Bargaining in Relationships

Difficult relationships have losses. The healthy way to process loss is to work through the grief process. One of those stages is bargaining. Bargaining in relationships occurs as part of the grief process but also occurs during conflict resolution. #bargaining #dysfunctionalrelationship #loss #griefprocess

 

 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:20):
I'm going to talk to you about something
we do in our relationships,and that is called bargaining.
We use bargaining in two ways.
The first one is when we negotiateterms of a relationship.
We have pros and cons about it.
We give up some things.
We get something we sometimes accept, things we don't like.

(00:42):
Sometimes we get less of somethingor more of something than we really want.
And it's okay as long as it's healthy
and we're not giving uptoo much of ourselves in the relationship.
The other time that we bargain iswhen we have gone
through a loss, and we are workingthrough the grief cycle.
The grief cycle has five stages.

(01:04):
There's there's first denial and shockwhere
we're just so even trying to come
to terms with the fact that it's happenedor that it's real.
The next is anger,and that's feeling anger
at ourselves, God and other peoplefor what they did or they didn't do.
And then the bargaining is, I look at itas part of the first one,

(01:27):
which is still trying to come to termswith the reality of the situation,
and that is we try to figure out whatcould have prevented it from happening.
So we do kind of this if then if only
I had never met this person, thenI would not be dealing with this breakup.
I would not be dealing with thispainful, thing where I just found out

(01:50):
that the person has been stealing from meor the person is having an affair,
or we say,what if I had noticed the red flag sooner?
Or whatif I hadn't left the house at 2:15?
What if I had left at 2:16 or 2:14?
Then I would not have beenat that intersection at exactly

(02:12):
that time where that accident occurred.
And you either lost the life of somebodyin the other car
or injured them,or maybe hurt somebody in your car.
So you would be trying to figure outhow could this have been prevented?
Sometimes we lookat what other people have done

(02:32):
and we said, if only this person wouldn'thave done this, this only this person
wouldn't have met this personthat they had an affair with.
If only this personwould have made a different choice.
If only this person would have made
a a differentor gotten a different job, or not.
Ask me to move to the state.
And then sometimes we get mad at God.
Like why didn't God intervene?

(02:53):
Why didn't God keep this from happening?
Why didn't God heal my child?
Why didn't God heal me?
Why did God allow this accident to happen?
So we work through each of these scenarios
painstakingly,sometimes back and forth in between one
and then the other and back, back forward,and basically the whole time

(03:15):
our mind, consciously and unconsciously,is trying to figure out
how could I fix thisso that it never would have happened,
so that I wouldn'thave to go through the next stage?
Which is to admit that this really hurtsand this is really sad.
And this is really a huge loss in my life.
The final stage that we go throughgo to is acceptance.

(03:38):
And acceptance means we come to terms withit is what it is.
Now what?
Now what do I do in
light of the fact that I have acceptedthat this actually happened?
So the bargaining serves a purposeas we go from shock
to the other side, which is acceptanceof something that happened.

(03:58):
So when you're going through
a grief process,when you've gone through a loss,
be aware of those five stagesand that one of them is bargaining.
And when you hear yourselfor observe yourself
asking yourself these questions,allow yourself to go through it.
Even to ask God where God was.

(04:20):
Why didn't you stop it?Why didn't you help me?
Why didn't you intervene?Why didn't you change this person?
Why did you let me meet this person
when you knew it was going to turn outthis way and be so painful?
Ask God those questions.
Work through them because you need to.
You need to to get to the other side,which is acceptance,
which is really healthy.

(04:42):
And remember, in your relationships,when you're bargaining
and you're trying to come to an agreement
on the terms of the relationship,or you're trying to decide,
what are you willing to tolerateand what are you not willing to tolerate?
Make sure that you don't give up too much,
and that you don't lose yourself in the process.
So I wanted to ask you,

(05:05):
what trade offshave you made in your relationships?
Are they worth it?
Be aware of it.
The trade offs that you're making andrecognize when you're grieving that loss.
And like I said, allow yourselfto go through that bargaining stage.
Proverbs 23:23 says buy the truthand do not sell it.
Wisdom, instruction, and insight as well.

(05:27):
You want to be aware of what it isthat you're doing and why.
Exodus 14:10-14.
As Pharaoh approached,the Israelites looked up
and there were the Egyptians marchingafter them.
They were terrified,and they cried out to the Lord.
They said to Moses, why was itthat you didn't leave us in Egypt?

(05:48):
Weren't there
enough graves there that you had to bringus out to the desert to die?
Didn't we
say to you in Egypt, Egypt,leave us alone!
Let us serve the Egyptians.
It would have been better for us to servethe Egyptians than to die in the desert.
Moses answered the people,do not be afraid.
Stand firm, and you will see thedeliverance the Lord will bring you today.

(06:12):
The Egyptians you see today,you will never see again.
Lord will fight for you.
You need only to be still.
The Israelites were bargainingwhen they were had their backs
up against the Red Sea, which was wherethey were in this, part of Scripture.
And the Egyptian armywas coming toward them,
and they saw no way out,and they thought they were going to die.

(06:33):
They began to bargain.
Moses, why did you bring us here?
God, why don't you bring us here?
Isn't there any other way?
We could not be in this situation.
Pretty normal to do when you are.
Have your backed up against the wall
or you're about readyto go through a big loss, or you have.
So, I just want to thank you for watching
this video on Change My Relationship,and I hope that this has helped you

(06:55):
to learn more about how you bargainin your relationships.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.

(07:16):
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.