October 17, 2024 • 37 mins
B-B-B-Bonus episode! Let's get into the thick of it while we discuss 2011's Season of the Witch. Join us to find out who our Hellboy (...boys?) are, the best hobo nest literature, and if Adam Sandler fucked Serpico. This is Cage Match.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
(00:12):
I forgot how sweaty it is in Seattle
when it's really fucking clammy like this.
Not my favorite.
Clamming out. Clamming out.
Oh, which which intro are we going to use since this is a special.
We'll go classic. Oh, yeah.
We're we're we're we're we're.
Wow.
(00:34):
That's how it goes.
Oh, I'm learning guitar.
We can we can throw a sick little riff on there. Nice.
As long as it only requires the A, D and E chords.
That's all I know and need.
Just need that D.
Yeah, but he just learned E.
I did. Trying to trying to push E.
E. D.
Gotta learn that M chord so you can start recording some EDM.
(00:55):
It's not an M chord.
It's not how. Coward.
You're not trying hard enough.
It's you need a different kind of guitar.
I had to do the alphabet to see like if G came before F and it doesn't.
Hey, if they want if they wanted me to know the letters individually,
they wouldn't have taught me that fucking catchy song.
It is a. Are you talking about the alphabets? Yes.
(01:16):
I mean, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
A B C.
Oh, yeah, that would be better if like
you've completely replaced it in your brain that you have to go through it
as Nick the way Nicholas Cage.
I mean, Peter, you fucked up with Cora, but with with the new one,
you could you could teach them the alphabet that way.
(01:37):
Barrett, I got it.
I I always you nailed it.
I always second guess myself because I'm like, there's no way it's the same name
as the black character from Final Fantasy seven. Yeah.
But as soon as we replace her arm with a gun, you'll never forget.
You got to have a gun arm so you're never unarmed.
It's fucking tight, man. Yeah, that's it.
(01:57):
I'm not going to give you that because you just rhymed arm with arm.
Technically a cool rapper who's better than I am did that.
So maybe he sucks.
Oh, yeah, probably.
No, actually, his album is fucking great.
Called Black Materia. Oh, yeah.
You don't want to start beef.
Now it's it's really good.
I would not I would not do well in a
a rap battle in a rap battle.
(02:20):
This is going great.
I get so good at like a talking with it talking.
I was going to say an eight mile situation, but I couldn't remember
the name of the movie.
Why are we here, Peter?
Why are we here today?
We're here to talk about obviously season of the witch.
2011 flick starring Nick Cage and Ron Pearlman
(02:42):
and not Peter Stormare and not the guy from Game of Thrones,
although he's in there and not Claire Danes.
Yes, he's into the witch that not there that that classic August movie.
Yeah. Did you ask while you said that?
No, I was rubbing my ankle against the chair here.
(03:03):
I kind of wish you would rip to us.
No, I dropped a deuce before you showed up.
Disappointing. I saved it for hours just to do it here.
He warned me to. I was accurate. Yeah.
I ran into him at Lion.
He's like, I'm going to poop when I get to your house.
I mean, at least you called your shot.
I think I actually said I'm going to take a crap.
You know, Nick, if you really wanted to like,
it's just such an unfortunate way to hear it.
(03:25):
It is. If you really wanted to like, get one over on me, like
I'd I'd be like moving into my new apartment and like you just like
I'd hear the toilet flush and you'd walk out of it.
Like before you like before I told you where I lived, you just knew.
Yeah, like you packed me in a box unbeknownst to you.
We do have your dot.
You might want to cancel your dad.
I might cancel my dog when I move.
(03:45):
If you're smart, you cancel the dot.
There's always air tags in spider boxes.
Mm hmm. I don't like you.
What's a spider box? It's a box full of spiders.
Yeah. You you brought this up.
Is this misdirection?
No, we have a it's irrelevant.
It's an item in the electrical world called Spider Box.
Gotcha. Is it a box full of spiders?
(04:07):
No, it's just a power distribution thing.
Oh, that's better.
Is it? I checked in on my dog with the with the cameras at the house
and there was a spider on top of the camera so I couldn't see it.
But now I know there's a spider downstairs in my house.
And I guess in a two weeks, three weeks, whenever this comes out,
(04:27):
Josie will know there's a spider in her house, too.
I'm not going to tell her, though. Good.
Surprise spider.
Does he still listen to this? Yeah, she still listens.
I don't know why. Thanks.
Make sure I'm not lying about what I'm doing in the evenings.
I guess barely certain Meredith doesn't listen anymore.
We could have just loaded up all of our content and we are just.
God, you are sweaty. Good time.
(04:47):
Dude, I'm very hot right now. Yeah.
And I'm also a very sweaty person.
Do we just need like a towel boy to like moist towel you?
Maybe. I do not have a squeegee.
That sounds really nice, actually. OK.
Could I have a cool cloth?
I'll just slicked down, Ben and wipe you off with him.
Yeah. Yeah.
There is a big ball of cat throw that you can dab yourself with.
(05:11):
Gross. Yeah.
Do that if you want to watch me puke on a microphone.
All right. So what did you guys think of this movie?
Also, welcome back to Cage Match, a roundabout way of meeting Nicholas Cage.
Bonus.
B-b-b-bonus.
I'm Sean here with my co-host Nick and our producer.
Peter. Hello.
We only get one Nick on a bonus episode. Yeah. Yeah.
(05:33):
Because we're only doing one movie.
You're not paying for two.
You've got to pay for two nicks.
I'm sorry, patrons.
Unnecessary.
I think this movie fucking kind of kicks ass.
I'm going to get this out of the way right up front.
Just so whenever inevitably Nick gets mad at me later,
I did enjoy this movie.
(05:55):
But you have questions.
I watched this movie start to finish last night.
I sat on the couch, watched the entire thing. Wow.
And start to finish like a regular movie. Yeah.
You sat down and watched the movie.
You did better than I did.
Well, what I'm going to say is I like I sat there
and I engaged and watched this entire film
and I can't tell you a single goddamn thing about it.
(06:16):
Oh, yeah. No, it's so plot light.
Like it the plot exists just enough to kind of carry you scene to scene,
but not enough to carry you out the doors of the theater.
It is a gentle ride all the way through.
But honestly, I love the makeup.
(06:37):
The makeup effects were great.
I think the costuming was pretty.
Decent costuming was great.
The sets were great.
The only place where this falls down visually is that peak 2010s CG.
Yeah, it's not super good on the CG.
It loses it once the demon is revealed or the wolf.
When the wolf is transparent.
Yeah, there's a little bit of rubberiness to the.
(06:58):
But that is but that is the CG of the era.
Totally. Unless you're an Avengers.
Right. It's hard to really bag on a movie that didn't have a crazy, huge budget.
You know, I mean, but otherwise it looks great.
And I mean, it looks like every other generic fantasy
movie of the time.
But it was super cool to have a Nicolas Cage like period fantasy piece.
(07:20):
Yeah. Where all the accents are very accurate.
I loved how in the first three scenes, like the little montage of them
in the crusades, no accents.
And then as soon as like there's a scene focusing on them,
they're both like, maybe we should do an accent.
And it goes completely out the door.
The next scene.
I love that Ron Perlman just exists.
Like he's a modern man in the what?
(07:44):
Thirteen hundreds. Yeah.
Sixteen hundreds.
Whatever. Somewhere in that 300 year window.
I'm sure he existed through all of it.
I love his very toadstool looking helmet.
Oh, yeah. His dick helmet.
He's fucking awesome.
I love Ron Perlman so much.
Ron Perlman's a boss.
Yeah. He's a great Bobo.
Every once in a while.
(08:04):
So, OK, slight departure.
That's not where you're hearing that.
We don't do departures on this.
We only talk about Nick Cage movies.
OK. Great. Hard arrival then.
Every once in a while, I think like if I could have some
B or C list celebrity at my funeral,
who would I want to be at?
And earlier today, I was thinking Crispin Glover
(08:26):
would be the one. Yeah.
Ron Perlman probably wouldn't be a bad choice to though.
I would put him more recognizable.
I think Crispin Glover would fly under the radar for like 99 percent.
I mean, you've heard my story of the time I sat next to
and talked to Crispin Glover for like 20 minutes and didn't know it was him.
Exactly. And I kind of think that's what I want.
(08:47):
Just for that one person who's out there like.
Why the fuck was Crispin Glover here? Yeah.
But yeah, like just Ron Perlman sitting in the back sweating like I am right now,
just like mopping his brow.
Oh, yeah. Bag of peanuts.
Sean just hunched over like in retirement plan, just like giving up.
Yeah. Thinking about pizza.
