Army of One vs Moonstruck

Inside of all of us are two woofs: one is a Sasso, one is a Scheer. Which are you? This week on Podcast Court we have folk hero Gary Faulkner up against Ronnie Cammareri who really just wants a well done steak and a big knife. We are joined by long time guest, Eric and our friend Lauren Freman. Join us for consensual mind-freaking and the best chicken wings in the got-dang world. This is Cage Match.

Intro music by: Bill Panks

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
What you are listening to is real. The participants are not actors. They are real people with a case pending in Podcast Court.

(00:10):
Hello, I'm Producer Peter and welcome to Cage Match, a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas Cage, Podcast Court.
This is the tragic case of a man on a mission to capture Osama Bin Laden and another who lost both his hand and his wife.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

(00:44):
Okay, so let's see your wife left town, you jumped off your roof into the pool, you caught COVID. And now you're on our Nicolas Cage podcast. Am I right on this timeline?
That's the long and short of it. Yep.
Oh, I'm all about the short of it.
What are you drinking?
Jolly Rogers, Jolly Rogers Pilsner. It's a it's an American beer.

(01:08):
Which is important right here in Seattle. Is that correct?
Is that where we are?
Which is a which is America.
Yeah, we finally doxed ourselves. It's living in Seattle.
Yeah, when I moved to Portland, don't tell anyone. Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Also cut that part out about moving to Portland.
When I moved to also cut out that last part where I said it when I went to.

(01:31):
There you go.
Great. Thank you.
Yes. That was Eric fucking up the audio. I was ready to blame him.
But no, it was his computer.
This computer was made in China.
If it was made in America, I think it would have.
We wouldn't have been we wouldn't have been we wouldn't have been having this issue.
Ah, I don't want to tell you how to do your podcast,

(01:57):
but if you do your podcast on a computer made in China,
you're going to get weird Chinese voices, not good old fashioned
American voices like we have here on Cage Match.
I have what I watch some some like, you know, real life interviews with with Big G.

(02:18):
Oh, with Gary? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
He doesn't have that. He doesn't have that voice.
No, not as pronounced.
He has a voice.
It's less annoying than my voice and it's less pronounced than Cage's voice.
I just I just didn't understand why this why the strong voice was in there.

(02:39):
I think you nailed it right there. It's a strong voice. Strong American voice.
It's the voice of the people.
They showed clips of them even after the movie.
And it's just like, oh, he doesn't sound like that.
Like, no, they immediately.
I know it's kind of weird that they did that immediately afterwards,
where it's like I got so used to hearing Gary voice.
And then it was like, oh, that's what he sounds like.

(03:00):
Like a dude. OK.
Now, that is what he sounds like after mainstream media has had their way with him.
Good point. But if you listen to Gary just talking about Gary things,
Gary's probably giving you the full on voice.
Is it just hard when I get excited and immediately kind of slip into a little Garyism?

(03:23):
Yeah, a little bit.
It's hard for me to. Yeah, I love it.
You embody Cage's Gary pretty pretty well there.
I think Cage's Gary embodies me pretty well.
I think Nick's seen by the mainstream media when this movie came out.
I refuse to let this movie die because I need it.

(03:45):
It validates me.
I absolutely ask Peter like how it's made it this far into the.
What did it win against in round two to get it around three?
It's a great question.
Originally adaptation, which is.
Beat adaptation the first to go around.
But you've come around.
I still think it's wrong, but I love it.

(04:06):
Or has not come around to that.
Most things I love are incorrect, so. Yeah.
Oh, it could happen to you.
Yeah, it could happen to you.
Which I mean, that's that's fine.
It's been a deserved win every time.
It's been a win every time and it deserved wind once.
It's a win in my heart.
When's a win? Yep.
Just like a whole.

(04:28):
You say what is going against Moonstruck tonight?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. What are your thoughts on Moonstruck?
Do you want to dunk on Moonstruck at all?
A little shade. Yeah.
We won't tell your wife.
There's no discussion which movie is more American.
We could start right there.
And if we're just. Yeah, true.
The Italians are not people.

(04:49):
We're already starting off.
That is established canon on this podcast. Yes.
OK, we do have to take that into account.
And we will. Later.
Nice. And you are.
Are you looking at me? I'm Eric.
Sorry, I'm remote. Yeah.
Eric, you are in our three timers club now.
Whoo. Yeah.

(05:11):
Big, big fucking dog over here.
That's some Gary energy.
You got that three timer faster than a lot of our more preferred guests.
That's that's nice.
Well, I'm often available in a pinch.
It's good when you've got covid and your family is out of town

(05:32):
because we can just lock you down.
It's like, what the fuck else are you going to do?
It's perfect.
When when for you guys?
Ah, well, that's debatable, but we'll get through tonight.
So, Eric, you had never seen Army of one yet.
You love it, correct?
Oh, yeah. Introduced introduced to it.
In round one of the podcast here.

(05:56):
I mean, a character like this deserves
to be explored.
He's a guy that that you would be.
You'd be so fucking upset if he sat next to you at the bar.
He would start talking and he would never stop.
And no, some people like that.

(06:17):
I know that Nick would enjoy that and he would egg.
He would egg that on.
He would ask goading questions.
And you have a lot of Gary's in your life, I'm guessing.
Yeah, probably. I. Does that make me a Will Sasso?
Kind of. Or am I a Paul Scheer?
It's a sass. Oh shit.
You're a sass. Oh, yeah.
So am I the sheer or are you sheer?

(06:41):
I'm not a Gary. I'm a sheer.
Oh, I found myself identifying with Gary.
I think that we could all there's a little bit of Gary in all of us.
Can I be can I be the mute the mute girl?
Yes. She was still OK with everything that was going on, too.
I mean, she is very pro Gary camp.
Yeah. I mean, he brings her like rocks and shit.

(07:03):
Now he brings her nice shit.
He brings his girlfriend rocks and shit.
Yeah, that's really weird.
I think that the trinkets are I mean, they do the job.
I mean, they work.
He gives him the trinkets and it's like, OK, cool.
You were in Pakistan for a month.
Like no big deal. Real rocks. Yeah.
Like my wife puts up with some shit, I guess.

(07:24):
But like Gary, he really takes it to the next level.
Like if I just fucking bounced to Pakistan for a month, like, well,
neglecting serious medical treatment like.
There would be one fight, at least there would be one.
We'd have one bad fight.
All right.
So.

(07:47):
I don't know why that got me.
Why don't you why don't you give us the long and short of this real quick?
Let's get your synopsis on the film.
Yeah, just like a quick paragraph ish.
I mean, how many times did Gary just say it right himself?

(08:10):
I was just like, Gary was pulled by God
that he needs to get to Pakistan to to hunt down and killed
bring Osama bin Laden to justice because America's just kind of been
dicking around and and he thinks that got to bring him back alive
for justice and stuff for justice and stuff.
At the very least, he said he'd put a pistol in front of him

(08:34):
and Gary and they'd pick it up and dry and it'd be fair.
So yeah.
So it's not just yeah, it's not just like complete complete business.
It's like a complete complete vigilante.
But I mean, hats off to him.
He makes it he makes it to Pakistan, at least he doesn't do much work.
He's got ideas on weird ideas on how to get there.

(08:56):
I think hang gliding from Israel.
That was a voting voting.
Every time the hang gliding from Israel thing comes up, like every rotation of this,
I have to go back to Google Maps and be like, wait a minute.
I'm like, no, I'm going to go to the next country away.
Right. And then you look at it and it's like, no, they're fucking like seven

(09:19):
countries apart.
So fucking good.
It's like, hey, I'm going to hang glide from essentially like
east, central, northern Africa.
That's a place to central northern wild ass almost India.
It's like, how about you've done this down for us Americans
or long way? Oh, I get it.

(09:42):
You Google long way.
Like you want it in hot dogs.
Yes. A lot of hot dogs like Joey chestnut level.
Oh, yeah. I mean, are any of his actual or any of the attempts?
I mean, we know that he actually went to Pakistan or any of the hang gliding or

(10:04):
any of the attempts actually like real or is that just like ideas that they
fictionalized to believe they are in my heart?
Yeah, I refuse to burst the bubble in my mind.
Gary is the perfect failure.
He did all of the things.
It would have been great if he actually magoo'd this and like pulled it off.
Oh, my God. The Las Vegas scene.

(10:25):
I thought he was going to I thought he was going to walk out of their millionaire
and really finance the trip.
Oh, man. I know we're not talking about like a synopsis.
We're just going into it.
But I love that Las Vegas scene where he's just like
convinced that the Colombians or the cartels are trying to kill him.

(10:46):
They're like, we're just from Tijuana.
We're here from the Tequila Festival.
Oh, that's even better.
They're having like this fight, this discussion back and forth.
Gary's speaking English.
They're speaking Spanish and they're just and they all understand each other.
It's terrific.
Loved it.
With the guy with the fucking slitty shades like runs off and grabs like a close.

