March 27, 2025 • 12 mins
Dysfunctional people do all kinds of hurtful things and rarely ask for forgiveness. It is common to struggle with forgiveness because there are so many hurtful things done. The Bible tells us that God doesn't forgive us when we don't forgive our offenders, but does this really mean you aren't forgiven? #forgiveness #boundaries #toxicrelationships #dysfunctionalrelationship #emotionalhealing
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
Can you lose God's forgiveness?
Just because you haven't forgivensomeone else?
Forgiveness isn't easy to give,
especially when somebody has donesomething for a long time.
And it's really painful.
And the person hasn't acknowledged itand is continuing to do it.
Then forgiveness is something that,
(00:43):
under normal circumstances,takes a time to do.
It takes some.
It's a process,something that you have to work through.
And the more grievousand the more lengthy that the, acts
have been, the longer it takesto come to terms with them as it should.
Because when you walk through forgivenessin the right way, it will be genuine,
(01:08):
and it won't be something that you justsay and something that you take back.
So when I talk to lay counselorsand I talk to them
about dysfunctional relationships,I will often say,
imagine somebody that you really careabout, somebody really close to
you does the thing that would hurt youthe most for five years.
(01:28):
They never apologize.
They never acknowledge it,and they're continuing to do it.
How hurt would you be?
And actually, believe it or not,some of them have to imagine it
because they've never have had somebodyin their life that did that to them.
Those of usin dysfunctional relationships,
we have had people that have done thingslike that even longer than five years.
(01:51):
We know what it's like to live with peoplewho are continuing to hurt us,
and who will not acknowledge it,and who will not apologize,
and who continueto hurt us over and over again.
No matter how much we tell them.
The reason that
I bring this up
(02:11):
is because there are people in the church.
There are people that are in our Christiancircles, be it family members,
friends, misinformed
Christian leaders, or maybe even pastors
or some biblical counselorswho may tell you
that when somebody is hurting you,that you have to continue to forgive
(02:36):
and forgive and forgive and forgive,and that if you don't,
your salvation is at riskbecause of the scriptures that say
that if you don't forgive others,God will not forgive you.
So one pastor had said to a woman
whose husband had had a sexual addiction,and he had even engaged with prostitutes
(02:57):
for years and years and years,and this was a continual problem
in their marriage,along with abuse and a lack of concern
and a lack of engagementand just a lot of pain.
And this pastor said to her, you know,your husband is wrong for what he's doing.
It is a sin, but you are also wrongfor not forgiving him.
(03:19):
And you better forgive him right now,
because if you don't and you die tonight,you're going to go to hell.
I totally disagree with this pastor.
This woman was saved. She loved the Lord.
She had spent many yearstrying to make this marriage right.
She was getting help.
(03:41):
She was taking my classes.
She was trying to figure outhow to speak to her husband,
how to work in the marriage,even how to treat her husband
in a kinder way in spite of her
pain, in spite of the brokenness,in spite of the distance
in their relationship,because of what her husband was doing.
(04:03):
Now her husbandobviously had a sexual addiction
and sex addicts, any type of addict,they are stuck in the throes of addiction.
They are still responsiblefor their choices, though
they are not absolved of responsibility
before God and they are not absolvedof responsibility in the relationship.
Neither arewe absolved of our responsibility
(04:25):
of how we treat people in responseto the things that they do to us.
So this wife was responsiblefor how she treated her husband
just because she was hurt didn't mean thatshe had a right to be abusive to him,
that she had a right to be meanand vindictive,
or throw his, wrongs in his faceand put him down.
(04:49):
No, she was still responsible.
But in terms of whatthe pastor said, for her
just simply saying,okay, fine, I forgive him.
When forgiveness of something likethat is a very long process.
It involves counting the cost.
It involves looking, knowing what it wasthe person has actually done to you.
(05:09):
And if you've got somebodythat's in a sexual addiction,
that's not being accountable,you don't know for sure what this person
has done.
It involves paying attention toand working through the loss.
What kinds of lossesdo you have with this type of behavior
going on for year after year?
So it is a choice to forgive.
And God knows our hearts.
(05:30):
He knows that we want to forgive.