(09:08):
I'm sure he'd be thinking about pizza.
Perlman's a good poll. Yeah.
Brian Dennehy, similar vibe, I guess.
Sort of a big pile.
Well, OK, yeah. Yeah.
I love piles of men.
Reginald Vail Johnson. Good pick.
Who's that? The cop from Die Hard.
(09:28):
Also, the cop family dad from Family Matters.
Oh, yeah. Family Matters. Yeah.
Family is a different thing.
Yeah. Or Dave Coulier, just because I don't think anyone's seen him in a while.
I forgot that that was a name. Yeah.
I never forget about him.
Do you think he still makes beaver jokes?
Do you think he still has that cross eyed bear?
There's only one way to find out.
(09:49):
Look up cameo. Dave Coulier.
Oh, I thought we were just like going to kill Sean and bring
Coulier to the funeral.
That's what I was concerned with.
That's a better idea.
Let's know. This is it's good that we workshop these things,
because otherwise I would have killed Sean.
Check in next week for cage match with Nick and Peter and Dave Coulier.
(10:10):
The natural replacement for when Sean dies mysteriously.
You're not wrong.
You both would have gone down on the Lannis Morse.
No, he didn't. That was the issue, right?
Only one way to find out.
I went down on the Lannis Morse.
You would. I would.
I mean, I called your shot for you, but.
All right. Let's be real.
(10:30):
She was God. That's fair.
Yeah, she did a car wheel.
And there's one thing that everybody knows about me is like,
I go down on cartwheels, cartwheels, get you oral. Yeah.
So the season of the witch,
this movie like zero car wheels.
Yeah, none.
Although it clear for probably could have done one at some point
(10:52):
and been like, I'm a witch.
Or but she wasn't a witch.
That's true. She was a car wheel.
The skirt falls down. Nope. Demon.
That would have been better. Yeah.
And then she does a movie on her hands.
Uh, demon labels.
Demon labial folds.
(11:14):
Demon Majores.
I just look.
I know we talked about the costumes already,
but just I really dug their armor and their capes
and just visually, the whole thing made me think,
what if that witcher show was mildly OK?
Oh, yeah. What if they got a real show runner?
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it could have been great. The witcher.
(11:35):
Oh, the witcher was bad.
Yeah, that's too bad.
I never played the games or anything, so I really had no stakes in it at all.
And everyone's like, well, I don't know.
He's hot. Whatever.
He's big. He's big.
It's a tough one.
Well, to talk about the witcher for a second.
They definitely based the first season on the first book,
which is more of a series of like loosely connected
(11:59):
short stories that kind of give you an idea of what being a witcher and.
But they're all short stories are about.
Gerald. Gerald.
That's how you create a character.
The main characters there.
The drugs they use to make him give him no emotions.
But he has to fuck constantly.
Mm hmm. So it's a crank situation.
Kind of. OK. I can get behind that.
(12:21):
Fantasy crank. Fantasy crank.
Yeah. More veins, less bathwater.
Come on, bring it.
OK, so my favorite thing about this movie is that I think that.
What movie are we talking about again?
Season of the Witch, obviously, 2011.
You think you think they couldn't afford the song?
My favorite part of this movie
(12:41):
is the buddy cop action of Cage and Perlman.
They fucking.
So great. Good.
Like charisma together.
Like I would do a TV show that didn't involve any of this shit.
It's them. Not the Crusades.
That's fucking a lame sort of backdrop for it.
It could be that time frame.
But them being like townie, you know, go town to town,
(13:02):
sort of solve the mystery of whatever is going on.
Sometimes it's a witch.
Sometimes it's I don't know.
So essentially you just want to make the Witcher with these two,
which is what I wanted.
It would be incredible. Yeah, I would watch that. Yeah.
Weirdly enough, the CG in this movie, despite being bad and from 15 years
13 years ago, still better than The Witcher show.
(13:23):
Oof was a bad show. That's rough.
I mean, this is you're right.
It looks pretty good for 2011, but it's pretty bad on the eyes.
It has the generic like like tornado of demons at the end of the film.
Yeah, I will say I did enjoy that like final demon fight
with all of the monks or whatever like coming about and just being like,
(13:45):
OK, I'm fucking evil now and I'm going to I'm going to do a stab spider
climbing up the walls.
Yeah, a lot of drop ins.
Mm hmm. Yeah.
Let's talk about the plague for a minute,
because it seems like it really fucked people up in this movie.
Yeah. And I don't think that's totally how the plague works.
I don't think it was necessarily the play.
It was a play.
It was a play. OK. All right.
(14:06):
Might have been caused by a demon.
Yeah, I think it was pretty.
I mean, they they implied pretty heavily that dealing with this one
particular demon causes plague which lady.
But then which lady does that mean she was already there?
Because she'd been around for a hot minute.
She needed to be taken to the abbey to get the book.
(14:27):
But if she was already there, then didn't she say that she had destroyed
all the other books? Yeah.
Well, she'd been trying to in the abbey was the last.
Abby was the last bastion of it and they were doing copies of it.
Yeah. Wanted to get.
But there had been other copies about and they were all destroyed at this point.
I think it was implied that.
But what I'm saying is like they'd are that demon.
All those monks had already died to the plague.
(14:49):
Right. But she wasn't there.
So how did that?
Yeah. Also, like never mind.
That seemed like a well known like Abby.
So it just seems silly that she didn't just fly her ass over there.
She was in a cage, though.
Which she immediately got out of of her own accord.
Oh, yeah. No, she she definitely just wanted them to take her there.
(15:09):
You know what? It's looked like a long walk.
It did look like a long walk. She had wings.
What what would be cooler, though, than having some dudes drag your ass up there
so you could chill out in style.
Then you get to eat them or kill them or whatever.
I don't know. What do demons do?
She just killed him.
Turn the guy's head around. That's always true.
That is good. And Ron Perlman's death was awesome.
(15:31):
Yeah. Ron Perlman had a good one. Yeah. Fire hug.
Yeah. DeBell's like it was so fast because this movie is really dark.
And I mean, not in concept.
It's just it was really dark.
And, you know, he's doing this incantation to steal her away forever.
And then it's just all of a sudden like, quick. Yep. Head snap.
That's it. Goodbye. DeBell's act. DeBall's act.
(15:53):
DeBall sack. DeBall sack.
We got that. Yeah.
Uh, Christopher Lee.
Fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Fucked up face.
You know, a lot of herpes. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, he eats a peach.
Yeah. We got Michael Douglas.
So Michael Douglas, that's what we were talking about the other day.
(16:13):
Saying that he's still alive.
You got throat cancer from eating too much.
Catherine Zeta Jones.
That's wild. That is wild.
I mean, I I hope it's true.
Only one way to find out for both of their sake.
I mean, really, like happy couple.
Fair. Let's see other characters in here.
There's a I don't know, the like Swedish guy or something. Sure.
(16:38):
So there's like, oh, well, there's the altar boy kid.
Yeah. Who is Klaus from Umbrella Academy.
Oh, was he? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow. I just finished that show the other night.
I was the last season. Yeah.
How was it? I enjoyed it. OK.
I mean, it's all the endings what it is.
But the discord around the Internet is the ending isn't great.
(17:00):
Yeah, it's a little flat, but it's I don't know.
Nothing's been as good as that first season. Correct.
How many times can you just do an apocalypse?
Yeah, I would say four.
Yeah, four would do it.
Or in this movie, one.
Yeah. So there was, you know, him altar boy boy.
(17:21):
Alter boy boy is my favorite sidekick. Yeah.
All right. And then yes, Stephen Graham from Snatch as Haggar, their guide.
Just seems like kind of a cunt.
Yeah, he got eaten by wolves.
Yeah. Yeah. But they were like. Demonic wolves.
Yeah. I was going to say witchy wolves, which sounds better.
But again, she wasn't a witch.
Wasn't a witch. Not a witch.
(17:42):
That opening goes hard, though, when they're like throwing witches
off the bridge and just snapping necks.
Mm hmm. I did want to point this out because the first thought I had was
they hung the witches like snap their necks.
Then drowned them, which overkill, but then left them in the water.
I'm like, that's how you poison your water supply and you're going to get sick.
And then the next like scene you see in the city, it's all plagued up.
(18:02):
I'm like, I fucking told you.
That's right. You put like weird bad people's corpses in the water.
It's like, let's go drink that and wash our clothes in it and shit.
But the problem is, well, I mean, nobody washed anything back then.
The problem was they didn't pull them back out and burn them.
It was the burning they forgot.
Well, it was the incantation that would burn them or incantation that would like.
(18:25):
I mean, you should burn them as well.
