August 7, 2025 • 10 mins
Unhealthy families have similar dynamics regardless of what their specific problems are. They are complicated and hard to untangle. There are common unspoken rules that everyone knows they have to abide by, even though doing so ensures that the dysfunctional drama continues.
Yet there is a way to change dysfunctional family rules to healthy rules and decrease the family drama. You may not be able to do it with everyone, but you can start with one dysfunctional relationship and make healthy relationship changes by how you act and react.
If you want to change dysfunctional family rules to healthy rules, watch this video to find out how.
#dysfunctionalfamily #healthyrelationship #dysfunctionalrelationship #familydrama
Website: https://www.changemyrelationship.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ChangeMyRelationship YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@changemyrelationship
Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/2aJ0dcB6of0
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:27):
So dysfunctional families have rules.
And these rules are not necessarilyspoken.
In fact,most of the time they're unspoken.
They're not written out.
They're not on the refrigerator.
That says these are our family rules,but they are rules nevertheless
that most dysfunctional familiesgo by even though nobody's necessarily
(00:51):
laid them out and said,this is what they need to be.
There are six very common ones.
And the first one is don't talk,
don'ttalk, don't talk about what's going on.
Don't talk about what bothers you.
Don't talk about anything.
(01:12):
Just don't talk.
Keep it inside.
So when you are trying to go
from being dysfunctional to functional,
it can be very overwhelming.
But There are some very simple thingsthat you can do in order
to turn a dysfunctional familyinto a functional family,
(01:35):
or a dysfunctional relationshipinto a functional relationship.
And you can start smalland you can start with one person,
and that is you do the opposite of whatthe dysfunctional rules are.
The dysfunctional rules are don't talk,
don't trust, don't feel.
Don't be selfish. Don't rock the boat.
(01:56):
Don't make a mistake.
You're going to justdo the opposite of those.
So when it's don't talk,you're going to talk.
You're going to talk about the problems.
You're going to talk about the issues.
You're going to talkabout what your thoughts are.
The message that you're goingto give to people in that family
is, we want to hear what you have to say.
(02:18):
If you've had a dysfunctional family
that you've raised your kids inand you're now divorced
or you're trying to get healthier,even though maybe your spouse isn't.
You just want to start saying,tell me how.
Tell me your thoughts.What do you think about this?
So you're going to give the message,I want you to talk.
(02:40):
The second one is don't trust.
And don't trust means don't trust us.
We're not going towe're going to betray your trust.
We're not going to do what we say.
We're not going to follow through.
If I say I'm going to be there,I'm not necessarily going to be there.
I'm not going to necessarilydo what I say I'm going to do.
But when you're
when you're wanting to get healthy,you want to send the message of trust.
(03:02):
Trust me.
And you want to be trustworthywhen you want to do what you say
you will do,you want to be who you say you will be.
When you say you will change,you're going to change.
When you say that, you're going to show upat a game for your kids, you show up.
You go.
When you say that you're not going to tellanybody what that kid tells you.
(03:25):
You don't tell anyone for any reason.
You are trustworthy.
You say, trust.
Give me your trust.
Risk giving meyour trust, and I will be trustworthy.
The next one is don't feel
means just shut down, numb out, numbyour feelings.
(03:46):
Don't.
And don't talk about them for sure.
But don't feel your sadness.
Don't feel your anger.
Just pretend it's not there.
Do something to take care of it,whether it's to eat
or using it, or engage in an addiction,or be just diverted by doing things.
(04:07):
Don't feel and you want to givethe message to be healthy.
Feel.
And I want to know how you feel.
I want you to feel your feelings.
Your feelingsare yours. It's okay to feel.
It's safe to feel.
It's safe to show you're feelings.
It's safeto allow your feelings to be spoken about.
(04:28):
So you want to say to your little kid,you want to say
or to your teenager,or even your adult child.
Want to know how you feel?
Even if it's about me,
even if it's about somethingthat I've done,
even if it's about something that I didin the past.
Like, I want to know how you're feeling.
You're not having a good day.
Tell me it's safe to tell me.
(04:51):
I'm going to validate your feelings.
I'm going to listen.
The next one is don't be selfish.
So in a dysfunctional family,
anything you do for yourself,including individuating,
which means finding out who you areand being who you are,
or taking care of yourselfor setting a boundary.
(05:12):
All of these are selfish,and the dysfunctional family
tells you you can't be selfishor you will be shamed.
You will be ostracized.You will be punished.
You want to send a message, be selfish.
Take care of yourself.
Be who you are.
talk about what you what you think.
(05:34):
Express who you are.
Be an individual.
It's safe. It's okay.
So you want to send that message.
It's okay to be selfish.
It's okay to take care of yourself.
We expect you like Ephesians 5:29 says,because you take care of your wife.
Husbands, love them
like you love your own bodybecause no one neglects their own body.
(05:56):
It's normal to take care of yourself.
The next one is don't rock the boat.
