September 23, 2025 • 32 mins
We explore the complex relationship between technology and family life, examining how excessive screen time affects children's emotional regulation, mental health, and relationships.
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is and sometimes it feels
like there are no good answersto the difficult questions
families have when their kidsare struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to offer
.
Now.
Here is your host.
Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has tooffer Now.
Here is your host.
Cal Farley's Staff DevelopmentCoordinator, joshua Sprock.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Welcome back.
Today we're going to continueour talk on technology and
looking at maybe some of thedownsides of technology with our
kids.
To do that today, I'm joined byEmily Tennyson, clinical
Intervention Specialist, suzanne.
Speaker 5 (00:40):
Rapp, vice President of Training and Intervention,
chloe Hewitt, youth Programs.
Speaker 6 (00:45):
Administrator.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential
Communities.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Let's jump into our question of the day.
So I hate to do this to y'all,but I want you to pull out your
phones and tell me what youraverage screen time is.
Speaker 4 (00:56):
Right now I am at 4 hours and 47 minutes for my
daily average.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Be honest, Sam 9 hours and 58 minutes.
Speaker 6 (01:03):
I'm going to put seven hours.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Mine's surprisingly low, but it says I'm 33% down
from last week, so mine's fourhours and 16 minutes.
I actually did not bring myphone into this room with me, so
I'm feeling pretty good aboutthat and it keeps me from
incriminating myself.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
I have to explain mine.
I hear music at night, oh, soit's on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makessense.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
So why do you think it's so easy for phones and
devices to become a problem athome and school?
Speaker 4 (01:31):
Because phones offer so much, from entertainment to
connection.
Whether you're textingclassmates or people not at the
school listening to music,there's a variety of things you
can do with your phone.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Phones are a business .
They are designed to keep youengaged.
Twitter and the apps they'reall designed to keep you engaged
.
Really, I think that's kind ofwhat it's about.
That's why it's easy.
Speaker 6 (01:54):
Well, and I think sometimes you don't have to
think so for the people who loveto scroll, you're not really
actually thinking right.
Speaker 5 (02:01):
You're kind of getting to numb out and just
scroll through things.
Yeah, and it's an escape, yeah.
So rather than dealing with thechallenge in front of you,
which might be a teacher who'sreprimanding you or a math
problem you're struggling to do,it's an easy way to check out
and focus on something that'smore entertaining to your brain
and gives your brain a hit ofdopamine.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
Yep, and every app sends you a notification.
Oh yeah, so it is so easy tobecome hijacked when you're
notification after notification?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Yes, you have to do notification hygiene.
Yes, that's true.
Your wrist starts buzzing, yourphone starts buzzing, like
everything notifies you.
The thing at home, if you haveone of those you know, starts
telling you things and so, yeah,it's really designed to keep
you engaged, so how canexcessive?
Speaker 6 (02:46):
screen time affect a child's emotional or regulation
and attention span.
One of the things I think isthat it makes us want instant
gratification, right Like wewant things quick and easy, and
so that really does strugglewith patience, right Like we no
longer have that, or we findourselves being less patient
with people or just interactions, because we want it right now
and really it struggles for usto be able to regulate,
especially kids, like I thinkthat they don't know how to
(03:07):
regulate through other ways andso they're regulating through a
phone.
And then when you take thatphone I know we've all
experienced the stage fivemeltdown whether we were taking
a phone or TV, and truly it'sbecause you know we just took it
away and so they're kind oflike coming off that high, right
Like Suzanne was talking about.
Speaker 5 (03:23):
Also, like Sam said, you know, any of those apps are
a business and they want to keepyou engaged, and so they.
You know those companies aremonitoring what you give your
attention to and whatever yourfocus is, they will show you
more of that.
And so if you have watched somevideos that you know that are
politically based or they're,you know, talking about
(03:45):
something that pulls youremotions into it, they will
start to show you more of thesame videos, and so pretty soon,
you're completely angry oremotionally dysregulated because
that algorithm has paidattention to what you're
focusing on.
So if you're not, if you're notwise and you're not
intentionally choosing how you,what you watch and how you focus
(04:06):
your attention, you will becomemore controlled by the
negativity.
Speaker 3 (04:10):
So what role does social media play in anxiety,
depression, body image issuesamong kids?
Speaker 5 (04:16):
Oh, such a large, large role.
You know, I can remember waymany years ago when I was in
high school, you know, I wouldsee the cover of a magazine and
think, wow, what a beautifulwoman or girl and I don't look
like that, but it wasn't in myface 24-7.
You know, it was a magazine Icould see at the grocery store
checkout.
Maybe I chose to look throughit, but it was just a tiny dose
(04:40):
of that and that was still astruggle for my self-esteem.
And now kids are just facedwith everybody's social media
images that are curated, thatyou know there's a filter on it.
They're only showing you theone room of the house that's
clean.
You know, and I think evenbeyond kids.
But for young mothers and Iwould say you know, 20 to about
(05:02):
40, you are constantly beingbombarded by women who put their
lives on social media andthat's not their real life.
You're seeing a snippet andyou're generalizing that to
think that their house is alwaysthat neat, their kids behave
that well.
It's just not real life.
It can really mess with yourmind.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
Yeah, you know, we see it all the time here or even
kids that meet friends overgaming and they've become
friends with them and they'rejust making fun of, they're
struggling to connect, becausewe know that that's not actually
.
They're connecting in thedigital world but then they're
not getting true connection,because it's very different when
you're with someone one on one.
The body image thing that'skind of what I was focusing a
lot on too, especially becauseof my age and being a younger
(05:44):
mom.
It's so hard.
But, you know, I am so gratefulfor the people that get on
social media and say, hey look,I'm positioning my body this way
.
That's what.
This is what it looked like thismorning and this is what it
looked like now, because thatdoes make me be like, okay, yeah
, that's a real thing, right,like it's, you could be
positioning your body to have itto look a certain way.
You could be using a filter,you could be altering the photo
completely Right, or maybe youare really fit in body, but then
(06:07):
you're trying to use it toempower other people, right?
So there's just so many things,but I worry all the time,
especially because you see thewaist stuff that they're really
trying to like skim down theirwaist and they're putting
corsets on and stuff like that.
That, like I just worry all thetime.
But yeah, I think it does playa huge role.
But even for men, like if youaren't tall and buff, then
that's another thing that wefocus on.
(06:28):
And so there is there's a lotof stigma around social media.
Speaker 5 (06:31):
They say that comparison is the thief of joy.
Yeah, and I think that socialmedia just gives us a lot more
opportunity to compare.
Yep, Right.
So I think you have to just bemindful of that.
I have also, Chloe, seen youknow social media personalities
who show you their perfectliving room and then they open
the bedroom door andeverything's been crammed in
(06:52):
there.
Right, it's total.
It's a total mess.
And so they're honestly sayingthis was staged.
Yeah, but I think the youngeryou are, the harder that is to
realize.
So I think for our kids theythink that's real life, you know
, especially if they're isolatedand focused on social media and
they're not gettingopportunities to go out and play
(07:13):
with the kid next door or be onan athletic team or be around
other people who are livingtheir life naturally yeah, and
the feedback never stops either.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
So even if they are brave enough to do whatever they
are trying to do on socialmedia, you're going to get some
kind of instant feedback whetherthat's positive or negative or
you're going to probably get amix of both.
You know it's like I said, Iwatched a lot of YouTube and you
know they even I see some ofthe creators even say I know
it's going to come out of thecomments, right, yeah, and you
know, know these are people whouse this, that's their business,
(07:43):
it's what they do and they'reprofessional.
But I I imagine children it'sso hard or you already get
enough of it in person.
Now it can never stop.
And if us, as parents, aremonitoring or helping protect
the children and knowing whatthey're doing and what they're
watching and what kind of thingsthey're receiving, I mean they
could be in a kind of you knowthat depression state and all
plus, you know, if you're doingthat more than hanging out with
(08:04):
your family and talking topeople in person, those things
add to a lot of isolation.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Yeah, a lot.
