Attachment Theory: What Is Secure Attachment?

You have probably heard a lot about anxious and avoidant attachment styles and how they make your relationships unhealthy. But what does it mean to be securely attached? It is what you are supposed to be when you get healthy. It is what helps your relationships to succeed, but how can you know you are getting closer to the goal if you don't know what it is?

What does it mean to be securely attached? You need to know. Watch this video to find out. 

#secureattachment  #healthyrelationship #anxiousattachmentstyle #attachmenttheory 

 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:27):
We hear a lot about attachment stylesthat are unhealthy, about being anxiously
attached or avoidant,attached or ambivalent or,
and but when we
don't really understand what secureattachment is, we don't really have
a, idea of what we want to get tobecause attachment styles can be changed.

(00:51):
If you have a unhealthy attachment stylefrom when you were a child.
Because attachment styles are formedvery early with the bond that you have,
typically with your mother,you are not doomed
to have that unhealthy attachment stylefor the rest of your life.
You can work on itand get what's called a secure attachment.

(01:14):
So here are some characteristics of peoplewith secure attachment.
So you can think about yourself and think,do I have this like, am I?
Am I getting there?
So one they're comfortable withand without people so they don't
have to be with people to be okay,and they're okay if they are with people.
It doesn't meanyou can never want to be alone.
That's fine.

(01:35):
But you're okay.
You're not desperatefor having to have someone around you
or just desperate for a relationship.
You're you're okaywith or without a relationship.
Next one isthey could maintain their individuality
even if they're in a relationship.
So they're not.
When they're with someone else,they don't feel pressure

(01:57):
or, to be who the person wants them to be.
They are who they are,regardless of who they're with.
Doesn't change.
They are individuals.
They they know who they are comfortablewith, who they are,
and they're going to maintain who they areregardless of what's going on.
The next one isthey can tolerate disapproval.

(02:17):
Now, disapproval is not comfortable or fun
necessarily for anyone,even securely attached people.
But they can deal with it.
They don't fall apart.
They don't get super defensive.
They don't,you know, have to adjust themselves
to make the person comfortable with themor to approve of them.
They they can look at the disapprovaland they can consider,

(02:39):
is there any truth to this,what's going on with this?
And they can handle it.
They're open,
supportive and available in relationships.
So when you're open in a relationship,it means that you are not guarded.
You're not, pushing the person away.
You're not, closed down and hidingwho you are.

(02:59):
You're open. You're open with who you are.
You're available for emotional connection.
You're available to listenand learn about the other person.
You can be supportive and empatheticof other people and their needs.
You can be warm and, caring.
And others in a relationship withsomeone like that will feel comfortable

(03:21):
and they'll feel secure because the person
is presentinga very healthy, posture in a relationship.
And it it feels great to have somebodywho is like that.
They believe that they are worthyof having
having their needs metand their boundaries respected.
So they will not when

(03:42):
if somebody disrespects their boundaries,it's not like, oh, I'm used to that.
Okay, no big deal.I'll give up my boundary.
It's more like, this is not okay.
Like this person is not respecting me,not respecting what I need.
This person is not respectingthe fact that I.
I stated that something'snot okay with me.

(04:02):
That will be a red flag to themand they will act on that.
They respect others boundariesso they recognize that
other peopleare who they are, and that when somebody
starts with their boundariesare they don't try to push them.
They don't try to change them.They don't try to talk them out of it.
They realize, okay, that's who you are.
That's what you need. Great.

(04:23):
They feel safe enough to be honestabout feelings, beliefs,
experiences and shortcomingsso they can be open, about who they are,
even if it means sharing their negativesor their problems.
They can accept the criticism and look atthemselves and say, yeah, you know what?
Sometimes I do that I'm really not

(04:45):
okay in that area at all times or yeah,you know what?
I was kind of sharp with you.
Or I did kind of it was kind of abrupt
or I shouldn't have said itthe way that I did.
It's it's okay.
They can look at themselves andthey can be open about that themselves.
They're consistent and stable.
Healthy, securely attached.
People are consistent. They're not.

