October 21, 2025 • 17 mins
We end our Parent Trap series by unpacking mixed style parenting—why inconsistency breeds anxiety and mistrust, and how to replace it with steady, human follow-through. We map the biggest traps and share simple, repeatable steps for alignment and repair.
If you like the show, please tell a friend or family member, especially if you want to give them some awareness that maybe they're stepping into one of these traps
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Hello and welcome.
Today we're going to concludeour parent trap series by
discussing mixed style traps.
SPEAKER_03 (00:35):
To do that today, I'm joined by Julia Ortega,
Direct Care Staff Trainer.
Emily Tennyson, clinicalintervention specialist.
SPEAKER_01 (00:42):
Alright, so let's jump into our question of the
day.
Tell me what your most mixed-upmeal you've ever eaten is or
made.
SPEAKER_02 (00:49):
I think for me, one of the things that is kind of
mixed up that I would like tosnack on is to take a sweet
pickle and wrap it in a slice ofcheese and then wrap that in a
slice of ham.
That is interesting.
SPEAKER_03 (01:02):
That sounds delicious.
Mine would be the original nachocheese Doritos with a scoop of
the canned Fritos bean dip and ahamburger pickle chip on top.
SPEAKER_01 (01:14):
Mine's weird, but it's surprisingly good.
I like apple pie with a slice ofcheddar cheese on the top of it.
SPEAKER_02 (01:20):
My dad did too.
He loved that.
SPEAKER_01 (01:24):
It sounds really gross, but it's actually
surprisingly good.
All right.
So today we're going to talkabout the mixed style of
parenting and the traps thatkind of come along with that.
So when you hear the term mixedstyle parenting, what comes to
your mind?
SPEAKER_03 (01:36):
I first think inconsistency, possibly
authoritarian in onecircumstance while being passive
in another circumstance.
SPEAKER_02 (01:45):
Yeah, I think inconsistency is probably the
key thing I think of as well.
Just not really being one parenttype.
SPEAKER_03 (01:53):
It could be due to stress, it could be due to
burnout, even personal history,different triggers, things like
that.
SPEAKER_02 (01:59):
Not understanding what to do in a situation, too,
maybe.
SPEAKER_01 (02:02):
So because of all those factors, what do you think
the most likely outcome of thisstyle will have on a kid's
behavior?
SPEAKER_03 (02:08):
Kids who are possibly confused about
authority, not knowing what toexpect, not knowing how to
communicate their needs.
SPEAKER_02 (02:15):
I think too, it'll cause trust issues, maybe.
If there's a lot ofinconsistency, then it would be
hard to trust.
They might walk on eggshells.
SPEAKER_01 (02:23):
Yeah, that's what came to my mind is always
walking on eggshells, neverknowing what to expect.
How might that kid's world bethen if they're always walking
on eggshells?
SPEAKER_03 (02:31):
It's like changing the roles of a board game
mid-play.
Frustrating, confusing,anxiety-provoking.
SPEAKER_02 (02:36):
I think it lends to opportunity for lots of
withdrawal or even lashing out.
SPEAKER_01 (02:41):
So, what might be, along those lines, some other
common behaviors that would stemfrom this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_03 (02:47):
Kids with an anxious attachment style, overunder
functioning perfectionism,either blowing up or shutting
down, kind of like opposite endsof the spectrum type.
SPEAKER_01 (02:55):
Yeah, that's kind of what I thought too, that they're
all over the place.
That a lot of the otherparenting trap styles we talked
about were probably the kid haspretty predictable response to
what's going on.
But for these kids, they'reprobably gonna be, you never
know what to be to expectbecause they don't know what to
expect.
And that can be really confusingfor a lot of people who have to
interact with that kid.
Do you think?
SPEAKER_03 (03:15):
Yeah, I agree.
It could be sometimes navigatingwith your head, sometimes
navigating with your heart, andsometimes navigating in panic.
SPEAKER_01 (03:21):
So, what do you think like outside people think
of kids who have these differentstyles of parenting, like
teachers and coaches and Sundayschool people?
What do you think their theirimpression of these kids are?
SPEAKER_02 (03:32):
Would it be too much to say they're out of control?
Or maybe that they're problemchildren, probably non-compliant
children.
SPEAKER_03 (03:40):
Because it probably makes those adults uncomfortable
not knowing how the kids aregoing to respond.
Yeah.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (03:46):
Yeah, I think we as adults, we love predictability,
and these kids are not going tobe very predictable.
So what do you think they'regoing to do because of that?
How well might they relate tothese kids?
SPEAKER_02 (03:55):
They won't maybe ignore them.
I I think you could see theirrelationship on both ends of the
spectrum as well.
They maybe won't relate or theywill react to them, overreact to
them.
SPEAKER_01 (04:07):
All right.
So let's start with some of themost common traps that parents
fall into when it comes to themixed parenting style, sometimes
authoritarian, sometimespassive.