That's exactly what I wasthinking the pressure to always
be liked right on every socialmedia platform.
Yeah, you like and comment.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
I see that with my daughters.
I'm thinking back when we werekids, when was at school.
You know, I saw my friends andmaybe out and about at certain
things, but usually when I washome I didn't really think much
about what was going on with thekids, other kids at school.
But now you have kids, seeeverything that's going on and
what their friends are doing onInstagram, on all the other
social media.
There's a fear of missing out.
I think that happens a lot.
Or they see that their friendis hanging out with another
(08:41):
friend and doing activities andthen they they wonder why they
weren't invited, and there'slots of stuff like that.
And then there's socialbullying around that.
That kind of happens too.
So that's a lot of pressure.
That wasn't around when Lisaand I were kids.
Speaker 6 (08:53):
I have a good friend and I'm in my mid to late 30s
who takes pictures when we goout, but she won't post them
because she has other friendsthat get upset.
And I told her.
I said, man, I don't have thecapacity to care like that.
Like I just want to one I'm badat photos anyways Like I try
hard at my kids' events, buteven more on vacation I only
bring it down to the pool area,like once because I just want to
(09:14):
be with them, and so I don'tbring my phone down for hours.
But I always feel sad becauseI'm like I just don't.
I hate that you feel that wayfrom other friends, because we
should just be embracing, yeah,like, and not be worried that
other friends feel left out oroffended, because it's always
good to have a community withdifferent people, yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:31):
So how can parents tell the difference between
normal teen phone use and maybeharmful overuse?
Speaker 6 (09:37):
You know, I think we've talked a little bit about
teens, when they are isolating,and sometimes I think we put in
like our mind like hey, theydon't really want to be around
me, they're going to their room.
But the reality is, yeah, theycould be going to their room
being on the phone, but I thinkthat's not always true.
I think they genuinely do wanttime with us, and sometimes
we're going to have to like pushit a little more or seek them
out, but that doesn't mean thatthey didn't necessarily want it.
(09:59):
And so I think what you do haveto worry about if it becomes
harmful, is that if you see themcompletely pull away and then
no one's initiating anyconnection and yeah, I think
that's where it could be harmfulat times if their whole world
is around.
I also put you know, if it istaken away or you take it up at
night and you notice like theyfeel like their whole world is
like crumbling, then hey, thatmight be that it's no longer a
normal team phone usage.
Speaker 5 (10:21):
Sometimes it's the adult that withdraws into their
phone yes, phone usage Sometimesit's the adult that withdraws
into their phone yes.
So you have to remember, whenyou're home and your kids are
home, to put your phone down, toput your technology down and
draw them into being engagedwith you.
Speaker 6 (10:34):
I think that's so good.
My husband has a job where hedoesn't have his phone.
He's not allowed to have it,yeah.
And so there's a lot ofconversation of once me and the
kids are home like hey, I thinkYou've been on it, like I need
you to put it down.
Yeah, but for him he spends athird of his life without a
phone, and so I think when he ishome he does want it or he
wants to use it.
But we have to have remindersof like hey, we're all home now.
(10:56):
And so let's all connect right.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Another sign of harmful overuse might be that
those boundaries you guys talkabout, that you set, they get
broken or they're lying about it, things like that.
That's a big sign of it.
Speaker 4 (11:07):
I know, Sam, you mentioned the hang up and hang
out and I think that could be asign of harmful use when friends
are gathering together andeveryone's on their phone and
there's no actual connectionhappening because everyone is
just face down on their phone.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
So how has phone use before bedtime affecting the
kids' sleep quality or overallgeneral well-being and health?
Speaker 6 (11:28):
You know, I think sleep is so important and I know
we've talked about, there'sbeen podcasts about it but, like
, genuinely, our sleep affectseverything we do, like our
cortisone levels, how our moodis with other people, just even
like weight gain, which is likekind of what I'm now.
I'm in this like, hey, I'mgetting closer to 40 and I need
a paycheck, but really, so Ihave focused more on trying to
(11:53):
get eight hours of sleep,because everything I was reading
was saying that sleep canaffect that as well, and so I
think that phones, before weknow that it affects sleep,
because we lose track of time,we might be like, hey, well, I'm
five more minutes and then it'sbeen 45 minutes, right, so I
think that is something that wesee.
But also it's hard for them toshut their brains off because
it's not actually meant to helpus with that Right.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
The content can be exciting or stressful or
overwhelming, and then it justgets your brain going back again
.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard a podcast that said the
blue light affects yourmelatonin production.
So actually, physically, yourbody thinks you're with the sun.
So your body wants to be awakeduring the sunlight.
So they say to try to stopsometime.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
I don't remember the time but sometime before bedtime
to stop using your phone.
How can phones interfere withthe real world responsibilities,
especially within families?
Speaker 5 (12:36):
Again, I think sometimes online relationships
are easier.
You know they it's generallymore superficial.
You're not always sure whoyou're really talking to.
Right and there's no.
It's just like how sometimespeople can be really rude and
ugly.
Online it's easier to type inrude things to a screen.
It's harder, you know you wouldtype in things that you
(12:57):
wouldn't say to a person face toface.
And if we're in a real liferelationship we have to work our
problems out.
We have to talk, we have tolisten, we have to talk, we have
to listen, we have to resolve.
And so when those relationshipsare challenging, for example
during the teenage years,sometimes for kids it's just
easier to escape into an onlinerelationship and harder to work
(13:20):
out problems with a familymember.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Well, I was thinking that every time people are
together is an opportunity tobuild a relationship, and
sometimes one or both people canbe on a device and somebody
tries to have a conversation andit becomes real obvious.
You know the other persondoesn't hear, or that's cool,
like you know, you hear thesetrigger words and you're like,
oh yeah, they're obviously notpaying attention, so we stop
right, there's no need anymoreto go further.
(13:43):
It's really important,especially for parents, to pay
attention to those things right,and it goes both ways right.
It's always an opportunity whentwo humans are in the same
place to build something.
Speaker 5 (13:54):
Years ago, I heard a story.
It said that in Japaneseculture that if you're working
in your office and someone comesto your office, it's customary
that you put down your pen andpaper, you put down the phone
and you stand up and give theperson who's come to your office
your full attention, and sothat keeps you from glancing at
your computer screen or, youknow, not focusing on other
(14:14):
things rather than that person,but it also sends a message to
that person.
Now you have my full attention.
Let's have this conversation.
I always thought how wise isthat, and it might actually be
helpful for some of us to beable to fully engage with
another person.
Put that phone down, right,maybe.
Maybe take that Apple Watch offand set it aside so that
there's nothing else distractingyou from a conversation with a
(14:36):
family member, that's a verygood point.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
You know, I'm blessed to have at work, I'm blessed to
have an office that's bigenough to have extra chairs.
So when somebody comes to visitme, generally I'll move away
from my desk and.
I sit so I can face them and,hey, get comfortable.
And then yeah, but the phonekind of stays by me because my
phone's in my life, but Iusually put a face down.
Hopefully that's a signal that,hey, I'm not trying to look at
the screen.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (14:59):
If I am waiting for a call, I usually let the person
know no-transcript you forget,because it tells the time, and
(15:19):
so just taking it off, maybe,and just putting it in your
pocket for a second yeah, I mean, I think too, like phones, like
at night my kids have such anighttime routine and I try so
hard if someone calls like hey,I'm in the middle of this, I
will call you back but like thisis, they're each like 10 to 15
minutes that they each get.
And so I think, truly beingintentional with like there are
some things that you cherish andyou need to just say, hey, you,
(15:41):
you don't get that moment rightnow, like, and so not that I
can't call them back, right, andso that's I think we do have to
be intentional, but it canaffect our real world
relationships.
If I didn't set that boundary,then it would.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
When I, when I meet people or and I tell them about
when they're going to call me,you know, I kind of give them
what, my what, what my hygieneis Right, so I'll say, hey,
sometimes I'm in meetings orsometimes I'm doing X, y, z.
If I call you, it doesn't.
If you call me and I don'tanswer, that doesn't mean it's
not important.
