August 17, 2023 • 36 mins
In this episode of Infinite Quest, Cate and Erik sit down to dicuss one of the worst feelings in the world: that nagging feeling of "was I supposed to be somewhere?" For both Cate and Erik this week, that answer is yes. We discuss that feeling, and how to combat it, along with the wicked case of the yips we developed after our mid-summer break.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:07):
Let me get the rocks out. Why do you have rocks 'cause I
was using the slingshot. Where do you have a pocketful of
rocks 'cause I have it was usingthe slingshot.
Well, don't. Put 'em on the desk.
Why do you have frosty nails with your rocks 'cause that one,
I don't know, actually don't. Put 'em my nails, don't put 'em
back in my. Pocket.
Yeah, you know what? That's fine.
Just don't move around. So your rocks rock.
(00:30):
You sound like a bag of change. I am a bag of change.
Gay, you sound like. A coin purse?
Yeah, I just really like Gandhi,dude.
You know what I'm trying to be? The change that I want to see in
the world. Fuck you.
Hi everybody. It's me, Katie.
The Source put a look on your face.
Yes. Hi.
Hello. It's me.
Hey dude. And welcome back.
To another thrilling episode of Infinite Quest.
(00:58):
Infinite Quest God. You know when you go to like a
music show and there's like a guitarist or something who just
keeps playing, They're like doing a solo.
But it's like too long and they well, they're doing a solo and
then like they'll go like and they.
Do it like, but they don't know where to go with from that, so
they just keep doing that over and over.
First off, every time. If that ever happens, you should
(01:19):
whisper to the person next to you.
If you're with that person, somebody's about to go woo.
Because you know what, Katie? Somebody always goes woo woo.
It's awkward. And then somebody has to break
the silence. So they go woo to be like, yeah,
they're just so passionate anyways.
That's hilarious, I almost said Whoo, while you were doing an
infinite quest bit, but then I realized without context it
(01:39):
wouldn't wouldn't mean. Anything that's great.
That was a good context, Good context.
Rick Flair, Hi, how are you doing?
I'm pretty good. We just got done working at it.
We went to a library today we. Did what?
We can't tell the people we werewe were at the library working.
It was cool. On Something and the podcasts
(02:00):
Taze Podcast Adventure SMP available anywhere just for
context it's it's D&D what it's set in the Minecraft world so
our friend Tay is D Ming it and they wrote like DM but it's in
the world of Minecraft so it's like a mixture of DM or a
dungeon. D&D and Minecraft mechanics it's
great but we've been off for like a month or so they're
(02:20):
taking a break and I have missedour recording sessions.
We we've done like 30 something episodes and I've missed like 7
recording sessions, which is a lot.
I mean, that's fine, I'll accepttotally fine.
But anyways, it just feels weirdcuz we actually don't have
anything scheduled, but still do.
You do you miss 1:00 today? No, we haven't had one in like a
(02:41):
month or so. Also, today's Thursday.
Yeah, still every week I should say every week I should say
I'll, I'll go like, oh shit, oh,that's right.
We don't have anything. That's OK.
I am so used to that as a part of my life.
I had a thing today that I you did, yeah.
And I thankfully shout out to Dustin if you know who you are,
(03:03):
if it's you. But I was supposed to have a
meeting today and I was really, really excited about it.
And then I got or no, I was I I thought I should tell the story
better. I thought I had a meeting
tomorrow. Tomorrow at 3:00.
It was not tomorrow, it was today.
So I stood Dustin up and he sat at the restaurant waiting for
(03:23):
his like at a restaurant. He was like at a place, like he
like got in his car and went to a place and thankfully he was
really, really nice about it andreally kind and was honestly
just like messaged me and was like, hey, are you okay?
And I was like, oh God, it was today.
And he was really understanding.He's like, dude, I have ADHD
too. Like, it's not a big deal like
I've done it before, but it's the worst.
Fucking feeling in the entire world.
(03:44):
Like I work so hard. I work so hard to make that not
happen. And then but it's it's you
talked about. It's it's like that 100% relapse
rate. It doesn't matter how hard you
try. It doesn't matter how many
systems you put in place. There is going to be that day
where you forget and then you'relike and none of that work
(04:06):
mattered because it's still and I was like.
I've been so better about it. I've been.
I've been really good about my cat, like I'm so frustrated with
myself. And it was like it was a me.
Like, it was like a hangout. Like, I like him.
I think he's cool. And so I was like, oh, I get to
hang out. With this cool guy.
Who does cool stuff? And I want to talk about cool
things with this cool dude and then no, fuck you.
(04:28):
I was at the library trying to access a journal article, but
apparently our library does not believe exists.
Yeah, that's the thing that levers usually do, right?
That I like. Login to I cannot.
But I'm so mad at myself. But yeah, but again, he was
like, super nice about it. And then that somehow makes me
feel worse. Well, if he wasn't like, you
piece of shit, I never want to work with you ever again, I'd be
(04:48):
like, oh, I deserve that. But I said he was like, hey,
don't worry. Well, we're scheduled.
I was like, I also felt like, atleast the way that I think about
it, about myself, is like, I'm not the victim here.
Like the people. I stand up.
Oh yeah. You know, like, which is not
saying that's what you were saying.
No. Like it was but.
No, I just feel bad because it'slike, I respect the shit out of
him, you know what I mean? And I was like, fuck.
And yeah, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to imply that you
(05:09):
that's what you were saying. No, no, you're Okay.
But it's. And I think that's part, part of
why it sucks so much when peopleare so nice about it, because
like, no, like, don't, you know,don't try to make me feel
better. I did the shitty thing, you
know, Which is, you know, it's great when people are nice, but
it's like you want that second shoe to drop, but there isn't
(05:29):
one. And so it's just like all the
time. Like, oh God, yeah, but then.
Do you also do the thing though,where then you feel like you got
your one? Oh yeah.
And it's like, if you ever screwanything up, if you do it again,
well, friendship over forever, you know what I mean?
Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
I mean, there's a So my dad missed a call Goud.
He was a professor at Michigan State University for like 10
(05:50):
years, and he has very severe ADHD.
And he was late to a bunch of shit all the time.
And then like in his eighth yearor something like that, late,
late, you know, after he'd been there for many years, he was
late to some meeting. It was like a big board room
meeting thing. And he comes in and he goes, oh,
you know, sorry, you know, the usual, whatever.
And then after a guy named Bob came up to him, and I don't
(06:16):
remember what he said specifically but said something
along the lines of like, you know, it's not okay that you do
that. You know, like we we deal with
it because what else are we supposed to do?
But like it's not okay that you do that.
It's annoying, you know? And he's he's charming and
delightful and funny, so nobody wants to be mad at him, you
know? But at some, you know you are
doing a shitty thing. You know, like it's not okay to
(06:37):
do that. And I've only ever I've that.
I think that's kind of real. That dread that comes from
missing a thing is knowing that you're putting a you, you might
be putting a lot of emotional labor on somebody else's plate
because they they have an inconvenience.
Great. Like, there's no way around it.
(06:57):
They got in their car. They went to the place, they
went to the meeting, they sat that like, you greatly
inconvenienced them. But nobody wants to have to be
an asshole. Nobody wants to be mad at
somebody else or just. Plus it's not their job to like,
try to tell you that, you know, like if if somebody did say to
you like, hey, you know I forgive you because you know,
did what Bob did. Like we we move on and we
(07:19):
forgive you because we like you.But like, you know, fucking stop
it. They'd be doing you a favor.
Like they don't have to do that.It's not their responsibility to
like tell you how big of a deal that is.
So usually they'll do the thing that is less emotional labor
which is go yeah, it's all right.
Don't worry. You know the nice thing.
But it's like if I've, you know,it's almost like a
falsifiability thing where I don't believe that they're not
(07:40):
mad because they would have to be so mad to act as such, you
know. So I don't know it's it's it's
almost worse because it's like Iknow that they're they're doing
the work of suppressing like their anger for the.
Sake of being kind. Being kind, which is really
nice. I mean, social contract and all,
like you couldn't, you could, you shouldn't just like yell at
people for being late all you know?
But if you're consistently like I'm like Tay would be well
(08:02):
within the rights to be like heyEric, fucking stop it.
You know like I can hear in their voice like not in there
but just in their tone of like whatever like that it's it's
weighing on them and they put somuch work into it and it's you
know like I I show up only once has it ever been like I
literally cannot like I'm at theairport you know.
But they would be well in the rights to do that and it just
(08:24):
sucks knowing that I'm that fucking guy ultimately.
Like unless that guy now than I hopefully was like 2 years ago.
I don't know. I just.
I don't know. It's hard to because I feel like
it could be really easy to listen to you talking about that
and being like, oh what a selfish piece of shit you know
me or? You like at least seven?
