Discovering Your Patterns: Three Methods to Move Beyond Familial Loyalty

On this solo episode of Cafe con Pam, Pam gets real about loyalty—the kind that's hidden deep in our beliefs, not just earned with punch cards or friendship bracelets. Pam digs into how family history, subconscious patterns, and ancestral stories can keep us stuck in the same cycles, and why breaking free doesn’t mean betraying where we come from.

With nerdy science facts, relatable examples, and super practical tools like the FUEGO Method, Pam shows you how to spot old patterns and create new ones that lead to freedom and growth.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
So for me Ola sopam and welcome to our Mergarito,
the place where we showcase the brands that believe in
us and help us make the show possible. Let's meet them.
We all know this. Talking about money is not always

(00:26):
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i ees dot org. But I'm beisad your financial freedom.
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(01:54):
bmo dot com for slash checking conditions. Apply accounts provided
in the United Slime States by PIMO Bank n A
member f D I see Welcome Back to Cambam the
bilingual podcast Historias Sine Sensora j and today It's just

(02:21):
you and me. And this episode is part storytelling, part reflection,
part on learning loyalty, not the kind of loyalty you
earn with punch cards or friendship bracelets, but of the
invisible kind that runs deep in our DNA and in

(02:42):
our beliefs. Have you ever caught yourself doing something like
reacting a certain way, choosing struggle over ease, dimming your
joy and thought why do I keep doing this? Well?
Sometimes it's not even about you. Sometimes it's your Awlita's

(03:03):
survival instincts, your mom's silence, your dad's believes, your theisphere
of being too much. This is what we call the
subconscious loyalty to the lineage. You may also be loyal
packed to your past self as well. You may be
loyal to the previous version of you who had to

(03:24):
hustle to stay safe, the one who believed love must
be earned, the one who thought being quiet meant being good.
And I want to clarify, this is not what we're
going to do today. We're not going to demonize ancestral loyalty,
meaning we're not going to go into you have to
break all the cycles at all costs, or even go

(03:47):
to the opposite side of overly glorifying and honoring your ancestors,
because we now we must set healthy boundaries even with
our lineage. Let's set the stage there, ibrimeto, let's ground
ourselves in science burgue. You know, I'm a nerd diverse,

(04:08):
so I love to nerd out on things. So in
twenty thirteen, scientists ran a study with mice. They trained
them to fear the smell of orange blossoms, specifically a
compound called acetofenona I don't know how to say it English,
and they did this by pairing the smell with electric shocks.

(04:29):
Over time, the mice would panic just from the scent
without even having the presence of the shocks, So they
would bring in the scent shock them, bring the scent
shock them, bringing the scent shock them. Eventually that became
a pattern that when the mice would just notice the smell,
they would get anxious about it. And the mind blowing

(04:52):
part is as follows their children and their grandchildren. These
are mice whould never experienced the shocks. Also showed fear
when the smell of orange blossoms came into their nearest environment.

(05:13):
What scientists realized is that their DNA had changed. And
what this study shows us, and frankly, what many of
us already feel to be true, is that trauma, fear,
and memory can be passed down, and not just through stories,
but through biology. So if you feel like your body

(05:38):
flinches at joy, if you feel like your nervous system
resist peace, if part of you is scared to shine,
it may not be your story. It may be a
story you inherited. So let's keep it nerdy. Still, Let's
remember that our brain is a pattern recognition machine. The

(06:03):
brain loves the familiar. It's easy. It's easy for the
brain to just go back to what is familiar because
the role of the brain is to protect you, and
so when our brain is preserving energy, it's not burning calories.
Therefore it protects us. So that's why it always goes

(06:24):
back to the familiar. So looking at it from a
neuroscience perspective, our subconscious mind drives up to ninety five
percent of our behavior ninety five percent between the ages
of zero to seven, our brain continuously is on theta
brain waves. This is basically a sponge. So from zero

(06:48):
to seven, this is when we absorb the beliefs, the behaviors,
the roles. This is when kits and us as children,
this is when we notice everything and then we say, ooh,
this is the story I'm going to believe to be true.
Oh this is the story I'm going to believe to
be true. And these are early models that become our