(11:11):
Yeah, like just starts beating Gary with a room sever.
I love how Gary's delusions don't even line up with each other.
Like he has a he has a delusion about watching MTV's Cribs, Osama bin Laden edition.
And then when he like imagines the fight they had later, he's like, where's your cool house?
Yeah. Where's your cool cooler cave with the pictures of the terrorists?

(11:34):
I did love this is Osama Osama the third because Osama Junior Junior Junior is stupid.
Oh, man. Yeah.
OK. My feeling on this movie is really weird in that like it is not a good movie.
No, it is really fun and really fucking stupid.

(11:56):
And what what kind of blew my mind the other night was that like this is one of the better
embodiments of a character that Nick Cage has ever done.
He doesn't feel like Nick Cage.
You can watch that movie and not know it's him and kind of be like, oh, that was Nick Cage.
Shit. Fuck. That's cool.
You know, you watch most other things and you're like, oh, there he is.

(12:18):
You know, there's his character persona, whatever.
But I don't know if it's Gary voice.
I don't know if it's the beard and ponytail.
I don't know if it's just that he got into some character level that he hadn't hit in a while.
But it is a really good performance, which is a weird thing to say.
There's a weird physical aspect to it because, yeah, he doesn't really look like Nick Cage in this film.

(12:41):
I think the only other movies we could really come to where it's just like, where do we see that level of performance
where you kind of lose the cage is this long legs and pig.
Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah.
I think they're like you hit on it with the physicality. There's also just like something about everything he does that screams middle aged man who didn't stretch this morning.

(13:02):
And you mean us? Yeah. Yeah. I feel this.
I mean, I stretch every day, but that's brag. Yeah. Humble brag.
No, not if you woke up like I wake up. How do you wake up?
Yeah. Yeah, it's not a bad beginning, but yeah.
It's just half a block.
Throwing up glass here is a tough one, as opposed to someone we had to go like,일a, the original.

(13:23):
That would be a pain in the even cry.
I don't know.
Nothing is much worse to come out of it.
It's kind of rough.
But, yeah, he's got such a.
Such an incredible.
Package that he brings into this, like just the character, the voice, the physicality.
could be argued.

(13:44):
No, nobody was asking for this movie, like except for like Gary and his buddies.
Like it's probably big in Colorado and pride.
Bro, rural Oregon.
I think that this movie opened up a world for me.
And that world is Nicholas Cage's Gary.
But do you think Gary shows this movie to people like he was on a date?

(14:06):
Yes, absolutely.
A fucking movie was made about you.
I don't care if they like got it right.
Like and Nicholas Cage Academy Award winner,
Nicholas Cage, portraying you.
Well, I got was a John yesterday where like
he was reading the back of one of the boxes and said, like Academy Award winner.

(14:27):
Huh? Like he has it.
They don't take him away. Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Would you say it's not like the MTV video?
Exactly. They take that shit away.
Oh, I'm with Peter.
By all accounts, this is a bad movie.
Like none of the other characters are developed.
The story is just totally random.

(14:48):
But I think that the movie
plays like a story that Gary is telling you.
So it's just as dysfunctional
as as what a dialogue from from Gary
pretty much is. This guy's fun.
He's he's he's a wild card. We love him.
I didn't think about that, but there are only like two scenes in this film

(15:10):
where there's dialogue that doesn't that Gary isn't in the scene.
And that's the FBI agents or CIA agents, whatever they are, the government agents.
And yeah, the way they talk is very not naturalistic.
And the way they talk about Gary is very like not naturalistic.
I love rain rain.

(15:30):
I love him wanting to be like like a Dutch expat.
Dutch James Bond living in Pakistan or whatever.
I love that whole narrative of him
continuously trying to go undercover in Pakistan.
And then his director just be like, why are you doing this?

(15:50):
His his director's favorite Bond was George Lazenbe.
Yeah, because they go through every other one.
Oh, or Pierce Brosnan.
Those are the two that don't get named name dropped.
If it was Brosnan, you would at least say it.
The way he got into that role, like lied about being an actor
and just he was an underwear model.
See anywhere I fucking wacky.
So you got this podcast gig

(16:12):
under a light about being an underwear model.
You're like, get on the show.
And here I am free balling.
Ah, just loose all the time.
It's the American way, man.
I'm wearing some pretty flowy pants and don't have any underwear on under these.
Nice. Congratulations.
Yeah, I love the the mental image.

(16:33):
All right.
So what was your favorite part about this movie, Eric?
I mean, the favorite part was was Gary.
I mean, the whole movie was Nick Cage and his Gary character.
As I said, the rest of the rest of the movie just doesn't.
I don't know. They don't really work on it.
Except for the extras. Holy smokes.
They spent a lot of money on extras.
But no, it was that it was the patriotism was my favorite part of the movie.

(16:57):
Gary is just my kind of patriot.
You know, he goes up over there.
He talks up America, but he's not a dick to everyone.
He makes a lot of friends.
He's very generous to the Pakistani people in the interviews that I listen to.
He calls them packies, which I don't think sounds good at all.

(17:17):
I don't know if that's what they call themselves, but
he is so charismatic.
I want to hug him.
He reminds me so much of this journeyman I used to work with from.
Here we go.
Colorado, who I refer to as Boat Trip.
But I mean, they look the same.
They don't sound the same,

(17:38):
but they kind of hold the same opinions on a few things.
And they are oversharers.
And I love that about both of them.
I just the scene where Gary's on the plane going to Pakistan
and just talking to that guy next to him, who probably doesn't understand a word.
He's saying, but just, oh, my God, to have to be on a fucking international
flight next to that.
Can you imagine 16 hours with him in a middle seat?

(18:04):
I mean, we have hundreds of hours of you in the middle seat of this podcast.
So, oh, I'm middle seat.
Yeah, middle seat.
Big middle seat energy.
Yeah, it's got a man spread.
Uh huh. That's all that big dick.
Big Nick. Uh huh. Uh huh.
Big dick.
Stop saying dick.
You guys started this.

(18:25):
You specifically.
So this was your first time watching it.
What was your but not your last.
What was your no never like once you open
the army of one can you are full of worms for life?
I think I've watched it one one and two thirds times now.

(18:45):
Oh, that is so good.
I'm glad you came back for a second.
Two thirds. So that's the best two thirds.
What were there any like surprises in the film
that really like took you places for a turn?
What was your first like mental turn?
Oh, I mean, good Lord.
For me, it was just a couple things.

(19:06):
Number one was Dr.
Loaning Gary, a thousand dollars.
That's a dangerous can of worms to open.
Crazy people, crazy patients start asking you for cash and you're like, ah.
Also, I'd like a reference to that doctor.
Gary is awesome.
He's looking at his paper.
Gary, I can't believe you're alive.
This is crazy. Yeah.
Well, he did come into that conversation being like, your blood's looking good.

(19:30):
You're living hard when nobody thought you would.
And then it's like, OK, well, I guess
I guess you're a reliable investment.
That makes sense.
And still on the on the kidneys thing,
the fact that he kept on going to fucking Pakistan without
ignoring his dialysis was just I don't know.

(19:51):
It really made me believe in him.
He said the Lord takes care of his soldiers.
And I was like, that's the only way you could do it was with some kind
of divine intervention.
And I think God would only help out in America in that situation.
You know. Well, God loves America.
I think so. God's a British influencer.

(20:12):
Total fucker. Yeah.
Do we how many times do I have to say allegedly in this next part?
Let's just do a blanket one.
Allegedly, Russell Brand's in this movie who is
going through some shit. Yeah.
I mean, we can't.
Britain's own Joe Rogan, the UK's own Joe Rogan. Yeah.

(20:34):
I would love to see them fight.
Russell Brand verse.
Rogan.
I would think that Russell Brand would pull out some close up magic.
And I know that's not on his thing.
That's not his brand.
But his Russell Brand.
Hey, but he's like the Chris Angel of like my like
British comedian actors.

(20:57):
Well, it's because I refuse to look at people's faces and remember who they are.
So he's British Chris Angel.
I could I could. Yeah.
Confuse him with a with a mind freak mind to free.
That's not all.
Allegedly, my mind was allegedly freaked.

(21:18):
I did not consent to this mind freaking.
I still I know. OK, I know I had to be talked in this movie the first time.
And I enjoyed it the first time.
It's so much fun.
It's so dumb.
And it really lucked out being the second episode,
because I think we would have gotten through a couple of rounds of this

(21:39):
and known what we were doing adaptation would have probably gone through.
I would have had a harder time.
Making a case.
Convincing you guys to abandon all reason.
I just have better foresight.
Prefer this to.
It could happen to you.
It could happen to you, too.
Like Nick Cage's comedy output isn't there isn't a lot of like

(22:01):
really good comedy in his.
But his film repertoire. Yeah.
Like he's done comedies, but there isn't like any outside of.
Oh, you're not dogging on trapped in paradise, are you?
I wasn't going to.
Bill Furpo.
But outside of like raising Arizona, there's not any really like

(22:23):
high jinx laden comedies.
I think that's less of a fault of Nicholas Cage than Nicholas Cage.
I'm not saying Nicholas.
Manager. Yeah, I'm not saying Nicholas Cage is at fault.
I'm just saying, like in terms of like how we broken this down.
I yeah, I do want some more like wild Nicholas Cage romps before he dies.
That's imminent.