(08:46):
That's so it's. Like I would fire you.
I can. I can think of four, but I know
that either. But it's it's that it's.
How do you contextualize the experience of like?
No. But really, it stopped existing,
you know what I mean? And like, for me, it was just a
silly thing where Dustin was like, hey, meeting up.
(09:09):
And I was like, yeah, 2:00, it'll be amazing or 3:00 or
whatever. But in I looked, I was like, but
not today. It's tomorrow.
And so I looked at my tomorrow schedule and I was like, yeah, I
can totally make that work. And it was just a mistake that I
made, you know? But it's like that.
Like, I don't know, like. But it's it's real though, you
know? And like, that's the thing that
(09:29):
I get frustrated about because II think there's so much of that
tendency to say, oh, that's justan excuse.
You're just not trying hard enough.
You're just being lazy. And it's like, no, it's it's I
don't know how time. It works.
And then you live here that and then you go, well, be better, do
better, get a watch. And it's like I have and I have
bought a planner and then I bought another planner because I
(09:50):
lost the first planner and then I only use the second planner
for two days and then I put it down and I lost it, you know?
And it's like how? Do you?
Talk about that experience. How do you, how do you quantify
that experience to people who don't live with that experience?
And it can be really hard, whichis why I'm only friends with
people. I mean it's it's there's the the
(10:13):
it's I don't think it's it's a paradox.
I want to say paradox, but I don't think it is.
But the the unsolvable problem of of forgetfulness, because you
you cannot remember to not forget something.
Forgetting by nature is a passive process.
It's just is something that happens unbeknownst to you like
you cannot. Like I think of the the the
Harry Potter fucking thing with the remembrole and he says
(10:35):
trouble is I can't remember whatI've forgotten, Like you can't
remember something that you forgot.
If you could, you would not haveforgotten, you know.
I just remember what? Fuck turfs.
Haha. I was gonna say I was like.
God damn it. Why?
God damn it, why could you she just be a fucking regular cool
person who has regular compassionate views on things?
(10:55):
It's so not hard to not be shitty.
Sorry. It's OK.
I just get mad because no, we can't.
I mean, you like Harry Potter more than I do.
I just can't use it as a source of analogies sometimes.
But. I'm still.
I'm still betrayed. Could you imagine if like Bill
by the Science guy or something or like that would suck?
Anyway, this. Is the last guy?
Actually guys, I think about it.The earth is flat, but yeah, you
(11:20):
can't remember not to forget something.
So like you know the fix for like dates and stuff is writing
it down somewhere where you willsee it.
I mean there's all sorts of strategies for like, you know,
putting things on a door on, youknow, that is all that you have
to open frequently so you see itor putting something on the
fridge or putting something to shut like wherever that location
is for you. There are ways to like make that
work better. But if you forget to write it
(11:43):
down, you can't like before it'sconcrete.
Once it's written down, then it's like, OK, there's
strategies. You can make sure that that
written down thing or you know, otherwise logged however you do
it, you know string around your finger like you're there
strategies to make sure that that works.
But if you between when you makethe appointment and writing it
down, if you forget to do that, then you're just kind of fucked.
(12:06):
And you, you know, the strategy is to do it immediately.
Like that's, you know, just write it down immediately.
But let's say you're like in a conversation in the car or
something and like they're on the phones, they're on the car
speakers or when they're like, yeah, sure, let's do Thursday.
At what? Like, you know, you can't.
You're driving on the highway orwhatever, you know?
And the only way to not forget it is to just repeatedly say it
(12:27):
over and over in your head. Anyways, I just, I just think
that the paradox of forgetfulness is is is hard to
describe and talk about because it just has this weird and
effable nature to it. Where you cannot, it is you
cannot deliberately not forget something.
You can have something that reminds you when you do forget,
which is, you know, the way to go.
But also I'm going to like another another gear of it.
(12:51):
Is a lot of mine comes from people pleasing?
I'll say yes to stop because I want to be good.
I want to be like, I would love to do that cool thing and then
realize I can't for whatever reason I do that.
That just happened again with Tay at Gencon.
I said that it would be in their, their live show.
Sorry Tay, because we discussed it a while ago and they're like,
(13:12):
we're doing anything. And they set a time.
And I was like, yeah. And then, you know, two weeks
beforehand, I was like, oh, shit, that's at the same time as
this other thing that I have to do.
But I am like, getting paid for.Like, I can't.
So I think that, like, realizing, am I saying yes
because I want to be able to be there or because I can actually
be there? Yeah.
Like at some point it's like, unkind to just say yes.
(13:33):
I don't know. I'm shitty yet.
It's OK. I don't know.
It's the thing that I also get hung up on is that there is a
0%. Like margin of error, you either
show up or you don't. You know what I mean?
And it's like it was, you know, like today was a really good
example because you know, doesn't was like oh you know,
(13:55):
like well we're still here. We're still like hanging out.
So if you want to come, but I'm like it's an hour and 15 minutes
away and I have a game later. So by the time I got in my car
and drove there, I would be ableto be there for like 45 minutes
and then I have to turn around and I'm like that's.
Like, I could and I almost did. And then I had to be like,
actually, that's saying yes, youknow, and so like, you know, and
(14:20):
we just rescheduled and it was fine.
But it's like that. Well, you're just making
excuses. You're just making excuses.
Or, you know, you should take better care or whatever.
But then there's that moment of like, and I've done everything
in my human power to not screw up, but I still screwed up.
And so none of that work mattered.
And it's so frustrating and I never know.
(14:41):
What to do about it? I mean, I think you made a joke
earlier that like all of your friends also have ADHD, but I
think we, like humans, gravitatetowards having people in our
lives that are complimentary to who the fuck we are.
Like we can't always do that. You know you can't control who
your bus driver is or whatever the fuck.
(15:04):
But you know the people who are really in our lives.
Like if if that was a huge thingfor a person to be like if we
stay, it is fucking, that's the time.
You know the reason I'm not friends with a lot of those
people is because we just don't let like I maybe I did that and
then they were like and they stopped inviting me to shit or
whatever. Like there's sort of a filter of
(15:25):
like the people you end up beingaround or the people who are
complimentary to your your whatever.
And like, I don't know. Like, for me, I'm, I'm good at,
I think, well, empathy. I think I'm good at not making
assumptions about a person's motives.
So I end up being friends with alot of people who this is
(15:46):
especially true in the cooking industry who most people find
really unpleasant because they don't put a lot of thought into
how that might be coming off. You know, like it's it.
It's really easy to assume that they meant something shitty by
it. But I made a practice over the
years of never assuming malice and will say I have a good
reason to. And so I end up being really
good friends with, like people are often thought to be like,
(16:06):
really, you know, assholes. But it's like, no, they're not
an asshole. They just don't deliberately
word things such to make other people not think they're an
asshole, you know, They just sayexactly what they mean, you
know? But anyway, so I think we, we,
you know, all of our temperaments, have their
complimentary type of person to hang out with, you know?
I think I'm always also really surprised by, like, the
generosity of other people, likeI spent so long being a
(16:29):
perfectionist and like, not allowing myself to make
mistakes. And so like, there's like this
phenomenon that happens where like something like this will
happen and I'm like, I am a terrible, shitty person.
I'm a bad friend. I've blown this chance to work
with this really cool person whoI really wanted to work with.
That bridge is burned or whatever.
(16:50):
And then I send the shameful like, hey man, I thought it was
tomorrow and okay. Yeah, it's fine, you know, And
like even with like, like deadlines and stuff, something
like, don't. You know, your results may vary
for things like college professors, but even like,
auditions and stuff where I've been like, oh, like, you know,
it was due today at noon, but you know, it's today at 5:00 and
(17:12):
I've just now got done with it because time blindness, Like a
lot of times companies don't care.
Like they're just like, just, yeah, just send it, you know?
And so, like, I think. It can be really easy to
catastrophize because of a lifetime of feeling that
internal sense of failure and fuck up in this.
(17:33):
But like in reality like I thinkpeople are generally if you're
not like out there burning your bridges constantly and like
really not taking anything seriously, they're willing to
give you a little bit of grace. You know, I think that's that's
kind of the hard part of the of the like being clinically late
to shit and clinically forgetful.
It's like I think of this one. I think I've told you this story
(17:55):
maybe. But this story from when I was
working as a pizza guy, pizza chef.
I was making wood fired pizza and a place called Benchmark
Pizzeria in Kensington, CA. You should go there.
But so I was a pizza guy. So my job was to man the oven,
basically. So there was one person named
chef Nick. This is basically a story about
how I one of the one of the morebrutal punch to the face fuck
(18:20):
ups that I've ever made. Like in a professional setting
where I fucked something up and there was just no way around,
like I just fucked that up. But so I was working for a name,
Chef Nick, who was my favorite chef I've ever worked for.