He knows that we're trying when we'rein the midst of difficult relationships.
He knows that we're strugglingwith the forgiveness or the unforgiveness.
He knowswe're struggling with the boundaries.
He knows that we're strugglingwith speaking our truth.
He knows the hurt that isthat we're going through.
When somebody has wronged us deeply.
(05:51):
God gets it. He knows where our heart is.
He knows the motivations of our heartsbecause we are not able,
at that particular time,to release the pain
of what somebody has done to usand be able to say, I forgive you.
And then to walk through and feel thatforgiveness and maintain that forgiveness
(06:13):
doesn't mean we're going to hellif something happens to us.
Jesus's blood covers all of our sins.
There are many thingsthat we are doing in our daily lives.
And 1 John 1:9 tells us,
if we say that we're without sin,that we're we're lying.
We're not being honestbecause none of us is without sin.
(06:35):
And so at any given time, we all are going
to need our sins covered by Jesus's blood.
If something should happen to us,all of us are going to be
unable to say at that moment,all of my sins are forgiven
because I ask forforgiveness from all of them.
If you are in a
(06:56):
situation where you have resentmentor bitterness
toward somebody because there's painfrom what that person has done to you,
you know where you're at with that.
If you feel like you're stuckin unforgiveness,
tell God I'm trying.
I want to forgive.
(07:17):
Help me to forgive.
Help me to know how to start forgiveness.
But if you're stuck in that cyclewhere the pain, where it's
being done to you over and over again,you can say, God, I want to forgive.
But it's happened so muchthat it's really hard
for me to let goof the things that are being done.
(07:38):
Help me to know howI can set some boundaries
to protect myselfso that I can work on forgiveness.
Because I often tell people,if it's happening to you continually
and you've got to forgive,and then you've got to forgive again,
you got to forgive again, it's bestto just back off for a little bit and stop
and think, what boundary do I need to setwhere I can take care of myself?
(08:00):
And then when I have some time to processthis, what it's being done to me
and the toll that it's having on my lifeand my relationships.
I don't have time to workthrough the forgiveness process.
Don't push yourself quicklythrough a pseudo forgiveness
just because you're living in fearthat if something happens to you,
(08:22):
God won’t forgive you.
I don't believe that that is at allwhat is scriptural.
God knows your heart.
Talk to him about whatever it is
that you are enduringin your relationships.
Whatever unresolved hurts that you have.
He knows he hates that
you have gone through thatand that you are hurting,
(08:45):
and he has compassionfor you, and he gets it.
So do you
fear God's judgmentwhen you are struggling with forgiveness?
Because remember, Scripture tells usthere is no fear and love.
Do you expect yourself to forgiveright away, or do you recognize
it is a process and give yourselfthe time to work through it?
(09:07):
Are you focusing on forgivenesswhen instead
you should be focusingon setting boundaries?
James 2:12-16 says,
speak and act as those
who are going to be judged by the lawthat gives freedom, because judgment
without mercy will be shown to anyonewho has not been merciful.
(09:29):
Mercy triumphs over judgment.
What good is it, my brothers and sisters,if someone claims to have faith
but has no deeds, can such faithsave them?
Suppose a brother or sisteris without clothes and daily food.
If any one of you says to them,go in peace, keep warm,
be fed, butdoes nothing about their physical needs.
What good is it?
(09:49):
Meeting someone'semotional and spiritual needs
is just as importantas their physical needs.
And when somebody is struggling with hurtin their relationship,
having compassion and mercy on them
with what they're going throughis more important than spiritualizing it.
And giving them some spiritual advicethat actually causes them pain.
(10:13):
1 John
4:18 says, there is no fear in love,
but perfect love drives out fearbecause fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fearsis not made perfect in love,
and you know that you are made perfectin love.
Galatians 6:1 Brothers and sisters,if someone is caught in a sin,
(10:34):
you who live by the spiritshould restore that person.
How harshly?
With just judgmentwith threatening them or no?
What does it say?
Gently restore that person.
Gently.
But watch yourself,or you also may be tempted.