Well, yeah, you should exercise them and then burn them.
Yeah, I can't believe how much that fucking dude looks like Peter Stormare, though.
Yeah, he does look like a lot of Peter Stormare.
I took a lot in the forehead.
I did a little Photoshop overlay of the two of them.
I was like, damn, that's close.
What do you think your favorite part of this movie was?
Did I mention the penis helmet?
(18:47):
I mean, you didn't bring up the fact that he should play toad.
He should play toad.
We need a gritty Mario sequel, like fucking 90s live action Mario movie.
Gritty sequel. We get Leguizamo back.
Ron Perlman plays toad.
So who plays Mario?
No, Mario's dead. They're avenging his death.
OK, can we just do Super Mario Brothers
to just an all desert weird shy guy radish? Yes.
(19:12):
Lots of like deep digging in the desert. Yeah. Yeah.
I like that.
I think Ron Perlman is the fastest at it for some reason,
because he's got those big hands.
Yeah, he's sort of a Wreck-It Ralph type.
He would be a great live action Wreck-It Ralph, but like old.
Yes. Retired Wreck-It Ralph. Yeah.
(19:33):
I do like the sword fighting in this movie is like serviceable.
I do enjoy the all right.
We got old guys sword fighting, so we're just going to like show them
like overhead swing, then cut to every angle
that doesn't show their face for cool shit and then finish.
I mean, I like how you say old guy and I'm like, that's how they would feel me.
Yeah. Not saying we're not old.
(19:54):
That was also like 13 years ago.
Old like they were just in their 50s.
Well, Cage was I don't know how old Perlman Perlman.
I mean, he would have now.
Cage would have been in his 40s because he's only 59 now.
That's true. Yeah.
How old are they? Not even that old.
Yeah. Ron Perlman, 45.
But he just lived a hard fucking life.
(20:16):
74. So he would have been 60. Yeah. OK.
I'm not swinging a sword when I'm 60.
Maybe a little sword. I'm not swinging much.
God, he was good as Hellboy.
He was fucking he was the best.
That's my hellboy for sure.
Although that new one looks pretty fucking good.
I'm excited for that.
I think my OK. So back to your question.
Your favorite is just,
well, not the guy from Stranger Things, Stranger Things.
(20:39):
Yeah. He was fine and all, but Stranger Things.
Yeah. So the guy who played Harper.
Yeah. David. Oh, gotcha.
He was the last cowboy.
I lost which conversation we were having. Yeah.
I'm not helping. OK.
So your favorite Hellboy is
the one at the end of the movie where they fight all the monks.
Ron Perlman. Yeah. Gotcha.
(21:01):
And then Nicolas Cage gets stabbed with the wingtips. Oh, yeah.
That was a pretty cool.
Like if I was a demon and I was fighting somebody,
I would stab them with my wingtips.
This movie does have a lot of like I'm like, I want to steal that for D&D.
Yeah, it's cool.
I had never thought about that.
You know, points on the wingtips.
You literally have a weapon.
It's a weapon.
Just like it whipping around into his back was pretty fucking gnarly.
(21:24):
Yeah. Yeah.
And I like that he does not survive the film.
Yeah, he does not.
He does get to give like all shucks kids go on and have a good life.
Kind of a speech.
But it was convenient that the demon didn't just take human form,
but actually possess somebody what for there to be somewhat of a happy ending.
Because I was confused by that at the end where it's like, oh, so there
(21:45):
she was a person. Right.
And I'm sure that she and Kay lived to be a ripe old 37 years old.
Yeah. Well, demons do need some kind of vessel to come in,
like most literature, right?
Like they need to possess somebody.
But why didn't it bust out?
That's what possession is all about.
It was about to bust, man.
Maybe it just needed like a little more edging.
(22:08):
Yeah. Had to get near that church.
Mm hmm. Maybe about the best.
Maybe it's no good in like open world combat has to do close quarter.
OK. They were in that kind of sweet dome.
So my favorite scene was the bridge scene.
Me too. Getting over that bridge.
Oh, yeah. That was really cool.
It was tense.
I love that everybody had some kind of hand wrappings except for the priest.
(22:31):
And like, he's like, oh, my hands are all bleeding up.
Well, he got stabbed in the hand.
Yeah, but he was also needs that he should probably have more hand wrap.
Yeah, I did notice that too.
I'm like, why is it like, why is no one giving the guy with the bloody handed glove?
Also, maybe Nick Cage, you're not holding the rope like give him your gloves.
Well, I mean, if you give him a glove, like really,
that just opens you up for an infection.
(22:52):
This time of the world, he was going to die of an infection regardless.
They weren't going to boil that glove.
Yeah. Infection being head turning.
What do you think? That's Roman.
What do you think?
Pearlman drank from that flask? Oh, no, I guess it was cage.
You drank it. What do you think they were drinking?
It was a prominent flask.
Yeah. But what was it?
Liquor. Yeah, I think.
What's like 13th century liquor?
(23:13):
Some type of mash, I'm assuming.
It sounds horrid.
I did like their cockiness when they were in the Crusades.
Sorry, three local.
We hadn't evolved to four.
I was going to say they probably didn't have that many locals.
Yeah.
I did like through the Crusades.
They tried to show the passage of time through the like Crusades montage
(23:34):
by like adjusting the length of their beards.
Yeah, they adjusted their costumes and stuff.
That's how you get mushroom head. Yeah.
So I loved mushroom head.
Nick Cage's helmet was dumb. I did not like that.
Yeah, agreed.
Also, I like how whenever they like swang their swords around.
Swang, swang the sword and dang and swang the sword.
(23:55):
But they'd like they'd whack people and like people go flying.
Oh, yeah.
Whacking and swang and swang and and whack and
dang and swacking.
They're their fights were great in the Crusades.
I liked their buddiness of like, you know, whoever kills less has to buy
and buys the drinks.
Yeah, I'll take the 300 on the left.
(24:17):
You take the 300 on the right.
Then who will buy? Oh, you're still buying.
It was very gimly and I really enjoyed them when they weren't.
I really enjoyed their banter when they weren't in like a fantasy movie.
Yeah, when it was just like two dudes in like dresses talking.
Yeah, so good.
Like when they were in prison and they're just like in their dirty robes.
(24:41):
I love that. Yeah.
Yeah, there's not like a lot of good quotes from this,
but, you know, that's the one where Pearlman's like,
what's that smell in case just goes you?
That was a good one.
I did like how when they were making their demands to take the
the witch to the abbey to the monastery,
they could like, I want her to have a fair trial and like walks away
(25:03):
and run from it's like, and we we get off.
We get out of here.
Yeah, like we're we're also good. Yeah.
Yeah, Nicholas Cage's character was definitely more.
I wouldn't say pious, but like moral.
And I did enjoy the contrast of Ron Perlman's just like,
oh, I'm just here for a good time.
(25:23):
Yeah. Or like the story cage tells about Ron Perlman
signing up for the crusades when he was talking to the priest.
And he's like, oh, you know, like how much absolution do I get?
Or how much how many years do I need to serve for adultery?
How many years for thievery?
Better just sign me up for 20 then.
(25:46):
That was pretty good.
Filson's the best character without a doubt.
Yeah. He's the best in everything.
Yeah, he is the best boy.
What are we even doing here anymore? Who cares?
So Cage's performance overall, I mean, the accent's bad.
What do you think of it across the board?
That's it's just it's serviceable. It's there.
Yeah, it's just what it is.
(26:06):
I mean, this is not a high quality film.
No, but it's a very enjoyable film.
Yes. Yeah. So he.
I would rank it slightly better than Prince of Persia Sands of Time.
Hmm. So he lost the Razzie Award for worst actor.
Oh, did you guys look anything up on this?
(26:26):
No, not a thing.
Do you want to guess who won worst actor?
2011, 2011.
It's a very famous person.
2011. Give me one true performance and three not true.
Like, well, I'm not going to.
Was it for a big movie?
Like four movies.
It was definitely a movie that they.
It was definitely a movie.
(26:47):
Their production company funded this movie, as they often do.
Major comedic actor from our, you know, 1990s, mid 90s youth.
Was it Adam Sandler?
It is an Adam Sandler.
Is it Jack and Jill?
Yes, it is Jack and Jill.
Nicely done. Well, Jack and Jill.
What's a Jack and Jill?
I haven't seen that one.
(27:08):
Adam Sandler sleeps with a fucking Scarface.
Really? I've never seen this one.
What's why can I remember Serpico's name?
Al Pacino, Pacino.
Al Pacino wants to sleep with Adam Sandler, who plays his like Adam Sandler.
And his twin plays his twin sister.