He's delightful. Actually, most a lot of people
found him to be kind of unpleasant because again, he
just didn't. But if you can assume that he's
not mad at you and he just, you know, whenever, then he's great.
(18:41):
But anyways, he was working Expoand stretching dough.
So his job was figuring out whatgets fired when calling.
Whereas he was the chef and he would also usually stretch the
dough. We would, well, we both would.
And so he would stretch dough, lay them on the table or we both
stretch dough. We would both build them as
quickly as we can. And then I would fire them.
Literally, I would put them in the oven and literally 1000
(19:02):
degrees in there. So about 60 seconds later
they're done. And that's a that was a hell of
a game. I got off on that game that was
for five straight hours, just like having four timers in my
head. But there were short timers.
That's the thing. If there were 15 minute timers
over the fucked, but the timers were like you know, accountable
amount of time, it was right there.
But anyways, so we're slammed one night Saturday.
(19:23):
Just go fucking mode, Just absolute go mode.
And at this point I was pretty good at my job.
I mean I got better over time, but I was solid at the time.
And anyways, we fire pizza and Iburn it.
It happens. You know it's 1000 reason there.
You leave it in there for an extra 4 seconds and it's in the
wrong spot. It fucking burns immediately.
So I burned it. And you know in that situation
(19:46):
there's no way around. You just have to say I burned it
because you know any moment you hesitate is makes the fuck up
worse. So you just, I burned you know
the whatever and make another one and he kind of goes OK and
he then we build another one. I fired again and then I burned
that one. I burned the fucking second one
too. And I remember thinking like it
(20:08):
was the bottom of it, too. So, like, I had to, like, lift
it up to sea. And I was like, playing.
I was like, oh, my God. Like, I burned one pizza like a
month at that point in my career.
So I was like, I was rock. So I burning two in a row, would
be, like, laughably bad. And I pulled it out and I like,
lifted up. And it was burned.
It was right in the line. It was like, one of those things
was just over. But like, you know, professional
pride, like, I'm not going to serve it.
It's not right. And so I turned and it was like,
(20:31):
Nick. I burned it again.
And he turns and he looks at me,but this just like, what the
fuck is, you know? OK, all right, You know, like,
let's go, You know? But we're all on go.
He doesn't have time to be mad. Nobody.
It's just go. But I could see in his eyes he
was just like, what are you doing?
Like, what the hell? So we make it again.
(20:53):
And so it's in the oven. And it's everything's going
fine. I'm going.
And I don't know how it happened, Katie, but I turned
around and I burned the fucking third one too.
Louise feet secondhand, deeply. Yeah, it was it was bad.
I like, undeniably like you could smell it.
I don't know what happened. I just got.
(21:15):
I was so fucked. Like thrown you.
Were like thrown off. Yeah.
Like yeah. I didn't notice I smelled
burning 1st and turned around and then I nick like it's all.
I almost feel like you thought it was a prank at that point.
Like it was like is it my birthday?
Like what's happening And I go, I fucking burned it again and he
actually stopped what he was doing and just turned like
(21:36):
shoulder turn. So he was squared to me and just
looks at me and goes just sort of like bites his like just the
swear words that must he was a really nice guy.
He never lost his cool ever. Not even got.
He never got close but I could just see by like the curling of
his lips you know that he was just like what the fuck?
And then he turned, didn't say anything.
Turned back and just goes, OK, he goes here and he goes and
(21:59):
maybe this time don't burn the fucking pizza like he's in the
customer. He's 5 feet away from customers
like it was an open kitchen. Anyways, that was one of my and
I did the 4th one was great. But anyways, that is to say
that, like that's when my blood starts to curdle.
It's it's not when I'm do it thefirst time, you know, it's like,
(22:21):
OK, like that sucks. Well shit, sorry second time
hurts. Second time is like, oh shit,
they probably are like, Jesus, this guy's fucking late, but
it's like the 5th fucking time, you know?
Then it's like they didn't even,you know, like, I mean I'm
putting words in their mouth. I don't know how they feel
because I'm not them. But like that fifth time when
(22:42):
you get the text that says like,hey, are you coming?
And you're like it, you know, onthe toilet, at home or whatever.
You know, wearing your, your, you know, just boxers or
something and you have to be that guy fucking again and just
take it to the face. Like, what do you do?
I can't teleport there. You know I'll be on my way.
Like that's the one that really curls my blood.
(23:03):
Because then it's not like, oh, you know, once is unfortunate, 2
is coincidence, 3 is for show, atrend, 4-5.
Then it starts to feel like commentary on your character.
Like clearly it's a problem for me to remember shit.
The fact that my brain sucks like that is not my fault, but
the fact that I apparently haven't figured the fuck out how
(23:24):
to make that not happen, like that's when when it really
starts to hurt me. I don't mind when it happens the
first time I talked to, when it happens the second time, but and
I'm, I'm generally pretty good at it.
But occasionally it'll happen where I just this one thing I
just can't remember it, consistently can't remember it.
It's a doctor's appointment. Who gives a shit like, I mean go
to your doctor's appointment, but like the doctors that care
(23:44):
but when it's persons. Anyways, I just talked for a
really long time, but yeah, it'sthose fourth and fifth times.
It hurts. The thing that I absolutely hate
the most is. That moment of, like, I'm
sitting on the toilet in my boxers and then like, oh shit, I
have to, like, now immediately drop everything that I was
(24:06):
doing. I have to throw on some clothes.
I have to find my shoes. I have to like, you know, that
like, panic moment of now I haveto get ready for this thing.
And like, that was what I was literally just about to do, that
I was just about to jump in the car and be like, fuck it, I'll
just panic drive an hour. But I was like, I can't.
(24:27):
Like, I can't. I just can't, you know.
But like a lot of times I would.But like that is such and that's
like, such a like dysregulating feeling of like, I'm late and
then, you know, like every stoplight you hit, you're
feeling that time and you're feeling that time.
And then, you know, especially like Atlanta traffic, you're
sitting in traffic and you're like, I'm later and later and
later. Like it's, that is.
(24:48):
My least favorite feeling in theworld.
Like, I don't have actors, nightmare nightmares where it's
like, oh, I'm the actor and I'm not prepared.
It's, I have. I'm late for rehearsal I guess.
Like, I forgot about rehearsal, but like, I'll learn my lines.
But, you know, like, but like forgetting that you're in a
show. Like, oh God damn the worst.
(25:10):
I mean it kind of brings you like the idea that you know, we
talk about systems a lot in the show, but like systems that help
an ADHD person, a lot of them are preventing a fuck up from
happening, writing stuff down calendars and shit so that you
do remember. But like another some other
solutions that I think one I think we do them unconsciously,
(25:30):
subconsciously, but rarely intentionally because it feels
like we shouldn't, but we do. And that's the procedures for
what happens when you already did fuck up.
Like, for example, like you can get ready in what, 7 minutes?
Yes. Is that your number?
Like from from zero to out the door, 7 minutes, 7 minutes like
me is the same way. Like I That's part of 1.
(25:53):
Why I wore the same clothes is every day for 10 years.
Not literally the same clothes, but I wore a black shirt, jeans,
a uniform. That's what I was wearing when
we met. I wore that.
Yeah, I think I I only stopped doing that like really like a
year ago, but because it made itso that I could get the fuck out
of the house immediately if I was late to work.
If I was late to, well, work. But it was just because I I knew
(26:15):
that I was liable to screw shit like that up all the time and it
just minimized those variables. I didn't realize that was that
was really why, but it was. It also ridden me of having to
like choose stuff. Probably also the boarding
school thing. Also, I sweat a lot.
But anyways, I think it's those.I think those systems are sort
of sometimes like the unsung heroes of ADHD, like the oh shit
(26:36):
procedures. Just like go, go, go, Because we
do get, I mean we're good in crises, you know?
Or at least I am, and a lot of most of the ADHD people I know.
Because when everything goes fucked like tits up and you got
to figure it out, it's like, dude, this is every day of my
life, you know? We'll figure it out, you know?
Okay, you don't have to answer this if you don't want, because
(26:56):
I also recognize that this is slightly blowing up your spot.
But what's one of your scummy ones, My scummy?
I feel I have a theory that everybody with ADHD has.
One scummy tactic that they use mine for a really long time was
that I would keep a picture of my car with the flat.
Yeah, I did that. I was gonna say that too.
It's not good. You shouldn't do it.
But goddamn, did they get a broken down bus too.
(27:19):
It works. I mean, like, you know, Yeah,
no, that's a shitty one. Yeah.
So now it's every single time ifI ever get a flat tire, people
are gonna be like, Nah, I'm gonna have to have like the
newspaper. You just gotta use horse to like
change the road slightly, you know?