(22:45):
I mean, we're going to get to see him as John Madden here in a couple of years.
Yeah, which.
That's real.
Yeah, let's pull off for a second.
Allegedly, this is and I don't have all the details.
A film about the video game.
Nice.
So it's just about the Madden in video game series.

(23:05):
Going to play the video game version of John Madden.
Yes.
Plays the.
Is this like a wrecking ball situation?
I sure hope so.
Oh, my God.
Like he's just trapped in a video game and he has to.
Oh, and Bo Jackson's out there fucking running down.
It's a different game.
You can't stop Bo.
You can't stop Bo.

(23:26):
That's impossible, man.
Oh, my God.
You just got to like, I mean, Joe Madden could probably jump on the boat
train and ride it all the way through the stadium.
I just cannot wait for a Nicolas Cage
with a Raiders logo on him.
You're going to love it.
It's going to be my entire life.
I'm going to get that tattoo.
That's a tattoo.
Nicolas Cage as Joe.

(23:48):
John.
Yeah, I know.
Fuck.
You keep on saying Joe Madden.
You're such a fan.
Yeah. Yeah, John Madden.
Shut up, Eric.
You've got covid.
I know. I know.
And let's do a quick round robin on a favorite scene from the entire movie.
So, Eric, you go first.

(24:08):
What was your favorite piece of this movie?
Man, it's really hard to get away from the
chicken wings at the beginning really sets the tone.
But I think it's really when he's at the diner
discussing who is going to play him.
And it's Nick Cage getting to talk about like, hmm,
aren't I like Nick Cage from Conair, huh?

(24:30):
And it was just.
It was too meta for me, but it was it was so much that I
it was so over the top that I that I was OK with it.
Good pick.
I'm still a fan of, you know, Pygmies made that toilet.
Home Depot scene is so good.
Pretty good.
It's just like one liner after one liner.
Take small ships.

(24:51):
Let's give credit where credit's due.
That's a Lowe's.
Everything is blue.
OK.
Lowe sucks.
I know.
God, Lowe's is the worst.
But yeah, Pygmies shits.
I love a home improvement store.
I love I love God.
I kind of love hang glider scene.

(25:12):
Yeah.
Not like when he's purchasing it.
That's great.
But when he's talking to the kids and they're just like,
we don't speak English and he's like, move away.
And they're like, you're an idiot.
And then he takes his janky ass hang glider
and just runs off the side and immediately just crashes.
It's like you fucking cuts up the hang glider into pieces.

(25:36):
And there's so much tape on it when he goes to fly.
It's just how dumb is this, Gary?
I also love enough.
I love this.
I love when he thinks that boats that is a parking spot.
Yeah. Boat cop scene is maybe my favorite part.
I was going to say that as well.
It's terrific.
It's so good.

(25:56):
He comes in with undisclosed broken arm.
Do you know how to sail?
No, that's how I broke my arm.
I just wait on the boat.
Record of them.
I still hear 10 days later and then just then camera goes over the side
and you just hear him just yelling and then he wakes up on a beach in.

(26:17):
But he does admit like not that much longer
or not that much later in the film that he can't swim, which is
which is cool that he thought of sailboat sailboat was his first choice.
I'll just eat the muscles.
I'll just do the muscles off the bottom.
To be fair, many sailors
of the olden times.

(26:37):
I mean, why bother learning how to swim?
They're going to die.
Where are you going to go?
Yeah. You fall out.
Yeah, just fucking die.
I did love his reason that like, you know, the people who invented boats
lived a long time ago and were smarter than those people.
So I'll be fine. Yeah.
I'm a 21st century man.
Man. Man.

(26:59):
What are your favorite chicken wings?
Oh, usually classic.
I'm dipping them in blue cheese dressing, usually.
But but I'll go anywhere.
I'll even do a bonus.
OK, so you're a big nuggets fan.
You're a slut.
So, oh, OK, here's a good question.
Easily pull pulling off of that.

(27:21):
Favorite chicken wing joint in the greater area.
This is for our core audience, the Seattleites.
Honestly, I've I've really.
It's going to be Billard Huang's fish sauce wings.
They get me every time.
Good wing. It's a really good wing.
Good choice. I don't think I've had those wings.
Oh, they're good. Yeah.

(27:41):
But those wings. Check it out. Yeah.
OK, so, Eric, give us give us your like last pitch on this movie.
What's your closing argument in the case of Army of War?
Why should this go forward?
Well, as I was saying before, this is definitely the most American movie

(28:01):
out of your two choices by far.
And I think that in times like this,
we just need to stay together as a country.
And I think Gary is the guy that's going to help us do that.
Patriotism. Yeah, I think that's the main main reason.
I think that we should choose it for America.
If you could go back in time, would you elect Gary

(28:24):
to Team America, World Police?
I would say that Gary is already.
I mean, he's a real life.
He's like the Phoenix Jones.
He's like the real life team America.
Yeah, he was so much better than Phoenix Jones because he wasn't selling crack.
Traveling Phoenix Jones.
Yeah. Phoenix Jones.

(28:44):
Allegedly, I'm in for justice.
Phoenix Jones kicked my ass.
I'm just going to throw allegedly in there.
That's because he wore a body suit.
I bet they goose him up.
Still kick my ass.
Especially if he brings the bearish prey.
Well, yeah, that's a guaranteed winner.
That's how he won the most of those fights.

(29:05):
Start fighting him with a ski mask.
Wait, that doesn't protect the good stuffs.
We got to get out of this one.
No, how do I beat Phoenix Jones?
I almost said Phoenix, right?
All you all you got to do is just not buy crack
and he'll go to jail.
Yeah. And you'll stay out of jail.

(29:25):
All right.
Although I think it was speed. Speed.
I think he sold club drugs.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Yeah, I think it was just like probably ecstasy.
Yeah. OK.
Sorry for accusing you of stealing, allegedly accusing.
He didn't want people to get DUI's.
So I think he was just trying to help him get home safe.
Well, a little speed on your way home.

(29:47):
Selling them a drug that keeps them high for six plus hours
is not a way to get people home from the club.
OK, that's how you stretch your needle.
Needle pick me up. That's why you got arrested.
That's how you fight inflation and rising cost of living.
Do long term drugs.
Got to do this long lasting drugs.

(30:09):
What do you think of just Nick Cage's overall performance?
Oh, it's fucking insane.
He is so committed to Gary.
I am so curious how much.
Do you think he actually spent any time with Gary?
No, no, no, I don't think so either.
I think that he just kind of like took the story and was like,

(30:32):
I'm creating my own Gary character to a point, you know.
Character.
Do you think we could crowd fund?
An unauthorized sequel.
Like, what would Gary be taking on now?
I pray cameo. We could probably get a Gary cameo.
He's taking on Tick Tock.

(30:52):
OK, that's less of a feature film.
What is Gary taking on?
Is he going to fix the Ukrainian problem? Is he
is he going back to Israel?
Israel seems like a real hot spot right now.
It's not like that. And glide into Pakistan.
I think he's going to solve the chicken wing crisis.
Oh, OK. Yeah.

(31:13):
Yeah. Gary's next adventure should be close.
Gary's hot wings.
Gary's going to solve the chicken wing crisis being that
courts have alleged that if you buy boneless wings, you have to expect bones.
Yes. Did you not see that case?
No. You said no.
Yeah. Somebody ate some boneless wings.

(31:33):
There was a bone fragment in it and they were in some way
personal injury lawyer. Sure.
Allegedly injured by such.
No, that's American.
And courts have decided that if you get boneless wings,
you have to just grin and bear that.
Assume that there may be a bone.
Yeah. Yeah. It's made from a slurry.

(31:55):
Yeah. I like a slurry.
A slurry can be pushed through a sieve.
A bone cannot.
I've tried.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you, Eric.
Good. Good night, guys.
Thanks for having me.
I hope you all stay healthy.
Do you want to do you want to plug anything while you're here?

(32:16):
Yeah, I'm going to be playing on Fridays and Saturdays at the.
Good night, guys.
I love it. Thank you, sir.
My. Yeah, that's probably for the.
Bounce. Let's see.

(32:38):
Oh, that was the sound of a can opening.
Oh, we're used to that.
Yeah, I have.
I can I can identify that in a waveform.
That's actually a really good skill.
It's all right.
Look at this waveform and what happened right there at 39 seconds.
I believe that was a I think that was a tall, a tall boy rainier.

(33:02):
Actually, you can get the exact.
Oh, that frequency.
Mm hmm. That's a fine vintage.
Almost almost out.
It's like right on the edge.
Maybe was outside for a little bit in a cooler.
I don't know.
Oh, I would call that a 54 degree
PBR with the into the line.

