February 24, 2025 • 13 mins
An expectation is the beginning of a resentment. Does that mean you can't have any expectations? Does it mean that people can get away with whatever they want and you can't set boundaries? Resentments can ruin a relationship. It is crucial that you set realistic expectations and let go of your unrealistic expectations. Find out how to do that by watching this video. #resentment #expectations #realisticexpectations #toxicrelationship
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
I'm going to talk to you
about how expectationslead to resentments.
There's a saying thatI heard a lot in recovery programs,
and that was a resentmentis the beginning or
an expectationis the beginning of a resentment.
And that's absolutely true.
And it kind of has to dowith the analogy of a fire.
(00:42):
So with a fire, first you have wood
and then you have a spark,and then you add more wood to the fire.
Right.
And then you get the fire gets biggerand bigger the more wood that you add.
Same thing with, with resentments.
So the first thing that you haveis an expectation,
(01:03):
which is the wood.
And then the spark isthat the expectation is not met.
The person doesn't do what you expected.
And then the more that you feelthe resentment, the more the fire or
the resentment grows and grows and grows,the more you fuel it
with thinking about how the personhas not met your expectation.
(01:26):
The more the fire goes, the biggerthe resentment grows.
So expectation is basically what it means
is it's just somethingthat you anticipated happening.
You expected it?
Expected it to happen.
It can be.
It goes along with shoulds.
You should do this for me.
You should not do that.
You know, you should pick up your socksand put them in the hamper
(01:50):
if you're marriedor you should cook dinner
every other night, or you should help me
with the dishes,or you should do half the housekeeping.
I'm not sayingthat any of these expectations are wrong
or unusual or anything. It's just.
Or you should talkto me, more respectfully.
(02:10):
Or you should give me time alone.
Or you should go with mewhen I go shopping or you should,
always go with mewhen I go visit my parents.
Or, you know, you should let me disciplinemy stepdaughter.
You should not, let her thinkthat she doesn't have to do what I say.
(02:31):
I mean, anything we could go on and onand on and on about what?
Shoulds are you should, pick up your.
You should keep your room cleanif you're talking with a child.
Or you should do your homework right awaywhen you get home from school.
These are no judgment on any of these,okay?
Expectation is that you anticipatesomething happening.
Pretty sure it's going to happen.
(02:52):
You want it to happen.
When it doesn't happen, you're not happy.
So how does this work then?
First of all, expectationscan be reasonable or unreasonable.
So an unreasonable expectation is
that you will always want to do everythingI want to do in a marriage.
Like you're going to be just like me.
If I like something,you're going to like it.
(03:13):
You're always going to go.
I'm going to be happy no matter what I do.
You're going to like everything.
You're going to benever going to be upset with me.
You're never going to be,disagree with me.
Those are those are,
expectationsthat are completely unreasonable.
An expectation could also be unreasonable
(03:36):
if it is not something that a personis capable of doing
or willing to do, or has shown youthat they're not going to do
so, you could expect an unhealthy personto act in a healthy way.
You're married to somebodywho's unhealthy, who's dysfunctional,
(03:56):
who can't resolve conflict,and yet you go into a, discussion
about somethingthat's bothering you with the expectation
that this person is going to handle itlike a healthy person.
That's an unreasonable expectation.
So if you continueto hold those unreasonable expectations
for your situation, you're going to end up
(04:18):
even moreand more unhappy and more resentful.
Not saying that those the factthat that person won't do that or can't do
that is okay, or that you have to beokay with it or you have to,
you know that you can't set boundariesor speak your truth, not talk.
Not none of that.
Just basically saying your expectationscan be reasonable or unreasonable
(04:41):
in a normal situation, or becausemaybe they're too rigid or it won't work.
Or, you know,maybe you have an expectation
that your spouse should be homeat 5:00 every day, but
your spouse has a jobthat requires him or her to work overtime,
or the traffic can be really bad one dayand it might get home later.
So, I mean, it's that would be an example.
(05:03):
So it could be reasonable or unreasonable.
But then you have to ask yourself,
okay, maybe my expectation is reasonable.
But for this person,that person is not capable of doing it.
And therefore I have to decideif I should change my expectation
for this personso that I'm not continually disappointed.
(05:25):
And on this roller coaster of expectation,not that
I'm that you're resentful again,you have the hopes that the expectations
going to be met and then it's not,
and then you're more resentfuland you're just constantly on this
emotional roller coasterabout your expectations not being met.
So the first thing you dois you recognize the expectation,
(05:47):
and then you look at it and you say,is it reasonable
or unreasonable for this situation,this job, this person?
I'm married to my child, my parent,
who is always been difficult, critical,
is now old and critical and difficult.