Added, added. I don't know that.
Whatever. Photoshop.
What's one of my scuzzy ones? I mean, I I have them.
(27:42):
I I probably just blocked them out of my head.
I mean, there's somewhere like, you know, methods for not
smelling like shit. You know, like the the, the sink
shower. I've done a lot of those, right.
I, like, went to work, but it was kitchen.
So, like, you can't, you just can't.
You can't smell like anything inkitchens, you know, And so, like
going to the bathroom and, like,I had a whole procedure for for
that. Oh, I used to forget bus money
(28:06):
constantly, Katie. Constantly.
Like more than once a week. And so I would just, I this
wasn't necessarily a method, butI was.
I knew the bus drivers at that point because I rode the same
bus for years. And so at that point I my entire
persona around the bus drivers was based on making it so that
(28:28):
they would forgive me and let and still let me on the bus.
Because if I didn't get on the bus, I was fucked.
I needed to get. On the bus and so I mean I was
still myself but I was like likeyou know I made a point to learn
their names. I made a point to learn their
kids and you know like, hey what's up you know and like
whatever, such that because I knew I even, you know, I'm there
are going to be times when I'm like I don't have the money can
(28:49):
I please get on the bus. And so I definitely not that I
would have been like mean to themother ones but I was definitely
more talkative and friendly thanI had to be to cover my my
future ass. And it worked.
There's one time I can hear her voice in my head.
There's one time she she said All right, but it's the last
time. And I was like, OK, Shawna, no
(29:13):
more Shawna. So there's a one in four chance
that if I forgot the bus money that I'm fucked.
You heard it here first, folks. I can hear her Fucking.
Voice Eric. Gud, A legal bus writer, scammed
the Oakland bus system out of $20. $24.00 you're going to get
a bill out. They're going to send us a bill.
Well, and hey, if you want to send us a bill or an e-mail,
(29:35):
don't send us a bill. We're not going to pay because
we don't have any money. But if you want to send us
e-mail or some thoughts or opinions, you can do that.
By emailing us at ask@infinitequest.com
requestpodcast.com. So proud of myself.
Ask at Infinite Quest podcast dot.
(29:56):
Com. Also, Infinite Quest podcast at
evil.com Still works. Just still works.
It's just gonna be mixed in witha bunch of, yeah.
It's just mostly like Twitch announcements and.
I don't know things under it, joke, things under NDA is what
I. Was gonna say I was like, I
can't say any of the things thatwould actually be in that e-mail
(30:17):
account right now. But hey everybody, thank.
You so much for listening. It's great to be back doing the
old podcast or, you know, yeah, I know you're doing the whole
actual, but dude, I mean, I don't wanna speak to you, but I
got the yips. You know what I'm talking about?
If you're the yps, you know, theyps.
Yeah. Well, viewers, do you know the
yps. Certain percentage of you don't.
The IPS are when there's something that you're good at,
(30:38):
you're totally regularly fine at, but you get really in your
head about it. And so you start to suck at it.
We have, you know, like. 5 unreleased episodes cuz we got
throwing our head about it. Yeah we do actually.
Yeah. We have the one.
We're also trying a new never mind.
I'm just gonna it's yeah we got the Yep.
So I think the more we just kindof fucking do it.
Like right now we're just sitting our we're not in the
actual room cuz we're like, you know what?
(30:59):
Like the idea of going in there and setting it up and making.
Sure the lines are right. We scared the shit.
Podcast Anxiety After the. I don't know.
It's just weird. But anyway, yeah.
So anyway, it's good to be back.We love you.
We're glad to be back. We're we're doing what we can
with the mental health and mental space that we have,
Farkle. Farkle keep it entertaining.
So entertaining. A funny word that's pretty.
(31:20):
What is a Farkle Katie? Is it a small particle of farts?
Yes, now it is. Well, actually that's the There
already is a word for that, because farts are part.
A farticle. When you smell farts, it's
actually like fecal touching your and gases.
But yeah, that's true. Like when you smell aroma, it's
(31:40):
particles from the thing that you're smelling.
That's what smell is typing, those particles.
Fucking gross. To me it sounds like like a
decoration for like an obscure Northern European holiday.
Sure. Like, Oh, yes, Father's coming
over. He's going to bring the focals.
While we're going to sit down and call Falcos tonight, Would
you like to come over? We have I.
(32:01):
Guess Papa Falco. Papa Falco comes and put Colas.
Inside my tennis shoe, Norwegian, I can say that you
can't. I'm kidding.
You're alive. You're alive.
Hooray. But yeah.
So anyway, you know. Welcome back to Infinite Quest.
Thanks for listening. You can send us the e-mail.
Thanks. First, foster Geek Therapeutics.
And as always, from the InfiniteQuest family to yours.
(32:26):
Remember to drink some water, Remember to eat a snack,
Remember to take your meds, remember to be kind to yourself,
remember to be kind to others and remember that we love you
and also we think really great. And also, if you wanted to tell
your friends about this podcast,we wouldn't be mad.
Yeah, I'd be like, hey, there's a podcast that there's an
occasional podcast. That's what that's what it's
going to be called. That's our spin off podcast, the
(32:48):
occasional podcast. I don't have the brain space to
schedule 2 podcasts, but you getone-on-one on schedule, then we
can have these. I like that.
Yeah, it. Was good.
Pretty good. Bye, everybody.
Thanks for being. Here, Thanks again to Geek
Therapeutics for sponsoring thisepisode.
(33:08):
Yeah, I was talking. I talked for less time than you
thought. I'm sorry, I.
Really thought there was gonna be.
More of that. But yeah, Geek Therapeutics is a
fantastic organization dedicatedto making mental health better
for everybody using Geeky and Nerdism.
Nerded nerdism, nerdiness. I think it's really nice.
(33:29):
Do you? I think nerd culture as a means
of communication and connection,Yeah, it's like one of my
favorite things. I mean, we just got back from
Gencon and it's like, dude, all these amazing people I know
because of gaming and whatnot. I think it's really cool that
their organizations like using that to help people who may not
have otherwise so easily gotten helped.
Well, not so easily. You know, like using that to tap
into people. It's really nice.
(33:50):
It's. Awesome.
They have. Geek Therapeutics has a range of
things that you can check out. They've got courses and classes
for therapists, for teachers, They've got incredible books,
they've got all sorts of cool videos, that kind of stuff.
And also they have a page on their website where you can
check out Geek. Therapeutic certified
practitioners like therapists who have gone through their
(34:12):
classes, which is very, very cool.
And if you want to check out anyof their books they're writing
materials or their videos, you can use Discount Code Infinite
Quest. Just not on therapy services,
because that'd be weird. Yeah, I got 10% off therapy from
I got this. I got this Groupon.
Come on down to discount therapyif I'm Infinite Quest today.
(34:33):
Yeah, wacky waving. Your flavor gets get.
I'm picturing like the little flags, the colored flags.
On Yeah, there's like a wacky waving inflatable arm tube in,
but he's wearing a doctor's coat.
Oh yeah, there you go. I'm picturing.
It or like, he's got like a likea tweed sweater with like elbow
patches and he's holding a pipe.Yeah, that's a visual.
That's that's branding, right? There, that's solid.
(34:54):
Also check out their new book The Psychology of Elden Ring.
It's the Kickstarter has been funded, so it's officially
existing. But check it out, it's a really
interesting, interesting project.
We got some sample chapters, so I can say from first hand that
it's fucking cool. Very lower heavy.
I love video games as storytelling, not just like a
thing to do. And so it's very lower and
(35:16):
science heavy, like very much. So check out The Psychology of
Elden Ring. And also you can use Code
Infinite quests to get that one as well.
Sign on up for it, you know whatI mean.
Anyways, thanks Geek Therapeutics.
And if you made it this far through the the this, I listen
to ads in podcasts. If they're riffy, you know if
it's just a copy, I'd just like oh, but if it's just the people,
(35:38):
like actually talking about the thing, like I totally listen
ads. You know this?
Geek Therapeutics commercial brought to you by Casper
Mattress No, you can't say the names of other brands in
Friggin. Advertising, it was just like it
was like the Casper Mattress said.
And then it's like this Casper ashes and Frat You by me on news
and it just became like infiniteadvertising.
It's probably competing brands, you know?
(35:59):
Yeah. Well, it's also.
Funny joke, It's not. Real Geek Therapeutics comes out
with a line of mattresses. Can you imagine what would the
what is it? Yeah, whether what are like
geeky sleeping materials a Minecraft is.
There, like like a Minecraft mattress.
Like a Minecraft, but that wouldbe like a that's like a sheet.
I'm looking up D&D mattress likehail bait.
(36:23):
Mattress looks like straw, you know.
There's apparently. Oh, that's something very
different. What did you search?
