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March 31, 2025 18 mins

People are often out of touch with what is going on with themselves. This leads to problems in their lives and relationships. Whether it is feeling an emotion, problem-solving a situation, making a decision, or resolving a conflict, it helps to be self-aware. Not knowing what and why you are acting and reacting the way you are means you lack valuable insight. 

The alternative is to be curious about yourself. Watch this video to find out how you can do that to improve your life and relationships...  #selfawareness #becurious   

 

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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/R9Yaou0KeoM

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:21):
Have you ever thought
about being curious about yourself?
So what you want to dois when you're feeling angry, upset,
stressed, impatient,
unhappy, disappointed, jealous.
Disillusioned. Rejected.

(00:41):
Proud.
How about the nervous?
Irritated? Conflicted, disturbed?
Annoyed? Rageful?
Whateverit is, any emotion that you are feeling,
do you ask yourself
what is going on with me?
Or do you just react?

(01:02):
Or do you just assume somebody elsehas caused you to feel that way,
which will then it'll be likelythat you will react or lash out
at that person, or you may end up
having a very negativethought about yourself, and then you'll
withdraw, pull away,maybe isolate, become depressed.

(01:24):
So what you want to dois you want to maintain
a position towards yourselfwhere you're curious
rather than condemning
being judgmental with yourselfor even saying,
oh my gosh, I can't think thator I can't feel that way, I can't.

(01:46):
That's not Christian.
That's not okay.
That is an I'mnot a nice person. If I think that
your thoughts,
your feelings,they all come from somewhere.
And the question is wherewhat is going on?
Why did you think thatyou might be incredibly annoyed

(02:06):
with somebody, everybody around you?
I know that when I would have
PMS in the past, beforeI was in menopause,
I literally would be so annoyedduring that time
that I would be thinking the whole timeI was in the grocery store.
Everyone annoys me and I would beso annoyed that I would just think

(02:29):
I feel like running them overwith my shopping cart now,
or running them over with my car,or just get out of my way or hurry up now.
That was not normally my disposition.
That was not normally how I felt towardpeople or those thoughts that I even had.
So if I would have been just judgmentalwith myself and told myself,

(02:52):
oh, what's wrong with you,you're a horrible person.
You need to repent.
You need toto just spend some serious time in prayer
and and telling God that you're so sorryrather than
oh my gosh, this does not happenevery day.
This feels kind of cyclical.
What is going on with me?

(03:13):
Oh, I know it's
the time where my hormones have changedand then I understand.
Oh, that is a sign that that'swhat's going on.
And then I canwhat be very careful that during that time
when I start to feel that way,that I don't confront my family or anyone

(03:33):
or have serious conversationsbecause I'm going to be much more
irritableand even volatile during that time.
So it literally helped memake wiser decisions.
So you want to ask yourself what?
Ask what?
What is going on?
What is bothering me?

(03:55):
What is happening with meemotionally, physically,
relationally, mentally, and spiritually?
What is happening?
What is going on, what is bothering me
and what is happening with me.
Specific areas.
Now, when you answer those questionsand you might only have to answer one,

(04:16):
maybe not all three,but when you are curious about
what is going on, you're going to getsome very interesting answers.
You're going to find out that
there are certain, like I said,maybe a cycle
or maybe some certain things that happenthat caused you.
Maybe it's a certain day of the weekthat you tend

(04:39):
to be most bothered at work.
So you might say, what's going on with methat I'm I'm ready to kill that coworker.
And then maybe if you look into ita little bit longer, it's just like,
oh, it'swhenever we have a company meeting
and I have to listen to that person,or that person gets to talk

(04:59):
about all the accomplishments that he orshe has done.
And I realize that I'm very annoyedbecause I'm not getting any credit.
So what? What's going on?
What's bothering me, what's going onis what's happening inside of me
with all those different areas.
Then the next question to ask is why?

(05:20):
Why do I feel like I do?
And why am I reacting this way?
Is it related to something in the pastor something in the present?
So why?
Why do I feel like I do thatwhen I was just to dig
a little bit deeper because thewhat is a little more superficial?
Like what is that person or whateveryone or what,

(05:43):
just a particularperson or a particular event.
So, but why is why do I feel like I do?
You got to look at yourselfand you have to begin to ask, well,
let me give you an example of what thewhy could be
is you might, for instance,
look at a family

(06:03):
walking through the mallor at the grocery store,
or you might look over and see a car
seat in a car or a pregnant woman.
And if you're struggling with fertility or
if your family is broken uplike you are and separated,
or you're going through a divorce,I guarantee you that seeing a car seat

(06:28):
if you're struggling with infertility,or if you've just lost a child,
that that is going to triggerhuge emotions in you.
If you're going through a divorceor you're in a very hard time
of your marriage
and you see a happy family together,you're going to get triggered.
So that might recognizewhy am I feeling like I do?
Because I'm struggling with thatright now.