The first one is called thewhiplash trap.
Children are punished harshlyone moment and then completely
excused the next, depending onthe parent's mood or their
stress level.
So, how would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what are
some common behaviors that mightcome from this?
SPEAKER_03 (04:29):
This could be common when a parent hasn't learned
regulation tools because theydon't know how to regulate
themselves, they react out ofthe current emotional state that
they're in.
SPEAKER_02 (04:37):
I think too, one of the things I thought about
thinking about this the whiplashtrap was if my kid has done
something that is against one ofmy cherished beliefs, I might
punish harsher than if it wasjust some ordinary everyday
thing that I needed toconsequence.
But if it's something that istruly a cherished belief, like
thinking about my childhood, Ithought about going to church.
(05:00):
Like that was probably the worsttrouble we ever got into was if
we didn't go to church.
SPEAKER_01 (05:05):
And I think it's so hard navigate that for kids is
if it's like one moment they'reall angry and then all of a
sudden it's just bam, they'reforgiving, or or maybe it's the
opposite, they're superforgiving one second, and then
you know, that's okay.
And then all of a sudden theyhave a huge blow-up because
they're their emotional part.
I think that really isconfusing.
SPEAKER_03 (05:23):
You start to not know what to expect from your
parents, and I think that'swhere some of the mistrust will
begin.
SPEAKER_01 (05:29):
Let's talk about the guilt over correct trap.
A parent comes down way toohard, but then they feel guilty
and overcompensates by beingextra lenient and giving gifts,
things like that.
How would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what
might be some common behaviorsthat come along with it?
SPEAKER_03 (05:44):
It teaches kids that consequences are negotiable.
They might be loving gifts outof guilt, but it can turn into
performative apologies ormaterialistic type behaviors.
SPEAKER_02 (05:54):
I think I just thinking about my own kids and
interacting with my own kids, Ithink that thinking about times
when I may have done this, likerealizing later that maybe a
consequence wasn't what theyneeded.
Maybe they just needed aredirection, maybe they just
needed a conversation, but Iconsequenced them too harshly.
And so then I have to back upand try to do those things when
(06:17):
actually probably I could havejust done a redirection or a
consequence.
SPEAKER_01 (06:22):
Yeah, I think kids could really figure out this one
pretty easily and use it totheir benefit, become very
manipulative of their parents,knowing that if they push their
buttons, uh they'll blow up, buton the back end, they may get
something out of it.
What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_03 (06:35):
Oh, absolutely.
And I think it can hinder thechildren's opportunity to learn
accountability because they'lljust try to push all the
buttons, like you said, to havethe blow up to know that what's
coming after the blowup.
SPEAKER_01 (06:48):
Yeah, yeah.
There's a reward.
Yeah, you can you can withstandthe blow up because you know the
you're gonna get somethingpretty beneficial in the long
run.
Yep.
All right.
Now let's talk about the buildand blow up trap.
This is the parent that avoidsconfrontation or discipline for
days, lets the problems buildup, and then when it becomes
just too much, they explode inanger.
So, how would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what
(07:10):
might be some common behaviorsthat result out of it?
SPEAKER_03 (07:12):
That conflict resolution is never modeled and
that they can't predict when thebomb is dropped, so they'll
start to tiptoe, and that can becompletely exhausting for
anybody.
The kind of going back to thewalking on eggshells we talked
about earlier.
SPEAKER_01 (07:24):
Yeah, walking on eggshells is definitely the one
really came to my mind when Iwas thinking about this, because
you just never know when thebomb's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_02 (07:30):
Absolutely.
I think sometimes this parentmight be the parent that says,
because I said so.
SPEAKER_01 (07:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (07:37):
And discipline starts to feel scary and
unpredictable.
So then they will start to thechildren will even keep in their
stuff and internalize it andhold it in, and they might blow
up on other people outside ofthe home.
SPEAKER_01 (07:50):
Or they blow up after the parent blows up on
them and it becomes a really badcycle.
Why do you think parents avoidconfrontation?
SPEAKER_02 (07:57):
It's hard.
SPEAKER_01 (07:58):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (07:59):
It's uncomfortable.
Yeah.
Especially a new parent that'strying to figure out.
Or if it touches an old wound.
SPEAKER_01 (08:05):
I heard someone say that you're gonna get the
conversation one way or theother, and you're gonna get the
pushback one way or the other.
But if you wait, then theinterest compounds as you go,
and you might as well have theconversation and do the
discipline on the front endbecause you're gonna get it one
way or the other, and in thelong run, you're gonna it's
gonna be twice as bad.
So even though it'suncomfortable, it's a lot time a
lot of times that's better tojust kind of get it over with.
(08:26):
And uh being around a person whoyou're kind of tiptoeing around,
it makes that relationship alittle bit more strained and
difficult too, where it's not asfulfilling as maybe if you would
have just resolved it in the inthe beginning.