I just searched D&D mattress andbondage furniture.
Came I don't. Know.
OK. Bye.
Thanks for listening to our podcast and that's why you never
(36:43):
accept the cookies.
Let me get the rocks out. Why do you have rocks 'cause I
was using the slingshot. Where do you have a pocketful of
rocks 'cause I have it was usingthe slingshot.
Well, don't. Put 'em on the desk.
Why do you have frosty nails with your rocks 'cause that one,
I don't know, actually don't. Put 'em my nails, don't put 'em
back in my. Pocket.
Yeah, you know what? That's fine.
Just don't move around. So your rocks rock.
(00:30):
You sound like a bag of change. I am a bag of change.
Gay, you sound like. A coin purse?
Yeah, I just really like Gandhi,dude.
You know what I'm trying to be? The change that I want to see in
the world. Fuck you.
Hi everybody. It's me, Katie.
The Source put a look on your face.
Yes. Hi.
Hello. It's me.
Hey dude. And welcome back.
To another thrilling episode of Infinite Quest.
(00:58):
Infinite Quest God. You know when you go to like a
music show and there's like a guitarist or something who just
keeps playing, They're like doing a solo.
But it's like too long and they well, they're doing a solo and
then like they'll go like and they.
Do it like, but they don't know where to go with from that, so
they just keep doing that over and over.
First off, every time. If that ever happens, you should
(01:19):
whisper to the person next to you.
If you're with that person, somebody's about to go woo.
Because you know what, Katie? Somebody always goes woo woo.
It's awkward. And then somebody has to break
the silence. So they go woo to be like, yeah,
they're just so passionate anyways.
That's hilarious, I almost said Whoo, while you were doing an
infinite quest bit, but then I realized without context it
(01:39):
wouldn't wouldn't mean. Anything that's great.
That was a good context, Good context.
Rick Flair, Hi, how are you doing?
I'm pretty good. We just got done working at it.
We went to a library today we. Did what?
We can't tell the people we werewe were at the library working.
It was cool. On Something and the podcasts
(02:00):
Taze Podcast Adventure SMP available anywhere just for
context it's it's D&D what it's set in the Minecraft world so
our friend Tay is D Ming it and they wrote like DM but it's in
the world of Minecraft so it's like a mixture of DM or a
dungeon. D&D and Minecraft mechanics it's
great but we've been off for like a month or so they're
(02:20):
taking a break and I have missedour recording sessions.
We we've done like 30 something episodes and I've missed like 7
recording sessions, which is a lot.
I mean, that's fine, I'll accepttotally fine.
But anyways, it just feels weirdcuz we actually don't have
anything scheduled, but still do.
You do you miss 1:00 today? No, we haven't had one in like a
(02:41):
month or so. Also, today's Thursday.
Yeah, still every week I should say every week I should say
I'll, I'll go like, oh shit, oh,that's right.
We don't have anything. That's OK.
I am so used to that as a part of my life.
I had a thing today that I you did, yeah.
And I thankfully shout out to Dustin if you know who you are,
(03:03):
if it's you. But I was supposed to have a
meeting today and I was really, really excited about it.
And then I got or no, I was I I thought I should tell the story
better. I thought I had a meeting
tomorrow. Tomorrow at 3:00.
It was not tomorrow, it was today.
So I stood Dustin up and he sat at the restaurant waiting for
(03:23):
his like at a restaurant. He was like at a place, like he
like got in his car and went to a place and thankfully he was
really, really nice about it andreally kind and was honestly
just like messaged me and was like, hey, are you okay?
And I was like, oh God, it was today.
And he was really understanding.He's like, dude, I have ADHD
too. Like, it's not a big deal like
I've done it before, but it's the worst.
Fucking feeling in the entire world.
(03:44):
Like I work so hard. I work so hard to make that not
happen. And then but it's it's you
talked about. It's it's like that 100% relapse
rate. It doesn't matter how hard you
try. It doesn't matter how many
systems you put in place. There is going to be that day
where you forget and then you'relike and none of that work
(04:06):
mattered because it's still and I was like.
I've been so better about it. I've been.
I've been really good about my cat, like I'm so frustrated with
myself. And it was like it was a me.
Like, it was like a hangout. Like, I like him.
I think he's cool. And so I was like, oh, I get to
hang out. With this cool guy.
Who does cool stuff? And I want to talk about cool
things with this cool dude and then no, fuck you.
(04:28):
I was at the library trying to access a journal article, but
apparently our library does not believe exists.
Yeah, that's the thing that levers usually do, right?
That I like. Login to I cannot.
But I'm so mad at myself. But yeah, but again, he was
like, super nice about it. And then that somehow makes me
feel worse. Well, if he wasn't like, you
piece of shit, I never want to work with you ever again, I'd be
(04:48):
like, oh, I deserve that. But I said he was like, hey,
don't worry. Well, we're scheduled.
I was like, I also felt like, atleast the way that I think about
it, about myself, is like, I'm not the victim here.
Like the people. I stand up.
Oh yeah. You know, like, which is not
saying that's what you were saying.
No. Like it was but.
No, I just feel bad because it'slike, I respect the shit out of
him, you know what I mean? And I was like, fuck.
And yeah, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to imply that you
(05:09):
that's what you were saying. No, no, you're Okay.
But it's. And I think that's part, part of
why it sucks so much when peopleare so nice about it, because
like, no, like, don't, you know,don't try to make me feel
better. I did the shitty thing, you
know, Which is, you know, it's great when people are nice, but
it's like you want that second shoe to drop, but there isn't
(05:29):
one. And so it's just like all the
time. Like, oh God, yeah, but then.
Do you also do the thing though,where then you feel like you got
your one? Oh yeah.
And it's like, if you ever screwanything up, if you do it again,
well, friendship over forever, you know what I mean?
Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
I mean, there's a So my dad missed a call Goud.
He was a professor at Michigan State University for like 10
(05:50):
years, and he has very severe ADHD.
And he was late to a bunch of shit all the time.
And then like in his eighth yearor something like that, late,
late, you know, after he'd been there for many years, he was
late to some meeting. It was like a big board room
meeting thing. And he comes in and he goes, oh,
you know, sorry, you know, the usual, whatever.
And then after a guy named Bob came up to him, and I don't
(06:16):
remember what he said specifically but said something
along the lines of like, you know, it's not okay that you do
that. You know, like we we deal with
it because what else are we supposed to do?
But like it's not okay that you do that.
It's annoying, you know? And he's he's charming and
delightful and funny, so nobody wants to be mad at him, you
know? But at some, you know you are
doing a shitty thing. You know, like it's not okay to
(06:37):
do that. And I've only ever I've that.
I think that's kind of real. That dread that comes from
missing a thing is knowing that you're putting a you, you might
be putting a lot of emotional labor on somebody else's plate
because they they have an inconvenience.
Great. Like, there's no way around it.
(06:57):
They got in their car. They went to the place, they
went to the meeting, they sat that like, you greatly
inconvenienced them. But nobody wants to have to be
an asshole. Nobody wants to be mad at
somebody else or just. Plus it's not their job to like,
try to tell you that, you know, like if if somebody did say to
you like, hey, you know I forgive you because you know,
did what Bob did. Like we we move on and we
(07:19):
forgive you because we like you.But like, you know, fucking stop
it. They'd be doing you a favor.
Like they don't have to do that.It's not their responsibility to
like tell you how big of a deal that is.
So usually they'll do the thing that is less emotional labor
which is go yeah, it's all right.
Don't worry. You know the nice thing.
But it's like if I've, you know,it's almost like a
falsifiability thing where I don't believe that they're not
(07:40):
mad because they would have to be so mad to act as such, you
know. So I don't know it's it's it's
almost worse because it's like Iknow that they're they're doing
the work of suppressing like their anger for the.
Sake of being kind. Being kind, which is really
nice. I mean, social contract and all,
like you couldn't, you could, you shouldn't just like yell at
people for being late all you know?
But if you're consistently like I'm like Tay would be well
(08:02):
within the rights to be like heyEric, fucking stop it.
You know like I can hear in their voice like not in there
but just in their tone of like whatever like that it's it's
weighing on them and they put somuch work into it and it's you
know like I I show up only once has it ever been like I
literally cannot like I'm at theairport you know.
But they would be well in the rights to do that and it just
(08:24):
sucks knowing that I'm that fucking guy ultimately.
Like unless that guy now than I hopefully was like 2 years ago.
I don't know. I just.
I don't know. It's hard to because I feel like
it could be really easy to listen to you talking about that
and being like, oh what a selfish piece of shit you know
me or? You like at least seven?
(08:46):
That's so it's. Like I would fire you.
I can. I can think of four, but I know
that either. But it's it's that it's.
How do you contextualize the experience of like?