I think we finally broke neck.
(27:28):
No, I'm just working on logistics here.
They cloned Adam Sandler as a woman for this film.
Mm hmm. And it is played by Al Pacino.
No, it's played by Adam Sandler.
But Al Pacino is in the movie in a fat suit
and wants to sleep with Adam Sandler's sister.
Did Adam Sandler get the Razzie for his performance as dude
(27:49):
Adam Sandler or Lady Adam Sandler?
Well, it was the actor.
So I assume that Jack got the Razzie and Jill did.
All right. He's an actor regardless.
I want to know.
You can also call women actors actors.
I mean, they differentiate it because of that.
Sexism is a particular thing.
If you want to be gender neutral, use Actron.
(28:11):
Yeah, it's a robot.
That is the actual gender neutral. Is it?
Yeah, that's Actron.
Dumb. Yeah, that is a robot and I like that better.
Yeah. Ah, so the best Actron.
No, I don't know.
Who else was up for a Razzie's out here?
So wait, Lady Adam Sandler tried to sleep with Al Pacino.
Al Pacino tried to sleep with Lady Adam Sandler.
(28:33):
Yeah, you've got the measure of it.
What was the attraction?
Tell me more about Jack and Jill.
I don't know.
I've only like that's all I've just make up something for me.
So the tagline I'll just describe the poster for you.
It's oh, yeah.
So tell me the poster poster,
you know, a banner across that says Adam Sandler is Jack and Jill.
(28:56):
And then in the top half of it, it's Adam Sandler going.
OK, that's great for this audio format.
And on the bottom, it's Jill going.
Oh, OK. Peter Grimist and then smiled.
And the tagline is his twin sister is coming for the holidays.
How's it spelled?
The normal way. Sorry, this isn't.
See you at my end.
You got the normal.
(29:17):
Yeah, it depends on like how what you Google for being normal.
It's twin sister is coming.
Wow. Busted.
And then the lower half says dot dot dot.
And it ain't pretty.
So he's a squirter.
I am so aroused right now.
(29:37):
OK. So I was a matter of Sean.
Come back next episode when we watch Jack and Jill.
I like how this this episode isn't coming out for like a couple months.
Yeah. Yeah, it'll be a while.
But yeah, I'm going to listen.
I'm going to this is going to come out.
So many spiders in my house by the time this comes out.
Holy fuck. OK.
So I'm just going to read you the last sentence of the synopsis of this movie.
(30:01):
OK, but you know, ultimately disapproves of Jack's agency commercial,
which features him rapping and instructs Jack to destroy all iterations of it.
I don't want to know if it's Pacino rapping or Jack rapping.
I just want to.
Does Pacino play Pacino?
Mm hmm. Yes.
I love because he's he's hired to do a Dunkin Donuts commercial.
(30:22):
I love the 100% out of context
combination of the words Jack and rapping.
Just Jack rapping Jack rapping.
That's a rap battle.
I don't know if I'd want to attend.
I would.
I'd go to Al Pacino's rap battle.
(30:42):
Will you go to Jack Battle, though?
Adam Pacino's rap battle.
Jack Battle. Not as Jack Battle.
You don't want to do that.
It's a Jack battle between Pacino and Sting. Oh, no.
My money's going so long.
Mine has a fiery finish.
You need to go to a doctor.
Where do you think I got it?
(31:04):
I got to stop finding doctors in alleyways.
They're cheap and they're available, but man.
Oh, man.
I don't know. What do you guys think?
Any other any other thoughts on this actual movie?
What movie are we talking about again?
Season the Witch 2011.
I couldn't tell you scene to scene how this movie played out.
I just remembered I was entertained the whole time.
(31:25):
Yeah, I mean, I could give you a roundabout of it, but there's a witch.
There's a witch and they get out of jail to take the witch to the witching school.
Everybody else in their party kind of dies.
Well, almost everybody except for Klaus.
And it would have taken the probably less time
(31:46):
because it took them what three days to get there?
Oh, no. Three movie days.
I'm trying to remember. They said it was like three or four days.
Either way, probably would have been faster to send one guy on a fast horse
to get the book and then come back.
I don't think they knew that the book was the objective.
Yeah, they did.
No, they were going to go to have the witch on trial.
Then when they got there, they found everyone doing the book shit.
And they were like, oh, the Book of Solomon.
(32:07):
But no, they know they they still knew they needed the book to like cast the spell.
Yeah, I think on the right of it that they were sending her to the abbey
because of the book.
Oh, because they had the book.
And that's why she wanted to go. Right.
I should have just gotten that fucking book. Yeah.
I think it was more than like three days.
I think it was a size.
I mean, three days in a fantasy world.
(32:30):
It wasn't that that's like Burian.
They say they say the they say it's like how many they say how far it is.
And it's like three or four days. It's not long.
They should have packed more booze.
They should have had more everything.
It was a bad ass flask, though.
It was a cool fly that spikes.
Yeah, it's like flask.
My flask is monogrammed.
It says Dave on it. Nice.
I got it at Goodwill and I'm really happy to have a Dave flask.
(32:53):
Mine is monogrammed and it has a Batman logo on it.
It says Bums. I like that. Yeah.
Dave, we aren't monogram supposed to be your initials.
Well, I don't know. It was engraved.
Oh, had a name on it. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, how do you know his initials aren't D.A.V.E.?
Yeah. Darryl Allen Veranda.
(33:16):
We're going to end on Veranda.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you for listening.
I don't even know.
This is a weird one.
We're going to we're going to sprinkle these in here
because we're hurting for content because we're getting towards the end of the thing.
We're not hurting for content.
We just we also just want some breaks for our lives.
That's why we record these things months in advance.
(33:38):
I've just got all these movies I want to talk about.
Yeah, there's good shit out there.
We're going to talk more about weird fucking cage shit.
I'm like a stone's throw away from owning all the Nicolas Cage movies
except for the animated shit.
So we know what to get you for Christmas.
Not going to do it.
You just burn them.
No, probably toxic fumes around you take a picture.
(33:59):
You're just like, this is right.
I'll pawn them for vintage pornography.
OK, that's every time you come over to my house and you see like a 1983
playboy on the like coffee table.
I'll know I helped. Yeah. Yeah.
All right. That was the crudes.
Yeah.
Now, I assume to get that kind of porno, you just like put a box
(34:20):
of weird, loose, Nick Cage DVDs out somewhere.
You have to put them under a bridge.
Yeah. And you come back later and you just find like 1981 March Playboy.
Yeah. Yeah. All right.
That's pretty fucking tight.
That's a good system.
So I was doing so
I was doing a job down in Tacoma the other last week.
And I found a hobo nest behind my job site and there was a job
(34:44):
a book like in the hobo nest
like the basically the trials and tribulations of fatherhood.
And my my apprentice was getting married this the weekend
after this, and I was like, oh, man, you should totally grab that book.
He's like, maybe I should.
(35:05):
And then we came back the next day and all the rest of the trash
was still there, but that one book was gone.
So I'm assuming the hobos were listening.
Oh, yeah. They knew what treasure was. Yeah.
Speaking of treasure.
Thank you for listening.
You can find us on social media at Cage underscore match underscore pod
or on Patreon if you feel like giving us money to make us do more of this.
(35:28):
If you give us enough money, we'll stop doing this.
We could. Yeah. It's got to be a big amount.
Yeah. Enough to kill enough to kill a rhinoceros.
Yeah. Or be Nicolas Cage.
So special thanks to our sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam
and Bill got there and to our cage dancers, Ira, John Freeman, Lance,
Nathan and Cameron.
(35:50):
You can find us on Patreon at Cage match if you want to do that.
Veranda, if you ever want to see how much money it takes to choke me to death,
just start donating.
But it all has to be like at one time,
because otherwise I'm a start swallowing and you can't stop me
once I start swallowing.
(36:12):
You just keep saying I'm about to bust.
It'll sound like, oh, well, well, bye.
Bye.
Bye. Bye.
So I'm taking Rico to get his vasectomy tomorrow.
(36:34):
Oh, perfect. Yeah.
He was wondering like you hear.
He did not know you needed somebody to drive.
You're a better friend than I.
Well, he definitely was going deep into the coffers for people to give him a ride.
Yeah. I was going to say, wait, I'm not I'm not like number two on his call sheet.
I you probably place lower than you.
You probably missed his call.
(36:55):
That's all it was, Sean.
He got to me and I was like, you know what?
I got you, buddy.
Yeah, you've you've gone through this.
Well, he's getting it snipped. I'm going to go buy a pack of peas.
And I'll have that just set on the seat for him.
Now, boil them.