(10:54):
So when somebody speaks to you and says,you've got to forgive,
and they deny the pain
and they deny the feelings that you haveand the circumstance that you're in,
and they don't give you anysupport or concern for that.
Recognize, you
(11:15):
don't have to fear God's judgment.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(11:36):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
Can you lose God's forgiveness?
Just because you haven't forgivensomeone else?
Forgiveness isn't easy to give,
especially when somebody has donesomething for a long time.
And it's really painful.
And the person hasn't acknowledged itand is continuing to do it.
Then forgiveness is something that,
(00:43):
under normal circumstances,takes a time to do.
It takes some.
It's a process,something that you have to work through.
And the more grievousand the more lengthy that the, acts
have been, the longer it takesto come to terms with them as it should.
Because when you walk through forgivenessin the right way, it will be genuine,
(01:08):
and it won't be something that you justsay and something that you take back.
So when I talk to lay counselorsand I talk to them
about dysfunctional relationships,I will often say,
imagine somebody that you really careabout, somebody really close to
you does the thing that would hurt youthe most for five years.
(01:28):
They never apologize.
They never acknowledge it,and they're continuing to do it.
How hurt would you be?
And actually, believe it or not,some of them have to imagine it
because they've never have had somebodyin their life that did that to them.
Those of usin dysfunctional relationships,
we have had people that have done thingslike that even longer than five years.
(01:51):
We know what it's like to live with peoplewho are continuing to hurt us,
and who will not acknowledge it,and who will not apologize,
and who continueto hurt us over and over again.
No matter how much we tell them.
The reason that
I bring this up
(02:11):
is because there are people in the church.
There are people that are in our Christiancircles, be it family members,
friends, misinformed
Christian leaders, or maybe even pastors
or some biblical counselorswho may tell you
that when somebody is hurting you,that you have to continue to forgive
(02:36):
and forgive and forgive and forgive,and that if you don't,
your salvation is at riskbecause of the scriptures that say
that if you don't forgive others,God will not forgive you.
So one pastor had said to a woman
whose husband had had a sexual addiction,and he had even engaged with prostitutes
(02:57):
for years and years and years,and this was a continual problem
in their marriage,along with abuse and a lack of concern
and a lack of engagementand just a lot of pain.
And this pastor said to her, you know,your husband is wrong for what he's doing.
It is a sin, but you are also wrongfor not forgiving him.
(03:19):
And you better forgive him right now,
because if you don't and you die tonight,you're going to go to hell.
I totally disagree with this pastor.
This woman was saved. She loved the Lord.
She had spent many yearstrying to make this marriage right.
She was getting help.
(03:41):
She was taking my classes.
She was trying to figure outhow to speak to her husband,
how to work in the marriage,even how to treat her husband
in a kinder way in spite of her
pain, in spite of the brokenness,in spite of the distance
in their relationship,because of what her husband was doing.
(04:03):
Now her husbandobviously had a sexual addiction
and sex addicts, any type of addict,they are stuck in the throes of addiction.
They are still responsiblefor their choices, though
they are not absolved of responsibility
before God and they are not absolvedof responsibility in the relationship.
Neither arewe absolved of our responsibility
(04:25):
of how we treat people in responseto the things that they do to us.
So this wife was responsiblefor how she treated her husband
just because she was hurt didn't mean thatshe had a right to be abusive to him,
that she had a right to be meanand vindictive,
or throw his, wrongs in his faceand put him down.
(04:49):
No, she was still responsible.
But in terms of whatthe pastor said, for her
just simply saying,okay, fine, I forgive him.
When forgiveness of something likethat is a very long process.
It involves counting the cost.
It involves looking, knowing what it wasthe person has actually done to you.
(05:09):
And if you've got somebodythat's in a sexual addiction,
that's not being accountable,you don't know for sure what this person
has done.
It involves paying attention toand working through the loss.
What kinds of lossesdo you have with this type of behavior
going on for year after year?
So it is a choice to forgive.
And God knows our hearts.
(05:30):
He knows that we want to forgive.
He knows that we're trying when we'rein the midst of difficult relationships.
He knows that we're strugglingwith the forgiveness or the unforgiveness.
He knowswe're struggling with the boundaries.