No. But really, it stopped existing,
you know what I mean? And like, for me, it was just a
silly thing where Dustin was like, hey, meeting up.
(09:09):
And I was like, yeah, 2:00, it'll be amazing or 3:00 or
whatever. But in I looked, I was like, but
not today. It's tomorrow.
And so I looked at my tomorrow schedule and I was like, yeah, I
can totally make that work. And it was just a mistake that I
made, you know? But it's like that.
Like, I don't know, like. But it's it's real though, you
know? And like, that's the thing that
(09:29):
I get frustrated about because II think there's so much of that
tendency to say, oh, that's justan excuse.
You're just not trying hard enough.
You're just being lazy. And it's like, no, it's it's I
don't know how time. It works.
And then you live here that and then you go, well, be better, do
better, get a watch. And it's like I have and I have
bought a planner and then I bought another planner because I
(09:50):
lost the first planner and then I only use the second planner
for two days and then I put it down and I lost it, you know?
And it's like how? Do you?
Talk about that experience. How do you, how do you quantify
that experience to people who don't live with that experience?
And it can be really hard, whichis why I'm only friends with
people. I mean it's it's there's the the
(10:13):
it's I don't think it's it's a paradox.
I want to say paradox, but I don't think it is.
But the the unsolvable problem of of forgetfulness, because you
you cannot remember to not forget something.
Forgetting by nature is a passive process.
It's just is something that happens unbeknownst to you like
you cannot. Like I think of the the the
Harry Potter fucking thing with the remembrole and he says
(10:35):
trouble is I can't remember whatI've forgotten, Like you can't
remember something that you forgot.
If you could, you would not haveforgotten, you know.
I just remember what? Fuck turfs.
Haha. I was gonna say I was like.
God damn it. Why?
God damn it, why could you she just be a fucking regular cool
person who has regular compassionate views on things?
(10:55):
It's so not hard to not be shitty.
Sorry. It's OK.
I just get mad because no, we can't.
I mean, you like Harry Potter more than I do.
I just can't use it as a source of analogies sometimes.
But. I'm still.
I'm still betrayed. Could you imagine if like Bill
by the Science guy or something or like that would suck?
Anyway, this. Is the last guy?
Actually guys, I think about it.The earth is flat, but yeah, you
(11:20):
can't remember not to forget something.
So like you know the fix for like dates and stuff is writing
it down somewhere where you willsee it.
I mean there's all sorts of strategies for like, you know,
putting things on a door on, youknow, that is all that you have
to open frequently so you see itor putting something on the
fridge or putting something to shut like wherever that location
is for you. There are ways to like make that
work better. But if you forget to write it
(11:43):
down, you can't like before it'sconcrete.
Once it's written down, then it's like, OK, there's
strategies. You can make sure that that
written down thing or you know, otherwise logged however you do
it, you know string around your finger like you're there
strategies to make sure that that works.
But if you between when you makethe appointment and writing it
down, if you forget to do that, then you're just kind of fucked.
(12:06):
And you, you know, the strategy is to do it immediately.
Like that's, you know, just write it down immediately.
But let's say you're like in a conversation in the car or
something and like they're on the phones, they're on the car
speakers or when they're like, yeah, sure, let's do Thursday.
At what? Like, you know, you can't.
You're driving on the highway orwhatever, you know?
And the only way to not forget it is to just repeatedly say it
(12:27):
over and over in your head. Anyways, I just, I just think
that the paradox of forgetfulness is is is hard to
describe and talk about because it just has this weird and
effable nature to it. Where you cannot, it is you
cannot deliberately not forget something.
You can have something that reminds you when you do forget,
which is, you know, the way to go.
But also I'm going to like another another gear of it.
(12:51):
Is a lot of mine comes from people pleasing?
I'll say yes to stop because I want to be good.
I want to be like, I would love to do that cool thing and then
realize I can't for whatever reason I do that.
That just happened again with Tay at Gencon.
I said that it would be in their, their live show.
Sorry Tay, because we discussed it a while ago and they're like,
(13:12):
we're doing anything. And they set a time.
And I was like, yeah. And then, you know, two weeks
beforehand, I was like, oh, shit, that's at the same time as
this other thing that I have to do.
But I am like, getting paid for.Like, I can't.
So I think that, like, realizing, am I saying yes
because I want to be able to be there or because I can actually
be there? Yeah.
Like at some point it's like, unkind to just say yes.
(13:33):
I don't know. I'm shitty yet.
It's OK. I don't know.
It's the thing that I also get hung up on is that there is a
0%. Like margin of error, you either
show up or you don't. You know what I mean?
And it's like it was, you know, like today was a really good
example because you know, doesn't was like oh you know,
(13:55):
like well we're still here. We're still like hanging out.
So if you want to come, but I'm like it's an hour and 15 minutes
away and I have a game later. So by the time I got in my car
and drove there, I would be ableto be there for like 45 minutes
and then I have to turn around and I'm like that's.
Like, I could and I almost did. And then I had to be like,
actually, that's saying yes, youknow, and so like, you know, and
(14:20):
we just rescheduled and it was fine.
But it's like that. Well, you're just making
excuses. You're just making excuses.
Or, you know, you should take better care or whatever.
But then there's that moment of like, and I've done everything
in my human power to not screw up, but I still screwed up.
And so none of that work mattered.
And it's so frustrating and I never know.
(14:41):
What to do about it? I mean, I think you made a joke
earlier that like all of your friends also have ADHD, but I
think we, like humans, gravitatetowards having people in our
lives that are complimentary to who the fuck we are.
Like we can't always do that. You know you can't control who
your bus driver is or whatever the fuck.
(15:04):
But you know the people who are really in our lives.
Like if if that was a huge thingfor a person to be like if we
stay, it is fucking, that's the time.
You know the reason I'm not friends with a lot of those
people is because we just don't let like I maybe I did that and
then they were like and they stopped inviting me to shit or
whatever. Like there's sort of a filter of
(15:25):
like the people you end up beingaround or the people who are
complimentary to your your whatever.
And like, I don't know. Like, for me, I'm, I'm good at,
I think, well, empathy. I think I'm good at not making
assumptions about a person's motives.
So I end up being friends with alot of people who this is
(15:46):
especially true in the cooking industry who most people find
really unpleasant because they don't put a lot of thought into
how that might be coming off. You know, like it's it.
It's really easy to assume that they meant something shitty by
it. But I made a practice over the
years of never assuming malice and will say I have a good
reason to. And so I end up being really
good friends with, like people are often thought to be like,
(16:06):
really, you know, assholes. But it's like, no, they're not
an asshole. They just don't deliberately
word things such to make other people not think they're an
asshole, you know, They just sayexactly what they mean, you
know? But anyway, so I think we, we,
you know, all of our temperaments, have their
complimentary type of person to hang out with, you know?
I think I'm always also really surprised by, like, the
generosity of other people, likeI spent so long being a
(16:29):
perfectionist and like, not allowing myself to make
mistakes. And so like, there's like this
phenomenon that happens where like something like this will
happen and I'm like, I am a terrible, shitty person.
I'm a bad friend. I've blown this chance to work
with this really cool person whoI really wanted to work with.
That bridge is burned or whatever.
(16:50):
And then I send the shameful like, hey man, I thought it was
tomorrow and okay. Yeah, it's fine, you know, And
like even with like, like deadlines and stuff, something
like, don't. You know, your results may vary
for things like college professors, but even like,
auditions and stuff where I've been like, oh, like, you know,
it was due today at noon, but you know, it's today at 5:00 and
(17:12):
I've just now got done with it because time blindness, Like a
lot of times companies don't care.
Like they're just like, just, yeah, just send it, you know?
And so, like, I think. It can be really easy to
catastrophize because of a lifetime of feeling that
internal sense of failure and fuck up in this.
(17:33):
But like in reality like I thinkpeople are generally if you're
not like out there burning your bridges constantly and like
really not taking anything seriously, they're willing to
give you a little bit of grace. You know, I think that's that's
kind of the hard part of the of the like being clinically late
to shit and clinically forgetful.
It's like I think of this one. I think I've told you this story
(17:55):
maybe. But this story from when I was
working as a pizza guy, pizza chef.
I was making wood fired pizza and a place called Benchmark
Pizzeria in Kensington, CA. You should go there.
But so I was a pizza guy. So my job was to man the oven,
basically. So there was one person named
chef Nick. This is basically a story about
how I one of the one of the morebrutal punch to the face fuck
(18:20):
ups that I've ever made. Like in a professional setting
where I fucked something up and there was just no way around,
like I just fucked that up. But so I was working for a name,
Chef Nick, who was my favorite chef I've ever worked for.
He's delightful. Actually, most a lot of people
found him to be kind of unpleasant because again, he
just didn't. But if you can assume that he's
not mad at you and he just, you know, whenever, then he's great.
