January 18, 2023 • 40 mins
Letting go can be tough! In this episode, I describe what it has felt like to shift from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset and what I have learned along the way.
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What's up everyone? My name is B and you are listening to the Brand I podcast. This podcast
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talks about navigating our 20-somethings, the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of our
journeys. And learning to embrace every part of your story because your life is your brand
and so many people would benefit from just seeing you live authentically. No one has
all of the answers. We're all trying to figure it out. In a previous episode, I shared that
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I felt like this new year, this new age of 27 would be a time of post-traumatic growth
for me. And I truly do believe that. I feel proud because I feel like I'm finally at a
turning point. I'm starting to come out of this like little dark place that I was in
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and I'm starting to see things get a lot better. My mood is changing. I'm becoming more hopeful
and more confident about what could be. I have also noticed that I have struggled to
follow through with goals. So when thinking about goals that I would like to set for this
new season in my life, I am struggling a little bit and very apprehensive because it feels
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that when I'm making progress in my life with anything, I get comfortable and then revert
back to where I was. And I've been afraid of setting goals for that reason. So for example,
when I am looking at my goals concerning my health and eating healthier and a more whole
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diet, I find that I do so well with logging my food and just eating things in moderation.
And then once I start to get real comfortable and notice that I'm meeting or closer to meeting
some of the goals that I set for myself, I tend to get a little more comfortable and
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excited and I'm a lot less vigilant. So I start indulging in more or attending more
happy hours or I'm less concerned with meeting those goals. And then when I get off track,
then I go to a place where I realize I'm off track and I binge and I say, okay, well, I
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might as well just continue eating the way that I wanted to eat because I already messed
up and I'm going to have to restart tomorrow or on Monday. So I might as well just enjoy
my life while I can. It's like I'm afraid because I feel like I'm afraid to let go because
I feel like I'm going to miss out or if I don't indulge in that moment, I'm going to
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miss out. And it's even manifested itself in relationships and what I choose to invest
my time and money into. So when I think about what is the root of the choice that I'm choosing
to make right now, I've come to realize that I have a more punitive view of fate and how
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the world works. I believe that one wrong move and I have made a decision that will
ruin my life forever. And I tend to operate in that fear. And that is something that causes
me to make a lot of decisions. So like I said, it's time for me to set new goals and I'm
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nervous. I don't want to let myself down and I don't want to be let down by the world around
me or by God or by fate or by anything. And it even affects the way that I view some of
my goals because it feels that some of these goals are not, I can't achieve them. And even
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though I know that if I were talking to a friend and they were asking me for encouragement,
I would tell them, oh, you can definitely do it, go for it. But I can't apply that same
encouragement to myself. So I spoke with my therapist about this because she was also
asking me to think about what goals I would like to meet for this year of therapy. And
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I just shared my concerns with her about my habit of regressing. I call it regressing
because I don't know what else to call it. But it's just, you know, I get so excited
at the sight of any kind of progress and then get real comfortable. And she brought up the
idea of a scarcity mindset, which I had never heard of that. And I found out that it's when
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you're hyper focused on the things that you lack. So whether it be time, money, opportunities,
whatever that looks like for you. And some of the characteristics of the scarcity mindset
are always feeling behind in life. Bills and other responsibilities piling up, which I'm
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always putting something off. I love procrastinating and I'm getting better at it, but it's still
hard. Overscheduling yourself and saying yes to opportunities that aren't right for you
because you're afraid that another one won't come. And when I think about all of those
characteristics, which these aren't all of the scarcity mindset characteristics, but
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I chose a few that I really resonate with and that have been some of the determining
factors of the decisions that I've made. And I do usually feel behind and I wake up in
the morning thinking about the billion things I have to do and I go to bed thinking about
the things that I have to do so much so that it actually affects my sleep. And prior to
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learning about the scarcity mindset, I actually thought that this was just normal and that
it was healthy. But it being brought to my attention has made me really think about are
these healthy practices? And I've also tried to assess what resources I have available
in my life and I have so many, but I tend not to use them because I view life through
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the lens of scarcity and I'm a little more pessimistic. But I was having dinner with
my friend Taylor this past weekend and I always love chatting with her because she has an
abundance mindset, which is the exact opposite of a scarcity mindset. I laugh because I admire
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how real and authentic and confident Taylor is because when I talk to her, she'll talk
about her friends and she'll say, I'm only investing in friendships that mean something
to me. Or when she talks about dating, she's just so content with the future. She doesn't
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mind curving a man because she doesn't like something about him, but she just is so sure
of herself and sure of the world around her that she knows that another opportunity is
going to come or another friend is going to come. And even though it may be hard to let
go of some friendships, she's also able to honor the fact that you may be lonely for
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a little bit. It may suck, but that's okay because you'll get through it. And it was
just so funny that I was able to notice this difference in her mindset and mine because
it was a few days prior to our conversation that I actually learned about the scarcity
mindset and that I may be struggling with that. So when my therapist brought up the
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idea of the scarcity mindset, I thought about how I could move forward in a way that would
be beneficial to me. So between now and my next therapy appointment, I have decided to
identify areas in my life where I view life possibilities and opportunities as limited
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and how that may be impacting me. And it has been a very interesting process and time for
me because one, I feel just appalled, honestly, because as soon as my therapist started explaining
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the scarcity mindset to me, I thought back to conversations that I would have with my
mother. And I remember even as a kid, I started overeating out of fear. I grew up in a house
with three older siblings, I would wake up extra early and go eat my favorite cereal,
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but I would eat as much as possible before my siblings ate it all. Or when I would go
to the nail salon with my mom, I would get so stressed out because my thought would be,
what if I don't like the color or the style? So I would always stick with the same colors
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and the same shape and the same styles. And my mom would always say, Brandy, if you don't
like it, it's okay. It's absolutely fine. And I would say, no, it's not because then
I was stuck with it. But then she would tell me, no, I will just bring you back to the
nail salon and you can get your color changed or you can change the style. And that would
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help me. But I've noticed that that's how I view a lot of things in my life in that
I'm starting to wonder if this has been a mindset that I've had since I was a child
and one that has fueled a lot of the decisions that I've made or one that has encouraged
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me to tolerate certain things in my life because I'm afraid of what might happen. If I set
boundaries, then I'm pushing everyone away and then I'm not going to even have any good
friends. So I might as well just hold on to friendships that aren't as mutually beneficial
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anymore. And since I have taken time to assess where I may be looking at life through the
lens of limits, I've noticed that I have so much clutter in my life, in my physical space
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and just in all other aspects of my life. And it was funny because I called my sister
after therapy and I was explaining this whole scarcity mindset thing to her. And then she
was laughing and was like, well, I did kind of want to have a conversation with you because
I'm afraid that you're becoming a hoarder. That caught me caught me off guard because
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I really don't like clutter. And I was like, when you come over to my place, you don't
see clutter. Well, I don't think you see clutter. So I'm like, what do you mean? And she explained
that whenever she goes to my dad's condo, she sees that I have all of this stuff in
my old room. And it's stuff from undergrad, it's stuff from my childhood, but it's even
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like shoes and clothes and stuff that I don't even wear or think about. But I always hold
on to it. And when she would ask me, is this trash, I can throw it away, I would always
respond like, no, not at all. I need that. Or even after losing my mom, she had noticed
that I hold on to things that I don't need, but they were my mom's, or my mom gave them
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to me. And even though I just like put them in the back of the closet, now I'm afraid
to let go of those items. Because I think that well, when I think about why I think
that I'm afraid that I'll forget my mom, or I'll forget the memories that came with it.