(33:26):
Peter, that's the auto audio.
And he's like, Oh, I'm sorry.
You got you got a short pour in that can.
That's yeah.
No, that was all air.
That one just bubbles.
Enjoy all those burps and hiccups later. Sucker.
So I don't know if you.
Have ever listened to us and it's OK.

(33:48):
Never once.
No, just going to listen to some episodes in preparation.
And also when when Peter told me about starting a podcast
that was about Nicholas Cage movies.
Oh, OK, perfect.
Well, I was just going to say I'm Nick.
Hello, Nick.
And this is my cohost, Sean.
Sean, I'm Sean.
It's so gross.
It's like never mind.

(34:09):
And who are you?
The long pause.
Who the hell are you?
It's one upset.
What the fuck?
I'm. Oh, we can swear.
I didn't. Yeah.
Yeah, please.
This is an NPR.
I forgot. And this mic really had me.
NPR loves swears. Yeah.
Go on NPR and just say the craziest shit.
It'll be fine.
You know, they're tiny.

(34:30):
Oh, yeah, they had gore like they have to be.
You can't hear the fake blood through the through the audio format.
I don't know why you would have gore.
Yeah, it is actually very disappointing that they don't just put visqueen
down over the entire tiny desk.
You know, I would have.
Yeah.
You know, honestly, it's probably the lack of Dave Brocke.

(34:54):
If Dave was still around, things a little cleaner.
Oh, it was still around.
I feel like they wouldn't.
Well, they wouldn't have been invited on.
But they probably would have just discreetly trashed it.
Discreetly trash it.
That's classy. That's maturity.
You know, that's where you hide all the blood and semen pumps in.

(35:15):
Like nipple suits. Smart. Yeah.
I've been to libraries.
I don't know this.
God, I hope you guys know who gore is and what we're talking about.
People know I've been to the.
OK, all right.
Personally, the overlap, the Venn diagram of people who listen to this podcast
and know gore is a circle.
Fair point.

(35:36):
Goire show coming up this year.
Hey, nice.
Congratulations.
Fifth one this year, fifth one, fifth total total.
Yeah. Fifth one this year, fifth one comma this year.
Oh, man. No, if I was if I was just a gore groupie,
you guys would have known about it.
Is there a name for gore group?
I literally was going to have. Yeah, I was going to.

(35:56):
Gore piece.
You know.
Come along.
Yeah. Come along.
It's pretty good.
Gore goyals.
That's too cute. Never mind.
I rescind.
I rescind the gore goyals.
Bo Habs. Bo Habs.
We know when we have Eric on later, we talk about ICP

(36:18):
and the Juggalo community in Bellingham.
Oh, God.
In Juggalo community.
Yeah, I mean, that ties into Army of One.
I mean, gore doesn't tie into Moonstruck, doesn't it?
Gore doesn't get anything.
We're talking about Moonstruck today, folks.
Kick us off.
We already did.
As you surely guessed.

(36:40):
All right, Nick, take it again.
What do we what do we do here, Nick?
Oh, so on this podcast, we generally like
are we here for the Nicolas Cage one tonight?
Yes. OK, so tonight we're talking about Nicolas Cage.
Yeah, not gore tonight. Yeah. Wow.
On this podcast, we take this is not fucking an animal.
Oh, on this podcast, we take 64 Nick Cage movies,

(37:03):
Final Four Bracket style and
face them off against each other, pair them off.
There we go. Those are words.
That is leading the witness.
We'll eventually figure out what the ultimate Nick Cage film is.
Yeah. Based on metrics that change constantly.
Sometimes it's most cagey.
Sometimes it's most rewatchable.
Sometimes it's whatever.

(37:24):
Army of One. Sometimes whatever.
Sometimes it's just whatever.
Yeah. Or sometimes you are.
For whatever reason, it's always not whatever eight millimeter
goes up against, which shocking.
Well, eight millimeter keeps going up against lesser films. But
to address the point of what pisses me off, those are miscarriages of justice.

(37:45):
So and this is a court of law in podcast world.
Fuck, I'm a terrible judge.
I forgot my gavel.
Oh, man. How are you going to judge?
Have you reached out to Judge John Hodgman yet?
No, not yet.
Oh, any anything can be a gavel if you use your imagination.
Peter still has the audio from the last gavel, so I'll just say bang.
I do have a good gavel clip.

(38:07):
So whack. Yeah.
Whack, whack. Bang, bang, bang.
So we're joined here with a guest.
I'm Nick.
You're not the guest.
Fuck off. Fuck. Hi, Lauren.
Where? Oh, it's me.
You're the guest.
Oh, this is not an audition to take over my role.

(38:28):
Unless you like it.
Unless I like it.
This is not a.
Yeah, I prepared a 32 bar excerpt and he is he just follow my lead.
OK, somebody prepared today.
We're here.
I didn't even change shorts.
Since I.

(38:50):
Should have.
We're not here for your questions.
We're here for your answers.
Yeah.
Just not interviewers.
My bad, my bad, my bad.
Where is your 32 bar excerpt?
Huh? You do not want that from any of us.
And away and attack.
I'm not a 32 bar excerpt.
I'm just a single crescendo.

(39:11):
Oh, what sound can you give me a little
you bring up what that sound is?
We've been doing this for two years.
How have I never seen that?
Oh, about to.
What?

(39:34):
All right.
Otherwise, welcome to.
Cain's mess.
So I've been in one parade in my life.
Go on.
So in high school, we have I came from a pretty small town
and we had this thing called River Fest.
We were right along the Columbia River, and every year

(39:55):
they'd have the River Fest princesses and the Kiwanis Club would do things
and whatever doesn't matter.
There was a parade involved.
And so one year I was like, ah, like, you know what?
I bet there's no rules against this.
I'm not going to read into it.
I'm just going to apply.
So I applied to be a River Fest princess.
And the story went exactly where I wanted it to.
There is exactly no rules prohibiting men from being River Fest princesses.

(40:20):
As it should be.
Air, but you air, but you air, but yeah, I did.
I just put it all out there.
So was it was it real?
Was there a rule about dogs?
River princesses?
You know, we'll never know because they stopped after this year.
The year that I did it.

(40:41):
Well, I mean, I went all the way.
I did. I kind of participated in the canned food drive
and I kind of participated in the public service stuff,
but I definitely participated in the parade
where I got to sit in a 65 Bel Air and just wave like this.
And they gave me a crown to wear.
That was decidedly larger than all the women's crowns.

(41:03):
And it's like they didn't even want me there,
but they had to give me the bigger one because, you know, you're a giant head.
Yeah. Massive dome.
Yeah, it's my dome.
So I got to be in this parade.
And as the Riverside princess, the Kiwanis Club stiffed me
for my short, a very small scholarship they were supposed to give me,

(41:23):
which I can't really fault them for as I barely participated in the process.
I I pointed out the problem and the next year a bunch of other dudes applied
and they're like, we can't do this and shut it down.
They could just come up with a rule to stop that.
Nope. They're like, we.
Or they could have just said princes and princess.
Like you really could just say and really could.

(41:46):
I could have just added a conjunction.
So obviously, we're here today to talk about Moonstruck.
I said that earlier.
Obvious.
I'm here to talk about non sequiturs.
Yeah, it is a super moon tonight.
So congratulations, Bella Luna.

(42:07):
Bella Luna.
That's a hot fucking moon. That's Cosmo's moon.
That's Cosmo's moon.
Lauren, who are you?
Who? I mean, that's a big question.
My man.
I am a former Riverside princess.
And I'm here with the grudge

(42:28):
because you have besmirched the good name of our institution.
That's what I live for.
No, I'm just kidding.
Gosh, I I am a friend of Peter's,
but also an arts person, a theater person
and a big fan of talking bullshit about movies.

(42:49):
I think that's maybe the most relevant introduction
I could possibly give you.
OK, biggest live performance
doesn't have to be directly involved with you.
Ooh, ooh, la, la.
I'm going to come back with my own right afterwards.
And it's a doozy.
Well, there was an almost mishap,

(43:11):
which was that in one of the shows that that I wrote,
I had several layers of clothing.
One of them was supposed to be safety pin.
The other one was not.
Somehow someone safety pins both.
And I was I was there was basically like a quick change
that I was supposed to do.
But both things have been pinned together.
Move it on visual.

(43:32):
Both both items of clothing had been safety pinned together.
So for a brief moment, I very nearly had to go out on stage
with no shirt on and had no opportunity to come back.
There would have been no opportunity to come off stage
because the shirts were pinned together.
It is the closest I've come to like an actual heart attack

(43:53):
or a burlesque performance,
depending on how you look at it.
And you.
That's pretty fantastic.
I oh, God.
I was never much of an onstage guy.
So I did a lot of lighting design and whatnot
through college and afterwards.

