Abusive Relationships: Are You Trauma Bonded?

Abusive relationships shouldn't be hard to leave, but they are. If you've been in one, you know that it is because you are emotionally and relationally entangled. You struggle with knowing what is true and question yourself because you believe the abuser's accusations that blame you for the problems.  

Understanding what a trauma bond is and why it keeps you stuck will help you identify why you are struggling. It will also pinpoint what you need to do to get healthier and stronger to break the attachment that some have referred to as an addiction.

Watch this video to answer the question: What is a trauma bond in your abusive relationship?

 

Website: https://www.changemyrelationship.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ChangeMyRelationship YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@changemyrelationship

Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/4WtCGDc1RPU

 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
So what is a trauma bond?

(00:21):
Well, trauma bondmeans that you are bonded to the person
either despite the trauma
that's going on in the relationshipor because of the trauma.
So what happens is in your childhood,
you may have had traumain a dysfunctional family.
You might have been molestedor something happened

(00:41):
that, just exposed you to a lot of trauma.
So you learned that you stayeven though somebody is harming you.
Maybe that was the examplethat your parents set.
The staying in relationshipsthat were harmful.
But when you are feel like you're stuck
in a relationship, even though you knowit's not good for you.

(01:02):
It is often related to a trauma bond.
Now, one of those thingsthat that is, common
is that you staybecause the person promises you
something good will happen,that you'll get something you want.
Like maybe you'll finally get married,
or you finally have a child,or the person will finally get a job,
or will get into therapyor whatever it is that you've

(01:25):
desperately wanted, that it'll come true.
And so you think, okay, nowit's going to happen so you don't leave.
You stay in hopesthat that is going to happen.
But of course, it doesn't happen.
Trauma bonded relationshipsalways over promise and under deliver.
So the thing that you are staying for

(01:46):
is not probably going to happen.
Also, it could be that you've had momentsof goodness in a relationship.
You've had times when things are goodand so you stay through the bad
knowing, hey, most likely thatsomething good is going to happen again.
He's going to changeor she's going to change.

(02:06):
It's going to get better.
That is another example.
And actually that is what's calledintermittent reinforcement.
It's that a whole bunch of things happenthat are bad.
But then once in a whilesomething good happens and that produces
the strongest bond of all, even stronger
than something good happenswhen there's always or something

(02:29):
bad always happensto intermittent enforcement.
You just hang in there waiting, waiting,
waiting for that one timethat's going to be different.
So also a trauma bonded,
relationship is onein which there is intensity,
so much intensity going onand other people can often see it
and they're telling youit's not a healthy relationship,

(02:51):
but you either don't see itor you don't want to believe it.
Also, you may find yourselfbecoming overly consumed
in trying to change this person
by convincing that person that thingshave to change, have to change.
They have to be different.
Here's what's wrong
and not recognizing that this hasn'tworked and it's not going to work,
but that wanting to stay and convincethat person to change

(03:15):
will actually keep you engagedeven longer.
Also, you can, feel like you want to stop,but just like an addiction,
because trauma bondedrelationships are often called addictions.
Just like you would want to stop.
You may feel like you can't.
That you will tell yourself, I'mnot going to talk to this person again.

(03:35):
I'm done.
And then before you know it, you're backtalking to that person,
either answering the phoneor going back over there
because you just feel so anxiousand so uncomfortable and so empty
without that person that you find yourselfgoing back
and your resolveis not strong enough to stay away.
So also there is,just a feeling of extreme emptiness

(03:59):
when you leave, like thatperson might be have been your life
and that person might be justyou might be empty yourself,
maybe from the lackof developing a self in childhood, or
maybe losing it in this relationshipbecause that is possible
and you just really feel emptywithout this person,
and you might even know that you are,being harmed and hurt by this person.

(04:23):
But you may feel that you are completelystuck and you have no options at all.
So trauma bonds are very strong.
It is importantthat you don't beat yourself up,
but give yourself compassionand understanding to recognize, okay,
this is the dynamics that happenin a trauma bonded relationship.

(04:46):
This is example of what happenswhen I come into this relationship
with previous trauma.
And I have more trauma.
And then that makes it even harderfor me to walk away.
Because if you don't understand what itis, then you're going to have a hard time.
you're going to beat yourself upand feel bad about yourself,
and then you're not going to knowrecognize what the solution is.

(05:08):
So the first step is to have awarenessof the fact that,
hey, this is a trauma bonded relationship.
I'm experiencing the strong bondbecause of this.
So what you can do isyou can stay in the moment,
just help yourself focused on what ishappening in the moment and how you feel.
Am I do I feel bad with this person?

(05:30):
Do I feel good with this person?
What does it hurt?
If I do, I feel fear what is going on?
So not thinking about what it could be,what it should be, what it was,
but how you feel right now
and you want to stay in that realityand help yourself.
Whether it's your friends reminding youor a therapist or I like to journal

(05:52):
in a journal, like, like write lettersto yourself when you're feeling,
when you're feeling really like, clear
and you recognize the abuse
or you recognize the manipulationor the addiction or the trauma
or the the cycles or drama, cyclical dramathat happens.
You write yourself a letter.
I like to put it to yourself,just like I would write it as Dear Karla.