Is it a reasonable expectationthat this parent
(06:10):
is going to nownot be difficult and critical?
No, not reasonable that this parentis not going to be critical
and not be difficult when the person'sbeen that way all their lives.
So the next thing is, when
you have that expectationand you notice it's not happening,
(06:30):
then you have to decide,do I need to adjust my expectation
and do I need to change my thoughtsabout it?
So again, you make an adjustmentof your expectation.
Bring it back into a reasonableexpectation.
Realistic expectation,reasonable expectation for your situation.
(06:52):
And if you find thatyour expectation is not being met,
then you find thatthe resentment is growing,
that your thoughtsor your that you're focusing on it.
You're thinking about it,you're annoyed, irritated,
and you find yourselfthinking, person isn’t home.
The person should be home.
The person is supposedto be there on time.
(07:13):
That should help me.
They're sitting and watching TVthey should do this.
All of this is adding upto that resentment and making that
resentment grow.
And resentmentmeans to refeel the original sentiment.
So what you're doing isyou're you're stirring it up.
You're stirring up the feelings, you'restirring up the disappointment
(07:35):
you're feeling, stirring upthe expectation that was not met.
And it's just growing into this hugeresentment to where you're probably going
to say something, or your attitudeis going to show that you're upset.
And again, not that it's not necessarilyokay or not okay.
(07:55):
You can tell withyour thoughts that you're
focusing on that expectation.
Again, if you're doingthe should, should not, ought to
if you're starting to feel sorryfor yourself, if you're starting to think
badly about the other person,you're building a case against him
or her building a case forwhat's your righteous
(08:17):
desire, your righteous need,your righteous demand.
And, you find yourself again,churning up these thoughts
we often use with expectationsalways and never.
Like he always thinks of himself.
She never thinks about how tired I am.
And then those will even fuelthe resentment even more.
(08:41):
You can compare.
Find yourself comparing,well I do so much for this person.
This person doesn't do anything for me.
Not do anything again.
Is a black and white thinking.
I do everything for this person.
This person doesn't do anything for me.
So these are like comparisons.
(09:01):
And so as you're building
these thoughts against this person,
you're going to find that the resentmentis going to grow and grow and grow.
Instead,you adjust your expectation to realistic
expectation for your situation.
And then the second thing isyou capture your thoughts,
(09:23):
which can prevent
or literally snuff out that resentment
and not give it the fuel that it desires.
Remember,this is not denying, not pretending,
not, refusingto bring up what you need to talk about.
It's not.
(09:43):
Doesn’t mean you can't set a boundary?
You can't speak your truth,but it just is merely looking
at the expectations you have
and recognizing how those expectations
are resulting inyou being resentful in your relationship,
being upset and causing problemsfor first of all, you.
(10:08):
Because being on that roller coasterof hope and despair, hope and despair
is definitely not a good placefor you to be.
It's not healthy, and it leaves you
discontented and unhappy.
But, it is definitely somethingthat you have a lot of power over.
(10:29):
By changing your expectations,
you can keep yourselffrom being continually upset.
So a couple of scripturesto think about are,
as far as looking at inwardand being honest with ourselves.
Psalm 51:6 says, surely you,meaning the Lord, desire
truth in the inner parts, and you teach mewisdom in the inmost place.
(10:52):
In other words, we gotta look inward atourselves to figure out what's going on.
If we want to have, healthy relationshipsand grow and take responsibility.
For our part.
also Proverbs 21:29 says, A wicked man
puts up a bold front, but an upright mangives thought to his ways.
So we want to make sure that we do that.
(11:14):
And then there's, one more thatI just thought of as I was talking to you
that I didn't think of beforefor to write down.
And it is the perfect one, Oh, yes it is.
Proverbs 13:12.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
So when you have reasonable hopeor unreasonable hope,
(11:39):
which is an unreasonable expectation,you're going to not be happy.
But when you have a reasonable expectation
and that longing is fulfilled,it's like a tree of life.
In other words,if you have a reasonable expectation
for a person and the person keeps doesit, you're actually going to feel good.
(12:01):
Or if the person exceedsyour expectations, you're
going to feel a lot betterthan if you had rigid or high expectation.
And that person continually fails and
so it's going to make a huge difference.
So I would suggestkeeping your expectations reasonable
to wherethe person has a chance to meet them,
(12:21):
and you will find yourselfmuch less resentful.
This is not to say that you can't be haverighteous anger, that you can't point out
things that are true, things that are notokay, or make decisions about boundaries.
I, I need to have this much cooperationor help or support or whatever.
It is different issue just talking about
(12:44):
how an expectation can lead to resentment.
Okay.