(06:49):
I'm feeling maybe pain when I see that.
Or maybe I'm feeling jealousy.
Does that mean I'm a jealous person?
Does that meanthat I'm coveting or envious? No.
It is triggering pain inside of you
and that is what's pulling that upis that feeling of pain.
So again, that gives you insight into why,

(07:12):
rather than just being criticaland judgmental with yourself.
And then the next time, why am I, likeI said, why am I reacting like like this?
Is it something in the past,something in the present?
I know for myself,I was raised in an alcoholic home
and I had, unbeknownst to me,I had no idea.

(07:32):
I did not know whata feeling of abandonment was,
and I had it.
That was literally it was,when all the stuff about adult
children of alcoholic familieswas first coming out.
And what I found wasI was incredibly reactive.
I'm going to even say the word almost tothe point of just like crazed

(07:55):
when my husband would needto go out of town, just for work.
Not like I had no reason not to trust him.
I did trust him, but I just.
I could not handle it.
I couldn't handle it.
If you took, extra long to come back from,a place that he was
with his dad or with a friend,and it just it.
Absolutely.

(08:16):
I literally would go fromjust not being from being okay
to being absolutely crazed
and hysterical with him,and just absolutely losing it.
And I felt like,like, oh, my gosh, what's wrong with me?
And we were newly married.
And he was like,what's wrong with you? And

(08:37):
I didn't know.
And when I went to a therapist,he was able to tell me, like, hey,
that's a feeling of abandonmentthat is triggering old stuff in you.
That is reminding you of somethingthat happened a long time ago.
It's not really about the present.
That's what's so illogical.
You can see that it's so logical.

(08:57):
You know, that you're it'snot that you don't trust him, it's that
it's triggering a fear of abandonment,fear that he might abandon
you like other people have abandoned youin the past, like parents had abandoned.
And it was emotional abandonment,not physical abandonment.
My parents were always there, so

(09:19):
understanding that it would be like,why am I acting like this?
It's because,oh, this is triggering old abandonment.
It is not aboutwhat's going on in the present.
Just the knowledge of that helped mestop reacting that way.
It took time.
It was an immediate.
But being able to say to myself, okay,

(09:40):
is this about now or is this about past?
Well, it isn't about now
because this is really disproportionateto what is happening.
And if it's disproportionate
to what is happening,it is usually about old stuff.
So again asking yourself,why am I reacting like this?
Is it reminded me of the past.

(10:02):
Is it something in the present?
Am I literally exhausted?
And I'm reacting like thisbecause I'm just totally exhausted?
Or am I burned out?
Am I, trulynot dealing with the pain in my marriage?
And now I'm reacting like thisbecause I've just

(10:24):
just shoved down all this stuff,and I just reached to a point where
I couldn't do it anymore, and now I'mjust, like, erupting like a volcano.
Like what is going on.
So here are the benefits of askingyourself these and other questions.
Any question that you think ofthe idea is to be curious.
One it helps you understand yourself.

(10:44):
You're going to learn.
I learned about what abandonment was,
the fear of abandonment,and that I struggled with it.
I you can learn again that you're burnout,or that you're exhausted,
or that you're neglecting yourself,or that you're giving too much, or you're
still in a lot of pain over a lossand that you're

(11:07):
you're not doneprocessing the grief, all kinds of things.
So they help you understand yourself.
Again, the idea is to have compassionand not judgment.
If you find out that the answerto this question
as a Christian is thatbecause you're sinning and and it is,
it has to do with the,thoughts, repetitive thoughts

(11:28):
and things where you're entertaining sinand you're, just.
Okay, fine.
If you find that out, then repent.
But be careful about judging yourselfharshly and and not allowing yourself
to let the feelingsand the thoughts come up to deal with them
because they're giving you information,information about what's going

(11:51):
on, information that you need to knowso you can make decisions.
You can process things reacting like that.
When I was responding like thatwith rebounding, my stuff made me realize,
you need to see a therapistto figure out what this is about.
And it was a great thing
because it taught me a lot,and it helped me process finish processing

(12:14):
what I hadn't done with my, adult
children of dysfunctionalor alcoholic families.
Those issuesI needed to work through them.
I needed to know what they were.
So the next one is they helpyou take responsibility for your stuff.
So when instead of just reactingand thinking, well, you made me do that,
or you did that and you triggered thatin me, it's not you're you're wrong.