(06:17):
And I've written these letters, to myself.
And then when I feel less clear, I go back
and read them and go, this isthis is what is going on.
Don't doubt yourself or believe that.
this was really bad.
You do need to leaveand this really isn't okay.
So that's a really helpfulthing, is to journal
or write a letter to yourselfso that you can go back and be clear

(06:41):
about the dynamicsand what was and what was going on,
so that the inability to leaveis part of the trauma bond.
And I think it's very importantthat you allow yourself to recognize
how hard it is.
But then to get help,to get help, to leave
because it is not good for you,which involves taking care of yourself.

(07:03):
Also, being really goodand compassionate to yourself.
Having outside support,like from a therapist,
making sure that you, absolutely.
journal and and be clear and write notesand letters to yourself.
So that you can stay in that reality.
This is what's really going on.
This is an abusive relationship.

(07:25):
And, just support yourself inwhatever it takes.
It is recommended that when you like,think about leaving a trauma bonded
relationship or an abusive relationship,that you don't try to think ahead.
Not that you don't need to planbecause you need to be in reality,
but that you don't try to think aheadto the rest of your life.

(07:47):
You just recognize, I've got to do this.
I've got to take care of myselfin this relationship.
I have to get help, or I have to leaveand I'll do this one day at a time
and worry about the rest, later,because it's overwhelming to leave
and it's overwhelming to think abouthow is everything going to work out

(08:09):
and how are you going to get through thethe pain and the loneliness
and the emptiness?
It's more like, this is really bad,
but really need to take care of myselfand recognize that.
So, you canyou can break free of a trauma bond.
You will likely need help.
And that is always availablethrough a trauma informed

(08:31):
therapistwho understands how trauma affects you.
Here are some scriptures.
Psalm 27:11-14 says,teach me your way, Lord.
Lead me in a straight pathbecause of my oppressors.
Do not turn me overto the desire of my foes
for false witnesses rise up against mespouting malicious accusations.

(08:56):
I remain confident of this.
I will see the goodness of the Lordin the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord.
Be strong and take heartand wait for the Lord.
So yes, so you can have that confidenceand that strength.
It is going to get better as you get outof that trauma bonded relationship.
Or at least recognize that trauma bondedrelationship.

(09:19):
Proverbs 26:20-21 says,without wood, a fire goes out.
Without a gossip, a quarrel dies down
as charcoal to embers and as wood to fire.
So is a quarrelsome personfor kindling strife.
So you know that this person does whatthey do, and that is what it produces.
And you can recognize the causeand effect in that.

(09:42):
You can also recognize the cause
and the effectin why you feel like it's hard to leave.
Ezra 9:8 says, but now for
a brief moment,the Lord our God has been gracious in
leaving us the remnant and giving usa firm place in his sanctuary.
And so our God gives light to our eyesand a little relief

(10:05):
in our bondageand a trauma bond is bondage.
So I hope that this gave youa little bit of insight into that.
There's obviously lots of informationavailable on
trauma bonds and books and onlineif you feel like you need more.
But my main purposein bringing this to you
is that you would understand whyit may be so difficult for you to leave,

(10:29):
because often peoplein difficult relationships
feel very bad about themselveswith what's wrong with me.
And their friendsmight even say that to them, like leave.
Like what's wrong with you?
Like, why do you put up with that?
And I remember one time my mom said to me,you know, better.
And it was like that felt so shaming.

(10:50):
Like, yeah, I do like,what is wrong with me?
Like, why am I keep continuing to do this?
And it's importantnot that we excuse our behavior,
but that we understand our behavior.
We want to understand why
that we do it, what we're doingand why we're doing it.
And then we need to give graceand compassion.

(11:12):
There's nothing goodcomes out of beating ourselves up.
We just stay stuckfeeling worst about ourselves.
But when we give ourselves compassion,the same compassion and grace
that we would give someone elsein a similar situation,
it can be healing and supportive.
Like I said, not to excuse it.
We still take responsibility.

(11:32):
Like, yeah,
I'm in a relationship that whereI shouldn't be tolerating this treatment.
I need to do something about it.
But I'm struggling and this is why.
And I'm going to get help to strengthenmyself and to help myself get longer.
And I'm going to give myself the timethat it takes to be able to do that.
That is the grace, that is the supportthat will actually empower

(11:56):
you rather than beatyou up and pull you down.
So I hope that this has helped you.
And I would suggest that you,check out my classes.
They're very, very helpfulfor getting more clear and, stronger
in your difficult relationships and evenhelping you to break those trauma bonds.

(12:16):
So God bless you.
And pleaselet me know if you have any questions.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.

(12:37):
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.