December 1, 2025 • 16 mins
Christian codependency can affect whether you are a healthy or a codependent caregiver. When you need to care for someone in your life, it is never easy. Whether it is caring for an elder parent, a mentally ill or disabled child, or a chronically sick spouse, you will need to be intentional about the boundaries you set. It is hard to figure out how to take care of yourself when the demands are overwhelming. Watch this video for caregiver support in finding out how you can be a healthy, instead of a codependent caregiver. It will change your life. #codependent #christiancodependency #settingboundaries #caregiversupport
Website: https://www.changemyrelationship.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ChangeMyRelationship YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@changemyrelationship
Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/y-xAtNkZYVw
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
There are times in life
(00:20):
when we have to care for other people.
It could be a parent.
It could be a spouse,it could be a sibling, could be a child,
could be an adultchild could be an aunt, a grandparent.
It could just it could be anyone who is
in need of being, of needingto be taken care of
(00:41):
for a time, for a season, or for life.
And there isn't anyone else to do it
except you, and it falls on your plate.
Or it's your responsibility.
Like, say it's your spouse,or it's your child, or it's your parent
and you're the sibling thatis the closest, like I am or the like,
(01:04):
I live a few minutes from my mom and dad,and my dad's since passed away.
My siblings are,you know, about 45 minutes.
And, so that's harder for them to respondto needs.
It's much easier for me to run over thereand my husband to run over there.
So, whatever situation comes up,if you are the one
(01:26):
that is the caregiver,
and it's it falls on you, it is heavy.
It can be like a second job.
It can consume your life.
It can, really be very difficult
and affect your marriageand your life plans.
(01:47):
So it's hard.
But often times we make the decisionto do the right thing,
not because we want to,but because we need to.
But there is a healthy way for us
to give care, to be a caregiver,
and there is a codependent wayfor us to be a caregiver.
So when we give care codependently,
(02:10):
it means we are relationally unhealthyin the way
that we take care of people.
We, and it could be people
that are sick and have throughno fault of their own.
Or it could besomebody who has been irresponsible
and abused their body by food, overeating,
(02:32):
not taking care of their bodywith an illness or not
caring for their body, and developedan illness like diabetes or heart disease.
It could besomebody who is, addicted somebody.
And this personmay have legitimate health needs.
Or maybe your parentsis getting elderly, but
the person has been in your lifemanipulative.
(02:55):
Dysfunctional, addicted,mean, cruel, abusive,
and it still falls on youto take care of them.
So here are the characteristicsof unhealthy codependent caregiving.
First is losing yourself in the role
by letting the caregiving consume
you to the point that you loseyour own life, you lose yourself.
(03:18):
You just you just give it up,and you don't
look for ways that you can maintainyour own life in your own self.
You just
identify as a
caregiver and that becomes who you are.
The second,
and this seems kind of weird to some.
I would think putting the other personfirst all the time,
(03:40):
you might say, but the person sick,the person needs my care,
but the person does not need to be putfirst all the time.
And if you do, it will kill you.
You will get sick.
My father had ALS, Alzheimer's for about
ten or a little more than that years.
And, one of the nurses that came outto the home, my mother cared for him.
(04:04):
And until she was, he died when he was 95.
She cared for him.She was three years younger.
She cared for him.
She was 92 when he passed.
And she had a nursethat came out and said to her, you know,
I see many caregivers pass awaybefore the person
they're taking care of because they don'ttake care of themselves.
(04:28):
And that is exactly it.
You cannot put the person, other personfirst all the time.
In fact,I say, if you have somebody that you're
caregiving for thatyou often need to put yourself first.
Or if you don't,the other person's needs will consume you
because it will be very difficultfor you to say no, I mattered more.
(04:52):
If in your mind they matter more.
Ignoring your own needs and
not even asking for what you need,not even considering what you need.
Now, oftentimes people have family membersthat could help you have a spouse.
You have older like adult children, peoplethat are maybe taking care
of an adult child.
(05:13):
Ask your other adult children to step in.
Ask your spouse to step in.
Get respite care.
Ask other family membersor friends to step in,
not even thinking of asking others to
help you meet your needs is
codependent caregiving.