And she really offended me when she said that when my sister said all that it offended me
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and I had to take a second. But then literally 30 seconds later, I realized she's absolutely
right. I may not feel I think I just feel guilty because I know it's true. And I also
learned in therapy, the difference between guilt and shame, where guilt is actually not
a bad thing. But this is something or an emotion that encourages you to make amends or to be
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better. Whereas shame is something that you carry around with you. And you hide it because
you don't you're embarrassed of it. And she explained that guilt and shame are actually
cousins but guilt, there's nothing wrong with it. It could actually help you grow as a human
being. And I found that fascinating because in that moment, I felt a sense of guilt and
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shame. I felt guilt. Because I know that I've been holding on to things that I probably
don't need in my physical space. But I felt shame. Because I think about all of the things
and people in my life that I and opportunities that I've held on to that aren't mutually
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beneficial. They're actually pretty unhealthy. But I hold on to them because I'm afraid of
the future. I'm afraid that this will be the end of the opera. This will be the end of
the opportunities that come my way. So not only am I holding on to all these physical
things, but now I'm holding on to things emotionally. And it's what I tend to do. It's and I tend
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to have trouble saying no, I have trouble saying no when it comes to hanging out with
people. Because I feel like, well, they're not going to want to be my friend anymore,
essentially, and I'm letting them down. So I know that I don't have the capacity to really
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hang out with these people or, you know, to really participate in these plans. But I'm
going to over commit myself and over schedule myself so that I'm not letting anyone down
and I'm not missing out on opportunities. Because if I say no to this opportunity, they'll
never invite me to hang out again. And saying that out loud, it sounds pretty ludicrous.
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But when I think about it, it feels very real, it feels very true. And that feels like my
reality. So I'm anticipating that this is going to be quite a journey for me. Because
unlearning some of my behaviors and really getting to the root of some of my decisions
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is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Because even when my sister was very honest,
and she was so sweet about it, she wasn't coming from a place of judgment, but she was
leading with curiosity. And I felt attacked. And then I realized I probably feel attacked
because I think that it is actually something that's true. So where I've noticed the scarcity
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mindset manifested itself in my life is definitely one in my eating habits or my leading a healthy
lifestyle because the way that I've learned when working with my nutritionist, he always
says there's no such thing as a quote unquote, no food, you can have whatever you want, it's
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just about moderation. And, and I've realized that I've been struggling because I have viewed
this journey as all or nothing, pass fail. So if I over indulge, then I failed. But if
I didn't, and I stayed the course perfectly, then I'm doing well. But that's been actually
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really detrimental for me in the end, because what happens is, when I do overindulge, and
then I feel bad about myself, and I'm being really hard on myself, then I say, well, there's
always tomorrow to reset. So I'm just going to live like life like it's golden now and
eat whatever I want. And I start binging on the junk food that I had been trying to learn
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to eat in moderation. So it's actually a lot better to just define moderation for myself,
but also working with my nutritionist to make sure that moderation does not mean it's not
too limiting. It's not unrealistic, but it is a definition that allows for me to also
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eat things I enjoy, while also working towards my goals. And the way that I view life that
it's like the total opposite, I think that you have to work hard and you have to suffer,
but you know, it'll be worth it in the end. And while I think that I have conditioned
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myself to believe that you have to punish yourself, or accountability looks like punishment,
or tough love, I found that there's not been a time where I've been successful in using
that mindset to meet any of the goals that I have set. And it's been really interesting
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because when I just take stock of what I have, the resources that I have, what I possess,
all of that in my physical space, I see that there is so much that I don't need that I
have. You know, I have like pictures that children that I used to work with drew me.
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And I love the children. I'm not saying that the pictures aren't great. They're just so
beautiful but do I really need them? I have notebooks from undergrad that I am afraid
to throw away or planners because I remember writing notes in them or I think that some
of them represent some really cool memories that I have. I look at, you know, just different
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pieces of mail that I have held on to for so long, but I don't even really need them.
But I'm afraid that one day I'm possibly going to need them. I have old markers that I know
don't work the way that they used to, but I still have them. And when I look at my place
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now because moving to the city, I had to downsize pretty significantly. And I always say like,
man, I wish I had more space. But I think about all of this quote unquote junk that
I have that is neatly placed in different parts of my apartment and they look like they
are in place and that they're supposed to be there. But I really don't need them. And
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I'm like, man, there would be there's just so much space and opportunity in this apartment.