A bag of boiled peas like frozen peas in a hot bag.
Yeah. Pull a Hayden.
(37:16):
That's a Hayden style for sure.
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
(00:12):
I forgot how sweaty it is in Seattle
when it's really fucking clammy like this.
Not my favorite.
Clamming out. Clamming out.
Oh, which which intro are we going to use since this is a special.
We'll go classic. Oh, yeah.
We're we're we're we're we're.
Wow.
(00:34):
That's how it goes.
Oh, I'm learning guitar.
We can we can throw a sick little riff on there. Nice.
As long as it only requires the A, D and E chords.
That's all I know and need.
Just need that D.
Yeah, but he just learned E.
I did. Trying to trying to push E.
E. D.
Gotta learn that M chord so you can start recording some EDM.
(00:55):
It's not an M chord.
It's not how. Coward.
You're not trying hard enough.
It's you need a different kind of guitar.
I had to do the alphabet to see like if G came before F and it doesn't.
Hey, if they want if they wanted me to know the letters individually,
they wouldn't have taught me that fucking catchy song.
It is a. Are you talking about the alphabets? Yes.
(01:16):
I mean, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
A B C.
Oh, yeah, that would be better if like
you've completely replaced it in your brain that you have to go through it
as Nick the way Nicholas Cage.
I mean, Peter, you fucked up with Cora, but with with the new one,
you could you could teach them the alphabet that way.
(01:37):
Barrett, I got it.
I I always you nailed it.
I always second guess myself because I'm like, there's no way it's the same name
as the black character from Final Fantasy seven. Yeah.
But as soon as we replace her arm with a gun, you'll never forget.
You got to have a gun arm so you're never unarmed.
It's fucking tight, man. Yeah, that's it.
(01:57):
I'm not going to give you that because you just rhymed arm with arm.
Technically a cool rapper who's better than I am did that.
So maybe he sucks.
Oh, yeah, probably.
No, actually, his album is fucking great.
Called Black Materia. Oh, yeah.
You don't want to start beef.
Now it's it's really good.
I would not I would not do well in a
a rap battle in a rap battle.
(02:20):
This is going great.
I get so good at like a talking with it talking.
I was going to say an eight mile situation, but I couldn't remember
the name of the movie.
Why are we here, Peter?
Why are we here today?
We're here to talk about obviously season of the witch.
2011 flick starring Nick Cage and Ron Pearlman
(02:42):
and not Peter Stormare and not the guy from Game of Thrones,
although he's in there and not Claire Danes.
Yes, he's into the witch that not there that that classic August movie.
Yeah. Did you ask while you said that?
No, I was rubbing my ankle against the chair here.
(03:03):
I kind of wish you would rip to us.
No, I dropped a deuce before you showed up.
Disappointing. I saved it for hours just to do it here.
He warned me to. I was accurate. Yeah.
I ran into him at Lion.
He's like, I'm going to poop when I get to your house.
I mean, at least you called your shot.
I think I actually said I'm going to take a crap.
You know, Nick, if you really wanted to like,
it's just such an unfortunate way to hear it.
(03:25):
It is. If you really wanted to like, get one over on me, like
I'd I'd be like moving into my new apartment and like you just like
I'd hear the toilet flush and you'd walk out of it.
Like before you like before I told you where I lived, you just knew.
Yeah, like you packed me in a box unbeknownst to you.
We do have your dot.
You might want to cancel your dad.
I might cancel my dog when I move.
(03:45):
If you're smart, you cancel the dot.
There's always air tags in spider boxes.
Mm hmm. I don't like you.
What's a spider box? It's a box full of spiders.
Yeah. You you brought this up.
Is this misdirection?
No, we have a it's irrelevant.
It's an item in the electrical world called Spider Box.
Gotcha. Is it a box full of spiders?
(04:07):
No, it's just a power distribution thing.
Oh, that's better.
Is it? I checked in on my dog with the with the cameras at the house
and there was a spider on top of the camera so I couldn't see it.
But now I know there's a spider downstairs in my house.
And I guess in a two weeks, three weeks, whenever this comes out,
(04:27):
Josie will know there's a spider in her house, too.
I'm not going to tell her, though. Good.
Surprise spider.
Does he still listen to this? Yeah, she still listens.
I don't know why. Thanks.
Make sure I'm not lying about what I'm doing in the evenings.
I guess barely certain Meredith doesn't listen anymore.
We could have just loaded up all of our content and we are just.
God, you are sweaty. Good time.
(04:47):
Dude, I'm very hot right now. Yeah.
And I'm also a very sweaty person.
Do we just need like a towel boy to like moist towel you?
Maybe. I do not have a squeegee.
That sounds really nice, actually. OK.
Could I have a cool cloth?
I'll just slicked down, Ben and wipe you off with him.
Yeah. Yeah.
There is a big ball of cat throw that you can dab yourself with.
(05:11):
Gross. Yeah.
Do that if you want to watch me puke on a microphone.
All right. So what did you guys think of this movie?
Also, welcome back to Cage Match, a roundabout way of meeting Nicholas Cage.
Bonus.
B-b-b-bonus.
I'm Sean here with my co-host Nick and our producer.
Peter. Hello.
We only get one Nick on a bonus episode. Yeah. Yeah.
(05:33):
Because we're only doing one movie.
You're not paying for two.
You've got to pay for two nicks.
I'm sorry, patrons.
Unnecessary.
I think this movie fucking kind of kicks ass.
I'm going to get this out of the way right up front.
Just so whenever inevitably Nick gets mad at me later,
I did enjoy this movie.
(05:55):
But you have questions.
I watched this movie start to finish last night.
I sat on the couch, watched the entire thing. Wow.
And start to finish like a regular movie. Yeah.
You sat down and watched the movie.
You did better than I did.
Well, what I'm going to say is I like I sat there
and I engaged and watched this entire film
and I can't tell you a single goddamn thing about it.
(06:16):
Oh, yeah. No, it's so plot light.
Like it the plot exists just enough to kind of carry you scene to scene,
but not enough to carry you out the doors of the theater.
It is a gentle ride all the way through.
But honestly, I love the makeup.
(06:37):
The makeup effects were great.
I think the costuming was pretty.
Decent costuming was great.
The sets were great.
The only place where this falls down visually is that peak 2010s CG.
Yeah, it's not super good on the CG.
It loses it once the demon is revealed or the wolf.
When the wolf is transparent.
Yeah, there's a little bit of rubberiness to the.
(06:58):
But that is but that is the CG of the era.
Totally. Unless you're an Avengers.
Right. It's hard to really bag on a movie that didn't have a crazy, huge budget.
You know, I mean, but otherwise it looks great.
And I mean, it looks like every other generic fantasy
movie of the time.
But it was super cool to have a Nicolas Cage like period fantasy piece.
(07:20):
Yeah. Where all the accents are very accurate.
I loved how in the first three scenes, like the little montage of them
in the crusades, no accents.
And then as soon as like there's a scene focusing on them,
they're both like, maybe we should do an accent.
And it goes completely out the door.
The next scene.
I love that Ron Perlman just exists.
Like he's a modern man in the what?
(07:44):
Thirteen hundreds. Yeah.
Sixteen hundreds.
Whatever. Somewhere in that 300 year window.
I'm sure he existed through all of it.
I love his very toadstool looking helmet.
Oh, yeah. His dick helmet.
He's fucking awesome.
I love Ron Perlman so much.
Ron Perlman's a boss.
Yeah. He's a great Bobo.
Every once in a while.
(08:04):
So, OK, slight departure.
That's not where you're hearing that.
We don't do departures on this.
We only talk about Nick Cage movies.
OK. Great. Hard arrival then.
Every once in a while, I think like if I could have some
B or C list celebrity at my funeral,
who would I want to be at?
And earlier today, I was thinking Crispin Glover
(08:26):
would be the one. Yeah.
Ron Perlman probably wouldn't be a bad choice to though.
I would put him more recognizable.
I think Crispin Glover would fly under the radar for like 99 percent.
I mean, you've heard my story of the time I sat next to
and talked to Crispin Glover for like 20 minutes and didn't know it was him.
Exactly. And I kind of think that's what I want.
(08:47):
Just for that one person who's out there like.
Why the fuck was Crispin Glover here? Yeah.
But yeah, like just Ron Perlman sitting in the back sweating like I am right now,
just like mopping his brow.
Oh, yeah. Bag of peanuts.
Sean just hunched over like in retirement plan, just like giving up.
Yeah. Thinking about pizza.
(09:08):
I'm sure he'd be thinking about pizza.
Perlman's a good poll. Yeah.
Brian Dennehy, similar vibe, I guess.