(05:07):
And and stable.
Meaning that's not always like up and downwith their moods and their feelings.
They're not changing what they need.
They're not drama queens.
They're not upset producing chaosand all that type of thing.
No, they're just really consistent.They are who they are.
Sometimes when you're in a relationshipwith a, secretly attached person,

(05:29):
are two securely attached people together,it's kind of boring
because there's not all this chaosand all this, kind
of disagreement and argumentand people having these mood shifts.
It's just kind ofkind of just is what it is.
They can
respond rather than react to problemsand challenges.

(05:49):
So responding means that they stop.
They thinkthey figure out what they believe
and how they feel,and then they can choose how to respond.
Reactingis meaning that the other person's action,
determines that how you are reacting.

(06:10):
It's really quick.
It's not thinking somebody does somethingand you're reacting.
You're going to get upset.
Somebody says somethingand you're going to get defensive.
It's like you're not choosinghow to respond.
You're letting that other personkind of control you.
They can resolve conflictand tolerate disagreements.
So you don't have to have somebodythat agrees with you.

(06:31):
You aren't uncomfortablewith people disagree.
You can resolve conflict.
You can deal with it.
You have the ability to problem solve andto work through, problems and conflict.
So what is your goal?
Your goal is to become securely attached.
Your goal is to be ableto become healthier,

(06:55):
in your interpersonal relationships,to become healthier with yourself,
become healthier in your relationshipwith the Lord, to grow
in your relationship with the Lordand with other people.
The good news is you're not stuckwith this unhealthy attachment
through therapy,through reading, through groups
like my classes are very helpfulto, guide you on along your way

(07:18):
of becoming securely attachedor giving your tools to deal
with difficult peoplehelping you to learn boundaries.
The truth in the mirror,which is my class for, a healthy
self-image, helpsyou go through all of the ways
you've been impacted by other peopleand how it's harmed your self-image,
and then how do you kind of reversethat and work

(07:40):
your way to a healthy self-imageand really know who God created you to be?
All of these will helpyou to, become more securely attached.
So there all are also lots of videoson YouTube and lots of, articles
on the internet and lots of booksavailable on attachment.
Or if you're really interested in this,

(08:01):
I would recommend that you look intosome of those, so a few scriptures.
As you know, I like to give youthose Solomon 2:4 describes
a healthy attachment.
It says I am his and he is mine.
His banner over me is love.
Now we know that Song of Solomon is, talks
about the Lordas a bridegroom to his bride.

(08:23):
So this is the bride saying I'm secure
in my bridegroom's love.
His banner over me is love,I am mine and he is his.
It's very secure attachment.
Philippians 4:11-12.
This is.
I am not saying this because I am in need.

(08:43):
This is the Apostle Paul writing this.
He says, I'm not saying thisbecause I'm in need.
I have it, for I have learnedto be content whatever the circumstances.
I do know what it is to be in need,and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being contentin any and every situation,
whether well-fed or hungry,whether living in plenty or in want.

(09:06):
Paul is saying. I'm okay regardless.
Like I am comfortable, I am secure,I don't have to have my needs met.
I don't have to have things perfect.
I don't have to have everythinggoing on right.
I know who I am, I know who theLord is and I can handle it.
The Ephesians 5:28 says, in
the same way, husbands are to lovetheir wives as their own bodies.

(09:30):
He who loves his wife loves himself.
So basically,feeling comfortable with who you are
and being able to offer thatsame love to someone else.
Colossians 3:12-14 says, therefore,
as God's chosenpeople, holy and dearly loved,
clothe yourself with compassion, kindness,

(09:51):
humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each otherand forgive one another.
If any of you has a grievanceagainst someone.
Forgive as the Lord forgaveyou, and over all of these virtues
put on love, which binds them all togetherin perfect unity.

(10:13):
Sounds like a bunch of securely attachedpeople who can do all of those things
and see themselves for who they are,
and see others for who they are,and give love and receive love.
The Ephesians 4:15 says instead speaking
the truth in lovewe will grow to become in every respect

(10:35):
the mature body of himwho is the head, that is Christ.
So that is maturity,that is secure attachment.
So all right, thank you for watchingThis video on Change My Relationship.
And I hope that this helped.
And I encourage youto check out my website and my resources
to get more help as you navigateyour dysfunctional relationships.

(10:58):
God bless.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
[e-mail]

(11:22):
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.