But because I am dead set on holding on to these things, these quote unquote memories
are just what are really just pieces of junk. I'm missing out on that space. It's taking
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up space. And it's also stifling my creativity because what could be, you know, where a plant
could be somewhere is actually where there are some books maybe or some shoes that I
don't ever wear. And I've tried to think about how do I know if something is essential. And
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then I realized if I haven't thought about it in 90 days, do I really need it? I have
so many clothes in my closet that I do not wear. And I'm never buying new clothes really.
Or when I do buy new clothes, they still have the tag on them because I forget that they're
there because I can't see everything because there are so many clothes. And to me, I'm afraid
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to throw them away. Even clothes that I wore when I was heavier. I'm afraid to throw some
of those pieces out because one, I either spent a good amount of money on them or two,
there's a thought of what if I gained weight and then I have nothing to wear at all and
I only have clothes that fit my current size. But the reality is it takes a while to actually
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gain weight, just like it takes a while to lose it. It takes a while to gain it. And
maybe I'll also be more encouraged to continue on this health journey because I'm embracing
this new reality of mine. I am acknowledging the fact that this is my new normal and that
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there is there are more opportunities and there's hope for the future that I will continue
on the path that I'm on. I'm not holding on to my past or thinking that this growth
is limited or that it's scarce. Rather, I know that there are endless opportunities
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for me to continue to meet my goals. If I am brave enough to throw certain things away
that I am still holding on to, I am acknowledging that those might have been some very beautiful
memories. But I also have the room and the ability to create more memories and use more
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sentiment or invest in more sentimental items for my home that can remind me of where I'm
at now. I forgot what I was reading, but I read something and the author had advised
the reader to put up post-it notes throughout their home that have the phrase, I'm very
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grateful for this moment on them. And that would help maintain a level of gratitude that
we may be lacking. So I was like, okay, that's corny, but I'm going to try it. And I put
those post-it notes in various places throughout my home that I'm usually in and that I usually
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see. And it's so funny because when I look down and look at these post-it notes and I
see I'm very grateful for this moment, I really do feel a surge of happiness and gratitude
run through me. And it's like a constant reminder for me. And in those moments after I read
the post-it, naturally I've started just taking a moment to think about like, wow, I am actually
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really grateful for this moment, because the younger Brandy never thought that she would
make it to where she is now or be as happy as she is now. But I actually am happy. And
I may be stressed, but I'm very grateful for this moment because the stress that is
actually coming with this moment is, you know, what comes with the journey of what I asked
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for. And so it's a very nice reset for me. I remember when I was first going through
my breakup, the first few months, I was just having trouble with the idea of letting go.
And during the breakup, I had moved all of the pictures of my ex and I to a hidden album.
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I had moved all of the stuff that he gave me into a box and hid that box because I thought,
well, if we get back together, you know, I'll still have this so I don't want to get rid
of it completely. And one day I forgot what happened, but I just felt something say, it
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was time for me to give myself the opportunity to exist in this moment and this season and
let go of the past. And I was so afraid because I thought, well, what if we get back together
then we won't have those memories anymore. And something that came to mind, I was having
this whole conversation with myself. That's what I do. You know, judge me if you want,
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that's what I do. But I remember just kind of thinking, well, even if you do get back
together, this is a season in your life that is no longer. It ended. So if you do all if
you all do get back together, you're not even giving the new relationship that you two are
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trying out a chance because you'll be so focused on what was and how things were. And you may
be trying to, you know, replicate that relationship. And then I realized just because it may be
that we are two of the same people, you know, we have a history going back into a relationship
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doesn't mean that we have to be the exact same people because we broke up for a reason.
So I was like, all right, I'm going to get rid of everything. So I threw away all of
these pictures. I threw away, you know, a love letter and just various things that were
given to me because I thought I committed to the fact that if we do get back together,
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I'm committing to new beginnings. If we don't get back together, I'm still committed to
new beginnings. But I don't know what the future holds. But there are going to be memories
more beautiful than those that I felt would be the last beautiful memories I ever experienced
with another man. It was horrifying because I don't have men writing me love letters every
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day or I don't have some of the memories that we built together. I don't get those every
day. And they meant a lot to me. But I had to think about what what is the benefit of
holding on to them. And there is a difference between treasuring and honoring and valuing
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memories and hoarding certain representations of what might be a great memory. And it's
fascinating because as we rebuild a friendship, I'm noticing that I am open to the possibilities
and what might happen in the future, whatever that looks like friends, not friends, getting
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back together. I'm open and I'm not using the past to try to force something or force
what our new beginning looks like. Rather, I'm just open and then there's just so much
space and opportunity and just if we don't get back together, that doesn't mean that
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both of us won't experience happiness. And it's interesting because I think about the
moments when I was holding on to those physical items that represented what was. And when
I was dating people during that time, I never gave them a fair shot. It was always the comparison
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game. I also spent so much time focusing on the past and trying to recreate these feelings
or memories that I had that I was unable to open myself to anything new. I was holding
on to situations that really I knew were not for me, but I felt a sense of guilt and fear.
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And I was thinking if I let go and say no to any opportunity that isn't right for me,
I'm going to be alone forever or I'm going to miss out on something good. So my hoarding
of older memories then actually caused me to begin hoarding different opportunities
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or holding on to situations and friendships that were no good for me at all, at all, at
all, and did not make me happy. But then when I was able to let go of things, I saw that
I was just open and I was giving people a fair shot. I was giving myself a fair shot,
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but I was also learning how to exist in the moment and not allow what was to crowd and
hoard the free space and the happiness that I had moving into these new spaces in my life.