Sort of a big pile.
Well, OK, yeah. Yeah.
I love piles of men.
Reginald Vail Johnson. Good pick.
Who's that? The cop from Die Hard.
(09:28):
Also, the cop family dad from Family Matters.
Oh, yeah. Family Matters. Yeah.
Family is a different thing.
Yeah. Or Dave Coulier, just because I don't think anyone's seen him in a while.
I forgot that that was a name. Yeah.
I never forget about him.
Do you think he still makes beaver jokes?
Do you think he still has that cross eyed bear?
There's only one way to find out.
(09:49):
Look up cameo. Dave Coulier.
Oh, I thought we were just like going to kill Sean and bring
Coulier to the funeral.
That's what I was concerned with.
That's a better idea.
Let's know. This is it's good that we workshop these things,
because otherwise I would have killed Sean.
Check in next week for cage match with Nick and Peter and Dave Coulier.
(10:10):
The natural replacement for when Sean dies mysteriously.
You're not wrong.
You both would have gone down on the Lannis Morse.
No, he didn't. That was the issue, right?
Only one way to find out.
I went down on the Lannis Morse.
You would. I would.
I mean, I called your shot for you, but.
All right. Let's be real.
(10:30):
She was God. That's fair.
Yeah, she did a car wheel.
And there's one thing that everybody knows about me is like,
I go down on cartwheels, cartwheels, get you oral. Yeah.
So the season of the witch,
this movie like zero car wheels.
Yeah, none.
Although it clear for probably could have done one at some point
(10:52):
and been like, I'm a witch.
Or but she wasn't a witch.
That's true. She was a car wheel.
The skirt falls down. Nope. Demon.
That would have been better. Yeah.
And then she does a movie on her hands.
Uh, demon labels.
Demon labial folds.
(11:14):
Demon Majores.
I just look.
I know we talked about the costumes already,
but just I really dug their armor and their capes
and just visually, the whole thing made me think,
what if that witcher show was mildly OK?
Oh, yeah. What if they got a real show runner?
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it could have been great. The witcher.
(11:35):
Oh, the witcher was bad.
Yeah, that's too bad.
I never played the games or anything, so I really had no stakes in it at all.
And everyone's like, well, I don't know.
He's hot. Whatever.
He's big. He's big.
It's a tough one.
Well, to talk about the witcher for a second.
They definitely based the first season on the first book,
which is more of a series of like loosely connected
(11:59):
short stories that kind of give you an idea of what being a witcher and.
But they're all short stories are about.
Gerald. Gerald.
That's how you create a character.
The main characters there.
The drugs they use to make him give him no emotions.
But he has to fuck constantly.
Mm hmm. So it's a crank situation.
Kind of. OK. I can get behind that.
(12:21):
Fantasy crank. Fantasy crank.
Yeah. More veins, less bathwater.
Come on, bring it.
OK, so my favorite thing about this movie is that I think that.
What movie are we talking about again?
Season of the Witch, obviously, 2011.
You think you think they couldn't afford the song?
My favorite part of this movie
(12:41):
is the buddy cop action of Cage and Perlman.
They fucking.
So great. Good.
Like charisma together.
Like I would do a TV show that didn't involve any of this shit.
It's them. Not the Crusades.
That's fucking a lame sort of backdrop for it.
It could be that time frame.
But them being like townie, you know, go town to town,
(13:02):
sort of solve the mystery of whatever is going on.
Sometimes it's a witch.
Sometimes it's I don't know.
So essentially you just want to make the Witcher with these two,
which is what I wanted.
It would be incredible. Yeah, I would watch that. Yeah.
Weirdly enough, the CG in this movie, despite being bad and from 15 years
13 years ago, still better than The Witcher show.
(13:23):
Oof was a bad show. That's rough.
I mean, this is you're right.
It looks pretty good for 2011, but it's pretty bad on the eyes.
It has the generic like like tornado of demons at the end of the film.
Yeah, I will say I did enjoy that like final demon fight
with all of the monks or whatever like coming about and just being like,
(13:45):
OK, I'm fucking evil now and I'm going to I'm going to do a stab spider
climbing up the walls.
Yeah, a lot of drop ins.
Mm hmm. Yeah.
Let's talk about the plague for a minute,
because it seems like it really fucked people up in this movie.
Yeah. And I don't think that's totally how the plague works.
I don't think it was necessarily the play.
It was a play.
It was a play. OK. All right.
(14:06):
Might have been caused by a demon.
Yeah, I think it was pretty.
I mean, they they implied pretty heavily that dealing with this one
particular demon causes plague which lady.
But then which lady does that mean she was already there?
Because she'd been around for a hot minute.
She needed to be taken to the abbey to get the book.
(14:27):
But if she was already there, then didn't she say that she had destroyed
all the other books? Yeah.
Well, she'd been trying to in the abbey was the last.
Abby was the last bastion of it and they were doing copies of it.
Yeah. Wanted to get.
But there had been other copies about and they were all destroyed at this point.
I think it was implied that.
But what I'm saying is like they'd are that demon.
All those monks had already died to the plague.
(14:49):
Right. But she wasn't there.
So how did that?
Yeah. Also, like never mind.
That seemed like a well known like Abby.
So it just seems silly that she didn't just fly her ass over there.
She was in a cage, though.
Which she immediately got out of of her own accord.
Oh, yeah. No, she she definitely just wanted them to take her there.
(15:09):
You know what? It's looked like a long walk.
It did look like a long walk. She had wings.
What what would be cooler, though, than having some dudes drag your ass up there
so you could chill out in style.
Then you get to eat them or kill them or whatever.
I don't know. What do demons do?
She just killed him.
Turn the guy's head around. That's always true.
That is good. And Ron Perlman's death was awesome.
(15:31):
Yeah. Ron Perlman had a good one. Yeah. Fire hug.
Yeah. DeBell's like it was so fast because this movie is really dark.
And I mean, not in concept.
It's just it was really dark.
And, you know, he's doing this incantation to steal her away forever.
And then it's just all of a sudden like, quick. Yep. Head snap.
That's it. Goodbye. DeBell's act. DeBall's act.
(15:53):
DeBall sack. DeBall sack.
We got that. Yeah.
Uh, Christopher Lee.
Fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Fucked up face.
You know, a lot of herpes. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, he eats a peach.
Yeah. We got Michael Douglas.
So Michael Douglas, that's what we were talking about the other day.
(16:13):
Saying that he's still alive.
You got throat cancer from eating too much.
Catherine Zeta Jones.
That's wild. That is wild.
I mean, I I hope it's true.
Only one way to find out for both of their sake.
I mean, really, like happy couple.
Fair. Let's see other characters in here.
There's a I don't know, the like Swedish guy or something. Sure.
(16:38):
So there's like, oh, well, there's the altar boy kid.
Yeah. Who is Klaus from Umbrella Academy.
Oh, was he? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow. I just finished that show the other night.
I was the last season. Yeah.
How was it? I enjoyed it. OK.
I mean, it's all the endings what it is.
But the discord around the Internet is the ending isn't great.
(17:00):
Yeah, it's a little flat, but it's I don't know.
Nothing's been as good as that first season. Correct.
How many times can you just do an apocalypse?
Yeah, I would say four.
Yeah, four would do it.
Or in this movie, one.
Yeah. So there was, you know, him altar boy boy.
(17:21):
Alter boy boy is my favorite sidekick. Yeah.
All right. And then yes, Stephen Graham from Snatch as Haggar, their guide.
Just seems like kind of a cunt.
Yeah, he got eaten by wolves.
Yeah. Yeah. But they were like. Demonic wolves.
Yeah. I was going to say witchy wolves, which sounds better.
But again, she wasn't a witch.
Wasn't a witch. Not a witch.
(17:42):
That opening goes hard, though, when they're like throwing witches
off the bridge and just snapping necks.
Mm hmm. I did want to point this out because the first thought I had was
they hung the witches like snap their necks.
Then drowned them, which overkill, but then left them in the water.
I'm like, that's how you poison your water supply and you're going to get sick.
And then the next like scene you see in the city, it's all plagued up.
(18:02):
I'm like, I fucking told you.
That's right. You put like weird bad people's corpses in the water.
It's like, let's go drink that and wash our clothes in it and shit.
But the problem is, well, I mean, nobody washed anything back then.
The problem was they didn't pull them back out and burn them.
It was the burning they forgot.
Well, it was the incantation that would burn them or incantation that would like.
(18:25):
I mean, you should burn them as well.
Well, yeah, you should exercise them and then burn them.
Yeah, I can't believe how much that fucking dude looks like Peter Stormare, though.
