you know, troublekids that are.
They were producers, notconsumers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then our kids, like in thehome, we saw things like them
helping each other out when theydid um to help somebody in the
home out, or just able to havebetter conversations, even about
what each other needed and whateach other could do to help.
(09:05):
So it just, I mean, it just bledthroughout their whole time at
the ranch.
That's so great.
About three hours a month atHabitat for Humanity.
SPEAKER_05 (09:16):
You know, that we had one of our Iona project
interns a couple years ago wastaking groups of boys' ranch,
teams of boys ranch kids down towork on a Habitat for Humanity
home.
He did that over a year's time.
And I think that I think hisboys ranch group was the main
they were the main hands thatbuilt this particular home.
(09:37):
And then there was a family theywere there for presenting that
home where it was a it was a a arefugee family that was had
immigrated to the United States,some that came from some very
difficult circumstances, and itwas so it was a beautiful thing
to behold.
And probably jumping ahead,Josh, on the with but the magic
of it is the kids love going onthose trips.
(09:59):
And I don't know, listenersmight wonder, well, I don't know
if that would really go over.
Would they want to do this?
And they would be lined up, theywould waiting list, wanting to
go on those trips.
They just were so jazzed bythose trips.
SPEAKER_03 (10:10):
I think, you know, we can remember when we were
young children how excited wewere to get a gift.
But at some point in ourdevelopment, something in your
brain switches and you becomereally excited about giving
gifts to other people.
You know, try to think back whatwas the first time you remember
that you were so excited to givea gift to someone else, you
could barely keep it a surprise.
(10:31):
You wanted to give it early.
And so that was encouraged,right?
At some point, we kind of flipthat switch and we learn the
value of giving to others andand how it truly blesses us.
SPEAKER_00 (10:43):
How does helping others build empathy,
compassion, and other emotionalintelligence in children?
SPEAKER_03 (10:48):
You know, we used to have a a set of house parents
here on campus who had served asmissionaries in Mexico, uh, Tim
and Susan Nation, and they werefabulous in both of those roles.
They were house parents at atime where the border situation
was safe enough for us to takechildren to do missionary
projects.
I love to visit with the kidswhen they would come back from
(11:09):
those trips because they hadsuch an amazing experience.
You know, I think most teenagershave, you know, a mental list of
what you need to be happy,right?
What kind of shoes do you needand what what's the brand of
jeans you should be wearing andwhat kind of phone do you have?
And do you have a car and whatdoes that look like?
And, you know, what kind of jobsdo your parents have, or do you
live on the correct side oftown?
(11:30):
You know, all of those things.
And our kids have those liststoo.
But they would go to Mexico andthey would interact with kids
who lived in an orphanage withoutdoor toilets and dirt floors
and mismatched clothes, and yetthose kids were happy.
And so our residents had to askthemselves, they don't have
anything on the list, but whatmakes them happy?
And it and it caused them tokind of question their paradigm.
(11:54):
And so anytime those kids gotback from a mission trip, I like
to, you know, kind of track themdown one by one and have that
conversation and just say, tellme about your trip and tell tell
me about you what you learned.
And they were just excited andimpacted on a long-term basis,
right?
They learned some lessonsthrough giving to others that
are gonna last them a lifetime.
(12:15):
And it was always such anencouragement to me as well.
SPEAKER_00 (12:18):
What about the emotional intelligence part?
I've heard a lot of researcherssaying that employers are now
really, really looking forpeople who have high emotional
intelligence as opposed to justIQ.
How does it help develop thatand why is that so important?
SPEAKER_05 (12:31):
I would like, just so I'm clear on what that means,
and some listeners might wantemotional intelligence.
What what exactly are we talkingabout when you say emotional
intelligence?
SPEAKER_00 (12:40):
Aaron Powell Well, I think it's the awareness of
ourselves in relation to otherpeople's emotions and just being
able to read read the roomreally and see how other people
what needs they have and how youcan meet their needs type thing.
SPEAKER_05 (12:53):
Well, no, I that I I appreciate that.
We're probably are we're we'rein some uncharted waters right
now, and I know I hate to soundlike a broken record on the
podcast, but we are in a adigital age.
Uh I mean, kids are growing up,they're having a screen-based
childhood as opposed to aplay-based childhood, and that's
just reality.
And with that, there's there areless uh social interactions in
(13:16):
the room that happened.