If you leave me a message, Iwill always call you back.
If it's not that important, justtext me.
I will text you back as soon asI can and I tell that to people
(16:14):
in person.
That's important and I do tellthem also.
Hey, usually about 10 o'clockI'm going to sleep mode and I'm
not going to hear it.
So you got to call somebodyelse or send me an email, or
I'll see the text in the morning.
If it's an emergency, I givethem who they can call,
especially at work.
But even my family knows, myfamily knows after 10, sam is
not going to be available.
(16:34):
You know things like that, andI think that's a fair thing.
And so what I'm getting at nextis, I think, because there's an
anxiety to it, you know,because other people think a
thing.
When you don't answer or youdon't respond right away, they
think a thing.
So I say that for two reasons.
And two, it reduces the otherperson's anxiety and mine,
because now I know that theyknow if you text me after.
(16:55):
So I've already absolved myselfof this problem.
So you know, we pass it on toyour kids.
Hey, this is how it works, likemy adult children know dad's
not answering.
I just think that's interestingbecause there is a give and
take about technology, becausewe're talking about likes.
It's the same thing with text.
You're ignoring me and I'm not,and kids kind of feel that way
and they have a whole lot lesswhat's the right?
(17:16):
You know they're so muchyounger Tensions.
Yeah, yeah, tensions, man, allthat.
They're more tied into it thanmaybe even we are at some point.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
So it's not about them, it's about taking care of
you and how do you set thoseboundaries?
I think it's important too thatwe recognize what information
is appropriate to share overtext, what should happen in a
phone call and what shouldhappen face-to-face.
And anytime you're discussing aconflict or a situation where
there could possibly be amisunderstanding, making sure
(17:46):
you're face-to-face can reallyhelp that conversation.
That way you get tone of voice,you get facial expression.
We read so much into words sentthrough text.
We assign emotion or intent.
That's not there.
It's just so easy tomisunderstand that form of
communication.
And so for everybody, butespecially with your kids and
(18:09):
family members, have thoseface-to-face conversations.
Speaker 6 (18:12):
Same with my sister.
She lives in Austin, so she'snine hours away from me, and I
FaceTime her at least once aweek because I want to actually
see her.
And so I think that if you dohave to use the phones maybe
even trying to make it morepersonal in your conversations-
how should parents think abouttechnology?
Speaker 3 (18:27):
What's a healthy mindset to approach with it,
rather than just reacting toproblems?
Speaker 5 (18:31):
I think that the older we are, the more we get
trapped in thinking about thegood old days before.
Right, we focus on the problemsand challenges that phones and
technology have brought, and thelast podcast was all about the
positive things.
Right, but we have to realizethat it's here to stay.
It's not going to change.
Josh, you mentioned settingsome expectations from the
(18:53):
beginning.
I think when you start withexpectations, it's so much
easier to address any conflictsor problems that come up, rather
than waiting until there's aproblem and then you try to
solve it.
But understanding this is apart of life and the more
willing we are to embrace it, tolearn about it and to move
forward with it, the morehealthy use of it that we can
(19:15):
have and that also our kids canhave.
Speaker 6 (19:17):
I love that you said that.
So you know my son with Kindernow they watch some YouTube at
school, right?
Yeah, youtube can be stressfulfor parents.
I think it's stressful for mebecause of the ads that they're
going to see, and they do notalways put Kids Safe ads on
there, and so that is verystressful for me as a parent.
And so my son knows like.
He asked can I watch YouTube?
(19:38):
And I'm like OK, what do youwant to?
We need to pick the show, andthen it's in the living room and
mom's like cooking dinner atthe same time, so that I also
see the ads, and he's great atskipping them.
I just also want to be veryaware of the situation, right.
And so he asked like why is itwhy?
Why are you more particularabout like than me watching my
Disney show?
Right, like I'm like becausemaybe they put stuff on there
that mom doesn't think is OK,and mom needs to make sure that
(20:05):
she's watching for your safety,but also because you might not
need to see certain things onthere, right, or it might turn
into a scary show, because it'llturn into the next show that
isn't appropriate for kids, andso I think, just having a
healthy mindset of hey, I knowthat, so I'm just going to put
more in place with that.
I don't want to completelyremove it, you know, because he
is interested in it.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
It's like kind of.
I kind of equated my decisionto give my kids a phone to kind
of get in a car.
It's dangerous but also veryuseful.
So it's just like that.
It's just like it's a tool.
Suzanne said it.
We're all talking.
We all can probably agree thisTechnology is not going anywhere
.
It's where we're at.
It's evolved so fast since allour childhoods.
It's going to be there.
(20:39):
So now, as a parent, like youall said, let's put boundaries
in it.
But since I know it's coming,you know, and I did mine, I
think specifically because mykids when they go to athletics,
they're far and I want to knowthat they're okay.
Now they were just superexcited.
But right, and I want to knowthat they're okay.
Now they were just superexcited.
But I needed it for mine and mywife's peace of mind.
These guys are going threehours sometimes and I'm not
going to be there at times, andso that was for more my peace of
(21:01):
mind.
But the consideration to do socame with a whole lot of other
things that we knew, so I wasvery fearful.
So my advice is like, hey,let's switch from a mindset of
fear to curiosity and connection.
We were talking about it.
What's the good parts?
And then you know monitoring.
You guys talk about monitoringand I think that was always an
open thing.
If they use it inappropriately,I have the power to.
(21:22):
Hey, we got, we got to restartor we got to find a different
way to do it.
I had found my uh, my, my kids,you know, and I think, for for
the.
Yeah, we had xbox back whenthey were younger and I let them
play online.
I had something, something Idid, and I thought it was really
fun.
What I didn't think through theXbox was different than a phone
.
Right, it's not different.
They're connecting with otherpeople.
And then, with the phone, mydaughter was texting somebody.
(21:43):
She says it was a kid and Isaid, but hey, that's not a kid,
you don't know who these peopleare.
So it's something I had toteach and it was very difficult
to make them understand.
But I think what I did wrongwas I didn't do what you said,
was I did not put a boundary inplace before thinking through.
And so another advice I mighthave is okay, when you decide on
technology, because we don'tknow what's coming next when you
(22:03):
decide to get something in yourhouse, you know they have Alexa
HomePods.
What's it going to be used for?
What do I need it for?
Do I really need to control thelights with my voice?
What do I need this for?
In my case, I needed it for mychildren, so I had some peace of
mind.
Also, I think they were oldenough and they were mature
enough at that point that theycould probably use this right.
What am I going to do with this?
Do I really need this thing inmy house?
(22:24):
And if I do, what's the ups anddowns to having it?
Speaker 4 (22:28):
I think another mindset to have is yes,
technology isn't going away, butit is also continuously growing
.
New things constantly changing,and so knowing ahead of time,
you're going to have toconstantly be doing research,
research on the trends, on theapps.
There is a wonderful Facebookpage that I recommend to a lot
of families I believe it'scalled Parenting in a Tech World
(22:49):
, and then you can join it andit's just a community of parents
who are constantly postingquestions, asking for other
parents advice on what does thismean and what does this app do
to kind of get ahead of what,what might be going on I think
that's so smart because most ofus didn't grow up with this
technology and I mean, the kidsare digital natives but we're
not, and so it is, and I thinkthat we have to give ourselves
(23:12):
some grace too that because wedidn't up in that we don't
understand it.
Speaker 3 (23:16):
We probably are going to mess it up a little bit.
Joining some groups to kind oflearn and research, I think is
important to help grow.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Yeah, tech only comes with installation and operating
instructions.
I mean installationinstructions.
They don't come with what to dowith it.
Just like parenting,no-transcript, like what is this
(23:43):
, what's that app?
And look it up.
They usually have a pretty gooddescription and, in fact, other
technology can tell you what itis and what's the what's the,
what's the ups and downs for itand things.
Remember, when we were well,one of the things I used to use
was the oh, I can't remember thename of the website, but it was
a website where if, like youhad a, if you're thinking about
letting your kids watch a movie,it would rate it and then show
you like the levels of, like youknow, the bad stuff.