Yeah, he does look like a lot of Peter Stormare.
I took a lot in the forehead.
I did a little Photoshop overlay of the two of them.
I was like, damn, that's close.
What do you think your favorite part of this movie was?
Did I mention the penis helmet?
(18:47):
I mean, you didn't bring up the fact that he should play toad.
He should play toad.
We need a gritty Mario sequel, like fucking 90s live action Mario movie.
Gritty sequel. We get Leguizamo back.
Ron Perlman plays toad.
So who plays Mario?
No, Mario's dead. They're avenging his death.
OK, can we just do Super Mario Brothers
to just an all desert weird shy guy radish? Yes.
(19:12):
Lots of like deep digging in the desert. Yeah. Yeah.
I like that.
I think Ron Perlman is the fastest at it for some reason,
because he's got those big hands.
Yeah, he's sort of a Wreck-It Ralph type.
He would be a great live action Wreck-It Ralph, but like old.
Yes. Retired Wreck-It Ralph. Yeah.
(19:33):
I do like the sword fighting in this movie is like serviceable.
I do enjoy the all right.
We got old guys sword fighting, so we're just going to like show them
like overhead swing, then cut to every angle
that doesn't show their face for cool shit and then finish.
I mean, I like how you say old guy and I'm like, that's how they would feel me.
Yeah. Not saying we're not old.
(19:54):
That was also like 13 years ago.
Old like they were just in their 50s.
Well, Cage was I don't know how old Perlman Perlman.
I mean, he would have now.
Cage would have been in his 40s because he's only 59 now.
That's true. Yeah.
How old are they? Not even that old.
Yeah. Ron Perlman, 45.
But he just lived a hard fucking life.
(20:16):
74. So he would have been 60. Yeah. OK.
I'm not swinging a sword when I'm 60.
Maybe a little sword. I'm not swinging much.
God, he was good as Hellboy.
He was fucking he was the best.
That's my hellboy for sure.
Although that new one looks pretty fucking good.
I'm excited for that.
I think my OK. So back to your question.
Your favorite is just,
well, not the guy from Stranger Things, Stranger Things.
(20:39):
Yeah. He was fine and all, but Stranger Things.
Yeah. So the guy who played Harper.
Yeah. David. Oh, gotcha.
He was the last cowboy.
I lost which conversation we were having. Yeah.
I'm not helping. OK.
So your favorite Hellboy is
the one at the end of the movie where they fight all the monks.
Ron Perlman. Yeah. Gotcha.
(21:01):
And then Nicolas Cage gets stabbed with the wingtips. Oh, yeah.
That was a pretty cool.
Like if I was a demon and I was fighting somebody,
I would stab them with my wingtips.
This movie does have a lot of like I'm like, I want to steal that for D&D.
Yeah, it's cool.
I had never thought about that.
You know, points on the wingtips.
You literally have a weapon.
It's a weapon.
Just like it whipping around into his back was pretty fucking gnarly.
(21:24):
Yeah. Yeah.
And I like that he does not survive the film.
Yeah, he does not.
He does get to give like all shucks kids go on and have a good life.
Kind of a speech.
But it was convenient that the demon didn't just take human form,
but actually possess somebody what for there to be somewhat of a happy ending.
Because I was confused by that at the end where it's like, oh, so there
(21:45):
she was a person. Right.
And I'm sure that she and Kay lived to be a ripe old 37 years old.
Yeah. Well, demons do need some kind of vessel to come in,
like most literature, right?
Like they need to possess somebody.
But why didn't it bust out?
That's what possession is all about.
It was about to bust, man.
Maybe it just needed like a little more edging.
(22:08):
Yeah. Had to get near that church.
Mm hmm. Maybe about the best.
Maybe it's no good in like open world combat has to do close quarter.
OK. They were in that kind of sweet dome.
So my favorite scene was the bridge scene.
Me too. Getting over that bridge.
Oh, yeah. That was really cool.
It was tense.
I love that everybody had some kind of hand wrappings except for the priest.
(22:31):
And like, he's like, oh, my hands are all bleeding up.
Well, he got stabbed in the hand.
Yeah, but he was also needs that he should probably have more hand wrap.
Yeah, I did notice that too.
I'm like, why is it like, why is no one giving the guy with the bloody handed glove?
Also, maybe Nick Cage, you're not holding the rope like give him your gloves.
Well, I mean, if you give him a glove, like really,
that just opens you up for an infection.
(22:52):
This time of the world, he was going to die of an infection regardless.
They weren't going to boil that glove.
Yeah. Infection being head turning.
What do you think? That's Roman.
What do you think?
Pearlman drank from that flask? Oh, no, I guess it was cage.
You drank it. What do you think they were drinking?
It was a prominent flask.
Yeah. But what was it?
Liquor. Yeah, I think.
What's like 13th century liquor?
(23:13):
Some type of mash, I'm assuming.
It sounds horrid.
I did like their cockiness when they were in the Crusades.
Sorry, three local.
We hadn't evolved to four.
I was going to say they probably didn't have that many locals.
Yeah.
I did like through the Crusades.
They tried to show the passage of time through the like Crusades montage
(23:34):
by like adjusting the length of their beards.
Yeah, they adjusted their costumes and stuff.
That's how you get mushroom head. Yeah.
So I loved mushroom head.
Nick Cage's helmet was dumb. I did not like that.
Yeah, agreed.
Also, I like how whenever they like swang their swords around.
Swang, swang the sword and dang and swang the sword.
(23:55):
But they'd like they'd whack people and like people go flying.
Oh, yeah.
Whacking and swang and swang and and whack and
dang and swacking.
They're their fights were great in the Crusades.
I liked their buddiness of like, you know, whoever kills less has to buy
and buys the drinks.
Yeah, I'll take the 300 on the left.
(24:17):
You take the 300 on the right.
Then who will buy? Oh, you're still buying.
It was very gimly and I really enjoyed them when they weren't.
I really enjoyed their banter when they weren't in like a fantasy movie.
Yeah, when it was just like two dudes in like dresses talking.
Yeah, so good.
Like when they were in prison and they're just like in their dirty robes.
(24:41):
I love that. Yeah.
Yeah, there's not like a lot of good quotes from this,
but, you know, that's the one where Pearlman's like,
what's that smell in case just goes you?
That was a good one.
I did like how when they were making their demands to take the
the witch to the abbey to the monastery,
they could like, I want her to have a fair trial and like walks away
(25:03):
and run from it's like, and we we get off.
We get out of here.
Yeah, like we're we're also good. Yeah.
Yeah, Nicholas Cage's character was definitely more.
I wouldn't say pious, but like moral.
And I did enjoy the contrast of Ron Perlman's just like,
oh, I'm just here for a good time.
(25:23):
Yeah. Or like the story cage tells about Ron Perlman
signing up for the crusades when he was talking to the priest.
And he's like, oh, you know, like how much absolution do I get?
Or how much how many years do I need to serve for adultery?
How many years for thievery?
Better just sign me up for 20 then.
(25:46):
That was pretty good.
Filson's the best character without a doubt.
Yeah. He's the best in everything.
Yeah, he is the best boy.
What are we even doing here anymore? Who cares?
So Cage's performance overall, I mean, the accent's bad.
What do you think of it across the board?
That's it's just it's serviceable. It's there.
Yeah, it's just what it is.
(26:06):
I mean, this is not a high quality film.
No, but it's a very enjoyable film.
Yes. Yeah. So he.
I would rank it slightly better than Prince of Persia Sands of Time.
Hmm. So he lost the Razzie Award for worst actor.
Oh, did you guys look anything up on this?
(26:26):
No, not a thing.
Do you want to guess who won worst actor?
2011, 2011.
It's a very famous person.
2011. Give me one true performance and three not true.
Like, well, I'm not going to.
Was it for a big movie?
Like four movies.
It was definitely a movie that they.
It was definitely a movie.
(26:47):
Their production company funded this movie, as they often do.
Major comedic actor from our, you know, 1990s, mid 90s youth.
Was it Adam Sandler?
It is an Adam Sandler.
Is it Jack and Jill?
Yes, it is Jack and Jill.
Nicely done. Well, Jack and Jill.
What's a Jack and Jill?
I haven't seen that one.
(27:08):
Adam Sandler sleeps with a fucking Scarface.
Really? I've never seen this one.
What's why can I remember Serpico's name?
Al Pacino, Pacino.
Al Pacino wants to sleep with Adam Sandler, who plays his like Adam Sandler.
And his twin plays his twin sister.
I think we finally broke neck.
(27:28):
No, I'm just working on logistics here.
They cloned Adam Sandler as a woman for this film.