And getting rid of the pictures and the love letters or whatever else was hard in the moment
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and it hurt during that moment. But once I was done and came out on the other side, I
was more hopeful for what was to come in my life. I wasn't stuck in what was, but I was
ready for what is happening right now and also open to what may happen in the future,
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whatever that looks like. I stopped trying to define my future for myself and I started
allowing myself to just be present in the moment and allow for the idea that happiness
can come in different ways or just because an opportunity didn't work out doesn't mean
that we have to cling to those memories, but you can honor them and the lessons that they
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brought while also creating new memories, whatever that looks like. But I am learning
and it's still a journey and I think it will be a journey for a long time because I'm only
at the beginning. I'm only in the space where I have been able to identify this and now
I'm trying to see where it happens and in what areas of my life it's happening. I even
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try to let go of things even when I'm just doing dishes. So if I notice that I have a
dish that I don't use or a container that's getting older, I've now decided to throw it
out. That's what I love about my friend that I was talking about earlier, Taylor, is she's
able to do that. She's able to be okay with leaving empty spaces in her life because she
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is hopeful for the future. She's aware that she's deserving of more than what she's being
given in that moment. So how can we look at the jobs that we take or the people that we
hang out with or the opportunities that we say yes to and feel okay with saying no, not
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feeling bad about it, rather understanding that there's so much value and so much opportunity
that exists in the world and that we are valuable enough to draw the line or to say no thank
you. And even in my interview with Caleb last week, I think that he alluded to that as well
as he didn't have the sense of urgency or the need to hoard or hold on to people out
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of fear of being alone or he didn't, you know, stay in one place geographically because he
was afraid to take that leap of faith and move out of state. Rather, he understood that
it's a learning process that life is really just a journey. And we are meant to live that
life and go on that journey because how can we learn or grow or truly know what makes
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us happy as human beings. And I'm really eager to see how my mindset is going to shift when
I create new or create more space in my physical space by getting rid of what was and leaving
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room for what is and what is to come. Because sometimes I go to bed stressed or feeling
overwhelmed if I look in a corner and just see too much. So I look at my bookshelf right
now and I see too many notebooks that I really don't need and I haven't opened in years.
And do I really remember everything that's in them? Probably not. It may be nice to go
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through those pages every once in a while, but I really don't. And I'm always afraid
that the knowledge that I, you know, gained in undergrad or grad school or different meetings,
I'm going to need them one day and I'm not going to have them. But if I'm being realistic,
none of these notebooks are dated, organized, nothing. They're just there and knowing myself,
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I'm not going to open each and every notebook when I'm looking for something and just go
through all of the pages. And then my attention span is so short. So in most of my notebooks,
it's just like doodles and drawings during times that I was really bored in a meeting
or in class. So I am going to challenge you and myself or if this is something that you
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struggle with holding on to things that you could easily let go of and that you don't
necessarily need is to spend time in one area of your life. So it could be assessing friendships
or it could be a physical space like your closet and throwing out things that no longer
have value in your life. In episode two of this season, my self love matters episode,
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I talked about how a psychologist suggested that if receiving gifts is your love language,
then one way to practice this is by only buying things that you're passionate about so that
your space is filled with positive vibes and things that represent you in the season that
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you're in and the opportunities to come. And I think that that's something that is so important
to think about and it keeps coming up in my mind when I think about how much clutter I
actually have in my physical, spiritual and emotional space. And ever since the whole
scarcity thing has been brought to my attention, I'm noticing clutter. It's like clutter everywhere
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and I don't need half of this stuff. But why am I holding on to it? If it's something
that my mother gave me, which there's nothing wrong with me holding on to certain things,
but if it's just going to sit in the back of my closet and collect dust, then maybe
it would better represent her legacy if I donated it to charity or did something more
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useful with it rather than just holding on to it and forgetting about it until I get
to the back of my closet every three years and then remember it. And I think that the
more that we begin to recognize what we have or we create space, then we'll start to see
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new possibilities and we'll start to see what can happen when we're open. And having an
abundance mindset is such a beautiful thing. I don't even have that mindset, but the times
where I have adopted that mentality, I've been much happier and I'm practicing more self-compassion
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because I'm not constantly focused on my past and clinging to everything from my past because
that gets tiring. It starts to feel very stale when I'm just, you know, stuck in one season
of my life that's no longer relevant to the current season. Then I feel like a failure
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and then I look like, you know, I look at myself all crazy because I feel that I haven't
grown and even with the clothes that I was talking about of being afraid to let go of
clothes that were too big, then it's this like self-fulfilling prophecy where I'm like,
see I knew that I really hadn't made that much progress and my mom used to always tell
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me when I would lose weight, like get rid of that because you're just going to keep
wearing it and you're not going to be able to see how far you've actually come. And I
would roll my eyes like, okay, you're just being extra, but it's so true when we're holding
on to things and we're, you know, forcing ourselves to limit ourselves and we don't
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have hope, then we're stuck looking at where we are and seeing that as an end all be all.
And that's how I am a lot is I will put a cap on my happiness or my progress because
I think that, you know, if I don't hold on to this now, or if I don't value this now,
then I will never, I'll just be disappointed and regret it because I won't have this in
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the future. And I'll be angry with myself that I didn't take advantage of this amazing opportunity
or I didn't protect it or preserve it. Because, you know, it's it's really hard. It's a really
scary feeling and thought to think about letting go of sentimental things in our lives. It's
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very scary and very intimidating. But I know that the more that we start to practice it,
the better that it will get, especially as we start to navigate and work on becoming
more authentic and vulnerable, we'll start to find meaning and who we were, and excitement
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for who we are becoming. And that's what it's all about. Unbecoming the standards that we
feel that we should set and becoming who we want to be and going through the journey of
self discovery. So my quote for the week is by HG Chisel. And it is clutter is the physical
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manifestation of fear that cripples your ability to grow. And my question of the week is what
has clutter in any aspect of your life prevented you from achieving? Thank you so much for tuning
in. Please be sure to rate, review and subscribe and check in with me and let me know how you're
(40:04):
doing. All right, have a great week.