(24:05):
Also, it gave you like talkingconversations.
If you did choose to watch theshow, it would give you like
talking points to talk aboutwith your kids.
I can't remember that website.
Commonsensemediacom yeah, yeah,okay, I thought that was a
really neat one.
Now it's way probably differentthan now that it was back then,
but it's the same it's reallycool.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
So what are some daily habits or routines that
can help create a balancebetween phone and screen time?
Speaker 6 (24:27):
So obviously like putting a schedule together,
setting your limits orboundaries ahead of time, so
they already know expectations.
But one of the things is peoplesay, hey, go outside, we spend
all the time outside.
But nowadays I think it'simportant that they also like
what you do is what they do.
So we have chickens, which iswild.
No one in my life ever thoughtwe'd have chickens.
But my husband loves to go sitoutside and hang out with the
(24:49):
chickens and so I was laughing,which is also hilarious to me.
He sits on a bucket and talksto them and feeds them, like
every day for like 20 minutes.
But yesterday my husband was atwork and I look outside and
Leighton went out there and wassitting on the bucket talking to
the chickens, feeding them, andI was like, but right, because
that if I'm just sending themoutside but not engaging too, it
feels like an isolation alittle bit.
So I go outside with them andeven if they're riding their
(25:18):
bikes, I try to.
I don't like riding bikes but Ido ride with my six-year-old
because he loves it, and so I'mfearful because I'm so short
that I'm going to fall off andthe ground is not as far away it
feels away.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
It's obvious to have off hours.
I think that's one of thethings we all talk about.
We talked about bedtime,mealtime, you know, have those
standard off hours that you guyscan just shut down and
everybody agrees to it.
Speaker 5 (25:39):
I think it's important to pull your kids into
that conversation right.
Rather than I'm going todictate the rules about
technology use, we're going tosit down as a family and we're
going to talk about it, and yourkids will have more buy-in to
those family rules if they'vebeen set by the family rather
than you alone as the parent.
Speaker 6 (25:57):
Well and I don't know who said it, somebody said it
earlier that, like, what theysee you do is what?
So if you are only on yourphone, then they think that that
is the priority right, and sothey are watching everything we
do.
And so if phones aren't thatimportant to us, then they might
not be overused by them too.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
So what would you say is the best way to handle
phones, at bedtime or overnight?
Speaker 6 (26:15):
I think they don't need it overnight.
That is my opinion.
We don't really need itovernight either, if I'm honest
Kind of like what Sam is sayinghe knows that people that he
shuts down and people know thatabout him.
So I think it's okay that theyare taken up and you know, we
here, we at Ranch, we take themup until they're a senior and
they can earn that privilege andthe team decides.
And I think that's totallyhealthy because once they move
out of our house they're alsogoing to need to know how to do
(26:36):
it appropriately.
So it seems like a gradualthing that as they are getting
into their junior or senior year, that maybe y'all start looking
into it, because they are goingto have to navigate it
overnight once they're out ofyour house.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
So if a parent realizes that they've been too
lenient on tech or it's gottenout of control, how would you
recommend that they reset theculture at home?
Speaker 6 (26:54):
You know, josh, this is something I feel like is
interesting, that I haveconversations not necessarily
about technology, but sometimesour homes kind of get out of
whack, a little bit out ofbalance, and it's something that
Sam and I have to frequentlytalk to them about.
Okay, it's time to do a reset.
We need to set more boundaries,we need to, and it's going to
be rough for a little bit, allright, because they're going to
push back a little bit, but youcan get them back in a rhythm.
(27:15):
What people don't realize iskids actually do love boundaries
and consistencies.
They pretend like they don't,but we all want to know what to
expect.
Sam and I have theseconversations all the time about
work Like we want to know.
We know our day, it's plannedout.
We both put our calendarstogether, but everybody wants to
know their routine or how theirday is going to look.
Kids are the exact same way.
It's safer that way and so,yeah, it might be a little bumpy
(27:36):
, but I think that you canalways get it back into.
Start a routine.
Do what Suzanne said Make thema part of that conversation.
Allow them to have some sort ofbuy-in into what the schedule
or the parameters are going tolook like.
Maybe they want it like Emilywas talking earlier.
Maybe they want it after.
They want it right when theyget home, and then they have a
set time for their homework.
So let them have some choice init, yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
I like the concept of just being open and honest
about things.
You know, even describing hey,we're out of whack here and
here's why.
Also, when you don't look at itlike restriction and well, it
is going to be kind of arestriction, but at the same
time you want to do those thingsgradually, unless it's just
completely out of controlthere's something really
inappropriate.
There's a way to gradually say,hey, this is why we're doing it
, here's where we're going to.
We're not going to go straightto no springtime.
(28:17):
Maybe we go down half an hourat a time or something and we're
going to get to this point.
Let's do it together and I doit with you.
It's just not good if you'rejust going to your room all the
time.
Speaker 5 (28:40):
And so I think you have to have conversations with
your kids and lead them toinsight about the impact that
technology is having.
And so I know, in particular,one of my granddaughters will
she'll delete, like theInstagram app.
She'll realize that it'sconsuming too much of her time
or it's, you know, pulling outanxiety or whatever the case may
be, and she'll just she'lldelete it and she may go 30, 60
days without that, and thenshe'll jump back on.
You know, but she is old enoughto be aware of the impact it's
(29:02):
having and to manage thatherself.
And so I think I think, again,it's good, if your kids are old
enough, that you're having aconversation and you might even
say, hey, I've decided, I'mgoing to go Facebook free, or
Instagram you know for 30 days,because here's the impact it's
having on me.
So you're normalizing that itcan have a negative influence
and you're modeling healthychoices too.
Speaker 6 (29:24):
I think that's so interesting.
My husband has no social mediaand it drives like his family
and it drives his friends nuts,and so then they all friend me,
and so it's just funny.
But I really do try to postabout our kids so his family can
keep up.
But he has zero desire to haveany social media and won't, and
so it is interesting how but Ithink that's so wise that she's
like I can just delete this andnot I don't need it right now.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
So what role does positive family relationships
play in keeping kids connectedwith their family and friends
instead of being connected totheir technology?
Speaker 6 (29:54):
You know, I think about this all the time as my
kids are little and I just thinkI hope that they feel like a
priority and that they know thatthey're unconditionally loved
so that they want to choose thatover technology, right?
And I think about even somefriendships and even me and my
husband.
We love vacations with our kidsand most of our vacations ends
up being at water parks, butit's we, it's because we unplug,
(30:15):
we don't take our phones downthere and all the things, and so
that's some of my favoritethings is just building memories
with them.
But even when my friendshipsyou know I have a close knit
group of four of us and everyyear for our birthdays, we take
a full day off and we spend theentire day together.
That's what we do for each ofour birthdays.
So four, four days out of theyear, that's it and we're off
(30:38):
and it's just being intentionalabout time together, and so
that's my hope is that my kidssee that that's a priority over
technology and positiverelationships to do that?
Speaker 4 (30:43):
Yeah, I think of the model of leadership and service.
So if the positiverelationships are truly meeting
the need of safety, power,purpose, belonging, achievement
and adventure, then they won'tneed to seek that other places
through technology.
Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Be the dopamine hit.
Speaker 4 (30:57):
Yeah, right Be the thing that they're seeking.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
So if they feel good being around you and you're safe
, they're going to want to bearound you.
That's the whole thing.
I think technology helps fill ahole at times and we're busy.
Let's acknowledge we're busypeople, All of us.
Every parent out there hasresponsibilities and we have to
monitor ourselves about ourescape.
So be the dopamine hit.
It sounds like your kids areyour dopamine hit as well.
(31:22):
So let's be each other'sdopamine All right.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
Thank you so much for joining us today.
If you'd like to contact us andask us a question, our email
address is podcast atcalfardlyorg.
I'll make sure and leave a linkin the description and, as
always, you might have to loanout your front of the lobes
today.
Just make sure you remember andget them back.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarleyorg.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(32:02):
Calfarley's.