SPEAKER_03 (08:39):
You let it snowball until the end.
SPEAKER_01 (08:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (08:41):
Just teaching that you don't deal with the small
problems.
You're gonna wait till theexplosion happens to clean up
the mess.
SPEAKER_01 (08:48):
Now let's jump into the empty threat trap.
Parents spark strict rules andconsequences, very
authoritative, authoritarian.
They never follow through withwhat they're they're gonna say.
How would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what
might be some common behaviorsthat would result from this?
SPEAKER_03 (09:02):
The kids stop taking the parent seriously.
They will begin to test thelimits, kind of like we talked
about earlier.
They're gonna know what buttonsto push and how hard to push
them.
SPEAKER_01 (09:12):
Yeah, I think kids are smart.
They know what's gonna, youknow, they know the end result.
And if it's just words and neverany follow-through, they're
gonna the parents gonna becomelike the teacher in Charlie
Brown, it's just gonna be wah,wah, wah.
They'll tune them completely outand do whatever they want
because they know they're in theend gonna get what they want.
SPEAKER_02 (09:28):
Yeah, they just I mean, they they don't they don't
have an investment in doing theright thing.
It you know, doing the wrongthing's not gonna matter.
So yeah, there's just there'sjust no payoff for doing the
right thing.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (09:40):
I could foresee this happening when parents reach
that burnout level and they'reso tired, they just need that
instant compliance.
Yeah.
But unfortunately, the kids areinternalizing that as pushing
the limits and testing theboundary, and then you continue
to be stuck in that cycle ofexhaustion.
SPEAKER_01 (09:57):
I wonder too that kids kind of know that parents
are supposed to be in charge andsupposed to be the authority and
they're supposed to giveconsequences.
And if they know that nothing'sever gonna happen, they start to
lose respect for that authorityfigure.
What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_02 (10:11):
Because you don't mean what you say.
SPEAKER_01 (10:12):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:13):
Yeah.
And I think too, kids feel likeyou don't care.
You don't care, so why do Icare?
You know, there's not a reasonto if if parents don't seem like
they care.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:23):
So all right.
This one's interesting.
The control and then abandontrap.
The parents will micromanagecertain areas.
Maybe they're really involvedand invested in maybe academics
or sports, but then they'recompletely hands-off other
places like chores or the kids'friends or screen time.
How would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what are
the behaviors that could comeout of it?
SPEAKER_03 (10:43):
I would describe it as unbalanced, maybe also
confusion as well.
Kids might start to feelmicromanaged in what the parents
value, but unseen in what theyvalue.
It just feels out of balance.
SPEAKER_01 (10:56):
I think that'd be really hard for a kid if they
think the parents care so muchabout one thing, but the thing,
like you said, the thing theyvalue they don't seem to care
about.
I I think that'd be very drive-awedge in a relationship.
SPEAKER_03 (11:06):
Absolutely.
Kind of going back to what wetalked about if you don't care,
why should I care?
SPEAKER_02 (11:11):
I think too, it's hard if you have like a parent
who's maybe, you know, a parentthat's really involved in all
the sports things and wantstheir kids to be in all the
community activities or theschool sports, and then you have
another parent that's, you know,the chores need to be done and
the mow yard needs to be mowed,and you know, those things need
to happen first.
I think that is probably where alot of conflict and parenting
(11:34):
begins, maybe is just not havingaligned priorities.
SPEAKER_01 (11:38):
And that kind of leads into this last one
house-divided parenting.
You have two caregivers who haveopposing parenting styles.
One can be maybe theauthoritarian and the other
one's really passive, and thatcreates some confusion and
inconsistency in the home.
What do you think that lookslike?
And can you describe how thatplays out and what behaviors
might result of that parentingstyle?
SPEAKER_03 (11:58):
Well, following that sports theme, you can't
co-parent from opposite ends ofthe fields, but you don't have
to be on the same team.
You just need a shared gameplan.
SPEAKER_02 (12:08):
I picture these kids as the kids that play parents
against each other and then justsit back with the popcorn.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (12:15):
That's kind of what popped into my mind too.
SPEAKER_03 (12:17):
Yes.
And then parents will then feelfrustrated and undermined
because of being pinned againsteach other, but they start to
feel unheard, and then you couldpossibly fall into some of these
other traps that we talkedabout.
So one trap in one house, adifferent trap in another house?
SPEAKER_02 (12:32):
Yeah, because I mean, because parents will get
frustrated with each other,right?
And totally miss what role thekid is playing in that.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (12:40):
Yeah, I could see kids really splitting the
parents and this one.
And because that now they'regoing at each other, they're not
paying attention to the kid, andthe kid can kind of skate under
the radar and do whateverwhatever they want.
So, what role does awareness ofyour parenting style play into
breaking out of these type oftraps?