(44:14):
But but I'm up at the lighting console
and I'm having an off mic conversation
or off headset conversation with my spot op.
And it gets into like an escalating kind of dare thing
because neither of us were really invested in the show
at this point. We'd seen it.
And so like I'm now sitting in the booth

(44:37):
like without pants on running the console.
And then that's just how you get comfortable.
I feel like you should put that in like a writer.
Yeah. So I accidentally kicked the power supply,
kicked the power supply out of the console.
And then all the lights in the house and everything went out

(44:57):
like mid mid show and like you had to run out.
I'm scrambling to like get my shit back on
the lights as I'm here.
Well, initially pants because I can hear the stairs
and I can hear people coming up to see what the fuck happened.

(45:17):
And I've got like my stage manager
completely oblivious to what I'm dealing with,
trying to like address this situation.
And then pretty soon, like the head of my department is up there
and he's like, I'm like, I mean, luckily it's dark in the booth too, right?

(45:38):
And I get my shit back together.
Your all pants are on in here. Don't worry, folks.
As we're fighting the power supply that got kicked out
and getting the show back in.
So long story short, ETC really needs to get their shit together
and put like.
Chastity locks on your pants.
No, no, pants.
It's theater pants are coming off.

(46:01):
They need to secure the power supply in the back of their consoles.
The power supply is that what you call it?
Yeah. Yeah.
You could just come over here and secure this power supply.
Perfect. OK.
So, Lauren, why don't you tell us about Moonstruck?
Yeah. Give us a quick run.
Oh, my God. Of the movie Moonstruck.
Yeah. Just pull up the Wikipedia page.
Just read. So, OK.

(46:24):
So Cher is
unyassified. She is noified.
She is she is made to look less cute than she currently is in 1987.
And she she is proposed to by a man old enough to be her father,

(46:44):
whose name is Johnny.
And he as soon as as soon as he proposes,
he leaves the country to go visit his ailing mother.
And then Cher has to go tell everyone in her family
and everyone in his family, they're going to get married next month,
because that's how long it takes.
That's proper wedding planning.

(47:05):
Yes, exactly.
Yeah, I mean,
and as she's talking to Johnny's family,
she meets Johnny's much, much, much, much younger brother,
Nicholas Cage, who I mean, of course, of course,
as as any sane person would do, Nicholas Cage of Cher hit it off

(47:28):
whilst this grandpa aged fiance is away.
And it is a film where every character thinks
that they're the main character of an opera.
And maybe they are.
Maybe that's what this film is.
Yeah, I know his name is Johnny and Ronnie.
I got it this time.

(47:49):
Dick ass.
Peter is writing down their names, Johnny and Ronnie for me,
because I was getting confused last time.
But which one's which, Sean?
Ooh, Ronnie said Nicholas Cage.
You got it. Yes.
Brilliant. Let's see.
Wait, is there a cute mnemonic we can give you in some in some

(48:09):
like how does how does Ronnie and prosthetic hand?
And how do we make that a nice little pun?
Ronnie Tremaine.
That will be confusing at all.
Now, Ronnie Tremaine, I'll remember that famous famous cripple.
Oh, wait. No. Oh.

(48:31):
Oh, that got that got you, Nick.
No, I laugh at your jokes. You know better.
No, I think everyone in this movie thinks they're the main character
in an opera sums it up really well. Absolutely.
And maybe that was what Shana was going for.
I think it's still wild that the amount of time between engagement
to sleeping with your fiance's brother is less than 24 hours.

(48:54):
Yeah. It is the next day. Yeah.
He's he's a yeah.
He's a wolf. He's got a wolf inside him.
Is this where the two wolves things come came from? Yes.
There are three wolves, two two wolves inside you.
One of them is Nicholas Cage.
One of them wants a well done steak and one.
Yes. And we'll not get it.

(49:17):
OK, so Sean, here's your tattoo.
Two of one of them with Nicholas Cage's face.
One of them is a straight up wolf.
The other one is a wolf with a cage face.
That's like an old manuscript.
One of them is John Travolta.
One of them is Nicholas Cage.
Two wolves. One is John Travolta and one is Nicholas Cage.

(49:38):
I refuse to get a Travolta tattoo.
Everyone's got a Travolta wolf in you.
Technically, underneath that face is a cage heart.
That's true.
I'll just get a face of John Travolta.
I'll get a tattoo of John Travolta and just tell everyone it's Nick Cage.
Perfect.
So, Lauren, had you seen this movie before?

(49:59):
Um, no, I hadn't.
So so the reason I was excited about it
is because so I just graduated from a program,
a musical theater writers program called BMI, Lame and Engel
musical theater writers, something, something workshop.
And so one of my colleagues in so in year two of this program,

(50:19):
they the assignment is to adapt a film.
And one of my colleagues chose to adapt Moonstruck.
And I was like, why does this film seem so perfect to be adapted to a musical?
And so it's perfect because it's such high camp.
Is there is there a my hands on?
My hand, my wife.

(50:39):
And I think I think it's because Shanley had opera in mind, like it's so full of
like references specifically to Bo M.
Like the soundtrack is half Bo M anyway.
And like core points in the plot, you know, revolve around going to see
like the date that Sharon and Nicholas Cage have to go see Bo M at the Met.

(51:00):
Like, I think that what they were going for was like,
let's pretend this is an opera, but nobody's saying because like, like
the definition of melodrama, right, is melodic drama.
Like that's the word like the etymology of that word.
Melodramatic is like.
If you call somebody melodramatic, you're calling them opera ish,
you know, which is like, of course, that's Nicholas Cage.

(51:22):
If if any actor is fucking by his own, by his own admission,
you know, he's not into the naturalistic.
I love your connection here with
just being like, oh, you know, it's it's an opera, but nobody's singing.
And now he's making movies where it's like, oh, no, it's it's a musical,

(51:46):
but we're not going to promote it as a musical.
It's like we need seats.
Yeah, no, we're going to we're going to do a wicked movie with no music.
Yeah, right. Those people are going to be so mad.
Yeah, it's like, oh, well, you should have.
You should just know if you want it to be a musical,
then you should just know it's a musical.
But if you don't want it to be a musical, then like, we're not going to tell you.

(52:07):
And you'll just have to find out.
Willy Wonka, Timothée Chalamet singing for some reason.
Oh, me girls, you should have known there was a musical note in the logo.
Yeah. Yeah.
But also just like a weird even though Mean Girls, the film
that wasn't a musical already exists, that's already there.

(52:28):
Yeah. That was my next thing.
Slapped. It's a good movie. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I hear that.
I hear the musical movie is not so much.
I don't know. I let just let musicals be musicals.
Thank you.
Good Lord. There's a market for it. It's fine.
So we've we've seen this movie now at a bare minimum of three times.

(52:52):
So I'm kind of curious to see what Nick and Sean have to say about watching it
again and again and again by comparison.
Yeah. Kind of fresh.
But in a lens of seeing the opera version of it from Lauren.
This movie's great. I love it.
Yeah. It's just so no scene makes any sense.

(53:14):
Like when Johnny is proposing and he's getting heckled
by everyone in the restaurant, that's a nice suit.
He's ruining his suit.
Oh, I wouldn't get on the floor in his suit.
Oh, he kneels down and Bobo's like,
oh, he's got a wrinkle in his suit or whatever.
Oh, man. Incredible.

(53:35):
Also, how best Bobo?
I think this is the best Bobo.
You think so? I have all the Bobos.
Retirement Plan Bobo is really good, but that's because Ron Perlman.
Yeah. Talking about Iago and.
And he's just so like nonplussed about things.
And he's I think retirement plan Bobo is better.
Bobo.

(53:57):
We're a Bobo podcast now.
Yeah. It's a pro Bobo.
Pro bono. Pro Bobo.
And you do it for free. So it is pro bono.
Come back for you.
Go back for, I guess, retirement plan again.
Yeah. The monkey.
No, that's a bonobo.
Wasn't the monkey on the Simpsons Bobo?
But it is it is it is it is it's pro bono, pro Bobo.

(54:22):
But it's not on Bono.
Is it the pro bono, pro bono, pro Bobo?
No, this is all Bobo. No bono.
Oh, pro bono. No, no, no.
Fuck. I had it.
So close. It's rough.
It's a rough.
That's what she said.
Well, God, we're shock jocks now.

(54:42):
And Peter's the one who gets noise cancels.
He's really trying to get my weekends back.
Yeah, I get it.
It's Monday.
We've been doing this for two and a half years.
It's far deep. We're deep in.
I got to call my boss.
Just know everybody.
I call my mom.
Because like the next scene, she drops off at the airport

(55:05):
and then the old woman puts a curse on the plane.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I like that.
And then tells her about it.
Yeah, like, oh, yeah, you saw you.
You know someone on that plane.
I did curse it. So sorry.
Final destination for.
Yeah, like nobody.
Yeah, for it came out like 20 years.
But yeah, yeah.