Thank you for spending yourtime with us and have a blessed
day.
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is and sometimes it feels
like there are no good answersto the difficult questions
families have when their kidsare struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to offer
.
Now.
Here is your host.
Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has tooffer Now.
Here is your host.
Cal Farley's Staff DevelopmentCoordinator, joshua Sprock.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Welcome back.
Today we're going to continueour talk on technology and
looking at maybe some of thedownsides of technology with our
kids.
To do that today, I'm joined byEmily Tennyson, clinical
Intervention Specialist, suzanne.
Speaker 5 (00:40):
Rapp, vice President of Training and Intervention,
chloe Hewitt, youth Programs.
Speaker 6 (00:45):
Administrator.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential
Communities.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Let's jump into our question of the day.
So I hate to do this to y'all,but I want you to pull out your
phones and tell me what youraverage screen time is.
Speaker 4 (00:56):
Right now I am at 4 hours and 47 minutes for my
daily average.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Be honest, Sam 9 hours and 58 minutes.
Speaker 6 (01:03):
I'm going to put seven hours.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Mine's surprisingly low, but it says I'm 33% down
from last week, so mine's fourhours and 16 minutes.
I actually did not bring myphone into this room with me, so
I'm feeling pretty good aboutthat and it keeps me from
incriminating myself.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
I have to explain mine.
I hear music at night, oh, soit's on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makessense.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
So why do you think it's so easy for phones and
devices to become a problem athome and school?
Speaker 4 (01:31):
Because phones offer so much, from entertainment to
connection.
Whether you're textingclassmates or people not at the
school listening to music,there's a variety of things you
can do with your phone.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Phones are a business .
They are designed to keep youengaged.
Twitter and the apps they'reall designed to keep you engaged
.
Really, I think that's kind ofwhat it's about.
That's why it's easy.
Speaker 6 (01:54):
Well, and I think sometimes you don't have to
think so for the people who loveto scroll, you're not really
actually thinking right.
Speaker 5 (02:01):
You're kind of getting to numb out and just
scroll through things.
Yeah, and it's an escape, yeah.
So rather than dealing with thechallenge in front of you,
which might be a teacher who'sreprimanding you or a math
problem you're struggling to do,it's an easy way to check out
and focus on something that'smore entertaining to your brain
and gives your brain a hit ofdopamine.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
Yep, and every app sends you a notification.
Oh yeah, so it is so easy tobecome hijacked when you're
notification after notification?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Yes, you have to do notification hygiene.
Yes, that's true.
Your wrist starts buzzing, yourphone starts buzzing, like
everything notifies you.
The thing at home, if you haveone of those you know, starts
telling you things and so, yeah,it's really designed to keep
you engaged, so how canexcessive?
Speaker 6 (02:46):
screen time affect a child's emotional or regulation
and attention span.
One of the things I think isthat it makes us want instant
gratification, right Like wewant things quick and easy, and
so that really does strugglewith patience, right Like we no
longer have that, or we findourselves being less patient
with people or just interactions, because we want it right now
and really it struggles for usto be able to regulate,
especially kids, like I thinkthat they don't know how to
(03:07):
regulate through other ways andso they're regulating through a
phone.
And then when you take thatphone I know we've all
experienced the stage fivemeltdown whether we were taking
a phone or TV, and truly it'sbecause you know we just took it
away and so they're kind oflike coming off that high, right
Like Suzanne was talking about.
Speaker 5 (03:23):
Also, like Sam said, you know, any of those apps are
a business and they want to keepyou engaged, and so they.
You know those companies aremonitoring what you give your
attention to and whatever yourfocus is, they will show you
more of that.
And so if you have watched somevideos that you know that are
politically based or they're,you know, talking about
(03:45):
something that pulls youremotions into it, they will
start to show you more of thesame videos, and so pretty soon,
you're completely angry oremotionally dysregulated because
that algorithm has paidattention to what you're
focusing on.
So if you're not, if you're notwise and you're not
intentionally choosing how you,what you watch and how you focus
(04:06):
your attention, you will becomemore controlled by the
negativity.
Speaker 3 (04:10):
So what role does social media play in anxiety,
depression, body image issuesamong kids?
Speaker 5 (04:16):
Oh, such a large, large role.
You know, I can remember waymany years ago when I was in
high school, you know, I wouldsee the cover of a magazine and
think, wow, what a beautifulwoman or girl and I don't look
like that, but it wasn't in myface 24-7.
You know, it was a magazine Icould see at the grocery store
checkout.
Maybe I chose to look throughit, but it was just a tiny dose
(04:40):
of that and that was still astruggle for my self-esteem.
And now kids are just facedwith everybody's social media
images that are curated, thatyou know there's a filter on it.
They're only showing you theone room of the house that's
clean.
You know, and I think evenbeyond kids.
But for young mothers and Iwould say you know, 20 to about
(05:02):
40, you are constantly beingbombarded by women who put their
lives on social media andthat's not their real life.
You're seeing a snippet andyou're generalizing that to
think that their house is alwaysthat neat, their kids behave
that well.
It's just not real life.
It can really mess with yourmind.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
Yeah, you know, we see it all the time here or even
kids that meet friends overgaming and they've become
friends with them and they'rejust making fun of, they're
struggling to connect, becausewe know that that's not actually
.
They're connecting in thedigital world but then they're
not getting true connection,because it's very different when
you're with someone one on one.
The body image thing that'skind of what I was focusing a
lot on too, especially becauseof my age and being a younger
(05:44):
mom.
It's so hard.
But, you know, I am so gratefulfor the people that get on
social media and say, hey look,I'm positioning my body this way
.
That's what.
This is what it looked like thismorning and this is what it
looked like now, because thatdoes make me be like, okay, yeah
, that's a real thing, right,like it's, you could be
positioning your body to have itto look a certain way.
You could be using a filter,you could be altering the photo
completely Right, or maybe youare really fit in body, but then
(06:07):
you're trying to use it toempower other people, right?
So there's just so many things,but I worry all the time,
especially because you see thewaist stuff that they're really
trying to like skim down theirwaist and they're putting
corsets on and stuff like that.
That, like I just worry all thetime.
But yeah, I think it does playa huge role.
But even for men, like if youaren't tall and buff, then
that's another thing that wefocus on.
(06:28):
And so there is there's a lotof stigma around social media.
Speaker 5 (06:31):
They say that comparison is the thief of joy.
Yeah, and I think that socialmedia just gives us a lot more
opportunity to compare.
Yep, Right.
So I think you have to just bemindful of that.
I have also, Chloe, seen youknow social media personalities
who show you their perfectliving room and then they open
the bedroom door andeverything's been crammed in
(06:52):
there.
Right, it's total.
It's a total mess.
And so they're honestly sayingthis was staged.
Yeah, but I think the youngeryou are, the harder that is to
realize.
So I think for our kids theythink that's real life, you know
, especially if they're isolatedand focused on social media and
they're not gettingopportunities to go out and play
(07:13):
with the kid next door or be onan athletic team or be around
other people who are livingtheir life naturally yeah, and
the feedback never stops either.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
So even if they are brave enough to do whatever they
are trying to do on socialmedia, you're going to get some
kind of instant feedback whetherthat's positive or negative or
you're going to probably get amix of both.
You know it's like I said, Iwatched a lot of YouTube and you
know they even I see some ofthe creators even say I know
it's going to come out of thecomments, right, yeah, and you
know, know these are people whouse this, that's their business,
(07:43):
it's what they do and they'reprofessional.
But I I imagine children it'sso hard or you already get
enough of it in person.
Now it can never stop.
And if us, as parents, aremonitoring or helping protect
the children and knowing whatthey're doing and what they're
watching and what kind of thingsthey're receiving, I mean they
could be in a kind of you knowthat depression state and all
plus, you know, if you're doingthat more than hanging out with
(08:04):
your family and talking topeople in person, those things
add to a lot of isolation.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Yeah, a lot.
That's exactly what I wasthinking the pressure to always
be liked right on every socialmedia platform.