SPEAKER_02 (12:57):
Well, if you know you have that information going
into a situation with your childand kind of head it off with a
better plan, maybe an idea ofhow that needs to go, avoiding a
negative parenting trap.
SPEAKER_03 (13:10):
It's not about getting right, it's about being
curious.
And awareness helps you figureout your strengths and
weaknesses to learn from thatand either pause in the moment
and adapt by using more balancedstrategies after you've taken a
moment to pause.
SPEAKER_01 (13:27):
Yeah, I like that.
I think so often we parent theway we were parented and we
don't even realize we'restepping into these traps, that
we're doing these things.
We don't realize anything'swrong.
And then if someone can kind ofhelp us with that, I think
that's it takes a lot of timessomeone to kind of talk to us
and let us know, maybe to expandour awareness.
That can be kind of hard too,right?
That we might get our feelingshurt when someone tries to give
(13:47):
us some advice in this area.
SPEAKER_03 (13:49):
Absolutely, because parenting is incredibly
difficult.
When someone wants to offer thatadvice, it may be taken as
judgment.
SPEAKER_01 (13:56):
Yeah.
What do you think is a good wayto maybe approach that subject
with a friend or family memberif you feel like they're
stepping in these traps?
SPEAKER_03 (14:03):
For me personally, I have a friend who approaches me.
And so once that door is openfrom the that side, then I would
be more than willing to share myexperience.
I would say, have you heard thepodcast Bright Nice Parenting?
SPEAKER_01 (14:18):
That's the right answer, Julie.
Good job.
SPEAKER_03 (14:21):
That's a great actually.
That's a great idea.
SPEAKER_01 (14:23):
Yeah, there's this great podcast out there that you
should definitely check out andlisten to.
I think coming in with a part ofwanting to help and not wanting
to condemn, I think is a bigpart of it.
That our intentions and motivesneed to be right and making sure
we do it in the right time andspace, not in front of other
people, I think is reallyimportant.
Understand that it might be alittle uncomfortable, but in the
long run, I think they might behopefully thankful and help for
(14:46):
your help and advice.
SPEAKER_03 (14:47):
Absolutely.
And if they're a friend, youwould hope at the end of the day
they would see your heart behindthe situation.
SPEAKER_02 (14:53):
Doing it in a loving manner can be is just as
important as the information youwant to share.
SPEAKER_01 (14:59):
Making sure you're not shaming them either, I
think, is one of the mostimportant things you can do too.
SPEAKER_02 (15:03):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (15:04):
So why is it so important that we're consistent?
What happens in the long runwhen parents aren't consistent?
SPEAKER_03 (15:09):
Kids learn maladaptive behaviors to get
their needs met.
They will lack the emotionalawareness or intelligence that
can help them in the long run.
SPEAKER_01 (15:17):
Yeah, I think so often we point the finger at the
kids when they're misbehaving.
Honestly, kids are just areflection of us as parents and
caregivers.
So yeah, I think it's soimportant that we're we're on
the same page and we're beingconsistent because they will act
like that.
They will, it will be verydifficult.
SPEAKER_03 (15:33):
With inconsistency, it could potentially rewire the
brain for hypervigilance.
So then the kid is alwayslooking for quote unquote
danger, not necessarilyconnection.
SPEAKER_01 (15:43):
So, what would you say is the best way for parents
to get on the same page if theyare being inconsistent in their
parenting?
SPEAKER_02 (15:50):
I think they need to start by having conversations
before they have conversationswith the kids or consequence or
discipline the kids.
They have to agree on a plan, acompromise, even if it's not the
way one or the other wouldsolely do things.
They have to come up with a plantogether.
SPEAKER_03 (16:05):
Absolutely.
And it's not a time to play thatblame or shame game, but it's a
time to learn, adapt, and grow.
Laying it on the table,understanding the different
parenting styles, and maybe evenattachment styles, and really
just being open and honest witheach other without the fear of
shame from the other person.
SPEAKER_01 (16:22):
Yeah, I don't think you can overcommunicate enough.
Uh setting, I know everyone hasbusy schedules and lots of
million things going on at thesame time, but scheduling some
time throughout your week justto have conversations about
what's going on in your familyand being open and honest with
your feelings if you thinksomething, if you're not on the
same page and just reallyunderstanding that you're trying
to go for the same goal and justreally kind of talk out your
(16:44):
feelings and how you're goingand what you can do better.
SPEAKER_03 (16:46):
Absolutely.
Maybe even using that welanguage because y'all are a
team, your relationship witheach other is a part of your
parenting style.
SPEAKER_01 (16:55):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (16:55):
Whether y'all are under the same roof or not.
SPEAKER_01 (16:57):
Thank you so much for listening today.
If you like the show, pleasetell a friend or family member,
especially if you want to givethem some awareness that maybe
they're stepping into one ofthese traps.