(18:41):
But anyways, he was working Expoand stretching dough.
So his job was figuring out whatgets fired when calling.
Whereas he was the chef and he would also usually stretch the
dough. We would, well, we both would.
And so he would stretch dough, lay them on the table or we both
stretch dough. We would both build them as
quickly as we can. And then I would fire them.
Literally, I would put them in the oven and literally 1000
(19:02):
degrees in there. So about 60 seconds later
they're done. And that's a that was a hell of
a game. I got off on that game that was
for five straight hours, just like having four timers in my
head. But there were short timers.
That's the thing. If there were 15 minute timers
over the fucked, but the timers were like you know, accountable
amount of time, it was right there.
But anyways, so we're slammed one night Saturday.
(19:23):
Just go fucking mode, Just absolute go mode.
And at this point I was pretty good at my job.
I mean I got better over time, but I was solid at the time.
And anyways, we fire pizza and Iburn it.
It happens. You know it's 1000 reason there.
You leave it in there for an extra 4 seconds and it's in the
wrong spot. It fucking burns immediately.
So I burned it. And you know in that situation
(19:46):
there's no way around. You just have to say I burned it
because you know any moment you hesitate is makes the fuck up
worse. So you just, I burned you know
the whatever and make another one and he kind of goes OK and
he then we build another one. I fired again and then I burned
that one. I burned the fucking second one
too. And I remember thinking like it
(20:08):
was the bottom of it, too. So, like, I had to, like, lift
it up to sea. And I was like, playing.
I was like, oh, my God. Like, I burned one pizza like a
month at that point in my career.
So I was like, I was rock. So I burning two in a row, would
be, like, laughably bad. And I pulled it out and I like,
lifted up. And it was burned.
It was right in the line. It was like, one of those things
was just over. But like, you know, professional
pride, like, I'm not going to serve it.
It's not right. And so I turned and it was like,
(20:31):
Nick. I burned it again.
And he turns and he looks at me,but this just like, what the
fuck is, you know? OK, all right, You know, like,
let's go, You know? But we're all on go.
He doesn't have time to be mad. Nobody.
It's just go. But I could see in his eyes he
was just like, what are you doing?
Like, what the hell? So we make it again.
(20:53):
And so it's in the oven. And it's everything's going
fine. I'm going.
And I don't know how it happened, Katie, but I turned
around and I burned the fucking third one too.
Louise feet secondhand, deeply. Yeah, it was it was bad.
I like, undeniably like you could smell it.
I don't know what happened. I just got.
(21:15):
I was so fucked. Like thrown you.
Were like thrown off. Yeah.
Like yeah. I didn't notice I smelled
burning 1st and turned around and then I nick like it's all.
I almost feel like you thought it was a prank at that point.
Like it was like is it my birthday?
Like what's happening And I go, I fucking burned it again and he
actually stopped what he was doing and just turned like
(21:36):
shoulder turn. So he was squared to me and just
looks at me and goes just sort of like bites his like just the
swear words that must he was a really nice guy.
He never lost his cool ever. Not even got.
He never got close but I could just see by like the curling of
his lips you know that he was just like what the fuck?
And then he turned, didn't say anything.
Turned back and just goes, OK, he goes here and he goes and
(21:59):
maybe this time don't burn the fucking pizza like he's in the
customer. He's 5 feet away from customers
like it was an open kitchen. Anyways, that was one of my and
I did the 4th one was great. But anyways, that is to say
that, like that's when my blood starts to curdle.
It's it's not when I'm do it thefirst time, you know, it's like,
(22:21):
OK, like that sucks. Well shit, sorry second time
hurts. Second time is like, oh shit,
they probably are like, Jesus, this guy's fucking late, but
it's like the 5th fucking time, you know?
Then it's like they didn't even,you know, like, I mean I'm
putting words in their mouth. I don't know how they feel
because I'm not them. But like that fifth time when
(22:42):
you get the text that says like,hey, are you coming?
And you're like it, you know, onthe toilet, at home or whatever.
You know, wearing your, your, you know, just boxers or
something and you have to be that guy fucking again and just
take it to the face. Like, what do you do?
I can't teleport there. You know I'll be on my way.
Like that's the one that really curls my blood.
(23:03):
Because then it's not like, oh, you know, once is unfortunate, 2
is coincidence, 3 is for show, atrend, 4-5.
Then it starts to feel like commentary on your character.
Like clearly it's a problem for me to remember shit.
The fact that my brain sucks like that is not my fault, but
the fact that I apparently haven't figured the fuck out how
(23:24):
to make that not happen, like that's when when it really
starts to hurt me. I don't mind when it happens the
first time I talked to, when it happens the second time, but and
I'm, I'm generally pretty good at it.
But occasionally it'll happen where I just this one thing I
just can't remember it, consistently can't remember it.
It's a doctor's appointment. Who gives a shit like, I mean go
to your doctor's appointment, but like the doctors that care
(23:44):
but when it's persons. Anyways, I just talked for a
really long time, but yeah, it'sthose fourth and fifth times.
It hurts. The thing that I absolutely hate
the most is. That moment of, like, I'm
sitting on the toilet in my boxers and then like, oh shit, I
have to, like, now immediately drop everything that I was
(24:06):
doing. I have to throw on some clothes.
I have to find my shoes. I have to like, you know, that
like, panic moment of now I haveto get ready for this thing.
And like, that was what I was literally just about to do, that
I was just about to jump in the car and be like, fuck it, I'll
just panic drive an hour. But I was like, I can't.
(24:27):
Like, I can't. I just can't, you know.
But like a lot of times I would.But like that is such and that's
like, such a like dysregulating feeling of like, I'm late and
then, you know, like every stoplight you hit, you're
feeling that time and you're feeling that time.
And then, you know, especially like Atlanta traffic, you're
sitting in traffic and you're like, I'm later and later and
later. Like it's, that is.
(24:48):
My least favorite feeling in theworld.
Like, I don't have actors, nightmare nightmares where it's
like, oh, I'm the actor and I'm not prepared.
It's, I have. I'm late for rehearsal I guess.
Like, I forgot about rehearsal, but like, I'll learn my lines.
But, you know, like, but like forgetting that you're in a
show. Like, oh God damn the worst.
(25:10):
I mean it kind of brings you like the idea that you know, we
talk about systems a lot in the show, but like systems that help
an ADHD person, a lot of them are preventing a fuck up from
happening, writing stuff down calendars and shit so that you
do remember. But like another some other
solutions that I think one I think we do them unconsciously,
(25:30):
subconsciously, but rarely intentionally because it feels
like we shouldn't, but we do. And that's the procedures for
what happens when you already did fuck up.
Like, for example, like you can get ready in what, 7 minutes?
Yes. Is that your number?
Like from from zero to out the door, 7 minutes, 7 minutes like
me is the same way. Like I That's part of 1.
(25:53):
Why I wore the same clothes is every day for 10 years.
Not literally the same clothes, but I wore a black shirt, jeans,
a uniform. That's what I was wearing when
we met. I wore that.
Yeah, I think I I only stopped doing that like really like a
year ago, but because it made itso that I could get the fuck out
of the house immediately if I was late to work.
If I was late to, well, work. But it was just because I I knew
(26:15):
that I was liable to screw shit like that up all the time and it
just minimized those variables. I didn't realize that was that
was really why, but it was. It also ridden me of having to
like choose stuff. Probably also the boarding
school thing. Also, I sweat a lot.
But anyways, I think it's those.I think those systems are sort
of sometimes like the unsung heroes of ADHD, like the oh shit
(26:36):
procedures. Just like go, go, go, Because we
do get, I mean we're good in crises, you know?
Or at least I am, and a lot of most of the ADHD people I know.
Because when everything goes fucked like tits up and you got
to figure it out, it's like, dude, this is every day of my
life, you know? We'll figure it out, you know?
Okay, you don't have to answer this if you don't want, because
(26:56):
I also recognize that this is slightly blowing up your spot.
But what's one of your scummy ones, My scummy?
I feel I have a theory that everybody with ADHD has.
One scummy tactic that they use mine for a really long time was
that I would keep a picture of my car with the flat.
Yeah, I did that. I was gonna say that too.
It's not good. You shouldn't do it.
But goddamn, did they get a broken down bus too.
(27:19):
It works. I mean, like, you know, Yeah,
no, that's a shitty one. Yeah.
So now it's every single time ifI ever get a flat tire, people
are gonna be like, Nah, I'm gonna have to have like the
newspaper. You just gotta use horse to like
change the road slightly, you know?
Added, added. I don't know that.
Whatever. Photoshop.
What's one of my scuzzy ones? I mean, I I have them.
(27:42):
I I probably just blocked them out of my head.