What's up everyone? My name is B and you are listening to the Brand I podcast. This podcast
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talks about navigating our 20-somethings, the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of our
journeys. And learning to embrace every part of your story because your life is your brand
and so many people would benefit from just seeing you live authentically. No one has
all of the answers. We're all trying to figure it out. In a previous episode, I shared that
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I felt like this new year, this new age of 27 would be a time of post-traumatic growth
for me. And I truly do believe that. I feel proud because I feel like I'm finally at a
turning point. I'm starting to come out of this like little dark place that I was in
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and I'm starting to see things get a lot better. My mood is changing. I'm becoming more hopeful
and more confident about what could be. I have also noticed that I have struggled to
follow through with goals. So when thinking about goals that I would like to set for this
new season in my life, I am struggling a little bit and very apprehensive because it feels
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that when I'm making progress in my life with anything, I get comfortable and then revert
back to where I was. And I've been afraid of setting goals for that reason. So for example,
when I am looking at my goals concerning my health and eating healthier and a more whole
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diet, I find that I do so well with logging my food and just eating things in moderation.
And then once I start to get real comfortable and notice that I'm meeting or closer to meeting
some of the goals that I set for myself, I tend to get a little more comfortable and
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excited and I'm a lot less vigilant. So I start indulging in more or attending more
happy hours or I'm less concerned with meeting those goals. And then when I get off track,
then I go to a place where I realize I'm off track and I binge and I say, okay, well, I
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might as well just continue eating the way that I wanted to eat because I already messed
up and I'm going to have to restart tomorrow or on Monday. So I might as well just enjoy
my life while I can. It's like I'm afraid because I feel like I'm afraid to let go because
I feel like I'm going to miss out or if I don't indulge in that moment, I'm going to
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miss out. And it's even manifested itself in relationships and what I choose to invest
my time and money into. So when I think about what is the root of the choice that I'm choosing
to make right now, I've come to realize that I have a more punitive view of fate and how
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the world works. I believe that one wrong move and I have made a decision that will
ruin my life forever. And I tend to operate in that fear. And that is something that causes
me to make a lot of decisions. So like I said, it's time for me to set new goals and I'm
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nervous. I don't want to let myself down and I don't want to be let down by the world around
me or by God or by fate or by anything. And it even affects the way that I view some of
my goals because it feels that some of these goals are not, I can't achieve them. And even
(04:04):
though I know that if I were talking to a friend and they were asking me for encouragement,
I would tell them, oh, you can definitely do it, go for it. But I can't apply that same
encouragement to myself. So I spoke with my therapist about this because she was also
asking me to think about what goals I would like to meet for this year of therapy. And
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I just shared my concerns with her about my habit of regressing. I call it regressing
because I don't know what else to call it. But it's just, you know, I get so excited
at the sight of any kind of progress and then get real comfortable. And she brought up the
idea of a scarcity mindset, which I had never heard of that. And I found out that it's when
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you're hyper focused on the things that you lack. So whether it be time, money, opportunities,
whatever that looks like for you. And some of the characteristics of the scarcity mindset
are always feeling behind in life. Bills and other responsibilities piling up, which I'm
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always putting something off. I love procrastinating and I'm getting better at it, but it's still
hard. Overscheduling yourself and saying yes to opportunities that aren't right for you
because you're afraid that another one won't come. And when I think about all of those
characteristics, which these aren't all of the scarcity mindset characteristics, but
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I chose a few that I really resonate with and that have been some of the determining
factors of the decisions that I've made. And I do usually feel behind and I wake up in
the morning thinking about the billion things I have to do and I go to bed thinking about
the things that I have to do so much so that it actually affects my sleep. And prior to
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learning about the scarcity mindset, I actually thought that this was just normal and that
it was healthy. But it being brought to my attention has made me really think about are
these healthy practices? And I've also tried to assess what resources I have available
in my life and I have so many, but I tend not to use them because I view life through
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the lens of scarcity and I'm a little more pessimistic. But I was having dinner with
my friend Taylor this past weekend and I always love chatting with her because she has an
abundance mindset, which is the exact opposite of a scarcity mindset. I laugh because I admire
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how real and authentic and confident Taylor is because when I talk to her, she'll talk
about her friends and she'll say, I'm only investing in friendships that mean something
to me. Or when she talks about dating, she's just so content with the future. She doesn't
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mind curving a man because she doesn't like something about him, but she just is so sure
of herself and sure of the world around her that she knows that another opportunity is
going to come or another friend is going to come. And even though it may be hard to let
go of some friendships, she's also able to honor the fact that you may be lonely for
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a little bit. It may suck, but that's okay because you'll get through it. And it was
just so funny that I was able to notice this difference in her mindset and mine because
it was a few days prior to our conversation that I actually learned about the scarcity
mindset and that I may be struggling with that. So when my therapist brought up the
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idea of the scarcity mindset, I thought about how I could move forward in a way that would
be beneficial to me. So between now and my next therapy appointment, I have decided to
identify areas in my life where I view life possibilities and opportunities as limited
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and how that may be impacting me. And it has been a very interesting process and time for
me because one, I feel just appalled, honestly, because as soon as my therapist started explaining
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the scarcity mindset to me, I thought back to conversations that I would have with my
mother. And I remember even as a kid, I started overeating out of fear. I grew up in a house
with three older siblings, I would wake up extra early and go eat my favorite cereal,
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but I would eat as much as possible before my siblings ate it all. Or when I would go
to the nail salon with my mom, I would get so stressed out because my thought would be,
what if I don't like the color or the style? So I would always stick with the same colors
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and the same shape and the same styles. And my mom would always say, Brandy, if you don't
like it, it's okay. It's absolutely fine. And I would say, no, it's not because then
I was stuck with it. But then she would tell me, no, I will just bring you back to the
nail salon and you can get your color changed or you can change the style. And that would
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help me. But I've noticed that that's how I view a lot of things in my life in that
I'm starting to wonder if this has been a mindset that I've had since I was a child
and one that has fueled a lot of the decisions that I've made or one that has encouraged
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me to tolerate certain things in my life because I'm afraid of what might happen. If I set
boundaries, then I'm pushing everyone away and then I'm not going to even have any good
friends. So I might as well just hold on to friendships that aren't as mutually beneficial
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anymore. And since I have taken time to assess where I may be looking at life through the
lens of limits, I've noticed that I have so much clutter in my life, in my physical space
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and just in all other aspects of my life. And it was funny because I called my sister
after therapy and I was explaining this whole scarcity mindset thing to her. And then she
was laughing and was like, well, I did kind of want to have a conversation with you because
I'm afraid that you're becoming a hoarder. That caught me caught me off guard because
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I really don't like clutter. And I was like, when you come over to my place, you don't
see clutter. Well, I don't think you see clutter. So I'm like, what do you mean? And she explained
that whenever she goes to my dad's condo, she sees that I have all of this stuff in
my old room. And it's stuff from undergrad, it's stuff from my childhood, but it's even
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like shoes and clothes and stuff that I don't even wear or think about. But I always hold
on to it. And when she would ask me, is this trash, I can throw it away, I would always
respond like, no, not at all. I need that. Or even after losing my mom, she had noticed
that I hold on to things that I don't need, but they were my mom's, or my mom gave them
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to me. And even though I just like put them in the back of the closet, now I'm afraid
to let go of those items. Because I think that well, when I think about why I think
that I'm afraid that I'll forget my mom, or I'll forget the memories that came with it.