Yeah, you like and comment.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
I see that with my daughters.
I'm thinking back when we werekids, when was at school.
You know, I saw my friends andmaybe out and about at certain
things, but usually when I washome I didn't really think much
about what was going on with thekids, other kids at school.
But now you have kids, seeeverything that's going on and
what their friends are doing onInstagram, on all the other
social media.
There's a fear of missing out.
I think that happens a lot.
Or they see that their friendis hanging out with another
(08:41):
friend and doing activities andthen they they wonder why they
weren't invited, and there'slots of stuff like that.
And then there's socialbullying around that.
That kind of happens too.
So that's a lot of pressure.
That wasn't around when Lisaand I were kids.
Speaker 6 (08:53):
I have a good friend and I'm in my mid to late 30s
who takes pictures when we goout, but she won't post them
because she has other friendsthat get upset.
And I told her.
I said, man, I don't have thecapacity to care like that.
Like I just want to one I'm badat photos anyways Like I try
hard at my kids' events, buteven more on vacation I only
bring it down to the pool area,like once because I just want to
(09:14):
be with them, and so I don'tbring my phone down for hours.
But I always feel sad becauseI'm like I just don't.
I hate that you feel that wayfrom other friends, because we
should just be embracing, yeah,like, and not be worried that
other friends feel left out oroffended, because it's always
good to have a community withdifferent people, yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:31):
So how can parents tell the difference between
normal teen phone use and maybeharmful overuse?
Speaker 6 (09:37):
You know, I think we've talked a little bit about
teens, when they are isolating,and sometimes I think we put in
like our mind like hey, theydon't really want to be around
me, they're going to their room.
But the reality is, yeah, theycould be going to their room
being on the phone, but I thinkthat's not always true.
I think they genuinely do wanttime with us, and sometimes
we're going to have to like pushit a little more or seek them
out, but that doesn't mean thatthey didn't necessarily want it.
(09:59):
And so I think what you do haveto worry about if it becomes
harmful, is that if you see themcompletely pull away and then
no one's initiating anyconnection and yeah, I think
that's where it could be harmfulat times if their whole world
is around.
I also put you know, if it istaken away or you take it up at
night and you notice like theyfeel like their whole world is
like crumbling, then hey, thatmight be that it's no longer a
normal team phone usage.
Speaker 5 (10:21):
Sometimes it's the adult that withdraws into their
phone yes, phone usage Sometimesit's the adult that withdraws
into their phone yes.
So you have to remember, whenyou're home and your kids are
home, to put your phone down, toput your technology down and
draw them into being engagedwith you.
Speaker 6 (10:34):
I think that's so good.
My husband has a job where hedoesn't have his phone.
He's not allowed to have it,yeah.
And so there's a lot ofconversation of once me and the
kids are home like hey, I thinkYou've been on it, like I need
you to put it down.
Yeah, but for him he spends athird of his life without a
phone, and so I think when he ishome he does want it or he
wants to use it.
But we have to have remindersof like hey, we're all home now.
(10:56):
And so let's all connect right.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Another sign of harmful overuse might be that
those boundaries you guys talkabout, that you set, they get
broken or they're lying about it, things like that.
That's a big sign of it.
Speaker 4 (11:07):
I know, Sam, you mentioned the hang up and hang
out and I think that could be asign of harmful use when friends
are gathering together andeveryone's on their phone and
there's no actual connectionhappening because everyone is
just face down on their phone.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
So how has phone use before bedtime affecting the
kids' sleep quality or overallgeneral well-being and health?
Speaker 6 (11:28):
You know, I think sleep is so important and I know
we've talked about, there'sbeen podcasts about it but, like
, genuinely, our sleep affectseverything we do, like our
cortisone levels, how our moodis with other people, just even
like weight gain, which is likekind of what I'm now.
I'm in this like, hey, I'mgetting closer to 40 and I need
a paycheck, but really, so Ihave focused more on trying to
(11:53):
get eight hours of sleep,because everything I was reading
was saying that sleep canaffect that as well, and so I
think that phones, before weknow that it affects sleep,
because we lose track of time,we might be like, hey, well, I'm
five more minutes and then it'sbeen 45 minutes, right, so I
think that is something that wesee.
But also it's hard for them toshut their brains off because
it's not actually meant to helpus with that Right.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
The content can be exciting or stressful or
overwhelming, and then it justgets your brain going back again
.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard a podcast that said the
blue light affects yourmelatonin production.
So actually, physically, yourbody thinks you're with the sun.
So your body wants to be awakeduring the sunlight.
So they say to try to stopsometime.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
I don't remember the time but sometime before bedtime
to stop using your phone.
How can phones interfere withthe real world responsibilities,
especially within families?
Speaker 5 (12:36):
Again, I think sometimes online relationships
are easier.
You know they it's generallymore superficial.
You're not always sure whoyou're really talking to.
Right and there's no.
It's just like how sometimespeople can be really rude and
ugly.
Online it's easier to type inrude things to a screen.
It's harder, you know you wouldtype in things that you
(12:57):
wouldn't say to a person face toface.
And if we're in a real liferelationship we have to work our
problems out.
We have to talk, we have tolisten, we have to talk, we have
to listen, we have to resolve.
And so when those relationshipsare challenging, for example
during the teenage years,sometimes for kids it's just
easier to escape into an onlinerelationship and harder to work
(13:20):
out problems with a familymember.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Well, I was thinking that every time people are
together is an opportunity tobuild a relationship, and
sometimes one or both people canbe on a device and somebody
tries to have a conversation andit becomes real obvious.
You know the other persondoesn't hear, or that's cool,
like you know, you hear thesetrigger words and you're like,
oh yeah, they're obviously notpaying attention, so we stop
right, there's no need anymoreto go further.
(13:43):
It's really important,especially for parents, to pay
attention to those things right,and it goes both ways right.
It's always an opportunity whentwo humans are in the same
place to build something.
Speaker 5 (13:54):
Years ago, I heard a story.
It said that in Japaneseculture that if you're working
in your office and someone comesto your office, it's customary
that you put down your pen andpaper, you put down the phone
and you stand up and give theperson who's come to your office
your full attention, and sothat keeps you from glancing at
your computer screen or, youknow, not focusing on other
(14:14):
things rather than that person,but it also sends a message to
that person.
Now you have my full attention.
Let's have this conversation.
I always thought how wise isthat, and it might actually be
helpful for some of us to beable to fully engage with
another person.
Put that phone down, right,maybe.
Maybe take that Apple Watch offand set it aside so that
there's nothing else distractingyou from a conversation with a
(14:36):
family member, that's a verygood point.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
You know, I'm blessed to have at work, I'm blessed to
have an office that's bigenough to have extra chairs.
So when somebody comes to visitme, generally I'll move away
from my desk and.
I sit so I can face them and,hey, get comfortable.
And then yeah, but the phonekind of stays by me because my
phone's in my life, but Iusually put a face down.
Hopefully that's a signal that,hey, I'm not trying to look at
the screen.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (14:59):
If I am waiting for a call, I usually let the person
know no-transcript you forget,because it tells the time, and
(15:19):
so just taking it off, maybe,and just putting it in your
pocket for a second yeah, I mean, I think too, like phones, like
at night my kids have such anighttime routine and I try so
hard if someone calls like hey,I'm in the middle of this, I
will call you back but like thisis, they're each like 10 to 15
minutes that they each get.
And so I think, truly beingintentional with like there are
some things that you cherish andyou need to just say, hey, you,
(15:41):
you don't get that moment rightnow, like, and so not that I
can't call them back, right, andso that's I think we do have to
be intentional, but it canaffect our real world
relationships.
If I didn't set that boundary,then it would.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
When I, when I meet people or and I tell them about
when they're going to call me,you know, I kind of give them
what, my what, what my hygieneis Right, so I'll say, hey,
sometimes I'm in meetings orsometimes I'm doing X, y, z.
If I call you, it doesn't.
If you call me and I don'tanswer, that doesn't mean it's
not important.
If you leave me a message, Iwill always call you back.