Used to be part of normal humandevelopment up until now.
So without that practice andwithout just, I'm sure the the
neural connections that happenfrom that, we we will tend to
really be lacking that abilityto read the room, know how
someone else is feeling, how torespond, what's appropriate.
So uh these type of things toget out to serve others is
(13:40):
really a great way to helpenrich those kind of necessary
experiences, don't you think?
SPEAKER_03 (13:46):
I do.
I agree with that.
And you know, I see a lotculturally now that the person
with the biggest platform andthe loudest voice dictates that
everybody else should see theworld the way they see the
world.
And that's just not reality,right?
You know, in in most workenvironments, unless you work
from home and you're fairlyisolated, you work with other
people that you have to maintainrelationships with.
(14:08):
Our brain defaults to the ideathat everybody sees the world
the way we see it.
I think Josh mentioned thatrecently on a podcast.
And in reality, that's just nottrue.
We all have our own experiencesthat that have shaped how we see
the world.
And we have to be respectful ofother people's backgrounds and
experiences as well.
And that requires some emotionalintelligence.
SPEAKER_02 (14:29):
I think one thing too that doing for others
teaches us that we can't gainfrom like social media or being
connected to um our digitalthings is compassion.
SPEAKER_06 (14:41):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (14:42):
And I think that's so important for kids to learn
compassion and how to not onlyhelp serve others, but how to
treat others.
And I I think that's somethingthat is well learned through
community service.
I agree.
SPEAKER_00 (14:56):
Amen.
I think we've talked a littlebit about this, but how does
community service help kidsdevelop gratitude and
perspective, especially whenthey see people who have less
than they do?
SPEAKER_05 (15:04):
You know, Suzanne, you talked about the the trips
that Tim and Sue Nation helpedwith, and I I I was blessed to
be uh part of a number of thosetrips.
And where we went to uh toMexico and did some service
projects, we would a lot oftimes we would build a casita
for someone that didn't havehousing.
But one thing that we did was wewould drive through cardboard
(15:25):
city, whatever the differentnicknames they gave the
neighborhood, but it'd be acres,people living in shelter built
out of pallet and cardboard outin just a dirt area.
And we had a group of kids downthere, one holiday break, and
these are kids that didn't havethe they stayed with us on ranch
through the holiday because theywere from quite a ways out of
(15:47):
state, and they they were justso happened it was a bunch of
oh, I just love these guys.
They were kind of rough bunch,and they were from inner city,
Philly, inner city of NewJersey, and Chicago.
They were all inner c kids fromthe inner city.
They were not the easiest bunchto be in the van with for a
10-hour drive.
Okay, but and they were and theyweren't the easiest bunch to
(16:10):
direct, but when we drovethrough that cardboard, the the
cardboard city, the van gotquiet.
And I mean just quiet, nobodysaying a word.
And finally I heard one in theback, and he was a real he's a
real mouthy kid.
And he said, Man, he said, Ithought the hood was bad.
And that driving through andgetting that perspective of how
(16:32):
other people with what littlesome people might live with and
those conditions, that that wasalways just very helpful.
And it wasn't that you want tothrow some kind of an unhealthy
guilt trip onto kids that thator anybody, that that that
doesn't get us anywhere.
But to see to get thatperspective and hopefully just
awaken new levels of gratitudeand more of a commitment to
(16:54):
service, right?
SPEAKER_03 (16:55):
When my children were in middle school, our
church had a three or four-daycamp town.
They didn't leave and gosomewhere, but it was kind of a
camp where they did communityservice all day in the evening.
They got to have a fun activity.
They, you know, made sandwichesand took bottles of water and
fed homeless people in the park,or they went to an animal
(17:15):
shelter and played with it.
I mean, they did a variety ofthings, but it was 8 a.m.
to 5 p.m.
They were working and they weredoing things for other people.
You know, in the evening theymight swim or but each child
will tell you that was theirmost favorite summer activity
ever.
Over any other kind of camp orfun thing that they did, that
community service had thebiggest impact, I think, for
(17:37):
some of the same reasons.
They weren't told you ought tobe happy for what you have,
right?
But they were led to someinsight that showed them, hey,
not everybody has what you have,right?
And and through no virtue ofyour own do you have those
things.
But you could be helpful toother people.
And I just think it it was verypowerful.