As always, remember you mighthave to loan out your frontal
lobes today.
Just make sure you get themback.
SPEAKER_00 (17:11):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarly.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(17:34):
Cal Farley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Hello and welcome.
Today we're going to concludeour parent trap series by
discussing mixed style traps.
SPEAKER_03 (00:35):
To do that today, I'm joined by Julia Ortega,
Direct Care Staff Trainer.
Emily Tennyson, clinicalintervention specialist.
SPEAKER_01 (00:42):
Alright, so let's jump into our question of the
day.
Tell me what your most mixed-upmeal you've ever eaten is or
made.
SPEAKER_02 (00:49):
I think for me, one of the things that is kind of
mixed up that I would like tosnack on is to take a sweet
pickle and wrap it in a slice ofcheese and then wrap that in a
slice of ham.
That is interesting.
SPEAKER_03 (01:02):
That sounds delicious.
Mine would be the original nachocheese Doritos with a scoop of
the canned Fritos bean dip and ahamburger pickle chip on top.
SPEAKER_01 (01:14):
Mine's weird, but it's surprisingly good.
I like apple pie with a slice ofcheddar cheese on the top of it.
SPEAKER_02 (01:20):
My dad did too.
He loved that.
SPEAKER_01 (01:24):
It sounds really gross, but it's actually
surprisingly good.
All right.
So today we're going to talkabout the mixed style of
parenting and the traps thatkind of come along with that.
So when you hear the term mixedstyle parenting, what comes to
your mind?
SPEAKER_03 (01:36):
I first think inconsistency, possibly
authoritarian in onecircumstance while being passive
in another circumstance.
SPEAKER_02 (01:45):
Yeah, I think inconsistency is probably the
key thing I think of as well.
Just not really being one parenttype.
SPEAKER_03 (01:53):
It could be due to stress, it could be due to
burnout, even personal history,different triggers, things like
that.
SPEAKER_02 (01:59):
Not understanding what to do in a situation, too,
maybe.
SPEAKER_01 (02:02):
So because of all those factors, what do you think
the most likely outcome of thisstyle will have on a kid's
behavior?
SPEAKER_03 (02:08):
Kids who are possibly confused about
authority, not knowing what toexpect, not knowing how to
communicate their needs.
SPEAKER_02 (02:15):
I think too, it'll cause trust issues, maybe.
If there's a lot ofinconsistency, then it would be
hard to trust.
They might walk on eggshells.
SPEAKER_01 (02:23):
Yeah, that's what came to my mind is always
walking on eggshells, neverknowing what to expect.
How might that kid's world bethen if they're always walking
on eggshells?
SPEAKER_03 (02:31):
It's like changing the roles of a board game
mid-play.
Frustrating, confusing,anxiety-provoking.
SPEAKER_02 (02:36):
I think it lends to opportunity for lots of
withdrawal or even lashing out.
SPEAKER_01 (02:41):
So, what might be, along those lines, some other
common behaviors that would stemfrom this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_03 (02:47):
Kids with an anxious attachment style, overunder
functioning perfectionism,either blowing up or shutting
down, kind of like opposite endsof the spectrum type.
SPEAKER_01 (02:55):
Yeah, that's kind of what I thought too, that they're
all over the place.
That a lot of the otherparenting trap styles we talked
about were probably the kid haspretty predictable response to
what's going on.
But for these kids, they'reprobably gonna be, you never
know what to be to expectbecause they don't know what to
expect.
And that can be really confusingfor a lot of people who have to
interact with that kid.
Do you think?
SPEAKER_03 (03:15):
Yeah, I agree.
It could be sometimes navigatingwith your head, sometimes
navigating with your heart, andsometimes navigating in panic.
SPEAKER_01 (03:21):
So, what do you think like outside people think
of kids who have these differentstyles of parenting, like
teachers and coaches and Sundayschool people?
What do you think their theirimpression of these kids are?
SPEAKER_02 (03:32):
Would it be too much to say they're out of control?
Or maybe that they're problemchildren, probably non-compliant
children.
SPEAKER_03 (03:40):
Because it probably makes those adults uncomfortable
not knowing how the kids aregoing to respond.
Yeah.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (03:46):
Yeah, I think we as adults, we love predictability,
and these kids are not going tobe very predictable.
So what do you think they'regoing to do because of that?
How well might they relate tothese kids?
SPEAKER_02 (03:55):
They won't maybe ignore them.
I I think you could see theirrelationship on both ends of the
spectrum as well.
They maybe won't relate or theywill react to them, overreact to
them.
SPEAKER_01 (04:07):
All right.
So let's start with some of themost common traps that parents
fall into when it comes to themixed parenting style, sometimes
authoritarian, sometimespassive.
The first one is called thewhiplash trap.
Children are punished harshlyone moment and then completely
excused the next, depending onthe parent's mood or their
stress level.