(55:25):
You know, I make this joke, but then the star,
the star is prequels exist.
True enough. Yeah.
Yeah. Final destination origins.
Every part of this movie is just so unhinged and makes no sense
and should be bad.
And it's great.
I love this film so much.
Yeah. This this film is a great ensemble film.
It it succeeds in every scene.

(55:48):
It like it doesn't have to have Nicolas Cage.
It's Cher is terrific.
The grandpa is terrific.
The dogs are terrific.
The uncle and aunt who are just horned up for each other after all these years.
I get misty.
Like for some reason, I'm like tearing up like I just I just love each other.
So that that scene is a terrific couple.

(56:10):
They're nice.
John Mahoney is great.
I love the liquor store owner and his wife are great.
The hairdresser even is like she's got a whole life.
The one who's like, I've been waiting to cover your grades for three years.
Like it was like the scene is this long
and you've got a whole back story for this woman.
Like, what are we doing?
Everyone is good.

(56:30):
OK, did we have we figured out what the like the timeline for the entire film
is, how many days this takes place over?
I mean, I think it's like a week maximum.
It's like an episode of 24.
Yeah, an episode of 20.
I have never chain smoked so many cigarettes than when
24 was on the air, and I'm not even like that into like

(56:53):
watching TV shows, but I would go home and like
it would be Christmas break and I'd go up to my parents' house and I'd
pull out the newest Blu Ray or DVD set of 24.
Watch the whole season and just like chain smoke the whole time.
And then my dad would get he worked swing shifts.

(57:13):
He'd come home at like four in the morning and we just sit there and smoke cigarettes.
This was a disgusting time when people smoked indoors,
aka the early 2000s.
That's smoking indoors.
No, that's where you were.
If it's your own house.
Well, they didn't get rid of it until like what, 2005?

(57:33):
That's fair. I lived in.
I lived in San Francisco.
So I was 21 because I was still smoking in bars.
So, Lauren, you would you would cast yourself as a fan of this movie, right?
I would. I mean, it's it's it's a weird one.
You're absolutely right that it shouldn't work.
It shouldn't make sense.
But I mean, there's there's some moments that sort of take you out of it.
I think like there are some moments that are like those cat callers are

(57:57):
violently staring at Cher like, you know, like, why?
Why is the camera still on those cat callers still as a construction worker?
I feel particularly called out.
Called out. Yeah.
What do you have against cat calling?
So much my friends.
I do really like when she comes out to the store and accidentally walks

(58:18):
like almost bumps into the nuns and then just like, watch it.
I was really hoping for more to be made of that moment.
Like all it was was like face acting and there was no like verbal
confirmation of what that interaction was.
I wanted I wanted the nuns to be involved somehow.
I guess it was just a reminder of like she's up to cheat on her fiance.

(58:42):
Of two days.
Oh, what the when she goes to confessional.
Oh, yeah. So I was wondering, do you do you think that the priest
actor was Cosmo, her dad?
He showed a similar and they don't show him because he's a priest.
Yeah. And then Nimidi.
But I was like, is that fucking Cosmo?

(59:03):
Is that what's his name?
Gardena? I don't know.
His his last name is Gardena, which is a fucking sick ass name.
It's pretty good.
It's a flower. My friend.
Jardinier. Oh, I do like if it had been Jardinier.
Now somebody's fluent.
Oh, this guy likes pickled vegetables.

(59:25):
Yeah, this guy, he's got a small patch of agricultural land.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's Fancy Gardiner.
Yeah. And he's a big meatball.
He's a big meatball.
No, the thought that I had was that he specifically like
he specifically was he called her by name.
And I was like, wait, are they not supposed to?

(59:47):
I've never been to confessional.
So if any of you have it's weird.
Help clarify this.
But like the point is that you can't see each other, right?
Like the point is that the priest doesn't know who you are.
You don't know who the priest is.
You can't see each other in the same way that when you wear specific fishnets,
you can't see things.
It's like, you know, it it kind of masks and obscures,

(01:00:11):
but you know who the priest is because you go to that church.
This would be the one person
standing up in front of everybody and talking anyway.
Yeah. And if you're a good Catholic,
your priest is going to know who you are because you actually go to confession.
And there's a whole rigmarole to get to that point
where you have to learn a bunch of shit and have your first communion.
And you go into another room with the priest by yourself.

(01:00:34):
Alone with no other adults.
There's wine involved.
He offers you a cookie.
Sounds like something I don't have to address about Catholicism.
This sounds something.
It sounds like something I don't remember.
Don't like me for a lot of reasons.
I got kicked out of.
Mom. I got kicked out of Sunday school.

(01:00:55):
Kick out. Both of these things.
Yeah, that's good. We're terrible.
You're good hosts. Nice work.
I need some actually to sip on. There you go.
Anyway, the sentence, the sentence I was finishing was just that like,
he calls her by name.
He's like, OK, Loretta, think about the fact that you're cheating on your fiance.
And I was like, that's is that OK?

(01:01:16):
Is that allowed?
But they're they're divine. They know.
Yeah. OK, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Direct line.
All that. Anyway, go on, Peter.
You were going to say a whole other thing.
So Catholicism and the Olive Garden.
When you're here, your family, we just know each other.
It's it's just what it is.
And weird things happen out back. Yeah.

(01:01:36):
Tongue stuff. And there's an uncle you don't talk about.
It's not your uncle in the church.
When you would be
it can't be your dad in the Catholic Church, but
come at us Catholics.
Yeah. Well, I only recognize the Holy Father.
OK. Let's do a round Robin.

(01:01:58):
Here are favorite scenes.
I mean, my hand, my bride's classic, but I still
is the end when everyone's just sitting there waiting oatmeal.
Yeah. The oatmeal scene is definitely my favorite.
Yeah.
I OK.
My favorite scene, including Nicholas Cage, is

(01:02:23):
the breakfast table at the end.
My favorite scene, not including Nicholas Cage,
is when all the old men are hanging out at that grave
and the dogs are just walking over people's graves and like peeing on stuff.
And he reckons Grandpa is just complaining about his shithole son.
Who won't pay for the wife or pay for his shares wedding.

(01:02:43):
It's so good.
I just love that old man.
And I love just knowing that the actor is deaf
and he's just sitting there like waiting for people to stop talking, to say his.
I say this every time, but my favorite line in the film is during the
breakfast scene and he just starts crying and Cosmos like, you OK, Pa?

(01:03:03):
I'm confused.
Yes. Oh, I'm sorry.
Even back it up even further.
My favorite scene might be when all the dogs come into that house
and then the one dog misses the stairs.
And it's on that stair every time I fucking die.
This is this is a stormtrooper bumping his head on the door.
Yes. It's such like a peak of reality.

(01:03:23):
And that's what I love about this stupid movie.
It does feel authentic.
So, Lauren, what's your favorite?
Oh, my God. That's a that's a tough question.
I mean, because I feel like, well, OK, so I mean,
the premise of this podcast, I must I must ask for clarification.
Are we specifically talking about the quality of Nicholas Cage

(01:03:44):
or the quality of film or hard questions?
That's for us to decide once you're off, Mike.
Yeah. Once we've sent you home.
I don't know. It's a combination of things.
Best performance. Is it the most cagey performance?
Is it the most cagey performance? Is it him embodying a character best?

(01:04:05):
Is it more fun? I don't fucking know.
Neither do we. It keeps it interesting every week. Yeah.
This is a lot of fucking hard rules.
Yeah. Like regular court, we're horrible. Horrible.
Optable. Yeah. Well, because because the gavel is gone.
How could there be justice with no gavel?
You don't know. We we've got gavels.

(01:04:27):
Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack. Yeah. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
You're right. I heard them.
I mean, I do. OK, I do.
I mean, gosh, I sure did love.
And this is purely personal.
This is purely like I love the scene of the two of them going to the Met Opera

(01:04:48):
and and share being like, I don't know about the opera.
Have you ever been to the opera?
But I've been at the opera and then going and being like a wreck
and just like being all open and feelings because like.
I mean, as as a musical theater nerd, as somebody who is
who is partnered to an opera conductor who is in rehearsal currently for an opera

(01:05:09):
in a virtual opera festival, that's where he is right now.
Like, it is so lovely to remind people
that the point of art is not to be like over your head.
It's it's not to be like we're going to look down on you
if you don't do the etiquette properly, if you clap at the wrong time, whatever.
The point of art is to go feel feelings really big, especially, especially opera.

(01:05:32):
The point of opera is to make you feel really gigantic, outsized feelings.
And that is that's all anyone is asking.
That is all these these these legendary composers want from you
is just to make you feel stuff really big.
Yeah, it's not for the head, it's for the heart.
I do love how she gets tripped up on the fact that like she dies
because she has tuberculosis and she's hung up on like,

(01:05:53):
but she kept singing with tuberculosis.
She's coughing her brains off, but she had to keep singing.
It's like she couldn't quite tell like the difference between the actor
or the singer and the story.
Like the line was a little blurred for her, which feels applicable
to the rest of the movie.
The rest of the movie isn't sure if real life needs to be naturalistic

(01:06:14):
and real or if real life needs to be a little a little extra big,
a little melodramatic.
But yeah, I just love that the moment where like like the hand holding
where she like holds his wooden hand and like she's got tears
rolling down her cheeks.
Oh, it's just like that particular piece, too.
It's just so beautiful.
Like, oh, I love it.
It just gives me feelings.