(05:34):
Because you don't have needs,you don't consider your needs.
That's not healthy.You have to consider your needs.
Hey, I need a breakthat is considering your needs.
I need a break.
I'm going to take a break.
Okay?
Otherthings are never saying no to a request.
When we codependent caregive, we say yesall the time.
(05:57):
So I have people who could ask siblingsto step in
and instead of saying nowhen something comes up like, no,
I'm not taking mom to this appointment
or no, I'm not going to bethe one that sits in the E.R.
or I'm not going to be the one that
buys all the stuffor takes over all the finances.
(06:18):
Whatever it is, I'm not going to do it
all is recognizingthat you do have the right to say no.
When you don't recognize, you can say no.
That's codependent caregiving.
You have a right to say noto any of the requests.
You have aright to let a request go unmet.
And this is trickybecause you might think, well,
(06:38):
this person absolutely has toand other people don't care.
And that's tough, because if other peoplewill let this person suffer
because they're too selfishto step in and help,
then you have to lookother places to get help. So
ignoring your own needs and
not even asking for what you needis codependent.
(06:59):
Never saying noto a request is codependent.
Here's a really important one refusing
to simplify things for your convenience.
Do you get that?
Simplify things.
Okay,
don't make all food from scratch
or buy things that are easier to prepare
(07:22):
or get takeout food
or make
two doctor's appointmentsat the same time,
or whatever it is doing things to
never refusing to simplify thingsfor your own convenience
(07:42):
is codependent, saying,oh no, I can't do it that way.
No. If you here's an example.
You have somebody who needs youto shop for them and they call you.
And this I've heard people tell me this,
my dad calls me every dayand says, go to the store and get me this.
And the expectation is you're supposedto get it when he asks for it.
(08:07):
And if you drop everythingand you go and get it
and you never consider,okay, I'll keep you a list.
And once a week I'll go by everythingon that list and I'll bring it for you.
That's simplifying thingsfor your convenience.
Feeling like you can't do that.
Codependentnever asking for help from other people.
(08:28):
I've already mentioned that one.
Doing what needs to be donewithout being asked and without asking
yourself, is there another way?
So just automatically taking
responsibility for getting everythingdone,
not even stopping to consideris there someone else?
Does this have to be done?
Could I let this go?
(08:49):
Could I get this met another way?
Could I have things mailed here?
Could I have the prescriptionsmailed to the house instead of me
going and picking them up every time?
Could I ask the doctor
to fill three months at a time?
Next one.
Not expecting the personto do anything for themselves.
(09:09):
So automatically going inand just catering to this person
and doing everything.
Everything is codependentcaregiving, expecting,
not expecting them to do anything.
Okay, next one feeling resentfulbut doing it anyway
and ignoring the resentment.
And that will get youto a place of burnout.
(09:31):
So feeling resentfulbut ignoring it and doing it anyway.
All right, that's not healthy.
That's codependent,
caring
caregivingfor people who can take care of themselves
and who are making irresponsibledecisions.
Their by enabling their irresponsibility.
I'm going to read that again.
Caregiving for peoplewho can take care of themselves
(09:55):
and who are makingirresponsible decisions.
When you co- dependently
caregiver, you enable their responsibleirresponsibility.
Ouch.
Okay, we do thatsometimes we caregive for people
who don't really need it,but who have just been very irresponsible.
(10:16):
And we pick up all the piecesand we take care of them.
That is codependent.
So healthycaregiving is just the opposite.
I'm going to read these straight through.
So they think in because I've alreadyexplained what the opposite is
maintaining who you areand living your life.
(10:39):
Healthy caregiving,
putting yourself first while still takingcare of your obligations.
Paying attention to your own
needs and prioritizing them.
Saying nowhen something isn’t good for you.
(10:59):
Looking for ways to simplify,
such as keeping the listand only going to the store once a week.
Letting calls go to voicemail.
Visiting the person less frequently
but still getting the essentials doneand using paid help.
Asking for helpand letting things be undone
(11:20):
so others must step in.
Asking yourselfif there is another way to get it done
rather than you having to do it.
Requiring the personto participate in their own care
by doing everything they are capable of.