If it's not that important, justtext me.
I will text you back as soon asI can and I tell that to people
(16:14):
in person.
That's important and I do tellthem also.
Hey, usually about 10 o'clockI'm going to sleep mode and I'm
not going to hear it.
So you got to call somebodyelse or send me an email, or
I'll see the text in the morning.
If it's an emergency, I givethem who they can call,
especially at work.
But even my family knows, myfamily knows after 10, sam is
not going to be available.
(16:34):
You know things like that, andI think that's a fair thing.
And so what I'm getting at nextis, I think, because there's an
anxiety to it, you know,because other people think a
thing.
When you don't answer or youdon't respond right away, they
think a thing.
So I say that for two reasons.
And two, it reduces the otherperson's anxiety and mine,
because now I know that theyknow if you text me after.
(16:55):
So I've already absolved myselfof this problem.
So you know, we pass it on toyour kids.
Hey, this is how it works, likemy adult children know dad's
not answering.
I just think that's interestingbecause there is a give and
take about technology, becausewe're talking about likes.
It's the same thing with text.
You're ignoring me and I'm not,and kids kind of feel that way
and they have a whole lot lesswhat's the right?
(17:16):
You know they're so muchyounger Tensions.
Yeah, yeah, tensions, man, allthat.
They're more tied into it thanmaybe even we are at some point.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
So it's not about them, it's about taking care of
you and how do you set thoseboundaries?
I think it's important too thatwe recognize what information
is appropriate to share overtext, what should happen in a
phone call and what shouldhappen face-to-face.
And anytime you're discussing aconflict or a situation where
there could possibly be amisunderstanding, making sure
(17:46):
you're face-to-face can reallyhelp that conversation.
That way you get tone of voice,you get facial expression.
We read so much into words sentthrough text.
We assign emotion or intent.
That's not there.
It's just so easy tomisunderstand that form of
communication.
And so for everybody, butespecially with your kids and
(18:09):
family members, have thoseface-to-face conversations.
Speaker 6 (18:12):
Same with my sister.
She lives in Austin, so she'snine hours away from me, and I
FaceTime her at least once aweek because I want to actually
see her.
And so I think that if you dohave to use the phones maybe
even trying to make it morepersonal in your conversations-
how should parents think abouttechnology?
Speaker 3 (18:27):
What's a healthy mindset to approach with it,
rather than just reacting toproblems?
Speaker 5 (18:31):
I think that the older we are, the more we get
trapped in thinking about thegood old days before.
Right, we focus on the problemsand challenges that phones and
technology have brought, and thelast podcast was all about the
positive things.
Right, but we have to realizethat it's here to stay.
It's not going to change.
Josh, you mentioned settingsome expectations from the
(18:53):
beginning.
I think when you start withexpectations, it's so much
easier to address any conflictsor problems that come up, rather
than waiting until there's aproblem and then you try to
solve it.
But understanding this is apart of life and the more
willing we are to embrace it, tolearn about it and to move
forward with it, the morehealthy use of it that we can
(19:15):
have and that also our kids canhave.
Speaker 6 (19:17):
I love that you said that.
So you know my son with Kindernow they watch some YouTube at
school, right?
Yeah, youtube can be stressfulfor parents.
I think it's stressful for mebecause of the ads that they're
going to see, and they do notalways put Kids Safe ads on
there, and so that is verystressful for me as a parent.
And so my son knows like.
He asked can I watch YouTube?
(19:38):
And I'm like OK, what do youwant to?
We need to pick the show, andthen it's in the living room and
mom's like cooking dinner atthe same time, so that I also
see the ads, and he's great atskipping them.
I just also want to be veryaware of the situation, right.
And so he asked like why is itwhy?
Why are you more particularabout like than me watching my
Disney show?
Right, like I'm like becausemaybe they put stuff on there
that mom doesn't think is OK,and mom needs to make sure that
(20:05):
she's watching for your safety,but also because you might not
need to see certain things onthere, right, or it might turn
into a scary show, because it'llturn into the next show that
isn't appropriate for kids, andso I think, just having a
healthy mindset of hey, I knowthat, so I'm just going to put
more in place with that.
I don't want to completelyremove it, you know, because he
is interested in it.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
It's like kind of.
I kind of equated my decisionto give my kids a phone to kind
of get in a car.
It's dangerous but also veryuseful.
So it's just like that.
It's just like it's a tool.
Suzanne said it.
We're all talking.
We all can probably agree thisTechnology is not going anywhere
.
It's where we're at.
It's evolved so fast since allour childhoods.
It's going to be there.
(20:39):
So now, as a parent, like youall said, let's put boundaries
in it.
But since I know it's coming,you know, and I did mine, I
think specifically because mykids when they go to athletics,
they're far and I want to knowthat they're okay.
Now they were just superexcited.
But right, and I want to knowthat they're okay.
Now they were just superexcited.
But I needed it for mine and mywife's peace of mind.
These guys are going threehours sometimes and I'm not
going to be there at times, andso that was for more my peace of
(21:01):
mind.
But the consideration to do socame with a whole lot of other
things that we knew, so I wasvery fearful.
So my advice is like, hey,let's switch from a mindset of
fear to curiosity and connection.
We were talking about it.
What's the good parts?
And then you know monitoring.
You guys talk about monitoringand I think that was always an
open thing.
If they use it inappropriately,I have the power to.
(21:22):
Hey, we got, we got to restartor we got to find a different
way to do it.
I had found my uh, my, my kids,you know, and I think, for for
the.
Yeah, we had xbox back whenthey were younger and I let them
play online.
I had something, something Idid, and I thought it was really
fun.
What I didn't think through theXbox was different than a phone
.
Right, it's not different.
They're connecting with otherpeople.
And then, with the phone, mydaughter was texting somebody.
(21:43):
She says it was a kid and Isaid, but hey, that's not a kid,
you don't know who these peopleare.
So it's something I had toteach and it was very difficult
to make them understand.
But I think what I did wrongwas I didn't do what you said,
was I did not put a boundary inplace before thinking through.
And so another advice I mighthave is okay, when you decide on
technology, because we don'tknow what's coming next when you
(22:03):
decide to get something in yourhouse, you know they have Alexa
HomePods.
What's it going to be used for?
What do I need it for?
Do I really need to control thelights with my voice?
What do I need this for?
In my case, I needed it for mychildren, so I had some peace of
mind.
Also, I think they were oldenough and they were mature
enough at that point that theycould probably use this right.
What am I going to do with this?
Do I really need this thing inmy house?
(22:24):
And if I do, what's the ups anddowns to having it?
Speaker 4 (22:28):
I think another mindset to have is yes,
technology isn't going away, butit is also continuously growing
.
New things constantly changing,and so knowing ahead of time,
you're going to have toconstantly be doing research,
research on the trends, on theapps.
There is a wonderful Facebookpage that I recommend to a lot
of families I believe it'scalled Parenting in a Tech World
(22:49):
, and then you can join it andit's just a community of parents
who are constantly postingquestions, asking for other
parents advice on what does thismean and what does this app do
to kind of get ahead of what,what might be going on I think
that's so smart because most ofus didn't grow up with this
technology and I mean, the kidsare digital natives but we're
not, and so it is, and I thinkthat we have to give ourselves
(23:12):
some grace too that because wedidn't up in that we don't
understand it.
Speaker 3 (23:16):
We probably are going to mess it up a little bit.
Joining some groups to kind oflearn and research, I think is
important to help grow.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Yeah, tech only comes with installation and operating
instructions.
I mean installationinstructions.
They don't come with what to dowith it.
Just like parenting,no-transcript, like what is this
(23:43):
, what's that app?
And look it up.
They usually have a pretty gooddescription and, in fact, other
technology can tell you what itis and what's the what's the,
what's the ups and downs for itand things.
Remember, when we were well,one of the things I used to use
was the oh, I can't remember thename of the website, but it was
a website where if, like youhad a, if you're thinking about
letting your kids watch a movie,it would rate it and then show
you like the levels of, like youknow, the bad stuff.