(07:10):
mental operating system. So think about your phones, as we
have our phones and we often need updates on our
operating systems. Our brains kind of do to The challenge
is that we don't always upgrade operating system because we
tend to revert back to the familiar. So when we

(07:35):
repeat our mama's sacrifices or our a well as silence
or even the thea's hyperindependence. This is your subconscious loyalty perhaps,
and it could show up as feeling guilty when things
go too well, too well, that they feel not familiar.
When we block abundance because we know that the people

(07:59):
that can be for us didn't have it, so we
were like, oh, our nervous system is like, don't know
if I can receive that when we stay small because
the people that came before us weren't allowed to be big,
when we over give to prove we are still good,
and this is our nervous system, our central nervous system,

(08:22):
simply keeping you safe, not fulfilled, but safe, because that's
what it knows. What our bodies now is what's familiar,
and what's familiar is the prior story. And unless we
bring awareness, we're gonna keep choosing the familiar over and
over and over over freedom. And I know, frankly, I

(08:43):
do believe that if you're here, if you're listening to this,
is because maybe you need to. Maybe it's time. Many
times we go in the world and we don't notice
the patterns, and so the invitation is for you to
be open to what I'm going to share, So then
you give yourself permission to notice the patterns, and I

(09:06):
can give some examples for myself or my clients that
we've uncovered. When it comes to loyalty, it might give
you some hints on yourself. So loyalty can show up
in the following ways. Maybe when you think, well, I
just so my mom work all the time. So I
am one that works all the time. You know, I

(09:27):
feel like Latinas we tend to be like we are
just working bodies and we're great, and we pride ourselves
from being the working force, you know. And so loyalty
could be like how dare I rest when they didn't?
Another way, it could be literally calling the this is

(09:48):
not what we do in our family and our family
we don't talk about these things. And our family we
don't mention, we don't discuss those things. It could also
show up in just beliefs this is how I am.
And I hear this a ton when I work with
with people one on one, when they're like, you know this,
this is what I've always done, This is just how

(10:09):
I am. Okay. Another way is when you say when
it's very subconscious, so this one is not something that
I hear people ourly say, But when we actually give
ourselves permission to go inWORD and ask yourself, it's this,

(10:29):
which is, I can't outshine I can't outshine my parents.
I can't outshine my mom, my dad, whoever raised me.
I can't outgrow them or out to earn them. I
can't make more money than they ever did because they
worked so hard. How could I? How could I make

(10:51):
more money than they did? So that's another way that
loyalty shows up, and a big one. Oh this is
so big. If I grow, well, I still belong. I
had that one. So this one is it's a loyalty
to even the community, to the stereotype of who we

(11:15):
are and how we show up in the world. Maybe
this is a moment for you to pause for a
second and really I invite you to give yourself permission
to reflect on this, because sometimes we're not just being
loyal to specific people. We're being loyal to patterns. We're
being loyal to pain, We're being loyal to silence, We're
being loyal to the models that we may have seen,

(11:38):
whether it's through biology or even just witnessing, just modeling.
So what do we do? So maybe you've noticed a
pattern and you're like, all right, I'm ready, Pam, let's go.
Let's so, I'm going to give you a self coaching process,

(12:01):
two self coaching frameworks that can help you. Because I
truly this is my service to you. This is a
free podcast for you to do the work that you
need to do. And of course, if there's additional work
that you may want to do, then we can we
can explore those ways. But I want to make sure
I give you enough for you to take this information

(12:22):
and then move it along, move yourself through without activating
you too much. Because we also want to be conscious
and aware that when our bodies have experienced trauma, we
don't want to traumatize ourselves, so we want to be
careful there. First, this is a simple coaching process that
will help you examine where you might be acting when

(12:45):
it comes to your loyalty versus liberation. So five steps
Number one pause, name the pattern. So this is where
the question to ask yourself is what keeps happening? What
do I keep doing? Maybe? And frankly, this is a
lot of retrospection. So self coaching involves some work, and

(13:09):
so what keeps happening could be that you keep undercharging
what keeps happening. Could be that maybe and I, like
all of the stories of my clients that I've worked through,
this keep coming in. So maybe you stay quiet in meetings,
or maybe you victimize yourself. What is the pattern that
keeps repeating? Number two we trace where? Ask yourself, where