(11:42):
Noticing the resentment as a sign
that something needs to change.
Only doing things for peoplewho are incapable
of taking care of themselvesthrough no fault of their own.
So you will not enable irresponsibility.
This is very important.
(12:03):
This is I think I'm going to put a linkto this so you can, go to my website
and read the pagethat has this list for comparison.
Because if you're a caregiver,you need to have this.
So look back over the listsand ask yourself,
are you caregiving codependently?
(12:25):
Are you caregiving in a healthy way?
If you're codependent caregiving,
you can begin to change by doing littleby little some of the things
one at a time in the healthycaregiving list.
I believe God wants you to take care
of other peopleand caregiver in a healthy way.
(12:48):
Ephesians 5:29 says, after all,
no one ever hated their own body,but they feed and care for their body,
which means that it's natural, normal,
and essentialfor us to care for their bodies.
Now, this was the one that was said to menand how they were supposed
to love their wives.
Based on the fact that love your wifelike you love your own body
(13:10):
because no one neglects their own body,but they take care of it.
Proof that we are supposedto take care of ourselves.
Mark 12:30-31 Jesus said, love the Lordyour God
with all your heart, all your soul,and all your mind, and all your strength.
The second is this love your neighboras yourself.
There is no commandmentgreater than these.
(13:33):
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Oh, so you matter.
Two 2 Corinthians 9:7-8.
Each of you should givewhat you have decided in your heart
to give,not reluctantly or under compulsion.
For God loves a cheerful giver,and God is able to bless you abundantly,
(13:53):
so that in all things at all timeslisten to this.
Having all that you need,you will abound in every good work.
Having all that you need,you will abound in every good work.
I use that scripturewhen I'm teaching self-care,
nurturing yourself in my classes because
(14:16):
if you give out of your abundance,not out of your lack,
it means that you will have your needs metand then you will care for others.
Not that you will be emptyand not caring for yourself and
dying because you are justgiving everything and you're exhausted.
(14:37):
That's not the waythat it's supposed to be.
So I hope that
this is enlightenedyou and given you some goals.
It's, it can completely change your life
even though you are still responsibly
caring for the person that God
has allowed to be in your life and,
(15:00):
that you need to take care of for, a season, however
long or short that might be.
I have been a care giver.
I know what it feels like.
I've done it wrong,and I've done it right.
And it's much healthier for both me
and the other personfor me to do it in the right way.
(15:22):
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
(15:43):
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
There are times in life
(00:20):
when we have to care for other people.
It could be a parent.
It could be a spouse,it could be a sibling, could be a child,
could be an adultchild could be an aunt, a grandparent.
It could just it could be anyone who is
in need of being, of needingto be taken care of
(00:41):
for a time, for a season, or for life.
And there isn't anyone else to do it
except you, and it falls on your plate.
Or it's your responsibility.
Like, say it's your spouse,or it's your child, or it's your parent
and you're the sibling thatis the closest, like I am or the like,
(01:04):
I live a few minutes from my mom and dad,and my dad's since passed away.
My siblings are,you know, about 45 minutes.
And, so that's harder for them to respondto needs.
It's much easier for me to run over thereand my husband to run over there.
So, whatever situation comes up,if you are the one
(01:26):
that is the caregiver,
and it's it falls on you, it is heavy.
It can be like a second job.
It can consume your life.
It can, really be very difficult
and affect your marriageand your life plans.
(01:47):
So it's hard.
But often times we make the decisionto do the right thing,
not because we want to,but because we need to.
But there is a healthy way for us
to give care, to be a caregiver,
and there is a codependent wayfor us to be a caregiver.
So when we give care codependently,
(02:10):
it means we are relationally unhealthyin the way
that we take care of people.
We, and it could be people
that are sick and have throughno fault of their own.
Or it could besomebody who has been irresponsible
and abused their body by food, overeating,
(02:32):
not taking care of their bodywith an illness or not
caring for their body, and developedan illness like diabetes or heart disease.
It could besomebody who is, addicted somebody.
And this personmay have legitimate health needs.
Or maybe your parentsis getting elderly, but
the person has been in your lifemanipulative.