And she really offended me when she said that when my sister said all that it offended me
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and I had to take a second. But then literally 30 seconds later, I realized she's absolutely
right. I may not feel I think I just feel guilty because I know it's true. And I also
learned in therapy, the difference between guilt and shame, where guilt is actually not
a bad thing. But this is something or an emotion that encourages you to make amends or to be
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better. Whereas shame is something that you carry around with you. And you hide it because
you don't you're embarrassed of it. And she explained that guilt and shame are actually
cousins but guilt, there's nothing wrong with it. It could actually help you grow as a human
being. And I found that fascinating because in that moment, I felt a sense of guilt and
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shame. I felt guilt. Because I know that I've been holding on to things that I probably
don't need in my physical space. But I felt shame. Because I think about all of the things
and people in my life that I and opportunities that I've held on to that aren't mutually
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beneficial. They're actually pretty unhealthy. But I hold on to them because I'm afraid of
the future. I'm afraid that this will be the end of the opera. This will be the end of
the opportunities that come my way. So not only am I holding on to all these physical
things, but now I'm holding on to things emotionally. And it's what I tend to do. It's and I tend
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to have trouble saying no, I have trouble saying no when it comes to hanging out with
people. Because I feel like, well, they're not going to want to be my friend anymore,
essentially, and I'm letting them down. So I know that I don't have the capacity to really
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hang out with these people or, you know, to really participate in these plans. But I'm
going to over commit myself and over schedule myself so that I'm not letting anyone down
and I'm not missing out on opportunities. Because if I say no to this opportunity, they'll
never invite me to hang out again. And saying that out loud, it sounds pretty ludicrous.
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But when I think about it, it feels very real, it feels very true. And that feels like my
reality. So I'm anticipating that this is going to be quite a journey for me. Because
unlearning some of my behaviors and really getting to the root of some of my decisions
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is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Because even when my sister was very honest,
and she was so sweet about it, she wasn't coming from a place of judgment, but she was
leading with curiosity. And I felt attacked. And then I realized I probably feel attacked
because I think that it is actually something that's true. So where I've noticed the scarcity
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mindset manifested itself in my life is definitely one in my eating habits or my leading a healthy
lifestyle because the way that I've learned when working with my nutritionist, he always
says there's no such thing as a quote unquote, no food, you can have whatever you want, it's
(16:05):
just about moderation. And, and I've realized that I've been struggling because I have viewed
this journey as all or nothing, pass fail. So if I over indulge, then I failed. But if
I didn't, and I stayed the course perfectly, then I'm doing well. But that's been actually
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really detrimental for me in the end, because what happens is, when I do overindulge, and
then I feel bad about myself, and I'm being really hard on myself, then I say, well, there's
always tomorrow to reset. So I'm just going to live like life like it's golden now and
eat whatever I want. And I start binging on the junk food that I had been trying to learn
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to eat in moderation. So it's actually a lot better to just define moderation for myself,
but also working with my nutritionist to make sure that moderation does not mean it's not
too limiting. It's not unrealistic, but it is a definition that allows for me to also
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eat things I enjoy, while also working towards my goals. And the way that I view life that
it's like the total opposite, I think that you have to work hard and you have to suffer,
but you know, it'll be worth it in the end. And while I think that I have conditioned
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myself to believe that you have to punish yourself, or accountability looks like punishment,
or tough love, I found that there's not been a time where I've been successful in using
that mindset to meet any of the goals that I have set. And it's been really interesting
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because when I just take stock of what I have, the resources that I have, what I possess,
all of that in my physical space, I see that there is so much that I don't need that I
have. You know, I have like pictures that children that I used to work with drew me.
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And I love the children. I'm not saying that the pictures aren't great. They're just so
beautiful but do I really need them? I have notebooks from undergrad that I am afraid
to throw away or planners because I remember writing notes in them or I think that some
of them represent some really cool memories that I have. I look at, you know, just different
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pieces of mail that I have held on to for so long, but I don't even really need them.
But I'm afraid that one day I'm possibly going to need them. I have old markers that I know
don't work the way that they used to, but I still have them. And when I look at my place
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now because moving to the city, I had to downsize pretty significantly. And I always say like,
man, I wish I had more space. But I think about all of this quote unquote junk that
I have that is neatly placed in different parts of my apartment and they look like they
are in place and that they're supposed to be there. But I really don't need them. And
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I'm like, man, there would be there's just so much space and opportunity in this apartment.
