Ask Yourself: "Why Am I Talking?"

In your dysfunctional relationships, it is important to ask yourself: "Why am I talking?" before you open your mouth. This is because most of the reasons will cause more problems for you. These complex relationships aren't easy to navigate. The dynamics are confusing. Emotions are up and down and hard to control. One of the most helpful things you can learn to do is to WAIT before you speak and ask yourself, "Why am I talking?" Watch this video to learn more about this helpful tool with the acronym "WAIT."    #dysfunctionalrelationship #christiancodependency #dysfunctionaldynamics

 

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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/8BIum1mH5GE

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:27):
It is
common in difficult relationshipsto do a lot of talking.
A lot of explaining,a lot of convincing, a lot of defending.
And it's often counterproductive
because saying too much to someonewho doesn't want to hear you or understand
you is going to come back onto youin a negative way.

(00:51):
If that is only the fact that you're
expending too much energy.
But it can also come back at youwith the person getting angry, the person
flipping it back on you, escalatingthe situation, holding resentments.
all kinds of things.
So one of the things that you can doin a difficult relationship

(01:13):
is an acronym calledwait and wait stands for
why am I talking?
And it is somethingyou need to ask yourself when you are
in, when you are temptedto talk too much to a difficult person.
And that talking too muchwould be explaining

(01:35):
that it would be all of those thingsthat I just talked about lecturing.
So here are some reasonswhy you want to talk.
or reasons you might feel likeI need to keep talking.
I need to say something.
One to convince someone to do somethingthat you feel needs to happen.
But I have to tell themI have to make this happen.
To relieve your own anxiety and fear.

(01:56):
Big time in difficult relationships.
Lots of anxiety to help someone
understand what you feel, think and need.
Sure, good reason
to argue and stir things up.
Yeah, if we're honest,we have to admit that sometimes we do
want to just relieve the tension and fight

(02:18):
or try to get what we want.
It's hard to admit, but it's truthful
to describe an experience you have hadso the person will understand.
You want to tell them what happenedthat day, what went on, what,
why you're upset, or
why you're anxious, or why you're happy,
or maybe something that you experiencedwith that person.

(02:41):
To clarify expectationsand relay boundaries,
you might want to say, hey,I just want to let you know
this is what I expect to happen,or this is what I expect you to do,
or this is my expectation for your partin this relationship or your boundary.
I need to let you know that I'm
not going to be able to do that anymore,or that I will only do this much.
Yeah, sure.

(03:02):
Reason to talk to let someone knowyou are angry and tired.
Okay. I'm tired. I'm upset. I'm irritable.
I don't want to talk about this now,or I don't want to do this now, or
they need to back off.
So those are some reasonswhy you would want to talk, right?
So they're normal.
They're natural reasons.

(03:22):
They make sense.
But if you're in a relationshipwith somebody who is dysfunctional,
difficult, toxic, they don't want to hearwhat you have to say.
They don't really want to understand.
So you got to make some adjustments.
And here are just some examples ofsome of the adjustments you need to make.
You speakonly when you really need to for yourself.

(03:43):
So you ask yourself why am I talking?
And if you can answerbecause I need to say this.
And I don't care if the personacknowledges it or doesn't acknowledge it,
or if the person understandsor gets upset with me.
It's just something I got to say.
And I'm going to tell you,
there's times that I know, okay,this is not going to go down well.

(04:04):
But I got to say it.
And once I say it,
I'm going to be fine and I'm going towalk away and I'm going to deal with it.
But I just need to know.
I've said itand I need to be clear. Great.
No problem.
Next one.
You stop speaking when you've saidwhat you need to stay say.
Instead of repeating yourself over andover trying to convince the other person.
So when you say something, say it once.

(04:27):
Let it go.
Don't keep adding more information,explaining, defending,
justifying all of those thingsso that you convince the person
and you don't say the same thingover and over.
If you've said itand it hasn't gone anywhere.
Even if the person pretendsthat they didn't understand

(04:49):
or they didn't hear you, they did.
The person they hear you,they understand the language.
You're speaking.
They heard you.
They just might not want to acknowledge itor admit it, but they heard you.
So no need to say the same thingover and over again.
That usually comes back to bite youbecause you're accused of nagging.

(05:10):
The person doesn't listen to you.
You don't get in the middle of otherpeople's relationships by saying things
that they need to say for themselves,like other people
need to do their own talking,
their own communicating with peoplethat they are in relationship with.
You don't have to go be their mediator.

(05:30):
Okay, so these are just some examplesof reasons that you might not want to talk
when you ask yourself the question,why am I talking?
And you say, oh,
because I'm trying to fix the relationshipbetween mom and my sister.
Not a good reason to talk, right?
I'm trying to convince this personthey're hurting me.
Unless it's a boundaryand it's not going to happen anymore,

(05:54):
probably not a good reason to talk.
Right? Or. I've got to say it again.
I know I've said it 50 times.
I got say it one more time,because if I don't, I'm
going to be super anxious until I say it
probably going to come back on you.
But if you really have to, go aheadbut you want to ask this question,
why am I talking?
Then you are the one that gets to decideif the reason

(06:19):
justifies talking,
or if the fallout
or the backlash or the response is going
to, it's going to come back on youand you're going to be sorry.
So when you ask that question,why am I talking?
Listen to your answer and make a decision.
Do I want to?
Is it worth it?

(06:39):
What do I expect?
So wait.
Before you Speak and ask the question.
Why am I talking?
Then decide.
Okay. Scriptures.
Proverbs 10:19.
When words are many, sin is not absent.
But he who holds his tongue is wise.
This doesn't mean every time

(07:00):
that you have too many wordsor many words that you're sinning, but
it is, in my experience, likely
the probability increases the more yousay, especially to a difficult person,
because you start to get wound upand you start to get reactive.
Job 15:2-3

(07:21):
says, would
a wise man answer with empty notions
or fill his body with the hot east wind?
Would he argue with useless wordswith speeches that have no value?
Probably not if he was wise.
Okay, so that's a great question.
Asking the same thing.If I'm a wise person.

(07:41):
Would I keep saying all this empty stuffand go on with useless words,
if I were wise? Hmm probably not.
Psalm 141:3 set a guard over my mouth.
O Lord,keep watch over the door of my lips.
Yes. Amen.
We all need help with that,especially at certain times.

(08:03):
So I hope this video helped youand that you will remember
to ask yourself to wait before you speak
and answer.
Why am I talking?
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.

(08:23):
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts

(08:46):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.