I mean, there's somewhere like, you know, methods for not
smelling like shit. You know, like the the, the sink
shower. I've done a lot of those, right.
I, like, went to work, but it was kitchen.
So, like, you can't, you just can't.
You can't smell like anything inkitchens, you know, And so, like
going to the bathroom and, like,I had a whole procedure for for
that. Oh, I used to forget bus money
(28:06):
constantly, Katie. Constantly.
Like more than once a week. And so I would just, I this
wasn't necessarily a method, butI was.
I knew the bus drivers at that point because I rode the same
bus for years. And so at that point I my entire
persona around the bus drivers was based on making it so that
(28:28):
they would forgive me and let and still let me on the bus.
Because if I didn't get on the bus, I was fucked.
I needed to get. On the bus and so I mean I was
still myself but I was like likeyou know I made a point to learn
their names. I made a point to learn their
kids and you know like, hey what's up you know and like
whatever, such that because I knew I even, you know, I'm there
are going to be times when I'm like I don't have the money can
(28:49):
I please get on the bus. And so I definitely not that I
would have been like mean to themother ones but I was definitely
more talkative and friendly thanI had to be to cover my my
future ass. And it worked.
There's one time I can hear her voice in my head.
There's one time she she said All right, but it's the last
time. And I was like, OK, Shawna, no
(29:13):
more Shawna. So there's a one in four chance
that if I forgot the bus money that I'm fucked.
You heard it here first, folks. I can hear her Fucking.
Voice Eric. Gud, A legal bus writer, scammed
the Oakland bus system out of $20. $24.00 you're going to get
a bill out. They're going to send us a bill.
Well, and hey, if you want to send us a bill or an e-mail,
(29:35):
don't send us a bill. We're not going to pay because
we don't have any money. But if you want to send us
e-mail or some thoughts or opinions, you can do that.
By emailing us at ask@infinitequest.com
requestpodcast.com. So proud of myself.
Ask at Infinite Quest podcast dot.
(29:56):
Com. Also, Infinite Quest podcast at
evil.com Still works. Just still works.
It's just gonna be mixed in witha bunch of, yeah.
It's just mostly like Twitch announcements and.
I don't know things under it, joke, things under NDA is what
I. Was gonna say I was like, I
can't say any of the things thatwould actually be in that e-mail
(30:17):
account right now. But hey everybody, thank.
You so much for listening. It's great to be back doing the
old podcast or, you know, yeah, I know you're doing the whole
actual, but dude, I mean, I don't wanna speak to you, but I
got the yips. You know what I'm talking about?
If you're the yps, you know, theyps.
Yeah. Well, viewers, do you know the
yps. Certain percentage of you don't.
The IPS are when there's something that you're good at,
(30:38):
you're totally regularly fine at, but you get really in your
head about it. And so you start to suck at it.
We have, you know, like. 5 unreleased episodes cuz we got
throwing our head about it. Yeah we do actually.
Yeah. We have the one.
We're also trying a new never mind.
I'm just gonna it's yeah we got the Yep.
So I think the more we just kindof fucking do it.
Like right now we're just sitting our we're not in the
actual room cuz we're like, you know what?
(30:59):
Like the idea of going in there and setting it up and making.
Sure the lines are right. We scared the shit.
Podcast Anxiety After the. I don't know.
It's just weird. But anyway, yeah.
So anyway, it's good to be back.We love you.
We're glad to be back. We're we're doing what we can
with the mental health and mental space that we have,
Farkle. Farkle keep it entertaining.
So entertaining. A funny word that's pretty.
(31:20):
What is a Farkle Katie? Is it a small particle of farts?
Yes, now it is. Well, actually that's the There
already is a word for that, because farts are part.
A farticle. When you smell farts, it's
actually like fecal touching your and gases.
But yeah, that's true. Like when you smell aroma, it's
(31:40):
particles from the thing that you're smelling.
That's what smell is typing, those particles.
Fucking gross. To me it sounds like like a
decoration for like an obscure Northern European holiday.
Sure. Like, Oh, yes, Father's coming
over. He's going to bring the focals.
While we're going to sit down and call Falcos tonight, Would
you like to come over? We have I.
(32:01):
Guess Papa Falco. Papa Falco comes and put Colas.
Inside my tennis shoe, Norwegian, I can say that you
can't. I'm kidding.
You're alive. You're alive.
Hooray. But yeah.
So anyway, you know. Welcome back to Infinite Quest.
Thanks for listening. You can send us the e-mail.
Thanks. First, foster Geek Therapeutics.
And as always, from the InfiniteQuest family to yours.
(32:26):
Remember to drink some water, Remember to eat a snack,
Remember to take your meds, remember to be kind to yourself,
remember to be kind to others and remember that we love you
and also we think really great. And also, if you wanted to tell
your friends about this podcast,we wouldn't be mad.
Yeah, I'd be like, hey, there's a podcast that there's an
occasional podcast. That's what that's what it's
going to be called. That's our spin off podcast, the
(32:48):
occasional podcast. I don't have the brain space to
schedule 2 podcasts, but you getone-on-one on schedule, then we
can have these. I like that.
Yeah, it. Was good.
Pretty good. Bye, everybody.
Thanks for being. Here, Thanks again to Geek
Therapeutics for sponsoring thisepisode.
(33:08):
Yeah, I was talking. I talked for less time than you
thought. I'm sorry, I.
Really thought there was gonna be.
More of that. But yeah, Geek Therapeutics is a
fantastic organization dedicatedto making mental health better
for everybody using Geeky and Nerdism.
Nerded nerdism, nerdiness. I think it's really nice.
(33:29):
Do you? I think nerd culture as a means
of communication and connection,Yeah, it's like one of my
favorite things. I mean, we just got back from
Gencon and it's like, dude, all these amazing people I know
because of gaming and whatnot. I think it's really cool that
their organizations like using that to help people who may not
have otherwise so easily gotten helped.
Well, not so easily. You know, like using that to tap
into people. It's really nice.
(33:50):
It's. Awesome.
They have. Geek Therapeutics has a range of
things that you can check out. They've got courses and classes
for therapists, for teachers, They've got incredible books,
they've got all sorts of cool videos, that kind of stuff.
And also they have a page on their website where you can
check out Geek. Therapeutic certified
practitioners like therapists who have gone through their
(34:12):
classes, which is very, very cool.
And if you want to check out anyof their books they're writing
materials or their videos, you can use Discount Code Infinite
Quest. Just not on therapy services,
because that'd be weird. Yeah, I got 10% off therapy from
I got this. I got this Groupon.
Come on down to discount therapyif I'm Infinite Quest today.
(34:33):
Yeah, wacky waving. Your flavor gets get.
I'm picturing like the little flags, the colored flags.
On Yeah, there's like a wacky waving inflatable arm tube in,
but he's wearing a doctor's coat.
Oh yeah, there you go. I'm picturing.
It or like, he's got like a likea tweed sweater with like elbow
patches and he's holding a pipe.Yeah, that's a visual.
That's that's branding, right? There, that's solid.
(34:54):
Also check out their new book The Psychology of Elden Ring.
It's the Kickstarter has been funded, so it's officially
existing. But check it out, it's a really
interesting, interesting project.
We got some sample chapters, so I can say from first hand that
it's fucking cool. Very lower heavy.
I love video games as storytelling, not just like a
thing to do. And so it's very lower and
(35:16):
science heavy, like very much. So check out The Psychology of
Elden Ring. And also you can use Code
Infinite quests to get that one as well.
Sign on up for it, you know whatI mean.
Anyways, thanks Geek Therapeutics.
And if you made it this far through the the this, I listen
to ads in podcasts. If they're riffy, you know if
it's just a copy, I'd just like oh, but if it's just the people,
(35:38):
like actually talking about the thing, like I totally listen
ads. You know this?
Geek Therapeutics commercial brought to you by Casper
Mattress No, you can't say the names of other brands in
Friggin. Advertising, it was just like it
was like the Casper Mattress said.
And then it's like this Casper ashes and Frat You by me on news
and it just became like infiniteadvertising.
It's probably competing brands, you know?
(35:59):
Yeah. Well, it's also.
Funny joke, It's not. Real Geek Therapeutics comes out
with a line of mattresses. Can you imagine what would the
what is it? Yeah, whether what are like
geeky sleeping materials a Minecraft is.
There, like like a Minecraft mattress.
Like a Minecraft, but that wouldbe like a that's like a sheet.
I'm looking up D&D mattress likehail bait.
(36:23):
Mattress looks like straw, you know.
There's apparently. Oh, that's something very
different. What did you search?
I just searched D&D mattress andbondage furniture.
Came I don't. Know.
OK. Bye.
Thanks for listening to our podcast and that's why you never
(36:43):
accept the cookies.
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