Mm hmm. And it is played by Al Pacino.
No, it's played by Adam Sandler.
But Al Pacino is in the movie in a fat suit
and wants to sleep with Adam Sandler's sister.
Did Adam Sandler get the Razzie for his performance as dude
(27:49):
Adam Sandler or Lady Adam Sandler?
Well, it was the actor.
So I assume that Jack got the Razzie and Jill did.
All right. He's an actor regardless.
I want to know.
You can also call women actors actors.
I mean, they differentiate it because of that.
Sexism is a particular thing.
If you want to be gender neutral, use Actron.
(28:11):
Yeah, it's a robot.
That is the actual gender neutral. Is it?
Yeah, that's Actron.
Dumb. Yeah, that is a robot and I like that better.
Yeah. Ah, so the best Actron.
No, I don't know.
Who else was up for a Razzie's out here?
So wait, Lady Adam Sandler tried to sleep with Al Pacino.
Al Pacino tried to sleep with Lady Adam Sandler.
(28:33):
Yeah, you've got the measure of it.
What was the attraction?
Tell me more about Jack and Jill.
I don't know.
I've only like that's all I've just make up something for me.
So the tagline I'll just describe the poster for you.
It's oh, yeah.
So tell me the poster poster,
you know, a banner across that says Adam Sandler is Jack and Jill.
(28:56):
And then in the top half of it, it's Adam Sandler going.
OK, that's great for this audio format.
And on the bottom, it's Jill going.
Oh, OK. Peter Grimist and then smiled.
And the tagline is his twin sister is coming for the holidays.
How's it spelled?
The normal way. Sorry, this isn't.
See you at my end.
You got the normal.
(29:17):
Yeah, it depends on like how what you Google for being normal.
It's twin sister is coming.
Wow. Busted.
And then the lower half says dot dot dot.
And it ain't pretty.
So he's a squirter.
I am so aroused right now.
(29:37):
OK. So I was a matter of Sean.
Come back next episode when we watch Jack and Jill.
I like how this this episode isn't coming out for like a couple months.
Yeah. Yeah, it'll be a while.
But yeah, I'm going to listen.
I'm going to this is going to come out.
So many spiders in my house by the time this comes out.
Holy fuck. OK.
So I'm just going to read you the last sentence of the synopsis of this movie.
(30:01):
OK, but you know, ultimately disapproves of Jack's agency commercial,
which features him rapping and instructs Jack to destroy all iterations of it.
I don't want to know if it's Pacino rapping or Jack rapping.
I just want to.
Does Pacino play Pacino?
Mm hmm. Yes.
I love because he's he's hired to do a Dunkin Donuts commercial.
(30:22):
I love the 100% out of context
combination of the words Jack and rapping.
Just Jack rapping Jack rapping.
That's a rap battle.
I don't know if I'd want to attend.
I would.
I'd go to Al Pacino's rap battle.
(30:42):
Will you go to Jack Battle, though?
Adam Pacino's rap battle.
Jack Battle. Not as Jack Battle.
You don't want to do that.
It's a Jack battle between Pacino and Sting. Oh, no.
My money's going so long.
Mine has a fiery finish.
You need to go to a doctor.
Where do you think I got it?
(31:04):
I got to stop finding doctors in alleyways.
They're cheap and they're available, but man.
Oh, man.
I don't know. What do you guys think?
Any other any other thoughts on this actual movie?
What movie are we talking about again?
Season the Witch 2011.
I couldn't tell you scene to scene how this movie played out.
I just remembered I was entertained the whole time.
(31:25):
Yeah, I mean, I could give you a roundabout of it, but there's a witch.
There's a witch and they get out of jail to take the witch to the witching school.
Everybody else in their party kind of dies.
Well, almost everybody except for Klaus.
And it would have taken the probably less time
(31:46):
because it took them what three days to get there?
Oh, no. Three movie days.
I'm trying to remember. They said it was like three or four days.
Either way, probably would have been faster to send one guy on a fast horse
to get the book and then come back.
I don't think they knew that the book was the objective.
Yeah, they did.
No, they were going to go to have the witch on trial.
Then when they got there, they found everyone doing the book shit.
And they were like, oh, the Book of Solomon.
(32:07):
But no, they know they they still knew they needed the book to like cast the spell.
Yeah, I think on the right of it that they were sending her to the abbey
because of the book.
Oh, because they had the book.
And that's why she wanted to go. Right.
I should have just gotten that fucking book. Yeah.
I think it was more than like three days.
I think it was a size.
I mean, three days in a fantasy world.
(32:30):
It wasn't that that's like Burian.
They say they say the they say it's like how many they say how far it is.
And it's like three or four days. It's not long.
They should have packed more booze.
They should have had more everything.
It was a bad ass flask, though.
It was a cool fly that spikes.
Yeah, it's like flask.
My flask is monogrammed.
It says Dave on it. Nice.
I got it at Goodwill and I'm really happy to have a Dave flask.
(32:53):
Mine is monogrammed and it has a Batman logo on it.
It says Bums. I like that. Yeah.
Dave, we aren't monogram supposed to be your initials.
Well, I don't know. It was engraved.
Oh, had a name on it. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, how do you know his initials aren't D.A.V.E.?
Yeah. Darryl Allen Veranda.
(33:16):
We're going to end on Veranda.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you for listening.
I don't even know.
This is a weird one.
We're going to we're going to sprinkle these in here
because we're hurting for content because we're getting towards the end of the thing.
We're not hurting for content.
We just we also just want some breaks for our lives.
That's why we record these things months in advance.
(33:38):
I've just got all these movies I want to talk about.
Yeah, there's good shit out there.
We're going to talk more about weird fucking cage shit.
I'm like a stone's throw away from owning all the Nicolas Cage movies
except for the animated shit.
So we know what to get you for Christmas.
Not going to do it.
You just burn them.
No, probably toxic fumes around you take a picture.
(33:59):
You're just like, this is right.
I'll pawn them for vintage pornography.
OK, that's every time you come over to my house and you see like a 1983
playboy on the like coffee table.
I'll know I helped. Yeah. Yeah.
All right. That was the crudes.
Yeah.
Now, I assume to get that kind of porno, you just like put a box
(34:20):
of weird, loose, Nick Cage DVDs out somewhere.
You have to put them under a bridge.
Yeah. And you come back later and you just find like 1981 March Playboy.
Yeah. Yeah. All right.
That's pretty fucking tight.
That's a good system.
So I was doing so
I was doing a job down in Tacoma the other last week.
And I found a hobo nest behind my job site and there was a job
(34:44):
a book like in the hobo nest
like the basically the trials and tribulations of fatherhood.
And my my apprentice was getting married this the weekend
after this, and I was like, oh, man, you should totally grab that book.
He's like, maybe I should.
(35:05):
And then we came back the next day and all the rest of the trash
was still there, but that one book was gone.
So I'm assuming the hobos were listening.
Oh, yeah. They knew what treasure was. Yeah.
Speaking of treasure.
Thank you for listening.
You can find us on social media at Cage underscore match underscore pod
or on Patreon if you feel like giving us money to make us do more of this.
(35:28):
If you give us enough money, we'll stop doing this.
We could. Yeah. It's got to be a big amount.
Yeah. Enough to kill enough to kill a rhinoceros.
Yeah. Or be Nicolas Cage.
So special thanks to our sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam
and Bill got there and to our cage dancers, Ira, John Freeman, Lance,
Nathan and Cameron.
(35:50):
You can find us on Patreon at Cage match if you want to do that.
Veranda, if you ever want to see how much money it takes to choke me to death,
just start donating.
But it all has to be like at one time,
because otherwise I'm a start swallowing and you can't stop me
once I start swallowing.
(36:12):
You just keep saying I'm about to bust.
It'll sound like, oh, well, well, bye.
Bye.
Bye. Bye.
So I'm taking Rico to get his vasectomy tomorrow.
(36:34):
Oh, perfect. Yeah.
He was wondering like you hear.
He did not know you needed somebody to drive.
You're a better friend than I.
Well, he definitely was going deep into the coffers for people to give him a ride.
Yeah. I was going to say, wait, I'm not I'm not like number two on his call sheet.
I you probably place lower than you.
You probably missed his call.
(36:55):
That's all it was, Sean.
He got to me and I was like, you know what?
I got you, buddy.
Yeah, you've you've gone through this.
Well, he's getting it snipped. I'm going to go buy a pack of peas.
And I'll have that just set on the seat for him.
Now, boil them.
A bag of boiled peas like frozen peas in a hot bag.
Yeah. Pull a Hayden.
(37:16):
That's a Hayden style for sure.
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