SPEAKER_05 (17:55):
That's such a great point, too, about, and I know
when we're frustrated when ourwhen our young friends, our kids
are at their worst, and youknow, some days are gonna be at
their worst, it it's gonna pushour buttons, and our our
reservoir of compassion andpatience has been exhausted.
And we will want to go therewhere we want to lecture that
you should be grateful for whatyou have.
(18:17):
And what that's doing really isas I'm frustrated and I go
there, it's really touching onsome, it's kind of shaming.
That does not generate a a goodresult, which is what we want
with our kids.
We we would want them to awakento gratitude and and and feel a
commitment or being compelled toservice.
If I'm tapping into a kind of ashaming thing, that just shuts
(18:40):
the whole thing down.
And you cannot lecture someoneinto gratitude.
But if you show them or invitethem into an experience, it's
it's just magical what canhappen.
SPEAKER_00 (18:52):
So, what might be some signs that a child may be
becoming too self-focused orlacking awareness of others'
needs?
SPEAKER_03 (18:58):
Well, I think when that list starts to get longer,
that that list of here are thethings I need to be happy, and a
and a focus on things or a focuson keeping up with other people,
which which we are inundatedwith in our culture, right?
We're constantly shown throughsocial media and advertising
that we are lacking in some wayand that we need X, Y, or Z to
(19:19):
be happy.
SPEAKER_05 (19:20):
I would say boredom is good too.
Yeah, I would say boredom is isa red flag showing that this
kiddo right now is notflourishing.
If they're if they're reallystuck in a state of boredom,
there probably is aself-centered focus.
And the harder you lean intothat, the the more boredom and
despair and just meaninglessnessthat that life brings.
(19:44):
And you can't you can try tofeed it with more and more
material things or self-centeredthings, and it just won't get
you there.
So I would say boredom would beone of those things that would
tip me off that may maybethere's a there's a lack of uh
there's a self-focus and a lackof awareness.
Um would you say?
SPEAKER_00 (20:00):
Yeah, I've heard also that the brain can't
process the emotions of anxietyand gratitude at the same time,
that they're polar opposites.
So if a kid is feeling anxious,then that might be a pretty good
warning sign that they'relacking some gratitude and some
some service to others might bea good remediation for that.
SPEAKER_05 (20:19):
It seems like that joy entitlement, boredom and
entitlement and joy don't can'treally go together either, and
either.
So entitlement and and boredomis kind of a joy killer, but on
the other hand, joy just reallydoes it extinguishes all of
that.
It's so but you said what werethe two you said can't exist
(20:39):
together?
SPEAKER_00 (20:40):
Anxiety and gratitude.
And gratitude.
Yeah, that's good.
So what encouragement would yougive to parents who feel that
their child is struggling withempathy or doesn't show much
interest in others' needs?
SPEAKER_03 (20:49):
As we've talked about, I think it'd be great to
find an opportunity forcommunity service.
And I don't think you have tolook far, right?
Whether you live in a in a smalltown or a big town, there are
generally opportunities there,involvement at church or 4-H, or
you know, look to find a need.
What did uh the movie Robotssaid?
You know, see a need, feel aneed.
(21:11):
And so I think that all aroundyou there are opportunities to
to serve in your community, butyou set you set the example,
right?
You're the role model.
What do they see that you alsovalue service to others?
And and I don't think it alwayshas to be a big production,
right?
SPEAKER_05 (21:29):
That's a great point.
SPEAKER_03 (21:30):
But but do they see that that you open a door for
someone?
I have a pet peeve when I seesomeone pushing a wheelchair or
someone with a strollerstruggling to get through a door
and people are just walkingright by.
You know, so my children weretaught from a young age, you
better have your eye on thatdoor and you better beat me to
it, right?
But I mean, that's that'simportant.
Or you see sometimes thatsomebody in a drive-thru will
(21:52):
say, Hey, I want to pay for theperson behind me.
I mean, those are smallgestures, they don't take a lot
of time or a lot of effort, butyour kids are watching.
SPEAKER_05 (22:00):
Oh, that's a great point.
SPEAKER_02 (22:02):
I think there's room almost in daily life to do
something for somebody else.
And and I agree with Suzanne, itdoesn't, you don't have to plan
this big thing.
It could be, let's go pick uptrash on our street.
Or may we we had somebody inRay's mom's neighborhood that
when they would have to puttheir trash out, there was a boy
(22:22):
in the in the on the street thatwould go and put all everybody's
trash cans on.