(24:05):
Also, it gave you like talkingconversations.
If you did choose to watch theshow, it would give you like
talking points to talk aboutwith your kids.
I can't remember that website.
Commonsensemediacom yeah, yeah,okay, I thought that was a
really neat one.
Now it's way probably differentthan now that it was back then,
but it's the same it's reallycool.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
So what are some daily habits or routines that
can help create a balancebetween phone and screen time?
Speaker 6 (24:27):
So obviously like putting a schedule together,
setting your limits orboundaries ahead of time, so
they already know expectations.
But one of the things is peoplesay, hey, go outside, we spend
all the time outside.
But nowadays I think it'simportant that they also like
what you do is what they do.
So we have chickens, which iswild.
No one in my life ever thoughtwe'd have chickens.
But my husband loves to go sitoutside and hang out with the
(24:49):
chickens and so I was laughing,which is also hilarious to me.
He sits on a bucket and talksto them and feeds them, like
every day for like 20 minutes.
But yesterday my husband was atwork and I look outside and
Leighton went out there and wassitting on the bucket talking to
the chickens, feeding them, andI was like, but right, because
that if I'm just sending themoutside but not engaging too, it
feels like an isolation alittle bit.
So I go outside with them andeven if they're riding their
(25:18):
bikes, I try to.
I don't like riding bikes but Ido ride with my six-year-old
because he loves it, and so I'mfearful because I'm so short
that I'm going to fall off andthe ground is not as far away it
feels away.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
It's obvious to have off hours.
I think that's one of thethings we all talk about.
We talked about bedtime,mealtime, you know, have those
standard off hours that you guyscan just shut down and
everybody agrees to it.
Speaker 5 (25:39):
I think it's important to pull your kids into
that conversation right.
Rather than I'm going todictate the rules about
technology use, we're going tosit down as a family and we're
going to talk about it, and yourkids will have more buy-in to
those family rules if they'vebeen set by the family rather
than you alone as the parent.
Speaker 6 (25:57):
Well and I don't know who said it, somebody said it
earlier that, like, what theysee you do is what?
So if you are only on yourphone, then they think that that
is the priority right, and sothey are watching everything we
do.
And so if phones aren't thatimportant to us, then they might
not be overused by them too.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
So what would you say is the best way to handle
phones, at bedtime or overnight?
Speaker 6 (26:15):
I think they don't need it overnight.
That is my opinion.
We don't really need itovernight either, if I'm honest
Kind of like what Sam is sayinghe knows that people that he
shuts down and people know thatabout him.
So I think it's okay that theyare taken up and you know, we
here, we at Ranch, we take themup until they're a senior and
they can earn that privilege andthe team decides.
And I think that's totallyhealthy because once they move
out of our house they're alsogoing to need to know how to do
(26:36):
it appropriately.
So it seems like a gradualthing that as they are getting
into their junior or senior year, that maybe y'all start looking
into it, because they are goingto have to navigate it
overnight once they're out ofyour house.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
So if a parent realizes that they've been too
lenient on tech or it's gottenout of control, how would you
recommend that they reset theculture at home?
Speaker 6 (26:54):
You know, josh, this is something I feel like is
interesting, that I haveconversations not necessarily
about technology, but sometimesour homes kind of get out of
whack, a little bit out ofbalance, and it's something that
Sam and I have to frequentlytalk to them about.
Okay, it's time to do a reset.
We need to set more boundaries,we need to, and it's going to
be rough for a little bit, allright, because they're going to
push back a little bit, but youcan get them back in a rhythm.
(27:15):
What people don't realize iskids actually do love boundaries
and consistencies.
They pretend like they don't,but we all want to know what to
expect.
Sam and I have theseconversations all the time about
work Like we want to know.
We know our day, it's plannedout.
We both put our calendarstogether, but everybody wants to
know their routine or how theirday is going to look.
Kids are the exact same way.
It's safer that way and so,yeah, it might be a little bumpy
(27:36):
, but I think that you canalways get it back into.
Start a routine.
Do what Suzanne said Make thema part of that conversation.
Allow them to have some sort ofbuy-in into what the schedule
or the parameters are going tolook like.
Maybe they want it like Emilywas talking earlier.
Maybe they want it after.
They want it right when theyget home, and then they have a
set time for their homework.
So let them have some choice init, yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
I like the concept of just being open and honest
about things.
You know, even describing hey,we're out of whack here and
here's why.
Also, when you don't look at itlike restriction and well, it
is going to be kind of arestriction, but at the same
time you want to do those thingsgradually, unless it's just
completely out of controlthere's something really
inappropriate.
There's a way to gradually say,hey, this is why we're doing it
, here's where we're going to.
We're not going to go straightto no springtime.
(28:17):
Maybe we go down half an hourat a time or something and we're
going to get to this point.
Let's do it together and I doit with you.
It's just not good if you'rejust going to your room all the
time.
Speaker 5 (28:40):
And so I think you have to have conversations with
your kids and lead them toinsight about the impact that
technology is having.
And so I know, in particular,one of my granddaughters will
she'll delete, like theInstagram app.
She'll realize that it'sconsuming too much of her time
or it's, you know, pulling outanxiety or whatever the case may
be, and she'll just she'lldelete it and she may go 30, 60
days without that, and thenshe'll jump back on.
You know, but she is old enoughto be aware of the impact it's
(29:02):
having and to manage thatherself.
And so I think I think, again,it's good, if your kids are old
enough, that you're having aconversation and you might even
say, hey, I've decided, I'mgoing to go Facebook free, or
Instagram you know for 30 days,because here's the impact it's
having on me.
So you're normalizing that itcan have a negative influence
and you're modeling healthychoices too.
Speaker 6 (29:24):
I think that's so interesting.
My husband has no social mediaand it drives like his family
and it drives his friends nuts,and so then they all friend me,
and so it's just funny.
But I really do try to postabout our kids so his family can
keep up.
But he has zero desire to haveany social media and won't, and
so it is interesting how but Ithink that's so wise that she's
like I can just delete this andnot I don't need it right now.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
So what role does positive family relationships
play in keeping kids connectedwith their family and friends
instead of being connected totheir technology?
Speaker 6 (29:54):
You know, I think about this all the time as my
kids are little and I just thinkI hope that they feel like a
priority and that they know thatthey're unconditionally loved
so that they want to choose thatover technology, right?
And I think about even somefriendships and even me and my
husband.
We love vacations with our kidsand most of our vacations ends
up being at water parks, butit's we, it's because we unplug,
(30:15):
we don't take our phones downthere and all the things, and so
that's some of my favoritethings is just building memories
with them.
But even when my friendshipsyou know I have a close knit
group of four of us and everyyear for our birthdays, we take
a full day off and we spend theentire day together.
That's what we do for each ofour birthdays.
So four, four days out of theyear, that's it and we're off
(30:38):
and it's just being intentionalabout time together, and so
that's my hope is that my kidssee that that's a priority over
technology and positiverelationships to do that?
Speaker 4 (30:43):
Yeah, I think of the model of leadership and service.
So if the positiverelationships are truly meeting
the need of safety, power,purpose, belonging, achievement
and adventure, then they won'tneed to seek that other places
through technology.
Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Be the dopamine hit.
Speaker 4 (30:57):
Yeah, right Be the thing that they're seeking.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
So if they feel good being around you and you're safe
, they're going to want to bearound you.
That's the whole thing.
I think technology helps fill ahole at times and we're busy.
Let's acknowledge we're busypeople, All of us.
Every parent out there hasresponsibilities and we have to
monitor ourselves about ourescape.
So be the dopamine hit.
It sounds like your kids areyour dopamine hit as well.
(31:22):
So let's be each other'sdopamine All right.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
Thank you so much for joining us today.
If you'd like to contact us andask us a question, our email
address is podcast atcalfardlyorg.
I'll make sure and leave a linkin the description and, as
always, you might have to loanout your front of the lobes
today.
Just make sure you remember andget them back.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarleyorg.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(32:02):
Calfarley's.
Thank you for spending yourtime with us and have a blessed
day.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.