(01:06:36):
So I still don't know if I've seen it share in any other
acting performance like have you not seen Splash?
Oh, OK, I've seen Splash.
She's not in Splash.
Mermaids, you're thinking Mermaids.
Mermaids, yeah.
Mermaids, which has no Mermaids in it.
Mermaids, Nerea Mermaids, Splash is Darryl Hannah.

(01:06:56):
This podcast is on hiatus until Mermaids has more Splash in it.
Did you did you watch Witches of Eastwick?
Witches of Eastwick.
What was that one with Jack Nicholson is the devil that share and fuck.
It's a couple other amazing actresses.
They summon the devil because they want to fuck.
And then he shows up as like a big.

(01:07:16):
Oh, which is the beast.
This is incredible.
It's it's pretty good.
I only ever remember the end of that movie, which is so unhinged.
Yeah, the whole thing is.
So, yeah, it's Cher, Susan Sarandon, Michelle Pfeiffer.
I was a main like witches of Eastwick who summoned Jack Nicholson
to be their weird fuck devil daddy.
Fucked up, daddy.

(01:07:37):
Who among us can say they haven't done that?
I mean, if I had a nickel.
Yeah, right.
Because this is Nick Cage podcast.
How would you rate Nick Cage's performance on this?
Oh, I mean, I I feel like I'm probably less of a Nicholas Cage scholar
than than most of the the obviously the host of this podcast
or the most of the other guests on this podcast.

(01:08:02):
But he certainly he rises to the camp level
that is required of a movie that thinks it's an opera without music.
I think this is the most appropriate place for that level of melodrama.
The most like the most applicable lane for that kind of acting to be in.
For that ridiculous, like there's a moment when he like scratches his face

(01:08:24):
with the wooden hand, just like it's not even like there's not even like a lampshade
hung on it, you know, they're just like at breakfast that the morning after.
And he's like with his wooden hand, just scratches his face casually.
And he's like, I bet I bet the director didn't have to say that to him.
I bet he came up with that.
I bet he was like, yeah, this is a normal thing.
I love how much this movie rises to Nicholas Cage's camp level.

(01:08:48):
Like, I feel like everybody just brought themselves to his level
because he was on this.
It's such a great performance overall.
I love the over the top.
Hammy is like, bring me the big knife.
Chrissy. Yeah.
But then you'll have got Nick Cage.
But when you put Nick Cage.
He's like, yeah, I cut my throat.
When he gives her the speech about how like loves messy and like nothing's

(01:09:10):
perfect, snow's perfect.
And he gives us really impassioned, beautiful performance.
And just the next line just falls so flat.
And it's just kind of like, oh, yeah, still in the cage movie.
Yeah.
But he is charming.
It's young Nick Cage.
He's got his fucked up teeth.
His original hair.
I think that it's the opposite.

(01:09:31):
It's not that the movie, the rest of the movie rises to Nicholas Cage's level.
It's that he like he's new.
I mean, he's a copula.
So he like is in the film or whatever.
He's doing a few things at this point.
He's not as established as Cher.
Like if we're producers sitting around the table, like who should we cast for this?
Like, I don't think that Nicholas Cage is like an A at the time would have been like

(01:09:53):
an A list.
It wasn't Nick Cage.
It wasn't Nick Cage.
Cher refused to do the movie if they didn't hire Nick Cage because of Peggy Sue got married
because she wanted a crazy guy to play a crazy guy.
And like it's not it's not like the movie knows he's crazy.
Like somehow the movie doesn't know he's crazy because like, okay, here's here's my my weird
little theoretic thing.

(01:10:16):
Like I think early in the movie, I think the beginning of the movie, it's like this is
a regular naturalistic acting delivery of lines as usual film.
We see Cher in like just like the shabbiest outfit you can you can possibly imagine.
And then like it's like the conflict happens between normal life and like what if you live

(01:10:37):
like an opera?
And I feel like what the movie is saying is like, just fucking live high camp.
Just like live your life like a fucking opera.
And like like everyone's life gets massive and and super like romantic only after she
starts to accept that things can be big and dramatic and can be.

(01:10:58):
So it's like the thesis of the movie is like the conflict between normal life and and high
camp.
I'm like, can't wins because she wants to go to the opera and has the tears running down
her face.
It's like, so, OK, yeah, I do want to choose the guy with no hands.
I do want to fucking choose the crazy man who's getting a knife to cut his throat two minutes

(01:11:21):
into beating me.
Her life with Johnny would have been so like boring and just a straight play.
But yeah, but her life with Nicolas Cage has so many like just unidentifiable opportunities.
Opportunities, opportunities.
Yeah, yeah, you can have that.

(01:11:43):
Thank you.
Thank you.
Being into camera was really nice for that.
For this audio format.
It's one of our strongest suits.
Yeah.
Lean into camera.
Right.
Gross.
I hate you guys.
Was that Axel F?

(01:12:04):
It wasn't.
I mean, you control our microphones.
This is on you.
Yeah.
You have the power to stop this.
I do.
I do have that power.
It's good.
Go watch it.
Yeah.
Thank you, Lauren.
It's a banger.
Thank you.
Yeah, really.
It's good.
No shit.
It made the slick scene.
Yeah, it's true.

(01:12:25):
So did it.
Yeah, Lauren, your face seems to indicate that you did not know that we called it the slicks
teen for the sweet 16 instead because we're gross.
I mean, it tracks tracks nothing next team being a Nicholas Cage.
That's really good.
Not affiliated would be easy.

(01:12:46):
Yeah, too simple.
Hard to transition from the next team to the master eight.
Yeah.
And then the final four.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're okay.
And then what?
And then what?
Go on.
Big.
So now that we really laid out.
Oh, it's a face off.
Once you get, yeah, once you get one against the other, it is face off.

(01:13:07):
Now that we've really laid that out there, do you want to promote yourself at all?
I'd like to formally associate my brand with the slicks team and the final four skin.
My Instagram handle is Freeman dot band Freeman with one E unlike Morgan.

(01:13:28):
For E.M.A.N. dot B.A.N.D.
I swear I talk pretty one day.
Yeah, me too.
Me words good.
Yeah, but now.
Perfect.
Fantastic.
So let's wrap this thing up.

(01:13:52):
OK, well, so Moonstruck versus Army of One.
And we have pretty compelling arguments from both, I feel.
I mean, both movies.
Arguably have some of the most like extreme Nick Cage in his career in terms of performances.
At very wildly different times in his career, just starting out and kind of in that realm of is he done?

(01:14:17):
Yeah, the slump reinventing.
Yeah.
That's a nice way of saying the slump.
I've been there.
I'm reinventing as well.
So am I.
Mine involves more dresses.
So, OK, Moonstruck, we have good arguments of just strong ensemble cast and strong thematic purposes or usage.

(01:14:43):
Yeah. Thanks, Lauren.
Great.
I mean, fucking cover to cover every scene.
Great. Every performance.
Great. Like that movie.
Hope like goes through so well and goes at such a clip because there's never a moment that's wasted.
Yeah.
But on the flip side, also an ensemble.

(01:15:04):
Nicholas Cage is maybe a third of the film.
He's the second lead.
He's the second lead, which means there's another lead and there's other characters like he's not dominating the film.
No, at all.
It's a share film.
Steals the show, though.

(01:15:25):
I don't know.
I think I think Cher still still owns the movie.
Nicholas Cage, strong performance, memorable performance.
I love it.
It's a lot of fun.
Like I mentioned earlier, I'm talking to Lauren like I forgot, like just there are so many great scenes of him just really acting his heart out and such great line delivery and just there's so much passion in that performance.

(01:15:49):
Yeah, no, he didn't.
He didn't leave anything on the table.
He he committed really hard to this film.
It was a lot of fun.
It is a lot of fun to watch.
It has not stopped being a good film.
Man.
And then man, there is army of one.
It's a roller coaster that is only ups and screaming downs.

(01:16:12):
And they're not even bad downs.
It's just like so much fun throughout.
There's a couple moments where the build feels a little long.
Couple scenes where it it doesn't seem like we're just having fun.
There's some extended there's some stuff and when he's in Pakistan and some of the extended just kind of like meandering that there's like there's little jokes there, but it's not really doing much for the film.

(01:16:37):
Yeah, it's it's just jokes at that moment, which to a degree serve the purpose of showing a passage of time.
But even the passage of time is not that much like that first time when he's in Pakistan and you get like eight, ten events and then it's like after that it's like day two.

(01:16:59):
Yeah, that was day one.
Okay, I I do still die when I see that day to screen.
I'm just like, oh my God, he fucking shot his wad so early.
And then the rest of the time he's just walking around an alleyway swinging a sword, which is so much fun.
But narratively, it does.