Thank you for watching and for listening.
And I hope you'll check out my resources,my classes.
I've got so muchthat will help you to be healthy
in the midst of unhealthy people.
God bless.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
(13:05):
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
(13:27):
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
I'm going to talk to you
about how expectationslead to resentments.
There's a saying thatI heard a lot in recovery programs,
and that was a resentmentis the beginning or
an expectationis the beginning of a resentment.
And that's absolutely true.
And it kind of has to dowith the analogy of a fire.
(00:42):
So with a fire, first you have wood
and then you have a spark,and then you add more wood to the fire.
Right.
And then you get the fire gets biggerand bigger the more wood that you add.
Same thing with, with resentments.
So the first thing that you haveis an expectation,
(01:03):
which is the wood.
And then the spark isthat the expectation is not met.
The person doesn't do what you expected.
And then the more that you feelthe resentment, the more the fire or
the resentment grows and grows and grows,the more you fuel it
with thinking about how the personhas not met your expectation.
(01:26):
The more the fire goes, the biggerthe resentment grows.
So expectation is basically what it means
is it's just somethingthat you anticipated happening.
You expected it?
Expected it to happen.
It can be.
It goes along with shoulds.
You should do this for me.
You should not do that.
You know, you should pick up your socksand put them in the hamper
(01:50):
if you're marriedor you should cook dinner
every other night, or you should help me
with the dishes,or you should do half the housekeeping.
I'm not sayingthat any of these expectations are wrong
or unusual or anything. It's just.
Or you should talkto me, more respectfully.
(02:10):
Or you should give me time alone.
Or you should go with mewhen I go shopping or you should,
always go with mewhen I go visit my parents.
Or, you know, you should let me disciplinemy stepdaughter.
You should not, let her thinkthat she doesn't have to do what I say.
(02:31):
I mean, anything we could go on and onand on and on about what?
Shoulds are you should, pick up your.
You should keep your room cleanif you're talking with a child.
Or you should do your homework right awaywhen you get home from school.
These are no judgment on any of these,okay?
Expectation is that you anticipatesomething happening.
Pretty sure it's going to happen.
(02:52):
You want it to happen.
When it doesn't happen, you're not happy.
So how does this work then?
First of all, expectationscan be reasonable or unreasonable.
So an unreasonable expectation is
that you will always want to do everythingI want to do in a marriage.
Like you're going to be just like me.
If I like something,you're going to like it.
(03:13):
You're always going to go.
I'm going to be happy no matter what I do.
You're going to like everything.
You're going to benever going to be upset with me.
You're never going to be,disagree with me.
Those are those are,
expectationsthat are completely unreasonable.
An expectation could also be unreasonable
(03:36):
if it is not something that a personis capable of doing
or willing to do, or has shown youthat they're not going to do
so, you could expect an unhealthy personto act in a healthy way.
You're married to somebodywho's unhealthy, who's dysfunctional,
(03:56):
who can't resolve conflict,and yet you go into a, discussion
about somethingthat's bothering you with the expectation
that this person is going to handle itlike a healthy person.
That's an unreasonable expectation.
So if you continueto hold those unreasonable expectations
for your situation, you're going to end up
(04:18):
even moreand more unhappy and more resentful.
Not saying that those the factthat that person won't do that or can't do
that is okay, or that you have to beokay with it or you have to,
you know that you can't set boundariesor speak your truth, not talk.
Not none of that.
Just basically saying your expectationscan be reasonable or unreasonable
(04:41):
in a normal situation, or becausemaybe they're too rigid or it won't work.
Or, you know,maybe you have an expectation
that your spouse should be homeat 5:00 every day, but
your spouse has a jobthat requires him or her to work overtime,
or the traffic can be really bad one dayand it might get home later.
So, I mean, it's that would be an example.
(05:03):
So it could be reasonable or unreasonable.
But then you have to ask yourself,
okay, maybe my expectation is reasonable.
But for this person,that person is not capable of doing it.
And therefore I have to decideif I should change my expectation
for this personso that I'm not continually disappointed.
(05:25):
And on this roller coaster of expectation,not that
I'm that you're resentful again,you have the hopes that the expectations
going to be met and then it's not,
and then you're more resentfuland you're just constantly on this
emotional roller coasterabout your expectations not being met.
So the first thing you dois you recognize the expectation,
(05:47):
and then you look at it and you say,is it reasonable
or unreasonable for this situation,this job, this person?
I'm married to my child, my parent,
who is always been difficult, critical,
is now old and critical and difficult.
Is it a reasonable expectationthat this parent
(06:10):
is going to nownot be difficult and critical?
No, not reasonable that this parentis not going to be critical
and not be difficult when the person'sbeen that way all their lives.