(02:55):
Dysfunctional, addicted,mean, cruel, abusive,
and it still falls on youto take care of them.
So here are the characteristicsof unhealthy codependent caregiving.
First is losing yourself in the role
by letting the caregiving consume
you to the point that you loseyour own life, you lose yourself.
(03:18):
You just you just give it up,and you don't
look for ways that you can maintainyour own life in your own self.
You just
identify as a
caregiver and that becomes who you are.
The second,
and this seems kind of weird to some.
I would think putting the other personfirst all the time,
(03:40):
you might say, but the person sick,the person needs my care,
but the person does not need to be putfirst all the time.
And if you do, it will kill you.
You will get sick.
My father had ALS, Alzheimer's for about
ten or a little more than that years.
And, one of the nurses that came outto the home, my mother cared for him.
(04:04):
And until she was, he died when he was 95.
She cared for him.She was three years younger.
She cared for him.
She was 92 when he passed.
And she had a nursethat came out and said to her, you know,
I see many caregivers pass awaybefore the person
they're taking care of because they don'ttake care of themselves.
(04:28):
And that is exactly it.
You cannot put the person, other personfirst all the time.
In fact,I say, if you have somebody that you're
caregiving for thatyou often need to put yourself first.
Or if you don't,the other person's needs will consume you
because it will be very difficultfor you to say no, I mattered more.
(04:52):
If in your mind they matter more.
Ignoring your own needs and
not even asking for what you need,not even considering what you need.
Now, oftentimes people have family membersthat could help you have a spouse.
You have older like adult children, peoplethat are maybe taking care
of an adult child.
(05:13):
Ask your other adult children to step in.
Ask your spouse to step in.
Get respite care.
Ask other family membersor friends to step in,
not even thinking of asking others to
help you meet your needs is
codependent caregiving.
(05:34):
Because you don't have needs,you don't consider your needs.
That's not healthy.You have to consider your needs.
Hey, I need a breakthat is considering your needs.
I need a break.
I'm going to take a break.
Okay?
Otherthings are never saying no to a request.
When we codependent caregive, we say yesall the time.
(05:57):
So I have people who could ask siblingsto step in
and instead of saying nowhen something comes up like, no,
I'm not taking mom to this appointment
or no, I'm not going to bethe one that sits in the E.R.
or I'm not going to be the one that
buys all the stuffor takes over all the finances.
(06:18):
Whatever it is, I'm not going to do it
all is recognizingthat you do have the right to say no.
When you don't recognize, you can say no.
That's codependent caregiving.
You have a right to say noto any of the requests.
You have aright to let a request go unmet.
And this is trickybecause you might think, well,
(06:38):
this person absolutely has toand other people don't care.
And that's tough, because if other peoplewill let this person suffer
because they're too selfishto step in and help,
then you have to lookother places to get help. So
ignoring your own needs and
not even asking for what you needis codependent.
(06:59):
Never saying noto a request is codependent.
Here's a really important one refusing
to simplify things for your convenience.
Do you get that?
Simplify things.
Okay,
don't make all food from scratch
or buy things that are easier to prepare
(07:22):
or get takeout food
or make
two doctor's appointmentsat the same time,
or whatever it is doing things to
never refusing to simplify thingsfor your own convenience
(07:42):
is codependent, saying,oh no, I can't do it that way.
No. If you here's an example.
You have somebody who needs youto shop for them and they call you.
And this I've heard people tell me this,
my dad calls me every dayand says, go to the store and get me this.
And the expectation is you're supposedto get it when he asks for it.
(08:07):
And if you drop everythingand you go and get it
and you never consider,okay, I'll keep you a list.
And once a week I'll go by everythingon that list and I'll bring it for you.
That's simplifying thingsfor your convenience.
Feeling like you can't do that.
Codependentnever asking for help from other people.
(08:28):
I've already mentioned that one.
Doing what needs to be donewithout being asked and without asking
yourself, is there another way?
So just automatically taking
responsibility for getting everythingdone,
not even stopping to consideris there someone else?
Does this have to be done?
Could I let this go?
(08:49):
Could I get this met another way?
Could I have things mailed here?
Could I have the prescriptionsmailed to the house instead of me
going and picking them up every time?