(13:31):
did I learn this? Was this a model that I learned?
Was it a thought? Was it a feeling? Is it
a feeling that drives me to do this? So? Number
three we name the loyalty. Who am I trying to
protect or honor by doing this? Sometimes is yourself. Sometimes
it could be our name, you know, the family name,

(13:52):
could be many things. Number four you check for truth.
Is this still true for me? Now? Is this still
true for me? Now? It could be that at some
point it was, and you're ready to shed that, You're
ready to release it. It may not be true for
you any longer. The body might be wanting to go
back to familiarity. If this is not true for me,

(14:15):
it's not true for me anymore. And number five we
choose again what would feel like freedom and liberation instead
of loyalty? Ask yourself, tune in and see what happens.
The next framework that I'm going to give you is
a tool I teach inside gather circle and I've shared it.
I pen in your pocket. This is called the Fuego method,

(14:37):
and the Fogo method helps you notice patterns and it's
another self coaching tool. It's really easy. It spells fuego
F for feel you notice the sensation or the emotion
you for uncover what's the story or loyalty that might
be underneath this. E for express say that loud, write it,

(14:58):
tap on it, scream it on a express it. Give
your body permission to express it. G for grace, Give
grace because compassion is our bridge. Oh for open to
new action. This is where you give yourself one percent.
What's one liberating microaction? You can take one percent microaction

(15:21):
could look like this is the example. So maybe you
feel guilt for setting a boundary. So the feeling I'm
feeling my chest tight. We uncover what's the story or
loyalty that might be underneath this. Well, the story might
be that I'm betraying my mom's values because I'm setting
a boundary. She was always so giving, she was always

(15:43):
so so like people pleasing in a way, So I
feel like I'm betraying my mom. By setting a boundary
or wanting to set a boundary, express I would talk
about it. Give grace. This is where you remind yourself
this boundary honors me and honors them. So give yourself

(16:07):
grace to say we've gone through this, We've lived through this,
and it's an honor to be able to work through
it and open to a new action. This is when
you love only hold your boundary, you give yourself love
and you say, you know, we set this boundary done.
I want to give you some journaling prompts as well,

(16:28):
So for those of you who like to write and journal,
five questions to ask yourself, whose story are you still caring?
Where do I feel fear around changing? So this brings
your protector? How am I being protected around it? What
does being loyal mean to me? Who taught me that

(16:48):
healing was betrayal? I love that question? And what version
of me am I afraid to outgrow and be honest?
Nobody's going to read your answers. This is something that
you give to yourself and that's it. If you are
interested in tapping, you can do, I'll give you a
quick one that you can do. You can literally tap

(17:09):
on the side of the hand. Even though part of
me feels scared to let go of this pattern, I
honor my body, my lineage, and my desire to heal.
And you can repeat that throughout through all the points
if you want to hear a full sequence along with
this episode, I'm going to share a bonus episode for
the Supporters Club. So five dollars a month. This is

(17:32):
a way to support us, and you get access to
a full sequence in this case, plus additional episodes that
I've uploaded already, bonus for being here in supporting our work.
So remember, you're not a traitor for choosing peace. You're
not ungrateful for wanting more. You're not abandoning your family.

(17:53):
You are becoming the ancestor they prayed for. Loyalty without
discernment becomes a leash, wh Loyalty with love becomes lineage leadership. Yes,
I know loyalty is beautiful, but not when it costs
you your joy, your peace, your inner groundedness. So let's

(18:18):
be loyal to our growth, to our innernnia, to our future,
to becoming lineage leaders. Sometimes we think we're being loyal
to our family, to our ancestors, to our old selves,
but or really, what's happening is that's keeping us stuck.
When we repeat patterns like burnout, people pleasing, shrinking, This

(18:41):
is our brain saying this is safe and this is familiar,
and we want to remind ourselves familiar isn't always freedom.
Loyalty doesn't mean we have to carry the pain. It
means we honor, we transmute it, and we move forward differently.
So one last question to ask yourself, what story am
I going to be loyal to and what would I

(19:03):
change if I choose to be loyal to my healed
self instead? Because you're not betraying your silence, you're liberating
it true loyalty. It's not repeating their pain, it's transforming
it into power. Thank you so so much for being here.
I can't wait to see you next time you sefakompamis

(19:25):
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