This means just pretend to keep statusquo, what's called homeostasis.
Keep status quo.
Don't upset anything.
We don't talk about the truth.
We don't talk about the elephantin the living room.
We pretend it's not there.
We pretend that nothing's wrong.
(06:18):
Nothing's weird about our family.
Nothing's dysfunctional.
When in reality.
Oh, yeah it is.
So you say rock the boat.
We want to hear your thoughts,your opinions of what you have to say.
We want people to rock the boat.
We want to be able to be challengedand look at ourselves and
and and be open to criticism.
(06:40):
It's okay.
So that's what you're going to sayto your kids.
It's like it's okay to bring up somethingnegative.
It's okayto bring up something from the past.
It's okay to bring up something that isyou think might be upsetting.
It's all right.
I can handle it.
Like, what do you want to say?
What do you need to say?
Nothing that you can sayas long as it's not abusive.
(07:05):
Nothing you can say is wrong.
Just say it. Feel free.
And the next one is.
Don't make mistakes.
And you want to send the messageof make mistakes.
It's human to make mistakes.
It's okay to make mistakesin a dysfunctional family.
Don't make mistakes meansbecause every mistake is a big deal.
(07:28):
There's something called called,don't cry over spilled milk.
And I always saidin in a dysfunctional family, oh,
not only do you cry over spilled milk,you yell over spilled milk, spilled milk
that a little kid does in a normalfamily is just spilled milk.
Spilled milk in a dysfunctional familyis something to be really angry about.
(07:49):
It's something to rage about.
It's something to get madat the kid about.
And the kid's going to feel shame. No.
In a functional, healthy family, it'sokay to make mistakes.
We expect it. We don't shame you.
We don't berate you.
We don't tell you about how bad you are.
We don't tell you. Okay?
Next time you fix it, betternot be a mistake. No.
(08:09):
We just go like it's okay.
Everyone makes mistakes,and you model that by you making mistakes.
And when you make mistakes,you don't go, oh, I'm stupid, I am.
You say, oh, oh, well,I made a mistake, I forgot,
I forgot to do this, but I'm not perfect.
Everyone make mistakes. It's okay.
And you model that it'sokay to make mistakes
(08:33):
so you can take a dysfunctional family.
And by taking these sixrules, the six rules of don't
talk, don't trust, don't feel,don't be selfish, don't rock
the boat,don't make mistakes and you can live out
opposites and you can
make your family healthyby very simple things.
(08:54):
You can even put these upon the refrigerator.
Talk, trust,
feel,
take care of yourself.
It's rock the boat
and it's okay to make mistakes.
You could put those up thereand work off of that and you could make
(09:15):
a huge changein the dynamics in your family.
So hopefully that is, helpful
and will,give you kind of a place to start
if you're feeling overwhelmed, tryingto bring health into your relationship
or health into your marriageor health into your family.
(09:37):
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
(09:57):
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:27):
So dysfunctional families have rules.
And these rules are not necessarilyspoken.
In fact,most of the time they're unspoken.
They're not written out.
They're not on the refrigerator.
That says these are our family rules,but they are rules nevertheless
that most dysfunctional familiesgo by even though nobody's necessarily
(00:51):
laid them out and said,this is what they need to be.
There are six very common ones.
And the first one is don't talk,
don'ttalk, don't talk about what's going on.
Don't talk about what bothers you.
Don't talk about anything.
(01:12):
Just don't talk.
Keep it inside.
So when you are trying to go
from being dysfunctional to functional,
it can be very overwhelming.
But There are some very simple thingsthat you can do in order
to turn a dysfunctional familyinto a functional family,
(01:35):
or a dysfunctional relationshipinto a functional relationship.
And you can start smalland you can start with one person,
and that is you do the opposite of whatthe dysfunctional rules are.
The dysfunctional rules are don't talk,
don't trust, don't feel.
Don't be selfish. Don't rock the boat.
(01:56):
Don't make a mistake.
You're going to justdo the opposite of those.
So when it's don't talk,you're going to talk.
You're going to talk about the problems.
You're going to talk about the issues.
You're going to talkabout what your thoughts are.
The message that you're goingto give to people in that family
is, we want to hear what you have to say.
(02:18):
If you've had a dysfunctional family
that you've raised your kids inand you're now divorced
or you're trying to get healthier,even though maybe your spouse isn't.
You just want to start saying,tell me how.
Tell me your thoughts.What do you think about this?
So you're going to give the message,I want you to talk.
(02:40):
The second one is don't trust.
And don't trust means don't trust us.
We're not going towe're going to betray your trust.
We're not going to do what we say.
We're not going to follow through.
If I say I'm going to be there,I'm not necessarily going to be there.
I'm not going to necessarilydo what I say I'm going to do.
But when you're
when you're wanting to get healthy,you want to send the message of trust.
(03:02):
Trust me.
And you want to be trustworthywhen you want to do what you say
you will do,you want to be who you say you will be.
When you say you will change,you're going to change.