So, how would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what are
some common behaviors that mightcome from this?
SPEAKER_03 (04:29):
This could be common when a parent hasn't learned
regulation tools because theydon't know how to regulate
themselves, they react out ofthe current emotional state that
they're in.
SPEAKER_02 (04:37):
I think too, one of the things I thought about
thinking about this the whiplashtrap was if my kid has done
something that is against one ofmy cherished beliefs, I might
punish harsher than if it wasjust some ordinary everyday
thing that I needed toconsequence.
But if it's something that istruly a cherished belief, like
thinking about my childhood, Ithought about going to church.
(05:00):
Like that was probably the worsttrouble we ever got into was if
we didn't go to church.
SPEAKER_01 (05:05):
And I think it's so hard navigate that for kids is
if it's like one moment they'reall angry and then all of a
sudden it's just bam, they'reforgiving, or or maybe it's the
opposite, they're superforgiving one second, and then
you know, that's okay.
And then all of a sudden theyhave a huge blow-up because
they're their emotional part.
I think that really isconfusing.
SPEAKER_03 (05:23):
You start to not know what to expect from your
parents, and I think that'swhere some of the mistrust will
begin.
SPEAKER_01 (05:29):
Let's talk about the guilt over correct trap.
A parent comes down way toohard, but then they feel guilty
and overcompensates by beingextra lenient and giving gifts,
things like that.
How would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what
might be some common behaviorsthat come along with it?
SPEAKER_03 (05:44):
It teaches kids that consequences are negotiable.
They might be loving gifts outof guilt, but it can turn into
performative apologies ormaterialistic type behaviors.
SPEAKER_02 (05:54):
I think I just thinking about my own kids and
interacting with my own kids, Ithink that thinking about times
when I may have done this, likerealizing later that maybe a
consequence wasn't what theyneeded.
Maybe they just needed aredirection, maybe they just
needed a conversation, but Iconsequenced them too harshly.
And so then I have to back upand try to do those things when
(06:17):
actually probably I could havejust done a redirection or a
consequence.
SPEAKER_01 (06:22):
Yeah, I think kids could really figure out this one
pretty easily and use it totheir benefit, become very
manipulative of their parents,knowing that if they push their
buttons, uh they'll blow up, buton the back end, they may get
something out of it.
What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_03 (06:35):
Oh, absolutely.
And I think it can hinder thechildren's opportunity to learn
accountability because they'lljust try to push all the
buttons, like you said, to havethe blow up to know that what's
coming after the blowup.
SPEAKER_01 (06:48):
Yeah, yeah.
There's a reward.
Yeah, you can you can withstandthe blow up because you know the
you're gonna get somethingpretty beneficial in the long
run.
Yep.
All right.
Now let's talk about the buildand blow up trap.
This is the parent that avoidsconfrontation or discipline for
days, lets the problems buildup, and then when it becomes
just too much, they explode inanger.
So, how would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what
(07:10):
might be some common behaviorsthat result out of it?
SPEAKER_03 (07:12):
That conflict resolution is never modeled and
that they can't predict when thebomb is dropped, so they'll
start to tiptoe, and that can becompletely exhausting for
anybody.
The kind of going back to thewalking on eggshells we talked
about earlier.
SPEAKER_01 (07:24):
Yeah, walking on eggshells is definitely the one
really came to my mind when Iwas thinking about this, because
you just never know when thebomb's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_02 (07:30):
Absolutely.
I think sometimes this parentmight be the parent that says,
because I said so.
SPEAKER_01 (07:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (07:37):
And discipline starts to feel scary and
unpredictable.
So then they will start to thechildren will even keep in their
stuff and internalize it andhold it in, and they might blow
up on other people outside ofthe home.
SPEAKER_01 (07:50):
Or they blow up after the parent blows up on
them and it becomes a really badcycle.
Why do you think parents avoidconfrontation?
SPEAKER_02 (07:57):
It's hard.
SPEAKER_01 (07:58):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (07:59):
It's uncomfortable.
Yeah.
Especially a new parent that'strying to figure out.
Or if it touches an old wound.
SPEAKER_01 (08:05):
I heard someone say that you're gonna get the
conversation one way or theother, and you're gonna get the
pushback one way or the other.
But if you wait, then theinterest compounds as you go,
and you might as well have theconversation and do the
discipline on the front endbecause you're gonna get it one
way or the other, and in thelong run, you're gonna it's
gonna be twice as bad.
So even though it'suncomfortable, it's a lot time a
lot of times that's better tojust kind of get it over with.
(08:26):
And uh being around a person whoyou're kind of tiptoeing around,
it makes that relationship alittle bit more strained and
difficult too, where it's not asfulfilling as maybe if you would
have just resolved it in the inthe beginning.
SPEAKER_03 (08:39):
You let it snowball until the end.
SPEAKER_01 (08:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (08:41):
Just teaching that you don't deal with the small
problems.