Could I ask the doctor
to fill three months at a time?
Next one.
Not expecting the personto do anything for themselves.
(09:09):
So automatically going inand just catering to this person
and doing everything.
Everything is codependentcaregiving, expecting,
not expecting them to do anything.
Okay, next one feeling resentfulbut doing it anyway
and ignoring the resentment.
And that will get youto a place of burnout.
(09:31):
So feeling resentfulbut ignoring it and doing it anyway.
All right, that's not healthy.
That's codependent,
caring
caregivingfor people who can take care of themselves
and who are making irresponsibledecisions.
Their by enabling their irresponsibility.
I'm going to read that again.
Caregiving for peoplewho can take care of themselves
(09:55):
and who are makingirresponsible decisions.
When you co- dependently
caregiver, you enable their responsibleirresponsibility.
Ouch.
Okay, we do thatsometimes we caregive for people
who don't really need it,but who have just been very irresponsible.
(10:16):
And we pick up all the piecesand we take care of them.
That is codependent.
So healthycaregiving is just the opposite.
I'm going to read these straight through.
So they think in because I've alreadyexplained what the opposite is
maintaining who you areand living your life.
(10:39):
Healthy caregiving,
putting yourself first while still takingcare of your obligations.
Paying attention to your own
needs and prioritizing them.
Saying nowhen something isn’t good for you.
(10:59):
Looking for ways to simplify,
such as keeping the listand only going to the store once a week.
Letting calls go to voicemail.
Visiting the person less frequently
but still getting the essentials doneand using paid help.
Asking for helpand letting things be undone
(11:20):
so others must step in.
Asking yourselfif there is another way to get it done
rather than you having to do it.
Requiring the personto participate in their own care
by doing everything they are capable of.
(11:42):
Noticing the resentment as a sign
that something needs to change.
Only doing things for peoplewho are incapable
of taking care of themselvesthrough no fault of their own.
So you will not enable irresponsibility.
This is very important.
(12:03):
This is I think I'm going to put a linkto this so you can, go to my website
and read the pagethat has this list for comparison.
Because if you're a caregiver,you need to have this.
So look back over the listsand ask yourself,
are you caregiving codependently?
(12:25):
Are you caregiving in a healthy way?
If you're codependent caregiving,
you can begin to change by doing littleby little some of the things
one at a time in the healthycaregiving list.
I believe God wants you to take care
of other peopleand caregiver in a healthy way.
(12:48):
Ephesians 5:29 says, after all,
no one ever hated their own body,but they feed and care for their body,
which means that it's natural, normal,
and essentialfor us to care for their bodies.
Now, this was the one that was said to menand how they were supposed
to love their wives.
Based on the fact that love your wifelike you love your own body
(13:10):
because no one neglects their own body,but they take care of it.
Proof that we are supposedto take care of ourselves.
Mark 12:30-31 Jesus said, love the Lordyour God
with all your heart, all your soul,and all your mind, and all your strength.
The second is this love your neighboras yourself.
There is no commandmentgreater than these.
(13:33):
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Oh, so you matter.
Two 2 Corinthians 9:7-8.
Each of you should givewhat you have decided in your heart
to give,not reluctantly or under compulsion.
For God loves a cheerful giver,and God is able to bless you abundantly,
(13:53):
so that in all things at all timeslisten to this.
Having all that you need,you will abound in every good work.
Having all that you need,you will abound in every good work.
I use that scripturewhen I'm teaching self-care,
nurturing yourself in my classes because
(14:16):
if you give out of your abundance,not out of your lack,
it means that you will have your needs metand then you will care for others.
Not that you will be emptyand not caring for yourself and
dying because you are justgiving everything and you're exhausted.
(14:37):
That's not the waythat it's supposed to be.
So I hope that
this is enlightenedyou and given you some goals.
It's, it can completely change your life
even though you are still responsibly
caring for the person that God
has allowed to be in your life and,
(15:00):
that you need to take care of for, a season, however
long or short that might be.
I have been a care giver.
I know what it feels like.
I've done it wrong,and I've done it right.
And it's much healthier for both me
and the other personfor me to do it in the right way.
(15:22):
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
(15:43):
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.