Episode Transcript
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You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
So emotional neglect is abuse.
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So emotional neglect occursin a relationship
where somebody is bynature of the relationship,
who is supposed to care,supposed to be concerned,
supposed to treat youwell, supposed to be aware of the things
that are going on with you,but doesn't care to do that
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and blatantly refuses?
It is being unconcerned about the person'sfeelings,
concerns, needs, desires, and experiences.
It can be emotional.
Neglect can occur even when your physicalneeds are being taken care of.
So if you have a parentwhere you were raised in a home
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where that parent did take careof your physical needs, they fed you.
They gave you a home to live in, they tookcare of you, or they put clothes on you.
They drove you to school,
but they didn't care at allabout how you were feeling,
what you were experiencing,what bothered you.
That is emotional neglect.
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So here are the things that are lacking in
an emotionally neglectfulor emotionally abusive relationship.
So there is a lack of awarenessof the things
of the person's emotionsand the things that bother them.
So there's no concern forwhat's going on with you, how you feel.
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They're just completely, like,unconcerned with
maybe the fact that you are upsetabout something that happened,
or you're very upset that your, best friend,
you know, cut off the relationshipif you're a child
or something happened at schoolthat was very traumatic to you.
They don't care.
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They are.
Just leave me alone.
I'm busy,or they're very mean and abrupt with you.
They expect you to just,you know, suck it up and be strong.
So there's no concern for those
what's going on or if they hurt you,you're hurt my feelings or,
you're cryingbecause the person that yelled at you
or didn't help youand they're just like, be quiet.
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I don't want to.
I don't want to deal with you rightnow. I'm busy.
That is emotional neglectbecause the person is saying,
I don't care how you feel,I don't care how I have impacted you.
I don't want to be bothered.
The next oneis, is exactly that attention.
When the person is hurt or upset,not going to give you the attention
that you deserve.
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I'm not going to find outlike you would normally go to a child
or a person in a relationshipthat you care about,
and that person is upsetand you would say, what's bothering you?
Or you would say to a child,you would say, come here and tell me
what's got you so upset.
Says, no, there's no attention.
It's the opposite. It's ignoring you.
When you're hurt or upset.
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It's continuing to watch TV, continuingto do whatever they were doing.
It's not looking at you,not addressing it.
Next one is not taking your needsinto consideration.
So you're going on a trip or your, food.
They're cooking food or they're orderingfood, taking going to a restaurant.
They don't care that you don't likeit doesn't care that you're allergic
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to the food, doesn't care that you, havesomething going on where you can't eat,
where you're going, or you just flat outdon't like it, like, no, doesn't matter.
They pick whatever restaurant they wantand get the food they want, and that's it.
It doesn't.
You're you are not a consideration.
You're not a considerationwith your schedule.
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You're not a considerationwith what you like.
You're not a considerationwith what you need.
And it's just you're obviously
you're you don’t matter.
The next one is avoidance.
They don't avoid things that cause youpain, so they know that it bothers you.
If certain things are saidor you're around certain people,
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or if they watch something on TV,maybe they watch pornography,
or maybe they watch a show that you hateor you feel is demeaning.
Maybe they, bring up a subjectthat upsets you
when they start criticizing, your pastoror being critical of a friend of yours or,
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whatever it is, they
they refuse to avoid the thingsthat they know are hurtful to you.
In fact,they might even do them on purpose, but
definitely do not consider youand avoid those things.
The next one is they do not respondto your needs and your request.
So if you say, could you please stop atthe store and get something for me nope.
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No, I'm busy. Gotta go.
Don't have time for that.
Or I need, help with this paperthat I need to do for school.
Nope, don't care for.
I need you to take me to the storeto go get a folder for my report
that I have to do, or I need to goget some materials to make my project.
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Nope.
Doesn't matter.
You're not important.
Don't have time for you.
So that's emotional neglect.
That your requests and your needs,you don’t matter.
Same thing in an adult relationship.
You, request something,and you ask for something
that you need, and do your does matter.
They're not. You're not important.
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The next one is they don't validate youthrough attention and affection.
So when you're hurting, when, they're notgoing to hug you and say, I love you,
they're not going to, hug you when you'rehurting and say, it's going to be okay.
They're not going to give you, any,any type of feedback, affection.
So as a child, it means you're not hugged.You're not loved.
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You're not, you just it's absent
and you, it's it's neglectful.
It's hurtful because people and children
and adultsboth have needs for all of these things.
So when you you need attention,you need affection.
And when you don't get that,it is a lack and it's harmful.
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They don't have reasonable expectations.
So if you're not able to do something,it might be come
on, we're going on this hike on,and you're like, I, I have a hurt foot.
Like, I can't do that.
It's like,oh, come on, quit being such a baby.
it's no,there weren't no reasonable expectations.
They don't have reasonableexpectations for you.
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Maybe they expect you to work14 hours a day,
or they expect you to be ableto take perfect care of them.
Even though you've got brand
new baby or twins, and it's still like,why aren't you?
you just had a baby.
It's like, get up and take care of me.
What's what's your problem?Why aren't you doing all this?
Or it might be, expecting as a child
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that they're expecting youto do something that you're incapable.
I mean, you're not a good athlete,and yet you're,
it's like, well,I want you to go play football.
It's like, well,I'm kind of not a football guy, or I'm.
I mean, I am not aI don't like dance as a girl.
And there's no reasonable expectations.
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It's whatever the other person wants, and,that's harmful.
And then, relationaland emotional availability.
There's, there isn't any of that.
They're not available to youto establish a relationship
or to establish,or to connect with you emotionally.
And that's a lack and that is neglectwhen there's a lack of that
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in any relationship, especially one inwhich the relationship is supposed
to be close and loving and caring, then
it leaves a vacuum that is harmful.