Such a simple thing, but such asweet, sweet thing um to do for
and it was young and old, itdidn't matter.
You got your trash can put back,you know, where it went after
after the trash had been pickedup.
Just a simple thing that wassuch a huge gesture.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (22:42):
You know, I I would caution uh any you know, parent
listening, if things are kind ofat a stuck point right now, and
can easily be the case,especially if I have a a a young
person or a teenager that'sreally stuck into their
electronics, which is realcommon now.
So I understand it.
You uh there's it's easy to befrustrated, hear a podcast like
(23:03):
this, and then kind of have aknee-jerk reaction, uh almost an
angry knee-jerk reaction.
Well, we're gonna do communityservice.
SPEAKER_06 (23:10):
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (23:11):
Good luck on that.
Okay, I'll bet it's probably notgonna go well.
To uh and and like Suzanne said,it doesn't have to be, at least
for starters, like a big thing,but it could be a small thing
for them just to watch.
Might just uh, you know, ask mymy teenager, hey, I'm I need
your help with something hereafter school today.
Would you go with me and go downand you take some hams down to
(23:32):
the the food bank right atThanksgiving?
They were just right in themiddle of that, and I'll I'll
bet you that would be a positiveexperience.
But it has a chance if thingsright now are a real stuck
point, some some things likethat where you don't have to,
one, don't have a knee-jerkreaction and do it out of anger,
and then you don't necessarilyhave to all of a sudden we're
(23:54):
gonna just do it all and havethis big event thing.
But for starters, just findsomething that could have a some
success with it, right?
SPEAKER_02 (24:02):
I think your language is important too, Mike.
Like instead of like reframingcommunity service into just
helping others, I think might bebetter perceived and just as
natural.
Yeah.
And just can become part of yournatural way your family does
things.
Community service does make youthink about, oh, I have to go to
(24:22):
this big project and the wholefamily's gonna be drug-along.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (24:26):
I mean, there are times where where kids and or
adults are assigned communityservice as a punishment through
the legal system.
And so you certainly don't wantit to become that, but you just
really want it to become here'ssomething that our family does.
As we were talking, I had thismemory from many, many years ago
when I was a little girl and Iwas in the brownies.
I didn't go on to Girl Scouts,but I was a brownie.
(24:48):
And and we had a meeting wherewe were told a story about
brownies.
And as I remember, they werealmost like fairies, and they
went into this older couple'shome at night and took took care
of all sorts of little choresthat needed to be done.
And the intent was that we wouldgo home and also do chores for
our family, right?
You know, just secretly pick upthe trash or fold the laundry,
(25:10):
or you know, but but that wassomething instilled in us at a
very young age through thetelling of a story, but it
inspired us to go home and dothose things.
SPEAKER_05 (25:18):
Wow.
SPEAKER_03 (25:19):
I hadn't thought about that in many years.
SPEAKER_05 (25:21):
I'll bet you were a good brownie.
Pretty good.
But but I I can think too,there's there's so much
potential, especially if thishas not been part of someone's
uh the way you you've been doingparenting, and all of a sudden
you're hearing this message, andokay, we need to get started
with this.
And I agree you do.
For me to make sure that there'sa it's easy for this to go off
the rails at first, where all ofa sudden we're doing this new
(25:44):
thing, and there's also there'sthere's almost a shaming with
it.
And it's all about you're I'mneeding to fix, you know, the
the teenagers just hearing,okay, I'm there I there's
something wrong with me.
We're trying to fix me.
And I would say as an adult tomy you know, my kiddo, hey, I
just realized I've been a lotmore self-centered than I should
be.
And and I know I'm I'm theparent here, but you know, I
(26:05):
mess up too, and I feel like weneed to, you know, or something
I need to do.
I want to know, would you comealong with me and yeah and
invite them along?
So it's not all targeting thekid and they're feeling like
we're trying to fix them.
Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_03 (26:18):
Uh yeah, that's good advice.
SPEAKER_05 (26:20):
I even wonder about this is me and you Josh, you and
Julie, Suzanne, you mightdisagree with me.
I'm not sure that I would givethem choice.
Okay.
Now that sounds uh that soundsawful and heretical, but what
I'm saying is I think I mightsay, hey, here's what we're
gonna be doing after schooltomorrow, and and I I just need
your help with something.
I feel like if you just it wassomething new and say, hey,
(26:44):
would you like to?