When you say that, you're going to show upat a game for your kids, you show up.
You go.
When you say that you're not going to tellanybody what that kid tells you.
(03:25):
You don't tell anyone for any reason.
You are trustworthy.
You say, trust.
Give me your trust.
Risk giving meyour trust, and I will be trustworthy.
The next one is don't feel
means just shut down, numb out, numbyour feelings.
(03:46):
Don't.
And don't talk about them for sure.
But don't feel your sadness.
Don't feel your anger.
Just pretend it's not there.
Do something to take care of it,whether it's to eat
or using it, or engage in an addiction,or be just diverted by doing things.
(04:07):
Don't feel and you want to givethe message to be healthy.
Feel.
And I want to know how you feel.
I want you to feel your feelings.
Your feelingsare yours. It's okay to feel.
It's safe to feel.
It's safe to show you're feelings.
It's safeto allow your feelings to be spoken about.
(04:28):
So you want to say to your little kid,you want to say
or to your teenager,or even your adult child.
Want to know how you feel?
Even if it's about me,
even if it's about somethingthat I've done,
even if it's about something that I didin the past.
Like, I want to know how you're feeling.
You're not having a good day.
Tell me it's safe to tell me.
(04:51):
I'm going to validate your feelings.
I'm going to listen.
The next one is don't be selfish.
So in a dysfunctional family,
anything you do for yourself,including individuating,
which means finding out who you areand being who you are,
or taking care of yourselfor setting a boundary.
(05:12):
All of these are selfish,and the dysfunctional family
tells you you can't be selfishor you will be shamed.
You will be ostracized.You will be punished.
You want to send a message, be selfish.
Take care of yourself.
Be who you are.
talk about what you what you think.
(05:34):
Express who you are.
Be an individual.
It's safe. It's okay.
So you want to send that message.
It's okay to be selfish.
It's okay to take care of yourself.
We expect you like Ephesians 5:29 says,because you take care of your wife.
Husbands, love them
like you love your own bodybecause no one neglects their own body.
(05:56):
It's normal to take care of yourself.
The next one is don't rock the boat.
This means just pretend to keep statusquo, what's called homeostasis.
Keep status quo.
Don't upset anything.
We don't talk about the truth.
We don't talk about the elephantin the living room.
We pretend it's not there.
We pretend that nothing's wrong.
(06:18):
Nothing's weird about our family.
Nothing's dysfunctional.
When in reality.
Oh, yeah it is.
So you say rock the boat.
We want to hear your thoughts,your opinions of what you have to say.
We want people to rock the boat.
We want to be able to be challengedand look at ourselves and
and and be open to criticism.
(06:40):
It's okay.
So that's what you're going to sayto your kids.
It's like it's okay to bring up somethingnegative.
It's okayto bring up something from the past.
It's okay to bring up something that isyou think might be upsetting.
It's all right.
I can handle it.
Like, what do you want to say?
What do you need to say?
Nothing that you can sayas long as it's not abusive.
(07:05):
Nothing you can say is wrong.
Just say it. Feel free.
And the next one is.
Don't make mistakes.
And you want to send the messageof make mistakes.
It's human to make mistakes.
It's okay to make mistakesin a dysfunctional family.
Don't make mistakes meansbecause every mistake is a big deal.
(07:28):
There's something called called,don't cry over spilled milk.
And I always saidin in a dysfunctional family, oh,
not only do you cry over spilled milk,you yell over spilled milk, spilled milk
that a little kid does in a normalfamily is just spilled milk.
Spilled milk in a dysfunctional familyis something to be really angry about.
(07:49):
It's something to rage about.
It's something to get madat the kid about.
And the kid's going to feel shame. No.
In a functional, healthy family, it'sokay to make mistakes.
We expect it. We don't shame you.
We don't berate you.
We don't tell you about how bad you are.
We don't tell you. Okay?
Next time you fix it, betternot be a mistake. No.
(08:09):
We just go like it's okay.
Everyone makes mistakes,and you model that by you making mistakes.
And when you make mistakes,you don't go, oh, I'm stupid, I am.
You say, oh, oh, well,I made a mistake, I forgot,
I forgot to do this, but I'm not perfect.
Everyone make mistakes. It's okay.
And you model that it'sokay to make mistakes
(08:33):
so you can take a dysfunctional family.
And by taking these sixrules, the six rules of don't
talk, don't trust, don't feel,don't be selfish, don't rock
the boat,don't make mistakes and you can live out
opposites and you can
make your family healthyby very simple things.
(08:54):
You can even put these upon the refrigerator.
Talk, trust,
feel,
take care of yourself.
It's rock the boat
and it's okay to make mistakes.
You could put those up thereand work off of that and you could make
(09:15):
a huge changein the dynamics in your family.
So hopefully that is, helpful
and will,give you kind of a place to start
if you're feeling overwhelmed, tryingto bring health into your relationship
or health into your marriageor health into your family.
(09:37):
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
(09:57):
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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