So the next thing is, when
you have that expectationand you notice it's not happening,
(06:30):
then you have to decide,do I need to adjust my expectation
and do I need to change my thoughtsabout it?
So again, you make an adjustmentof your expectation.
Bring it back into a reasonableexpectation.
Realistic expectation,reasonable expectation for your situation.
(06:52):
And if you find thatyour expectation is not being met,
then you find thatthe resentment is growing,
that your thoughtsor your that you're focusing on it.
You're thinking about it,you're annoyed, irritated,
and you find yourselfthinking, person isn’t home.
The person should be home.
The person is supposedto be there on time.
(07:13):
That should help me.
They're sitting and watching TVthey should do this.
All of this is adding upto that resentment and making that
resentment grow.
And resentmentmeans to refeel the original sentiment.
So what you're doing isyou're you're stirring it up.
You're stirring up the feelings, you'restirring up the disappointment
(07:35):
you're feeling, stirring upthe expectation that was not met.
And it's just growing into this hugeresentment to where you're probably going
to say something, or your attitudeis going to show that you're upset.
And again, not that it's not necessarilyokay or not okay.
(07:55):
You can tell withyour thoughts that you're
focusing on that expectation.
Again, if you're doingthe should, should not, ought to
if you're starting to feel sorryfor yourself, if you're starting to think
badly about the other person,you're building a case against him
or her building a case forwhat's your righteous
(08:17):
desire, your righteous need,your righteous demand.
And, you find yourself again,churning up these thoughts
we often use with expectationsalways and never.
Like he always thinks of himself.
She never thinks about how tired I am.
And then those will even fuelthe resentment even more.
(08:41):
You can compare.
Find yourself comparing,well I do so much for this person.
This person doesn't do anything for me.
Not do anything again.
Is a black and white thinking.
I do everything for this person.
This person doesn't do anything for me.
So these are like comparisons.
(09:01):
And so as you're building
these thoughts against this person,
you're going to find that the resentmentis going to grow and grow and grow.
Instead,you adjust your expectation to realistic
expectation for your situation.
And then the second thing isyou capture your thoughts,
(09:23):
which can prevent
or literally snuff out that resentment
and not give it the fuel that it desires.
Remember,this is not denying, not pretending,
not, refusingto bring up what you need to talk about.
It's not.
(09:43):
Doesn’t mean you can't set a boundary?
You can't speak your truth,but it just is merely looking
at the expectations you have
and recognizing how those expectations
are resulting inyou being resentful in your relationship,
being upset and causing problemsfor first of all, you.
(10:08):
Because being on that roller coasterof hope and despair, hope and despair
is definitely not a good placefor you to be.
It's not healthy, and it leaves you
discontented and unhappy.
But, it is definitely somethingthat you have a lot of power over.
(10:29):
By changing your expectations,
you can keep yourselffrom being continually upset.
So a couple of scripturesto think about are,
as far as looking at inwardand being honest with ourselves.
Psalm 51:6 says, surely you,meaning the Lord, desire
truth in the inner parts, and you teach mewisdom in the inmost place.
(10:52):
In other words, we gotta look inward atourselves to figure out what's going on.
If we want to have, healthy relationshipsand grow and take responsibility.
For our part.
also Proverbs 21:29 says, A wicked man
puts up a bold front, but an upright mangives thought to his ways.
So we want to make sure that we do that.
(11:14):
And then there's, one more thatI just thought of as I was talking to you
that I didn't think of beforefor to write down.
And it is the perfect one, Oh, yes it is.
Proverbs 13:12.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
So when you have reasonable hopeor unreasonable hope,
(11:39):
which is an unreasonable expectation,you're going to not be happy.
But when you have a reasonable expectation
and that longing is fulfilled,it's like a tree of life.
In other words,if you have a reasonable expectation
for a person and the person keeps doesit, you're actually going to feel good.
(12:01):
Or if the person exceedsyour expectations, you're
going to feel a lot betterthan if you had rigid or high expectation.
And that person continually fails and
so it's going to make a huge difference.
So I would suggestkeeping your expectations reasonable
to wherethe person has a chance to meet them,
(12:21):
and you will find yourselfmuch less resentful.
This is not to say that you can't be haverighteous anger, that you can't point out
things that are true, things that are notokay, or make decisions about boundaries.
I, I need to have this much cooperationor help or support or whatever.
It is different issue just talking about
(12:44):
how an expectation can lead to resentment.
Okay.
Thank you for watching and for listening.
And I hope you'll check out my resources,my classes.
I've got so muchthat will help you to be healthy
in the midst of unhealthy people.
God bless.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
(13:05):
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
(13:27):
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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