I'm gonna say the default'sgonna be what?
I I think you're gonna get a no,and then you're really in a
stuck place.
SPEAKER_00 (26:52):
I think you're right.
When one of the homes Isupervised out here, they took
their girls to the nursing hometo do community service.
And initially it was justgrumble grumble.
We're not, we don't want to dothis.
But the house parents there arejust like, no, this is what
we're doing as a home.
And the first probably they didit once a month.
The first two months, I thinkthe girls grumbled every time,
but after that, it became justpart of the routine.
(27:12):
And I think a lot of it also isthe enthusiasm and passion of
the staff doing it.
They were excited about it andthat became kind of contagious
to the kids.
And before too long, it wasn'tthe staff leading it, it was the
girls who were like, Yes, we'redoing this, and they were they
were the ones leading thecharge.
And so yeah, I think you'reexactly right.
SPEAKER_05 (27:27):
Well, I don't know.
I'm welcoming pushback on thatbecause normally I'd you'd like
to talk about choices, and itseems like without being bossy
and getting into a powerstruggle, but just kind of like
in a very loving way, hey, we'rethis is what we're gonna be
doing at three o'clock today.
I'm really needing your helpwith something.
Yeah, and here we go.
SPEAKER_03 (27:44):
You know, Mike, I love to push back when it's you,
but I agree with you.
You do push back.
SPEAKER_05 (27:49):
Well, this is on recorded too.
So I'm gonna save this forever.
SPEAKER_00 (27:55):
So, how early should parents start teaching kids
about helping others?
And what are someage-appropriate ways to do this?
SPEAKER_03 (28:01):
I don't really think you can start too early, right?
If they if they can walk andthey can talk, they can help.
And you know, we've talked aboutthat on previous podcasts uh
about how soon can we assignchores, right?
The same is true for communityservice.
And if you are involving themfrom a young age, then they just
know this is how our familyoperates and this is is what we
(28:23):
do.
So I think you can start thatyoung.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (28:26):
I mean, wow, I mean, how could a kiddo be too how
could it ever be too soon, likesay, to go visit a lonely person
at the nursing home and takethem a little take them a little
gift or something like that.
I mean, I can't imagine therewould be a too early time.
SPEAKER_03 (28:40):
Yeah, I was just gonna say, as far as it being
age appropriate, the child maynot understand we are going to
help other people.
They're just involved in it.
It just becomes part of how ourfamily operates.
SPEAKER_00 (28:50):
So maybe you can give me some examples of some
simple servic service projectsthat even young children can
participate in.
SPEAKER_03 (28:56):
You know, we about once a year we have a cleaning
day at our church.
And I think even very smallchildren can come and dust with
a rag, you know, push a broomout.
Right.
And and it's it's notnecessarily as helpful as it
might be.
It takes a little longer toclean when you've got in a a
young assistant.
But again, they see everybody'sparticipating, everybody's doing
(29:20):
that.
And so I know at the last, atthe last day we had our our
preacher and his wife have threechildren, and their youngest
daughter was probably five orsix at the time, and and she saw
everybody else working, and shewanted to be right in there with
whatever else we were doing.
And and so I think it's reallypowerful.
Whether you are visiting someonemaybe who lives home alone or
going to a nursing home, Ithink, you know, preparing food
(29:43):
for somebody, it's so easy toinvolve children in those
things.
Maybe not in working at Habitatfor Humanity.
You might need to be a littleolder for that, right?
Yeah.
Do you think that'cause they dohave an age learning?
Yeah, I think so.
But I think, you know, mostthings it it's more simple than
you think to involve a child.
SPEAKER_02 (30:00):
I think it's like if you're making a meal for
somebody, you know, maybe a mealtrain and for people at your
church or your community, takeyour kids with you to deliver
that meal.
It's not a big thing, but it's avery impactful experience for
them.
You know, if you're going to Ican remember when I was growing
up, my grandmother lived in anursing home.
(30:20):
And we never, when I wasyounger, we never went to visit
her.
She just came to our house.
And so the first few times Iwhen I became in high school and
I on my own went to go visither, it was uncomfortable to me
at first because I've never beenaround that experience.
Eventually I was verycomfortable there and I'd go a
(30:41):
lot and visit her.
But you know, if you're going tothose, just take your kids along
with you.
Even if they're not doinganything, they're experiencing
it.