You're gonna wait till theexplosion happens to clean up
the mess.
SPEAKER_01 (08:48):
Now let's jump into the empty threat trap.
Parents spark strict rules andconsequences, very
authoritative, authoritarian.
They never follow through withwhat they're they're gonna say.
How would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what
might be some common behaviorsthat would result from this?
SPEAKER_03 (09:02):
The kids stop taking the parent seriously.
They will begin to test thelimits, kind of like we talked
about earlier.
They're gonna know what buttonsto push and how hard to push
them.
SPEAKER_01 (09:12):
Yeah, I think kids are smart.
They know what's gonna, youknow, they know the end result.
And if it's just words and neverany follow-through, they're
gonna the parents gonna becomelike the teacher in Charlie
Brown, it's just gonna be wah,wah, wah.
They'll tune them completely outand do whatever they want
because they know they're in theend gonna get what they want.
SPEAKER_02 (09:28):
Yeah, they just I mean, they they don't they don't
have an investment in doing theright thing.
It you know, doing the wrongthing's not gonna matter.
So yeah, there's just there'sjust no payoff for doing the
right thing.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (09:40):
I could foresee this happening when parents reach
that burnout level and they'reso tired, they just need that
instant compliance.
Yeah.
But unfortunately, the kids areinternalizing that as pushing
the limits and testing theboundary, and then you continue
to be stuck in that cycle ofexhaustion.
SPEAKER_01 (09:57):
I wonder too that kids kind of know that parents
are supposed to be in charge andsupposed to be the authority and
they're supposed to giveconsequences.
And if they know that nothing'sever gonna happen, they start to
lose respect for that authorityfigure.
What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_02 (10:11):
Because you don't mean what you say.
SPEAKER_01 (10:12):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:13):
Yeah.
And I think too, kids feel likeyou don't care.
You don't care, so why do Icare?
You know, there's not a reasonto if if parents don't seem like
they care.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:23):
So all right.
This one's interesting.
The control and then abandontrap.
The parents will micromanagecertain areas.
Maybe they're really involvedand invested in maybe academics
or sports, but then they'recompletely hands-off other
places like chores or the kids'friends or screen time.
How would you describe thisstyle of parenting and what are
the behaviors that could comeout of it?
SPEAKER_03 (10:43):
I would describe it as unbalanced, maybe also
confusion as well.
Kids might start to feelmicromanaged in what the parents
value, but unseen in what theyvalue.
It just feels out of balance.
SPEAKER_01 (10:56):
I think that'd be really hard for a kid if they
think the parents care so muchabout one thing, but the thing,
like you said, the thing theyvalue they don't seem to care
about.
I I think that'd be very drive-awedge in a relationship.
SPEAKER_03 (11:06):
Absolutely.
Kind of going back to what wetalked about if you don't care,
why should I care?
SPEAKER_02 (11:11):
I think too, it's hard if you have like a parent
who's maybe, you know, a parentthat's really involved in all
the sports things and wantstheir kids to be in all the
community activities or theschool sports, and then you have
another parent that's, you know,the chores need to be done and
the mow yard needs to be mowed,and you know, those things need
to happen first.
I think that is probably where alot of conflict and parenting
(11:34):
begins, maybe is just not havingaligned priorities.
SPEAKER_01 (11:38):
And that kind of leads into this last one
house-divided parenting.
You have two caregivers who haveopposing parenting styles.
One can be maybe theauthoritarian and the other
one's really passive, and thatcreates some confusion and
inconsistency in the home.
What do you think that lookslike?
And can you describe how thatplays out and what behaviors
might result of that parentingstyle?
SPEAKER_03 (11:58):
Well, following that sports theme, you can't
co-parent from opposite ends ofthe fields, but you don't have
to be on the same team.
You just need a shared gameplan.
SPEAKER_02 (12:08):
I picture these kids as the kids that play parents
against each other and then justsit back with the popcorn.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (12:15):
That's kind of what popped into my mind too.
SPEAKER_03 (12:17):
Yes.
And then parents will then feelfrustrated and undermined
because of being pinned againsteach other, but they start to
feel unheard, and then you couldpossibly fall into some of these
other traps that we talkedabout.
So one trap in one house, adifferent trap in another house?
SPEAKER_02 (12:32):
Yeah, because I mean, because parents will get
frustrated with each other,right?
And totally miss what role thekid is playing in that.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (12:40):
Yeah, I could see kids really splitting the
parents and this one.
And because that now they'regoing at each other, they're not
paying attention to the kid, andthe kid can kind of skate under
the radar and do whateverwhatever they want.
So, what role does awareness ofyour parenting style play into
breaking out of these type oftraps?
SPEAKER_02 (12:57):
Well, if you know you have that information going
into a situation with your childand kind of head it off with a
better plan, maybe an idea ofhow that needs to go, avoiding a
negative parenting trap.