Knowledge of the person's life.
They don't know you. They don't
pay attention.
They don't have little things about youthat they know.
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They don't know your quirks.They don't know your needs.
They don't know your personalitymight not even pay attention to like,
who your friends are, or what you like,or what
you like to do,or what your plans are like.
Don't know that you are going tothe doctor to get tests
and don't ask you about thembecause they're just not.
They know youand they're not making sure that they,
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expand the energyto be knowledgeable about your life.
So when you suffer from emotional neglect,
it is painful and you feel alone, you feel unwanted,
you feel unloved,and the tendency is to look at that.
And instead of saying, that's a bad personwho doesn't care about me
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is to put it back on you and say,I must be unlovable, I must be unworthy.
I must be bad and unable to be a kid
that is worth having a parent love them,
or a woman, or a man capable
of having my spouse love me and value me.
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And that is a mistakebecause it is not you.
It is the other person who is incapableor does not desire
to be emotionally available to you
and is not eitheris it's that person's fault.
So you've got to remember,
just because somebody neglects medoes not mean that I'm unlovable.
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I am still lovable.
God still loves me.
Other people still love you.
Find other people, even if it's ina support group or a church setting.
Who will love you?Who will care about you?
Who will get to know you,who will come to you and attend to you
when you are hurting, or when you are sad,or when you have concerns
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that need to be brought up.
So it is also your responsibility
to get your needs met in a healthy waywhen somebody is,
not able to meet your needs,you have to recognize that
and you have to say, okay, well, I have aright and a responsibility to figure out
how to get my needs met in healthy ways,which may be in other relationships.
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It might be in severing that relationshipwith that person.
Now, as a child,you don't always have that option
and may not recognize these things.
But, it is
something that even looking back onyour childhood can be helpful to say,
that wasn't my fault.
That was my parent's inabilityor unwillingness, my parents dysfunction,
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to not be there for me and be ableto connect with me emotionally,
and to recognize that it is abusiveand abusive means it causes you harm,
and it is damaging and hurtfuland not okay.
So to be able to affirmand validate to yourself is not okay.
When somebody who is supposedto be emotionally
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available is emotionally neglectful.
So, the scriptures that I have to, reflect
this is, Galatians 5:13-14,
it says you, my brothers and sisters,were called to be free.
But do not use your freedom to enjoy,indulge your flesh.
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Rather serve oneanother humbly in love, for the entire law
is fulfilled in keeping this one command.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
We are supposed to love each other,
not be unconcernedand neglectful of each other,
and especially in a relationshipwhere that is supposed to be there.
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Galatians 6:4 says, fathers.
And we could also say by, understanding
a relationship, it would
also include mothers,but it's addressing fathers.
Do not exasperate your children.
Instead, bring them up in the trainingand instruction
of the Lord and exacerbate meansto provoke them to wrath.
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So do not treat your childrenin a way that provokes them,
to anger, that provokes them,that stirs up troublesome feelings and
and is painful to them,which would include
emotional neglect.
Husbands are told to do thisin Ephesians 5:25-29.
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I'm going to read the whole thing becauseit's the opposite of emotional neglect.
Think about the things that I saidas I'm reading this.
Husbands, love your wives.
Just as Christ loved the churchand gave himself up for her to make her
holy, cleansing her by the washingwith water through the word,
to present herself to her, to himself,as a radiant church without stain
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or wrinkle or any other blemish,but holy and blameless
in the same way, same way husbands
ought to love their wivesas their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself.
After all, no one everhated their own body, but they feed
and care for their body just as Christdoes the church.
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So what he's saying is,if you love your wife, you love her as you
love yourself.
If you care about yourself,you're going to care about your wife.
In the same way, if your needs matter,your concerns matter.
Your feelings matter.
You're going to care about your wife.
If you don't, you'rebeing emotionally neglectful,
maybe even physically neglectful,depending on the situation.
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Genesis 29:31-35 says,
when the Lord saw that Leah was not loved,he enabled her to conceive.
But Rachel remained childless.
Leah became pregnantand gave birth to a son.
She named him Reuben, for she said,it is because the Lord has seen my misery.
Surely my husband will love me now.
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She conceived again,and when she gave birth to a son,
she said, because the Lord heard,I am not loved, he gave me this one too.
So she named him Simeon.
Again she conceived, and when she gavebirth to a son, she said, now at last
my husband will become attached to me,because I have borne him three sons.
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So his name was Levi.
She conceived again,and when she gave birth to a son,
she said, this timeI will praise the Lord.
So she kept looking for love
from her husband,and we know that she was married to Jacob.
And Jacob loved Rachel, her sister,and that's who we wanted to marry.
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And then their father Laban
tricked Jacob and gave him Leah first.
And Jacob never loved Leah.
And so Leah as the unwanted,
loved wife, was looking to her husbandfor love, looking for her husband
for emotions and emotional context.
Connection, attachment.
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And she didn't get it.
And finally, by the fourth son,she said, forget it.
I'm not going to get it from him.
I'm going to look to the Lord,and I'm going to get it from the Lord.
I'm going to praise the Lord.
This time
my focus is going to be on the Lord,not meaning that the neglect is okay,
but recognizing thatif somebody is neglecting you,
you're not going to get that from them,and you are allowed
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to shift your focus and get your needs metfrom somewhere else.
So as long as she was believed that,then she was looking for it.
But when she gave up, she was ableto change the circumstances for herself.
So thank you for watching this video.
I hope you'll check out my classes
and my books and my studies,and please write me if you have,
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any specific relationship questionthat you would like for me to answer.
God bless.
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You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
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and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.