SPEAKER_00 (30:50):
What role do parents play in modeling compassion and
a servant's heart for theirkids?
SPEAKER_02 (30:55):
Well, I think if you aren't role modeling it, it's
going to be hard to get yourkids involved in it.
SPEAKER_00 (31:01):
Yeah, sometimes I think we're really good at
telling kids you should go docommunity service or you should
go help other people and we'repointing the finger at them and
we don't really model goodbehavior ourselves.
It's I think much better to doit together.
Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_03 (31:12):
Do you know, Josh, when your kids were younger,
they went to VBS and they'vecontinued to go to VBS way past
the age when they're eligible toparticipate because they're
serving right alongside you andtheir mom.
SPEAKER_00 (31:24):
Aaron Powell So how can families connect the idea of
serving others to biblicalteaching and spiritual growth?
SPEAKER_05 (31:29):
Oh wow.
Well, uh that should beshouldn't be too difficult.
Uh one, we at the very core ofour gospel, you have Jesus
giving his life away.
You have the event on the crosson Good Friday where he gives
his life away.
And then you follow the theteaching of the New Testament,
and you have let's see, what didhe uh when Paul uh has his
(31:50):
conversion and he he meets withthe with the the higher ups in
Jerusalem and they affirmed himas a brother and commissioned
him to go out.
They said they only asked that Iremember the poor, which I was
eager, in fact, to do.
So that that was that was thethe pattern of the New Testament
church from the get-go was tomem remember the poor.
(32:12):
And I think, as best I know,that would have been an unusual
thing in the ancient Greco-Romanworld.
That just that that is whatChristians do.
And there's a there's a passagein Ephesians 20, 35 where Jesus
is quoted that uh it's moreblessed to give than to receive.
And it's funny, that's a placewhere Jesus is quoted not in
Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John,it's actually in Ephesians.
(32:35):
There was a saying that this hadbeen retold.
But it really is.
It's more bl blessed to givethan to receive.
And best way to it's a greatthing to teach and then to go
and take them out and toexperience it, and you'll find,
you know what, that's true.
SPEAKER_00 (32:49):
So, how do these kinds of experiences help
prepare kids to be goodneighbors, leaders, and
citizens?
SPEAKER_03 (32:55):
I think if you were to sit down and describe what
kind of neighbor would be yourideal neighbor, or what kind of
mayor or other elected leaderwould be your ideal leader, you
would include in thatdescription somebody who was
helpful, somebody who was kindtowards others and somebody who
was compassionate towardsothers, right?
(33:15):
Just how impactful that somebodyelse carried my trash can, you
know, back and forth.
Some s a neighbor that showed upand mowed my yard a week when I
was sick.
I mean, like all of the thewonderful things that you have
experienced yourself, that'sthat would be included in your
description.
SPEAKER_05 (33:32):
Yeah, I was thinking that this whole thing about
inviting kids into this life ofservice, it it really it will,
it's the it's the cure for theboredom that's eating our lunch
right now and the theentitlement and the boredom
where we flourish the way wewere created to flourish as as
far as uh so I hate to even talkabout just the the utility of of
(33:53):
this or the material benefitsfrom it, but there can't get
around this the fact thatemployers are looking for people
that have higher emotionalintelligence, as as you the word
you used earlier, Josh, thathave that kind of imagination
that can see other human beingsas human beings, not just
objects to to use for your ownpersonal benefit.
(34:14):
And it seems like these, thekids that would grow up knowing
how to serve, an employer wouldfind that refreshing because
they're probably gonna also justhave a natural work ethic and be
a delight to be around the kindof people that right now I think
are rare and in demand.
So I again I hate to throw youhate to throw community service
(34:35):
out there as a here's a way toget ahead in life.
But no, it's a it's a way toflourish because it's the way
God created us to be.
But when you're when you'reflourishing, you really are that
special person that people arelooking to and looking for,
right?
SPEAKER_04 (34:49):
All right, thank you so much for joining us today.
SPEAKER_00 (34:52):
If you'd like to contact us and ask us a
question, our email address ispodcast at calfarley.org.
I'll make sure and leave a linkin the description.
And as always, you might have toloan out your funnel lobe today.
Just make sure you remember andget them back.
SPEAKER_01 (35:04):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about CalFarley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchannel, or would like to help
us help children by donating toour mission, please visit
CalFarley.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(35:27):
Cal Farley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
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Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com