SPEAKER_03 (13:10):
It's not about getting right, it's about being
curious.
And awareness helps you figureout your strengths and
weaknesses to learn from thatand either pause in the moment
and adapt by using more balancedstrategies after you've taken a
moment to pause.
SPEAKER_01 (13:27):
Yeah, I like that.
I think so often we parent theway we were parented and we
don't even realize we'restepping into these traps, that
we're doing these things.
We don't realize anything'swrong.
And then if someone can kind ofhelp us with that, I think
that's it takes a lot of timessomeone to kind of talk to us
and let us know, maybe to expandour awareness.
That can be kind of hard too,right?
That we might get our feelingshurt when someone tries to give
(13:47):
us some advice in this area.
SPEAKER_03 (13:49):
Absolutely, because parenting is incredibly
difficult.
When someone wants to offer thatadvice, it may be taken as
judgment.
SPEAKER_01 (13:56):
Yeah.
What do you think is a good wayto maybe approach that subject
with a friend or family memberif you feel like they're
stepping in these traps?
SPEAKER_03 (14:03):
For me personally, I have a friend who approaches me.
And so once that door is openfrom the that side, then I would
be more than willing to share myexperience.
I would say, have you heard thepodcast Bright Nice Parenting?
SPEAKER_01 (14:18):
That's the right answer, Julie.
Good job.
SPEAKER_03 (14:21):
That's a great actually.
That's a great idea.
SPEAKER_01 (14:23):
Yeah, there's this great podcast out there that you
should definitely check out andlisten to.
I think coming in with a part ofwanting to help and not wanting
to condemn, I think is a bigpart of it.
That our intentions and motivesneed to be right and making sure
we do it in the right time andspace, not in front of other
people, I think is reallyimportant.
Understand that it might be alittle uncomfortable, but in the
long run, I think they might behopefully thankful and help for
(14:46):
your help and advice.
SPEAKER_03 (14:47):
Absolutely.
And if they're a friend, youwould hope at the end of the day
they would see your heart behindthe situation.
SPEAKER_02 (14:53):
Doing it in a loving manner can be is just as
important as the information youwant to share.
SPEAKER_01 (14:59):
Making sure you're not shaming them either, I
think, is one of the mostimportant things you can do too.
SPEAKER_02 (15:03):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (15:04):
So why is it so important that we're consistent?
What happens in the long runwhen parents aren't consistent?
SPEAKER_03 (15:09):
Kids learn maladaptive behaviors to get
their needs met.
They will lack the emotionalawareness or intelligence that
can help them in the long run.
SPEAKER_01 (15:17):
Yeah, I think so often we point the finger at the
kids when they're misbehaving.
Honestly, kids are just areflection of us as parents and
caregivers.
So yeah, I think it's soimportant that we're we're on
the same page and we're beingconsistent because they will act
like that.
They will, it will be verydifficult.
SPEAKER_03 (15:33):
With inconsistency, it could potentially rewire the
brain for hypervigilance.
So then the kid is alwayslooking for quote unquote
danger, not necessarilyconnection.
SPEAKER_01 (15:43):
So, what would you say is the best way for parents
to get on the same page if theyare being inconsistent in their
parenting?
SPEAKER_02 (15:50):
I think they need to start by having conversations
before they have conversationswith the kids or consequence or
discipline the kids.
They have to agree on a plan, acompromise, even if it's not the
way one or the other wouldsolely do things.
They have to come up with a plantogether.
SPEAKER_03 (16:05):
Absolutely.
And it's not a time to play thatblame or shame game, but it's a
time to learn, adapt, and grow.
Laying it on the table,understanding the different
parenting styles, and maybe evenattachment styles, and really
just being open and honest witheach other without the fear of
shame from the other person.
SPEAKER_01 (16:22):
Yeah, I don't think you can overcommunicate enough.
Uh setting, I know everyone hasbusy schedules and lots of
million things going on at thesame time, but scheduling some
time throughout your week justto have conversations about
what's going on in your familyand being open and honest with
your feelings if you thinksomething, if you're not on the
same page and just reallyunderstanding that you're trying
to go for the same goal and justreally kind of talk out your
(16:44):
feelings and how you're goingand what you can do better.
SPEAKER_03 (16:46):
Absolutely.
Maybe even using that welanguage because y'all are a
team, your relationship witheach other is a part of your
parenting style.
SPEAKER_01 (16:55):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (16:55):
Whether y'all are under the same roof or not.
SPEAKER_01 (16:57):
Thank you so much for listening today.
If you like the show, pleasetell a friend or family member,
especially if you want to givethem some awareness that maybe
they're stepping into one ofthese traps.
As always, remember you mighthave to loan out your frontal
lobes today.
Just make sure you get themback.
SPEAKER_00 (17:11):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarly.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(17:34):
Cal Farley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
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