But because I am dead set on holding on to these things, these quote unquote memories
are just what are really just pieces of junk. I'm missing out on that space. It's taking
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up space. And it's also stifling my creativity because what could be, you know, where a plant
could be somewhere is actually where there are some books maybe or some shoes that I
don't ever wear. And I've tried to think about how do I know if something is essential. And
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then I realized if I haven't thought about it in 90 days, do I really need it? I have
so many clothes in my closet that I do not wear. And I'm never buying new clothes really.
Or when I do buy new clothes, they still have the tag on them because I forget that they're
there because I can't see everything because there are so many clothes. And to me, I'm afraid
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to throw them away. Even clothes that I wore when I was heavier. I'm afraid to throw some
of those pieces out because one, I either spent a good amount of money on them or two,
there's a thought of what if I gained weight and then I have nothing to wear at all and
I only have clothes that fit my current size. But the reality is it takes a while to actually
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gain weight, just like it takes a while to lose it. It takes a while to gain it. And
maybe I'll also be more encouraged to continue on this health journey because I'm embracing
this new reality of mine. I am acknowledging the fact that this is my new normal and that
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there is there are more opportunities and there's hope for the future that I will continue
on the path that I'm on. I'm not holding on to my past or thinking that this growth
is limited or that it's scarce. Rather, I know that there are endless opportunities
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for me to continue to meet my goals. If I am brave enough to throw certain things away
that I am still holding on to, I am acknowledging that those might have been some very beautiful
memories. But I also have the room and the ability to create more memories and use more
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sentiment or invest in more sentimental items for my home that can remind me of where I'm
at now. I forgot what I was reading, but I read something and the author had advised
the reader to put up post-it notes throughout their home that have the phrase, I'm very
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grateful for this moment on them. And that would help maintain a level of gratitude that
we may be lacking. So I was like, okay, that's corny, but I'm going to try it. And I put
those post-it notes in various places throughout my home that I'm usually in and that I usually
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see. And it's so funny because when I look down and look at these post-it notes and I
see I'm very grateful for this moment, I really do feel a surge of happiness and gratitude
run through me. And it's like a constant reminder for me. And in those moments after I read
the post-it, naturally I've started just taking a moment to think about like, wow, I am actually
(23:43):
really grateful for this moment, because the younger Brandy never thought that she would
make it to where she is now or be as happy as she is now. But I actually am happy. And
I may be stressed, but I'm very grateful for this moment because the stress that is
actually coming with this moment is, you know, what comes with the journey of what I asked
(24:06):
for. And so it's a very nice reset for me. I remember when I was first going through
my breakup, the first few months, I was just having trouble with the idea of letting go.
And during the breakup, I had moved all of the pictures of my ex and I to a hidden album.
(24:32):
I had moved all of the stuff that he gave me into a box and hid that box because I thought,
well, if we get back together, you know, I'll still have this so I don't want to get rid
of it completely. And one day I forgot what happened, but I just felt something say, it
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was time for me to give myself the opportunity to exist in this moment and this season and
let go of the past. And I was so afraid because I thought, well, what if we get back together
then we won't have those memories anymore. And something that came to mind, I was having
this whole conversation with myself. That's what I do. You know, judge me if you want,
(25:16):
that's what I do. But I remember just kind of thinking, well, even if you do get back
together, this is a season in your life that is no longer. It ended. So if you do all if
you all do get back together, you're not even giving the new relationship that you two are
(25:40):
trying out a chance because you'll be so focused on what was and how things were. And you may
be trying to, you know, replicate that relationship. And then I realized just because it may be
that we are two of the same people, you know, we have a history going back into a relationship
(26:05):
doesn't mean that we have to be the exact same people because we broke up for a reason.
So I was like, all right, I'm going to get rid of everything. So I threw away all of
these pictures. I threw away, you know, a love letter and just various things that were
given to me because I thought I committed to the fact that if we do get back together,
(26:30):
I'm committing to new beginnings. If we don't get back together, I'm still committed to
new beginnings. But I don't know what the future holds. But there are going to be memories
more beautiful than those that I felt would be the last beautiful memories I ever experienced
with another man. It was horrifying because I don't have men writing me love letters every
(26:54):
day or I don't have some of the memories that we built together. I don't get those every
day. And they meant a lot to me. But I had to think about what what is the benefit of
holding on to them. And there is a difference between treasuring and honoring and valuing
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memories and hoarding certain representations of what might be a great memory. And it's
fascinating because as we rebuild a friendship, I'm noticing that I am open to the possibilities
and what might happen in the future, whatever that looks like friends, not friends, getting
(27:39):
back together. I'm open and I'm not using the past to try to force something or force
what our new beginning looks like. Rather, I'm just open and then there's just so much
space and opportunity and just if we don't get back together, that doesn't mean that
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both of us won't experience happiness. And it's interesting because I think about the
moments when I was holding on to those physical items that represented what was. And when
I was dating people during that time, I never gave them a fair shot. It was always the comparison
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game. I also spent so much time focusing on the past and trying to recreate these feelings
or memories that I had that I was unable to open myself to anything new. I was holding
on to situations that really I knew were not for me, but I felt a sense of guilt and fear.
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And I was thinking if I let go and say no to any opportunity that isn't right for me,
I'm going to be alone forever or I'm going to miss out on something good. So my hoarding
of older memories then actually caused me to begin hoarding different opportunities
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or holding on to situations and friendships that were no good for me at all, at all, at
all, and did not make me happy. But then when I was able to let go of things, I saw that
I was just open and I was giving people a fair shot. I was giving myself a fair shot,
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but I was also learning how to exist in the moment and not allow what was to crowd and
hoard the free space and the happiness that I had moving into these new spaces in my life.