(12:38):
It's like, okay, I'm going to recognizethis is my stuff
or this is this the part of my part
in this argument was this or whateverit is, they take responsibility
for your stuff, which means you'renot going to put that on to someone else,
which is really unhealthy andnot going to get you where you want to go.

(13:00):
They also help you to intelligently handleyour emotions.
Emotional intelligenceis you feel your emotion.
You identify the emotion.
You process the emotion and you choosehow to respond to the emotion.
This is what you're doing is you are beingintelligent about your feelings.

(13:20):
You are recognizingwhat your thoughts are.
If If you're having thoughtsthat are resentful and you're
just thinking all of these, you know,negative things, I don't like that guy.
He's really annoying.
Like, whatever that is.
Or if you're thinking, I'm so angry,I don't even want to have anything to do
with him. I want to talk to him.I don't want to have anything.

(13:41):
I don't want to see him.
you need to ask yourselfwhat is going on with me.
Why am I thinking this way?
And that is going to bring upwhat it's going to bring up.
There's an injury.
There'ssome healing that needs to be done there.
Maybe there needs to be a confrontation.
Maybe there needs to be,speaking the truth in love.
Maybe there needs to be some change

(14:03):
in yourselfabout how you think about that person.
So in other words, you deal with it.
And that is being intelligent,being an emotionally intelligent
and recognizing what is going on with you.
And then the next one is they hopeyou know what you need.
you've got to be responsiblefor meeting your own needs.
And if you're exhaustedbecause other people

(14:24):
are asking you to do things forthem and you're saying yes,
this is going to help,you know, for instance, I need to rest
or I need to say no.
So let me say those pretty quickly.
One, they help you understand yourself.
Two, they helpyou take responsibility for your stuff
so you won't put blame it on other peopleand they help you.

(14:48):
Three Have emotional intelligence
to handle your emotions and four, helpyou know what you need.
All of those thingsgive you a ton of information
about yourself that will make yoube healthier towards you.
It will benefit your relationships,but you need to know yourself
in order to be a healthy person.
If you are in a dysfunctional relationshipand you don't know

(15:12):
this stuff about yourself,you can't do this for yourself.
You are not going to be able
to separate yourselffrom what is going on in the relationship.
You're not going to be able to get healthy
and move forwardwhere you can set healthy boundaries.
This is really big.
The ability to dothis is to be able to self evaluate

(15:33):
and to be able to take be a healthy person
that that gets into a relationship with,hopefully another healthy person.
But if you're not with the healthy person,
you really have to do this for yourselfbecause you're not going to get any help.
That person is going to dump
all kinds of toxic stuff on youand a lot of toxic blame,

(15:54):
and you've got to be able to separateand disentangle yourself from that.
And that is going to require youto have the ability
to understand yourselfand to be curious about yourself.
So again, you want to be curious aboutyou want to ask
what is going on, what is bothering you,what is happening with you

(16:17):
emotionally,
spiritually, mentally,physically, relationally?
And then you want to ask why?
Why do I feel this way?
And am I reacting to somethingin the present
or something in the past?
So here are a few verses.

(16:37):
Proverbs 14:8 The wisdom of the prudent
is to give thought to their ways,but the folly of fools is deception.
So a fool is deceives themselvesand the other person.
So the folly of fools is deception.
But you are going to give thoughtto your ways if you're wise.

(16:58):
This is one of my favorite scriptures.
Isaiah 1:18 come now,let us reason together,
says the Lord, thoughyour sins are like scarlet,
they shall be white as snow, thoughthey are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool while being white,God is willing to reason with us.
We need to be able to reasonwith ourselves.

(17:20):
So again, be curious about yourself.
You're going to find out some very,very surprising things.
So thank you for watchingand I hope you'll watch more.
I hope you'll recommend theseto other people.
And I read the comments.
And if you have a question or you havesomething to say, I always answer you.
I would love to hear from you that way.

(17:41):
And please like the video.So God bless you.
Thank you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.

(18:03):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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