(01:17:21):
It's got a slump in that part of the film.
I think where that movie really does shine the best is watching his interactions and his relationships with his friends and girlfriend.
And yeah, you need to get him away from that to show the depths of how crazy that person is.
But it's not served great at times.

(01:17:42):
And the shit with him and Russell Brand is just so bad.
I guess we have like a weird antithesis of like our dichotomy of we have a well developed world with Moonstruck where everybody like has a life.
Yeah.
Every character has something beyond the screen and a very well developed character, which makes sense because he's a real person.

(01:18:10):
And the way he interacts with people is just very genuine.
I would like to also.
So one thing we talk about with Army of One is how much of a character and how much of a character performances is where you don't see Nick Cage in it.
But at the same time, Moonstruck still so early in his career, so all those things we come to know Nick Cage as are still developing.

(01:18:32):
So it's not like he's writing the character, the personage of Nick Cage for that performance either.
No, no, he's not like riding it on coattails for sure.
And a lot of the things that really end up defining his career and his style are very much in development and kind of being I wouldn't say workshopped, but they're on display here in a way that there's a rawness to both performances.

(01:19:02):
I think I might say that he's got Gary more polished, but he's also a much older actor at that point.
Yes. Yeah, it's like 30 some odd years later.
So no terrific, terrific, terrific pairing.
Very difficult. Not something.
It's not a one to one. No, I struggle with this and I have a lot of biases, but you just like to see yourself on the big screen.

(01:19:27):
Yeah. No, I mean, I was pretty confident going into this that I'm just like, of course, I'm going to pick Moonstruck, but especially talking about Army of One with Eric and how much fun it is just to discuss.
There's so much to be said for that. I could recommend Moonstruck to almost anyone.
I could recommend Army of One to a much smaller group of people because I know while I think it's fun and while most of my friends, I think, will enjoy it for what it is, I know so many people who would just be completely turned off by that film at so many levels.

(01:19:58):
Yeah, there there is a level that you have to overcome for Army of One. I mean, I would recommend either movie to anybody circumstantially.
Army of One, I have to be able to recommend it to somebody who's going to watch it.
Well, OK, you can watch Army of One in passing and love it. You can watch Army of One a second time and love it. You can watch Army of One a fourth time and love it.

(01:20:31):
You can watch Moonstruck four times and love it. But if you're not paying attention, you need to pay attention that first time for sure.
And at least a little bit, it's got lacy amounts of like script and story and three through line, but it's it's not an any time film.
And I'm not I'm not saying that to talk myself out of it. This is a legitimately tough one for me.

(01:20:56):
It's OK, it's more limited in the recommendation. I think that's a fair assessment you're going to raise agreed
It's a smarter recommendation.
Agreed.
As far as like film critique goes, it's arguably got more going for it.
A tighter script, more concise editing.

(01:21:16):
It's got a lot of first draft energy on a lot of them with a lot of the writing, I feel.
Oh, yeah.
Moonstruck?
Oh, Army of One, sorry.
Were you talking about Moonstruck?
Yeah, I was talking about Moonstruck.
Oh, okay, I got lost in the conversation.
No, I agree with both those things.
As much as I love Army of One, I think I might have to go Moonstruck.
I think there's just more there and a wider range of emotion and just so much that he

(01:21:41):
just sells in that role.
It's not just, while it's a great joke, it's not just one joke for 90 minutes.
I won't get tired of Johnny.
Ronnie, thanks, Peter.
Fantastic.
I had to refer to Peter's notes.
Sorry for calling you a dick fuck.
There's a certain point where I'm going to get tired of listening to Gary.

(01:22:02):
Also, I know I know Gary's and oh my God, like there's there's an aspect of that character
that reminds me of people I know and I just it's funny.
It's charming, but it's also mildly upsetting as someone who lives with obnoxiously.
You live alone.
Baring.
Self-dunk.
As someone who lives with a lot of overbearing and like big emotions and emotional swings,

(01:22:28):
I can relate to a Ronnie a lot more.
And I don't know.
I love seeing that on the big screen.
Yeah, it's a fantastic character and the role is well cast and Nicholas Cage.
My struggle is it comes down all the way back to episode two.
Which one is like my Nicholas Cage performance recommendation?

(01:22:57):
One of them is a Nicholas Cage movie.
One of them is a great movie with Nicholas Cage.
I have to fight every fiber in my being, but I'm going to recommend you watch Army of One
and proceed with Moonstruck in the bracket.

(01:23:18):
No, I think that's right.
I would recommend I mean, I recommend people watch Army of One.
I think Moonstruck is the better choice.
You're never going to be upset watching Army of One.
If you want to watch Army of One, watch Army of One.
Yes. If you don't want to watch Army of One, don't watch Army of One.
You should still do it.
But yeah, I mean, do it.
I like getting into. Yeah.
Yeah. But Moonstruck is a it's a terrific film.

(01:23:41):
It's well put together. It's got feelings.
It's got you hate feelings.
Yeah. But I mean, other people don't.
So I have to I have to bend for people.
It's a well put together, ultimately enjoyable film that includes share dominantly.
Yep. But Nicholas Cage where it counts. Yeah.
And his hand is wooden because he lost it in a slicer.

(01:24:05):
He lost his hand. He lost his bride.
Johnny has his hand.
Johnny has my bride, his bride.
Do you want to do that one again?
He has Johnny's bride. He does.
Good night, folks. Yeah.
Well, I want to say we did also have our first drawing for a Patreon prize.

(01:24:27):
Yeah. Today, I think I would like to keep something like that going.
If you want to win something weirdly random and totally Nicholas Cage related,
definitely we got some stickers we can give you.
We're going to do a little bit of more promotional stuff on Patreon
if you want to support us and be a part of that.
That's fucking awesome.
We are Cage Match on Patreon.

(01:24:48):
And thank you to our Sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam and Bill.
And to our Cage dancers, Ira, John, Freeman, Lance, Nathan and Cameron.
It wasn't a dick pic. I just really want to put that out there.
It was not a picture of a wiener. It's a Nick pic. Yeah.
Thank you for coming to Cage Match, going around about way of meeting Nicholas Cage
where all your podcast court needs are served.

(01:25:10):
Bye bye. Bye bye.
Do do do do do do do do do do.
Whack whack whack.
Bye bye.
So, OK, I do you think this got me thinking,

(01:25:34):
do you think sting makes sexual partners sign non completes?
How cool would it be if Discord had like a hearing impaired setting
that would auto transcribe everything we say

(01:25:57):
and then she had to just listen to us while we're on mute.
It's a fucking nightmare.
Just figure out like all the AI fuck ups. Yep.
And I think I'm following.
It's like, no, they couldn't possibly be talking about wieners
for a tenth minute straight.
No, no, that's we that is our podcast.
That's our bread and butter.

(01:26:22):
My palest shade is white. OK.
But we're all pale shades of white here.
How many of us have owned a sword at one point in our life?
I never have.
I kind of always was jealous of people who had them, but I never had one.
So that makes you the coolest person in this room.
That actually makes you the whitest person of just like, I wish I owned a sword.

(01:26:44):
I couldn't get one. OK, so I lusted for swords.
No, I'm going to I'm going to be I'm going to fucking show how much of a fucking nerd I was.
So you own a katana.
I've owned a couple of swords. Yes. OK.
I've owned one sword and it wasn't even a real sword.
It was like a replica for a video game.
Guess what it was.

(01:27:05):
OK, wait, I also owned a replica sword, but from a book series.
OK. I am stumped on both of these.
Guess the nerdiest sword you can.
A buster sword. Close.
I mean, that was one number up.
One Final Fantasy eight. Yeah, the gun blade.

(01:27:27):
Oh, well, gun blade. Yeah.
Did it have a little charm on it? Yeah.
Wow. All right.
And add a working trigger to.
Yeah, sick. Did it shoot? No.
But the gun blade didn't shoot either.
Was it explosive shell? Yeah. All right.
What did you have?
So from the Wheel of Time series, I had a replica of Randolph

(01:27:49):
Thor's hair and Mark Blade. Nerds.
Yeah, that's how nerdy that's dorky as shit.
Yeah, but also fucking fantastic fantasy series.
What? What? OK, if you could have owned a nerdy sword, what would you want?
Oh, man, I probably got into swords when I read like Red Wall.
So it would have been like a mouse sword.

(01:28:10):
So like a drink like all of pick.
Pretty much. Yeah, cool. Yeah.
Boy, if I could have owned a better sword.
And what I had, what would be the coolest sword?
I mean, given my love of the Highlander series, I would have wanted like the fucking.
That's a good pick.

(01:28:31):
Oh, yeah, the Highlander sword, the blade sword.
Oh, I would have loved the blade sword.
Also fulfilling Katana at the same time.
Oh, you know what? I would love to have a replica of Gary's sword from Army of One.
Perfect. Yeah.
I would put it right next to my replica of the beast.