And getting rid of the pictures and the love letters or whatever else was hard in the moment
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and it hurt during that moment. But once I was done and came out on the other side, I
was more hopeful for what was to come in my life. I wasn't stuck in what was, but I was
ready for what is happening right now and also open to what may happen in the future,
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whatever that looks like. I stopped trying to define my future for myself and I started
allowing myself to just be present in the moment and allow for the idea that happiness
can come in different ways or just because an opportunity didn't work out doesn't mean
that we have to cling to those memories, but you can honor them and the lessons that they
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brought while also creating new memories, whatever that looks like. But I am learning
and it's still a journey and I think it will be a journey for a long time because I'm only
at the beginning. I'm only in the space where I have been able to identify this and now
I'm trying to see where it happens and in what areas of my life it's happening. I even
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try to let go of things even when I'm just doing dishes. So if I notice that I have a
dish that I don't use or a container that's getting older, I've now decided to throw it
out. That's what I love about my friend that I was talking about earlier, Taylor, is she's
able to do that. She's able to be okay with leaving empty spaces in her life because she
(31:52):
is hopeful for the future. She's aware that she's deserving of more than what she's being
given in that moment. So how can we look at the jobs that we take or the people that we
hang out with or the opportunities that we say yes to and feel okay with saying no, not
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feeling bad about it, rather understanding that there's so much value and so much opportunity
that exists in the world and that we are valuable enough to draw the line or to say no thank
you. And even in my interview with Caleb last week, I think that he alluded to that as well
as he didn't have the sense of urgency or the need to hoard or hold on to people out
(32:42):
of fear of being alone or he didn't, you know, stay in one place geographically because he
was afraid to take that leap of faith and move out of state. Rather, he understood that
it's a learning process that life is really just a journey. And we are meant to live that
life and go on that journey because how can we learn or grow or truly know what makes
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us happy as human beings. And I'm really eager to see how my mindset is going to shift when
I create new or create more space in my physical space by getting rid of what was and leaving
(33:29):
room for what is and what is to come. Because sometimes I go to bed stressed or feeling
overwhelmed if I look in a corner and just see too much. So I look at my bookshelf right
now and I see too many notebooks that I really don't need and I haven't opened in years.
And do I really remember everything that's in them? Probably not. It may be nice to go
(33:53):
through those pages every once in a while, but I really don't. And I'm always afraid
that the knowledge that I, you know, gained in undergrad or grad school or different meetings,
I'm going to need them one day and I'm not going to have them. But if I'm being realistic,
none of these notebooks are dated, organized, nothing. They're just there and knowing myself,
(34:18):
I'm not going to open each and every notebook when I'm looking for something and just go
through all of the pages. And then my attention span is so short. So in most of my notebooks,
it's just like doodles and drawings during times that I was really bored in a meeting
or in class. So I am going to challenge you and myself or if this is something that you
(34:44):
struggle with holding on to things that you could easily let go of and that you don't
necessarily need is to spend time in one area of your life. So it could be assessing friendships
or it could be a physical space like your closet and throwing out things that no longer
have value in your life. In episode two of this season, my self love matters episode,
(35:10):
I talked about how a psychologist suggested that if receiving gifts is your love language,
then one way to practice this is by only buying things that you're passionate about so that
your space is filled with positive vibes and things that represent you in the season that
(35:32):
you're in and the opportunities to come. And I think that that's something that is so important
to think about and it keeps coming up in my mind when I think about how much clutter I
actually have in my physical, spiritual and emotional space. And ever since the whole
scarcity thing has been brought to my attention, I'm noticing clutter. It's like clutter everywhere
(35:57):
and I don't need half of this stuff. But why am I holding on to it? If it's something
that my mother gave me, which there's nothing wrong with me holding on to certain things,
but if it's just going to sit in the back of my closet and collect dust, then maybe
it would better represent her legacy if I donated it to charity or did something more
(36:19):
useful with it rather than just holding on to it and forgetting about it until I get
to the back of my closet every three years and then remember it. And I think that the
more that we begin to recognize what we have or we create space, then we'll start to see
(36:40):
new possibilities and we'll start to see what can happen when we're open. And having an
abundance mindset is such a beautiful thing. I don't even have that mindset, but the times
where I have adopted that mentality, I've been much happier and I'm practicing more self-compassion
(37:03):
because I'm not constantly focused on my past and clinging to everything from my past because
that gets tiring. It starts to feel very stale when I'm just, you know, stuck in one season
of my life that's no longer relevant to the current season. Then I feel like a failure
(37:26):
and then I look like, you know, I look at myself all crazy because I feel that I haven't
grown and even with the clothes that I was talking about of being afraid to let go of
clothes that were too big, then it's this like self-fulfilling prophecy where I'm like,
see I knew that I really hadn't made that much progress and my mom used to always tell
(37:48):
me when I would lose weight, like get rid of that because you're just going to keep
wearing it and you're not going to be able to see how far you've actually come. And I
would roll my eyes like, okay, you're just being extra, but it's so true when we're holding
on to things and we're, you know, forcing ourselves to limit ourselves and we don't
(38:09):
have hope, then we're stuck looking at where we are and seeing that as an end all be all.
And that's how I am a lot is I will put a cap on my happiness or my progress because
I think that, you know, if I don't hold on to this now, or if I don't value this now,
then I will never, I'll just be disappointed and regret it because I won't have this in
(38:34):
the future. And I'll be angry with myself that I didn't take advantage of this amazing opportunity
or I didn't protect it or preserve it. Because, you know, it's it's really hard. It's a really
scary feeling and thought to think about letting go of sentimental things in our lives. It's
(38:59):
very scary and very intimidating. But I know that the more that we start to practice it,
the better that it will get, especially as we start to navigate and work on becoming
more authentic and vulnerable, we'll start to find meaning and who we were, and excitement
(39:19):
for who we are becoming. And that's what it's all about. Unbecoming the standards that we
feel that we should set and becoming who we want to be and going through the journey of
self discovery. So my quote for the week is by HG Chisel. And it is clutter is the physical
(39:42):
manifestation of fear that cripples your ability to grow. And my question of the week is what
has clutter in any aspect of your life prevented you from achieving? Thank you so much for tuning
in. Please be sure to rate, review and subscribe and check in with me and let me know how you're
(40:04):
doing. All right, have a great week.
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