He knows that we're strugglingwith speaking our truth.
He knows the hurt that isthat we're going through.
When somebody has wronged us deeply.
(05:51):
God gets it. He knows where our heart is.
He knows the motivations of our heartsbecause we are not able,
at that particular time,to release the pain
of what somebody has done to usand be able to say, I forgive you.
And then to walk through and feel thatforgiveness and maintain that forgiveness
(06:13):
doesn't mean we're going to hellif something happens to us.
Jesus's blood covers all of our sins.
There are many thingsthat we are doing in our daily lives.
And 1 John 1:9 tells us,
if we say that we're without sin,that we're we're lying.
We're not being honestbecause none of us is without sin.
(06:35):
And so at any given time, we all are going
to need our sins covered by Jesus's blood.
If something should happen to us,all of us are going to be
unable to say at that moment,all of my sins are forgiven
because I ask forforgiveness from all of them.
If you are in a
(06:56):
situation where you have resentmentor bitterness
toward somebody because there's painfrom what that person has done to you,
you know where you're at with that.
If you feel like you're stuckin unforgiveness,
tell God I'm trying.
I want to forgive.
(07:17):
Help me to forgive.
Help me to know how to start forgiveness.
But if you're stuck in that cyclewhere the pain, where it's
being done to you over and over again,you can say, God, I want to forgive.
But it's happened so muchthat it's really hard
for me to let goof the things that are being done.
(07:38):
Help me to know howI can set some boundaries
to protect myselfso that I can work on forgiveness.
Because I often tell people,if it's happening to you continually
and you've got to forgive,and then you've got to forgive again,
you got to forgive again, it's bestto just back off for a little bit and stop
and think, what boundary do I need to setwhere I can take care of myself?
(08:00):
And then when I have some time to processthis, what it's being done to me
and the toll that it's having on my lifeand my relationships.
I don't have time to workthrough the forgiveness process.
Don't push yourself quicklythrough a pseudo forgiveness
just because you're living in fearthat if something happens to you,
(08:22):
God won’t forgive you.
I don't believe that that is at allwhat is scriptural.
God knows your heart.
Talk to him about whatever it is
that you are enduringin your relationships.
Whatever unresolved hurts that you have.
He knows he hates that
you have gone through thatand that you are hurting,
(08:45):
and he has compassionfor you, and he gets it.
So do you
fear God's judgmentwhen you are struggling with forgiveness?
Because remember, Scripture tells usthere is no fear and love.
Do you expect yourself to forgiveright away, or do you recognize
it is a process and give yourselfthe time to work through it?
(09:07):
Are you focusing on forgivenesswhen instead
you should be focusingon setting boundaries?
James 2:12-16 says,
speak and act as those
who are going to be judged by the lawthat gives freedom, because judgment
without mercy will be shown to anyonewho has not been merciful.
(09:29):
Mercy triumphs over judgment.
What good is it, my brothers and sisters,if someone claims to have faith
but has no deeds, can such faithsave them?
Suppose a brother or sisteris without clothes and daily food.
If any one of you says to them,go in peace, keep warm,
be fed, butdoes nothing about their physical needs.
What good is it?
(09:49):
Meeting someone'semotional and spiritual needs
is just as importantas their physical needs.
And when somebody is struggling with hurtin their relationship,
having compassion and mercy on them
with what they're going throughis more important than spiritualizing it.
And giving them some spiritual advicethat actually causes them pain.
(10:13):
1 John
4:18 says, there is no fear in love,
but perfect love drives out fearbecause fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fearsis not made perfect in love,
and you know that you are made perfectin love.
Galatians 6:1 Brothers and sisters,if someone is caught in a sin,
(10:34):
you who live by the spiritshould restore that person.
How harshly?
With just judgmentwith threatening them or no?
What does it say?
Gently restore that person.
Gently.
But watch yourself,or you also may be tempted.
(10:54):
So when somebody speaks to you and says,you've got to forgive,
and they deny the pain
and they deny the feelings that you haveand the circumstance that you're in,
and they don't give you anysupport or concern for that.
Recognize, you
(11:15):
don't have to fear God's judgment.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(11:36):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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